Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 14 - Everybody Hates Easter - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
Growing up in Bed-Stuy,

one holiday I looked forward to
was Easter.

That's two boxes of dye
and a dozen eggs.

That it?

Almost.

You were dressed up,
girls were dressed up

and it was a good day
to pretend you were on a date.

Since Tasha and I went
to the same church,

she was the perfect choice.

So,

you gonna be in that
Easter pageant next week?



Yeah.

Got an escort?

Please say no.

Yeah-- Robert.

Hey.
Get lost.

What's up?
Did you remember

to get the Epsom salt
for your grandmother?

Got it.

* All I think about...

I wasn't proud of it,

but I prayed something bad
would happen to him.

(rumbling)

Oh, my God!

Robert, how will I
ever get over this?!



(sobbing)

Oh, I'll help you.

Yeah, I'll help you.

I never got that meteor,

but something almost as good
happened.

Why would you
say that?

That's not what
I said.
I heard what
you said.

Why do you have
to be so stupid?
You're stupid!

No, you're
stupid.
I hate you!

It's quits!
I hate you.

I love this.

* When I think of you...

You okay?
It's nothing.

Just forget it.

Time to bust a move, Dumb MC.

Chris, are you going to the
Easter pageant with anybody?

Yeah, Lisa Bonet.

No. Why?

Would you escort me?

Yeah.

Great.

It's a date.

Tasha was on the rebound,
so I made like Dikembe Mutombo.

(mouthing)

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
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and VOLKSWAGEN.

When you get into a Volkswagen,
it gets into you.

The biggest deal at our house
on Easter

was my mother's church hat
because a church hat on Easter

was like a gown
at the Oscars.

Hey, girl!

Here she comes.

Rochelle?
Rochelle?
Hi, Shaun.

Oh, that hat
is fabulous!

Thank you.
Who is it?

It's a Sean Gianni Vermani.

Love you, girl.
You look fabulous!

Come on, Julius.
Oh, yes.

Julius, come back here.
I need you to help me

pick out
my Easter hat.

I'd rather
pick cotton.

It would be less backbreaking.

Rochelle, we've been doing
this for months.

Just pick one.

Julius, you just don't
pick out a hat.

A hat picks you.

Okay, now tell me,

which one of these
will look better on me?

I don't know.

Where's your dress?

I put it on layaway.

It's not out yet.

Ooh, which reminds me,
I need ten dollars.

My mother didn't put
the dress on layaway

because it was expensive.

She just started planning
for Easter at Thanksgiving.

Mom, why is this cranberry sauce
shaped like a rabbit?

Because I was testing out
my new Easter molds.

Who wants gravy?

Nobody!

Ah...

While my mother
was judging hats,

Greg was judging me.

Don't you think
it's kind of weird

to have a date
on Easter?

Less weird than not
having a date ever.

Besides, it's
not a date.

It's an opportunity.

I guess you're right.

Maybe I should
go back to church.

You know,
score some babes.

When Greg went back to church,

the only one who hit on him
was the priest.

It's just that Robert's
out of the picture.

If I'm ever gonna have
a shot with Tasha,

this is it.
I hear ya.

Kick a man
when he's down,

that's what
I always say.

That was the only time
he ever said that.

Whose side are you on?

Yours.

The guy's an idiot.

I haven't even been
on one date,

and I know you don't
break up with a girl

before a holiday.

A girl by herself
on a holiday

is like an
ice-cream cone in hell.

It ain't gonna
be there very long.

I know I always say this,
but this time,

dude, you truly are
in there.

Wait.

Do you even know
what an escort does?

I do,
but this is a family show.

Meanwhile, my mother
was wearing out shoes

looking for a hat.

Rochelle,

this is the sixth hat shop
we've been to today.

Yeah, but they say

this is the best hat
shop in Brooklyn.

Why didn't we
come here first?

Well, how would I know if
it's the best hat shop

if I didn't visit all
the lousy ones first?

That's how Vanessa
looked for a husband.

Oh, yeah, girl,
this is nice.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, can I help you?

Yes. I'm looking
for a church hat for Easter.

Not just a church hat.

She needs the churchiest
hat you've got.

Uh-oh,

sounds like somebody's
getting into a hat competition.

Oh, no, she's not getting
into the competition.

Shethe competition.

Rochelle is
the three-time winner

of th Double Rock
on Zion's Holy Gospel

Temple of Bethesda
Christian Worship

Baptist Church
Easter Hat Show.

Uh-huh. She's about
to make it number four.

Hello.

