Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 15 - Everybody Hates Gretzky - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #058
"Everybody Hates Gretzky"
Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK:
Since I was the oldest kid
in the house,

whenever something went wrong
with Drew and Tonya,

I got blamed.

What in the world
is going on in here!

Drew and Tonya just ran through
and knocked all this stuff down.

Well, you know better

than to let your brother
and sister run

through the house.
Now, pick it up.

Whether it was something
I couldn't do anything about...

How could you let your sister
get the flu?



How am I supposed
to stop the flu?

...or whether it was something
I didn't know anything about...

Why did you let Drew get hit
in the eye with a baseball?

'Cause I wasn't
at the game.

Either way, I was responsible.

Well, no excuse.
You're his older brother

so you're responsible for him.

You're also responsible
for giving me

another $3.22 worth
of ground beef.

Don't think
he's not using it again.

I'm sorry.

(moans)

Every now and again
I could stop a problem

before it happened.



Drew.

Drew!

What are you doing here?
You walk to school.

I'm not going to school today.

What do you mean?

I saw Wayne Gretzky
on Donahu yesterday.

He's in town because
the Edmonton Oilers

played the Islanders last night.

So what?

So I'm gonna meet him
and get his autograph.

Are you crazy?
No.

You can't just go off
by yourself.
Yes, I can.

Do you even know where
you're going?
Not really.

Got any money?
No.

What about school?
What about it?

Did you even
think about Ma?
No.

She's gonna kill you
when she finds out.
So?

That's if somebody else
don't kill you first.

I don't care.

Drew, you can't do this.

See ya later.

I was in a no-win situation.

The only thing worse
than going with Drew

was letting him go by himself.

Either way,
if something happened,

I was responsible.

Hold on, man.
I'm coming with you.

Can't blame me if we both die.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Riding on that bus,
I had two goals:

to get that autograph
and get back home.

So what's the plan?

I don't have a plan.

Do you even know
where Gretzky is?

The Long Island
Wilmont Hotel.

And you think
you can walk

right up to the room
and get an autograph?

I haven't thought
that far ahead.

You haven't thought
this far ahead.

All right? We should just
turn around right now.

We'll be late for school,
but, hopefully,

we won't get in
too much trouble.

Well, go on.

That's the whites-only exit.

Forget it.

You look tired.

I'm beat.

I'm going to get some sleep.

Sleep? Well, what
about Tonya?

Hey, Dad.

What are you
doing here?

Why aren't you in school?

'Cause no one's there.

They're all in Philadelphia.

You remember the field trip
to Philadelphia

that cost a hundred dollars

and you didn't want
to pay for it.

Yeah. Instead you gave me
Philadelphia cream cheese.

Right. Well, what are
you gonna do all day?

I mean, I gotta
get some sleep.

Not today.

I've got to go to work, so
you've got to entertain her.

My dad had saved
a hundred bucks,

but he was gonna pay for that
trip one way or another.

This is taking forever.

How long is this ride?

How am I supposed to know?

Didn't you check before
you got on the bus?

Hey, man, calm down.

No, I'm not gonna "calm down."

I don't think you understand how
much trouble we're gonna be in.

I'm not even talking
about Ma anymore.

You know what's gonna happen

when they realize
we're not in school?

What's the big deal?

You always say that they never

pay attention to you
in school anyway.

Drew had a point. Besides Greg,

there was only one person
who would care

if I wasn't in school.

Morning, Shoeshine.

I'm not black.

Why'd you do that?

I don't know where Chris is.

Well, what about you?
Aren't they gonna miss you?

Probably not.

Wrong!

Donna.
Here.

Drew?

Drew?

Oh, my God.

Drew is missing!

Drew is missing!

(screaming)

(sobbing)

(siren blaring)

Back home, my father
tried to shut his eyes

while Tonya shut her ears.

(phone ringing)

Tonya.

Can't you hear that phone?

It isn't for me.

Everyone I know
is in Philadelphia.

Tonya: 1.
Sleep: 0.

(ringing continues)

Hello?

Can I speak to Drew's mother?

This is Julius, his father.

Drew never showed up
for school today.

What do you mean?

He wasn't in school today, sir.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

He wasn't in Homeroom.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

What's wrong?

That was Drew's school.

He didn't show up today.

Maybe he went
to Philadelphia.

I better call your mother.

