Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 9 - Everybody Hates the New Kid - full transcript

When a second black kid enrolls in Chris's school, the two become fast friends, which makes Greg jealous. Julius becomes nervous when the IRS gives the family a larger-than-expected tax refund.

CHRIS ROCK:
After two years at Corleone,

I'd gotten used to being
the only black kid.

But it had two major
down sides.

One down side was,
I was the only black kid.

And the other was,
I was the only black kid.

Let's celebrate
the day Chris's people

finally realized
they were emancipated.

Happy Juneteenth,
Chris.

I thought that things
would never change.

Then Albert arrived.

I was excited
about Albert's arrival



and anxious for us to meet.

But I decided to play it cool.

What's up?

What's up?

All right.

I was cool on the outside
but inside I felt like this...

(hip-hop music playing)

Cool or not,
we were two of a kind.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

The only one
who wasn't looking forward

to Albert being
at Corleone was Greg.

I'm going to go talk
to the new kid.

I've been dreading
this day.



What are you talking
about?

I always knew
that someday

someone would come
along that had more

in common with you.

Just 'cause he's black?

Greg, that's silly.

Not that silly.

I'll be back.

Sure you will.

Hey, welcome
to Corleone.

Hi, I'm Albert.

Hey, Chris.

Man, I was glad
to see you.

When I first got here,

I thought it was going
to be like my last school,

where I was the only
black kid.

Mm-hmm.

They really gave me
a hard time over there.

I got beat up
almost every day.

Same here.

What school did
you go to?

Strom Thurmond
Junior High.

The only black kids allowed
there

were children
of Strom Thurmond.

Well, now there's
two of us,

which is twice as much
as there was before.

So, we can have each
other's back.

That sounds like a plan.

(bell rings)

Oh, I got to go,

but we can hang
out later.

Cool.

I told you I'd be back.

Yeah, but for how long, Chris?

For how long?

That concludes another episode
of "As The Nerd Turns."

Class, we have a new student
with us.

Say hello to Albert!

ALL:
Hi, Albert.

Chris, you must
be so happy.

You must feel just
like Jackie Robinson

when Larry Doby
arrived.

More like Robert Perish
when Dennis Johnson showed up.

Who's Larry Doby?

He was the second black
man in baseball,

but he was taller than
Jackie and more...

strapping.

With his strong
shoulders

and Nubian profile.

His Cleveland Indians
uniform complimented

by the rich caramel
color of his skin.

And the way he
swung his bat.

(giggles)

Forget jungle fever.

She's having a jungle seizure.

Ms. Morello, are you okay?

Uh, yes.

Anyway...

after years of being alone
and ostracized,

you now have a soul brother.

Somebody to talk jive with
and to shoot dice with,

to talk about being raised
by MaDear with.

Just seeing the two of you

together would make your leaders
like Dr. King

and Uncle Remus proud.

Oh, happy day!

(giggles)

She might have been crazy,
but she was right.

I finally had somebody
I could really relate to.

(sighs)

Y'all, go put that stuff
in the kitchen.

Bills, bills...

more bills, junk mail.

Internal Revenue Service?

"We are pleased to inform you"

"estimated tax..."

Refund?

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

A tax refund check is
like a bonus for broke people.

A bonus which my mother
accepted with grace and class.

Kiss my ass, Visa!

Visa was actually the name
of the lady

who collected bills
for MasterCard.

This is way too much!

What's way too much?

Our refund, it's,

it's three times more
than what we were expecting.

That's how MC Hammer got
in trouble.

Cool, now we can finally
buy stuff

without having to put it
on layaway.

You got that
right.

Hey, don't take
your coats off.

Why, where are
we going?

Shopping!

We're going shopping!

The more time I spent
with Albert,

the more I found out
we had a lot in common.

Did you see
227 this week?

Aw, man,
how funny was that?

When Sandra pretended
to be Mary?

Then Lester comes home
and cold busts her?

Man, I love
that show!
Me, too!

Back then there were almost
no black shows on TV.

Kind of like it is now.

Anybody see
Kate & Allie?

No!

No.

Well, Kate convinced Allie
to accompany her

to their 20th high school

reunion where
Allie found herself

questioning her life's successes
and failures.

It could have been worse...

