Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 7 - Everybody Hates Promises - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #029
"Everybody Hates Promises"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was elected president
of Corleone,

my school was way ahead
of its time.

The rest of the country

didn't get a black president
until Clinton.

Like all presidents,
I had made campaign promises

that were going
to be hard to keep.

I promise you no more
rope-climbing in gym

unless your favorite sport
is climbing rope.
(applause and cheering)

I promise no more homework
on Saturday

unless you got to be
in school on Sunday.



I promise all our book reports
will be on books

that were made into movies.

I promise you rubber floors,

so that when the bully
knocks you down,

you'll bounce right back up.

We've got spring break,
we've got summer break.

What about a fall break
and a winter break?

I don't want to come to school
when it's hot,

so why would I want to come
to school when it's cold?

CROWD:
Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris!

To win my office,

I told them everything
they wanted to hear.

There was only one problem.

They listened.



You promised
you'd take us to a Knicks game.

You promised
I'd get a new locker.

You promised I'd get a raise!

You promised I'd get a shave.

You promised we'd get
some real meat.

Usted me prometí
de enseñarme ingles.

What are you going
to do about it?

I had no idea
what I was going to do.

So I did what
all great leaders do.

I'll get right on it.

I promise.

* Oh... make it funky now!

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT
NETWORK TELEVISION

CHRIS:
My new promise
to keep my old promises

was seen as very unpromising.

Hey, Greg!

"Hey, Greg"? Did you
see the school paper?

We have a school paper?

Bush wasn't the first president
who didn't read the paper.

What did I lie about?

Apparently you lied
about everything.

The last true thing I said was,

"My name is Chris and I'm
running for president."

I didn't mean any
of that stuff.

Caruso stole my speech.
He's no better than me.

Yeah, but he didn't win.

Now you're stuck with all
those campaign promises.

All presidents lie
to get elected.

What do they do?

Distraction. They just force
the press to cover

other, more benign issues,

until the public loses
interest in the story.

Maybe we should ignore the
problem till it goes away.

I was thinking more like
setting the cafeteria on fire,

but we'll try it
your way first.

(knocking at door)

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Uncle Mike.

Hi.
While I was looking for help,

my Uncle Michael
was looking for a free meal.

Big man!

Hey, Uncle Mike.

Hey, I didn't know y'all
was having dinner.

Why would you?
It's only dinnertime.

My Uncle Michael
didn't have a job,

so he was always
free to stop by

and free to eat some free food.

I didn't know y'all
was having breakfast.

I didn't know
y'all was having lunch.

I didn't know y'all
was having pancakes.

We're in a pancake house.

My father and Michael
didn't get along

because whatever
my father said,

my uncle said the opposite.

I like the Ford.

I like the Chevy.

I want to go
see Picasso.

I want to go
see Matisse.

Mmm.

Tastes great.

Less filling.

ROCHELLE:
Uh... Chris,

why don't you get
your uncle a plate?

Mama, can you teach me how
to double Dutch?

You don't know how
to double Dutch?

It's easy.

If it's so easy,
why don't you teach her?

That's a girl game.

How do you know to
double Dutch anyway?

I don't know. Just do.

So are you gonna teach me?

No.

Yeah.

MICHAEL:
So, Chris,

what's up with you?

Well, I was voted

eighth grade class president.

Uh-oh! Just like
Jesse Jackson.

Ronald Reagan is the president.

Jesse Jackson's just a resident.

You might like Reagan,
but he don't like you.

I like my nephew.

Black president.

Way to go, yo.

Uncle Michael had finished
dinner, but he wasn't finished.

That was good, 'Chelle.

Oh, thanks. How's Momma?

She threw me out.

Threw you out?!

Well, what happened?

You know how Momma always
give you half of something.

Well, there was a piece of
cake in the refrigerator.

So I ate the whole thing.

Next thing I know,
she just started tripping.

Talk about,
"You eat up everything.

You need to get a job
and buy your own cake."

You believe that?

Yes.
Momma been tripping
since Daddy died.

Well, where are you staying?

I was wondering if
I could stay here

with you a couple days.

Oh, I don't know, Michael.

I gotta ask Julius that.

Thank you, sis.

