Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 6 - Everybody Hates the Buddy System - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #028
"...the Buddy System"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
As class president,

I thought things
would change for me,

but I couldn't
have been more wrong.

(clears throat)

When you two are done,
see me in my office.

Who are you?

Mr. Edwards.
New principal.

You were fighting.

Why?

'Cause he hates
black people,



and I'm a
black person.

That's a lie.
I love Michael Jordan.

I think Gary Coleman
is hysterical.

And don't even get me
started about Billy Ocean.

"Caribbean Queen."

That's a very good song.

See?

Just because you
watch Soul Train

don't make you
Don Cornelius.

Mr. Edwards,
he has been picking on me

since the first day
I came to this school.

Is that true?

Yeah.

All right, Caruso, you can go.



What?

What?

Before coming to Corleone,

Principal Edwards
was on a self-imposed,

three-year vow of silence.

Keep your filthy hands
off of my school lunch program!

You get the hell out...!
(Edwards screaming)

Which he allegedly began

two minutes after
cursing like a madman

and knocking out the teeth
of his former boss.

Have you ever
considered the possibility

this is your fault?

That's what they said
to Rodney King.

My fault?

He's threatened by you, Chris.

Your very presence
makes him doubt

his ability

to succeed.

He always succeeds
in punching me in the face.

(laughs)

He's using you as
a manifestation of his angst.

Subsequently, he's trying
to quell his anxiety

by conquering you,

thereby conquering his fear.

By punching me in the face?

Exactly.

So you want me
to just let him do it?

Have you thought about trying
to see things

from his point
of view?

So you want me to punch him
in the face?

No.

Have you ever

seen the film
The Defiant Ones?

The Defiant Ones? No.

What's that?

Two men are shackled together

while trying
to escape from prison--

one white, one black,
one educated, one...

They learn they have to depend
on each other or perish.

That's what I'm going
to do for you.

You're going to chain us
together and put us in jail?

Yeah! Figuratively.

I'm taking some students
on a field trip tomorrow.

You and Caruso are going
to come along.

Have your mother sign this.

To help you
and Caruso

learn to depend on each other,

I'm going to employ
the buddy system.

The buddy system?

Chris, you and Caruso
are going to be buddies.

Just like the Crips
and the Bloods.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT
NETWORK TELEVISION

* Oh... make it funky now!

While I was preparing to see
Caruso in a whole new way,

Tonya was working
on a new look, too.

Mom...

can I borrow
your clip-on

hoop earrings?
No.

But all my friends
are wearing

pink shirts
and hoop earrings.

I'm not your
friends' mother.

I don't know, Mom.
Earrings may draw away

attention from her
big, old head.

You got a big head.

You're head-mo-knotty,

got more head than
you got body.

Your head so big, your
hat got two floors.

Your head so big, you
got to put on your
shirts feet first.

Your head so big,
it has a moon.

Eh, hey-- all right.

Enough now.

Tonya, why don't you
wear your flower earrings?

You're too young
for hoops, that's
women's jewelry.

And I'm not going
to have people

looking at my
daughter like that.

Like what?
Like this.

(fast club music playing)

You see the earrings
on that girl?

(laughing)

Everybody else has them.

Well, if everybody else
got a butt whooping,

would you want one, too?

JULIUS:
Hey.

Where's Chris?
ROCHELLE:
He left early.

He had to go on
a field trip.
Hey, Dad.

Check it out.
I got a hundred

on my spelling test.
All right.

My man!

I was thinking...

Could I get a hockey
jersey since I got

a hundred on my test?
You're supposed to get

a hundred, you don't get
a prize for doing well.

My father never
rewarded good behavior.

Dad, I cleaned out the tub.

You're supposed to clean
the tub, it's your dirt ring.

Hey, Dad. I fixed the heater.

You're supposed
to fix the heater.

You're the one
who likes it warm.

Hey, Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

You're supposed
to slaughter a pig.

You're the one that likes bacon.

Julius, it's just
a hockey jersey.

Mom, it's not just
a hockey jersey.

