Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 9 - Everybody Hates Food Stamps - full transcript

Julius finds $200 worth of food stamps but Rochelle is too embarrassed to use them; Chris and Greg have a big argument over their science project.

* Unemployment
at a record high *

* People coming,
people going... **

Mama, can we get these?

No, we've already got
peanut butter and jelly.

Ma, I hate that stuff.
It tastes like concrete.

Ring it up, please.

When I was a kid,
my dad would try

to save money
any way he could,

so when my mother went
shopping, he had one rule:

No name brands.

So instead of Fruit Loops,
Cheerios, or Frosted Flakes,



we got...

"Cereal"?

What is this stuff?

Is it oats? Is it flakes?

Is there a prize inside?

The prize is
you don't starve to death.

Ring it up.

And instead of Oreos,
Ginger Snaps,

or Chips Ahoy, we got...

"Cookie"?

That's right, Cookie.

Not Cookies, Cookie.

A big bag
with one cookie in it.

Ooh, Mama,
can I have some cookie?



Yeah, but only
two bites.

Don't suck out all the chips
like you did last time.

When it came to soap,

instead of Zest, Dial,
or Coast, we got...

Camay?

Do you have a problem with that?

Ring it up.

My mother could save money
a lot of places

but not on her ass.

Partner science project are due Friday,

so decide who you want
to work with,

sign the sheet
as it comes around.

Back off!
One at a time.

Quietly.

Hey, Greg.

You want to do a
project together?

I don't know.

I had a couple ideas
I was already working on.

I wanted to work with Greg

because my last science project
didn't go so well.

Chris!

Would you get these
damn ants out of here!

James Brown stole that whole
"ants in my pants" idea

from my father.

Come on, man... who else
will partner with me?

Chris, it's not that I don't
want to be your partner.

It's just I take my science
very seriously.

Yeah, but, you know,
we could still have fun.

We're talking about science,
Chris, so you got to decide,

do you want to have fun,
or you want to win?

Hell, I just wanted to pass.

Rochelle!
Rochelle!

I'm in here, baby!

You are never going to believe
what happened.

What?

Hah!*

Bah-yah!*

That's $200-worth
of food stamps.

Where did you get
food stamps from, Julius?

I found them.

From the time he was a kid
to the time he was an adult,

my father loved to find money.

Mom! Mom! Mom!
I found a quarter.

I love you, quarter.

I'm gonna keep you
and name you Bernard.

It's a boy!

I found a dollar

That's not even my mother.

Look at this.

Wha... What's wrong?

Julius, you know I hate
using food stamps.

My mother hated
using food stamps

because she was a ghetto snob.

And sometimes using food stamps
could be a little embarrassing.

That'll be 79 cent.

Ten, 20, 30, 40, 50...

My mother would have felt
better just robbing the place.

Does anybody have change
for a fifty-cent bill?

Rochelle, money is money.

Cash, food stamps--
what's the difference?

Because I don't want to
have to curse nobody out.

What?!

Julius, when I pull
out food stamps,

people look at me like
I ain't got no husband.

They talk to me

like I ain't got no sense.

They treat me
like I ain't got no class.

and if somebody treats me like
that, I'm gonna curse them out!

$200 is $200.

If you don't go to shop with it,
or I am.

And you don't want me
to go shopping.

My father figured out
that the only food

cheaper than generic food
was damaged food.

F ine.

Since we got the extra
cash, can you give me $20,

so I could get my hair done?

Can you do it yourself?

Sure, baby, you go ahead.

You look good.

$200, man!

Thank you, Lord.

At school, I felt like
I was trying to do

a science project
and Greg was trying to win

the Nobel Prize.

I was thinking about doing
something on the periodic table.

we can chart when each element
was discovered

and show how
it affected society.

I was thinking
we could make a volcono

with vinegar and baking soda.

No, I did that
in the third grade.

My third grade science project
was watching a banana rot!

Hey, why don't we do a whole
thing on plate tectonics?

