Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 13 - Everybody Hates the First Kiss - full transcript

* Attack me with your love...

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was 15 going on 16,

the one thing I wanted most
was a kiss from a girl,

and I didn't care who it was

as long as she wasn't
in my family.

At the time, I thought
I would only get a kiss

one of a few ways.

There was
"catch a girl, kiss a girl."

She ran faster than Flo Jo.

There was "kiss a girl
and run like hell."

Huh!



* The third one is irrelevant

* 'Cause there's no time
or place *

And there was spin the bottle.

* Attack me
with your love, baby *

Ooh!

* Attack me with your love

Hey, Chris.

Hey, Tasha.

Hey, Drew.
Hey.

* Attack me with your love...

Hey, man, you
still like Tasha?

Does Angelina Jolie
like black babies?

Yeah.

You know she plays
spin the bottle.



You're lying.

For real.

Everybody's playing.

And he meant everybody.

So, if I can get
in the game,

maybe I can get
a kiss from her.

Yeah, if you're lucky.

If I was lucky,
I wouldn't be counting

on an empty bottle
to get me a kiss.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Have you ever been to a
spin the bottle party?

Hi. I don't believe
we've met before.

My name is Greg.

No, I haven't been
to a spin the bottle party.

I mean, I haven't
been to a party.

Why would you
even ask me that?

Because I'm trying
to get into one.

Hold on. You do
know what they do

at those parties, right?

Yeah. People kiss.

Oh. I must be thinking of a
different kind of game, then.

Greg wrote about that party
in his book,

Ow, There's a Bottle in My...

So, you ever
kiss anybody?

Hah. Have I?

You gotta be kidding me.

Cousins don't count.

Oh. Then no.

Are you sure you really want
to play spin the bottle?

I mean, there's
always a chance

that you'll end up
kissing somebody

that's... I don't know.

Let's just say...

Ugly!

I don't think you get it.

Tasha is at this party.

There's no guarantee your
spin's gonna land on her.

Listen, for me
it's a win-win.

And all I know is,
I'm gonna get a kiss.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Hey.

Who died?

Oh. Mr. Abernathy.

Got decapitated
by a flying hubcap. Tragic.

Tragic!

Is that his wife?

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

See ya.

Oh, hey, hey! Drew, Drew.

You got, uh, five dollars
I could borrow?

I don't loan money.

Come on.
You know I'm good for it.

Drew inherited one quality
from my father--

he was a tightwad, and he saved
every penny he got,

no matter how he got it.

(sighs)

Here.

Oh, thank you, son.

When are you gonna
pay me back?

Never!
Tomorrow.

Cool.
Okay.

Hey. Uh.. just keep the
change. That's all you.

All right?

Oh, hey, Tasha.

What's going on?

Nothing. Just need to pick up
some milk for my grandmother.

Oh. Would you like me to spin
over there and get you a bottle?

No. Why are you
acting weird?

Oh, I just heard
that you were at a party

in the neighborhood
the other night.

What?

Yeah, you know, spin the...

Hi-ya!

(grunting)

Look, don't you ever,
ever, ever repeat it.

Okay.
Okay?

I won't say anything.
Okay.

I just wanted
to go to the next one.

Well, it's
not up to me.

Lisa sets up
the parties.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Can you let me go?

No. Promise you're not
going to tell nobody.

(choking):
I promise.

Promise?
I promise.

Again.
I promise.

Promise.
I promise.

One more time.
I promise.

All right.
(gasps)

Tasha went on to become the
first female Ultimate Fighter.

I'm sorry, it's just if
my grandmother finds out,

she'll kill me.

Well, then, I just need
to talk to Lisa.

You can't ask her,
she has to ask you,

and you can't tell
her I told you.

It was like getting
into the Mafia.

All right, well, give me
something to work with.

How do I get into the game?

She likes Prince.

Okay.

Well, thank you for coming,
Lionel Richie family.

While I was being choked
by Tasha,

my mother's past
was being revived.

Mm.

