Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 20 - Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes - full transcript

Everybody Hates Chris #042
"Everybody Hates Dirty
Jokes" CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK:
Ever since I was a kid,
I always loved comedy.

I loved cartoons.

(meowing)

I loved sitcoms.

Sunday's supposed to be my day
of rest, you know.

But most of all,
I loved stand-up comedians.

Michael Jackson kept his
sunglasses on.

He had to-- Cyndi Lauper
kept shining in his eyes.

(laughing)

All right, y'all,
time to go to bed.



Ma, can I stay up
and watch 'til the end?

It's almost over.

All right.

Drew and Tonya, go.

Good night.

And Prince didn't show up.

He doesn't like to go anywhere

where the cast
outnumbers his bodyguard.

What I didn't know was that my
parents loved comedians, too.

REDD FOXX (on record player):
You knew it in your heart,
you haven't washed your hair.

* Express yourself

(laughter)

(laughter)

FOXX:
So one night,
the time was right,



he asked her, he said,
"Honey, would you marry me?"

She said "wooden eye?"

I can't say what he just,

but it was the first dirty joke
I had ever heard.

"Geez, baby, what time
do you have to be home?"

And it wasn't the last.

She said "Christmas..."

A lot of kids would get
in trouble sneaking out of bed

trying to listen
to dirty jokes.

I ended up getting a career.

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK:
I risked a beating

trying to hear one side
of that Redd Foxx album.

Now I was risking my life
trying to hear the other side.

Now, I know it was wrong
to sneak behind my parents back

and listen to dirty records,

but if listening to dirty
records was wrong,

I don't wanna do right.

REDD FOXX:
When I was a kid,
during the depression...

I mean we were poor.

When Christmas time came,
if I hadn't been a boy

I wouldn't have had nothing
to play with.

I found out one thing in life,

if you want people to laugh,
tell 'em a joke.

Now, if you want them
to really laugh,

tell 'em a dirty joke.

Okay, and there was
one black sheep,

and the chief said,

"Okay, you don't tell on
me, I won't tell on you."

(laughs)

All right, stop it, man, come
on, I can't take another one.

No, no, no, no, wait,
I've got one more.

Hold on.
No, no.

I can't take it.

Who is that?

Redd Foxx.
From Sanford and Son?

He's a comedian?

Yeah, you big dummy!

Yeah, I didn't know it either.

My parents have like a bunch
of his albums.

And they let you
listen to that?

Not really.

Still won't!

JOEY:
Hey, Buckwheat.

Alfalfa. What's so funny?

Uh, I was just telling
a stupid joke.

Tell me.

Nah, you wouldn't
really like it.

Yeah, you won't like me smashing
your face in a locker.

Now, tell me the joke.

It's funny. Tell him.

Okay.

There's a missionary who went
to an African village...

If you can make your worst
enemy laugh with a joke,

that's a funny joke.

...and there was
one black sheep.

And the chief said,

"Okay, you don't tell on me,

I won't tell on you."

(laughing):
That's real funny, Flip.

Hey, guys,

For the first time,
come here.

I realized a good joke can stop

a beat down.

Too bad Reginald Denny
didn't know any jokes.

All right,
so there's a missionary

who lived in
an African village...

(Maxine humming)

Momma, what you
doing in here?

I thought you might
need a hand with dinner.

Since my grandfather
passed away

my grandmother had a lot
of free time on her hands,

and she was giving it
to my mother.

(clears throat)

Baby, that's not
the way to do that.

But I do it this way
all the time.

Yeah, but the way
you do it is wrong.

Go ahead sit down,
I'll do it.

Go ahead, I'll do it.

The only thing
my mother hated worse

than no help
was help from my grandmother.

Okay.

Dinner is served.

Ooh, um...

I can't eat this.

My gout will flair up.

Oh, don't worry.

That's oven-fried chicken.

I used skim milk
in your macaroni,

that's a baked
potato and salad.

So, you go ahead, eat up,
you'll be just fine.

Wow, Momma never did
all that stuff.

Shh!

Where's Momma anyway?

Hey, baby,

you wanna sit down and
have something to eat?

Mm, I'm fine.

Grandma made oven-fried chicken.

Oh, really?

That's nice.

Well, I'm gonna finish
the laundry.

It's finished.

Then I'll go
straighten up

the kids' room.

Oh, they're
straightened.

Uh-oh.

Then I guess I'll go do my toes.

They're done.

ROCHELLE:
When did you do my toes?

