Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 17 - Everybody Hates DJs - full transcript

(James Brown's "The Payback"
playing)

CHRIS ROCK:
As a kid,
I loved listening to music.

I loved soul.

I loved rock.

And even the occasional polka.

* Got to, got to pay back

But my favorite was hip-hop.

* Revenge

Rappers are the big stars now,
but back then, it was the DJs.

DJ Jazzy Jeff actually had top
billing over the Fresh Prince.

While the DJs did
all the hard work,



all the rappers did
was say one thing.

Say "Hey!"

ALL:
Hey!

Say "Oh!"

Oh!

Now scream!

(all screaming)

He went on to join Public Enemy
as one of the guys

who looked tough
but was never allowed to rap.

We have a warrant for the
arrest of Hilton Reed

aka DJ Hilly Hill.
(needle slides off record,
music stops)

The first rule
of breaking the law:

If the cops are after you,

don't stand under a sign
with your name on it.



Yo, yo, why y'all
arresting me, Jack?

I pay my bills just
like everybody else.
Yeah, yeah.

Cry me a river.

Yo, I didn't even
have nothing to do

with that Alpine in
that Cadillac, either.

Yo, take care of
my records, son.

We'll see you
later, Jerome.

Yo, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Y'all, y'all don't
have to leave.

I know somebody here
knows how

to DJ.

I know how to DJ.

Little dude from
across the street.

You're telling me you know how
to rock the wheels of steel?

Yeah.
Well, go ahead, then.

Turn the party out.

Hold on,
everybody, hold on.

Let me hold a dollar.

He's charging me to help him?

If you're telling the
truth, I'll give it back.

Thanks.

(music resumes)

Oh!

RAPPER:
Say "Go, little dude!"

ALL:
Go, little dude!

"Go, little dude!"

Go, little dude!

Say "Hey!"

Hey!

Say "Oh!"
Ho!

Now scream!

(all screaming)

JEROME:
Listen up.

I'm doing another party
next Saturday.

You want to DJ?

It pays a hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars?
Yeah.

Cool.

Notice he didn't give me
my dollar back.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION

Hip-hop was the biggest thing
to hit Bed-Stuy since poverty,

but it took a little longer to
get to the white neighborhoods.

Hey, Chris, where are you
going in such a hurry?

Oh, I need to go buy
turntables.

I got a job offer
DJing a party.

DJ?

You mean like
Wolfman Jack?

No, like Grandmaster Flash.

Grandmaster Flash.

Isn't he in the
Justice League?

No, the Furious Five.

Those look expensive.

Well, they're professional.

Yeah, but you're not.

Greg's future career

as a motivational speaker
didn't go very well.

Man, this is so cool.

White guys have to learn
to play instruments

to make records.

Black guys just have
to play the records.

But the white man still
gets all the money.

What are you going
to call yourself?

DJ Chrissy Chris.

Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?

It's a black thing.

Like that badass black dude
from Three's Company.

While I was dreaming
of being a cut creator,

Drew was dreaming
of being a prestidigitator.

Hi, I'm Marshall Brodien.

Most magic tricks are easy
once you know the secret.

For example, have someone take
a card like the six of hearts.

Tear it up into small pieces.

Have someone hold
one of the pieces.

Place the others inside the box.

Close the box,
tap it with a magic wand.

When you open the box,

the card is back in one piece

and the piece they're holding
fits perfectly.

Take an ordinary piece
of newspaper...

Oh, what's that?

Marshall Brodien.

He's my favorite magician.

Oh.
Hey, Mom.

Could you take me
to the toy store this week?
What for?

They're having free magic shows
with Magician the Magician.

That's as lazy as me calling
myself Comedian the Comedian.

And the first 25 people
to get there get a free deck

of Marshall Brodien's
TV Magic Cards.

Oh, baby, I can't take you,
I got to work.

But when your father wakes up,
why don't you ask him?

Maybe he could take you.
Okay.

Now, wait a minute, Drew.

I don't want you fooling
around with no black magic.

You hear me? I don't want
to come home and see

no pentagrams and dead goats and
chickens and stuff like that.

Only good, clean white magic.

You hear me?

