Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 11 - Everybody Hates the Port Authority - full transcript
When Julius's uncle dies, the family plans to go to the funeral in South Carolina by bus. At the Port Authority bus terminal, Rochelle informs Chris and Julius that she divided their money among them to reduce the risk of them being pickpocketed. Chris is left by himself while Julius buys the bus tickets and the others go to the vending machines. A three-card monte dealer sets up a table nearby and encourages Chris to bet. Chris starts out winning but eventually loses the $100 that had been entrusted to him. Needing more money for the bus tickets, Julius asks Chris for the money and learns how he lost it. Julius tries to win the money back but winds up losing as well. Fortunately for the family, Rochelle is familiar with scams.
CHRIS ROCK:
As much as I loved
growing up in Bed-Stuy,
the place I loved even more
was down South.
After segregation and before
the 2 Live Crew, down South
was good, and the weather
was always beautiful.
Hey, Mom, when are we
going down South again?
When the Klan breaks up.
I don't know, baby.
That'll be nice.
Hey, Ma.
Who's that?
Oh, that's your
Cousin Beanie!
You know what, she's
12, just like you.
Except Cousin Beanie's
not evil.
You know what,
maybe we should plan
a trip down South.
I don't like down South;
people act too country.
They're not acting.
Well, I wish
I could go.
Well, Drew and Tonya,
you guys get washed up.
We're about to eat.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, little man.
Hey, Uncle Louis!
Hey.
Hey.
Hi? Hello?
Uh-oh. What's wrong?
LOUIS:
I just found out
that Uncle Morris died.
Uncle Morris?
Yeah. He taught me how to drive.
Well, who was
Uncle Morris?
He's my mother's sister's
second husband.
A stick shift.
Oh, baby.
Well, when's the funeral?
Next week.
Down South.
Oh.
I don't think we can go.
Baby, what do you
mean, we can't go?
We can't afford to go.
You can't put a price tag
on family, Julius.
Yeah, but he'll give you
five dollars to shut up.
Louis is right.
Family is family, baby.
Family is family.
So we're going down South?
Yep.
Thanks, Uncle Morris.
* Ah, make it funky now.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
CHRIS ROCK:
Back at school, I tried
to bring Greg up to speed
on the new direction
of the South.
Down South?
You mean, like, across
the Mason-Dixon Line?
Yeah, you know, Georgia,
Alabama, Mississippi,
South Carolina.
Mississippi?
Are you trying
to get yourself killed?
You going to Mississippi
is like me going to,
hmm, I don't know,
Mississippi.
Man, it's not
like that anymore.
Yes, it is.
Anyway, I
want to go.
Down South, the
food is better.
The cops don't beat
the crap out of you,
and nobody's on crack.
That's because everybody's
on the porch.
Well, I'm sorry
about your uncle, man.
I'll see you
when you get back.
All right.
Before you could buy
plane tickets on the Internet,
the cheapest way to travel
was to take Greyhound.
How's it going?
Well, they've only got
two busses
that go to Greenville,
South Carolina.
The cheaper one goes
to Camden, Portsmouth,
Baltimore, Richmond,
Baltimore again,
Raleigh, Toledo, Gastonia...
Darryl Richardson's house,
What?
Boston,
the Crossroads, Atlanta,
then Greenville.
Well, does the other bus
make less stops? Oh!
Yeah, but it costs
almost $200 more.
Well, why don't we just drive?
I love a road trip.
What, are... you going with us?
(laughs):
Well, how else am I supposed
to get there, silly?
You want to...
(imitates air rushing)
* Superman!
(laughing)
Blink!
Yes, master.
(laughing)
Well, I-I just assumed
you'd be flying-- I mean...
you don't want to be
on no bus with us.
Are you kidding?
I love the bus!
(laughs)
Man, I get
to spend time
with my big brother
and his family,
see the sights,
meet new people,
and best of all,
sing-alongs.
Sing it with me.
* Now I lay me down
to sleep, bow! *
(Louis imitating electric bass)
* Whoo! I just can't
BOTH:
* Find the beat
* Flashlight, light
(imitating electric bass)
* Now, Neon light...
Take the bass part.
BOTH (deep voice):
* Neon light...
(laughter)
Um, uh, Julius, can you
come upstairs with me
for a second?
He can if Uncle Louis
isn't coming.
* La, da, da
(Louis continues humming,
imitating bass)
What is wrong with you?
Do you hear that?