MAXINE:
While you were asleep.

I didn't want to wake you.

That look means,

"If you do something else,
you're finished."

Here comes your
girlfriend, Drew.

Girlfriend?

I don't like her.

Well, she likes you.

And she's going around telling
everybody that you kissed her.

Wait, Tonya...

Just about every girl
in the neighborhood liked Drew,

and Chantal was just about
the only girl Drew didn't like.

Hey, Drew.

What you doing?
Uh, nothing.

I was just about to go
back in the house.

Oh... you coming
back out?

Ah, I don't think so.

Oh, you gonna be out
tomorrow after school?

I don't know.
I may have to stay in.

Oh.

Well, maybe I'll
see you later.

Yeah, maybe.

While Drew was trying
to make a clean break,

I was getting down and dirty
with my new jokes.

I told the one about the guy
who got bitten by the snake...

So the doctor said make two cuts

where your friend was bitten
by the snake

and suck out the poison out.

So the guy gets back
to his friend,

the friend said,
"Well, what did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die."

(laughing)

I told one about the two guys
on the bridge...

And so then the white guy said,
"Man, this water is cold."

And the black guy said,
"Yeah, and it's deep, too."

(laughing)

And I told the one about how
to become an honorary Eskimo.

So, he was bleeding, and
his clothes were torn.

So he walks in and says,

"Now, where's the Eskimo woman
I'm supposed to kill?"

(laughing)

(laughing):
Aw...

Hey, little dude
from across the street, man,

you're momma know you here
telling jokes like that?

Nah.
Because if she did,

she'd smack the smut out of me.

Hey, hold up.

Let me hold a dollar.

You want one?
Yeah.

For years I had tried
to be cool,

but I had never felt cooler
than when I tried to be funny.

CHRIS ROCK:
While I kept the guys rolling
with laughter,

my mother kept my father
from rolling into bed.

What are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

Translation: "He can't sleep."

I didn't do something,
did I?

No, it's my mother.

She's driving me crazy.

Every time
I want to do something,

either she's already done it

or she doesn't like
the way I did it.

Baby, she's just
trying to help.

If you call her making me want
to knock her out "help,"

she's doing fine.

I mean,

she's got a house.

Why can't she go over there and
clean up after Michael?

Because if she has to pick up
another one of his socks

she's gonna strangle
him with it.
What?

We were talking earlier.

Rochelle, she's lonely.

She told you that?

No, but it's obvious
she misses your father.

I think she's just trying
to keep herself busy.

Well, I wish she would find
something else to do.

Maybe she should go on a date.

A date?

My mother is almost 60.

How would she look out there
trying to get a date?

Like Bea Arthur
on The Golden Girls.

Better than
she looks downstairs

trying to cook
your dinner.

Back at school,I learned
another valuable lesson.

You could be funny
at the wrong time...

And then the guy said,
"All right, fine.

"Just as long as
you don't hit me

in the back of the head
with that stick."

(laughter)
What's going on
back there?

Nothing.
Oh, really.

So the whole class is giggling
up a storm over nothing at all?

Caruso...

It wasn't me.

He's the one shucking
and jiving.

I guess he's never going
to be in the mob.

So, Mr. Funny Man,

you're so funny,
why don't you make me laugh?

I can't.

Obviously you can.

Everybody else is laughing.

You told them a joke,
so you can tell me a joke?

I don't think so.

Oh, so now you're thinking?

Well, I tell you what.

You'll have plenty
of time to think

when you're serving a day
in detention.

(kids gasp)

Don't ask me
what I'm thinking right now.

Since my grandmother was too
old to go out looking for men,

my mother decided
to bring the men to her.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Rochelle,
what can I do for you?

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Do you remember my mother,
Maxine?

Yes.

Husband died telling
a knock-knock joke.

Tragic. Tragic.

I was wondering
if you might know

of any available men
around her age?

Uh-oh,

momma's got a brand
new bag, huh?

Yeah, I think I might know
a few people.

Come on in.
Okay, thanks.

So, uh,
how is Mr. Julius?

He's fine.

Oh.

Some guys want their sisters
to hook 'em up.

Not Drew.

Chantal called you.

What?

How'd she get our number?

I gave it to her.

What'd you do that for?

Because she likes you.

So? I don't like her.

So?

What do you mean "so"?

I mean "so."

Just because you don't like her

doesn't mean she
don't like you.

Drew hadn't learned that women
spoke a different language...