Why not compromise
and do Puerto Rican magic?

Yes, ma'am.

Magician, huh?

My mother didn't
care about magic.

She just imagined how it
could make her look good.

My boy is a
football player.

He just got a
scholarship to Rutgers.

My daughter is a doctor.

She just finished her
first open-heart surgery.

And my son is a magician.

And he just made
Bed-Stuy disappear.

Ooh.

(wolf howling)
You better tell him to bring it
back 'cause I'm closing at 9:00.

Mama,

Drew made my barrette disappear.

Drew, give your sister
her barrette back.

All right.

Damn, he is good.

She's making sure
he didn't take her ears.

Finding a pair of turntables
was harder than I thought,

because as it turns out,

I wasn't the only DJ
who wanted them.

Sorry, kid, Jam Master Jay
just bought the last pair.

Sorry, kid, DJ Scott LaRock
just bought the last pair.

Well, I'm sorry, uh,
we just sold the last pair

to this kid who called
himself Funkmaster Flex.

Funkmaster Flex?

Same thing I said.

Sounds like some kind
of workout machine to me.

Yeah, for out-of-shape
funky people.

Not gonna have any more in

for at least
another eight weeks.

But I need turntables
by Saturday.

Let me show you
something.

You got a big party
going on or something?
Yeah.

How about these?

That's all you got?

I can only imagine
what kind of people

would come to that party.

(James Brown's "The Payback"
playing)

* The big payback

Say "Hey!"

Hey.

Say "Ho!"

Ho.

Now scream!

Aah!

That's not what they mean
by old school.

While I was pursuing hip-hop,

my dad was trying to avoid
things that went hippity hop.

Hey, Dad, do you think
you could take me

to the magic show this week?

I got a magic show for you.

I work two jobs
seven days a week,

and every day,
my money disappears.

How's that for magic?

But I want to get a
set of TV Magic Cards.

You gonna make some money
with this magic?

If he gets good, he could make
your "broke" disappear.

I don't know,
but Doug Henning does.

What you going to do
at this show?

Everything.

Card tricks, sawing
people in half,

pulling rabbits
out of hats.

Rabbits?

Nobody in my family knew it
at the time,

but my father was only afraid
of two things:

being broke and rabbits.

It started in the '70s.

While everybody else was
being scared by The Exorcist,

my father was scared
by another movie--

Night of the Lepus.

Run, man!

Can't your mother take you?

Well, she told
me to ask you.

Yeah, well, we'll have to see.

I might have to work.

Hey, maybe next time.
Sorry.

Now I know why he always rooted

for Elmer Fudd
to kill Bugs Bunny.

Back before people got ripped
off by strangers on eBay,

you got ripped off face-to-face
at the pawn shop.

You are lucky.

These are the last two
in the city.

They just came in.

All right, well, how much?

Uh, 200 for the pair.

$200?
I won't have enough for albums.

Well, you could buy
$200 worth of records

and then spin them
on your fingers.

All right.

Wait a minute.

This one's missing a stylus.

Oh, I didn't see that.

Okay, I'll knock off
20 bucks.

And I'll throw in
The Art of the DJ.

The first and last issue.
All right.

There you go.

(sniffs)

Hey, Kill Moves.

Hey, Abe.

Listen.

How much can I get
for this here?

What is it?

It's a Technics 1200 stylus.

Where'd you find that?

Found it outside
on the ground.

Must have fell off
one of these turntables.

Mm-hmm. I'll give
you ten bucks.

I'll give you 20.

25.
15.

Deal.

This is your brain on drugs.

Later, Chris.

He later traded that money for
two dimes and a shiny nickel.

So, you gonna throw
in the stylus?
30 bucks.

30 bucks? You just
got it for 15.

This is America.

Supply, demand.

I usually got robbed like this
in alleys.

Oh, hey, baby,
here's your uniform.

Did Drew ask you to take him
to a magic show?

Yeah, um... did you know there
were going to be rabbits there?

So?

So...

I'm allergic.

To rabbits?

Since when?

I don't know.

Since I was a
kid. I mean--

So if they're going to have
rabbits there, I can't go.