You know I love you.

Translation:
"Where am I sleeping?"

"Will President be Impeached"?

Who's talking about
you getting impeached?

Maybe it's about time
we start thinking

about that cafeteria fire.

My father was tired from work
and tired of Uncle Michael.

Where's Uncle Michael?

Oh, he's upstairs
asleep in my room.

Sounds like a night
at the Neverland Ranch.

You all right?

Mmm, yeah. I'm just
having some problems at school.

You're president. What kind
of problems could you have?

I made some campaign promises
that I can't deliver.

So now they want to impeach me.

That's what you get.

What?

How would you like it if I said
I was gonna do something for you

and didn't
do it?

Oh. Okay, so then
what should I do?

I don't know. I didn't promise
to tell you what to do,

but you got yourself
in this mess.

Whatever happens, happens,

but it's your responsibility.

My father didn't believe
in making promises,

which was tough for him
because they were free.

Back at school, it was
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Truth.

Why did you write all
this stuff about me?

And who said
I was getting impeached?

It doesn't say
you're getting impeached.

It's asking, "Will you
get impeached?"

Well, who asked
will I get impeached?

My sources.

What sources?

What would you think
if Chris got impeached?

Is Chris going to be impeached?

I think you're a fraud.

I think you were
lying then, and

I think you're lying now.

This is totally unfair
because you've got

a personal ax to grind.

What ax?

Your boyfriend Ping is running

with Caruso
and he lost.

You just want revenge.

Ping is not my boyfriend.

He's not?

No.

Say, what are you
doing after school?

Greg.

Sorry.

I'm gonna continue
to pursue the truth

wherever it leads me.

Now get out of my office.

Fine.
Fine

That was fair and balanced.

While Lisa was
in pursuit of the truth,

Uncle Michael was in pursuit
of a snooze.

(snoring)

I got my first lesson in ethics

and Tonya was getting hers
in double Dutch.

Drew, I'm ready for you to
teach me how to double Dutch.

Double Dutch is hard.

I mean, you can't just
jump right into it.

How come?

'Cause double Dutch
is a serious sport.

What do you think this is,
single Dutch?

No.
Okay, then.

You can start by stretching.

Can you touch
your toes?

How many times?

I'll let you know.

Just keep stretching.

And after this,
we'll do knee bends.

Tonya got stretched, and so
did my father's patience.

Why is your brother
sleeping on my couch?

Him and Momma got
into a little fight.

It'll just be for a few days.

You couldn't ask me?

I was going to.

I don't want my kids
waking up in the morning

getting used to seeing a grown
man sleeping on the couch.

Don't worry, Julius,
he'll be gone soon.

How soon?

Julius, he's family, okay?

Just be patient.

Big man!

(Michael sighs)

That couch is kinda rough.

'Chelle, did you make
anything to eat?

I'm hungry.

Better make that food to go.

Michael, didn't you
eat last night?

Yeah.
It's afternoon now.

86... 87... 88...

89...
What you doing?

Jumping jacks.

Why?

Because Drew's gonna teach me

how to double Dutch.

By doing jumping jacks?

He says it's gonna
build up my endurance.

Drew!

Come in the house,
it's time to eat.

Come on.

Hey, Tonya. Tomorrow,
we'll work on your footwork.

I thought you said
we were gonna work

on hand-eye coordination.

That's the day after tomorrow.

Come on.

While Drew
gave Tonya the runaround,

Uncle Michael just ate
and sat around.

Mmm. This is good.

So, how you doing,
Mr. President?

Not so good.

Why, baby? What's wrong?

Well, being class president

is a little bit harder
than I thought.

You gotta pay the cost
to be the boss.

Ha-ha! I know that's right.

Y'all listen to your uncle.

She didn't say that
when he told us

to invest our money
in parachute pants.

TONYA:
Hey, Daddy.

Hey.

Big man! Sit down

and have some
of this chicken.

Mmm. It's good...

That look means, "You're lucky
I don't have heat vision."

Baby, why don't you
come over here and sit down?

I-I'll get you
a dinner plate.

So, uh, you been out
all day looking for work?

No, I've been here all day.

Why is that?

It's cold out there,

but it's warm in here.

