Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 5 - Everybody Hates Malvo - full transcript

When Chris is robbed at work by the neighborhood's well-known criminal Malvo, he is scared to tell Doc who robbed the place. Julius gets a Betamax and is upset when Tonya accidentally tapes over Julius' stories.

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #027
"Everybody Hates Malvo"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
Working at Doc's Corner Store
was pretty easy.

I stocked shelves...

I delivered groceries...

Now, hurry up, Chris, and
don't let her ice cream melt.

...I even made pickled eggs.

About the only job
Doc never let me do

was work the register.

Chris, listen here,

I have to go and
do something.

I'm going to have to leave
for about half an hour.



Okay, I'll help you lock up.

No, we're not
locking up.

I want you
to stay here.

You think you can handle
the register while I'm gone?

For real?!
Where are you going?
(cash register bell dings)

Got to go to the bank.

Since Doc didn't leave the
store during business hours,

he never got to go to the bank.

I never knew
where he kept his money.

That will be
a deposit.

That mattress was his wallet.

* Oh, money, money,
money, money... *

I won't be gone long.

Don't take any bills over $20,



and count your change out loud.

Lick your fingers, make sure
your bills don't stick.

There's a bamboo stick
under the counter

in case anybody give you
any trouble.

Like who? A panda?

Bam!

Boo!

Got it?

Got it.

* He said, "Money's
too tight to mention" *

* Oh, money, money,
money, money... *

Can I help you?
* Money's too tight
to mention... *

Yeah. Give me the money!

Now!

Malvo was the neighborhood's
repeat offender.

He always committed crimes.

(alarm beeping)

Yeah, Shorty,
that's real argyle.

He always got caught.

Oh, Malvo!

This is the police.

(woman screaming)

(policemen shouting)

And he always got out.

See you next
time, Malvo.
All right.

When Shawshank Redemption
came out,

Malvo thought it was a comedy.

Boy, hurry up!

Okay, okay, okay.

Just don't shoot me.

Come on, man.

Hmm.

You ever notice how hard it is
to think when you're terrified?

Boy, you don't even
want to do that.
He's right.

$12? That's all
y'all got in there?

Doc just went to the bank.

Next time, y'all better have
more than $12 in there.

I'm not playing, man.

He's not even finished
robbing me this time,

he's already planning
on the next time.

Give me that,
and you better not tell nobody

you just got robbed by Malvo.

I'm also not telling anybody
what I just did in my pants.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS Paramount
Network Television

DOC:
I knew it,
I knew it!

I knew I shouldn't
have left it.

22 years.

I've never left
that register alone

with anybody else, yeah.

Since the store opened.

And the one day I do,

I get robbed.

I'm sorry, Doc.
I was gonna hit him

with the bamboo stick,
but he took it.

Chris, look, it's not
your fault. He had a gun.

I'd much rather you
get robbed than shot.

My pickled eggs.

He took my pickled eggs!

Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Can I talk to you
a minute, son?

Can you give me
a description of the guy?

Yeah. He's the kind of guy
that kills you

if you describe him
to the police.

What did he look like?

I was pretty scared.

I don't really remember much.

Do you remember anything?

What color clothing he had on?

Was he tall?
Short.

Thin?
Fat.

Dark?
Light.

Thanks.

If we get any leads,
we'll let you know.

Yeah, considering
I just described Mini Me.

You want me
to walk you home?

No, I'm okay.

(dance music plays on TV)

Before people had TVs
in every room,

families had to watch
television

the old-fashioned way--
by taking turns.

(dance music plays,
announcer speaks)

(dance music plays,
announcer speaks)

Stop!

* Get down,
come on, get down... *

(dance music continues playing)

(sighs)

(chuckles)
(announcer on TV)

Mama, Drew keeps
changing the channel.

I told her I was gonna
let her watch it right after

I got the hockey scores.

Look, I don't care
what y'all are watching,

long as y'all are done when Sue
Simmons comes on Live at Five.

That all changed
when my father brought home

the greatest technological
innovation we had ever seen.

Hey, everybody.
Hey.

I got a surprise.

A Betamax!

Didn't they stop making those?

