Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 14 - Everybody Hates the Substitute - full transcript

CHRIS ROCK:
Most days at school

were usually the same.

I got there at the same time,

I saw the same kids.
Hey, Chris.

Hey, Greg.

Hey, Ebony.

Ivory.

And I took the same classes
with the same teachers.

So did you hear?

Ms. Morello's gonna be gone for,
like, two or three weeks.

What?



Yeah. She went
on a trip to Africa

to help fight off an outbreak
of yellow fever.

It was more like she went
to Harlem to fight off

an outbreak of jungle fever.

(disco music playing)

* Get your groove on,
get your groove on *

* Come on...

With Ms. Morello gone,

we had every kind of substitute
imaginable.

We had out-of-work actors...

(melodramatically):
"To be... or not to be.

That... is the question."

...we had out-of-work
dancers...

Can one of you kids get that
bucket of water



and throw it on me?

...and, sometimes, we had
out-of-work teachers.

Enjoy this while you still can,

'cause, believe me, it's all
downhill from here.

We'd had just about every type
of sub we could think of...

(man clears throat)

...except one-- a black sub.

Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.

More like Mr. Tibbs.

What's your name?

Joey Caruso.

And you're making fun of
me because I'm black?

Yeah, you big dummy.

He does it
to me every day.

No, sir.

Sounds like it to me.

Sorry.

If you want to make fun
of me, fine.

But make fun of me for what
I do, not how I look.

You don't see me
making fun of you

because you look like
a Brooklyn Beach
Barney Rubble.

(laughing)

No, sir.

This black sub is
a bad mother...
* Shut your mouth!

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
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And the stock market crashed.

It was unprecedented.

Can you imagine putting all
your money in a piggy bank,

and then one day it's gone?

It was nice to have another
black person at school

who wasn't asked
to carry a mop.

For once, I thought I'd have it
better than everybody else.

Gregory, A-minus. Stellar.

Yes!

Donald, C-plus.
You're getting there.

Hold on a second.

What is this?

B-minus! All right!

You're happy
with this grade?

I usually don't do
this well in math.

Really?

Do you know who Sam Graddy is?

No.

Sam Graddy finished second
behind Carl Lewis

in the 100-meter dash
at the Summer Olympics.

So?

Sam Graddy is

the second-fastest man alive

and it doesn't mean
a damn thing.

Sam Graddy doesn't have
a Wheaties box,

no shoe endorsement, no Sam
Graddy running shorts;

not even a pair
of Sam Graddy socks.

Sam Graddy couldn't even
get his own name

on his driver's license.

They gave him one that
says "Carl Lewis."

B-minus. Huh.

Wait, what
are you doing?

B-minus... F.

All the same.

No, no, no, it's not.

One's a pass and one's a fail.

Not for you.

You think I'm sitting here
because of making B-minuses?

No, I think you're sitting here
because my real teacher is gone.

You getting smart?

Is that a trick question?

He's got a gun.

My resume.

Harvard, Stanford, Oxford.

Mumford.

So if you're so smart, why are
you still substitute teaching?

Because, every now and then,
I need someone who needs me.

And, Chris, that
someone is you.

Starting tomorrow,
I'm going to get
some brains

into that head of yours.

And I'm going to put a brick
upside that head of yours.

You keep that resume
as a reminder.

Oh, hey, I forgot my test.

Oh, C. Way to go.

I guess that was his way

of keeping the white man down.

Nothing made Drew unwind better
than watching hockey,

and nothing could wind him up

quicker than Tonya.

I'm watching hockey.

Simon and Simon
is on.

Well, too bad.
I was here first.

Stop.

Ma, Drew hit me!

What are you talking about?

I barely touched you.

What is going on in here?

Drew hit me.

Did you hit your sister?

No, Ma,

I was watching
the hockey game and...

I don't care what
game you were watching?

I'm raising men in this house,
and men do not hit women.

That meant you
couldn't hit a girl

even if you were supposed
to hit her.