Um...

Michael, why don't you
run out to the store

and, uh, get us some Nestea?

But The A Team
about to come on.

That's my program.

I love me
some Mr. T.

"I pity the fool."

That's my boy.

Michael!

Go get the Nestea.

Here you go, baby.

Okay?

Now, is there anything else
I could get for you?

No. I just want
to sit in my chair.

That face means
there's nothing worse

than sitting on a hot chair
warmed by a lazy ass.

Mommy made you
really good spinach.

Mmm! Yummy.
Mm! Mm!

Michael, you talk
to Momma yet?

Nah. I'm giving her a chance
to calm down.

You got to leave.

If Julius finds you
here tomorrow,

I don't know
what he's going to do.

If I go home, I don't know
what Momma gonna do.

You got one more night.

Okay, 'Chelle.

Dang.

And stay out of Julius' chair.

(sighs)

Back at school,
I stopped making promises,

and started making demands.

I'd like all book reports
to be on books

that were made into movies.

Are you high?

I'm asking, not judging.

No.

I'm just trying
to fulfill my campaign promises.

Just for curiosity's sake,
what else did you promise?

A TV in the library,
more field trips,

instituting recess,
and no more detention.

Chris, how are you going
to know how to act

when you get stopped
by the police

if we don't give you detention?

Let me explain something
to you, Chris.

The Office of Class President
is titular.

What-u-lar?

Titular, Chris.

It means you don't have
any power, just a title.

The first thing
I should have done as President

was change the meaning
of "titular."

Well, you're saying that,
even though I'm Class President,

I can't change anything
around here?

Exactly.

Well, if I don't have any power,

how can you let them impeach me?

I mean, come on,
I can't do anything.

Can I at least
get French fries at lunch?

I always thought you'd be more
the sweet potato type.

MRS. MILONE:
The point is, Chris,

the students run the
student government,

and they can do
what they want.

And I can't do anything.

That's not true.

Maybe you can talk them into

letting you stay in office.

That's a good idea.

Give another one
of those speeches.

But if I can make
a suggestion,

maybe this time
you should try rhyming.

Maybe you should try Prozac.

Did you know
I didn't have any power?

What are you
talking about
you got no power?

You're the president.

I'm a figurehead,
like Mayor McCheese,

like Colonel Sanders,
like Dr. Detroit.

Dipaolo told a guy we were going
to put cherry Kool-Aid

in the water fountains.

Dipaolo?

Well, that was
another bad idea.

Tell me about it.

I thought being president
would help make us more popular

and help solve some problems.

All it did was cause
more problems and make
more people hate you.

Here he is!
Well, at least things
can't get worse... Hey!

Gotcha!

You think you can steal my stuff
and get away with it?

I didn't take this.
These kids ran by

and they dropped it
on my table!

Good, tell it
to the police.

Greg, where you going?!
Come on.

While he's grabbing me,
three white kids grabbed

everything in
his cash register.

It wasn't me!
Shut up! Shut up!

"Heist By Class President Foiled
as Impeachment Looms"?

GREG:
This is outrageous!

How are you going
to call me a liar?

You're the liar.
I'm not guilty.

They found the real guys
five minutes later.

I had a deadline. School was out
in an hour and a half.

You couldn't wait 30 minutes

to find out whether your story
was true or not?

You're the class president,
this is the news.

We wouldn't have printed it

if you hadn't exhibited
a pattern of behavior.

What pattern?

Maybe I was guilty.

You're supposed
to be a journalist.

You can't in
good conscience
let this stand

without printing
a retraction.

He's gonna lose
his office.

I promise I'll print
a retraction.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.
What can I do?

While I was hoping
Lisa kept her promise,

Tonya was showing some promise.

How much longer, Drew?

I'll tell you.

And after this,
you'll do wind sprints.

Dang!

Tonya trained harder
than Rocky.

(TV playing)

My uncle hated to work so much,
he left a lazy stain.

Big man!

Is that my shirt?

I didn't even see that.

Popcorn?

Julius, let me explain.

I don't want to know,
I don't want to understand,

I don't even want to hear it.

I just want him gone.

Well, he has no place to go.

I don't care.

Him and my mother had a fight.