"An old flame
will be reignited."

(chuckles)

What does yours say, baby?

Oh, I don't care.

They're all silly anyway.

No, no, they're real.

My wife writes the fortunes.

She can see into the future.

"Here comes Lance"?

Lance?

Rochelle?

Is that you?

Oh, my God.

Lance, what are you doing
around here?

I just bought another Laundromat
in the neighborhood.

You know Sire Suds?

That's you?
That's me.

Washing machines
fit for a a queen.

(laughs)

Oh, well, Lance,
this is my husband, Julius,

and my daughter, Tonya.

Hi.

What a lovely family.

But I always knew
you had good genes.

(laughing):
Oh, stop it.

Oh... What about you?

Are you married?

No, no, I, uh, let all
the good ones get away.

Yeah, sorry to hear that.

Nice to meet you, Larry.

Lance.
Okay.

It's great seeing
you again, Rochelle.

Next time you come down, I'll
give you a few free loads.

Also, here are some
coupons for, uh,

a new dry cleaners
I'm opening.

My father would take a coupon
from bin Laden.

Thanks, Lurch.

It's Larry.

It's Lance.

Take care.
Good-bye, Rochelle.

Nice meeting you.

All right, Lance.

(sighs)

What?

After tomorrow came and went,
Drew came and went off.

Hey, Drew.

My man.

Where's my money?

Oh...

Man, I'm sorry, I totally
forgot all about that.

It's okay.

You can pay me now.

Okay.

(sighs)

You know what?

I left my wallet
at the office.

The office
in your back pocket?
So...

can I pay you tomorrow?
Yeah,

but I'm gonna have
to charge you interest.

Interest?
15%.

15%? That's outrageous.

On the streets it's 17.

I'm doing you a favor.

I'll be back.

Black Terminator.

While Drew was trying
to settle a debt,

I was trying to set up a score.

Hey, Lisa.

Chris.

What you been up to?

Oh, nothing, I've just
been around, you know,

at home listening
to Prince, but...

For real?

I love Prince
and anything to do with him.

She went
to see The Color Purple

because she assumed
it was about Prince.

Can I show you something?

What?

Do you remember at
the end of Purple Rain

when Prince sprayed
everybody with his guitar?

Yeah, I'll
never forget it.

Yeah, well, check this out.

Oh, my God, is that...?
Yes,

it's the hose he attached
to the back of his guitar.

Where did you get that?

I found it in the street,
dummy.

I got a friend
who lives in Minneapolis.

Oh, my God, can I touch it?

I'm not even touching that.

Maybe.

Look, what do you know about
this spin the bottle party?

(grunting)

Who told you?
Nobody.

No, somebody.

Who?
I won't tell you.

Who?
No.

Okay, my house,
8:00 tomorrow night.

Don't tell anybody.

Thanks.

(coughs)

Ever since that day,
I've always loved hose.

Hey, Daddy.

Hey, baby.

Listen, I need you to do
something for me, okay?

Okay.
Your mother's birthday
is coming up.

Yeah, in three months.

Right, and I want to throw
a little party for her

and I was thinking of inviting
her friend Lance, but...

I don't know...

You want me to ask Mama
if she likes Lance?

Yeah.

Well, Daddy, I don't
think I can do that.

At least not for free.

Are you asking me for money?

Are you asking me
to spy on Mama?

It's not spying.

I just want you to ask her
a couple questions.

Well, how come
you can't ask her?

Because here's five dollars,
that's how come.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

Tonya made more money that
year than my father.

At school, Greg was putting
his usual spin on things.

Dude, you're so in there.

Yeah, and Tasha's coming.

Don't get
your hopes up.

The statistical chances of you
actually getting to kiss her

when there's six other players
at the party are about...

six to one.

Better than my usual
348 million to one.

I'm not worried
about that.

You shouldn't be worried
about it.

(whispering):
I just don't know if
I'm gonna do it right.

Lip-ups.

What?
Lip-ups.