It's Wayne Gretzky.

He's the best player
in the league.

Gretzky, huh?

I'll think about it.

Okay, time to go to school.

ROCHELLE:
Tonya?

Coming.

Geez, Caruso?

Why didn't he just
kick you into traffic?

I don't know.

But I'm going to give it a shot.

I mean, it can't get any worse.

That's what people said
while they were

boarding the Amistad.
So who's your buddy?

Hey, Greg, you ready?

Sure am.
I'll be right there.

You got a girl?

Not just a girl, but a
girl who's interested

in the evolution
of species.

I am so in there.

Come on, Bubbles.

Right now, I'd feel safer
at the Neverland Ranch.

* Risky. *
Hey, Julius.

You want some
tap shoes?

Tap shoes?

Yeah. I got men's.

I got women's and
children's, huh?

You get your whole
family some tap shoes.

My father always thought
if you wore tap shoes,

you had to tap dance.

We're friends of
the deceased.
Oh, right this way.

(shoes tapping)

You can't make
no money tap dancing.

What I really need
is a hockey jersey for Drew.

Wayne Gretzky.

Hockey? What kind
of kids you raising?

Do you have one
or not?

All right, all right.

Hockey, uh...

I'm sorry, I-I don't
have anything,

but if I find something,
I'll let you know.

All right, brother.

All right. Okay.
Take care.

Hockey? Them kids in trouble.

My father was dealing
with the bad news

while my mother
was getting great news.

What?

The guy I'm seeing
has kidney stones!

Vanessa, that's good news?

We got tickets
to see Patti LaBelle.
Uh-huh.

And he can't go!

Listening to Patti LaBelle

could make my mother feel good,
no matter what.

Come on, pepito.

I told you, man,
I didn't do it.

¿Cual es tu último voluntad?

Can you play "New Attitude"?

Yes! Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait.

I gotta figure out
what I'm gonna wear.

Me, too. Oh, girl,
I'll see you later.

Wh-wh-wh...
Ooh.

Wear that blue dress.
I like you in the blue dress.

Yeah, girl.

Patti. Patti. Patti.

* I'm in control,
my worries are few *

* Know where I'm going,
and I know what to do *

* Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

* I've got a...

Oww. * New attitude.

EDWARDS:
All right, class, listen up.

I reiterate: we are
on the buddy system today.

So, you are responsible
for your buddy.

No matter what happens,
stay together.

We have about two hours,

so you have plenty of time
to see all the exhibits.

Is he kidding?

You can come here
every weekend for years

and still barely
scratch the surface.

After 20 years,
Greg still hasn't

made it out
of the bone exhibit.

Now remember...

...the only way you're
going to get along

with Caruso is if
you understand

why he hates you.

He needs your help.

But if I'm helping him,
who's gonna help me?

You're helping yourself.

Spoken like a true white man.

CHRIS:
Come on, man,
we've gotta go

before the bus
leaves us.

Listen, Bohannon, relax.

The bus isn't going
to leave without us.

The whole class
is waiting on us.

I thought you people
were used to being late.

Come on, man,
we've got to go.

All you've been doing
since we got here is
complaining.

Well, I haven't
really seen anything.

All I've seen
is you eating

in the cafeteria
for over an hour.

All right, you know what?

I'm sorry. I'll just
be another minute.

Really?
Maybe Principal Edwards
was right.

Caruso might make a change.

Yeah, just do me
a favor, hold this.

Now, go wait
by the door.
Okay.

WOMAN (over radio):
Tim, do you need
cashier help or security?

The buddy system
was failing miserably,

but the black decoy
system was working great.

(woman on radio talks
indistinctly)

Usually Greg would've
noticed if I was gone,

but if you put a girl
in front of him,

he didn't see anything else.

Hurry up, I want
to get on this bus.

Don't worry, I'm sure
they saved you a
spot in the back.

Which one's ours?

(engine revs)

I think it's that one.

I think I should've been
buddies with the bus driver.

CARUSO:
How come you didn't tell me
the bus was leaving?