They sure did. That's how
I got it for half off.

The only time my father ever
brought something new home

was when it was old
to everybody else.

I asked for a sewing machine.

What the hell is this?

A loom.

What is that?

JULIUS:
A stove.

Well, if that's a stove,
where's the witch?

I asked for a car.

What the hell is this?

A rickshaw.

That's Rick.

I wanted to tell my parents
that I got robbed,

but I didn't want them
to worry.

What's going on?

Dad got a Betamax.

Julius, what are we supposed
to do without the tapes?

I got a bunch
of blank tapes with it.

They were practically
giving it away.

Probably throwing
them away.

I'm gonna record
Billy Ocean videos.

And I'm going
to record Knight Rider.

And what are you going
to record, baby?

The 700 Club, so I can pray
not to get robbed again.

I don't know, maybe Rocky.

JULIUS:
Y'all can do
whatever y'all want

as long as
I can record my stories.

Now my father could catch up
on his sleep

and The Young
and the Restless.

Let me see a tape.

(laughs)

Hey, Chris,

I brought you some old movies
we had left over.

I've got Sharkey'sMachine
and Young Frankenstein.

What's that?
It's a Mel Brooks movie.

It's hilarious.

Thanks.
No problem.

We were using them
as doorstops.

You okay?

Let me ask
you a question.

What would you do
if somebody robbed you,

and you could identify them,
but you were afraid to?

You got robbed?

At the store.

This guy named Malvo.

He scared me to death.

You know, there was
a similar situation

in Sharkey's Machine.

Burt Reynolds got ripped off,

but he didn't want
to go to the cops.

What did he do?

He killed all the bad guys.

Any other suggestions?

Why don't you just go
tell Doc who this guy is

and let him deal with it?

'Cause he'll kill me.

This guy is so bad,
he broke into prison.

Sorry man, I don't know
what to tell you.

Can you do me a favor?
What?

Please don't tell anybody that
you talked to me about this.

I don't want
the guy after me, too.

* Ooh, shake it up...

Hey, Bosco, I heard
you got a Betamax.

Yeah. So?

I've got a movie
for you, a comedy.

Birth of a Nation?

It's a classic.
Hilarious. You'll love it.

Couldn't be any worse
than Soul Plane.

Here we go.

That's four cameras.

Between that and
these stickers,

a thief will stop
and think twice.

It'd make Malvo stop and think
about stealing the cameras.

Now, come on, let's
finish up these sketches.

Yeah. So how did you learn
how to do this anyway?

I started painting
nude portraits to meet chicks.

Then...

(chuckles):
...I got good at it.

A little darker
under the eyes.

Okay. Now, is that him?

Yeah, that's him.

Chris, that's Al Jarreau.

Now, come on now,
you got to focus.

Every time we do this,
it comes out different.

Now, first time,
this one look like...

Yeah, ain't that look like
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

And that's George Jefferson.

And ain't that
Lionel Richie?

Come on, Chris.

Look, let's just
start over.

It was getting hard
to think of more people

that didn't look like Malvo,
so I thought maybe it was time

I just told Doc the truth.

Hey, Hey, Malvo!
Hey, Doc.

Uh.

They-They let
you out again?

Yeah. I got time off
for good behavior.

That's like letting the devil
out of hell.

DOC:
You keeping out
of trouble?

I'm trying to.

Man, I heard y'all got robbed.

Yeah, and that fool got $12
and my pickled eggs.

Now, who steals pickled eggs?

So, who's this?

DOC:
See, that's my
helper, Chris.

Hmm.
Chris, say
hi to Malvo.

Hi.

Hi.

Yeah, he was here
when it happened.

He's helping me out with
a sketch of the guy who did it.

Oh, yeah?

Chris saw
who did it, huh?

Let me see that.

Here, this is the latest.

Ain't this Al Jarreau?

I know his record sales is down,

but I don't think
he'd be robbing no store.

I didn't really get
a good look at the guy.

You must have been
scared, huh?

Yeah, you can say that again.

Well, I'll let y'all know
if I hear anything,

'cause, you know,
I'm in them streets.

Yeah, but you-you need anything?

