Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 7 - Everybody Hates the Babysitter - full transcript

Chris, look at your sister.

What happened to her?

You weren't watching her,

that's what happened to her.

I told you I wanted a cookie.

Mom, I just sat down
for a minute.

Do you know
what can happen in a minute?

Now, go get your sister
washed up now.

Come on, Tonya.

Thanks to Drew and Tonya,

I was taking care of kids



until I was taking care
of my own kids.

Chris, get me
some potato chips.

Chris, help me
with my homework.

Chris, find
my doll.

Chris, go make me a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.

Chris, make me some Kl Aid.
Chris, strap up my shoe.

Chris, I'm going
to take a shower,

watch the kids.

Chris, tie my shoe!

Chris, I'm going
to pick up my Porgy's.

Watch the kids!

Chris, help!
My head is stuck!

Chris, I'm going
to eat some peanuts.

Watch the kids.



Chris, I'm going to get
my mustache waxed.

Watch the kids.

Chris!

Chris!

Chris!

Chris!
Chris!

Whoa!
Whoa!

The one thing that Drew
and I did together

was watch basketball games
and Rocky movies.

Tonight it was basketball.

Whoa! See that shot?
Whoa!

But since we only had one TV,
we had to share with Tonya,

and Tonya always got her way.

Mama said I can watch
Three's Company.

We're watching
the game!

I don't care.

Move.

Oh, hey, baby.

How was work?

Hard.

You know, I was thinking that maybe
we should go out, you know?

Have dinner...

relax a little.

Why would I go out to relax,

when I can relax at home
for free?

That was my father's rationale
for everything.

$20 to get in the club?

We can dance at home for free.

I just wanted to
do something nice.

That all.

I think staying home
is nice.

Well, you're not here all day.

Well, why don't
I stay home,

and you can go out
and work two jobs?

Where's a time machine
where you could just go back

and shut up?

No, I did not mean-- I'm not
trying to take anything away

from what you do here.

That's okay. If you don't want
to go out you don't have to.

- No, look...
- It's okay, no, no. Enough said.

It's over.
Over.

There are two things
my father knew for sure:

He knew he knew nothing
for sure,

and he knew this wasn't over.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, guys.

Y'all eating already?

- Where's your mother?
- In the kitchen.

Hey, babe.

What's for dinner?

Well, the kids
are having chicken.

What about me?

Well, you got two jobs.

You could take
your two-job money

and go buy you a two-job meal.

I'm sorry baby.

If you want to go out,
we can go out.

Thank you, baby, oh!

I'll call
Sheila's baby-sitter

and tell her
she can come tomorrow.

Why do we got to
pay a baby-sitter

when Chris'll do it for free?

No, no, no, he does it during
the day, not at night.

Rochelle, we don't
really need...

Do you want me
to make you some chicken?

Okay, well, I'm gonna
call Sheila's baby-sitter.

Hi, I'm Yvette.

Oh, okay,
come on in.

Okay, so have
some chicken

baking in the oven.

Just take it out
about in 20 minutes.

Chris and Drew are gonna
watch the basketball game.

What am I gonna do while Chris and Drew
are watching the basketball game?

Well, you can hang with me.

I'll show you how to
make french braid.

Okay.

And, Yvette, I left the number
of the restaurant

by the phone.

Now, call me if anything
goes wrong, ok

Everything's
gonna be fine.

Chris, I don't want
that girl calling us.

So if there's
a problem...

handle it.

Me and your mother
don't go out often,

so I don't want
nothing to spoil it.

Here.

Whoa, what's this?

That's emergency money.

My father believed there's
nothing $10 couldn't fix.

What if something costs $11?

Talk them down to ten.

Got it.

Okay, you guys be good.

All right, Chris.
Call me if you need anything, okay?

Okay.
Okay, bye, y'all.

Bye.
Bye-bye. Bye, Dad.

Bye, sweetie.
Take your time and have fun.

Welcome to Pastures
and Shores.

May I take your order?

Okay, I'll have the
all-you-can-eat

shrimp and sirloin combo,
well done,

order of coleslaw
and a Coke.

And you, sir?
I'll have

the ultimate surf and
turf and a large Coke.

That'll be $17.99.

Wait, baby.

Are you sure we
can afford this?

It's okay.

I have coupons.

If there was a coupon for
something, my father had it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's this?

A coupon-- no
tickets on Tuesday.

This doesn't include
the all-you-can-eat

shrimp and sirloin combo.

Oh, you know what?

I'll just order
something else.

I'll take the...
No, it's okay.

I want everything
to be perfect.

Get what you want.

I'll pay for it.

Is there a problem?

Can I have my coupon?

Having a babysitter
in the house was great,

because the only kid
I had to worry about was me.

I'll be right back.