* Everybody's got
a little light *
(falsetto):
* Under the sun,
under the sun... *
That's what's
wrong with me.
Look, I'm not gonna
spend 26 hours on a bus
with my brother.
I love him, but
he drives me nuts.
Baby, why? I mean,
he's always laughing
(musical squeaking)
and smiling
and in a good mood.
Exactly. And while
he's having fun, you
know what I'm doing?
Working. Look, look.
* Everybody's got a little...
I'm not trying
to be unreasonable,
but I just
cannot take it.
Okay...
Baby, look,
I can't take it.
All right, I got you.
* Under the sun, under...
Just calm down.
I'll handle it.
After my mother convinced
my Uncle Louis to fly,
we headed to Port Authority,
the only place in New York
scarier than our neighborhood.
Okay, I want y'all to be
real careful in here.
This place is full of
pickpockets, pimps and...
and-and murderers and
child molesters and thieves.
That's the Port Authority
slogan.
Rochelle, don't scare 'em.
Too late.
Julius, this place
is full of hustlers
trying to prey
on innocent people.
She said the same thing
when we visited Washington, DC.
So that's why I decided
to divide our money
between me,
you and Chris.
You did?
Yeah. So just in case
somebody pickpockets one of us,
they won't get us all.
Well, where'd you put it?
(whispers):
It's in your shirt pocket.
Don't look
for it now!
Hey, there's the gate
right there.
Don't touch anything.
And don't make eye contact
with strangers.
(woman speaking indistinctly
over P.A.)
(over P.A.):
Please check the board
for updates.
MAN (over P.A.):
Two security guards
report to Gate 4.
Two security guards
report to...
This pocket doesn't open.
Oh, well,
I sewed the top closed,
and I left it open on the side.
Star Jones had that done
to her stomach.
Ma, I'm hungry.
Can we get a snack?
Are you nuts?
Have you seen the rats
in this place?
Let's just go home
and eat there.
Same rats, different borough.
Okay, okay, we'll get something
from the vending machines.
I'll go get the tickets.
All right, well, Chris,
get these bags together, okay?
We'll be right back.
Keep your eyes open.
And put the money
away, boy!
Come on.
TONYA:
Oh, Ma, TV seats!
Can we watch, please?
Okay, we got time
for one show,
and then we got
to go back.
Me first.
Well, let me get some change.
It's broken.
Well, didn't you see me
about to put money
in there?
Yeah.
Well, why didn't you
say something?
Ain't that how it goes.
Ma, this TV doesn't work.
Miss, my bus is leaving
for Fort Lauderdale soon.
You can have my seat then.
Thank you so much.
Eh, it's not a problem.
(laughs briefly)
Como esta, everybody?
Top o' the morning to you.
Top o' the day.
Wherever you think
you're going,
tiempo para jugar!
It's time to play.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I got three cards here.
You guys got courage?
You know what luck is?
Luck is opportunity
and preparedness
coming together as one.
And I'm prepared.
Are you?
Three simple cards-- you tell me
which one's it gonna be?
Can you find the jack?
It's all about this
jack, and if you pick
the right one out
of these three cards,
you can win some
money right now.
Come on, sir, I feel
your intensity over there.
"Hmm, I could win some money,
I could get my wife
a nice little present;
I could bring it on
the bus when I see her."
Come on. Here we go.
What you got for me?
You got to find
this jack. You ready?
It's all about what you see
and what you saw.
Where's the jack, sir?
Uh, ten bucks right here.
Right there, huh?
Let's turn that
over. Pa-pow!
(laughs)
Ten dollars.
This man's a winner, everybody.
This man's a winner, and
I over here am a giver.
There you go, sir--
lucky man, lucky man, indeed.
We're gonna start it
up and running again.
We're talking about...
the jack, where's the jack?
I'm pretty sure
it's out on the end.
What about you, man, you want
to jump in on this? Here we go.
Oh...!
Money, money goes around,
money, money,
can it be found?
Congratulations. We gonna
keep this dance going.
(several people talking)
Little man,
why don't you play?
Nah. I'm not allowed to gamble.
Aw, this ain't gambling.
This is easy. You
can handle this.
See these three
little cards?
I'll show you
what it's all about, see?
All you have to do
is see if you... can pick...
the right... card.
Where's the right card?
There.
Little man.
I'm on him.
What's up,
little man,
you want to put a
little money on that?
It would've been great to take
the quicker bus down South,
and even though
my mind said, "Don't do it,"
my mouth said...
$20.