Richie Cunningham
was afraid

of the same thing
on Happy Days

and the Fonz told him
to do lip-ups.

Put your face on the floor
and push up with your lips.

What? Are you crazy?

I'm not kissing the floor.

This is what happens when you
watch shows about white people.

(smacking)

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just looking
for a quarter I dropped.

Oh. Well, it looked like
you were doing lip-ups.

You know those don't work.

The hardest part
about practicing kissing

is trying to do it by yourself.

(smacking)

TONYA:
Ugh!

Boy, what is wrong with you?

Can't a boy kiss himself
in the mirror in peace?

Mr. Omar?

Drew? What the...?

Where's my money?

You said you were
coming back tomorrow.

It is tomorrow.

It's 4:00 in the morning, man.

I want my money.

Drew, I got to get up in
the morning and go to work.

And I got to get up
and go to school,

but I can't concentrate
because I don't have my money.

(sighs heavily)

Okay, okay.

Can you give me another day?

Fine.

But another day is going
to cost you another dollar.

And after tomorrow, that's it.

What's it?

Nothing.

I'd just hate to see
something bad happen.

What kind of something?

Something tragic.

Have a nice night.

Drew went on to help found
Death Row Records.

Omar's day had taken a turn
for the worse,

but my night was about to get
a whole lot better.

(knocking on door)
Come in.

I need you to watch Tonya.

What?

I'll be back around 9:00.

Okay, baby, be good.

All right.

In bed by 9:00
and stay out of my room.

What are you looking at?

About five to ten when I
drown you in that cereal bowl.

I need you to do
something for me.

What?
I'm going out,

and I need you to stay here
and keep your mouth shut.

That's five dollar's
worth of need.

Fine. Mom will be back
at 9:00, be in bed.

And if I don't get in trouble,
I'll pay you when I get back.

Okay.

Tonya invested
all of her extortion money

and retired at 30.

Playing spin the bottle
was one of the greatest moments

of my teenage life.

It was the best shortcut
to kissing girls,

outside of becoming famous.

Ooh, Susan.

Mm.

(bottle spinning)

(girls giggling)

(bottle spinning)

I wish that was me
kissing her.

Please, please, please.

Damn, damn, damn.

(girls giggling)

Instead of spinning the bottle,

I wanted to bust it
over his head.

TASHA:
Chris, your turn.

Finally!

Hey, this ain't
the Logo channel.

Spin it again, Chris.

I needed the bottle
to point to a girl

so I could take my lips
for a spin.

It wasn't Tasha,
but I could pretend.

* Yes, I'm saving all my love
for you... *

*

TASHA:
Dag, Chris, that's enough.

You act like it's your first
kiss or something.

Wait till I tell Greg.

If you tell anybody,
I will break your lips.

In that case, wait till I write
Greg a detailed letter.

After my first kiss, the world
seemed like a different place.

A girl's lips had touched mine.

It was great, and nothing
was ever going to change that.

So you're Chris?

Yeah. Who are you?

Nobody.

Just a dude who wanted to know
who my girl was talking about.

What?

It's cool, man.

I just want her
to be happy.

But I still
love her though.

But, you know, if you're
the one she wants,

then, you know,
that-that-that's cool.

That's cool. I'm gonna
just deal with that.

Deal with that?

Man, what are you
talking about?

It's ai'ight, man.

You won. You won.

You know it, I know it,

and Susan knows it.

But check this out.

If you mess up...

I'll be there.

Hopefully not with one glove
and a friend in a Bronco.

I'm gonna be there, Chris!

I will be there!

While I had one foot
in the grave,

Tonya was digging up dirt.

Hey, baby.

Hey, Ma.

Can I ask you something?

Sure. What is it?

Did you ever kiss Lance?

Smooth.

That, Tonya, is none
of your business.

Okay, well...

do you love Lance more
than you love Daddy?

Instead of beating
around a bush,

Tonya took a chainsaw to it.

ROCHELLE:
Well, since you're so interested
in knowing what happened,

I guess I'll tell you.