He about
to have a fight with me.

What's he doing
with my shirt on?

Well, he spilled chocolate sauce
on his.

My chocolate sauce?
Well...

Now he's spilling my food,
he's wearing my shirt,

sitting on my couch,
eating my popcorn,

watching my television,
burning my electricity.

Julius, he's my brother.

Okay. How much longer
do I have to deal with this?

Not much longer.

Baby, because you're so
understanding about this,

I am going to make your favorite
cheese grits for breakfast.

Cheese grits?

Uh-huh.

I love them cheese grits.

I know you do.

Baby, I promise you
he'll be gone by tomorrow, okay?

My dad had heard that before;
I think it was yesterday.

Extra cheese?

Extra cheese,
sharp cheddar.

Sharp cheddar.
Sharp cheddar.

MRS. MILONE:
Inasmuch as our own student
government

reflects the reality
of our actual government,

malfeasance on the part
of our seated president

has brought us to this
impeachment hearing.

All right, Kingfish,
you got the floor.

Okay, over the past few days,

rumors have been circulated
about me.

The press have put out stories

saying that I'm guilty
of a lot of things.

Are you done?

No.

I didn't do any of those things.

I'm not a crook.

Nevertheless...

After talking to Greg,

I imagined what my father
would say to me.

So you're just gonna
quit, huh?

All these people who made it
possible for you to become

the first black class president,
and now you're just gonna quit?

Yeah, and what if we quit?

Black people would never have
become pilots.

If I had quit, pancakes
would taste like crap!

If I had quit, Cream of Wheat
would have been called

Cream of White!

If I had quit, it would take
hours to cook rice.

Chris,
I know you don't think

being eight-grade class
president

is a big deal,
but one day it will be.

If people tell you enough times
that you're wrong,

sometimes you forget
that you're right.

They could impeach me
if they wanted,

but I wasn't going
to stand there

and let them call me
a liar and a cheat.

The reason I'm here now
is because the newspaper

has put out stories saying
that I lied and I cheated.

And I promised you

that I would try to change
things around here.

Well, I tried,
and it didn't work.

Well, at least not yet.

I still want to be
your class president,

it's just that I need another
chance to make things right.

Y'all believed in me before.

You can keep believing
in me now.

Fight the power, Chris.

Fight the power.

JOEY:
All right, all those
in favor

of impeaching Chris,
raise their hand and say "Aye."

ALL:
Aye!

What?

All right, the ayes have it.

You're impeached.

I didn't even get a chance
to touch a fat white woman.

Hey, how come
you're not training?

Because Drew lied to me.

I did everything he asked.

I ran through tires,
I did wind sprints

and I still
can't double Dutch.

Well, I'll help you.

You will?

Yeah.

You already know how to do this.

Just count it out
and when I say "go," go.

Okay, ready... go.

* Oh... cut footloose

* Oh, cut footloose
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

Thanks, Drew.

What?

(sighs)

Big man!

I see why
these cheese grits

are your favorite.

Mm-mm.

Julius, come on, man!

I said I'm sorry, man!

Julius!

What?

Can I at least get my clothes,
man?

You want your clothes?

I got your clothes.
I got your clothes.

That's for eating
my cheese grits.

(groaning)

Julius, this is
wrong, man.

I'm gonna tell 'Chelle
about this!

What you looking at?!

You ain't never been throwed out
before?

This is wrong, man!

Over some grits?!

My father eventually came
downstairs to return his sock,

but he shoved it somewhere

that Uncle Michael
couldn't reach it.

I need a ride, man!

Getting impeached taught me
a valuable lesson:

only make promises
you can keep.

From then on, I just promised
to eat pizza

and watch the Knicks game.

She promised
a retraction. Here it is.

Do you see this?
This is tinier than

the print in the Bazooka
Joe comic strip.

Well, we had a good run
and we made history.

Yeah, I know.

I was the first class
president ever to
be impeached.

I wonder who's
going to replace you.

Probably Dipaolo.

Great, we're gonna have
an idiot for president.

Who knew Greg could see
into the future?

See you later.

Hey, check this out.

There's cherry Kool-Aid coming
out of the water fountain.

* Everybody hates Chris.