Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 2, Episode 13 - Everybody Hates Snow Day - full transcript

* Freeze frame!

You remembered to put an
extra pair of socks on, right?

Yes, ma'am.

WEATHERMAN (on TV):
Today in New York City,

expect a lot of snow,
and it's coming down fast.

We've had six inches reported
the last hour in Manhattan

and four inches in Park Slope.

Mom, do I have
to go to school?

I mean, it's snowing
like crazy.

(sighs)
It's snow, Chris,
not Armageddon,

Now hurry up.



You know the buses are
going to be running slow.

Go.

CHRIS ROCK:
Because my mother wanted us

to get the best education
possible,

as long as school was open,
we had to go no matter what.

Ooh, baby.

Your temperature is 103.

Can I stay home from school?

No. Just put this ice
pack under your hat.

You'll be all right.

Ooh, baby, I think
you got food poisoning.

Can I stay home
from school?

No.
Drink this ipecac.

You'll be all right.



While I was on the road,

Drew and Tonya were
on the couch.

Okay, come on,
y'all, let's go.

...and Saint Seraphim
Elementary.

In Bedford Stuyvesant,
latest school closings

include Linville Elementary,

Lamont Sanford Junior High,
and Dolemite Elementary.

(screams)
Ooh, yes!

School is closed!
Yeah!

(singsongy):
We're staying home from school.
It's cold out there.

We're staying home
from school.
What's going on?

Our school just closed.

What?
Yeah, we get
to stay home.

Yeah!
Where's Chris?

He already left.

His school's not closed?

Well, they didn't
mention it on the news.

Is he going to be all right?

Oh, I'm sure
he'll be fine, baby.

But look,
I got to go.

I left your breakfast
on the stove.

Wait. Drew and Tonya are
going to be here all day?

What? You got another home
to take them to?

I got to go,
baby, I'm late.

Love you.

Meanwhile, there were more kids
at my house

than there were at my school.

Hello?

Is anyone here?

I wouldn't put it past all
the other kids to hide from me.

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Whoa!

Man, what is wrong with you,
sneaking up on people?

Chris, what are
you doing here?

School was
cancelled today.

Since when?

They announced it
about an hour ago.

I left the house
an hour and a half ago.

Well, I suppose we should
see about getting you home.

Even though Principal Edwards
had traveled the world,

he couldn't get me
back to Brooklyn.

I'm sorry, Chris,
I can't let you go.

Why not?

Our phones are out.

You're not allowed
to leave school

without the consent
of a parent or guardian.

So you're saying
the only reason why

I can't leave
is 'cause I'm here?

That, my friend,
is a paradox.

(gong rings)

Sounds more like C-block.

Why would your mother

allow you to go out
in weather like this?

She's crazy.

She doesn't like us
to miss school.

Let's not disappoint her.

While I was getting snowed in,
back at home, the word was out.

To repeat, city buses
are experiencing delays

of up to four hours

due to closings
and hazardous conditions.

Now here's a list
of the latest school closures.

Corleone Junior High...

Daddy, look, Chris'
school is closed.

What?

DREW:
Oh, see, it says Corleone
Junior High School.

If his school is closed,
how come he hasn't called?

Maybe he got trapped
in a snowdrift

and had to eat
his own mouth to survive.

That's a thought.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get your brother.

Who's going to
stay with us?

Oh... I'll be right back.

Even though
the weather was horrible,

my mother liked riding
the subway.

Being with strangers is
a lot less stressful

than being with your family.

This is a stickup!
(screams)

Shut up!

Aw, damn.
Aw, damn.

CONDUCTOR (over speaker):
We're sorry for the sudden stop.

If you'll all remain seated,

we'll be on our way
in a few minutes.

Aw, damn!

Well?

"Well" nothing.

This is still a stickup.

(screams)

Will you be quiet?

I was the only one in school,

but Principal Edwards handled
things by the book.

He took attendance.

Caroline?

Chris?

Here.

Chris.

Eddie?

We said
the Pledge of Allegiance.

BOTH:
One nation, under God,
indivisible

with liberty
and justice for all.

Since I was the only one
in class,

he let me say
the Black Pledge of Allegiance.

BOTH:
One nation under a groove

getting down just
for the funk of it.