(bell dings)

You better not
hit that girl.

Well, since you feel the need
to hit on people,

I better not see you watching
TV for the next three days.

Now just go

take your butt upstairs.

And with that, Tonya learned
the magic words.

She could do anything
she wanted,

as long as it was followed
by "Drew hit me."

TONYA:
Ma!
What's going on in here?

I'm trying to take
Drew's sock and he hit me.

Boy, you better
give her your sock.

Ma!
What is going on in here?

I was trying to take
Drew's breakfast and he hit me.

Boy, you better give
her your breakfast.

Ma!
What is going on in here?

I'm trying to break Drew's arm
and he hit me.

Boy, you better let
her break your arm.

Ow! Ow!
(bone cracking)

Every time we saw
Mr. Omar

he wanted to borrow something.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Oh, hey, Mr. Julius.

Can I help you?

Well, you know, I was about
to go and use the pay phone

to make a phone call,

but since you're home, I might
as well use your phone.

What happened to your phone?

To tell you the truth,
I don't know.

I do.

If he's not going to talk to me,

he's not going to talk
to anybody.

He's lucky she didn't work
for the electric company.

It's not a long-distance
call, is it?

Oh, no, it's local.

Yeah, all right, go ahead.

Thank you-- you a
gentleman and a scholar.

Tell one of the kids
to let you out.

While Mr. Omar was dialing
his number,

I was trying to make sense
of Mr. Newton's numbers.

Chris, algebraic equations
use mathematical statements

to describe the relationship
between things

that vary over time.

Like, X means I'm confused.

I still don't understand.

Exactly.

That's algebra-- the math
of the unknown.

Well, I must be doing great,
because I don't know it.

Algebra wasn't the only thing
I didn't know.

And everything I didn't know,
he was determined to teach me.

He taught me language...

Veni, vidi, vici--
"I came, I saw, I conquered."

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo--
catch a tiger by the toe.

He taught me history.

The Vitruvian Man.

The hangman. Pick a letter.

He taught me science.

Your turn.

Got anything bigger?

Please don't kill me in the
name of science-- ribbet!

Is a B-minus all right?!

No, sir!

Do you want to learn?!
Yes, sir!

Do you want to quit?!

No, sir!

You want to go
to another school?!
No, sir!

Why?!

'Cause I have no other
place to go!

Then you better answer
my question:

What's A squared plus B squared?

C squared.

I can't hear you!

C squared...

(sobbing):
Its C squared.

That's right.

That's what I'm
talking about.

That was the worst wet T-shirt
contest ever.

Hey, man, what's
going on with you?

You look a mess.

And how long is he going
to make you wear that shirt?

I don't know.

Probably until I get an
A or until he leaves.

Well, he's only got about
another week.

Class...

I just wanted
to let you all know

that I've accepted a permanent
position here at Corleone.

And that position is
in my behind.

Ma, Drew's watching TV.

Didn't I tell you
no TV?

I was reading.
I didn't even turn it on.

I don't care who turned it on.

Now go to your room.

Tonya got more people
in trouble

than a white girl
at an NBA after-party.

(giggling)

(phone ringing)

My father already had two jobs
when he took on a third--

Mr. Omar's receptionist.

Hello.

Mr. Omar?

Yeah, I guess I can
get him for you.

Hold on.

Back at school, I was
holding on, too.

Just a reminder that, next week,
I will be conducting

practice exams
for the statewide

scholastic test.

The exam he's talking about
was critically important.

This exam is
critically important.

This exam is
critically important.

So I advise all of you
to study hard.

Especially you, Chris.

(bell ringing)

Man, I can't believe this.

The guy's going to kill me.

It's not like I didn't
have it bad enough

coming to this school from
the other side of town,

having the kids kick
the crap out of me.

But now the teacher's going
to kick the crap out of me, too.

Quit complaining, Kareem.
I love this guy.