WOMAN:
$20 on the young man.
All right. Why don't you
turn that card over.
Yeah!
I knew I wasn't supposed
to gamble,
but I was doing it
for a good cause,
(excited shouting)
and I was winning.
(whooping)
Oh, man!
Shuffle the cards
and where's the jack?
Turn it over, little
man. Turn it over.
(excited shouting)
Yeah! All right!
You cannot lose!
There you go-- the money is
being passed around, everybody.
Can you feel it?
There's a jack in here.
You need to tell me,
where is it?
$50.
I'll match you.
I'm there, I'm there.
WOMAN:
He has not lost.
You sure?
Hundred dollars
says you're wrong.
I don't have a hundred.
Whatcha got?
$80.
Throw it down.
(others oohing)
$80.
This was gonna be easy money.
Turn it over.
(others gasping)
WOMAN:
Oh, my Lord.
I got jacked
with a deck of cards.
* Everybody's got
a little light *
* Under the sun,
under the sun *
* Under the sun
(weird, deep voice):
* Oh, flashlight
Uncle Louis?
No, it's Bootsy Collins.
* Flashlight...
Come on, man, are you okay?
Yeah. I thought
you were flying to the funeral.
Oh, yeah, but the weather
was so bad that they
cancelled my flight,
so I decided to ride
the bus with you.
(chuckles)
Excuse you.
Sheesh!
Hey, where's the big man?
Oh, he's out
getting the tickets.
Oh, cool. Hey, can you
go find him and tell him
to get me one?
Yeah, but can you
watch the bags?
Absolutely. Oh, and
if you see your mom,
tell her I'm here.
I'll try to get the words out
while she's choking me.
* Now I lay me
down to sleep... *
As hard as my father worked
for his money,
I couldn't tell him
I got taken,
so I decided to get the money
back on my own...
by any means necessary.
Watch your bags
as you go to the bathroom.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
Watch your bags...
Hey. Come on now.
You know it's not yours.
Take a picture with a black kid.
What?
Warm your gloves.
Glove-warming.
Oh, no, terrible.
Oh, this is horrible.
What's he doing?
No rhythm.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I need five tickets;
two adults, three children
to Greenville, South Carolina
leaving at 8:30.
That bus is delayed.
I know, but whatever time
it's leaving
I'm still gonna need tickets.
Where are they?
Who?
The children. I can't sell you
children's tickets
unless I see the children.
Why not?
Because what if they're adults?
Lady, I am not running a scam.
I need to go to a funeral.
Sorry to hear that.
I still need to see the kids.
Ma'am, I've been waiting in line
almost an hour.
And you didn't have time
to go get the children.
Lady, I am buying bus tickets
to Greenville, South Carolina.
Now that has to be
the worst scam on Earth.
Now, if I am
that desperate
to get out of New York City,
you don't want me
hanging around,
especially around the time
you get off.
Is that a threat?
Let's just say it's a scenario.
Two adults, three kids.
That's $180.
They said it was $120.
That was our Underground
Railroad special.
It's been discontinued.
How much
are slave ship tickets?
Chris.
Get out of the way, huh?
Hey, Dad.
Who's watching our stuff?
Uncle Louis.
Uncle Louis is here?
What'd he do, get kicked off
the plane for singing?
No, his flight got canceled,
so he wants to ride with us.
He wants you
to buy him a ticket.
Buy him a ticket?
I don't have enough money
to buy our tickets.
How come? What happened?
Forget about it.
Just give me the money
your mother gave you.
Excuse me.
I'll be back in five years.
Oh, um, I don't have it.
What do you mean
you don't have it?
What happened to it?
The best thing
about having two parents
is that usually one of them
wants you to live.
But my father
could only help me
if I told the truth.
Three-card monte.
Chris, I'm gonna get
that money back.
Yo, here we go. Bang!
Had your eyes on the prize!
Jacks to be found,
I'm throwing the money down.
Money coming out
to the players.
You want to keep winning,
ring around the rosy.
You got to find the jack
and you're gonna win the crown.
Make your money stack
and find the jack.
Place your bets.
It's right there.
Are you sure?
Place your bets.
Positive.
I got $50 on it.
Oh. $100 says that you wrong.
Are you sure that's the card?
Yeah.
Here we go.
There you go.
Take a bat.
Show me where it's at.
(all groan)
Hmm-hmm-hmm.
Don't frown.
Don't frown.
This is the kind of experience
that brings a father and son
closer...
closer to death.