I thought "Plate Tectonics"

was the original name
of the Wu Tang Clan.

We can diagram
the continental shift

and show
how mountain ranges form

and show how
the shape of the Earth

has changed
throughout history.

So I guess making a
robot out of soup cans

ain't gonna get it.

No.

As much as it hurt my mother
to shop with food stamps,

there were two words
that made it all worthwhile...

Name brands.

* Everybody get high-- sing! *

* Bustin' out *

* Bustin' out *

* Sing! *
* Bustin' out *

* Bustin'out **

* We're bustin' out
of this L-Seven square *

* Freaks like you and I
could never funk from there *

* We're bustin' out,
everybody, come along *

* We're gonna dance
on the funk *

* And make love
on this song... *

That's my mom, ghetto snob.

* Love, lift us up
where we belong *

* Where the eagles cry,
on a mountain high *

* Love, lift us up
where we belong *

* Far from the world below *

** Up where
the clear winds blow... *

That'll be $95.33.

This store is highway robbery.

Rochelle! Girl!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

I didn't know
you shopped here.

I come here all te time.

Mama, you dropped your-- ow!

So, um...

what are you
doing here?

Two for one.

Okay.

You know I like
to save my money.

Yeah, you know,
you got to...

know what to do with your money.
Uh-huh.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

$95.33.

Hmm?

$95.33.

Oh, okay...
I wasn't listening.

You'd think she'd pay
with food stamps.

That cash was supposed
to last my mom a month.

Girl you know what, you got
to buy the best for your family.

The best.
You know? That's what I always say.

There's nothing too expensive
for my family.

Mm-mm.

Daddy gonna be mad.

That look meant,
"Get with the program."

You look good,
you look good.

You look good,
too, girl.

Y'all get in the car.

Get in the car.

Meanwhile, I turned down
Greg's project

on the Theory
of Relativity.

Go!

- Ooh!
- I'm coming up there, boys!

Go.

He turned down my project

on how to make ice.

Finally, we decided
on something we both liked:

The solar system!
The solar system!

This looks great.

Mercury is closest
to the sun,

Venus is second,
Earth is third.

And we have four moons
around Jupiter.

It's perfectly to scale.

Quit lying yourself.

What's that supposed to mean?

If Earth was actually
this close to the sun,

we'd all be dead.

Greg, it's a science project.

It looks great.

We got to do it over.

Do it over?

Do the whole universe over?

Are you crazy?

It looks great the way it is.

This isn't great,
this sucks.

Look at this kid.

His project is a
bug in Jell-O.

- We're fine.
- I knew you didn't

take science
as seriously as I do.

Einstein didn't take science
as seriously as you do.

I knew I should've gotten
somebody else for a partner.

I can't turn this in;
people will think I'm an idiot.

What are you trying to say?

I said it once,
and I'm gonna say it again.

This sucks.

You know what? If you want
to do something else...

well, then do
something else.

I'm not gonna let you
screw the whole thing up.

There's a reason why you didn't
have a friend till I came along.

And there's a reason
you don't have a friend now.

It was like Andrew Ridgeley
leaving Wham!

**Everybody Hates Chris*

Rochelle, I thought I asked you
not to buy these name brands.

Oh, well, honey,
I figured the kids...

You know what?
Forget it.

I forgot you used food stamps.

Uh-huh.
We used food stamps.

Mama, you know we...

Tonya, why don't you
go get your daddy some syrup.

For his cereal?

For his pancakes.

Baby, you want some pancakes?

- Yeah, I didn't even know we had these.
- Yeah.

Wow, Ma, this toast is good.

What'd you do different?

I bought
fresh bread.

We usually got our bread
from the day-old bakery,

which was even cheaper
when we got it

from the three-day-old shelf.

That look says, "If you
couldn't whup me, I'd tell."

You know, I been thinking.

Since I found
this money,

we got over $100 left

after we pay the light bill
and get your hair done.