You are Rochelle!

I heard about you.

I'm Hattie.

Hi, Hattie.

Well, this is my friend,
Vanessa.

Well, how did you hear
about me?

Well, I just joined your church,
and I have been told

that nobody can beat you.

You know that's right.

You work here?

No, I own the shop.

Thus the name.

Oh.

Well, it's very nice.

You have some
really lovely hats.

Um, do you have this one
in a medium?

Oh, if I did,

I wouldn't sell it to you.

What?

You see,

I plan on winning
the hat competition

this year.

And as much as I would love
your business,

I'd be a fool
to sell you a hat.

She told her.

Well, uh, Miss Hattie--

thus the name--

I don't know who you think
you are, and I don't know...

No, I'll tell
you who I am.

I'm the five-time winner

of the Fort Greene Greater
Faith Holy Baptist Temple

of Divinity C.O.G.I.C.
Easter Spectacular,

and I have graced the cover
six times

of Hat Weekly
waiting on the seventh.

Isn't that right, Levin?

Well, Miss Hattie...

here's a... a dime.

Oh,

what's that for?

For you to call
somebody

who really cares.

Yeah,

because I'm going to...

win that competition.

We'll see about that.

Oh, yes, we will.

While my mother was steaming,
Come on, Nessa.

at home,
things were boiling over.

Chris, how long does it take
to boil eggs?

I think they're done.
I told you.

What are y'all
doing anyway?

I mean, I thought you
already dyed eggs for Easter.

We did. These eggs
are for the church egg hunt.

Me and Drew are bringing extra

so I can have a head start
on winning.

That's cheating.

Not if I don't get caught.

Now Tonya uses the same logic
when she does her taxes.

All right, but you better not
let Mama catch you either.

I didn't think about that.

Don't worry.

I'll hide them
in the refrigerator.

Who'd think of looking
for eggs there?

While Tonya and Drew
were getting ready

to become career criminals,

I was getting ready
for my date with Tasha.

Uh, Chris,

if you look on that
shelf over there,

there's an ointment that'll
help you with that.

Thanks, Doc,
but I don't need any ointment.

So why you walking like
there's something swollen,

itching or burning?
Oh,

'cause Tasha asked me to escort
her in the Easter pageant.

So I'm practicing my walk.

Walk like that in Bed-Stuy,
you better run.

Why?

She seen you walk before?

Yeah, I know.

It's just that she just broke up
with Robert.

So if I impress her now,
she'll forget all about him.

And you will stroll right
in and be her new man.

Exactly.

You think that's
gonna work?

Why wouldn't it?

Because she's on the rebound.

Rebound?
Yeah.

When you break up with somebody,
the next person you end up with,

they got you on the rebound.

A person on the rebound
will be with anybody

just to forget the person
they just left.

So who do you have
to break up with

to end up with Bobby Brown?

Well, if I got anything
to do with it,

she gonna forget
all about him.

Maybe if he hit her in the head
with a brick.

Well, you got
a whole day.

You got plenty of time.

Hey, Doc.
Hey.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, Tasha, what's up?

My grandmother
just told me

we're not going
to our church this Sunday.

She wants me
to do the pageant

at her old church
in Queens.

Queens?

Sorry.

The Lord giveth
and the Lord taketh away.

Now let's go to commercial
before I start cursing.

Even though Tasha was going
to another church on Easter,

I wasn't gonna let that stop me
from going with her.

Hey, Tasha, wait up.

What?

What time is the Easter pageant

at your grandmother's
old church.

After the early service at 4:00.

Why?

I'll be there.

Really?

Yeah, I'll be there.

Thanks, Chris.

I'll see you Sunday.

(sighs)

While I was going all out
for Tasha,

Drew and Tonya were going
all out to win.

We need to figure out
a way

to get these eggs
to church.

I got an idea.

Come over here.

This is where I hide
all my stuff from mommy.

Shh.

Don't tell her.

I hope she doesn't have
a gun in there.

All right, put the
eggs in here.

Be careful.

Now all I got to do
is convince Daddy

to let me bring my
baby doll to church.

Cool.

While Drew and Tonya
were stacking the deck,

my mother was stacking
her hat.

Girl, I have
been working

on this hat
all day.

You want to see it?
Yes!

Open, open, open!

Oh...
(laughs)

That's what I'm
talking about.

That's a hat.

I just have to do
one last thing.

Ooh! Ooh!

What's wrong?

Ooh, that's a
bad hat, girl!

Hattie's gonna wish she never
even messed with you!

