Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 18 - Everybody Hates Baseball - full transcript

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #040
"Everybody Hates Baseball"
Closed captioned

* I see the crystal
raindrops fall *

* And the beauty of it all...

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was a kid,
I never had a chance

to hang out with my dad much,

because all it seemed like
he did was work and sleep.

I tried working with him.

Come on, Chris, we got
to pick up the pace.

We only got five minutes
at this spot. Here we go.

(grunting)

I tried sleeping with him.



* Just the two of us

(bones crack, Chris whimpers)
* We can make it if we try

* Just the two of us...

But the one thing we loved

doing together
was watching baseball.

(sportscast playing)
* Just the two of us

(cheering, laughing)

* ...in the sky,
just the two of us *
(knocking at door)

Oh, I'll get it.
* You and I

Nothing could spoil
family time like

a visit from my Uncle Michael.

Big man!

What's going on, Michael?

Besides Mama being mad
at me for eating all



the Captain Crunch, nothing.

(baseball game continues on TV)

Who's up?

Mets by one.
Mmm.

Hey, big man,

you want to see the Dodgers
and the Mets play on Saturday?

You got Mets tickets?

Where'd you get 'em?
My man.

He used to work
in the box office.

He got 'em from his girl.

Michael, I can't
afford those tickets.

I'm not selling them.

We're family.
You can have them.

What's the catch?
No catch.

My father would accept
free tickets to a funeral.

Box seats, huh?

Big man, can I borrow $40?

Michael, if you needed $40

why didn't you just sell me
the tickets for $40?

That's against the law.

My uncle was a lazy bum,

but he was honest.
What you need $40 for?

I need it for a date.

I want to pay so I can make
a good first impression.

Especially if your second
impression is

"can I borrow $20?"

So who you going out with?

Mm-mmm, I ain't saying.

I've been in a slump lately

and I don't want to jinx

this one.
Why don't you
get a job?

And move out
of your mother's house.

So can we go, Dad?

Yeah, Gooden's pitching.

All right.

Cool, y'all 'bout
to see a good game.

Y'all 'bout to see
Gooden and Strawberry.

A few years later, you'd have
to go to prison to do that.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK:
While I was planning
on the game,

Vanessa was about
to get played.

Girl, guess who
asked me out?

Who?
Michael.

Mailman Michael?
No.

Garbage man Michael?
No.

Her man Michael?

She went out
with him last week.

Your brother Michael.

What? Vanessa,

stop playing.
Girl, I'm serious.

He wants to take me
to dinner and everything.

Everything means nothing
but dinner.

Well, what would make him think

that you would want
go out with him?

Because I said "yes."

And you know I never
turn down a free meal.

And I think he's kinda sweet.

Just like diabetes.

And besides, you never know

where you might find love.
In the arms of a bum.

Mm!

What do you mean, "Mm!"?

I just don't think
it's a good idea.

That's all.
Mm-mm.

It's just dinner. You act like
the man is moving in.

Keep an eye on your keys.

I'm just saying,

every time you go on a bad date,

I end up with a bad perm.

Don't worry, your hair's going
to be just fine.

After six months on the block,

Tasha had me confused.

She was a cute girl
who didn't hate me.

So I'll see you guys
at the theater.
Bye, Tasha.

Bye.
Hey, Tasha.

Hi, Chris.

So, what's going on?

We're going to the movies
Saturday.

You want to come?

What are you gonna go see?
What are you,

Siskel and Stupid?
Just say you want to go.

Back to the Future.

Well, let me just
get one thing clear.

You want me to go with you
to the movies on Saturday?

Yeah. It'll be cool.

Yeah, it'll be real cool.

Like, cool is the
word, too, so...

Man, shut up before I build
a time machine

and come back to smack you
upside the head.

So, I'll see you Saturday?

Yep, you'll see me Saturday.

Okay.
If I don't have

a heart attack by Friday.

Tonya loved Billy Ocean,
so naturally, she

joined the Billy Ocean fan club

and sent off
for an autographed picture.

But it wasn't the first

fan club she joined.

There was the DeBarge fan club.

The Shalamar fan club.

Even the Terence Trent D'Arby
fan club.

Too bad they were bought out
by the Al B. Sure fan club

TONYA:
Is that it?

No.

Is that it?
No.

Is that it?
No. I got the light bill,

the gas bill,
and the telephone bill.

There's nothing here
from Billy Ocean.

Not unless his picture's
on one of these bills.
But you mailed it

almost a month ago.

