Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 8 - Everybody Hates the Laundromat - full transcript

* Oh, slipping
into darkness... *

Chris.

Chris.

Because I had to catch the bus

to go all the way across town
to get to school every day,

I got ten hours less sleep
a week

than anyone else in my class.

One time,
I fell asleep so long,

I woke up with a mustache.

Did I miss anything?

Not this time.



You got to watch it.

You were, like, this
close to getting caught.

Well, at least it's friday.

I'll get a chance
to sleep in tomorrow.

Man, there was nothing than be in a bed

on a Saturday morning,
dreaming my favorite dream:

me sleeping in
on a Saturday morning.

You gonna watch
Rocky tomorrow?

My favorite movie
of all time was Rocky.

A black man
kicking a white guy's ass.

My father always thought

the movie
should've been called Apollo.

Oh, I can't.

My TV's out.



No TV all weekend?

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah.

So what are you
gonna do?

I'm going to sleep.

I was so sleepy, instead of couting sheep

I was counting sleep.

The only person who love more sleep than me was my father

And right now, he's dreaming
his favorite dream.

I've been working here
a long time, now,

and I've never seen anybody
pay bills like you.

What do you got,
two jobs or something?

Just one.

Can I help you
with something else?

Can I have my
three cents change?

Julius.

Julius.

Julius!
Yo, I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

Where are my keys?

No, no, baby!
You don'have to go to work.

Today is Saturday.

You woke me up at 6:45
on a Saturday morning?

Are you crazy?
No, look, look, wait.

I was looking
through the paper

and they're having
TVs on sale in Queens.

Look, $199 for
a color 19-inch?!

19-inch TV?

Hey! Now guys have those
in their headrests,

but back then,
it was a big deal.

Rochelle, I can get
this same TV for half that

All I got to do is wait
for my man Risky to get one.

That means he has to wait for his man Risky to steal one.

Oh, no, no, no,
I am tired of Risky.

Everything we get from him breaks down.

- What are you doing?
- I'm ironing.

- I got you an iron from Risky.
- It broke.

Damn, Risky.

- What are you doing?
- I'm making toast.

- I got you a toaster from Risky.
- It broke!

Damn, Risky.

Are you sure?

Like I told you for the
hundredth time, I'm pregnant.

- I thought you used a condom.
- I did.

Damn Risky.

What are you doing now?

I'm reading
the small print.

Yeah.

- $199 for a 19-inch TV.
- Uh-huh.

Must be a catch.

No!

The catch is if they run out,
we won't be getting one.

Now get up!

Chris!

Chris!

Huh?! What?

Get up. I need you to go
to the Laundromat.

I don't want to go-- I'm tired.

Me and your father
are going to buy

a new TV today.

So... I need you
to do this!

Come on, if you do this,
I'll let you

watch Rocky tonight.

So, please, do not mix
the colors and the whites.

And those dryers get real hot,
so I need you

to set it to medium, so you
won't shrink anything, okay?

I didn't hear a word after,
"Get up."

I can't take all that by myself.

Drew and Tonya
are going with you.

Do I have to take Tonya?

You need help, don't you?!

Now, hurry up!

'Cause it's Saturday morning,

and all the machines
will be taken.

I know you don't want to be
there all day-- now, get up.

Just everybody get up.

There are three places
a kid doesn't want to be

on the weekend:

at a funeral...
Why?!

Oh, why?

...at a woman's
department store...

...and at a Laundromat
on a Saturday morning.

A Ladromat is a place
where really poor people

go to wash their clothes.

You don't want that one,
that's broke.

Use the other,
use that one.

Hey, I was gonna use
this one.

You better get out of
my face, little boy.

At the Laundromat,
even a nice woman

would smack her mother twice
for an empty machine.

Okay, y'all go check
those machines

and see what cycles
they're on.

I don't want to check
it, you check it.

Well, then go sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

Well, then stand up.

It took me years to realize

that if you want a girl
to do something,

you got to tell her
to do the opposite.

Here's your chicken.

And you better
not bring me no dessert.

I'll get you what I want
to get you!

Only one place that didn't
work: the bedroom.

Okay, this one's on spin.

And this one's on wash.

Good, now, I need you
to watch them.

Can I get the quarters?

No. I don't want
you to lose them.

Ain't nobody's
gonna lose nothing.

It's just right there.

She looked at me
like I stole her cocoa.

Fine.

I would have let her
smack me silly,

if it would have made her
act right.

Rocky, here I come.

You into
martial arts?

Yeah. Why?

Want to learn some kill moves?

Yeah

The only thing Drew loved
more than candy

was learning
how to break a neck.

Go right there under
the guy's nose.

You just take it...

Boom!

Tonya, what'd I tell you?!

Well, you could
at least help me.

I would, if you stop hollering.

You're the one who dropped them!

Wake me up
when that machine stops.

I ain't
waking you up.