And peacocks wished they'd
stayed out of your way, too.

By the time Easter came,

my family was working
on more schemes

than a pop star in rehab.

Rochelle, I got
some bad news.

What?

I have to work today.

I can go
to the service,

but after that I have to leave.
No, he don't.

What are you talking about?

Nobody works on Easter.

He doesn't either.

Hey, what can I tell ya?
I just got the call.

I didn't hear the phone.

Never rang.
Maybe you were in the bathroom.

I wasn't in the bathroom.

I ain't hear it either.
You hear the phone?

I didn't hear the phone.
You hear the phone?

No, I didn't hear the phone.

Well, I answered it
on the first ring.

No, he didn't.

One of the guys got sick.

They're offering
quadruple double overtime.

DREW:
Quadruple double overtime?

I never heard of that.
You heard of that?

Never heard of that.

You heard of that?

No, I ain't heard of that.

I can't pass it up.

Well, it does sound
like a lot of money.

It is.
No, it's not.

Well, who's gonna escort me
in the Easter Hat Show?

Drew can.

Why I gotta go?
How come you can't go?

I gotta help Tonya hunt eggs.

I can help Tonya
hunt eggs.

Not if I can help it.

Nah, I don't want you

to mess your suit up.
You know what?

Chris is right.
Drew can escort me.

But, Chris, I want you
and Tonya in your seats

clapping for me at 4:00.

4:00?
Yeah,

that's what time
the fashion show starts.

Why, you got something better
to do?

Yeah.
Nah.

Okay.

I didn't know how I was gonna
be in two places at once,

but I wasn't gonna risk
blowing it with Tasha.

By the time we got to church,
the hat show hadn't started,

but the competition
was already on...

(whispering):
Praise the Lord. Hi, girl.

I saved you all
some seats.
Okay.

Go in.

Praise the Lord,
Brother Brown.

How you been?
All right.

Girl, I have not seen you
in a month of Sundays.

How you been?

Sinning.

(2001: A Space Odyssey
theme playing)

(softly):
Hi.

Sister Rochelle.

Sister Hattie.

Imagine what they would have
called each other

if they weren't in church.

Happy Easter, everybody.

ALL:
Happy Easter.

Can the church say Amen?

ALL:
Amen.

Let me get a hallelujah.
ALL:
Hallelujah!

Praise the Lord!
ALL:
Praise the Lord!

All right.

Hey, baby...

I have to go
to work,

so I'll see you all after.

Okay, baby.

But since I'm making
a little more money,

you don't have to cook.

So buy a plate
for everybody.

Nice touch.

Hey, Mom,

me and Tonya are gonna go get
a head start on the egg hunt.

Okay, I want you back
by 4:00 though.

We will.

So, I guess it's just
me and you, Drew.

Yeah, I guess so.

Where you going?

I'm gonna meet Tasha
in Queens.

I'm gonna tell on you.

What about all those eggs
you snuck in?

You don't tell on me,
I won't tell on you.

Fine.

When a good plan falls apart,

you usually have no idea
it did...

until it's too late.

Oh! What happened?

I was doing Prince splits
and I hurt my ankle.

Oh, no. What are
we gonna do?

We should take him
to the hospital.

No, I'm talking
about the hat show.

Who's gonna
escort me?

Well, if you want to quit, quit,

but don't bring the children
in it.

What?!

Don't act shocked.
I've seen it all before.

I am not pulling out
of this competition.

So, I suggest that you work
on your second-place smile,

'cause I'm taking this
grand prize home.

(chuckles)

Where's Julius?

He left for work.

Ooh, you know what?
Go get Chris.

She was going to get me,
but I was getting Tasha.

Hey.

Chris, you made it.

Told you I would.

By the time I got to Tasha,
not only did I look good,

I was making Robert
look really bad.

You know, my grandmother said

you were just another
no-account Negro

who never
kept his promises

or took care
of his responsibilities,

and would eventually end up
leaving me in the cold

with a runny-nosed baby.

Then we'd be on Jerry Springer.

Nah. I wouldn't do that.

She's probably thinking
about Robert.

Yeah, but I don't want
to talk about him.

Good.

Well, we'd better get going.

Looks like the pageant's going
to start in a little while.

Tonya?

Ooh, where did you
get all those eggs?

Did you hijack
a chicken?

I've just been
looking really hard.

Well, where's Chris?

Think fast, woman.

Uh, he's looking
for eggs.

Well, we need
to find him.

Drew sprained
his ankle,

so he needs to escort your
mother to the hat show.