A month ago?
Baby, it's been barely

four weeks.

Relax, you'll get your picture.

Hey, Mom, can I have
a piece of gum?
Sure.

Uh-oh.
No gum?

Yeah, I got it-- here.

That look means "Damn!"

Damn!
See?

My mother had lost more stuff

in her purse than
the Bermuda Triangle.

She lost little things.

There's my lipstick.

She lost big things.

There's that skillet.

She lost great big things.

There's that gallon of milk.

And things she didn't know
how she lost.

There's my purse.

They might have found
Biggie's killer

if they looked inside
my mother's purse.

What's that?

Tonya's waiting on a picture

from the Billy
Ocean Fan Club,

but I forgot to
mail the letter.

Now I don't know
what to tell her.

How about "I forgot to mail
your letter to Billy Ocean"?

Are you crazy?

I can't just
tell her I forgot.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to get her
a picture of Billy Ocean.

Monk was always on guard.

Is that your brother?

Yeah.

Just checking.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Okay.

Hey, man, was that Tasha?

Yeah, she just invited me

to go see
Back to the Future.

Oh, for real? That's cool.

Yeah, I didn't know
she liked me that much.

No, I was talking about
Back to the Future.

Oh.
So it's just you and her?

No, some other people are going.

Oh, cool.

So you gonna sit next to her?

I hope so.
(chuckles)

So when you going?
Uh, Saturday.

What Saturday?

This Saturday.

How are you going to see

Back To The Future with Tasha

and we're supposed to be
going to the game with Dad?

Shoot, I forgot about that.

I thought about one girl

so much when I was 16,
I forgot I was 30.

Well, maybe Dad won't mind
if I don't go to the game.

I think he's probably
gonna be crushed.

I mean, plus he got
those tickets for free.

It's a Saturday
and he got a day off work.

I mean, who knows when
that's gonna happen again.

This was gonna be one
of the best days of his life.

Now it's ruined.

I'm glad some girl didn't
ask me to go to the movies.

I'm glad I'm not you.

Oh, well. See you later.

Where's a flux capacitor
when you need one?

Tuna on the top,

sardines, then the cat food.

CHRIS ROCK:
For working people,
broke people and old people.

So your daddy's got box seats
to the Mets game, huh?

And you're not going?

I haven't decided yet.

Well, what's to decide?

Is she cute?

It's Tasha.

Tasha!

That was the code name to my
first field exercise in Qatar.

Man, forget that game.

They play 180 games
a year, every year.

That girl asked you out once.

Now don't expect her
to do it twice.

Anyway... I couldn't imagine

going to a baseball game
with my father.

Why not?
Because they didn't

have baseball games
in the Quang Ngai Province.

Was your dad in Vietnam?
Nope.

Queens.

I don't know, he disappeared
when I was two.

I haven't seen him since.

20 years later, Monk found
his father on MySpace.

Profile name:
Military Mike-tastic.

Look, you ain't gotta take
my word for it.

I'm not.
But ask anybody,
they'll tell you.

You can always hang out
with your daddy.

Go to the movie.

Go to the game, man.

You know if my father
wasn't in jail,

that's what I'd do.

Yeah, go to the game,
but whatever you do,

don't sit behind home plate.

My father was killed
by a line drive

to the the medulla
oblongata.

Tragic.

Go to the game.

My father never took me
'cause I was a test tube baby.

Want some peanuts?

Why don't you and the girl
go see a movie

about the game that
your father's going to.

Hurrah...

sowah...

I don't know, man.

That's a tough one.

Game-girl,
girl-game. Well...

if you pick the girl,

there's a good chance
you're gonna hurt

your dad's feelings, but..

it is his job to love you
unconditionally.

Now, if you pick the game,

you might hurt
Tasha's feelings...

not to mention
(locker unlocks)

you'll miss
Back To The Future,

which is supposed
to be one of the best

movies out
this year, but...

it will be a pretty
good game,

so I'd have to say girl.

No, game.

Girl.

Wait, no-- game!

Girl!

Game!

(singing softly)

Get your butt over here.

Rochelle?!
What are you doing out here

sneaking up on people?

You could've caused me
to have a heart attack.

Michael should've
died years ago,

but his heart was way too lazy

to attack him.
What do you think you're doing?

What?

Why did you ask Vanessa
to go out with you?

Because she cute,

she got a good job,
she need a man,

Mama said I need a woman,

plus, I hear she
co-signs on loans.

Well, you need to ask
somebody else out.

You don't see me
going around asking
your friends out.