No, Doc.
I like them cameras, man.

They work?

Yeah.

Well, I'll see you later, Chris.

DOC:
Yeah, I got 'em hooked up.

Got four here,
and, uh...

and we're thinking about
putting two in the...

I wish Burt Reynolds was here.

While I was hoping
I'd never see Malvo again,

my father couldn't wait to see

The Young and the Restless
again.

Here we go.

TV ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned for
The Young and The Restless.

(animated voices on TV)

What? Cartoons?

Who recorded cartoons over my
Young and the Restless?

I bought a Betamax
so everybody could enjoy it.

I said you can tape
anything you want,

all I want is one thing--
tape my stories.

That's all.

And I don't even get that?

From now on, if the red light
is on that Betamax,

don't you touch it.

You hear me?

Yes, Daddy.

(door slams)
Uh-oh.

What?

(mocking):
I'm just trying
to tape my stories.

Blah, blah, blah.

Julius, she's 11.

She made a mistake.

So, what? Now I can't get mad?

You get mad all the time.

Exactly,
but everybody is used to it.

If I did half the things
I threatened to do,

don't you think I would've been
in jail a long time ago?

What are you in for?

Knocking my kid's nostrils off.

You need to apologize.

For what?
I didn't tape over her show.

You are acting like a child.

I am not.
Are, too.

Am not.
You are, too.

You can't jump to her defense
when she's wrong.

If she was right,
I'd understand.

(sighs):
Julius, that is not
what I'm trying to say.

Then what are you trying to say?

Well, if you don't know,
then forget it.

Whoa, whoa, wait...
you-you can't be mad.

I'm supposed to be mad.

Rochelle.
(door slams)

No...
Mama wins again.

CHRIS:
No.

No.

Anybody?
No.

I couldn't pick out a mug shot

because I didn't want
to get shot.

We'll do another canvas.

I'll let you know
if we find anything.

No, they won't.

Chris...

Chris, stop sweeping.

We need to talk
right now.

What's wrong?

We went through a whole mug shot
book with that officer,

and you couldn't find anybody
who even looked like the guy.

Maybe he's not in the book.

Would you tell
me if he was?

Yeah.

Chris, are you lying to me?

No. Why would I need to lie?

I don't know.

But every time
I ask you a question,

you're looking east and west
like you're waiting for a train.

Now, Chris, if
you're in trouble,

it's okay to
ask for help.

I'm not in trouble.

Then can you look me in the eye

and tell me you don't know
who robbed my store?

If I lied again,
Doc would never trust me.

No.

Okay.

It's okay?

No.

You're fired, Chris.

The truth shall set you free
all right...

free to find another job.

(sighs):
I got fired.

Why, 'cause
you got robbed?

'Cause I didn't tell
who robbed me.

Well, who robbed you?

I'm not gonna tell.

Oh...

Man, you lost your job.

Wait till Dad finds out.

All he's been doing lately
is bragging about you working.

I mean, he was so happy.

He's going to be sad now.

I'll bet he was telling
everybody at his job

how proud he was of you.

He's going
to be so embarrassed.

He'll never be able
to live that down.

I mean, you lost
your first job.

I mean,
I can't believe it.

Just glad it wasn't me.

Thank you. A lot.

It wasn't going to be easy

telling my father
I'd lost my first job.

He was still working
on the first job he ever had.

Thanks, Julius.

See you later, Miss Wilson.
(bike bell ringing)

Hey, Dad.

My man.

How's work going?

Well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

You know I proud of you
for keeping that job, son.

It took a lot of courage for you
to walk back in that store.

Thanks.

Do they sell Soap Opera Digest
at your job?

Yeah.

When you go to work tomorrow,
pick me up a copy.

Is there something else
you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh, no, it's all right.
Forget about it.

Okay.
My father being proud of me

meant more than anything,
except being shot by Malvo.

I figured it'd be easier
to take a beating from Mavlo

than to tell my dad
I'd lost my job.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

I don't know if you
can, but you may.

While in prison, Malvo got a
PhD in Comparative Literature.

I-I was wondering
if you could,

just, you know, out of
the kindness of your heart,

return the stuff
that you stole from Doc's?

