Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 10 - Everybody Hates Kwanzaa - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
The holiday break was my
favorite time of the year.

Two weeks of complete
freedom from school.

No assignments and no homework.

This year, my holiday gift
to you is a homework assignment.

I'm glad I didn't
get her anything.

Don't fret. This will be fun.

Your assignment is to help
someone in need

and give back to your community.

I'm on vacation. Call Oprah.

Oh, I'm gonna do
what I do every Christmas

at the old folks' home.



What's that?

Pose for pictures
dressed as baby Jesus.

I posed for pictures
as big baby Jesus. R.I.P., ODB.

So what are you
gonna do?

I don't know--
something quick

so I can enjoy my vacation.

Chris, what are
you gonna do?

I don't know.
Maybe work at a soup kitchen.

Oh, that's so nice.

Oh, but the only thing is

I don't think there's one
in my neighborhood.

Oh, yes, there is.

(whispers):
And could you give this

back to Robert,
the manager?



He dropped it in
sixth period study hall.

Sure he did.

Thanks, man.

Come get some soup?

Oh, no. Actually,
I'm here to volunteer.

I got plenty of volunteers.

This time of year,
everybody wants to give back.

But I'm doing this
for a school assignment.

You got any suggestions?

I don't know, man.

White people take all
the volunteer jobs

at the soup kitchen.

If they really wanted
to help the hungry,

they'd volunteer
at the meat kitchen.

Hey, Kill Moves.

You waiting for soup?

This a soup line?

I was waiting to sit
on Santa's lap.

Well, what do you want
Santa to give you?

300 issues of Jet magazine,
a solid gold football helmet

and an Ionic Breeze
air purifier.

That last thing hadn't even
been invented yet.

Anything else?

A Christmas present
for my mother.

Really?

I can help you with that.

This was
the perfect opportunity

to get rid of my school
assignment,

and it was the daily double;

I got to help a homeless
person and a crazy person

at the same time.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK:
Christmas was my mother's
favorite time of year.

She loved the food.

And she loved the decorations.

My father, on the other hand,
hated Christmas.

He hated the food.

I need to go
grocery shopping.

And he hated the decorations.

We need decorations.

What's wrong, Julius?

Man, those papers are
heavy this time of year.

Kills my back.

What's going on
for the holidays?

Not much.

I didn't get my
Christmas bonus.

It's gonna be tight.

It's tight,
all right, man.

I ain't got
this year, man.

I'm not buying
no gifts,

I'm not buying
no cards.

I'm not even
calling nobody, man.

Everybody getting
the same gift

from me
this year-- hope.

Hope I buy
them something.

Thanks, Manny
Have a good one, man.

Good luck, man.

My father would have given us
the best Christmas he could

until he found out
he had another option.

Brothers and sisters,

we need to stop
this Christmas racket.

What's all this?

What's this?
Come over here, brother.

We encourage you
to celebrate Kwanzaa this year.

And stop being a slave

to consumerism.

Free yourself of your
financial oppressors

by giving African love.

What's Kwanzaa?

Kwanzaa is celebrated
the seven days after Christmas

and emphasizes principles of
family, community and culture.

This peaceful African holiday

was the great idea
of Dr. Malauna Karenga

Later, one of his bad ideas
led him to prison for four years

for felonious assault
and false imprisonment.

Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed
limited success,

felonious assault
swept the nation

and continues to thrive

throughout the African-American
community today.

Well, are there presents?

Yeah, but they should
come from the Earth.

Like diamonds?
No.

Well, they're
from the Earth

and they're from Africa.

Look, that may be true,
but I'm talking about

crops and fruits and vegetables.

What comes from the Earth
in Bed-Stuy

are cigarette butts
and crack vials.

But we want toys,
right, Chris?

Doesn't make much
difference to me.

I haven't gotten a present
in four years.

Maybe this year
I can get some fruit.

Judging from my luck
during past holidays,

I'll be getting some pits.

Julius, can I ask you
a question?

Shoot.

Are you doing Kwanzaa
'cause it's cheap?

Yes!
No.

Are you sure?

No.

Positive.

I mean, we don't want our kids
growing up thinking

holidays are all about
buying, buying, buying.

There's more to life

than just running
to the toy store.

Okay.

Mm... mwa!

