Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 18 - Everybody Hates Earth Day - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #056
"Earth Day"
Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK:
Every school year,
there were always days

when students had to do
special assignments.

Good morning, everybody.

Some were easy,
like Thanksgiving.

Your assignment

is to write a report
about what you're thankful for.

And Martin Luther King Day.

Your assignment

is to report
about what you would dream about

if you were about to be shot.



Some were a lot harder.

This week is my favorite
holiday: Earth Day.

Or, as you would say, Chris,
Earf Day.

If you live on Earth,
isn't every day Earth Day?

What's Earth Day?

Well, Chris, people are
destroying the planet

with things like plastic bags
and cans, bottles,

and indestructible foodstuffs.

On Earth Day, we put forth our
best efforts to save the planet.

I thought saving the planet
was a waste of time,

because I was too busy
trying to save me.

I tried saving my face.

I tried saving my ass.

I even tried saving



my future kid's ass.

To this day, I love geography.

Your assignment is to do
something you think

will help save the Earth.

Greg.

You mean something like building
a solar-powered tanning bed?

Isn't that what the beach is?

That's very good, Greg.

Chris, what would you
like to do?

I knew my dad had a truck
and Bed-Stuy was a mess.

So I had the perfect project.

Uh, collect cans
and recycle them?

That's wonderful.

Then you could

take the money and do something
for the environment.

You could plant a tree.

Maybe I could plant
my foot in your b...

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Having my father help me
with my Earth Day project

seemed like a great idea
until he found out about it.

Earth Day?

It's the day we try
to save the Earth.

I have a project
to do, too.

Well, Earth Day must
not be too important

if I still got
to go to work.

Are the banks closed?

You still got to feed
the parking meters.

And what are you doing
to save the Earth?

I'm recycling cans, and the
money I make I'm going to use

to help the environment.

Just like the Republicans.

I don't know, Chris.

Sounds like it might
take too much time.

Julius, your son is trying
to save the Earth.

Are you going
to help him or not?

My father had been asked
that question before,

and there was only
one right answer,

whether it was something
minor...

Are you going to do
the dishes or not?

Or something major.

Are you going
to propose to me or not?

Here you go, baby.

Oh!

Thank you.

See?

Sure, I'll help you out.

Here's your first can.
I hope you get an "A."

Thanks, Dad.

What are you doing, boy?

I have to build a car
out of this piece of wood.

I want to know what you're
doing with my potatoes.

That's how I'm going
to power it.

It's environmentally
friendly.

You wasting my potatoes
is butt-whipping friendly.

Me and Drew were trying
to save the world,

but Tonya was about to be
in a world of trouble.

Listen to this:
"Dear Parent,

"Your daughter Tonya
has been cited

"for a conduct violation,

and your presence is being
requested for a conference."

What kind
of conduct violation?

She said I was being
rude and belligerent.

Ain't no damn body
rude and belligerent.

I'm going
to go down there

and show them what
rude and belligerent is.

No kidding.

Rude and belligerent.

While I had my father
on my side,

my mother was going to get
a teacher off of Tonya's back.

I don't see why I have to take
a whole day off of work,

to come down here
for this nonsense.

I don't think it's nonsense.

Tonya was exhibiting
some aggressive behavior

toward a classmate.

I just wanted you
to be aware of it.

I was just trying to read,
and she wouldn't be quiet.

Girl, you interrupt
me again,

I'm going to knock
the sound out of your mouth.

How is she being
aggressive?

Apparently, Tonya turned toward
her study partner and said this.

(mumbling)

Did you say this?

Sorta.

Well, she was trying
to study, right?

That's not the point.
Oh, well, I think it is.

This is school, and her behavior
will not be tolerated.

Her behavior?

What about the other
little girl's behavior?

Why don't you have her mother
come down here

and tell her kid to shut up

while my baby
is trying to study?

That's neither here nor there.

Then please, where is it?

What I'd like to ask is

do you know where Tonya
got this language from?

