Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 16 - Everybody Hates Chain Snatching - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
In 1985, crime was
on the rise everywhere,

and when I say "everywhere,"
I mean everywhere.

There was white-collar crime.

...swear before this committee
that you will...

There was blue-collar crime.

(thieves laughing)

There was even collard
green crime.

Hey! Come back here
with my pot liquor!

In Bed-Stuy, one crime
was an epidemic--

chain snatching.

(people yelling)



Everybody had a gold chain

and somebody was
waiting to snatch it.

Nobody was safe.

Not young people...

Hey!

Not old people...

Oh!

Not even dead people.

I never had a gold chain
because my parents

would never let me get one.

Gold chain?
Is a gold chain
gonna keep the house warm?

Is a gold chain gonna help
you graduate?
Is a gold chain

gonna get rid
of my gout?
Is a gold chain

gonna help clean
this place up?



The only thing you need
with a gold chain

is to lock up the gold gates
on your gold house.
Mmm.

Even though I didn't
have a gold chain,

my father was right.

Vanessa,
look out!

(shrieks)

What did I do that for?

Boy, what's
wrong with you?

Sorry, I didn't know.
It was a reflex.

"Sorry" didn't do it.
You did it.

Now, guess what.

You owe Malvo
a gold chain.

Good thing I didn't
stop him from stealing

a gold house.

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

Tonya!

Tonya!

Come on, we gotta go!

While I was on the hook
for a gold chain,

Tonya was on the line
for the hookup!

What're you doing?

We gotta go to school.

Billy Ocean is coming
to Radio City Music Hall

and the 98th caller
wins tickets.

I faced the same odds
whenever I called

to ask out a girl.

So, what caller are you?

I don't know, I keep
getting a busy signal.

(changes station)

DJ:
Hey! You're caller 98!

(woman screams)
That's right, baby,

you are going
to see Billy Ocean.

Well, come on. We're going
to be late-- plus, you know

Mama don't like
you on her phone.

We're giving away
two tickets a day

all this week.
Just be caller 98.

(chides the DJ)

If you want to hear
Billy Ocean sing live nowadays,

you can just call up
Billy Ocean.

Hey there,
Mrs. Rochelle.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Uh, the mailman left this
letter for Mr. Julius

in my mailbox by mistake.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

By the way, I was
wondering if I could

ask you a favor.

Sure.

You wouldn't
happen to have

another pair of pantyhose
I could borrow?

Pantyhose?

Borrow?

I need a new stocking
cap for my hair.

Oh...

Okay, sure.
You can have these.

Were you about
to put these on,

or did you just
take them off?

They're new, Mr. Omar.

Oh.

Okay, then.

Thanks.

Uh-huh.

I think he's disappointed.

My mother usually wouldn't
open my father's mail...

unless she wanted
to know what was inside.

"Attached is your
new credit card.

Cardholder since 1970"?

Hey, baby.

Any mail?

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Here you go.

My mother told me there's
two things you don't hide

from your wife--
extra women and extra money.

I was so afraid of Malvo
I couldn't think straight.

What are you
still doing here?

Just trying to
figure something out.

You remember Malvo?

Malvo?

I thought he went to jail.

Well, he got out,

and this morning
he tried to snatch a chain.

I saw him coming
up on my friend,

but I didn't know it was him.

Don't tell me you warned her.

I warned her.
Oh, man.

Don't you know if
you see a crime

committed in New York City,
you keep your mouth shut?

I don't care if you
see Ronald Reagan

about to gun down the Pope,
you don't tell!

Greg was a big fan
of editorial cartoons.

It was a reflex.
So you're
sitting here?

Obviously he didn't kill you.

What'd he say?

(Chris's voice):
What'd you do that for?

Then what?
Then I said...

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to. It was a reflex.

And then he said,

"'Sorry' didn't do it.
You did."

And then he put a finger
in my chest and said,

"You're gonna get Malvo

a gold chain
by tomorrow night."

