Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 15 - Everybody Hates Cutting School - full transcript

Chris and Greg cut school to see "Ghostbusters", but they run into Ms. Morello at the movies. Julius spends an agonizing day at the DMV trying to get his license renewed. Rochelle volunteers at a book fair at Drew and Toyna's school with disastrous results.

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was 14,

it seemed like
all I did was work.

I worked at school.

* We're not scared
to lose at all *

* Security throw
through the wall *

"Four score and seven years ago,
our forefathers

"brought forth from this
continent a new nation,

"conceived in liberty and
dedicated to the proposition

that all men are created equal."

I worked at home.

* Unless we're clinging
to the things we prize *



* And do you feel scared?
I do *

Sometimes I even
went sleep-working.

* And if we threw it all away

* Things can only get better

But the one thing I always did
for fun was go to the movies.

Man, did you see Purple Rain?

Yes!

"Why don't you stay awhile,
see how it's done?"

Man, did you see Rambo?

Yeah.

"Do we get to win
this time, sir?"

Man, did you see
Beverly Hills Cop?

"Here, why don't you go
ahead and take this banana?"

The one big movie I missed
was Ghostbusters.



"I got slimed."

"Man, that chick is toast."

Are they still talking
about Ghostbusters?

Yeah. It's only the biggest
movie out this year.

I can't believe
you haven't seen it.

Have you seen it?
No.

Well, then what are
you talking about?

I thought you
saw everything.

I kept missing it.

Now the only place
it's still playing

is the dollar theater.

But popcorn still
cost eight bucks.

And this is the last week.

Maybe we can
catch it on Saturday.

It leaves Thursday.
Forget it.

We'll just have
to see it

when it comes out on
video in four years.

Back then, that was quick.

I'm not waiting four years.

Class...

I just want to let you know
that I won't be here tomorrow

because I have
a funeral to attend.

Who died?

My sister.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Chris.

It's hard because I don't have

19 or 20 other siblings
like you.

What'd she die of?

She died of a bad case
of grammar.

Watch those prepositions.

Greg, you know what?

I think we can go
see this movie.

Well, how are we
going to do that?

Cut school.

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

* Aw, make it funky now!

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK:
In my neighborhood,

most kids' parents
didn't get involved at school,

so whenever my mother
had the time, she would.

I'm coming up
to your school tomorrow

to help out with the book fair.

Are you going to help
at my bookmark table?

I'll try, baby.

When are you coming?

Around 9:00. Why?

Oh... nothing.

No "nothing." What's wrong?

Well, I just don't want you

calling me "sweetie"
and stuff like that.

Last time you came,

people made fun
of me for a week.

Why don't you just
call him Joe Rockhead?

That's what all
my friends call him.

That's 'cause your friends
smell like hot toilet bowls.

You smell like underarm
and booty crack.
Hey, stop it.

We're eating.

Well, don't worry, Drew.

I won't do anything
to embarrass you.

Thank you, Mom.

Because I was planning
to cut school,

I was acting guiltier

than Michael Richards
at an NAACP meeting.

Chris, when can I come
up to your school?

Not tomorrow.

Um, not tomorrow.

Nothing's going on,
anyway.
I wasn't asking
about tomorrow.

Just in general.

I know, I'm just saying

that nothing's
going on tomorrow.

What, are you embarrassed
about me, too?

No, I'm not embarrassed.
Then what's
your problem?

I don't have a problem.
Then why can't I
come up to your school?

You can come up to the school,
just not tomorrow.

Well, what's the big deal
about tomorrow?

Nothing-- that's what I've
been trying to tell you.

That's not what I asked you.

I know, I'm just saying that
tomorrow nothing's going on.

Then why are you making
a federal case out of it?

I'm not.
You are.

Mom, when you can come up to
the school, I'll let you know.

Okay.
Okay.

That went well.

Okay, um...

Daddy, can you come up
to our school, too?

No, baby, I have to renew
my driver's license tomorrow.

Baby, I thought you
did that already.

Mm-mm.
A new license costs 17.50.

And I'm not giving them people
my money until I have to.

My father waited until
the last possible moment

to pay for everything--
and I mean everything.

Your meter's only
got a minute left.