Can't you take some
allergy medicine

or some 'Tussin?

It's Robitussin,
not Rabbit-tussin.

Look, Drew doesn't ask you
for much.

All he wants you to do is
to take him to a magic show.

A free magic show.

This is important to him.

You should be willing to wade
through a pool of rabbits.

My father never went
near a pool again.

Being a DJ was
all about your tools.

If your tools were
professional,

you were professional.

And first on the list?

A pair of Technics 1200s.

Check.

Mixer?

No.

Pair of professional headphones?

No.

Kangol?

No go.

Shell toe Adidas?

Nada.

Man.

Looks like my hopes and dreams
are about to get crushed

by the wheels of steel.

I went back to the pawn shop
with the supply,

hoping Abe would meet
my demand.

Hey, Abe.

That's a lot of stuff.

What do you need?

I need a pair
of professional headphones,

a mixer, uh, shell-toe Adidas

and a Kangol.

If you got all that, you're
going to need one of these.

Gold chain?

Well, it's not real gold
but it's a real chain.

* Get down
* Get down

* And get up
* Get up

* Get down
* Get down

Hey.

What's all this?

My DJ stuff.

Where'd you get the money
to buy all this stuff?

Oh, I saved up.
DJ, huh?

Yeah, I even got a job DJing
a party Saturday night.

Uh-uh, what are you doing
with my James Brown album?

Can I borrow it?
I need it for the party.

Why, you had the money
to buy all this,

why don't you buy your own?

Well, I looked everywhere.
Nobody has it.

All right, Mr. DJ.

You'd better take care of it,

'cause you know how I love me
my James Brown.

(squealing)

Ow, Ooh. Funky now. Getting
funky now. Getting funky.

Ow. They don't know nothing
about that.

What you know about that? Ow.

Ow. Jump back, I gotta catch
myself. Ow. Ow.

If she was a Jackie Wilson fan,

she'd be in the emergency room
right now.

(James Brown's
"The Payback" playing)

* Hey

(record screeching)

* The big payback

* Sold me out

* For chump change

(squealing)

* Said my woman had it
all arranged *

(screeching)

For the first time in my life
I was going to be a DJ.

I felt like nothing
could stop me,

unless I put a sign
over my head.

* The big payback

(screeching)

* For chump change

* Said my woman had...

* Said my woman had it
all arranged *

Throw your hands in the air.

Wave them like you
just don't care.

If you love DJ Chrissy Chris,

everybody say "Oh, yeah!"

CROWD:
Oh, yeah!

Hey.

We're looking
for DJ Chrissy Chris!

(ripping sound)

Uh-oh.

(record skipping):
* Payback, payback,
payback, payback... *

I hope I could skip town

before my mother hears
this record skipping.

You scratched your mom's copy
of "The Payback"?

I was trying to mix it.

I don't get it.
It's already a good song.

Why do you need to do
anything to it?

Because a DJ needs
to rock the party.

You realize I have no idea what
you're talking about, right?

Yeah, I know.

So did you tell your mom?

No, I'm just going
to buy her a new copy.

Well, what if she wants
to listen to it before then?

If that happened, I would have
to keep her entertained

the best way I knew how.

(James Brown's
"The Payback" playing)

* Revenge! I'm mad

* Get down with my girlfriend

* That ain't right

Ow!

* Smokin'

* Hollarin' cussin'

* You wanna fight

* Payback is a thing
you gotta see *

* Ow

* Never do any damn thing
to me *

* Sold me out
for chump change *

* Yes, you did

* Told me that they,
they had it all arranged *

* You handed me down,
and that's a fact *

* Now you're pumped

* You gotta get ready

* For the big payback

* The big payback

* That's where I am

* Ho

* For the big payback

While I was looking
for the big payback,

Drew was looking
for the big magic trick.

Sorry we got here too late to
get the free TV Magic cards.

Aw, it's okay.

It's still
a pretty good show.

What I want you to do is
hold those two balls.

I'm going to take the
first one in my hand,

and I want you to squeeze
the other one real tight.

And watch what happens
on the count of three.

One, two, three.

And the ball has
completely disappeared.

Now, if you slowly
open your hand,

you will find two
yellow balls.