When I said "Let's hurry up
before the bus leaves us,"

what bus did you think
I was talking about?

Sorry, I couldn't understand
all your crazy jive talk.

Okay, we can catch
the next train,

and we'll be back in no time.

I spent all my
money on food.

Okay, fine, I think
I have enough money

to get two tokens.
So let's go.

Who put you in charge?

I'm just trying to get
us back to school.

Just let me make
the decisions.

Why should I do that?

How many times do
I have to punch you
before you get a clue?

Don't you watch the movies?

Gene Wilder made all the
decisions in Silver Streak.

Richard Pryor
just followed orders.

So... what do
you want to do?

Let's take the next train.

To get back to Brooklyn,

it felt like we went around
the entire city.

We went through Chinatown...

The meatpacking district...

We even went through
theatre district.

The only place
we didn't go through

was our school district.

While me and Caruso were lost,

Tonya was trying
not to get found out.

Where are you going?

I'm going to see
Patti LaBelle.

How do I look?

You look like one of those
ladies from those old movies.

Who asked you?

Well, I think
you look better

in the brown skirt,
the beige stripped shirt.

Brush your hair back

and put on
your gold hoop earrings.

He's good.

Oh, and can I get some
potato chips before dinner?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Tonya knew she was
going to be caught.

Just didn't know when.

Did you take my earrings?

What earrings?

Okay, here's how this
works, Tonya.

You can keep lying, or you can
tell me you took my earrings.

You decide.

You promise you won't yell?

I won't yell.

I took you earrings...

and I lost one.

(yelling):
Didn't I tell you not
to touch my earrings?!

You promised you wouldn't yell.

I've been falling for that one
for years.

Do you know how valuable
those earrings were, Tonya?!

Huh?!

Whenever my mother was ready
to kill one of us,

she'd always count down
from five.

Five...

* Huh!

...four...

(yell)

...three...

(grunts)

...two...

* Uh!

...one.

That's it.

I'm going to let your
father handle this.

After taking a tour
of the city,

I decided it was time
to take charge.

Where are
you going?

I'm going
to call my mother.

I'm making the decisions
around here.
Not for me.

You can do whatever you feel

like doing,
but I'm calling my mother.

Well, give me a quarter,
too. I'll call my mom.

No. I only have
one quarter.

Ah, don't
worry about it.

I'll have my mother
call your mother.

(phone tinkles)

Mom. Yeah,
it's Joey.

All right, if the
school calls and
says I'm lost,

I'm not.

Nah, I'm okay.

I'm with Chris.

Yeah, the black one.

Strange realizing

that Caruso had a loving family
at home.

A loving racist family.

All right.
Love you. Bye.

Hey, you were supposed
to tell her to call my mom.

Forgot. Sorry.

Why don't you call collect?

That's what the guys
in prison do.

Move!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

WOMAN:
I have a collect call from...

Ooh! Ooh.

My dad couldn't always
give us what we wanted,

but he would always
do his best.

Hey, Dad.
I'm really proud of you for
getting 100 on that test,

so here you go.

Yeah!

(both laugh)
Wow.

Huh?! What do you think?

Drew thought
about saying this...

Gritsky?

It's not Gritsky.

It's Gretzky with an "E"!

I scored 100
on my spelling test.

I can't wear this!

You got that big old head,
and you can't even spell

Gretzky.

Maybe you should take
my spelling classes.

I ain't wearing this.

But if he did,
here's what would've happened.

What's the story?

Apparently,
the kid loves hockey.

Father brings home a jersey
that says Gritsky with an "I"

instead of Gretzky with an "E."

Son mouths off,
dad loses it,

shoves the jersey
down the kid's throat.

Is that the jersey?

It's all we
could find.

Good thing he didn't
ask for skates.

So?

It's cool.

Thanks, Dad.
Oh.

The next year,
Drew got a Yankees jersey

that said Mezzie Mackson.

You better talk
to your daughter
before I kill her.

Why? What happened?

Go ask her.