My mother had two answers
to that question.

Answer A:

She got it from this knot I'm
about to put upside your head.

And Answer B:

Well, I don't know,
but it won't happen again.

Have a nice day.
Tonya, come on.

I want to get
transferred.

Girl, don't backtalk me
right now.

Now is not the time.

Later, I found out
that before Al Gore,

people had no idea what to do
to save the Earth.

If you want to save the Earth,

you better figure out
what to do about them Russians.

They got bombs.

My whole family worked
in the fields.

I hate fields.

I love concrete.

You can't grow cotton
on concrete.

I help the environment
by driving as much as I can.

You ever ride that train?

That train is filthy, man.

You know it's dirty as hell
when rats got footies on.

You want to save this planet?

Get rid of them trains.
Get rid of them trains.

I help the environment
by wearing wigs.

People put a whole lot
of chemicals in their hair.

Then they wash it out.

It goes right into the river.

People got to drink that water.

When you done with a wig,
just flush it down the toilet.

If it ends up in your glass,
well, at least you can see it.

I use "I Can't Believe
This Is Not Margarine."

It tastes real great.

Plus it has paudridridamadra-
hydraglycerin.

That saves cows.

If the Earth died,
that would be tragic,

but I sure like
to sell that coffin.

So how'd it go with Tonya?

Her teacher is crazy.
That's how it went.

What happened?

I was trying to study and this
girl kept talking so I told her:

(in Rochelle's voice):
"If you don't shut up

"I'm going to slap
the chatter out of you."

And she left me alone.

Wow, you sound just like mom.

No, she doesn't.

She does.

I mean, just a little.

So you think
that this is my fault?

Well, you do kind of
always yell.

Okay, then fine, I'll stop.

(all laughing)

What? That's funny?

You're going to stop yelling?

Yes, I'm going to stop yelling.

You just watch.

I got five dollars says
you won't last a week.

Bet.

Getting my father
to agree to help me

with my project was one thing.

Getting him to actually help
was something else.

Dad.

Dad.

Hmm?

You think we can go out
and get started?

Started on what?

Collecting cans.

What cans?

For my project.

What project?
My school project.

What school project?

Collecting cans.

Chris, I'm tired.

Can't you do it yourself?

Yeah, I guess I can start
by myself.

A kid collecting cans
with his dad is recycling.

A kid collecting cans
by himself is bum practice.

Dad?

Well Earth, It's just us.

Since my dad wouldn't help me,

I had no choice but to collect
a few cans on my own.

Unfortunately, you could turn
in cans for money,

and every bum
in Bed-Stuy knew it.

They may be bums,
but they're not lazy bums.

Hey, Chris.

What are you doing in there?

Collecting cans.

Turn in enough,

get a lot of cash, plus,
it's good for the environment.

What are you doing, soldier?

I'm trying to collect cans, too.

It's for my Earth Day project.

Want to collect cans
around here?

You got to be quick.

Yeah, I guess so.

Got to be quicker than that.

(water flushing)

After a couple of days,

my can project
was going down the toilet.

You've got to be quick
to get the cans.

That's a big business.

I thought my dad was
going to be helping me.

This was supposed
to be easy.

Maybe you should
switch projects.

Yeah, now all I have to do

is come up with a
solar-powered excuse.

I'd help you, but I ran
into a major problem.

What happened?

While I was making
my tanning bed,

I accidentally invented
an incandescent light bulb

that won't burn out
for 600 years.

That's amazing. Then
you'll definitely get an "A."

I can't turn that in.
Why not?

Are you crazy?
I'd be a marked man.

I'm not taking down every major
power company in the nation.

They'd have me
killed in a minute.

So I decided to switch projects.

I'm going with
a dung-powered radar system.

US patent #D349127.

So what are you
going to do?

Well, I figure there's a bunch
of cans around here somewhere.

I might as well
just keep looking.

See these two little
cup-like things?

Mm-hmm?