I didn't like him at first

because of
the whole black thing,

but I'm doing better
at math now.

And the things he taught me
about jazz, forget about it.

Chris, may I have
a word with you?

Yes, sir.

This upcoming test

is a measure of your overall
abilities as a student.

And if you don't score in
the 90th percentile,

I'm going to recommend that
you repeat eighth grade.

What?!
You can't do that.

I can and I will.

Are you serious?

As a catastrophic cardiac
infarction.

Stop showing off--
just say heart attack.

I don't know how I'm going to do
it, but this guy's got to go.

Maybe you could score
in the 90th percentile

and he'll have a catastrophic
cardiac infarction.

Stop showing off.

Just say "heart attack."

He fell down the elevator shaft?

Tragic.

Excuse me, Mr. Omar.

Hold on, Mr. Julius.

Oh, he wanted to hold on,
all right.

I'm holding on now.

Now, who you gonna call, huh?

OMAR (choking):
Let go.

Tragic.
(laughing):
Yeah.

Tragic...

I need to make a call.

I'm almost off.

He better be,
because it's almost on.

(laughing):
No.

That's what he here for.

For the next few days,
all I did was study

for that test
and try to figure out a way

to get rid of Mr. Newton.

I could call the feds

and say Mr. Newton was working
for the Mob.

(engine revving,
tires screeching)

There he is.
Come on, get him.

Let's move.
(tires screeching)

I could call the Mob

and say Mr. Newton was working
for the feds.

(tires screeching)

Come with us!
Get in!

Or I could call his wife

and say he had a white woman
on the side.

There she is! Get her!

No!

(tires screeching)

One way or another,
he had to go.

What's up
with you, man?

You been looking
kind of tired lately.

Let me ask you
a question.

How do you get
rid of somebody

that's been giving
you problems?

Now, when you say "get rid of,"

do you mean
get "rid" of "rid of,"

or just rid of?

Just get rid of.

He has a job, and I don't
want him to have it.

Boy, you better watch
what you're talking about, boy!

You make a mistake, boy--

You want to talk about this
first, or what?!

I didn't touch you.

It's my substitute
teacher.

Oh. Oh... Well, then,
in that case,

what do you
know about him?

Well, mostly... just this.

What is this?

His resume.

While the ghetto Rambo worked
with me,

the ghetto Gretzky
worked on my ma.

Hey, Ma, can I
watch the big game?

No. You should
have thought about that

before you
hit your sister.

Ma, I didn't hit her.

What do you call it then?

She was trying
to take the remote away,

and I just tapped her
on the wrist.

So you hit her.

I guess.

Just a little.
But she started it.

That does not matter, Drew.

You do not hit girls.

Bottom line,

do you understand me?

My mother ruined any chance

Drew had of becoming a pimp.

Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Okay.

Now go watch
your hockey game.

Thanks, Ma.

"Corleone Junior High School
letter of resignation."

Do you think this will work?

Of course it'll work,
or my name ain't Monk.

His name's not Monk.

His name was Jimmy.

Since I was tired
of taking the heat from Newton,

the best thing to do
was get him fired.

All it took
was a simple equation:

"A" plus "B" equals "See ya!"

(laughing)

No! No!

Oh, I love talking
to you, too.

Oh, yeah, call me
anytime-- anytime.

All right.
All right, now.

(chuckling)

Hey, listen.

If Mrs. Perkins calls,
just say I'm not home.

You're not.

You're on it.

(laughing)

You don't miss a thing,
Mr. Julius.

You ready for the test?

As ready as
I'll ever be.

Especially
if I don't have to take it.

Ms. Morello!

Oh, Chris,
you're still here!

I was so afraid the system would
have brought you down by now.

We thought you
were in Africa.

I was, but there
was a civil war.

A war?

Fortunately, they found a way

for all the white people
to get out.

Same thing happened
in New Orleans.

Chris, I love your shirt.

What does
it stand for?

B-minus.