The only thing my father
hated more than losing money
was borrowing money.
Three-card monte?
Yeah, we thought
we had the jack.
Look, look, I'm sorry, bro.
I just don't have that much
on me right now.
Come on, man.
Uncle Morris taught you
how to drive.
Stick shift.
Sorry.
The rain had fallen,
butthe storm
was just about to hit.
Y'all acting like
somebody else died.
What happened?
ALL:
Oh, nothing!
Everything's all right,
you know.
(all clamoring)
I just want
a hug...
from Tonya!
Hey!
Yeah!
You're so funny.
Why y'all acting all suspicious?
I'm not acting suspicious.
I was over there,
but now here.
But we're cool.
Just having
some good times, you know?
Don't make me have
to get it out of you.
Okay, I played three-card monte
and I lost all the money
that you gave me to hold.
Then I tried to win it back
and I lost the rest
of the money.
I-I didn't do anything.
Gambling?!
How many times do I have
to tell y'all about gambling?
Quick, sing "Flashlight"!
* Flashlight...
(shrieks)
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Please do not leave luggage
unattended.
What are you doing here anyway?
Hey, does that mean we don't
have to go to the funeral?
No.
We're going.
Drew, do you still know
those kill moves?
Yeah.
If anybody tries
to touch your sister
or take our bags,
kill 'em.
You, you and you,
come with me.
Hey, Rachelle, maybe
you should think about this.
I thought about it.
Rachelle, this guy's
really good.
I don't want us
to lose any more money
than we already have.
He's good, huh?
Yeah, he's really good.
Or maybe you just suck.
Listen, when I was little,
my father taught me
all these scams.
Three-card monte
was his favorite.
Honey, when it comes
to three-card monte,
you cannot win
the game.
Why not?
Because I always know
where the card is.
But even if they pick
the right card,
I just keep raising the bet
till they get scared.
(laughs)
Oh, too bad!
But what if I pick
the wrong card?
Then I let you bet
everything you got.
Oh, tough break.
(laughs)
What if I don't want to play?
Nobody ever wants to play.
That's how come I got Rudy
and Debra over there.
They're shills.
Shills?
Well, they act like
they don't know each other.
So in order to get
the game started,
they best first.
So him and her?
Yeah. They're
the shills.
Here we go!
What if somebody bets
on the right card
and doesn't get scared
when you keep raising the bet?
Now, honey, this is a very
important lesson right here.
We run!
(laughs)
Okay, you guys, all we need
is one good bet.
What are we gonna bet?
We don't have any money.
You don't have any money.
Where'd you get all that?
Shouldn't I be saying that?
Sorry.
Where'd you get all that?
It's from my emergency fund.
If my father had ever thought
to say,
"Quick, who's got $200?
It's an emergency,"
she would have given it to him.
All right, you guys. Let's go.
You think
it's right there?
You think it's that
right there?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay, Julius,
you go over there.
Louis, you stay here.
If he try to run,
be ready.
Chris, you come with me.
Take my advice,
don't blink twice.
Pick that jack,
get your money back.
You, sir.
I saw it.
It's this one
right here.
You over there?
It's that one.
Little man back.
You got some
more money?
No.
But I do.
Who are you?
I'm his mother,
and I got $50 on that card.
I got a hundred
that says that you're wrong.
I got $200 that says I'm right.
Turn the card over, Mother.
No, wait.
Oh-oh-oh, wait!
Now we wanna wait.
I bet you want to run, too.
See,
that's my husband over there
and that's his brother
back there,
so you can run,
but you're not gonna get far.
You got to ask
yourself one question:
Is today your lucky day?
Doubt it,
punk.
Now give me my damn money back!
Hurry!
And the cards, too!
Give me the cards!
Just take it.
Come on, Chris.
We got back the money,
but there was still
one problem.
Hey, where is everybody?
The bus left.
What?
All you had to do
was watch the bags!
All I wanted was
some Southern hospitality,
but all I got was
Northern hostility.
Oh, y'all not hungry, right?
Yes, we are.
ALL:
Yeah!
Y'all hungry for this?!
(all exclaim)
Louis, this food
is incredible.
Well, I figured that since
we couldn't go down South,
I'd make us
a good Southern meal.
RACHELLE:
Nice.
Yeah, if Chris wasn't
so stupid, we could have gone.
Thanks, Chris.
Well, what
are we gonna do
with all that money we won?
We?
Did you hear your daddy? "We"?