When that quarter runs out,
I'll put in this one.

Baby, you're almost out of gas.

When that gas runs out,
I'll put in some new gas.

(straining loudly)
Push.

(straining)
Push.

Julius, would you just
pay the man, please?!

Push.

When the baby's all the way out,
I'll give him all the money.

(screaming)

(baby crying)

Well, you better
get up there early

'cause you know
how those lines are.

Yeah, I'm going to be there
when the door opens.

I'm going to take my picture,
pay my 17.50

and be back home by 9:00.

While my father
was trying to cut costs,

I was trying to cut class.

Man, this is going
to be so cool.

Wait, you never
cut school before?

I've had perfect attendance
since kindergarten.

Well, listen, if you don't
want to do this, I understand.

I wouldn't want
to mess up your record.

Nah, it's cool.

Who knew that in the future
this one unexplained absence

would keep Greg
from getting into Harvard?

If we get caught, I can just
say it was your fault.

Same thing happened
to Colin Powell.

The only thing I'm worried about
is, what if people miss us?

Like who?

They only person
that'll miss you is me.

The only person that'll
miss me is you.

Things aren't
much different now.

What about when
they take attendance?

Oh, I got Pedro to cover for us.

Chris.
Aqui.

Meanwhile, my father
was there bright and early

to beat the line at the DMV.

Too late.

Hey, where do you
think you're going?

I'm going to renew my license.

Well, get in line.

This is the line to renew
your driver's license?

No, this is the line
for tickets

to see Scritti Politti.

Yeah, this is the line.

Man, all these people.

I thought I was gonna be
out of here in an hour.

Ha! Try three.

Make that three and a half.

While my father
was getting in line,

my mother was about
to get out of line.

Well, Rochelle,
all I need you to do
is to help the children

pick out a book, and
then send them to the
front to pay for it.

That's it?

That's it. I have everything
else under control.

No, you don't.

I could've stayed
at home for this.

Back at school
it was lunchtime.

Today's special
was "Running Like Hell."

You ready?
Ready.

All right, now just be cool
and keep walking.

My biggest worry at this point

was that the cops would think
I was chasing Greg.

CHRIS ROCK:
While we were cutting class,

Greg was sweating like
Lil Kim in Sunday School.

You think they
know we're gone?

The only one that would even
notice is Caruso.

He can just beat
somebody else up.

What's that?

I was up all night

packing for everything
we might need.

I've got peanut butter
sandwiches

in case we get hungry,

I've got some wet naps
in case we get sticky

from the peanut
butter sandwiches,

I brought a compass
in case we get lost,

some extra water,
Rolaids, aspirin,

a traveling
toothbrush...

Greg, we're going to the movies,
not Gilligan's Island.

If we did, Greg would
have got with Mrs. Howell.

Hold on.

For my "cutting school"
scrapbook.

Smile.

Greg saw that picture
on eBay last week for $500.

Only problem with my mother
helping at a book fair

was she didn't read books
.and she wasn't fair.

Girl, does your mother
know you're over here

reading grown-up books?

Give me that.

Flowers in the Attic.

Now that sounds nice.
Read that.

You done lost your
Jackie Collins mind.

And don't cut your
eyes at me, either.

Boy, don't you know you are
too big for a coloring book?

White kids your age

are building sculptures by now
and you're over here

trying to stay inside the lines.

Come on, Picasso.

Get to chippin'.

Come on. Chip on.

Chip, chip, chip.
Chip, chip, chip.

You shouldn't be embarrassed
that your boy only has

a fifth grade
reading level.

You should be
embarrassed that he's 27.

He should be reading
War and Peace,

not Horton Hears a Who.

Here. Here you go.

Hey, baby,
how's it going?

(girls giggling)
Mom...

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

I didn't mean
to call you "baby."
Mom!

Honey, I...
Mom, just be quiet.

What are y'all laughing at,
with your hoop earrings on?

Let's see if your
mother's giggling

when you're bringing
home babies.

(giggles mockingly):
Who's laughing now, huh?

It ain't funny no more, is it?

Come on over here, girl.
Buy some lemonade.

It's good.
My baby made it.

The line was getting shorter,

and so was
my father's patience.