Crazy.

Meanwhile,
my mother was looking

for a man to get back
her sanity.

I have a question for you.

Of course.

Does your mom have a cellar,
a large freezer and a pension?

Have you ever dated
a black woman before?

Oh, yeah.

There's nothing I love better
than a bad mamajama.

I hope you're talking
about the song.

Did Mr. Omar send you?

No, your window was open.

Can you hold this gun?

Michael,
what are you doing here?

Stopping a home wrecker.

You trying
to break me and Momma up.

It's time for her
to come home.

I'm hungry.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Yeah, so how did
the fellas work out?

They didn't.

Who's this?

I'm Lester.

You know, you're much younger
than I thought you would be.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, lowdown.

You're not coming to meet me.

You're coming
to meet my mother.

(gravelly):
Well, if she looks
anything like you,

this could work out.

Calm down, Billy Dee,
she don't want your Colt 45.

Well, if you talk

to her like you talking to me...

(gravelly):
it just might.

(all laughing)

Where you been?

I'm sorry I'm late.
I was in detention.
Detention?

For what?

I was telling
Redd Foxx jokes in class.

Redd Foxx?

As dirty as he is,

I know your mother
didn't let you listen to that.

Nope. I snuck and listened to it
while they were asleep.

Oh, you got a little sneak
in you, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

You know, I used to write
jokes for some comedians

back when.

You did?
Mm-hmm.

I got a joke or two on most
of these albums here.

Really?

Well, can I listen to them?
Sure.

But some of this material
is a little blue.

Blue?

Yeah, filthy.

So if you hear something
you ain't supposed to hear,

turn it off.

Don't be so strict, old man.

I'm gonna make a slopper.

You want one?

Nah, I'm all right.

"Moms Mabley?

"Bill Cosby.

George CarlinClass Clown"

(laughing)

CARLIN:
Yeah, there are 400,000 words
in the English language,

and there are seven of them
you can't say on television.

(sing-songy):
They must really be bad...

"Seven Words You Can
Never Say On Television"?

You know the seven, don't you,

that you can't say
on television?

Seven? I could
only think of three.

(two bleeps)
What? Whoo!

(bleeps twice)
Ouch! Uh-huh!

(two bleeps)
Whoa! Hey, now!

(bleep)
Ho, ho, ho, ho!

My vocabulary
just grew by four.

Dirty jokes were one thing.

Dirty words were
a whole new ballgame.

Oh, my God.

Where'd you hear that?

George Carlin.

That's comedy?

I think it's funny.

Well, I hate cursing.

My father used to call my mother
number four all the time.

Then she'd call him number five.

And they'd go back
and forth like that.

Five, four, two, one.

Seven.

Then they'd end up
on number three.

Greg was an early adapter
of "too much information."

Well, I don't want
to get in trouble,

so don't tell anybody.

It never occurred to me
that Greg wasn't

the one I had to worry about.

(all gasp)

Don't tell anybody.

Don't tell anybody.

I liked it better
when you worked clean, man.

You know, I feel that the use
of foul language degrades

not only the listener
but the speaker as well.

Caruso is the only guy I know

who would beat things
out of you he wouldn't say.

Just because my mother
found a man

didn't mean my grandmother
wanted one.

Rochelle, you know
I hate surprises.

Momma, I think
you might like this one.

Okay.

What?

(groans)
Ta-dah!

Momma, this
is Lester.

Lester, this is
my mother Maxine.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

What is this?

Mom, it's just dinner.

I just thought you might
like to have a meal

with somebody
besides us for a change.

So, what, you just go out on
the street, get some man,

bring him up here
to eat with me

like I'm a
charity case?

No, Momma, I didn't say that.

Maxine, it's just
a friendly meal.

That's what Robert Blake said.

We are not friends.
I don't know you.

And you sure don't know me.

Well, I was thinking we
could get to know each other.

Anybody ask you
what you think?

ROCHELLE:
Momma!

Don't "Momma" me.

I'm too old
for a blind date.

Wouldn't say that
if it was Stevie Wonder.

I don't know who
you're eating with,

but you're not going
to eat with me.

Momma...

Just have a couple
of peas or something.

Sorry?

What about you?

Would you care to eat?
(door closes)

What?

I came to eat.

I don't care who I eat with.

Might as well.

My brother never asked me
for advice about girls

and there was a good reason.

(sighs)

What's wrong?

Well, there's this girl.

What about her?