No, I can't talk right now.

My mother
would never hire someone

she thought was irresponsible.

But irresponsible people
never tell you

that they're irresponsible--
because they're irresponsible!

Chris, I got to go!

What do you mean you got to go?
I got something

I got to do.

You are doing something!

You stayed with your brother
and sister before, right?

Yeah, but that's only
during the day.

You'll be fine.

I'll be right back.

At that moment, I want to bust
her right upside the head.

I'm hungry.

Oh, our food, yeah.

Oh.

Thank you.

I am hungry.

Thank you.

Oh, wait, wait.
Uh, excuse me.

I ordered coleslaw,
but this is potato salad.

I'll get the manager.

We don't want
the manager.

We want coleslaw.

I'll get the manager.

Is there a problem?

My wife ordered coleslaw
and got potato salad.

I'm sorry
for the misunderstanding,

but that meal comes
with potato salad.

But I ordered coleslaw.

It comes with potato salad.

We'd be happy
to sell you

a side of coleslaw for 79 cents,

you just have
to get back in line.

Never go out on the day
they give out welfare checks.

You got a thousand little paper
cups of coleslaw back there.

You mean you can't take
this back and bring her one?

You know what?
Never mind.

Just bring me a bowl--
I'll have some of his coleslaw.

Not a problem.

No, no, no,
can't do that, ma'am.

We have a no-sharing policy.

So what you're telling
me is that I can't have

some of my
husband's coleslaw?

That's what you're
saying to me?

You could, but we would
have to ask you to leave.

You know...
You know what?

You know what?
I eat at home.

That's why I cook
my own meals.

You know what?
I'll get you coleslaw.

Is there anything else?!

Enjoy your meal.

What the hell-- does
he think he's Mr. T?

Why is he acting like that?
It's okay.

This is our night,
it's our night.

You're right.

- What's that?
- It's my baby.

You can't bring
that baby in here.

Would you be quiet,
and let me handle this?

You can't bring
that baby in here.

It'll just be
for a little while.

Did you bring
something back to eat?

I'm hungry.

I forgot your mother put some
chicken in the oven for you.

I'm gonna run and get you guys
something to eat.

Watch the baby, okay?

You can't leave
your baby here.

Why not?
Because you're baby-sitting.

I'm just going down
to Lincoln Fried Chicken.

What if he gets hungry?

What if he throws up?

He won't-- it'll be fine.

I'll be right back.

At that moment I was sure

of two things:
I wasn't going to be fine,

and she wasn't going
to be right back.

What's this?

Why didn't they just
give you a cup of coleslaw?

It's this big.

It'll be here in a few minutes.

Where you going?

I'm going to check
on the kids.

The kids are fine...

I'm just going to check, okay?

Whoa-- a behind the back,
off the backboard dunk!

Chris, man, you're missing it!
Come on!

Shh, would you be quiet?

Stop yelling
and turn the TV down.

* It's like a jungle sometimes **

* It makes me wonder
how I keep from going under *

* Uh, uh, uh-uh *

* It's like a jungle sometimes*

* It makes me wonder
how I keep from going under. **

Hey, he cried when I sang
"Endless Love."

- You think she's coming back?
- She better.

Hello.

Hey, baby, how's it going?

Good.

- Is that a baby?
- No, it's the TV.

Where's Yvette?

She's in the bathroom.

Okay. Well, we'll be home
in a little while, all right?

Okay.

- Okay, love you.
- All right, bye.

I know you're thinking:

"Why did'nt I just tell my
mother what was going on?"

Well, I figured
it couldn't get any worse.

Hi, um... is Yvette here?

She just left.

And who are you?

I'm Mario.

Is that my baby?

I don't know, is it?

I know. He takes after
his mom.

We didn't know
if it was his baby, either.

But trust me, there ain't
no black man picking up a baby

that ain't his.

What's he doing here?

Where did she go?

She went to go get us
something to eat.

She's babysitting us.

Where you think
you're going?

You can't just leave
with somebody's baby.

Look, when she comes back,

tell her
I'll be at her mother's house.

Chris, man,
you should have seen it!

Bernard King hit a shot
from the top of the key,

stole it and hit another one
right before the half!

I'm hungry.

Sometimes my father
would be so focused

on everything going right,

he didn't realize
he was the reason

it was going wrong.

It's okay.

Your coleslaw will be here
any minute.

Julius, why do you make
such a big deal out of nothing?

Because I spent good money
on this.

I expect it to be good.

Well, is it about the money
or is it about me?

Why would you even ask me that?

Baby, we have been waing
30 minutes

for a Dixie Cup
full of coleslaw.

Think about it.

Oh, finally!

Enjoy your coleslaw.

I'm sorry.

I don't get to take you out
as much as I'd like.

It's okay, baby.