Put the potatoes in them.

Take one of these
little electrodes

and plunge it
into the potato there,

and take the other one and
plunge it into the other potato.

Back at home,
my mother needed help, too.

Drew, what is all this stuff
on the table?

Boy, you better clean this table
before I knock...!

Are you yelling?

No.

Sweetie.

When you get a chance...

would you mind
putting this stuff away,

so I-I-I can set the table
for dinner?

Yeah, I'll do it in a minute.

Hi, Tonya.

Did Daddy say you could have
ice cream before dinner?

Nope, but I got hungry.

But Tonya,
it's almost dinnertime.

I don't want you
to ruin your appetite.

Mama, don't worry about it.

I'm going to eat my dinner.

Tonya, why are you reading

at the table?

Why aren't you eating
your dinner?

I'm just not hungry.

Hmm, well,

maybe it's all that ice cream
you had before dinner.

Yeah, maybe.

Who said

you could eat ice cream
before dinner?

Nobody.

That's the
problem.

What?

Nothing.

So,

Chris,

how's your project coming along?

Okay.

Um, me and Dad are just trying
to figure out a time

that's good for us
to go looking for cans.

Yeah, we're working on the time.

Oh, okay, that's nice.

I'm sure you two
will work it out.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I finally figured out
my project.

I hope you figured out
how to clean that mess up.

I-I built a potato clock.

Now all I have
to do is paint it.

Paint?

On my dining room table?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not getting me.

I'm keeping
that five dollars.

Paint all you want.

Paint 20 potatoes

if you have to, Drew.

Are those my good potatoes?

Not anymore!

Yeah, but I'll
chop 'em up

and make French fries
after I turn my project in.

Hey, check it out.

I put a calendar
on the front.

I thought
you were supposed

to be making a car.

I thought you were supposed
to be eating your dinner.

I was,

but the potatoes were
too weak to run it.

I wonder
how many potatoes we need

to get rid of the light bill.

Enough to make mashed potatoes
for the next million years.

So Dad, you think you could pick
me up after school tomorrow?

For what?

To pick up cans.

Yeah, yeah, cans.

No problem.

Work tomorrow? No problem.

Unfortunately for me,
if you offer my dad a job,

he forgot
about everything else.

So Dad, I'm going
to come straight home

after school
tomorrow, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry, Chris.

I just picked up
an extra shift.

I get paid time
and a half, but,

hey, you're doing
okay though, right?

Yeah, Dad, I'm fine.

All right, I knew you would.

You're the man.
That's my boy.

We learned the reason
my mother yelled

wasn't because
she liked yelling.

It was because if she didn't
yell, no one would hear her.

Drew, wake up.

Hey, right.

Chris, you're going
to be late.

I'm coming.

Okay, fine.

Don't go to school.

Grow up stupid.

Tonya, wake up, baby.

All right, all right.

Five more minutes.

(chuckles)

See?

Oh, this is
what I'm talking about.

I tried to be nice

and this is the thanks I get.

Yeah, I try not to be
rude and belligerent.

If I wasn't, nothing
would get done around here.

But that's okay.

Oh, okay, I guess I'm supposed
to clean this up too?

Oh, no, no, no problem,
Mr. Potato.

I'll clean you up.

I have nothing else
better to do.

No, please, you sit right there.

I'll be back.
No, really, stay!

No, it's okay.

It's okay because...

Now that is just nasty.

After searching around,
I found a few cans,

but what I really needed
was some help.

* Whoa, oh, mercy, mercy me...

There he is, Officer.
That's the man.

* Oh, things ain't what...

That's my boy.

If I ever needed my dad's help,
I needed it then.

Dad?

Dad!

(panting)

Dad... ah, dang it!

Wait!

(panting)

Move, move, move.

Dad?

I'm not your daddy.

(tires squealing)

Am I?

No.

Thank you, God.

(crackling)

Hey, baby, what you doing?

I looked everywhere
and I couldn't find any cans.