Greg never missed an episode
of Murder She Wrote.

Anyone who says money
can't buy happiness

never saw my mother
with her IRS refund couch.

Ooh, this is nice.

The tighter I got with Albert,
the more uptight Greg got.

Hey, Chris.

Do you want to come over
and play some video games?

Nah, we're gonna go
hang out.

You want to come?

Where are you going?

We're going to the
record store.

The twelve inch of
"The Show" just came out.

What show?

Doug E. Fresh.

Dougie who?

You know, Slick Rick...

(rapping):
La-di-da-di...

BOTH:
We like to party.
We don't cause trouble.

We don't bother nobody.

Chris, I don't think
your man likes rap.

Yeah, he does.

Come on, Greg.

No, that's okay.

You guys can go ahead.

You sure?

Yeah, I got lots
of homework to do.

All right,
I'll call you later.

While Greg had a negative
reaction to the brothers...

my mother was hoping
for a positive reaction

from my father.

We can't afford this.

Yes, we can.

I-I used our tax refund check.

Wait. When did that come?

The other day.

Look, Rochelle,
I had plans for that money,

that didn't include spending it
all on a couch.

But, baby,
we got triple the amount

that we were supposed to get.

Triple?
Yes!

But we were only supposed
to get back $600.

I know, I know, and that's why

I bought a little bit of
something for everybody.

I paid some bills for you,

and I bought the couch for me,

and I bought some variety cereal
packs for the kids.

Wow, cereal.

Careful, you'll spoil us.

Hey, wait, wait, wait,
where are you going?

I'm going to go sit down.

No you're not.

New couch, new rules.

There'll be no eating
on this couch.

So that means no
soups, no salads,

no sandwiches, no ribs,
no Cheerios,

no Bazooka gum, nothing.

If you fall asleep,

keep your funky little feet
on the floor.

Put a towel
underneath your face

to keep the drool
and the dribble

from getting
on my pillows.

If you sit down,

you cannot have any pens,
pencils, markers, nothing.

By the time I sat
on the new couch,

it was the old couch.
Do not...

Hey, Greg, we're going
to go hang out later.

Want to come?

Who's we?

Me and Albert.

Oh, so you're "we" now?

You know, you and
I used to be "we."

Now all of a sudden we
have nothing in common.

What's wrong
with you?

I've been hearing
some pretty bad things

about your new
friend, Albert.
Like what?

People are saying he's not
who he pretends to be.

I mean, he's cool with you,

but he's a jerk
to everyone else.

You know, I think
you're just jealous.

Besides, what do you think
other kids say about me

behind my back?

I think it starts
with the letter N.

And I don't care
what other kids say.

I'm going to hang out
with Albert.

But that doesn't mean you
and me can't still be friends.

Oh, really?

Then why is it that ever
since he's gotten here,

I've seen less and
less of you?

What are you talking about?
We're together now.

Well, this doesn't count.

I mean we don't even eat
lunch together anymore.

You haven't returned
my phone calls.

But hey, things can
change, right?

Is this a show
about my childhood

or an episode of Dr. Phil?

What do you want me
to say?

We have a lot in common.

He gets stuff
that you don't.

Like what?

Sickle-cell anemia.

Like, Albert knows
what it's like

to be the only black kid
in school.

And that's something
you won't get.

You never will.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, all I'm saying is...

watch your back... friend.

How can my life be this much
of a soap opera

with no women involved.

Ms. Morello was right.

Hanging out with Albert
was cool.

But I still felt bad
about fighting with Greg.

There goes
the neighborhood.

Hey,

my dad's got an extra ticket
to the Knicks game.

He said I could
bring somebody.

Want to go?

Are you kidding me?

Heck, yeah, I want to go.

Thanks, man.

No problem.

Hey, let's get out of here

before your man
shows up.
Who, Greg?

Yeah, he's no
fun at all.

Hey, watch this.

Nice shirt.

Did Prince just
have a garage sale?

Hey, Chico and the Man,

Freddie Prinze
just called.

And he wants
his hair back.

Taunt the Puerto Rican kid.

That's a good way to get cut.

Hey, man,
what are you doing?

I'm just having
a little fun.

Try it.

It wasn't natural
for me to act like a jerk,

but I learned quick.

Hey, Caruso.