One nation
and we're on the move.

Nothing can stop us now.

After lunch,
we sang "Aqua Boogie."

After that, we got down
to serious business.

All right, class.

First up, I'm giving you
a quiz on Pearl Harbor.

What? Ms. Morello didn't have
a quiz planned for today.

Consider it a surprise,
just like Pearl Harbor.

Eyes on your own paper.

My father couldn't leave
Drew and Tonya home alone,

because if you pull
that Home Alone crap

in a black neighborhood,
they take away your kids.

Can I help you?

I was looking
for Mr. Omar.

Oh, hey,
Mr. Julius.

Yeah, this is my friend
Mrs. Booker.

I'm sorry about your husband.

Yeah, caught a deadly case
of botulism.

Tragic, tragic.

How did you know...

Baby, why don't you go
and put that record on for me?

(chuckles)
Okay.

Yeah, wha-- so, uh,
what can I do for you?

I need to pick
Chris up from school

and I was wondering if
you could keep an eye

on Drew and Tonya
till I get back?

Mr. Omar had another back
to keep an eye on.

Yeah, can't you get
somebody else, man?

I really need your help.

I mean, all you got to
do is check on them.

They'll be easy,
I promise.

Speaking of easy...

I don't know, man.

I'll take ten dollars
off the rent.

I'll be down in a minute.

Thank you.

Any questions?

Anyone?

Yes, Chris?

I'm the only one in the
entire city that's in school.

So, why should I have to learn
when everybody else is sitting

on their couch watching
The Price Is Right?

Chris, the true measure
of a man is not what he does

when he is being watched.

It's what he does
when he is alone.

Technically, this isn't
a real school day.

If you haven't noticed,
I'm not supposed to be here.

So why should
I take classes?

All right.

Do whatever you want.

So you're saying that if I get
up and walk out of that door,

you won't do anything
to stop me?

No.

Good-bye.

As I was storming out,

the storm outside
was picking up.

I haven't seen

a sea of white like this

since the Republican
National Convention.

Come on, in the bag!
Put it in the bag!

Get to the back!
Come on!

CHRIS:
My mother had lost her money,

but there was only
so much she could take.

Good day to rob a train, huh?

Watch your mouth!

Why?!

You done already took my money!

What else you gonna take,
my seat?

I might shoot you!

And you might go to jail!

You got six bullets

and nine passengers,

which leaves
three witnesses,

and 25 years to life!

Don't shoot her, shoot me.

Don't tell me who to shoot!

What are you,
trying to get shot?!

Shut up!

(screaming)

Will you be quiet?!

Sit down.

While my mother
was pushing her luck,

Mr. Omar was trying
to pull a fast one.

Hey, I got peanut butter
and jelly, fried bologna

and mustard,
Kool-Aid and chips.

The homeless shelter special.

Anything else?

I thought you were supposed
to be staying with us.

No, I told you father
I would check on y'all.

So I'm checking on you.
You okay?

Yeah.

All right, so
I'll be back

to check on
you again.
Mr. Omar...

Can you make me
some hot chocolate?

(sighs)

Okay. Hot chocolate it is.

Oh, Mr. Omar?

Uh-huh?
Could you please

make me some cheese toast?

Cheese toast and hot chocolate.

Okay, great.

While Mr. Omar
was stuck babysitting,

my father was just plain stuck.

(car engine starting)

(tires spinning)

Should've bought
those snow tires.

My father was willing

to brave the elements
to save his son,

but to save money,

he bought the cheapest tires
known to man.

(panting)

He's the only black out
in a whiteout.

(grunting)

With too much snow to stay
outside, I went back inside

to find crouching tiger,
hidden principal.

Principal Edwards?

(exhales)

I thought you left.

Yeah, but I came back.

Hyah!

Captain Obvious
strikes again.

Hoo-wah!

I'm sorry.

Are you really?

You did what you
wanted to do.

(grunting):
Shh-woo, yah!

Just didn't work out

the way you planned.
(exhales sharply)

It's not like I didn't want
to take my classes.

I haven't missed a day
of school all year.

I work hard.

It's just that the one day
I could spend at home relaxing,

I'm stuck here with you.

So what's the point
in doing schoolwork today?

You know what?
You're right.