And if you don't?

He said, "when you
least expect it,

"I will be there.

"When you're in the shower...

(shower running)

(gasps)

Where's my chain?!

"...when you're watching TV...

(dramatic film score playing)

Where's my chain?

Even in your dreams."

Chris, I just want
to let you know,

I hate everybody else,
but I love you.

Will you get me a soda?

Yeah.

(yelps)

Where's my chain?

That's so weird.

Guys in my neighborhood
wear gold chains all the time,

You never hear about
one getting snatched.

That's because
it only happened once.

Black-on-black crime is nothing

compared to Italian-
on-Italian crime.

This may sound crazy,
but what if you

just buy one
and give it to him?

I mean, how much do gold
chains cost, anyway?

$300?!

Got any more ideas?

A bus ticket out
of town only cost $35.

CHRIS ROCK:
Since I couldn't afford
to buy a chain,

I avoided Malvo
to buy some time.

* Dooby do, run, run, run

* Dooby do,
run, run, run *

* Dooby do

* Dooby do,
don't spend a dime... *

I took every train.

* Dooby do, run, run, run

* Dooby do...

I took every bus.

* ...like we used to do

* Dooby do, run, run, run

No matter how hard I tried
to avoid Malvo,

he always seemed to be around.

*

If I could've, I would've taken
a underground railroad.

(gasps)
Is you running
to the north?

No, I'm running from Malvo.

Malvo? You'd a been
better off a slave.

Get on, now, and remember--
you ain't seen nothing.

To get the truth about
my father's credit card,

my mother went straight
to the source-- her friends.

Credit card?
Yep.

And you didn't know
anything about it?

Nope.
Mm-hmm.

I know this one woman who caught
her man lying about his height.

His height?
His height?

His height.
Yeah. He had shoe lifts.

(laughs)

Turns out, he had
a whole other family.

That's all my mother
needed to hear.

(Latin music playing)

(speaking Spanish)

So are you gonna
ask him about it?

What would she do that for?

Uh-uh.
Don't you ask him nothing.

Just wait. See
what he does.

You've got to be surreptitious

If he is waiting on
that credit card, give him

a couple of days.

He'll start looking for it.

Tonya, get off the phone
and come eat.

Back at home, my mother
wasn't the only one

doing undercover work.

Boy, what you think
this is, a stickup?

Take off that hat
and take off

those glasses and act like
you sitting at the table.

Who were you talking to?

I wasn't talking.
I was trying to see

if I could to win tickets
to see Billy Ocean.

I don't know why you keep
calling-- you're not gonna win.

I hope you win,

'cause I can't
afford to buy them.

No, who knows where
we would get the money from.

I know
that's right.
Too bad we

don't have a credit card...

I am not getting
a credit card

so we can buy
some concert tickets.

So you're saying you don't
want a credit card?

That's right.
Mmm.

I wish I could've told

my father what was going on.

Run, Daddy! Run!

She's being
surreptitious!

Oh, baby, well, I hope
you win those tickets

because we sure are not

gonna buy them
with a credit card.

Pass the syrup.

I was so good
at sneaking around,

I thought about
joining the CIA.

Hey!

Or maybe the D.O.A.

I got a question for
you boy. What is today?

Uh... Wednesday?

Nah. Today is two days after
the day before yesterday.

Malvo was an idiot savant--

98% idiot,
two percent savant.

So the question is,
where's my chain?

I don't have the
money for a chain,

and I don't know
where to get one.

They're generally
found around necks.

Well, maybe I can get
you something else.

Nah. I want a chain.

You know why?
No .

Two reasons. A, since
my most recent parole,

I'm limiting myself
to Class A misdemeanors

and three, nobody
needs a chain.

So I'm actually
doing people a favor

by taking things
that they don't need.

You could argue with his math,

but not with his logic.

All right, I'll get you one.

Oh, I know you will,

or else I'm gonna
have to commit

a Class B misdemeanor on you,
and you don't want that.