All that could save Tonya
was a sad look.

What's going on?

Mom's really mad at me.

(sighs)

Tell me what happened.

I just wanted to wear
earrings like my friends,

so I took Mom's
gold hoops,

and I lost one.

Oh, Tonya.

Do you think maybe I could
save up and buy another pair?

It's not about the money, Tonya.

I gave your mother
those earrings.

You can't replace them.

What are you going to do?

My father could've
spanked Tonya,

or grounded her
until she was grown,

but he said something

that made her feel worse
than all of that.

I'm really disappointed
in you.

Father, I have brought
disgrace to myself

and to our family.

Tonya, no!

Leave me now, Father.

I must whup myself

until you can find it
in your heart to forgive me.

I'm sorry.

Did you tell your mother that?

Will you come with me?

Did I take the earrings?

Good luck.

Are you sure
we're on the right train?

You're in charge.
You tell me.

Look, nobody told you to wait
for me in the first place.

We're on the buddy
system, which means

I'm supposed
to stay with you
no matter what.

You think I
want to be here?

Shoot, if I had done
what I wanted to do,

you'd be sitting
here by yourself.

Well, go then.

Fine.

(indistinct male voice
over intercom)

So long, Caruso.

Enjoy talking civil rights
with your new friends.

Even though Caruso had gotten
on my last nerve,

I was afraid
I might be his last chance.

(indistinct male voice
over intercom)

So, you take that
to Brooklyn Beach stop,

and you're right there,
all right?

Hey.

How'd you get
here before me?

I took the express train.

This is the local train.

Hey, man,

why'd you leave your
boy out here like that?

We could've hurt him.

I came back to get him.

What you want
me to do?

Nah.

Leave him alone.

If he gets hurt,
I think it effects my grade.

Hey, man, in the
buddy system,

you never leave
your buddy.

No matter what.

You understand?

Yeah.
Good.

Now give me your wallet.

I don't have any money in it.

Did I ask you
all of that?

I guess this is what
Martin Luther King fought for--

black and white bullies side
by side ready to kick my ass.

Hey... hold
on to that.

What now?

Well, we switch platforms
and then head back downtown.

All right, let's go.
Oh, wait.

So you really
came back for me?

Yeah. Why?

Because I would
have left you.

For real?
Yeah, man.
You're dumb.

Those guys could
have killed you.

All right. All right,
you done?

Yeah.

Let's go home, Muddy.

Look, I don't know what
you have against me.

Hey, I don't
even know you.

So, I was wondering maybe...

You know, maybe
we can be cool.

You don't even
have to like me.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Tell you what.
What?

If you can run faster
than I can throw,

I won't hit you
with this battery.

(yelling)

* Why can't we be friends?

* Why can't we be friends?

Hey, man, where
have you been?

We missed the bus.

Was anyone looking for us?

No.

So, how are things going
with you and Jennifer?

It was going great until
we got into a debate

about whether humans or climatic
change caused the demise

of the Pleistocene megafauna.

Idiot!

* I really 'membered you,
when you drink my wine... *

It didn't
end well.

Same as Bobby and Whitney.

* Why can't we be friends?

So how did it go?

Huh?

Oh, the buddy system?

Oh, it was all right.

Really?

Even after I left
you at the museum.

* I seen you walkin' down
in Chinatown... *
Wait.

You left me and Caruso
alone on purpose?

* I called you but
you could not look around... *

You can't do that.
I mean, we're kids.

Anything could've happened.

I had my eyes on
you the whole time.

What?

That's right.

From Chinatown through the
Bronx down through Harlem.

Oh. Here's your wallet.

* I bring my money
to the welfare line... *

Okay, I-I really
don't understand.

What was the point?

Caruso still hates me.

What about you?

Did you learn
anything today?

Well, I learned that
Caruso didn't like me yesterday,

he doesn't like me today,

and he's not going
to like me tomorrow.

Yes, all that's true.

But you're forgetting

you learned something else
today much more important.

What?

You learned that
I was wrong.

* Everybody hates Chris.