Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 19 - Everybody Hates Gambling - full transcript

Everybody Hates Chris #041
"Everybody Hates Gambling"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
In my neighborhood, people
didn't make a lot of money,

so in order to make ends meet,
people would gamble.

And you know what?

I bet you a dollar you can't
figure out which baby is yours.

All right.

I can't tell.

Just about everybody
played the lottery...

Those are tonight's
winning lotto numbers...
We won!

We won?!

I won.



Get your ass
out of my house!

MAN (on TV):
...New York lottery.

Even people who told other
people not to gamble, gambled.

Let me tell you this...

gambling is a sin!

With a capital...

Bingo! Bingo!

People would gamble
on anything.

Bingo, bingo.

I'll bet you a dollar
you can't guess

how many cans
of tuna I got in here.

Twelve.

Damn!

I bet you can't guess



how many apples
I got in my hand.

Five.

Damn!

The one thing everybody bet on
was sports.

Whoo!
What?

I'm about to make some money,
that's what.

I got the Bulls
over the Bucks.

I didn't gamble, but I knew
a bad bet when I saw it.

The Bulls can't beat the Bucks.

I mean, yeah,
they have Jordan,

but Don Nelson can coach circles
around Kevin Loughery.

The Bucks over the Bulls?

You're crazy!

Wanna bet?

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION

I wasn't making a bet with Doc,

but it paid off, anyway...

Well, ain't you
the little odds maker?

What are you
talking about?

Here.

What's this for?

You called that game just right.

First I was down $50,

now I'm up by $300.

All I get is this?

Now...

When I said "bet",
I didn't mean "bet" bet.

I was just saying.

Oh, you keep on just saying,

and I'll just keep
on paying.

How'd you learn so much
about the game, anyway?

Well, since I can't play,
I watch.

I study the stats. It's fun.

Too bad they don't have
an all-star game for stats.

Now, what do you think

about Jazz
against the Rockets?

Well, everybody thinks
that Houston's gonna win

because of the twin towers,

but that's only for rebounds
and stick backs.

The Jazz can run.

Back at home,between Drew
and Tonya, all bets were off.

Hah!

He's up over the defensive
line, and king me!

(chuckles)

So that don't mean nothing.

Hah!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Hah! And that's it!

Drew crushes Tonya again
and the crowd goes wild.

(laughing):
I win, you lose.

My brother was good
at everything except winning.

Why don't you shut up?

Why don't you make me shut up?

Bet you don't win again.

I bet you I do.

Bet you you don't.

All right then,
bet what?

While Drew and Tanya were
putting their bets down,

Vanessa was giving my mother
a heads up.

Did you hear about Doc?

No. What happened?

He won $300 on the basketball
game last night.

Gambling?

I hate gambling.

My mother hated gambling

because my grandfather
loved it.

He'd gamble on anything.

Fights...

Come on, blue.

Let's go.

Come on, blue.

Doggonnit!

(grunting)

He gambled on races...

(cheering)

Doggonnit!

He even bet on the weather.

I got ten dollars on sunny
and 79.

Doggonnit!

Pay up...

So you don't gamble at all?

No! Not at all.

What about Julius?

Julius won't even bet you
his own name is Julius.

The only bet my father would
place was this...

I see your "20% off" coupon

and raise you a
"buy one get one free" coupon.

Too rich for my blood.

Fold.

I'll see your coupon
and raise you a boot.

I'm out.

Yeah, I tell you what,
I tell you what.

Now, you loan me ten dollars,

I'll put a little
somethin' somethin' down

on the Houston-Utah game
for both of us tonight.

Nobody in this house is
putting a little down

on anything except
the bills.

Told you.

After a few days
of picking winners for Doc,

it was starting to go
to my head.

* If I ruled the world,
was king on the throne *

* I'd make peace
in every culture *

* Build the homeless a home

* I'm not runnin' for Congress
or the President *

* I'm just here to tell
the world how my story went *

* As I arrived,
the crowd started to cheer *

* And then someone yelled out,
"The King is here!" *

* So I headed toward stage
to make a speech *

* About the new style of living
I was gonna teach, uh-huh *

* If I ruled the world *

* Huh-huh, huh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh *

* I'd love all the girls *

* I love 'em, love 'em,
baby... *

Good morning, Chris.

Why don't you take
a day off, sweetheart.

You bet.

* If I ruled the world...

Cool hat, man.

Oh, thanks. It's a Kangol.

Aren't those expensive?