He was right, considering
a class B misdemeanor

is cockfighting.

Look, I know you don't want to
do it, but you got no choice.

You're gonna have
to snatch a chain.

You know what my parents'd do
to me if they found out I was

a chain snatcher?
So what about Malvo?

You just going to go back
to him tomorrow and say,

"I don't know where you're
getting your chain from,

but you're not
getting it from me"?

I can't do this.

I don't know anything
about chain snatching.

What's there to know?

The directions are
on the title.

You see a chain,
you snatch it.

I couldn't help but think, if
I did actually snatch a chain,

something would go wrong.

Freeze! FBI!
Show me your hands!

Get on your knees now!

We got you now,
you little chain snatcher.

Frisk him!
Make sure he got

no chains on him.

You want to get away?
Don't try to move.

A jury of your peers has found
you guilty of chain snatching.

I sentence you to death
by electric chair.

Boy, I ought to beat
the legs off of you!

You better take him
to the chair!

(sobbing)

Did the governor call, yet?

No, my man, but check this out.

I gotta pick
my brother up at 12:00,

so if you really don't mind,

why don't we just go ahead
and do this, all right?

(shrieking)

Better him than me.

(kicking,
stomping,
groaning)

Feels good to be right
for a change.

CHRIS ROCK:
When surreptition didn't work,
my mother tried confrontation.

Hello.

Hey, baby.

You must think I'm stupid.

Oh, yeah. Rochelle is just...

an idiot!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

She don't know what
goes on in this house.

And I damn sure

ain't going
to tell her.

Is that what you tell your
little Puerto Rican mami?

Huh? And all your little ninos?

Did you take them
on vacation and buy

45 cent worth of this?

$1.49 worth of that?

With your credit card?!

A credit card?

Your credit card.

Oh, yeah. Be a man
about it, Julius!

It's got your name on it.

Oh! Oh! And you know what
else it says, Julius?

It says "Cardholder

since 1970"!

That means that
for 15 years,

you've been hiding this from me!

So what do you have

to say for yourself, Julius?

Don't you say another word!

¿Comprende, papi?!

Oh, you been
hiding a credit card.

What else
are you hiding?

Oh. Is Julius really your name?

Oh, maybe you're
the Green River Killer?

Do you know where
Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

Who shot Kennedy?

For all I know,

you could be Batman!

I am not Batman.

I'm Batman.

Julius,
I need to know the truth.

You can't handle the truth!

Rochelle, I couldn't
tell you about it.

Why not?! Do you know how many
times we could have used it?!

That's why I couldn't
tell you about it.

I didn't want
another bill, baby.

Oh. Okay, Mr. Responsibility,
Mr. Fiscally Conservative,

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide

Things From His Wife,

answer this for me:

since you're
so against credit cards,

why do you have one?

Ask your friends
at the beauty shop.

Why do you keep calling
that station, Tonya?

You're not
going to win.

Why don't you
just quit?
Shut up.

(phone ringing)
Oh, it's ringing!

Tonya wasn't just waiting
for concert tickets.

She was waiting
for Billy Ocean tickets.

And she would wait
as long as it took.

Dang, girl, you still trying
to get Billy Ocean tickets?

Yeah. He's opening
for Usher at the Beacon.

Hello.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Hey. You're caller number 97.

Sorry, baby.

You're caller number 98!

WOMAN:
Oh! Oh! You playing!
You playing!

Told you.

Are you playing me?
I'm going to see Billy Ocean!

Am I really going
to see Billy Ocean?

Come on, man. Don't be playing.

Dad, do you
have a minute?

Sure. What is it?

Well, you know
my friend Greg?

He has a problem.
I want to help him.

What kind of problem?

Well, there's this guy
who wants him to snatch

a chain for him.

Snatch a chain?

That's stealing.

People work hard
for what they have.

Thief, murderer--

it's all the same in my book.

Right. Which is why
he doesn't want to do it.