I am?

Sure you are.

So what now?

Ninja lessons?

I'm sorry
about that.

Look here, if you're gonna
keep talking about getting shot,

you need to sit
over there somewhere.

I'm sorry.

I figured I didn't
have much to lose.

Why?

Yesterday was my
61st birthday

and... nobody in
my family called.

I was headed to the
Brooklyn Bridge

to jump off.

You were gonna jump off a bridge

'cause you didn't
get a phone call?

No wonder they
didn't call you.

You're selfish.

A 61-year-old gonna
jump off a bridge

'cause he didn't
get a phone call.

I wouldn't call you either.
It's too much pressure.

You don't know
anything about me.

I know you're too damn old
to be jumping off bridges.

Well, it's none of
your business anyway.

Wait a minute, you're
the one standing up
talking 'bout,

"Don't shoot her,
shoot me."

Well, then why didn't
you let him shoot me?

I'm not gonna
have people thinking

you saved my life. You ain't
nothing but a big baby.

Scarface,
whatever you do,

don't shoot him.
Oh, could you shoot me, please?

It's the only way my boss
is gonna believe this.

(long sigh)

Since we'd done a little work,

Principal Edwards decided
we could have a little fun.

(Run-DMC's "Rock Box" playing)

* For all you sucker MCs
perpetrating a fraud *

* Your rhymes are cold whack
and keep the crowd cold bored *

* You're the kind of guy
that girl a ignored *

* I'm drivin' a Caddy,
you fixin' a Ford *

* My name is Joseph Simmons,
but my middle name's Lord *

* And when I'm rockin'
on the mic *

* You should all applaud
because we're *

* Wheelin', dealin',
we got a funny feelin' *

* We rock from the floor
up the ceilin' *

* We groove it, you move it,
it has been proven *

* We calmed the savage beast
because our music is soothin' *

Back at home, Drew and Tonya
were monopolizing

all of Mr. Omar's time.

Ha! Boardwalk with a hotel.

Looks like somebody
owes me $2,000.

Oh, dang. Tragic.

Um, Mr. Omar?

How come every time
we see you with a woman,

their husband just died?

Well, that's because

I'm a funeral
director, baby.

But when the wives die,

how come you don't
make friends with the husbands?

Oh, well, men don't
need as much attention.

Man, if my wife died,

I'd be crying, sitting
at home by myself

wondering what
I'm gonna do...

how to go on.

I'd be wishing anybody
would talk to me.

Well, women are sensitive,

you know, in a different
kind of way.

Oh, I thought
that women were like

that because they
were desperate.

Roll the dice, baby.

Here you go.

Ha!
This wasn't

so bad after all.

Hey! You know,
that's a cool vase.

That's three centuries old.

Wow.

So what do all
those markings mean?

They represent honor.

They did until Paris Hilton
tattooed them on her ass.

I wanted this for my wife.

You're married?

I was.

We split up a few years ago.

She took the money

and I kept the vase.
Figures.

This vase...

changed my life.

How's that?

It taught me one
of life's great lessons.

All that we have been or done

is in the past.

Live in the now.

What?
(glass shatters, screams)

I wonder what Eastern
philosophy has to say

about crazy glue.

(woman crying)

Girl, what you crying about?

All he said was, "Be quiet."

It's not that. I just broke up
with my fiancé.

This ring looks pretty cheap.

It is cheap.

So that's why you broke
up with him? 'Cause he
doesn't have any money?

No, I broke up with him because
I want him to get a job,

but thinks he's going
to be a movie director.

Well, at least he ain't
out robbing trains.

And get this, he took my credit
card to make his last film.

Now how you gonna
make a movie
on a credit card?

What's Mr. Movie
Director's name?

Sheldon.
(laughing)

Now, how you gonna
be a movie director

with a name like Sheldon?

His friends call him Spike.

Oh, girl, that's worse.

Trust me.
You can do better

than a Black man
named Spike.

Try and find a guy
with a nice name,

like, like,
like Orenthal.

That's nice.
She later became the first

Black girl in history
to be glad she wasn't White.

The snow stopped the traffic,
but it couldn't stop Risky.

RISKY:
Julius! Julius!

Risky?

What are you doing
out here, man?

Chris is stuck at school.
I gotta get him.