Happy Kwanzaa.

While my family was
preparing for Kwanzaa,

I was preparing to go shopping
with Kill Moves.

I didn't know much about him
except that on Sunday mornings

he directed traffic
in his underwear.

Hey, Kill Moves.

Merry...

I thought you was
the mailman.

I was gonna give him
this Christmas tip.

Come on in.

MAN (on TV):
When they get ready
to play on Sunday...

You got cable?

Can't miss Inside The NFL.

I love Nick Buoniconti.

So we looking for a gift
for your mother?

No, it's actually
for your mother.

Don't talk about
my mama!
I didn't mean
like that.

That's okay.
I didn't hear you anyway.

So what kinds of things
does your mother like?

I don't know,

but if it was your mother,
what would you get her?

Diamonds and a white man.
Good choice.

Okay, I don't think
we can buy that.

But maybe chocolates?

Sounds good.

Good. So you got any money?

Uh... just this.

It's a bunch
of money in here!

Where'd you get
all this?
In here.

Okay. Well, let's go get
something for you mother.

What crazy see, crazy do.

Hey, Monica.

Hey, Tonya. Cool hat.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, thanks, but you
didn't have to do this.

Uh-huh.

It's Christmas.

Oh. Well, I have your gift.

but I just...
I have to wrap it.

That's cool.

Hey, do you want

to go Christmas caroling
with me and my cousins?

Christmas caroling?
Black people? Really?

No, my family's already
doing stuff,

but we're doing it at home.

Yeah. Bye.

While Tonya wouldn't speak
about Kwanzaa,

Drew was ready to start
speaking Swahili.

The first principle
of Kwanzaa is umoja; unity.

That means us black people
gotta stick together.

Well, that's it for Kwanzaa.

Come on, baby,
you're gonna miss it.

Here. Here's your corn.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

You husk it, and then
we make hats out of it.

You know, to keep the blue-eyed
demons out of our heads.

Whatever.
Look, can I have some money

to buy a Christmas present
for my friend Monica?

Well, I'm afraid
that's not in accordance

with the principles
of Kwanzaa.

Or my father's cheapness.

Well, she got me a gift,
so shouldn't I give one back?

Absolutely. Here.
Give her this corn.

You still got some money
left in here.

You want it?

No, thanks.

Your mom's gonna love
those chocolates and the watch.

I don't know.

Are you sure this
is a good watch?

Timex has a slogan.

I never heard of a slogan
for Rolex.

How about "It takes a lickin',

and then you buy a new one
because you're rich"?

Trust me, it's good.

Anyway, thanks for your help.

No problem. Merry Christmas.

Happy Kwanzaa.

And merry methadone.

Say, listen,

could you go with me tomorrow

when I drop the gifts off
to her house?

Sure. Where does she live?

I don't know.

I guess giving back
to the community

wasn't goingto be
so quick and easy.

(knocking)
I'll get it!

CHRIS ROCK:
The hard thing about Kwanzaa

was that everybody else
was celebrating Christmas.

Even if you stayed
in the house,

you couldn't escape it.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Hi, Greg. Uh, uh, come on in.

Chris, Greg is here!

I brought you
a Christmas gift.

Thank you.
You didn't have to.

Trivia fact:
those are his real ears.

You didn't tell me
you'd be working

as one of Santa's
elves this year.

I'm not.
Oh.

So where's your Christmas tree?

We're celebrating Kwanzaa
this year.

Happy Kwanzaa.

Harambee!

God bless you.

Oh, beets!
These are my favorite!

Lots of vitamin A.

This was on my list.

So what are you doing today?

Well, I got to be back
at the North Pole by 11:00.

But other than that, nothing.

Good, 'cause I need your help.

So we're gonna go through
some of your stuff

and see if we can find
some clues to your
mother's whereabouts.

We're going to point
to stuff and you're gonna
tell us what it is.

Roger.

You mean, yes?

No, I mean Roger.

You're pointing at Roger.

That's the bear's name.

And he finds pointing very rude.

And he finds his owner
very crazy.

I love Kwanzaa.

Doesn't interfere
with Christmas

and it's a good way
to bring the family together.

You know, Christmas
is too materialistic.

Yeah, well, my mom
made this for you.

Ooh. Well, tell your mama
I said thank you.