What're you saying,
I'm not good enough

for your friend?
No, Michael, I'm saying

that if you go out with
her and have a good time,

she's going to expect
you to call her back.

You ain't got no money,

you ain't got no phone,

and if she hasn't
heard from you,

she's gonna be distracted.

And if I end up with
a bald patch in my head

'cause she left the
perm in too long--

oh, you and me...

...we gonna have problems!

Well, I'm sorry, sis.

She already said yes.

I can't cancel right now.
What would I look like?

Like a bald patch.

Don't you walk away
from me! Don't you walk...

I'm gonna get my woman.
Michael!

Back at home,

I was about to call
the game on a technicality.

Mm! The Dodgers are
on a three-game run.

They're going
to stomp the Mets.

This game is
gonna be good.

I thought we wanted
the Dodgers to lose.

Usually.

But the Dodgers
are the only team

that weren't mean
to Jackie Robinson.

You hire the only black guy
playing, I'm on your side.

I feel the same way
about midgets.

Baby, I haven't seen
you this excited

since you found that
book of food stamps.

She should have seen him

when he found a meter
with time left on it!

Look, we got great seats,
free tickets,

I got the day off, and I get
to hang with my boys.

If you threw in a nap,

he would die and go to heaven.

If you threw in a nap,
I'd die and go to heaven.

See?

Tonya, you want some cornbread?

No, I'm not really
all that hungry.

Baby, you got to eat.

You don't want
to die of starvation

before your picture gets here.

Oh, okay.

DREW:
Hey, Dad?

Can we eat whatever
we want at the game?

Yeah.

As long as it costs
less than $2.00.

I'm going to get two hot dogs,
cotton candy, and peanuts...

Chris, what you gonna eat?

My words?

Nothing.

Because I'm not
going to the game.

What do you mean?

Well, Tasha asked me if I wanted
to go to the movies on Saturday,

and I said "yes."

My father never
really showed his feelings,

but when he was hurt,
he'd always say the same thing.

Cool.

Cool.

That's not cool, that's cold.

CHRIS ROCK:
After giving it some thought,

Vanessa decided to give my mom
a piece of her mind.

Rochelle.

Ah, hey, Vanessa,
what's up?

Well, you tell me-- why don't
you think I'm good enough

to go out with your brother?

I never said that.

I tell you what,
Miss High and Mighty,

when you figure out
what you are trying to say,

you call me at home

and then say it.

Until then, find somebody else
to wax your mustache.

What about the soul patch?

My mother went from
making a snap judgment

to looking for a snapshot.

Oh, Risky, Risky, Risky.

Oh, hey, Rochelle, what do you
need-- a butter roll or bagel?

Do you still have those
celebrity autograph pictures?

I might have a few.

You got Billy Ocean?

What you want with a
picture of Billy Ocean?

It's for Tonya.

All right, Tonya.

All right, let's see here.

Okay, uh, Billie Jean King,
Wild Bill Hickok, uh...

Billy Joel...

What do you do with
these pictures anyway?

Oh, I sell 'em to
soul food restaurants.

Okay, Arctic Ocean,
uh, Atlantic Ocean,

Pacific Ocean...
Billy Ocean!

Ah! Yes!
Billy Ocean!

Yes! Thank you.

Two dollars.
Okay, here you go.

All right.

You got a bagel?

Oh, sure, sure.

Oat, uh, honey...
Thanks.

Out of all the people
I talked to

the only one who
didn't tell me what to do

was the one who
it mattered to most.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah?

I'm going to work.

I'll be back
in a little bit.

Okay.

Dad?

Yeah?

Can I go to the Mets game
with you and Drew?

What happened to your movie?

Nothing.

(baseball game playing
on TV)

I'd just rather
go to the game.

Okay... Cool.

Cool.

For the first time, "cool"
actually meant "cool."

ANNOUNCER:
It's Mets against the Dodgers

this Saturday, from Shea,
on Mets Network...

Ain't you supposed
to be going to work?

Yeah.

Letting my father down
was hard,

but bailing out on Tasha
was going to be worse.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, Tasha.

Um, I've got
some bad news.

What?

I can't go to the movies
with you on Saturday.

Why not?

I've got to go to this
baseball game with my dad.

That's okay.

Hey, Eric.

Want to go to the movies
Saturday?

Sure.

See you Saturday.

Okay.

If Tasha were here
to do her voice-over,

she would admit that
she's heartbroken.

ADULT TASHA:
No, I wouldn't.

I wasn't heartbroken, I don't
even remember this happening.