We are gonna send Uncle Morris
some flowers
and the rest of that money
is going back
into my emergency fund. "We."
Mm-hmm!
Oh, my goodness.
Mm-mm-mm, goodness.
Southern pecan pie.
You know it's
my favorite, right?
Want a piece?
All right now.
Yeah.
You can have a piece.
All you got to do
is pick out the jack.
* Everybody hates Chris.
As much as I loved
growing up in Bed-Stuy,
the place I loved even more
was down South.
After segregation and before
the 2 Live Crew, down South
was good, and the weather
was always beautiful.
Hey, Mom, when are we
going down South again?
When the Klan breaks up.
I don't know, baby.
That'll be nice.
Hey, Ma.
Who's that?
Oh, that's your
Cousin Beanie!
You know what, she's
12, just like you.
Except Cousin Beanie's
not evil.
You know what,
maybe we should plan
a trip down South.
I don't like down South;
people act too country.
They're not acting.
Well, I wish
I could go.
Well, Drew and Tonya,
you guys get washed up.
We're about to eat.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, little man.
Hey, Uncle Louis!
Hey.
Hey.
Hi? Hello?
Uh-oh. What's wrong?
LOUIS:
I just found out
that Uncle Morris died.
Uncle Morris?
Yeah. He taught me how to drive.
Well, who was
Uncle Morris?
He's my mother's sister's
second husband.
A stick shift.
Oh, baby.
Well, when's the funeral?
Next week.
Down South.
Oh.
I don't think we can go.
Baby, what do you
mean, we can't go?
We can't afford to go.
You can't put a price tag
on family, Julius.
Yeah, but he'll give you
five dollars to shut up.
Louis is right.
Family is family, baby.
Family is family.
So we're going down South?
Yep.
Thanks, Uncle Morris.
* Ah, make it funky now.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
CHRIS ROCK:
Back at school, I tried
to bring Greg up to speed
on the new direction
of the South.
Down South?
You mean, like, across
the Mason-Dixon Line?
Yeah, you know, Georgia,
Alabama, Mississippi,
South Carolina.
Mississippi?
Are you trying
to get yourself killed?
You going to Mississippi
is like me going to,
hmm, I don't know,
Mississippi.
Man, it's not
like that anymore.
Yes, it is.
Anyway, I
want to go.
Down South, the
food is better.
The cops don't beat
the crap out of you,
and nobody's on crack.
That's because everybody's
on the porch.
Well, I'm sorry
about your uncle, man.
I'll see you
when you get back.
All right.
Before you could buy
plane tickets on the Internet,
the cheapest way to travel
was to take Greyhound.
How's it going?
Well, they've only got
two busses
that go to Greenville,
South Carolina.
The cheaper one goes
to Camden, Portsmouth,
Baltimore, Richmond,
Baltimore again,
Raleigh, Toledo, Gastonia...
Darryl Richardson's house,
What?
Boston,
the Crossroads, Atlanta,
then Greenville.
Well, does the other bus
make less stops? Oh!
Yeah, but it costs
almost $200 more.
Well, why don't we just drive?
I love a road trip.
What, are... you going with us?
(laughs):
Well, how else am I supposed
to get there, silly?
You want to...
(imitates air rushing)
* Superman!
(laughing)
Blink!
Yes, master.
(laughing)
Well, I-I just assumed
you'd be flying-- I mean...
you don't want to be
on no bus with us.
Are you kidding?
I love the bus!
(laughs)
Man, I get
to spend time
with my big brother
and his family,
see the sights,
meet new people,
and best of all,
sing-alongs.
Sing it with me.
* Now I lay me down
to sleep, bow! *
(Louis imitating electric bass)
* Whoo! I just can't
BOTH:
* Find the beat
* Flashlight, light
(imitating electric bass)
* Now, Neon light...
Take the bass part.
BOTH (deep voice):
* Neon light...
(laughter)
Um, uh, Julius, can you
come upstairs with me
for a second?
He can if Uncle Louis
isn't coming.
* La, da, da
(Louis continues humming,
imitating bass)
What is wrong with you?
Do you hear that?
* Everybody's got
a little light *
(falsetto):
* Under the sun,
under the sun... *
That's what's
wrong with me.
Look, I'm not gonna
spend 26 hours on a bus
with my brother.
I love him, but
he drives me nuts.
Baby, why? I mean,
he's always laughing
(musical squeaking)
and smiling
and in a good mood.
Exactly. And while
he's having fun, you
know what I'm doing?