Where the hell could he be?

We're here.

Yippie.

*

This doesn't look
like Long Island.

This is not.

This is Coney Island.

If this was Survivor, I would
vote Drew off the island.

I can't believe
you got on the wrong bus.

You got on it, too.

I was just
following you, stupid.

Don't you know
the difference

between Coney Island
and Long Island?!

Yeah, Long Island is
the shape of your head.

Shut up!

Hey, shut up.
Don't tell me

what to do.
Hey, break it up!
Break it up!

What's wrong with you two guys?

He got us lost.

Nobody asked your stupid butt
to come anyway!

Where are you heading to?

The Long Island
Wilmont Hotel.

I wanna meet Wayne Gretzky
and get his autograph.

You mean "The Great One"?
Number 99?

Yeah, you're
a hockey fan?

Oh, I love it.

We must be the only three black
hockey fans in New York.

Uh, I'm not a hockey fan.

Well, I guess it's just us then.

And the few guys
playing in the NHL.

What?
Wait, there are
black hockey players?

Oh, yeah.

Willie O'Ree was the first.

Played with the
Boston Bruins.

And now they've got Grant Fuhr.
He plays with Gretzky.

He's a goalie.

Which technically makes him
a target.

Do you know how to get
to Long Island from here?

No, but I'll ask
this gentleman here.

Excuse me, sir?
Mm-hmm.

Would you happen to know
the directions to Long Island?

Yeah.

You're gonna
take that bus

over there to the
Seven Line.

Seven Line.

And then you're gonna take that
to Flushing...

Flushing, stupid!

...and you're gonna take
the Long Island Railroad

to Westbury.

Westbury.

Thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

By the way, I'm Drew

and this is my brother,
Chris.

Hi, I'm Willie O'Ree. Pleasure.

(gasps softly)

Nice to meet you.

When Willie scored three goals

they didn't call it
the hat trick.

They call it the black trick.

While we were looking
for Gretzky,

back at home,
they were looking for us.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Where you been?

Upstairs in Chris
and Drew's room

looking for clues.
Great idea.

What'd you find?

Well, I found
firecrackers,

smoke balls,
Chris' old test,

looks like he
got an "F"--

maybe we should do
something about that,

Mommy's Turtles--

feels like they ate
half of the box,

and Playpen magazine.

You know they have naked women
in here, right?

Are you still there?
Yes, yes, I'm still here.

So, it appears
Chris hasn't shown up yet.

No, sir.
He's not there?

We'll call you if he does.
Thank you.

I got here as soon as I could.
Any word from Drew?

No, but I just got off the
phone with Chris' school.

And what they say?

He didn't show up for school,
either.

Ooh, they're gonna get it.

When do I not get it?

Well, let's go.

Where are you going?

We're going to look
for Chris and Drew.

We just can't sit around here
all day.

You're looking
at Playpen Magazine

when our sons
are missing?

It was in the...

It was open. It
just fell open.

I...

Let's go!

Come on!

Okay.

Right.

Put it back!

We were headed to the right
place at the wrong time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think
you guys are going?

Going to Long Island to get
Wayne Gretzky's autograph.

You're a Gretzky fan?

He's not a
Gretzky fan.

You can't be a
Gretzky fan.

That's what I said.

I'm a Gretzky fan.

He's the
Gretzky fan.

You see me and you?

We don't like the
same things.
No, we don't.

Why don't you guys go someplace?

Where you wanna go?

Where should we go?

The Jersey Shore
would be nice.

But this train
don't go there.

Don't you guys got
enough sports?

Hmm?

Basketball,
football...

Baseball, boxing,
track and field.

You gotta take hockey,
too, huh?

Whoa.

Hold on now.
We ain't trying to take hockey.

But we could.
All right.

So why don't you just leave us
alone?

Translation:
Please pick on us some more.

Is that a hockey
jersey you got?

That is a hockey
jersey.
That is
a hockey jersey.

You don't have a hockey jersey.

No, I don't.
No.

Yeah. Why?

Give it to me.

Give it to him.

Make me.

What?

Whoa.

All right, hold on.

Excuse me.

Drew, give him
the jersey.

I'm not giving them
anything.

Dad gave this to me.

Do you have any idea
where we are?

Yeah, somewhere
on Long Island?

Yeah, exactly.

We're not just surrounded
by two white people.