Tonya, I'm not playing
with you.

Now, wake me up
when that machine stops!

Tonya's so difficult,
the only reason she's a girl

is 'cause my father
wanted a boy.

Oh, that's nice-- oh!

- Okay, let me tell you the rules.
- Okay.

- We're going to get a TV.
- Mm-hmm.

- Not a VCR.
- I hear you.

- Not a couch.
- I got you.

- A TV.
- No problem.

And if it doesn't cost $199,
we're going home.

Yeah, right.

Well, can I at least
look around?

Last time you went someplace
"looking around,"

I ended up buying a house.

Can I help you?

Yeah, we're here for the $199
19-inch color TV.

I'm sorry, we sold
out of those.

Sale's been on since Monday.

Thank you.

Okay, let's go.
Hold on.

I'm sure we can find
something you mightike.

- See?
- You probably can,

but if it's not a TV for $199,
you don't need to show it to me.

No, no, no, wait, baby.

Now, let's just...

look around for a little while.

You got some
"looking around" money?

Sir, I don't mean to intrude,
but you a union man?

Uh, yeah,
I'm in the local. Why?

Says right here...

show me a union card,
you get credit on the spot.

Say what?!

Let's just say my mother

didn't have the best history
with credit.

Put it on the card.

She bought shoes,

she bought clothes, she'd buy
money, if they let her.

Put it on the card.

There was nothing my mother
wouldn't put on a creditard.

Put this on my card.

Lady, you can't pay your credit
card bill with your credit card.

What about this one?

We came here for the $199 TV,
not a credit card.

Yeah, but you
could use one, right?

We'll give you a $500 limit,
no payments for six months.

We'll get you out of here
with a TV.

Wait, wait, baby.

Let's think about
this for a moment.

If the kids keep watching that TV,
they're gonna mess up their eyes,

and if they can't see
they might wander

out into the street
and get hit by a bus.

Now, do you want
three crippled kids

or a new TV?

Lady's got a point.

See?

Would you please?

This is... nice!

Instead of watching
the machines like I told him,

Drew was perfecting
the Flying Monkey Death Claw.

Man, what are you doing?!

Damn, black Yoda.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

O h!

How come you didn't
wake me up when I told you to?

You don't tell me
what to do.

Where'd you get that?

That machine.

You spent our quarters?

I was thirsty.

Oh, man,
we need those!

We don't even have enough
for the dryers!

So?

What happened to our clothes?

I don't know.

Drew who took our clothes?

Wasn't me.

Somebody stole our clothes.

It's not my fault.

Yes, it is--
instead of going

to get a soda, how come you
weren't watching the clothe.

How come you weren't
watching them?

'Cause I was asleep, and that's
why I told you to wake me up!

You're always
messing stuff up.

I hate you!

I don't care.

Where are you going?

None of your business,
that's where I'm going.

* Everybody hates Chris. *

Hey, little man.

Everything all right?

I lost my clothes.

What you mean
you lost your clothes?

They were in two baskets.

I was waiting for the machine,
and I fell asleep.

What they look like?

Um, I don't know,
there's lots of stuff--

pants, underwear, socks.

Uh-huh. Is that them over there?

Yeah!

Yeah, right, uh-huh.

Go ahead with your bad self.

At the Laundromat,
empty washing machines

come around less
than a Sade tour.

Terrell Owens ain't got
nothin' on her.

I'm using this one.

Oh

Little dude
from across the street.

Yo, why don't you
let me hold a quarter?

Didn't mama say

not to mix the coloreds
with the whites?

I only have enough quarters
for one machine and thr driers.

Finish this
and watch the clothes.

I'm gonna go find Tonya.

All you got to do is sign on the
dotted line and we're all set.

I'm reading the small print.
Don't have to

read that,
it don't mean nothing.

Then why'd they put it

on here?
It's just technicalities.

17 percent?

That's kind of high, ain't it?

It's not unusual.

Brooklyn Bridge ain't unusual,
but it's still high.

You should've seen him
at tax time.

Aren't you done yet, baby?

I want to show you something.

I'm reading the contract.

Oh, just hurry up and sign
that thing and come on.

I want to show you this couch.

The only thing that made
my mother happier than having

man with two job
s was getting a new couch.

Girl, did I tell you
I was getting married?

Ooh, that is nice.

But did I show you my new couch?

No amount of good news
could compare

to my mother
getting a new couch.

It's all leather.

Hey, listen, you sign it now,
I'm gonna give you a $700 limit.

Seven...!

Seven hundred dollars?

Julius, do you know
what I could do with $700?!

Unfortunately, he does.
Thank you!

Rochelle...

do you know how long it's
gonna take me to pay off $700?

Hmm?

Mm, but Julius...

If the most important thing to
my mother was buying a couch,

the most important thing
to my father was paying it off.

Oh, Julius, where have you been?

I just dropped Tonya off
at college.