Working. Look, look.
* Everybody's got a little...
I'm not trying
to be unreasonable,
but I just
cannot take it.
Okay...
Baby, look,
I can't take it.
All right, I got you.
* Under the sun, under...
Just calm down.
I'll handle it.
After my mother convinced
my Uncle Louis to fly,
we headed to Port Authority,
the only place in New York
scarier than our neighborhood.
Okay, I want y'all to be
real careful in here.
This place is full of
pickpockets, pimps and...
and-and murderers and
child molesters and thieves.
That's the Port Authority
slogan.
Rochelle, don't scare 'em.
Too late.
Julius, this place
is full of hustlers
trying to prey
on innocent people.
She said the same thing
when we visited Washington, DC.
So that's why I decided
to divide our money
between me,
you and Chris.
You did?
Yeah. So just in case
somebody pickpockets one of us,
they won't get us all.
Well, where'd you put it?
(whispers):
It's in your shirt pocket.
Don't look
for it now!
Hey, there's the gate
right there.
Don't touch anything.
And don't make eye contact
with strangers.
(woman speaking indistinctly
over P.A.)
(over P.A.):
Please check the board
for updates.
MAN (over P.A.):
Two security guards
report to Gate 4.
Two security guards
report to...
This pocket doesn't open.
Oh, well,
I sewed the top closed,
and I left it open on the side.
Star Jones had that done
to her stomach.
Ma, I'm hungry.
Can we get a snack?
Are you nuts?
Have you seen the rats
in this place?
Let's just go home
and eat there.
Same rats, different borough.
Okay, okay, we'll get something
from the vending machines.
I'll go get the tickets.
All right, well, Chris,
get these bags together, okay?
We'll be right back.
Keep your eyes open.
And put the money
away, boy!
Come on.
TONYA:
Oh, Ma, TV seats!
Can we watch, please?
Okay, we got time
for one show,
and then we got
to go back.
Me first.
Well, let me get some change.
It's broken.
Well, didn't you see me
about to put money
in there?
Yeah.
Well, why didn't you
say something?
Ain't that how it goes.
Ma, this TV doesn't work.
Miss, my bus is leaving
for Fort Lauderdale soon.
You can have my seat then.
Thank you so much.
Eh, it's not a problem.
(laughs briefly)
Como esta, everybody?
Top o' the morning to you.
Top o' the day.
Wherever you think
you're going,
tiempo para jugar!
It's time to play.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I got three cards here.
You guys got courage?
You know what luck is?
Luck is opportunity
and preparedness
coming together as one.
And I'm prepared.
Are you?
Three simple cards-- you tell me
which one's it gonna be?
Can you find the jack?
It's all about this
jack, and if you pick
the right one out
of these three cards,
you can win some
money right now.
Come on, sir, I feel
your intensity over there.
"Hmm, I could win some money,
I could get my wife
a nice little present;
I could bring it on
the bus when I see her."
Come on. Here we go.
What you got for me?
You got to find
this jack. You ready?
It's all about what you see
and what you saw.
Where's the jack, sir?
Uh, ten bucks right here.
Right there, huh?
Let's turn that
over. Pa-pow!
(laughs)
Ten dollars.
This man's a winner, everybody.
This man's a winner, and
I over here am a giver.
There you go, sir--
lucky man, lucky man, indeed.
We're gonna start it
up and running again.
We're talking about...
the jack, where's the jack?
I'm pretty sure
it's out on the end.
What about you, man, you want
to jump in on this? Here we go.
Oh...!
Money, money goes around,
money, money,
can it be found?
Congratulations. We gonna
keep this dance going.
(several people talking)
Little man,
why don't you play?
Nah. I'm not allowed to gamble.
Aw, this ain't gambling.
This is easy. You
can handle this.
See these three
little cards?
I'll show you
what it's all about, see?
All you have to do
is see if you... can pick...
the right... card.
Where's the right card?
There.
Little man.
I'm on him.
What's up,
little man,
you want to put a
little money on that?
It would've been great to take
the quicker bus down South,
and even though
my mind said, "Don't do it,"
my mouth said...
$20.
WOMAN:
$20 on the young man.
All right. Why don't you
turn that card over.
Yeah!
I knew I wasn't supposed
to gamble,
but I was doing it
for a good cause,
(excited shouting)
and I was winning.
(whooping)
Oh, man!
Shuffle the cards
and where's the jack?
Turn it over, little
man. Turn it over.
(excited shouting)
Yeah! All right!