So I'll see you later?

Um, yeah.
Okay.

CHRIS ROCK:
While Tasha silently
suffered in Brooklyn...

TASHA:
I wasn't suffering then

and I'm not suffering now--
I don't care.

CHRIS ROCK:
Be quiet.The next day,
outside of Shea Stadium...

Man, I can't wait.

Hey, Dad, during the
seventh-inning stretch,

can we get some
caramel corn?

Yeah, but let's not eat so much
we get sick-- Come on.

I would've enjoyed
Back to the Future with Tasha,

but it wasn't better than a day
in the present with my father.

Here you go.

Hold on--
you can't use these.

Why not?

Why not?

What do you think,
I can't read?

What are you talking about?

These are from
last year's game.

Let me see those.

April, 1984?

Otherwise known as last year.

I'm going to kill your uncle.

Do you mind?

Uh, where's the ticket booth?

Maybe we can buy some
bleacher seats.

I don't think so.

The game's sold out.

Did I ask you that?

Fine, go to
the ticket booth.

They're going to
tell you the same thing.

Down and to the left.

Let me know how that
works out for you.

CHRIS:
So, did they have anything?

Nope.

Bleachers?

Sold out.

Nosebleeds?

All full.

I'm sorry, Chris.

It's okay, Dad.

Too bad you didn't get
to see Back to the Future.

You probably could have
sat right next to Tasha.

I know.

And afterwards,

you could have
gone to the park,

got some ice cream...

Yeah.

Probably chocolate, 'cause
I know you like chocolate.

Yeah, I know.

It would've been one of
the best days of your life,

and now it's ruined.

I'm sure glad I didn't miss
the movie to see this game.

Okay!
Okay!

JULIUS:
You know what?

I told you guys we were
going to see this game

and we're going
to see this game.

Come on.

Tonya! I have a big
envelope for you!

Is it my picture?

Oh, I don't know, but...
smells Caribbean to me!

Maybe he wrote
your name.

He probably said
something special!

Ma, this is not Billy Ocean.

This is Billy Dee Williams.

What?

Let's see that.

Damn it, Risky.

Baby, I'm sorry.

Why? What happened?

Well, you gave me your
letter for Billy Ocean,

and I lost it in my purse,
and I never mailed it.

So I'm not getting
my Billy Ocean picture.

No, I'm sorry, baby.

Do you still have the letter?

Yeah, why?

Can I have it?

Oh... here.

Thanks.

W-wait, wait, wait
where you going?

I'm going to go mail this letter

so I can get my picture
of Billy Ocean.

My mother always did the
best for us that she could,

even if it didn't
make a bit of sense.

(cheering)

Me and Drew had never been
inside Earl's bar.

It was a place where men
got together to act like men.

Hitter's got a full count.

That don't mean nothing.

I'll tell you what it means.

It's going to be tragic.

Tragic?

Want to hear about
something tragic?

You ever been lost in the
Peruvian Jungle

with a mine
stuck to your butt?

Man, will you be quiet
and watch the game?

When I was a kid,

I never got to hang out
with my dad that much.

But not going to
a baseball game

turned out to be one
of the best days ever.

You okay?

Yeah.
Yeah.

You need anything?

Can I have a beer?

No.

Can I have a beer?

No.

(cheers and applause)

My mother lost friends
over money, and over men,

but she wasn't about
to let anybody

get in the way of a good perm.

Hey, girl.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't tell you who
you can and can't go out with.

I know you was just
looking out for me.

So how was it?

Awful.

I never been with a man
that cheap in my life.

He's not cheap, he's broke.

Trust me, there's
a big difference.

Well, then why
did you let me

go out with him?

I tried to talk you out of it!

No, you didn't.

You said, "I don't think
this is such a good idea."

Well, what was
I supposed to say?

You supposed to say,
"He broke, don't
go out with him."

And that would
make a difference?

Not to Britney Spears.

Yeah, well, when I'm doing
something stupid,

you're supposed to stop me.

Don't blame me, heifer,
you're a grown woman.

Believe it or not,
that's how they made up.

You still got me on the books
for Tuesday?

Does Diana Ross wear a wig?

Oh, that game was great.

Yeah, thanks, Dad.

Yeah.

Whoa, cool.

Yeah, if you want a car that
looks like a belt buckle.

Kill Moves, where'd
you get this car?

I went to see
Back to the Future

and they were giving them away.

That explains the car.

What about the white lady?

* Everybody hates Chris.

* Oh... make it funky now!