We're surrounded by a whole
borough of white people.

So, this is us.

And this is them.

So, give him
the jersey.

(sighs)

Wait a minute.

His jersey says "Gritzky."

It's got the wrong
number, too.
(laughs)

Keep the jersey.

Kid, look, if you're gonna
like somebody,

at least get it right.

Get it right.
Get it right.

(laughs)

MAN (over P.A.):
Next stop: Brockman Station.

Man, that was close.

I never thought
I'd say this,

but thank God
for Risky.

(indistinct radio transmission)

Chris and Drew are missing?

No, I haven't seen them,
but I think I can help you.

For just 17 cents a day,

you can adopt one
of these African children.

And the best part is
they don't live with you.

Ooh, can we take Ubingi?

He's so cute.

Not for 17 cents a day.

DISPATCHER:
Had a frivolous suit
with her neighbor.

Missing, huh?

It sounds to me
like they're caught
behind enemy lines.

Don't worry.

This is nothing a recon mission
can't fix.

(gasps)

Right. Take that. Here you go.

All right, let's go.
Come on. Let's go.

Hey, wait, wait!

Hey, hey, boys!

I think I see 'em
after all.

There we go.

Let's leave the nice man alone.

Thank you.

We could use him in Iraq.

DISPATCHER (over radio):
Separated the neighbors
at 29211.

Chris and Drew are missing?
Let me see what I can do.

One Adam-12, One Adam-12,

be on the lookout
for Chris and Drew.

Be on the lookout
for Chris and Drew.

Shouldn't be much longer.

Yeah, until they come
and take you away.

Oh, man I can't believe
we're here.

I can't believe I'm actually
gonna meet Wayne Gretzky.

How do I look?

You look like
we need to get

this autograph
and get out of here.

Hi, um, we're looking
for a guest of yours.

Name?

Wayne Gretzky.

Wayne Gretzky,
the hockey player?

Yeah.

He's not staying here.

Are you sure
this is the right hotel?

Positive. At the end of
Donahue, the announcer said,

guests of the
Donahue Show stay

at the Long Island
Wilmont Hotel.

Not all guests. If your leg
was bitten off by a shark,

you have
a terminal disease,

or you're so fat,
you need a crane

to be lifted out of your house,
then you stay here.

Athletes and celebrities
stay somewhere else.

So he's not here?

Sorry. Try one
of the other hotels

on Long Island.

How many other hotels
are there?

I don't know.
About a thousand.

A thousand?

Cheer up. Only 999 more to go.

We were trying
to get an autograph,

but were getting more
than we signed up for.

Chris, I'm sorry, man.

I-I don't know what
I was thinking.

Like Wayne Gretzky
would be hanging out

in some hotel lobby.

Let's go home, man.

(scoffs)

Wait, wait, wait.

We can't just give up,

especially when Mom is beating
the living daylights out of me.

I don't want to feel like a fool
'cause it was all for nothing.

We just got
to use our heads.

What do you know
about Gretzky?

Well, I know he's a season
all-time-assist leader,

his mom loves soup,
and he has a sandwich

named after him
called "The Great One."

What's in it?

Hmm, Canadian bacon,

maple syrup, oh, and a pickle.

Oh, and it comes in a bun
shaped like a hockey stick.

Sounds awful.

I never had one.

It was invented by this chef
named Jean Lafleur.

(clicks tongue)

Man, you know way too much stuff
about this guy, Drew.

Hey, you know,

he works in a hotel here
on Long Island.

Who, Gretzky?

No, stupid. Jean Lafleur.

Huh.

Here it is-- "Long Island Hotel,

Home of The Great One."

This has got to be
where he's staying.

I hate to admit it, but
that looks pretty good.

When we get there,

I'm going to have to buy you
one of those sandwiches.

Might as well buy me
a heart attack

with a side of diabetes.

Chris! Drew!

I just don't understand this.

We checked the neighborhoods.
Nobody's seen 'em.

We checked the schools.
Nobody has seen 'em.

I'm calling the police.

Oh, Rochelle, Rochelle?

Are you really going
to call the police?

Yes.
The New York
City Police?

Yes.

My father knew that
if you called the cops

from Bed-Stuy,
this is what happens.

Precinct.

Hello. I-I would
like to report

two missing
children.

Okay. Are they black
or white?

Black.

You have the wrong number.