Yeah, well,
I made some extra money

when I gave Doc a couple of tips
on the play-off games.

Are you crazy?

You've gotta give that back.

It's gambling money.

Do you know what happens
to gamblers?

Greg, I'm not gambling.

And Bobby Brown's drug free.

I just told him
who I thought would win.

Hello?

That's gambling.

Greg, calm down.

What's your problem anyway?

My mother.

Was your mother a gambler?

Yup.

She lost a bet
and had to marry my father.

Then she won another bet
and got to leave.

And then there's
the bet she lost

that got Greg here
in the first place.

Back at Doc's,

he was more concerned
with the line on the game

than the line
at the cash register.

But I think Dallas
is gonna take this one.

You're going with Dallas
over Portland?

You should be
committed, old man.

You know what?
You both need

to be committed.
Hey, Chris,

what you think, man?
Well, who's

he supposed to be,
Jimmy the Greek?

No, that's Chrissy the Black.

He called me that even before
he knew I could pick games.

So, brother man,
what you know?

Well, I know that the Portland
defense is way too weak

in transition
to stop Aguirre and Blackman.

Plus, the Mavericks have
something to prove

so they're going
to come out hard.

So I'm gonna have to go
with Dallas.

And-and why should
I listen to you?

Well, don't and lose your money.

You know I got
a side bet

with somebody as
dumb as you are.

No, we gonna see
who's gonna lose some money.

Well, bet me
double that.

Win or lose,
I bet I'm in trouble.

Put your money where
your mouth is.

What is she doing
with us all the time...

Well, well, well,
if it ain't Chrissy the Black.

I thought we was supposed
to be friends, young blood.

What are you talking about?

Doc had a little side bet
on the Dallas game.

I was the side bet.

And I know you wouldn't listen

'cause your name is
Risky, not Smarty.

Wait, what happened?

I lost,
that's what happened.

If I had known you were giving
Doc his pitch,

I wouldn't even bet him.

For the first time I realized,

that while Doc
was winning money,

somebody was losing.

What?

You're in on this?

He ain't in on nothing.

I just give him a little
taste when I win.

Well, if you're so
on the money, uh,

how about tonight's game?

Oh, that's a big game.

There's gonna be a lot
of money on the line.

Come on, man.

Help me out just so
I can win my money back.

All right,
just don't tell anybody.

I won't tell anybody,
it's just between us.

Translation:
"I'm telling everybody."

You ever notice
how nervous you get

when a big black car
is following you.

You're Chris, right?

Who are you?

Shecky the Bookie.

My friends call me
Shecky the Bookie.

And what do you want?

Word on the street is
you're pretty good

at picking ball games.

Nah, I'm just lucky.

They build casinos
on your kind of luck.

Look, your friend Doc,

he needs to get unlucky.

And he needs to get unlucky
tonight.

And if he doesn't, I'm
gonna see you tomorrow.

And you don't want
to see me tomorrow.

I didn't want to see you today.

Capiche?

I wonder if that's Italian

for "Did you just wet
your pants?"

GREG:
Dude, this is bad.

Tell me something
I don't know.

The estimated weight of the
earth is six sextillion tons.

Greg, that was a
rhetorical question.

Sorry.

I told you this
was going to happen.

Chris, there's only
one way out.

And what's that?

We can disguise you
as a Dominican.

You'll speak Spanish
and move to the Bronx.

We'll call you
Salvador Armando

Guillermo Sanchez
Garcia Morales.

You'll never see
your family again,

but you won't have
to pick any more games.

Or I could just
pick the wrong team

and everybody will think
I'm a loser again

and then nobody will
ask me to pick anymore.

You could try that, too.

Baby, what are you doing?

(sighs)

Trying to beat Drew
at checkers.

Well, shouldn't he be playing?

No.

Because he bet me three dollars
that I couldn't beat him.

So I can't play him again
till I think I can win.

Baby, you know your mother
doesn't like gambling.

Checkers is just supposed
to be for fun.

It was fun.

But every time Drew wins,
he starts teasing me,

and I just want to beat him
until he cries!

So, you know,
it could be fun again.

Uh...

Oh...

I see why Drew
is beating you.

Why?

You've got to think
before you move.

Strategize.

Strategize?

In checkers?

You're not playing checkers,
you're playing Drew.

It's like...

you've played him
over a hundred times.

You know all his
moves, right?

Yeah, he just wants
to be kinged all the time.

So what you do
is you leave him

an easy way
to get kinged,

but you're really leading
him into a trap

to take all
his checkers.