What?!

You'd think they were married.

May I help you?

You got people out here.
You can't just go to lunch.

People have
stuff to do.

Then why don't you
come back another day?

Because my license
expires today.

Well, then I guess you're
just gonna have to wait.

And don't bang
on this door again.

She's lucky he didn't
bang on her head.

The weirdest thing about being
out of school on a school day

was plain and simple:
no kids.

This feels strange,
like everyone's staring at us.

Almost like being a black kid
at an all-white school?

Enjoy the show.

Um, two tickets
for Ghostbusters, please?

Two dollars.

Why aren't you kids in school?

(chuckles):
Uh... see, it's, uh...

Uh...

It's a black, uh... holiday.

Yeah.

Yeah? Which one?

Yeah, Chris,

which one?

Uh...

The Autobiography...

of Miss Jane Pittman Day.

Hm.

Great woman.

She was a credit to your race.

And Howdy Doody's
a credit to yours.

What are you doing here?

I'm an octoroon.

In that case,
only one-eighth of him

should be off from school.

Okay. Enjoy the show.

Happy holidays.

If I made it past this guy,
I would finally get to see

Ernie Hudson's best work.

Meanwhile, at the DMV,

my father was playing
the waiting game,

and he was losing.

MAN (over speaker):
126, window "A."

37, "D."

37, "D."

42, window "F."

Number 25?

Anyone in line
to take the driver's test,

the line forms outside...

Can I help you?

Yes, you can help me.

I'm here to renew my license.

WOMAN:
Number 127, window "F."

127, window "F."

This license is expired.

No, it's not.

It expires today.

It expired today at 10:00 a.m.

It is almost 2:00.

Yeah, but I been standing
in line since 7:45 a.m.

Are you one of those people
that likes to wait

until the last minute to pay?

No, I'm one of those people
who likes to wait

until the last four hours
and 15 minutes to pay!

Would you like a dime so you
can call someone who cares?

I can't believe
he didn't take the dime.

Please, can't I just give you
my money and go?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Right after you take
your written test.

Wha...? I've been driving
for over 20 years.

I know the rules of the road.

My father knew the rules

of the road,
but they were his rules.

In a construction zone,
you speed up.

When pedestrians are entering
the crosswalk...

(screams)
(horn honks)

...speed up.

At a railroad crossing,
you really speed up.

In the meantime, my mother
decided to give Tonya

a lesson in making
the hard sell.

Hey. What's wrong, baby?

Nobody's buying
my bookmarks.

So what, you're just gonna
sit here and mope?

I don't know
what else to do.

Well, these bookmarks
ain't gonna sell themselves.

Especially because you can use

any piece of paper for free.
If people ain't coming
to the bookmarks,

you take the bookmarks
to the people-- take that side.

Lift it higher, girl.

That was a bigger fire hazard

than pyrotechnics
at a Great White concert.

Hey, girl, you got a bookmark?

No, thank you, I don't need one.

Oh, okay, Miss Evelyn Wood.

I guess you're just
gonna speed-read

through the whole book.

And who are you?

Oh, who are you?
With your magic book

that just stays open
to whatever page
you leave it on.

Excuse me, I got to go.

Girl, you need to go
with your cheap behind.

You can't spend 25 cents
on a bookmark?

Did you spend
all your money on cookies?

No! I did not spend

my money on cookies, if
it's any business of yours.

I bought a book.

Oh, really?
What's it about,
crushing dreams?

'Cause that's exactly
what you're doing.

Fine! I'll take one.

Thank you. Here you go.

Bye.

Lay off the cookies.

(panicked screaming, clamoring)

(growling)

(laughter)

I wonder what they're
doing at school.

Feeling like suckers.

On behalf of the Corleone
Junior High students

I'd like to welcome
a very special guest--

(music starts)
Earth, Wind & Fire!

(students cheering)

Yeah, suckers!

WOMAN:
Shh!
Yeah.

Excuse me, can you be quiet?

Ms. Morello?

I thought you were at a funeral.

No, stupid-- she's at yours.

Chris, I'm sorry
for shushing you.

I know your people can't help
talking in the movies.

Why aren't you in school?

I wonder if she'd believe
.it was Chicken George Day.