What, mutt?

You know, you have
a face like a saint.

A Saint Bernard.

One black kid
Caruso could handle.

But two of us was like Will
and Martin in Bad Boys.

Hey, babe.

How come you're not
sitting on the couch?

Did you read this letter
from the IRS?

Yeah, so?

So?

So it says they could
demand their money back

with interest
at any time

if they determine
that a mistake was made.

Baby, they send that
letter to everybody.

Well, what if they want
their money back?

Where am I going
to get it from?

Julius, you got
better odds

of being struck
by lightening

than the IRS wanting
their money back.

Statistically, she was right.

(screaming)

Besides, what's the worst
that can happen?

JULIUS:
Where did they go...?

What is go...
Oh, my...

Dad, they
took the TV.

Julius, they took
my wigs.

Ow!

Dad... They're taking Tonya.

(screaming)

No!

Name brand cereal
is like crack to kids.

And when Tonya and Drew opened
that variety pack,

they became snap,
crackle and pop heads.

TONYA:
Drew, give it!

DREW:
No, I called
the Chocalot.

TONYA:
Mama, Drew took
my Chocalots.

Both of y'all, get in here now.

Julius, they driving me
crazy behind this cereal.

Well, Drew did call
the Chocalots.

I don't care who called what.

It's too early
for all this arguing.

Drew, give your sister
the cereal.

Fine.

But tomorrow I call
the Fruit Hoops.
No, Ma, I...

Girl, don't press your luck
before I knock

the Rice Krispies
out of you.

DREW:
Man, who ate up all
the Cereal Smack?

I called the Cereal Smacks.

See?

I called them.

After a few days, I found out

I had a lot more in common
with Albert

than I had with Greg.

Hey, check this dude out.

Hey, Mario?

Your mama's so stupid,

she thought a quarterback
was a refund.

(Albert laughing)

Oh, yeah?

Su mama es la mariscal
de la cancha.

Now we're going to get fined
by the Mexican FCC.

Hey, I'll be right back.

What'd you do that for?

I was just having a little fun.

Fun for who?

Okay, now this is an easy one.

Who was the only president
to ever be impeached?

Chris?

Uh, George Washington Carver?

(laughter)

No, Chris.

George Washington Carver
was the black peanut genius.

And you should know that.

Albert?

I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

Did you read
the assigned material?

You can read, can't you?

Yeah, I can read.

Well, then,
there's no excuse for you not

having studied. Now,

I know you and Chris
are having fun

shucking and jiving

together, but you
should really spend

more time studying...

Albert looked at her

like he was about
to get his third strike.

What's wrong with you?

Can you believe what she said?

It's not that big
of a deal, man.

It's nothing worse than
what she said to me.

Forget her.

No, I ain't forgetting nothing.

I'll bet you
she won't do that again.

What do you mean?

We're going to pay her back.

I think I just joined a gang.

Who's we?

As it turned out,
Albert could not only read.

He could also write.

Way to go, Basquiat.

I didn't do this.

Sure you didn't.

Who would possess
the vulgar cultural background

and raw, angry,
street talent to do

something like this?

I'll give you one guess,
and it starts with Albert.

Hey, Albert.

Did you see it?

Yeah, I saw it.

Pretty cool, huh?

We put her in her place.

What is with this we?

I had nothing
to do with this.

Well, you know...

No, I don't know.

Caruso thinks I did it.

Yeah, well, you and me?
It's the same thing.

Solidarity, right?

Solidarity... wrong.

You took
this too far.

Now you need to
tell Ms. Morello

what you did,
or I'm going to.

Oh, it's like that, huh?

Yeah, it's like that.

And that's the
way it is. Ugh!

That sounded a lot cooler
in my head.

Okay, then I'll tell her.

I'm not scared.

I'm deeply disappointed in you,

Chris.

I thought we had a connection,

and yet, you go and spray paint
those awful words.

Wait. Didn't Albert talk to you?

Yes. Your friend
came in here,

and as hard as it was
for him to turn you in,

he did the right thing
by letting me know

you were the one who
defaced school property.

But it wasn't me.

I didn't do it.

Don't try to deny it, mister.

I know in your culture,

people think that
word is a compliment,

but in this
instance, it's not.