You cannot lose!
There you go-- the money is
being passed around, everybody.
Can you feel it?
There's a jack in here.
You need to tell me,
where is it?
$50.
I'll match you.
I'm there, I'm there.
WOMAN:
He has not lost.
You sure?
Hundred dollars
says you're wrong.
I don't have a hundred.
Whatcha got?
$80.
Throw it down.
(others oohing)
$80.
This was gonna be easy money.
Turn it over.
(others gasping)
WOMAN:
Oh, my Lord.
I got jacked
with a deck of cards.
* Everybody's got
a little light *
* Under the sun,
under the sun *
* Under the sun
(weird, deep voice):
* Oh, flashlight
Uncle Louis?
No, it's Bootsy Collins.
* Flashlight...
Come on, man, are you okay?
Yeah. I thought
you were flying to the funeral.
Oh, yeah, but the weather
was so bad that they
cancelled my flight,
so I decided to ride
the bus with you.
(chuckles)
Excuse you.
Sheesh!
Hey, where's the big man?
Oh, he's out
getting the tickets.
Oh, cool. Hey, can you
go find him and tell him
to get me one?
Yeah, but can you
watch the bags?
Absolutely. Oh, and
if you see your mom,
tell her I'm here.
I'll try to get the words out
while she's choking me.
* Now I lay me
down to sleep... *
As hard as my father worked
for his money,
I couldn't tell him
I got taken,
so I decided to get the money
back on my own...
by any means necessary.
Watch your bags
as you go to the bathroom.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
Watch your bags...
Hey. Come on now.
You know it's not yours.
Take a picture with a black kid.
What?
Warm your gloves.
Glove-warming.
Oh, no, terrible.
Oh, this is horrible.
What's he doing?
No rhythm.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I need five tickets;
two adults, three children
to Greenville, South Carolina
leaving at 8:30.
That bus is delayed.
I know, but whatever time
it's leaving
I'm still gonna need tickets.
Where are they?
Who?
The children. I can't sell you
children's tickets
unless I see the children.
Why not?
Because what if they're adults?
Lady, I am not running a scam.
I need to go to a funeral.
Sorry to hear that.
I still need to see the kids.
Ma'am, I've been waiting in line
almost an hour.
And you didn't have time
to go get the children.
Lady, I am buying bus tickets
to Greenville, South Carolina.
Now that has to be
the worst scam on Earth.
Now, if I am
that desperate
to get out of New York City,
you don't want me
hanging around,
especially around the time
you get off.
Is that a threat?
Let's just say it's a scenario.
Two adults, three kids.
That's $180.
They said it was $120.
That was our Underground
Railroad special.
It's been discontinued.
How much
are slave ship tickets?
Chris.
Get out of the way, huh?
Hey, Dad.
Who's watching our stuff?
Uncle Louis.
Uncle Louis is here?
What'd he do, get kicked off
the plane for singing?
No, his flight got canceled,
so he wants to ride with us.
He wants you
to buy him a ticket.
Buy him a ticket?
I don't have enough money
to buy our tickets.
How come? What happened?
Forget about it.
Just give me the money
your mother gave you.
Excuse me.
I'll be back in five years.
Oh, um, I don't have it.
What do you mean
you don't have it?
What happened to it?
The best thing
about having two parents
is that usually one of them
wants you to live.
But my father
could only help me
if I told the truth.
Three-card monte.
Chris, I'm gonna get
that money back.
Yo, here we go. Bang!
Had your eyes on the prize!
Jacks to be found,
I'm throwing the money down.
Money coming out
to the players.
You want to keep winning,
ring around the rosy.
You got to find the jack
and you're gonna win the crown.
Make your money stack
and find the jack.
Place your bets.
It's right there.
Are you sure?
Place your bets.
Positive.
I got $50 on it.
Oh. $100 says that you wrong.
Are you sure that's the card?
Yeah.
Here we go.
There you go.
Take a bat.
Show me where it's at.
(all groan)
Hmm-hmm-hmm.
Don't frown.
Don't frown.
This is the kind of experience
that brings a father and son
closer...
closer to death.
The only thing my father
hated more than losing money
was borrowing money.
Three-card monte?
Yeah, we thought
we had the jack.
Look, look, I'm sorry, bro.
I just don't have that much
on me right now.
Come on, man.
Uncle Morris taught you
how to drive.
Stick shift.
Sorry.
The rain had fallen,
butthe storm
was just about to hit.