Just ask Paul McCartney's wife.

Hmm, thanks, Dad.

Uh, Daddy.
Hmm?

Can I borrow three dollars?

Borrow?

Okay, "have."

My man.

How are you
at baseball?

I don't know.

Well, come on, come
on, we're on a roll.

I didn't know when that roll
would end,

but I imagined
how it would end.

My man!

Who are you?

(speaking Asian language)

Wok? What happened to Doc?

(speaking Asian language)

Jail?

I'm not working for you.

Want to bet?

I either had to stop Doc
from gambling

or learn how to skin chickens.

Oh, Chris.

I was just about
to make that call.

Lakers, right?

Um, you know what?

I've been thinking, and I think
you should go with Phoenix.

Phoenix? Over the Lakers?

They just lost two games.

Yeah, I know, but they're
at Phoenix.

You know, it's a pride thing;
they don't want to get swept.

You sure about that?

Yep.
Nope.

My man.

I'm his man today,

but tomorrow he's gonna beat me
like a bald-headed stepchild.

While I was trying to get
out of gambling,

my father
was looking to get in.

(laughing)

VANESSA:
Hey, Julius!

Hey. Vanessa.

What are you doing over here?

Uh, listen.

Everybody in the
neighborhood's been
winning on the games.

Are you sure about the
tips you've been getting?

Sure as fried fish is greasy.

Who's giving the tips, anyway?

I don't know, but he's good.

Doc hasn't lost a bet yet.

Can you put this
on the game for me?

Oh, okay.

And don't tell Rochelle.

Oh, no, wait a minute now;
I'm not comfortable with that.

I can't lie to my friend.

You told her
that perm looked good.

Look, I'm not asking you to lie.

I'm just saying... keep quiet.

She'll keep it quiet,
just like Paul Revere.

I'll tell her when I win.

All right, now, you better
tell her, or I'll have to.

Meanwhile,
back at my front door...

Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm looking
for Chrissy the Black.

Chrissy the what?
The Black.

Chrissy the Black.
Yeah.

Who are you?
Who are you?

You don't ask me who I am;
you're knocking on my door.

You got a point.

I'm Paulie the Bookie.
Paulie the what?

The Bookie. Shecky the Bookie

told me I can find
Chrissy the Black here.

Chrissy the Black?
Yeah.

You mean Chris?
Whatever.

Who am I talking to?
Rochelley the Mom.

Oh, the Mom. Oh.
I thought you were his old lady.

Who are you calling old?
I didn't mean it like that.

Look, what business
do you have with Chris?

There's a lot of action
on the Phoenix game tonight,

and your boy,
he's on a hot streak.

Shecky's got good action

coming on the over and under,
and I was hoping maybe

if I can a heads-up
on the spread.

Look here, Shecky...

It's Paulie.
Paulie.

Yeah.
I don't know
what you're talking about,

but I'm done talking about it.

Look, lady.

It would be a lot easier
if I talk to Chrissy about this.

I'm about to close this door,
and I suggest that your hand

not be between it
and the wall when I do.

And as for Chris,

I hope you find him before I do,

because his hot streak is about
to be over. Understand, Shecky?

It's Paulie.

Whatever.

While I was nervous
about tonight's game,

Tonya was nervous
about today's game.

You got your money?
Yeah, you got yours?

Yeah.
Okay, let's play.

Hello, everybody,
I'm Jim Lampley.

Today, we're in Bed-Stuy for the
World Checkers Championship,

a showdown between Tonya
and Drew.

In the past, Drew has routinely
schooled Tonya at checkers,

but today,
Tonya is tremendously motivated,

because three dollars
are on the line.

The money's on the table.
Let's go to the action.

(round bell dings)

Tonya is the first to move,

making the play
for Drew's front pieces.

(crowd cheering)

That looks like it could have
been a setup by Tonya.

Drew is gonna have to pay
for that move.

Oh, there's a tremendous move
by Drew.

Here comes Tonya again.

All you can say to that move is,
"King me."

Tonya's on the defensive again.

That could be part of her plan--
and look at that!

A double jump.

Drew never saw it coming.

Drew is holding on, but there's
every chance today...

he's going to get beaten
by a girl.

Ah. There's another
amazing move by Tonya.

She's really got Drew
on the ropes now.

One jump, two jumps--
what a move.

That's unbelievable.

Can Tonya come back now?

(laughing):
Whoa!

The impossible has happened.