Ms. Morello, Albert's the one
who spray painted that wall.

I know you were embarrassed
for your friend

because he didn't study,

but you're not helping
him by calling me names.

Sticks and stones, Chris.

I know where I'd like
to stick a stone.

I'm giving you detention.

That's not fair.

I told you I didn't do it.

And furthermore, you're
going to clean that wall.

Give it,
or I'm going to tell.

Tonya, you didn't even
want the Frosty Flakes

until I had them. Stop!

So, you can eat
Crazy Bran.

I'm not eating the
Crazy Bran, Tonya. Stop!

Stop! You're spilling it!

Hey!

Give me those darn cereal!

I'm sick of y'all fighting
over cereal.

Every day, y'all...

your life's bigger that cereal!

It's cereal!

Now eat the damn cereal!

Eat the Damn Cereal.

Coming soon from Kellogg's.

Can I help you?

I've got a hypothetical
question for you.

Okay.

What are the chances

that the IRS would demand
a refund on a tax refund?

Hypothetically?

Hypothetically.

Well, that hardly
ever happens.

Really?
Yes. Almost never.

Almost?

Very rarely.

How rare?

Uh, it's unlikely.

I mean, it could take years

if they ever even
caught the mistake,

but they probably wouldn't.

How probable is that probably?

Did you cash the refund check?

Hypothetically?

Yes.

No.

Good.

But my hypothetical wife did.

Oh.

Oh? Oh, hey,
what's oh? What...?

Well, if you got a larger
than normal refund,

um, it's possible you aren't
aware of some benefit.

Although the IRS takes a lot
of money by accident,

we usually don't
give money away by accident.

You'll probably be okay.

Hypothetically.

Probably?
Possibly.

Maybe.

I hope.

Thanks.

My father wasn't the only one

stressed out
because of that refund.

(sighs)

What are you doing?

I'm trying to clean
this mess off the wall.

I can see that, but why?
You didn't do it.

I know, but nobody
seems to believe me.

I guess I should have listened
to you about Albert.

I guess you should have.

Sorry.

So am I.

It's better to hang out
with friends

that get you out of trouble,
not into it.

If only Tupac had known that.

While I was worrying
about my problem,

my father had problems
of his own.

Julius,

is something wrong
with your food?

No, uh, I'm just not hungry.

For my father to waste food,
that could only mean one thing.

Hell must have frozen over.

Damn, it's cold!

Julius, what's wrong?

(sighs)

I can't stop worrying
about this refund.

I mean, I keep having
these nightmares

the government's going
to take all we own,

and we have to end up
living in the street.

That is not going to happen.

It happened to Red Fox.

How do you know?

'Cause I'm not living
in the streets.

If everybody in this house
has to get two jobs,

we'll find a way to pay

the money back.

Yeah, I can pick up
some extra hours at Doc's.

Do I have to get two jobs?

Well, if you want to stay here
with two parents

and two brothers, yes,
you have to get two jobs.

But what if I get one job,
and I keep Daddy?

Girl, don't
play with me.

Well, I could get a
job as a bullfighter

and get a paper route.

Boy, I'm not going
to let you kill yourself

out there on no paper route.

Chris, you take
the paper route.

Drew, why don't you

find something else to do?

Okay.

Oh, you guys would really
do that for me?

In a heartbeat.

Baby, if the IRS

knocks on this door,
we'll be ready for them.

Okay?
Okay.

Now, eat
your food.

That night, my family showed me

what it meant
to have someone's back,

and I realized that Greg,
not Albert,

would always have mine.

I hope you're happy.

They found the paint
cans in my locker.

I got expelled.

That's not my fault.
I didn't say anything.

Then who did?
Me.

I saw what you did,
but I didn't want

to say anything until
you got Chris in trouble.

Then I told
Ms. Morello.

Oh, yeah.

Here.

I changed my mind
about the game.

I didn't really want to go
with you anyway.

This is just like when
Bobby Brown left New Edition.

Thanks for getting me
out of detention.

Don't mention it. You'd
do the same for me.

Greg was right. I would.

Because when it came
to our friendship,

we didn't see color.

Hey, Count Chocula.
Hey, Captain Crunch.

Never would have happened

if I had convinced Greg
to wear black face.

* Everybody hates Chris.