You know when
a girl likes you,

but you just don't
like her back?

Is he serious?
No, I don't.

Well, how do you tell her
without hurting her feelings?

I have no idea.

I should probably just
tell her the truth, huh?

I don't know.

I should probably
tell her.

Okay.

Thanks.
Welcome.

Why can't everything
be this easy?

Ma, I can't believe you
treated that man like that.

I can't believe you
treated me like a floozy

looking to pick up some
strange man off the street.

Well, Ma, ever
since Daddy died,

I just worry about
you being lonely.

I am not lonely.

I love coming here, taking care
of you and your kids.

But you're
driving me crazy.

Ma, this
is my house.

I like to do things my way.

This family already
has one momma.

We don't need two.

Okay.

I'll go.

But Ma, I didn't
mean it like that.
Uh-uh, no, no.

Hey, Chantal.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.
How come you don't like me?

I don't know.

I just don't.

It's got to be something.

Do you think I'm ugly?

No.

Do you think
I'm dumb?

No.

Then what is it?

Just tell me the truth.

You're too tall.

Never stopped Danny DeVito.

Hello.

Are you stalking me?

(chuckling):
No.

I just dropped by Mr. Omar's
for a moment to say hello.

(laughing):
Oh, I'm sorry.

Um...

I'm sorry about what
happened last night.

I didn't know that you had
no idea I was coming.

My daughter did
the same thing to me.

Where do they get
off doing that?

If I wanted to meet
someone, I would.

I-I... I know.

My daughter had
so many women coming through

it was like
a Miss America Pageant.

(laughs)

She thinks
she's protecting me.

I just wish

she would get out of my house.

(laughs)

The only way I can get
my son out of the house

is to put dinner on the stoop.

I'm so sorry
I was rude.

I was just caught off guard.

Ah, don't worry
about it.

It was just nice to meet you.

Well, very nice
meeting you, too.

Uh, Maxine.

Would you mind if we had
a cup of coffee sometime?

Coffee?

I guess.

How about now?

Oh, well, that
would be nice.

Don't try
anything funny.

I have mace and a whistle
in my purse.

He's got a gun.

Do you know what
you've started?

What?

Every kid in this
school is swearing

like a drunken sailor.

It's out of control.

Well, I told them
not to tell anybody.

You told everybody.

It's not like I said it
in class or anything.

Didn't mean
somebody else didn't.

Young man...

I want a word with you.

In fact, I want
seven words with you.

Number one had hit the fan.

Suspended?

For talking in class?

What did you say?

Well, it's a routine called

"The Seven Words You Can
Never Say On Television."

Well, what are they?
I can't say them.

We're on television, woman!

Didn't you hear
the name of the bit?

Boy, what are these words?

Write them down.

When I was writing
these words down,

I realized they were
more silly than dirty.

You said this?!

Look at this.

I never even say this.

Why would you
say this?!

I was trying to be funny.

Oh, you're gonna feel
mighty funny when I beat the...

number one out of you.

Look, they're the seven words
you can't say on TV.

Where does it say
you can say 'em

in school?
And why would you think

that something like this
is funny anyway?

It's no worse than Redd Foxx.

Where did you hear Redd Foxx?
Here.

What do you mean "here"?

A few nights ago,

y'all were playing the records
and I heard it.

Some parents would blame
themselves-- not mine.

Who is this anyway?

George Carlin.

George Carlin from Car Wash?

Yeah.

No wonder his part
in that movie was so small.

If he'd have said anything else,
they wouldn't have been able

to put it out.

I'm sorry.

Mm-mm-mm.
Chris,

if you're interested in comedy,
that's fine,

but some things are
not appropriate for your age.

Just because we listen
to Redd Foxx

don't mean you're supposed to.

There's a reason why we
waited for you to go upstairs

and fall asleep.

You can't understand
comedy like this.

I understood it.

You understood which one?

All of them.

The one about the lady
with the funny lips?

Yeah.

The one about making sandwiches?

Yeah.

The one about
the black sheep?

Yeah.

The one about the Fukawi Indian?

(laughing):
Yeah.

Boy, where did you
learn all of this?

I don't know;
I just picked it up.

Chris, look, the point is:
this is not comedy for children.

Next time I find out you're
telling these type of jokes,

you're gonna get
more than suspended.

You done?

Yeah, why?

'Cause as far as
I'm concerned,

this time is
next time.

Number three...!
* Everybody hates Chris.

* Oh... make it funky now!