I was dating Lance
and then I met your father.

You want to know why
I broke up with Lance?

Why?

Because your father was,

is and will always be
the love of my life.

Okay?

Okay.

That okay with you, Julius?

Okay.

Brooklyn was the home
of many modern trends,

stalking was one of them.

So was the sensitive thug.

So was the restraining order.

Years later,
Dwayne would go on to be

the first guy from Brooklyn
to have a prison marriage

with a girl he stalked,
stabbed and restrained.

(laughing)

Hey, Chris.

Who is Dwayne and why is
he following me around

and standing outside my house?

Oh, he's my boyfriend.

But he wasn't acting right,
so I told him about our kiss.

I thought you said
not to tell anybody.
You didn't, did you?

We're not talking about me.
We're talking about you.

And plus, you don't
have somebody following
you around in fatigues?

Hey, calm down, okay?

He ain't gonna do nothing.

How do you know?

I'll talk to him.

Isn't that how
all this got started?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

That kiss, I mean,
was it good?

Was it too much lip,
too sloppy?

It was... fine.

You're a good kisser.

Really?

Yeah.

At that moment, I had never
been more happy, or afraid.

I had two kisses and a death
threat, and I was cashing out.

Really.

It was nice.

If you tell anybody,
I will break your tongue.

Shouldn't I be saying that?

While I was counting
my blessings,

Mr. Omar had to pay the piper.

I know it's hard
to lose your husband.

But remember, he's in
a better place right now.

Drew?!

Where's my money?

Man, we're on our way
to a funeral.

You want to make it two?

You're not going anywhere
until I get my money.

You got five dollars
I could borrow?

Seven.

Seven.

This is coming out
of your bill.

Mr. Omar hated paying back
money even if it wasn't his.

Thank you.

And, uh,
sorry about your husband.

At least one of them is.

While Drew collected his money,

Susan called
to collect her man.

(pager beeping)

Hey, Chris.

Hey.

Could you come down for a
second, I want to talk to you.

Sure.
The funny thing about girls is

even when they say
they don't care what you do,

they still care
who you're doing it with.

I heard about
you and Susan.

Heard what?

You know.
Everybody knows.

She broke up with Dwayne
for you.

Who told you that?

Dwayne.

Well, it's not true.

Oh.

I was going to say,
after one kiss, dang.

I had no idea
what all that meant,

but I took it as a compliment.

So do you like her?

I mean, she's all right.

She a good kisser?

Better than my pillow.

It was cool.

You think she's better than me?

Kissing?

No. Tetherball, stupid.

I don't know.

When you kissed Robert,
you looked pretty good.

I did?

Yeah.

Is your mom home?

Uh, no, why?

Can we go upstairs for a second?

What for?

Hey, idiot, can't you see
what's happening here?

I want to show you something.

Okay, cool.
Thank you.

Hi, Tasha.

Hi, Chris.
Dang it.

Hey, Mom.
Hi.

Baby, when you're done here,
I want you to come help me

with dinner, okay?
Okay.

All right. Tasha, tell your
grandmother I say hello.

Come on.

Oh, I forgot I have
to wash the dishes.

Oh, okay, well,
what were you going to show me?

Nothing.

I'll just see you later.

I never did find out what Tasha
was going to show me,

but after my first kiss,
I saw a whole new side of her.

Yes, may I help you?

Hi, are you Chris's mother?

Yes.

Why? What did he do?

He was at a party with
my daughter, Susan,

last Wednesday night.

Oh, no, no, no,
I don't think so.

Chris was here at home
watching my daughter for me

on Wednesday night.

Okay, well, somebody named Chris
was at that party

and she said that he lived here.

Look, I'm just trying to inform
everybody who was at the party

that Susan was contagious
and she has the mumps.

Well, I don't know
what you're talking about

because Chris doesn't have
the mumps.

One minute.

Chris!

Maybe the mumps will cushion
my butt-whupping.

* Everybody hates Chris.