(chuckles)

(laughing)

He laughed like
he was watching The Jeffersons,

with the original Lionel.

(laughing)

Forget it.

No, no, wait, kid.

Wait, wait, come here.

Man, you funny, man.

You-you should be a comedian
when you grow up, kid.

That was funny, man.

Get over here, boy.

(grunting)

Man, what are you doing?!

You got a wire on, boy?

A what? No.

My bad, man.

Look-look, man,
let-let me explain

some basic economic
theory to you, all right?

In life, there are
people who make things,

and then there are other
people who take things.

I would be a taker.

But, I also can be a breaker.

But never, ever a faker.

You follow me?

Not really.

Okay, well, let me explain
another economic theory:

the stuff that I stole is mine.

Beat it.

But you funny though, kid.

You funny.

Give it back. (laughing)

Back at home, my father
was done being mad at Tonya,

but she had just started
getting mad at him.

You want
some ice cream?

No.

You want some
ice cream, baby?

Yes, Mama.

My father knew he had
to do something

or this would go on forever.

(monitor beeps steadily)
Tonya, can you plug in my heart?

No. And if you axe me again,

I'm gonna turn off
your stories.

You smell ice cream?

Baby?

Say you're sorry.

What for?
I didn't do nothing to her.

It's not what you did,
it's how you did it.

Julius, since day one,
she's been your little princess,

and all of a sudden
you're screaming at her?

I didn't scream.

Julius, as big as you are--

you weren't even talking to me
and I was scared.

The one thing I learned about
women from my father is,

even when you're right,
you're wrong.

Uh, Doc?

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

I don't know if you can,
but you may.

I'm sorry for not telling you
who robbed the store.

I was scared.

And you're not scared now?

I want my job back.

So who was it then?

It was Malvo.

Malvo?
Man, would you be quiet?

Come inside, boy.

Now why didn't you say so?

Because he showed
his gun to me

and he threatened
to kill me.

Exactly my point.

That Malvo is crazier
than three dogs with rabies.

Don't worry, you can
have your job back.

What are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

Tonya?

Listen...

the other day, I didn't
mean to holler at you.

I was upset.

I was looking forward
to seeing my stories.

I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings,

but my feelings
were hurt, too.

I didn't mean to do it.

I didn't mean to yell at you.

I didn't mean to do
a lot of things,

but that never
stopped my father

from smacking me
upside the head.

I'm sorry.

Me, too.

Why do you watch soap operas
anyway?

What?

Isn't daytime TV for women?

Um...

We'll talk about that
another time.

All right?

Okay.

Since there were no witnesses
to the crime,

the only way to catch Malvo
was to catch him in the act.

You ready?

Um, I don't
know about this.

Listen, look,
don't worry about nothing.

I'll be right here.

If he tries anything,

hit him with this bag
of quarters.

Yo, Chris.

Doc go to the bank again?

No, he doesn't go
till tomorrow.

Is he here?

CHRIS:
No.

So...

the money is here and he gone?

Right.

Then you need to give up
the money to Malvo.

Freeze!

Don't move.

(sirens wailing)

You set me up, boy.

(sirens wailing,
tires screeching)

(Malvo yelling, dog barking)

(barking)

Hold it right there.

(dog continues barking)

That's right,
I'm the bad guy.

Man, you didn't
even have a real gun?

It's hard to rob a gun store,
man, they got guns.

MALVO:
It's a catch-22 for Malvo.

OFFICER:
Read him his rights.

Hey, where you going
with my quarters?

It's evidence, now.

Stand back, sir.

Doc never did get
his quarters back.

Later that year,
the Bed-Stuy police department

won a video game tournament.

(cheering)

(talking excitedly)

We're number one!

(cheering)

Oh, thanks, Chris.

You know, you did a good job.

No problem.

Being scared cost me my job,
my father's admiration

and that was too high
of a price for me.

So, I learned
right then and there

that when you're in trouble,

don't be afraid
to ask for help.

Chris.

When I get out,

I'm coming after you.

Y-O-O.

(siren wailing)

(screaming):
Help...!