But, if he doesn't, the guy
is going to beat him up.

But, if he does,
he's going to go to jail.

He's going
to get beat up anyway.

So he can get beat up
for breaki the law,

or beat up
for not breaking the law.

But, at least,
if he doesn't break the law,

the other guy will go to jail,
and he'll get beat up instead.

Huh?

So should he snatch the chain
or not snatch the chain?

Not snatch the chain.

Why didn't you just say that?

Oh. Thanks.

I'll tell Greg
what you said.

Why didn't Greg
ask his own father for help?

'Cause he didn't know
what he was going to do.

Well, tell him
don't do nothing stupid.

Okay.

Drew didn't know
what it felt like to lose,

but he hated the way
it looked on Tonya.

Give me the phone.

(phone ringing)

ANNOUNCER:
Hey. What's your name?

Tonya.

Tonya. Hey, I'm sorry
to tell you this, baby,

but you're caller number 98!

You're going to see Billy Ocean!
(Tonya screaming)

Drew was so lucky,

one time a horse tried to take
his shoe for good luck.

Meanwhile, when my mother
was upset with my father,

she would do everything mad,
like mad-folding...

Lying to me 15 years!

Hiding a credit card!

And mad-cooking...

Got some woman spending money
I'm supposed to be spending!

And mad-sleeping...

Buying somebody else
real leather...

Letting the storm subside
wasn't working,

so my father had to walk
into the eye of the hurricane.

Rochelle, I don't
want you be mad at me.

Hah! Should have thought
about that 15 years ago.

Why am I always
the last to know?

Here I am, worried about where
you are, what you're doing,

and who you're
doing it with.

You're supposed to be my man.

You turn out
being The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

I can explain.

Look, 15 years ago, I was
flat broke and needed money.

That's no different
than 15 seconds ago.

Mm-hmm.

The department store
was giving these things away.

Hah! Really? Did they give you
tips on where to hide it?

I bought one thing, and it took
seven years to pay off.

What about the other
eight years, Julius?

Every time I tried
to cancel the card,

they just sent me a new one
and raised the limit.

Okay, Mr. A+ on your FICA score,

what did you buy
that was so important

that I had to wait 15 years
to find out about?!

Your wedding ring.

For the first time in 15 years,

my father got my mother
to shut up.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you.

Here's what
he really wanted to say:

Hah! In your face!

You wrong, you wrong,
you wrong and I am right!

Uh!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah!

I'm right, I'm right,
I'm right, I'm right,

I'm right,
I'm right,
I'm right!

And, out on the street,

I had finally
gotten my nerve up.

You got my chain?

No.

I'm not getting you one either.

Boy, you think
I'm playing with you?! Huh?!

Let him go.

Who you supposed
to be?

Dad, it's okay.

Dad?

He wasn't surprised
that was my father.

That was just the first
father he had ever seen.

So I'm supposed to be afraid
'cause you brought

your daddy out here?

No, you're supposed
to be scared because,

if you ever put your hands
on my son again,

you ain't going to jail.

I'm going to jail.

What you going to do?

You'll find out what
I'm going to do.

You think I'm playing?

When you're in the shower,
I'm going to be there.

(screams)

You think I'm playing?

When you're watching TV,
I'm going to be there.

Think I'm playing?

Even in your dreams,
I'm going to be there.

Mr. Malvo, you're free to go.

Case dismissed.

What I tell you, dude? Hey!

You think I'm playing?

Yeah. That's all right.

It's going
to be all right!

You lucky
I don't know my daddy.

That was the slogan
for the Bed-Stuy Boys' Club.

Dad, how did you know I was
talking about me and not Greg?

Chris, white kids
don't snatch chains.

Lucky for me, snatching chains
was fading out.

Unfortunately, it was
replaced by a new crime...

carjacking.

Vanessa, look out!

Man, you owe me a car!

(sighs)

* Everybody hates Chris. *

* Oh... make it funky now!