You know, I did
a little jail time

with the guy
who invented Kwanzaa.

Really?
Yeah!

I won a hat just like this
from him in a card game.

He was a good guy.

If he hadn't committed
that felonious assault,

Kwanzaa would have
caught on, been big.

No, it wouldn't.

Look, I got to go
in the back.

Holler if you need something.

She needed something.
She didn't holler.

Well, I'll see you later, Doc.

That's my CIA card from
the Bay of Pigs invasion.

An address book.

A piggy bank from the
1964 World's Fair.

Wait, what
you just say?

(loudly):
A piggy bank from the 19...

No, no, you said this
is an address book.

Mom.
Kathleen Devereaux.

551 East 63 Street.

Dude...

that's on the Upper
East Side of Manhattan.

Do you know what kind
of people live there?

White people and Spike Lee.

Why am I doing this?

Well, if you're gonna
go see your mother,

you gotta get cleaned up.

All right. You're the elf.

Cleaning up Kill Moves
was tougher

than cleaning up
New Orleans after Katrina.

Here! What
size you wear?

650 long.

All right.

Uh... Oh, hey.

Huh? Huh? What
do you think?

You have something
in a chartreuse?

* Just a little bit...

Stop moving around so much.

Take it easy.
I'm tender-headed.

Ow!

After 15 bottles of shampoo

and a Silkwood shower,
our job was complete.

You're done.

Ooh-ee.

I look like a young
Cleavon Little.

More like an old Clifton Davis.

How much?

Nothing. Just consider
it a Christmas gift.

Hey, Slick, if you wasn't
a psychotic, homeless bum

I'd go out with you.

Get in line, sister.
Get in line.

Since there was no "Kwanzaa
Eve" celebration for my family,

Christmas Day turned
into just another Wednesday.

Aren't there any
Kwanzaa shows on?

Yeah. The Bob Hope
Kwanzaa Special.

Everything is about Christmas.

Our ancestors played
games and told stories.

Because
our ancestors

didn't have TV.

See, that's Kwanzaa's
second principle,

Kujichagulia--
self-determination.
Kuji-what?

We define ourselves.

We don't need The Man
telling us what to watch.

Do we have any
wrapping paper?

We have Kwanzaa paper.

Here you go. baby.

Mr. Omar is outside.

Oh. I'll get it.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Let the yuletide ring!

What is all this?

Oh, the Widows'
Choir of Bed-Stuy.

Hey, y'all.

Hi.
Hey.
Hi.

What's wrong with y'all?

You look like the Grinch
stole your Christmas.

We're not celebrating
Christmas this year.

We're celebrating Kwanzaa.

Yeah, we're tired
of being consumed

by this capitalistic nation's
mindless consumerism.

Tragic.

Well, you won't
be needing this, then.

Come on, ladies!

Let's go and celebrate
some Christmas cheer.

This has got to be wrong.

Baby, welcome home.

Hey, Mom, Merry Christmas.

I guess this is it.

Baby, it's so
good to see you.

I've been
very worried.

It's good to see
you, too, Mom.

How have you been?

Homeless.

Other than that.

Good. You know,
watching my diet.

I get a lot of exercise, and
I don't talk to space people

as much as I used to.
Except for Gazoo.

Well, of course.

And who are you?

Oh, I'm Chris.

Welcome to my
home, Chris.

Wow. Looks like
a department store.

Well, this is my
favorite time of year.

I bought you
a Christmas present.

Hmm.

A watch.

And...

Turtles.

Where did you
find turtles?!

At the corner store.

Didn't you see the Rolex?

I have eight Rolexes,
but I haven't had a Turtle

since I was a girl.

This is very
sweet of you.
Thanks, Mom.

Well, why don't you
put your coat down?

Edgar, why don't you play
something for us on the piano?

I want to talk to Chris
for a little while.

(knuckles cracking)

(playing beautifully)

Well, thank you for
bringing my boy home.

He gets lost easily.

Has he always
been like this?

You mean "crazy"?

(sinister laugh)

Yeah.

Oh, Edgar's always
been savant-like.

As a little child,

he had a talent
for charts, graphs,

numbers and martial arts.

Really?

Edgar? What is the
square root of pi?

1.77245385.

I knew that.

Until a few years ago,
he wa functioning semi-normally

as an air traffic controller.