Well, we just
finished lunch,

and we figured we'd get

a little popcorn,
and, well, now

we're on our way
back to school.

Chris, please,
don't insult my intelligence.

It's obvious you and Gregory
are playing hooky.

I don't mean to be
disrespectful, but
what are you doing here?

Well, Greg...
Hey, baby.

I got the popcorn.

You want Junior Mints
or Goobers?

I got both.
You're on a date?

Chris, we all grieve
in our own way.

Grieve? Who's grieving?

Did you go to the funeral, too?
What funeral?

So you lied
about your sister dying?

Yes.
Your sister died?

No.
How could you do that?

That's neither here nor there.

The fact is,
you shouldn't be here.

Well, I'm sorry-- I just wanted
to see this movie.

I didn't think missing one day
of school would hurt.

Chris, I know you must be
a big Ernie Hudson fan--

Thalmus is, too--

but do you think
Ernie Hudson

cut school to go see

Gary Coleman movies
while he was growing up?

Gary Coleman made a movie?

And, Greg, you should be ashamed
of yourself.

You can see a white man
in a movie anytime.

Sorry.
Come on, Greg, let's go.

Chris, wait.

Stay.
Are you serious?

Yes. But don't you ever
let me find out

you've done anything
like this again, you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

Could you not mention
that you saw me here?

Yes, ma'am.

Nice meeting you.

(laughs):
Enjoy the movie.

Yeah.

Back at the DMV,
my father was DOA.

I'm sorry, sir, you fail.

What do you mean, fail?

Let me see that!

What's wrong with this one?

Speed limit in a school
zone is 25, not 50.

Not if he's late.

Fine. I'll do it again.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm going to take the test.

You got to get in line,
get a number,

wait for that number
to be called,

proceed to my counter,
where I will give you a new exam

and then you can go
to the testing area.

I have to do this again?!

If you want a license.

WOMAN (over speaker):
Number 157, Window "B."

Good thing
she can't read minds.

42!

"It...

"was... the...

"beast of...

"times.

"It...

"was... the...

"roast...

of times."

I mean, my God, boy,
did you eat

a bowl of lead paint
for breakfast?

Go on and sit down
and let one of these

other illiterates
take a crack at it.

Excuse me, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Oh, I'm sorry,
is there a problem?

Yes. You.

MAN (over speaker):
26, window "A."

Drive safely.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Oh, you don't pay me.

That's the line to go pay.

59!

Hey, baby.
Where you been all day?

(sighs):
Getting my license.

It was horrible.

Remind me to renew early
next time.

How was it at school?

Mom got kicked out.

What?

Yeah, they called the cops
and everything.

Yeah, we had to beg for them
to let her go.

Why are you arresting me?!

You should be arresting
these teachers!

Please let my mama go!

Kids at a book fair
that can't read!

Oh, get her
out of here!
I should call Jesse Jackson!

Jesse!

(indistinct shouting)

What happened?
Those people
don't know how

to run a book fair,
that's what happened.

Chris, how was your day?

The hardest thing about having
such a great day

was pretending
it never happened.

What do you mean?

What do you mean,
what do I mean?
It's a simple question.

I know.

Okay.
Okay what?

Did anything interesting
happen in school today?

Like what?

Like I don't know.

You were there all day--
that's why I'm asking you.

Nothing happened.

Why didn't you just say that?

After getting away
with cutting school today,

I was thinking about seeing
Brewster's Millions tomorrow.

Chris, how many times
do I have to tell you

to hang up your jacket
when you come in?

WOMAN (over TV):
I am standing here
with Verdine White

of legendary R&B group
Earth, Wind & Fire,

who did an impromptu concert
today for the lucky kids

at Corleone Junior High.

Verdine, how was it?

WHITE:
It was really great.
"Ghostbusters"?

But the only sad thing, though,
I heard there was

a black kid named Chris
at the school,

but he wasn't here.

WOMAN:
Well, that's too bad for Chris.

Reporting live,
I'm Julie Lancaster at Corleone

Junior High.

Back to you, Bob, at the studio.

So nothing happened
in school today, huh?

Uh, uh...

Who you gonna call?

* Everybody hates Chris.