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl!

Meanwhile, the only thing
my dad was working

was the remote control.

Strike!
Strike?

What are you talking about?

That was low and inside!

Come on.

You got him.

Come on. You got him.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, man!

Across town,
Tasha had lost a boyfriend

and won a pageant,

and I was there
to collect the prize.

VANESSA:
What makes you think
he's going to be here?

Well, he wasn't at Doc's or the
playground or the barbershop.

Maybe he's here.

What are y'all doing here?

We're looking for Chris.
What are you doing here?

Where's Chris?
VANESSA:
Well, we don't know,

that's why we're trying
to find him.

Drew sprained his ankle--
there's nobody to be

Rochelle's escort.

I thought you had to work.

I did. I-I just came here
to get changed.

Um... I was just catching
a little bit of the game

before I went in.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Looks like you caught more than
just a little bit of the game.

TONYA:
Well, somebody needs
to go back to church

and escort Mama
through the hat show,

or we're all going
to get in trouble.

Okay, okay.

We'll just keep this between us.

You, them
and a five dollar bill.

(organ music playing)

Well, now, this year
our fashion show

has been nothing less
than spectacular.

You got that right!
(all agreeing)

Now I believe it's the best
hat-off we've had in years.

Does the church agree?

(shouts of agreement)
Amen!
Amen!

PREACHER:
Well, I see the judges
have made their decision.

For the past three years,

Sister Rochelle
has swept the competition.

Hallelujah!

But this Easter, our newest
member, Sister Hattie,

brings a wealth of hat expertise
and her awards, too.

Damn.

Oops. I'm sorry.
(shocked murmuring)

(dramatic organ music plays)

But this year's winner
and still champ

is Sister Rochelle.

(congregation cheering)

* Her Easter hat
won the hat show *

* Rochelle's new hat,
four years in a row *

* She can't believe
that she beat Hattie *

* This Easter hat is the hat
that made history *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh...

Where's Chris?!

Where's Chris?!
Here I am!

(cheering)

* History...

* Yeah, yeah, yeah.

By the end of the day,

I thought it would be different
between me and Tasha.

Hey Chris, thanks for coming
to my pageant with me.

I had a good time.

Me, too.

So, I was thinking,

you want to do something
together sometime?

Robert?

Where's a meteor
when you need one?

I'm sorry.

You should be.

Man, why don't you go somewhere?

She doesn't want to talk to you.

It's okay, Chris.

No, it's not.

I want to hear this.

No, you don't.

I didn't mean
to call you stupid.

Yes, he did.

And I'm sorry.

No, he's not.

For real?

Yes.

No!

Don't do it again.

Ain't this about a...

I heard you won
the Easter pageant.

Yeah, no
thanks to you.

Unfortunately for me,
that was a great Easter,

except the wrong person
came back after three days.

(sighs):
That feels good. Mm.

You'll be okay, baby.

I'm proud of you.

I'll go get dinner.

Thank you, baby.

You okay?

(phone ringing)

Uh, I'll get it.

ROCHELLE:
Hello?

What's wrong with you?

I ate all the candy
I won at the Easter egg hunt.

May I be excused, please?

Go upstairs.
I'll check on you later.

Thank you.

Okay.

DREW:
Hey, Dad.

When you get done, can I have
some more frozen peas?

Frozen peas?

What are you doing
Prince splits for anyway?

Between bandages,
frozen vegetables
Mm-hmm.

and cleaning your suit,
that's $14.86 worth of split.

I'll bring your peas
in a minute.

Okay.

Happy Easter.

Come on in, baby, sit down.

Who was that?

Your job.

It was?

Mm-hmm.

They want you to come in
and work tonight.

They do?

Yeah.

You know, it funny
because I told them

that you just came from work

to escort me
in the Easter hat show.

But they said you hadn't
been to work all day.

Quadruple double overtime, huh?

Hey. What's going on?

Hey, Chris, hey,
how you doing?

Oh, you must be hungry.

Look, um, there's extra
'cause Tonya's sick.

Come on, Drew.

I can't walk.

Oh, we'll bring you some later.

(knocking on door)
I'll get it.

JULIUS:
You sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

You've worked enough today.

Oh, hi, Tasha.

Hi. Is Chris here?

He is, but we're
having dinner at the moment.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to drop
these pictures off for him.

And...

thanks for letting Chris
come to Queens

and escort me
in the Easter pageant.

You are so welcome.

And thank you.

Happy Easter.

You, too.

Okay.

Chris...!

* Everybody hates Chris.