They hired Chris to replace me
on my first job,

and Drew to replace me
on my second job.

I paid off the house, the car,
the light bill and the gas.

We don't owe anybody
a single dime.

And I'm gonna take a nap
and get the hell out of here

before you spend
some more money.

This is a good deal.

See, baby, we could get
a lot of stuff we need.

I mean, it's on credit.

What are you worried about?

It's on credit.

That's what I'm worried about.

I'm gonna go look
at the couch again.

I didn't know where Tonya was,

but I was praying
she went home.

Come on.

What?

Open the door.

I ain't opening nothing.

I'm telling mama and daddy
that you said you hate me

and you left me
in the house by myself.

My mother didn't care
what I said to Tonya

just as long as I didn't
leave her someplace by herself.

Chris, didn't I tell you
not to leave

your sister here by herself?!

I didn't know she was
gonna sell the house.

Open the door!

No!

Why can't you just do
what I tell you sometimes?

You said you hate me.

I ain't doing nothing.

That's why I hate you!

Every time I try
to do something,

you always mess it up.

I'm always stuck with you!

I don't feel like your brother,

I feel like
a 13-year-old father.

Dag, man.

You're a 13-year old-father, too?

I know he doesn't look 13,

but having kids
will do that to you.

She's not my daughter.

She's my sister.

I can work you out a great deal
on the television,

the sofa, dining room set.

You get it today,
I'm gonna save you some money.

If I don't get it at all,
I'll save more.

Let's go.

Now, wait a minute, Julius.

You work, I work...
well, sometimes.

I'm just saying,
you don't have to be so ch...

You think I want to be cheap?

I'd love to come in here and buy you
everytng in the store,

but I don't have it
like that, Rochelle.

I don't.

My father wasn't bald
when he got married,

but one hair fell out
for every bill he got.

You know what, forget it, baby.

Huh?

If I buy this stuff, that means
you'll have to work even harder,

which means you'll
be home even less.

And when you do get home,

I' be mad,
you'll get tired of it,

we'll end up in a divorce,

and I'll end up with some
old-ass furniture and no man.

And if you think you leaving me
for a white woman,

you got another thing coming.

I know you think she's
doing this out of love,

but watch this.

What?

Hold on a minute.

How much for this one?

Can we get that one?

It's just more state-of-the-art.

It has the buttons
and the knobs that...

I love you.

We're getting that
one right there.

Okay.
On sale.

Were you able to get
the clothes done?

We have a little problem.

Aw...

I told you not to put the
coloreds in with the whites.

Mama's gonna kill me.

Hold on, think
I could fix this.

Excuse me, Miss.

Yes?

My brother put the coloreds
in with the whites

and now everything's pink.

Could you help us get
the clothes back white again

or my mother's
gonna kill him?

Aw, I'll be happy to.

Thank you.

How'd you do that?

I don't know.

When Drew turned 18,
that woman looked him up...

not to be her boyfriend, she
just loved doing his laundry.

Wow!

See, whiter than they were
when you brought them in.

Hey, thanks.

You want me to teach you
a kill move?

No, that's okay.

When you turn 18,

you call me, okay?

Okay.

Let's go get these in the dryer.

Even though my mother was
gonna kill me about Tonya,

at least she had clean clothes
to bury me in.

Hey, boys.

Momm I hy,e something.

Wait, wait, your dad's got
something to show you. Come on.

A new TV!
Yeah.

Yeah!

There's something about knowing

you have an ass whipping
coming up

that overshadows
a brand new TV.

So what'd you
want to tell me, Tonya?

I, uh... I had fun
at the Laundromat.

- Oh, good.
- That's nice.

Well, what about you, Chris?
What did you have to say?

Uh...

Can I still watch Rocky?

Sure.

How'd you get the money
for a TV like this, Mama?

Your daddy got it on credit.

- Credit!
- Yeah.

Hey, Dad, since you
got this on credit,

you think you could get
me some new nunchucks?

You know, a kimono?

No, look, we're not getting
no more on credit

tills is paid off, okay?

Daddy, can we watch
Three's Company?

No!

Yes!

...watch my basketball game!

No Three's Company!
It's only a half hour...

Tonya sure was lucky she didn't
tell, 'cause I was two seconds

away from hitting her
with the monkey claw.

I thought you were
gonna tell on me.

I was.

But I decided not to.

Do you hate me, for real?

No, I don't really hate you.

It's just that you get
on my nerves sometimes.

I'm sorry.

So, did you get
your clothes clean?

Yeah.

That's good.

Just because I said "I'm sorry,"

doesn'mean I'm not gonna
get you in trouble again.

And if I say "I hate you,"
you better not get mad.

Oh, good jab.

Oh!
Oh!

Before I went to sleep
that night,

I had to watch
my favorite movie, Rocky.

It was the perfect way
to end the day.

Chris!

Almost perfect.

* Everybody hates Chris. *