Can you help me out?

Oh, sorry, no room, man.

Me and my man, Nanook,

out here trying
to make money on these

cross-country skis.

You want a pair?

How much?

You know I didn't
mean to break it.

It's okay.

It's just a vase.

A vase that changed my life.

Sometimes I wish I could
change my life.

Go places like you.

Get away from the school.

The neighborhood.

Caruso.

Doesn't work like that.

As long as you're you,
they'll always be a Caruso.

I thought about living
in Japan.

Arigato, Slappy.

In London...
Cheerio, Nipsy.

Morocco...
Asalamalakem, Flip.

So what should I do?

Just because you're you...

doesn't mean you can't
be somebody else.

That's called schizophrenia.

Now what about you?

I mean, you traveled
all around the world.

Why'd you come back
to be a principal?

I am going to tell
you a story

that I've never
told anyone else.

Not my wife, my priest,

my shrink, no one.
I hope he doesn't

say, "If I did it,
here's how it happened."

It all began
at a pancake house
in Minneapolis.

(door opens)

GREG:
Hey, Chris.

What are you guys
doing down there?

Nothing, just talking.
What are you doing here?

Well, I called your house,
and Drew said you were here.

I couldn't
believe it,

so I had to come
and check for myself.

Well... think I'll, uh...

step outside and check
on the weather.

See about getting
you home, Chris.

Yeah, all right.

Good, uh... good talking
to you, Greg.

You, too, Principal Edwards.

Omar, can I talk
to you a second?

Oh, be right back.

Monopoly wasn't all
he was losing.

How much longer
are you going to
be down here?

Well, the way Drew's
playing, not much longer.

He got me for $2,000.

I didn't come here to hear
you talk about Monopoly.

Mr. Omar, it's your turn.

Uh, here I come. Look, I told
Mr. Julius I would

watch the kids and that's
what I'm gonna do.

I'm sorry.

You watching the kids?
I'm going home.

Well, you'd better take
those pumps off and put
on some snow shoes

or you ain't gonna make it.

Excuse me, uh, Scarface.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

My mother never talked
to anyone for just a minute.

Now, are you sure
you want to do this?

What difference
does it make to you?

Well, didn't your mother
teach you better

than to go around
robbing people?

She's the one who taught me
how to rob people.

Well, if I was your mother,

I would've knocked
the rob out of you

a long time ago.
LUTHER:
Listen to her.

She's a good person.
Hear that?

I just wish I'd met her before
I got my wife's sister pregnant.

You got your wife's
sister pregnant?

Uh, just once.

All I'm saying is,

is that you're better than this.

And at least your son and your
nephew ain't the same person.

Thank you.

Rochelle.

When you get home, call my dad
and tell him I'm on the way.

No problem.

Ah, well, see ya.

Man, see you later.

The adventure was
just ending for me,

but it was just beginning
for my father.

Chris!

I'm here!

Chris!

I'm here!

Chris!

I'm here to take you home!

Chris...!

Most days we were together,
we couldn't wait to be apart.

But every now and again,

it felt really good
to be together.

It's cold out there today.

That snow is crazy.

I went all the way
to your school.

What happened to you?

I was the only one there, so
soon as I could leave, I left.

You're not gonna believe
what happened to me today.

I got robbed.

ALL:
What?!

Yes. This guy
kept me on the train

for, like, five hours,
took all my money.

How much did you have?

A dollar.

(sighs):
Oh.

Huh, that sounds
just like Drew.

We were playing
Monopoly,

and Drew took
all Mr. Omar's money.

Mr. Omar was here?

Yeah, he watched us
after Dad left.

When did you leave?

Right after you left.

You're just now
getting back?

I went to get you!

I'm in a snow storm.
What about Mr. Omar?

(all talking excitedly
over one another)

Y'all know y'all not supposed
to have anybody else.

They closed the school,
there's nowhere for you to go.

When Daddy leaves,
you make sure...

After spending the whole day
inside with Principal Edwards,

I no longer felt

like an outsider.

I had a new friend.

(school bell ringing)

You're late.

What? A tardy slip?

But what about yesterday?

That was in the past,
we're in the now, Chris.

And now you're late.

See you in detention.

* Everybody hates Chris