Let's give it
a couple hours.

I'm sure
they'll show up.

As soon as we got
to the Long Island Hotel,

something told me
we had the right place.

Are all these people here
to see Gretzky?

Yeah, and if

we go over there, we won't have
a chance of meeting him.

So what do we do?

(women shrieking)

Ilook more like Wayne Gretzky
than that dude.

Come on.

I know what to do.

Hey, what are they doing
over there?

Uh, they're waiting
for Wayne Gretzky.

Who?
He's a hockey player.

Anyway, I got a pizza delivery
for Mr. Smith in Room 412.

Just go.

Man, that was brilliant.

You can get anywhere
with a pizza box.

That's how Bush got
in the White House.

So, now where
do we go?

I mean, there's 32 floors
in this hotel.

Well, I figure Gretzky's
in one of the nicer rooms,

which is probably
on the top floor.

Just call me Sherlock Homeboy.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey.

(elevator bell dings)

Told you.

All right, let's go.

Excuse me.

I have a delivery
for Mr. Wayne Gretzky.

He didn't order a pizza.

Do I look like
I was born yesterday?

But it is his room?

Get lost, kids.

Sir, I don't think
you understand.

My brother is a
really big hockey fan,

and we skipped school
just to see Mr. Gretzky.

Look, I can't help you.

Yeah, you could.

...so please
leave now.

Come on, Chris.

Gritzky?

Yeah.

My dad bought it for me.

Hockey's not too popular
where we're from.

(sighs)

Where is that?

Here in New York.

Bed-Stuy.

Hey, I'm from Bed-Stuy.

Let me guess.

Did your dad get that jersey
from Risky?

You know Risky?

Yeah, he sold me
a Darryl Raspberry jersey.

I had Dr. K.

(chuckles):
I haven't see him in years.

So, you think
my brother

can get an autograph
from Mr. Gretzky?

Hey, sorry, kids.

He's not even here.

He has some business
to take care of in the city.

Well, when do you
think he'll be back?

I don't know.
A couple hours, I guess.

A couple hours?

That's not too bad.

Thanks.

By 5:00, my parents had run
out of places to look for us,

but there was only one thing
left to do.

MAN:
Precinct.

Yes, hello! I'd like
to report two missing boys.

Can you describe them, please?

They're white.
(knocking)

Just a minute, ma'am.

Okay, hold-hold on.

Ma'am, you reported
two missing white boys?

Damn!

We waited for Gretzky
like he was giving out cheese.

You guys
are still here?

Yeah. We're waiting
for Gretzky.

You said he'd be back
in a few hours.

Look, he's not
coming back, okay?

He had a change of plans
and went right to the airport.

I'm just
checking out.

That's it.
I give up.

Drew, I'm sorry, but
let's just go home, man.

Hey, wait.

At least his name
is spelled right.

Oh, man!

(chuckling)
Thanks!

Gretzky wore that
last night.

You mean, he actually wore this?

Mm-hmm.
Man, I'm never
washing it.

Here you go.
Did Gretzky play
with this puck last night?

No, it's just a puck.

So, how are you guys
getting home?

Taking the train.

You guys ever been
in a limo before?

What do you think?

Even though I was about
to get in more trouble

than I could imagine,
I was glad I was with Drew.

In a strange way,
I actually had a good time.

(laughing)

Okay, listen up, you guys.

We're going to break this search
party up into groups of four.

You-- I want you to
search Varick Street.

Your group--

I want you to go
to Decatur Street.

Your group--

I want you to go
to the bus stops.

And you-- I want you

to search the
alleys, okay?

We're looking for two,
teenaged, dark skin...

white boys.

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

This is going to be bad.

Oh, yeah.

The worst part is,

you didn't even get a chance
to meet Gretzky.

Or Gritzky for that matter.

It's okay. It was still one
of the best days of my life.

Why, 'cause you got
the jersey?

No.

Thanks for taking care
of me, Chris.

I'm glad you were there.

Me, too.

The best part of hanging out
with Drew that day

was for the first time I didn't
see him as my little brother

I was responsible for.

I saw him as something more:
a friend.

Ready?

Ready.

* I've been watching
everything you do *

* Oh, yes, I have

* And I've been wishing...

Chris? Drew?

No, it's Puffy and Mace.

Bye, y'all.

* Everybody hates Chris.