Y'all acting like
somebody else died.
What happened?
ALL:
Oh, nothing!
Everything's all right,
you know.
(all clamoring)
I just want
a hug...
from Tonya!
Hey!
Yeah!
You're so funny.
Why y'all acting all suspicious?
I'm not acting suspicious.
I was over there,
but now here.
But we're cool.
Just having
some good times, you know?
Don't make me have
to get it out of you.
Okay, I played three-card monte
and I lost all the money
that you gave me to hold.
Then I tried to win it back
and I lost the rest
of the money.
I-I didn't do anything.
Gambling?!
How many times do I have
to tell y'all about gambling?
Quick, sing "Flashlight"!
* Flashlight...
(shrieks)
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Please do not leave luggage
unattended.
What are you doing here anyway?
Hey, does that mean we don't
have to go to the funeral?
No.
We're going.
Drew, do you still know
those kill moves?
Yeah.
If anybody tries
to touch your sister
or take our bags,
kill 'em.
You, you and you,
come with me.
Hey, Rachelle, maybe
you should think about this.
I thought about it.
Rachelle, this guy's
really good.
I don't want us
to lose any more money
than we already have.
He's good, huh?
Yeah, he's really good.
Or maybe you just suck.
Listen, when I was little,
my father taught me
all these scams.
Three-card monte
was his favorite.
Honey, when it comes
to three-card monte,
you cannot win
the game.
Why not?
Because I always know
where the card is.
But even if they pick
the right card,
I just keep raising the bet
till they get scared.
(laughs)
Oh, too bad!
But what if I pick
the wrong card?
Then I let you bet
everything you got.
Oh, tough break.
(laughs)
What if I don't want to play?
Nobody ever wants to play.
That's how come I got Rudy
and Debra over there.
They're shills.
Shills?
Well, they act like
they don't know each other.
So in order to get
the game started,
they best first.
So him and her?
Yeah. They're
the shills.
Here we go!
What if somebody bets
on the right card
and doesn't get scared
when you keep raising the bet?
Now, honey, this is a very
important lesson right here.
We run!
(laughs)
Okay, you guys, all we need
is one good bet.
What are we gonna bet?
We don't have any money.
You don't have any money.
Where'd you get all that?
Shouldn't I be saying that?
Sorry.
Where'd you get all that?
It's from my emergency fund.
If my father had ever thought
to say,
"Quick, who's got $200?
It's an emergency,"
she would have given it to him.
All right, you guys. Let's go.
You think
it's right there?
You think it's that
right there?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay, Julius,
you go over there.
Louis, you stay here.
If he try to run,
be ready.
Chris, you come with me.
Take my advice,
don't blink twice.
Pick that jack,
get your money back.
You, sir.
I saw it.
It's this one
right here.
You over there?
It's that one.
Little man back.
You got some
more money?
No.
But I do.
Who are you?
I'm his mother,
and I got $50 on that card.
I got a hundred
that says that you're wrong.
I got $200 that says I'm right.
Turn the card over, Mother.
No, wait.
Oh-oh-oh, wait!
Now we wanna wait.
I bet you want to run, too.
See,
that's my husband over there
and that's his brother
back there,
so you can run,
but you're not gonna get far.
You got to ask
yourself one question:
Is today your lucky day?
Doubt it,
punk.
Now give me my damn money back!
Hurry!
And the cards, too!
Give me the cards!
Just take it.
Come on, Chris.
We got back the money,
but there was still
one problem.
Hey, where is everybody?
The bus left.
What?
All you had to do
was watch the bags!
All I wanted was
some Southern hospitality,
but all I got was
Northern hostility.
Oh, y'all not hungry, right?
Yes, we are.
ALL:
Yeah!
Y'all hungry for this?!
(all exclaim)
Louis, this food
is incredible.
Well, I figured that since
we couldn't go down South,
I'd make us
a good Southern meal.
RACHELLE:
Nice.
Yeah, if Chris wasn't
so stupid, we could have gone.
Thanks, Chris.
Well, what
are we gonna do
with all that money we won?
We?
Did you hear your daddy? "We"?
We are gonna send Uncle Morris
some flowers
and the rest of that money
is going back
into my emergency fund. "We."
Mm-hmm!
Oh, my goodness.
Mm-mm-mm, goodness.
Southern pecan pie.
You know it's
my favorite, right?
Want a piece?
All right now.
Yeah.
You can have a piece.
All you got to do
is pick out the jack.
* Everybody hates Chris.