What happened?

(discordant notes)

Ronald Reagan.

He fired us all.

That sent me on
a downward spiral

of paranoia,
schizophrenia...

Reagan, too.

I took to wandering

the streets until I met
Gazoo, the space man,

He told me that the
only true freedom

could be found by
living in a box.

Gazoo?

From The Flintstones.

Later Christmas day,
my family got a visit

from the Ghost
of Shoplifting Present.

Oh, yes?
Hi.

I'm Monica's mother--
Tonya's friend.

Oh, hi. How can I help you?

I came to return this
gift Tonya gave her.

It's too
expensive.

It has to cost
like $30 or $40

Oh, well, I
completely understand.

Wait a minute.

Would you like

some beets?

Why, thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

And a Happy Kwanzaa
to you as well.

That look means, "I don't know
what the hell is going on,

but I'm about to find out."

Where'd you get this?

Doc's store.

Where'd you get the money?

You did have
the money, didn't you?

Monica got me
a Christmas present

and I didn't
have one to give back, so...

I took it.

You took it.

You mean you stole it.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're gonna
be sorry.

But first, you're
gonna take this

back to Doc's
and you're gonna

tell him what you did.

Am I in trouble?

Girl, you better be lucky
it's the holidays.

Happy Kwanzaa.

Nice to see you again, Mom,
but I gotta get home

before somebody
moves into my box.

I want you to keep
in touch this time.

I will. I'll call you
from the phone in my head.

Great. Chris,
this is my number.

Will you call me from
the phone in your house

and let me know
how he's doing?

Yes.

I appreciate that.

You still have the
suitcase I gave you?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, is there
anything left in it?

No, ma'am, it's empty.

Well.

Here's another.

Thank you.

And thank you, Chris.

It's nice to know that
Edgar has a friend.

Yeah. He's a
good friend, too.

Bye, Mom.
Merry Christmas.

My assignment was
to give something

back to the community,

and I didn't think
I had anything to give,

but that's only because you
can't buy a friend at a store.

Finding out that Kill Moves's
mother was a rich socialite

should've been the biggest
surprise I had that day,

but it wasn't.

What's in there anyway?

Same as last time.

You want some?

I can't eat it all.

No, thanks.

Well, at least
take this, uh...

holiday card.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Chris.

CAROLERS:
* We wish you
a merry Christmas *

* We wish you
a merry Christmas *

* And a happy new year

* Good tidings we bring
to you and your friends *

* We wish you
a merry Christmas *

* And a happy new year...

Rochelle.

What's wrong?

This is the just
worst holiday ever.

Chris isn't home,
Tonya's stealing

and Drew claims he's never gonna
talk to white people again.

Years later, Drew
married a white woman.

but every Christmas,
he ignores her

I'm sorry, baby.

Kwanzaa seemed
like a good idea.

That's okay. We'll celebrate
Kwanzaa this time,

but next year
we're having Christmas.

I have a confession to make.

What?

Well, the reason we're not

celebrating Christmas
this year is...

I didn't get my bonus,

I knew it!

I knew it.

You always choose cheap
over the truth.

Why didn't you tell me you
didn't have any money?

Well, I didn't want to
disappoint you, baby.

Julius, we have been
15 years, three kids...

And a partridge in a pear tree.

I know you better
than you know yourself.

Okay, fine. We just gotta
figure out a way to fix this.

Kwanzaa had been
a disaster at my house,

but at least Kill Moves
had a good Christmas.

Then, just when I thought
I had nothing left to give,

Hey! Happy holidays, 'lil dude.

Let me hold a dollar.

I don't have any money.

But... I do have
this Christmas card.

(sighs)

Thanks.

You owe me a dollar.

Merry Christmas.

Even though Christmas
had passed,

my parents wanted to let some
of our old traditions live.

What's going on?

BOTH:
Merry Christmas!

Fortunately, one of the day-
after-Christmas traditions

is that everything is 75% off.

Kill Moves and his mother
taught me a valuable lesson--

No matter what you celebrate,

the holidays should be spent
with people you love.

Thanks for that two
grand, 'lil dude.

What two grand?

It was in that Christmas
card you gave me.

What?

Yeah. In the
spirit of Christmas,

I'm-a give you a dollar.

You got change
for a hundred?

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