- Maybe we could splurge for once.
- Splurge?

Yeah, I mean... $100.

I could take the day off.

I could
sleep till 9:00.

Hey, we could even go
to a movie for once.

That was 1982.

These days, $100
won't even buy you $20.

Um, maybe that's not
such a good idea.

Oh, yes it is.

Not every day you find
money like that.

I know, but, you know,
maybe we should...

Come on.
You're getting your hair done.

Why can't I treat
myself to something?

I'm just saying, look,

we shouldn't
rush into anything, you know?

You know what, baby?
You're right.

- See? I'm right.
- You right. I hear you.

I'm gonna
take a nap

and figure out
how to spend this money.

Some people counted sheep,
my father counted cheap

Don't you have to go to work?

Not right now.

I'm gonna be over by
the electric company.

If you give me
the money

I can pay the light bill.

No, no, no. I'll do it.

You just lay down and
take a nap

and rest easy,
I'll take care of it.

It's across the...

Sh!

Could you get me
a pillow, please?

Sure, sure.

Pillow for Julius.

- Thank you baby.
- Go ahead, baby. Get some rest.

I hate to admit it,
but the first real breakup

I ever had wasn't with a girl,
it was with Greg.

Give me back Mercury.

Go ahead,
you can have it.

But I brought Earth
into this project,

so it's rightfully mine.

Hey, where's my Earth?

It got burned up
by the sun.

You know what?

I'm gonna
get another partner,

then we're gonna finish this
and slaughter you.

- Yeah, I'm going to get one too.
- Go ahead.

I will!

Bye.

Shoot.

There's two more girls
I can scratch off my list.

You know what?

Instead of spending all
that money on ourselves,

why don't you, me and the kids
go to the movies on Friday?

Well, isn't that expensive?

We got it.
It could be fun.

We could go see Rocky III
at the dollar show.

The kids love Rocky.

Usually, my mother would jump
at going to the movies,

because with three kids,
she never had time.

As a matter of fact,
here's the last movie she saw.

Movies are on TV
every Friday, you know?

There's no gum
on the floor,

no rats running
through the aisles.

You can get up
and go to the bathroom

as much as you like.

As a matter of fact,

Friday night, The Ghost
and Mr. Chicken is on.

Why would I need
to go to the movies?

Because you're always
complaining

about how I never
take you to the movies.

Well, I'm tired,
you know?

I just want to stay home.

Okay.

You never really
appreciate a friend

until you try
to find another one.

Did you see Knight Rider
last night?

No. Did you see
the Celtics game?

No.
I didn't.

Si.

If I had known there was a
Porto Rican kid in the school,

I would've hung out
with him in the first place.

My mother
couldn't admit what she did,

so the only thing
left for her to do

was sell her food stamps.

Food stamps.
I got those food stamps.

What? You got
to speak up.

I can't hear
what you're saying.

I said I got food stamps.
I got those food stamps.

Oh, whoop-de-damn-do.

I got food stamps, too.

Excuse me.

Food stamps.

Come on, girl,
you know you need them.

Listen, I'm short on
my light bill.

I need to sell
these food stamps.

Fifty cent
on the dollar.

Oh, no, no, no.
No thank you.

Beat it, beat it.

Food stamps!

What?
Food stamps!

Fifty cent on the dollar.

What the hell?

What the hell is going...
All right, all right.

One at a time.
One at a time.

Damn it!

My mother finally
had to turn to the one guy

she thought could help her--
Risky.

Now, Risky specialized
in buying and selling things

he wasn't supposed to have.

Come on, Risky.

Man, this $200 worth
of food stamps.

$200 dollars worth
of food stamps?

I'm trying to sell
$2,000 worth of food stamps.

Want to buy an iron?

You take food stamps?

* I got
so much trouble on my... **

* I got my so much
trouble on my mind *

* Refuse to lose... *

Get out of my way.

No, you get out of my way.

Fight!