Oh! B-minus.

I love that black street slang.

So what else

did I miss around here?

Well, we were
supposed to

have a practice test
on the statewide exam today.

Oh, forget about that test.

I want to show you the gifts
I brought back.

GREG:
Gifts?

For you, I brought
back a shield

and a spear.

What did you get me?

What is that?

It's a bone.

For your nose, silly.

By the way,

do you know a guy named Induku?

Actually, I did,
but I didn't want

to give her the satisfaction.

At home, Drew was trying
to watch hockey,

and wishing that Tonya
would just shut the puck up.

I want to watch Airwolf.

Mom said I could
watch hockey.

Mom, Drew hit me again!

No, he didn't.

But he was going to.

Oh, he's not the only one.

Upstairs.

We need to talk.

My mother said
boys couldn't hit girls,

but she could.

Turn that up.

ANNOUNCER:
In front, all alone! He shoots!
Scores!

(ringing)

Hello.

Who?

Miz Perkins?

What?

Mr. Omar.

Where?

He's upstairs.

Yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

¿Como estas?

Muy bien.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

You know, Mr. Julius,

you didn't
have to do that.

If you didn't want me
to use your phone,

why didn't
you just say so?

Sorry.

Sorry?

That was just
wrong, man.

You sorry...

The bald cut is sorry.

Mr. Omar learned what
dope dealers knew for years:

If you want to keep
your business to yourself,

use a pay phone.

(knocking on door)

Mr. Newton.

What are you doing here?

I came to give you
your practice exam.

I don't have to take that test.

Or let you in.

You're not my teacher anymore.

Remember? You quit.

How do you know I quit?

May I help you?

Don't help him. Help me!

I'm sorry. I'm Mr. Newton.

I've been Chris'
substitute teacher
the past few weeks.

Oh, that's right, yeah.

Chris has said
a lot about you.

Is there a problem?

Yeah, woman.
A crazy man is trying

to give me a test at home.

Not at all.

I've been preparing Chris
for a practice test,

and I wasn't able
to give him the exam before...

Before I got rid
of your crazy ass.

...before I left Corleone.

I just want
to make sure he's ready.

Well, why are you doing this?

I think Chris
is a smart kid,

but I think
he can do better.

Ma?
Better get in there
and take that test.

Mm! Nice satchel.

It's real leather.

Really?

So, the most remarkable
thing happened today.

What's that?

I got a job offer from Lamont

Sanford Junior high.

Oh! Well, that's good.

Funny thing is,

I never applied for a job
at Lamont Sanford.

Well, maybe they heard about you
through the grapevine.

(chuckles)

Hey, you wouldn't happen

to still have that copy
of my resume

that I gave you?

Uh... No.

You know what?
I probably lost it.

Oh, yeah... you lost it.

(quiet laugh)

You ready?

Yeah.

Remember Sam Graddy.

You have one hour, starting

now.

Although I didn't want
Mr. Newton as my teacher,

I knew somebody
that would appreciate him.

Pencil down.

So, how did he do?

I'll let you know
in a minute.

I didn't know how I scored,

but I knew Carl Lewis
didn't beat me.

92, Chris. That's an "A."

Oh, baby, that's great!

I knew you could do it.

No, she didn't.

Congratulations, Chris.

Thanks, but it doesn't
make any difference.

I mean,
it doesn't count.

Yes, it does.

Mr. Newton wore me down,

but he was one of the first
teachers I'd ever had

that expected me to do better,
not worse.

The next time I saw Mr. Newton,
he was excited to see me.

Get off me!

Hey, what happened?

Let me have a quarter.

Teacher got shot, man.

(siren wailing)

You! You did this to me!

I didn't know
you were going to get shot.

You sent me to this hellhole!

This is your fault!

Oh, you just going
to stand there?!

I know where you live!

I tried to teach you!

I tried to help...
get your hands off of...

I know who
your people is!

Tried to help you!

* Everybody hates Chris.