Tonya jumps all of Drew's
remaining checkers

all at once.
(bell dings)

Tonya has won the game.

(audience cheering wildly)

I won! I won!

(singsongy):
You lost. I won. You lost.

Now, give me
my three dollars.

You cheated.
Did not.

Did too.
No, I didn't.
What is going on in here?

You two are screaming
like you don't have a mother.

A dispute has broken out,
and under the rules of
the championships,

Mom is here to settle it.

Tonya cheated.
No, I didn't.

I beat Drew in checkers, and now
he owes me three dollars.

And you're gambling, too?!

You ain't gonna be happy
until somebody comes over here

and breaks every knuckle
in this family.

So Tonya over Drew
in a checkers match to remember

right here at the Palace
in Bed-Stuy.

I'm Jim Lampley. Good night.

I don't understand this.

Why everybody in this house
knows how much I hate gambling,

and yet everybody
in this house is gambling.

Can somebody
explain this to me?

Julius? Chris?

Drew? Can you guys explain?

Tonya.

What do you have to say
for yourself, sweetheart?

Drew was teasing me at checkers,
so I bet him so he would stop.

Where did you get money
to place this bet?

Daddy.

Oh. Your daddy gave you money
to gamble.

Isn't that sweet?

Give it here.

Julius.

I was doing it just to
help her build confidence.

Oh. You were building
your daughter's confidence

by turning her brother
into a sucker.

That's good.

That's really good.

(laughs)

And Chrissy the Black?

You're just there
calling games

like you're
in Atlantic City, huh?

Is that what you want to do
if you grow up?

Notice she said "if."

But I wasn't gambling.

(mockingly):
You wasn't gambling.

Well, I don't know
what they call it,

Mr. Spread on the Over-Under,

but you better get ready
to stop not gambling.

"You better get ready
to stop not gambling?"

The point is:
boy, you better stop!

Well, I already
put a stop to it.

I lied to Doc about who was
going to win tonight's game.

Oh, so you're gambling
and you're lying?

How long is it gonna be before
we have bodies under this house?

Huh?!
You lied about who's
gonna win tonight's game?

And what does that matter
to you?

I placed a bet
on that game.

You did?

When did you place a bet?

A little while ago.

I gave it to Vanessa.

(laughs)

So you went behind my back
to my friend?!

She said
she didn't want to do it.

I-I told her I'd tell you.

Really? When?

Now?

How much did you bet?

Fifty.

Fifty dollars?

What happened to putting nothing
down but on bills? Huh?

Can't double your money
on the light bill.

You're going to fix this.

Oh, and you're going
to fix this now.

How's he going to fix it?

You can't change a bet
once you've placed it.

I don't care.

You're going to call Doc,

and you're going
to tell him the truth.

And you know what?
I'm going to change your name

from Chrissy the Black
to Chrissy the Black and Blue.

(Cybotron's "Clear" playing)

It's amazing how fast
bad news travels.

Hey, Doc, it's Chris.

What?!

Danny, Lakers over Phoenix.

Pull your bet.

Julio, Lakers over
Phoenix-- pull your bet.

Harry, no bet.
Don't bet the Lakers.

Perez, pull your bet.

Bobby...
Hey, man, pull your bet.

Did you do it?
Tell him to pull his bet.

Pull your bet, man.

Reverend, yes. Pull your bet.

Yeah. God bless you, too.

After all was said and done,
I had won some money,

lost some money, but there was
one thing I hadn't bet on...

Oh, man!

Phoenix wins!
Yeah, I won!

My man!

ROCHELLE:
We won!

Yeah! I told you,
I put money on Phoenix.

ROCHELLE:
Yes, we won!

Baby, thank you
so much, Chris.

(knock at door)

(laughing)

This is great.

Oh, she got the money,
got the money.

Here's your money, Julius.
Yes, yes, yes!

Ooh, thank you. Ooh.

ROCHELLE:
This is great.

Wait a minute.

There's only $50.

I know. I know.
I didn't make the bet.

Just when I was about
to put your money down,

Chrissy the Black said don't do
it-- Phoenix is going to lose.

If it wasn't for him, we all
would have made some money.

How was I supposed to know?

You're Chrissy
the Black?

ROCHELLE:
Yep, that's him.

You see? You got people
thinking they're gonna win,

when you know
they're gonna lose.

If you'd let them lose,
they probably could have won.

That's why I hate gambling!

'Cause you can't win for losing!

Here's the part where I lose.

Now get your butt upstairs!

* Everybody hates Chris.