Like wars,
most fights are started

by people who won't get hit.

All right, then.

Hold my books.

Hold my books.

Hold my sweater.

Hold my vest.

Hold my watch.

Hold my Star Trek
bracelet.

Hold my shoes.

"Hold my shoes"!

Where'd you get that?

It was either that
or punch you in the face.

- Seriously?
- No.

What are we gonna do about
the science project?

I got an idea.

What?

He said, "What about us?"

Come on.

* Watch me! *

My mother decided
to hit the one place

where selling food stamps
would be easy.

Food stamps,
50 cent on the dollar.

Food stamps, 50 cent
on the dollar.

Come on, Paco.

I'll take a nickel bag.

Risky?

Rochelle?

What you doing?
You selling weed?

No, I'm not selling weed.

I'm selling food stamps.

Oh, well,
who's selling weed?

Get your jelly bean
head out of here.

Excuse me, did I just
hear you say

you were selling food stamps?

I most certainly am not
selling food stamps.

Who said
I was selling food stamps?

Rochelle!
Hey, hey!

Hey, I didn't know
you knew Pam

Hi, Pam.
We just met.

Girl, your hair
looks good.

Thank you.
Pam is my hairdresser.

- I just came from her shop.
- Coincidence.

So what about the food stamps?

- I'm not selling food stamps.
- You selling food stamps?

No, no, no, no.

It looked like to me that she
was selling food stamps.

- So where's your shop?
- Oh, it's right up the block.

- Okay, okay.
- You like you could use a touch up.

I sure can.

Uh, um,
when's your next appointment?

Oh, no, no, she can take
you now, can't you, Pam?

Yeah, I was just came
to get some lunch,

but my next appointment
isn't for another hour.

See? There you go.

Well, I'll
see y'all later.

All right, girl.

Hey, you see that lady
selling food stamps,

- let me know.
- Will do.

Take care.
Looking good, girl.

- So where's your shop?
- Girl, it's right up the street.

Come on, I'll put
you up right now

I still wish Earth was
further away from the sun.

You think
we can win it?

Are you kidding me?

If we can't
beat a bug in Jell-O,

I'll goto school
in your neighborhood.

You're right.
This looks great.

Hey, Frank.

I finished
our science project.

Hey, you can't do that!

What are you gonna do about it?

All the science in the world
is no match for a guy

who could smack the taste
out of your mouth.

Caruso
couldn't spell "solar system,"

but since he could
kick both our asses,

that meant
the universe was his.

Yeah!

At least we beat
the Jell-O bug.

Wow, Mom, your hair looks great.

Thank you, baby.

Hey, Dad, can we get
Frosted Flakes

next time we go
to the store?

I don't know.

Did you spend
all the food stamps?

Hey, Mom, now that we
have fresh bread,

can we have French toast?

I've never had it when
the bread wasn't smashed.

Hey, Rochelle,

I know you don't want
to go to the movies,

but can you
at least think about it?

We're going
to the movies?

Rocky III.

If your mother
wants to go.

Even though my mother cared
about what people thought,

she cared a little more
about what we thought.

I have a confession to make.

What's wrong?

We don't have the money
to go to the movies.

What are
you talking about?

After your hair
and the light bill,

we should have
at least $30 left over.

Well, I used it
to buy groceries.

I told you, I don't like
shopping with food stamps.

Sheila was in the store
when I was there

and I just got
a little embarrassed.

I didn't want her to think
we couldn't afford food.

You know what?
Forget about it.

It's no big deal.

Money is money.

We can still buy groceries
with food stamps.

You bought
those name brands,

so we gonna have to make it
stretch, so get generic.

We ain't got the food stamps.

What?

I gave it to my hairdresser
to fix my perm.

That was $200 worth
of food stamps.

Baby, she only gave me
25 cents on the dollar.

What do you want me to do?

You couldn't
talk her up to 27 cent?

You know what?
Hey...

At least
you paid the light bill.

Chris!