He eventually got in trouble
when he did the two-ball trick

without using props.

And let's have a hand
for my lovely helper.

You can have a seat.
Thank you, very much.

And now for my next trick,
I'm going to need a volunteer.

You, sir,

do you mind
helping me out?

Hey, go, Dad.

All right, go.

I need an advance.

For what?

"The Payback."

The payback?

Get down here quick.
What's up with the payback.?

How'd you know
about the payback?
Who told you that?

It's just talking
about the James Brown album.

Oh, you talking about
"The Big Payback."

Oh.

What'd you think
I was talking about?

Never mind.

Anyway, man, I don't
loan money, man.

It ruins relationships.

I once loaned my mother money
for a bus ticket,

never saw her again.

So, you can't do it?

Nope. Sorry, Chris, can't do it.

All right.

I should've said
I needed the money

to overthrow the Sandinista.

Hey, Chris.
Hey, Teedra.

You still DJ-ing Jerome's party
on Saturday?

Yeah.
Okay, I'll see
you there.

All right.

After I became a DJ,

not only would I have the money
to buy my mother's record,

but I'd also have girls.

Hey!

Lil' dude from
across the street.

You remember Hilly Hill?

Yeah, nice to meet you.

All right,
I heard you did a good job

at the party after I left.

He act like he went out
for doughnuts.

Yeah, I'm even doing
his next party, too.

Oh, yeah. Which one?

The one at his house.

No, no, I'm DJ-ing that party.

Look, lil' dude, you did a
great job, but this Saturday,

I gotta let my man,
Hilly Hill, DJ.

But you said I could do it.

Yeah, but I thought
he was going to be in jail.

I got out on a technicality.

Translation: he killed a guard.

But I bought turntables
and everything.

It almost cost me $200.

Look...

If he gets arrested again...

And he will.

...maybe I'll give you a call.

Sorry, lil' dude.

Here's your dollar.

Thanks.

In his mind, we're even.

Thanks a lot.

While I was out of a job,
my father was out cold.

What? What happened?

Dad, you saw a rabbit
and you passed out.

Baby, I didn't know your
allergies were that serious.

Dad, you're allergic
to rabbits?

How come you didn't
say something?

We could have sat in the back.

Don't people usually get
rashes or something?

I'm not allergic.

Then how come you fell out?

I fainted.

I'm scared of rabbits.

(stifled laughter)

Baby, why didn't you
just tell me?

What do I look like,
a grown man scared of rabbits?

Like a grown man scared
of rabbits.

Hey, sorry about the rabbit.
I didn't know.

Hey, kid...

Here's a TV Magic Set.

Aw, thanks.
And here's a set

of TV Magic Cards.
Autographed by Marshall Brodien.

Oh, cool.

Thanks for bringing me, Dad.

Even when my father was scared
out of his wits,

he was still able
to work magic.

Even though I managed
to get my turntables,

unfortunately for me,

the tables turned
in the wrong direction.

Aw, DJ career
over already?

Yeah. So what can you
give me for these?

Uh, I'll go 40 bucks.

Forty? But I gave you
everything I had.

Supply and demand, kid.

When you came in,
I only had two.

Now I've got six.

Yeah, but you can't do
any better than that?

I'll go $30.

I'm not Kill Moves.

Fifty.

All right.

Um... hey,

You got "The
Payback" album?
Yeah, sure.

Last one.

Ten bucks.

Hey.

Kill Moves, what you got for me?

What can you get me...

for this.

"The Payback."

Where'd you find that?
Found it outside.

Must of fell out of that jacket.

I'll give you ten dollars
for it.
Twenty.

Fifteen.
Fifty.

Deal.

Ha!

He said $15, you gave him $50.

Ha!

Some things are just
not meant to be.

I thought I wanted to be a DJ,

but things just spun
out of control.

(James Brown's
"The Payback" playing)

It cost me over $200
to not be a DJ,

but at least my mother would
never find out

that I scratched her
James Brown record.

* Payback

(record skipping):
* Payback, payback,
payback, payback, payback... *

* Everybody, everybody,
everybody *

* Everybody hates Chris.