So I figured I'd get my own.

Want a soda?

Yeah, thanks.

You mean to tell me

you and your daddy
couldn't find one can?

I didn't want to tell on my
dad, but I didn't want to lie.

Well, Dad hasn't really had
any time

to come looking for cans
with me.

He's been working.

Really.

My project was on its last leg.

And for my mother,
that was the last straw.

Julius, wake up!

Oh, oh, what's going on?
What? What?

I thought you were gonna help
Chris with his homework.

I was. I am.

When?

I don't know.

Rochelle, I've been working.

Oh, and I've just been laying
around the house all day?

Is that what it is?

I ask you
to help that boy

with one homework assignment,
in what, 15 years?!

And you can't
even do that!

All I ask you to do
is take the boy

and pick up some cans.

I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry"? You ought to be!

Your son needed
your help

with one school assignment,
but, no, you were too busy.

But, baby...

But-but-but what?

Are you going to help him
or not?

Mmm.

That's exactly what I thought.

Hmm.

Take your money.

I'm back!

Dad?

What's wrong?

What happened?

Whoa, calm down.

I'm here to help you
with your Earth Day project.

I thought you had to work.

I do.

Now let's go get these cans.

* People, let me tell you
about my best friend *

* He's a warm-hearted person
who loves me to the end *

* Now, people, let me tell you
about my best friend *

* He's a one boy, cuddly toy, my
up, my down, my pride and joy *

* People, let me tell you
about him *

* He's so much fun

* Whether we're talkin'
man to man *

* Or whether we're talking
son to son *

* 'Cause he's my best friend

* Yes, he's my best friend...

(laughing):
Whoa!

(scatting)

Looks pretty full.

Yeah, so you want
to take it

to the recycling center?

No, let's take it
first thing in the morning.

Yeah.

So, Tonya,

I know you heard me
scream yesterday.

Yeah, are you sorry?

No, I'm not sorry

and I'll tell you why.

You can only talk that way
to someone when you love them.

But you have to be nice

to the people
that you don't know.

But that doesn't
make any sense.

No, it doesn't
make any sense,

but it so happens
to be true.

Like when Bush got reelected.

How can it be true
if it doesn't make any sense?

Because that's just
the way the truth is.

Oh.

So this means that
I'm going to go back

to yelling
at everybody.

Because you love us?

Exactly.

So I can yell
at you, too?

Mmm, if you want
the fillings

knocked out of your face,
go right ahead.

(giggling)

Sorry you had to miss work
for this, Dad.

That's okay.

So how much money
did you make?

$100? $200?

Six.

$600?!

No, six dollars.

I can't do anything
with this.

How am I supposed to save
the Earth with six dollars?

You know what, Chris?

To some people
six dollars is a lot of money.

You said you wanted
to help the planet.

Hey, Kill Moves.

Konnichiwa!

Oh.

Hey, Chris.

I got something for you.

Uh, what's this for?

Earth Day.

Earth Day, huh?

Hmm, thanks.

Hey,

Happy Earth Day.

Let's get you to school.

People talk
about saving the planet

by picking up
cansand bottles,

but the one thing
I learned from Earth Day

was that saving the planet
meant a lot to me,

but doing it with my father
meant the world to me.

So, Chris, tell us
about your Earth Day project.

Oh, well, me and
my dad collected
a truckful of cans.

Chris, that's wonderful.

And I gave the money
to somebody less fortunate.

I mean, there's no reason
to save the Earth

if you can't save the people.

Oh, Chris, that's so profound.

Other than the fact
that you can see,

Stevie Wonder's
got nothing on you.

(gasps)

I know in my heart,

that money is somehow
going to help us all.

So we have
13 Styrofoam ice chests,

four cans
of aerosol spray paint,

one pack of cigarettes,
a gallon of whisky

and one container of "I Can't
Believe It's Not Margarine."

Would that be paper or plastic?

Plastic.

* Everybody Hates Chris.