I just want everything
to be right.

But as long as I'm with you,
everything's perfect.

I love you.

Everybody down!

Get down!
Now!

Damn it!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Isn't it funny how
irresponsible people think

they can change the whole world
with a piece of chicken?

Chris, man,
this is the best game I ever seen.

You got to come watch.

Chris, where's the baby?

His father took him.

You gave my baby to a stranger?

No, to his father.

That could be anybody.

He asked for you at the door.

And the baby said "Da-Da."

- Who else could it be?
- I don't know!

- Where'd they go?
- To his mother's house.

I know-- you'll be
right back.

Yeah!

As bad as things were going,

I could always count on
one person to make things go

from bad to worse.

- Hello?
- Hello?

I'm looking for my parents.
They're having dinner there tonight.

I'm sorry, I think
you got the wrong number.

This ain't no restaurant.

Tonya, what are you doing?

Hey!
What are you doing?

- I'm calling mom.
- I'm answering the phone!

- Are you trying to mess everything up?
- You going to mess everything up.

Just put the money in there!

Momma said call
if anything went wrong.

Something went wrong,
so I'm calling.

Tonya, no.

They're on a date.

And if you call, you're going
to be messing everything up.

Then mama will be mad at dad,
dad will be mad at me.

Just let me
handle this, okay?

All I know is

somebody better
French braid my hair.

Give me the money, big man!

Yeah, just watch where
you're pointing that thing.

Don't tell me where to watch.
I'll point this wherever I want.

Julius, just be quiet.

You better listen to your girl.

Hey, that's not my girl,
that's my wife.

Hey, man, come on,
just get the money and let's go.

Noman, big man over here
trying to be a hero.

Hey, come on,
I got . I got this.

Chelle?

- Huh?
- Is that you?

It's me, Ricky!

Remember? From Flatbush!

I'm sorry,
I-I don't believe I know who you are.

I used to be at the club
with Shine and them, remember?

We used to pop lock.

Remember?

Ricky Edwards?!

Donna's brother!

Yeah! Yeah!

How you been?

Oh, good till now.

How you been?

Oh, I'm hanging in there.

All right.

Hey, since you all
so tight,

why don't you
just let uslide?

Hey, man, if it was up to me,
I would.

But my partner... crazy.

So you all going to have
to put something in the bag.

Look, why don't we just pretend
we put something in the bag?

Because this ain't
no pretend robbery!

Julius, just give him
the money.

Um, can you just leave us
a little bit for babysitter?

You know how it is.

You got kids?

Boy, I got three!

Two boys
and a girl!

Kids, they a blessing,
ain't they?

Yeah, love of my life.

Dig. Look, just give me 20-- and
hurry up before my man sees you.

Give him, give him!

Hurry, before my partner sees.

Chelle....

It was good seeing you, girl.

You too, man.

Hey!

Don't tell nobody I did this.

Hello.
Hi.

Is Yvette here?

Who are you?

I'm her mother.

I came to pick up
the baby.

His father took him.

Where's Yvette?

She said
she'll be right back.

Then again, she said that
30 minutes ago.

You mind if I come in
and wait for her?

Come in.

Is everybody okay?

No we're not okay, man,
we just got robbed.

Julius...

After everything that happened

you would expect
my mother's reaction

to be a little like this...

You are such a brave man.

Oh, baby, thank you
for taking me to dinner

and standing up
to those robbers.

Oh, baby, I love you so much.

Instead, it went
a little something like this.

Are you crazy?

What was you thinking arguing
with a masked gunman?!

You could
have been killed!

Do you think I got married
to raise three kids by myself?

The next time somebody
tries to rob us...

get robbed!

Let's go!

Here's a coupon for a free meal

if you decide
to come back again.

- Thanks, man.
- Julius!

Take two.

Good luck.

What happened to your hair?

Yvette says she was going to
teach me how to French braid.

Does Yvette live with you?

Yes. Why?

My mama said
if I have a baby

before I get married,

she says she's
putting me out

because she ain't
raising no babies.

- You like raising babies?
- No.

How come you
didn't put her out?

How old are you?

Nine.

I'll get it!

Your mother's here.

Chris, this is the best game
I ever seen!

You got to come watch!

How come you didnt tell me
you were babysitting?

Why are you in my business?

You live in my house,
you don't have any business.

I don't have to live at your house.
I'll move in with Mario.

You think Mario's mother
wants to deal with you?

You need a job.

Why do you think
I'm babysitting?

You weren't even here.

I was coming right back.

Hey, hey!
That's enough.

Excuse me?

You got to leave
and take that baby with you.

Fine!

Not you, her.

I don't know if
that's such a good idea.

If my mom comes home
and finds out what happened,

she's going to ask me
why I didn't tell her.

And I'm going say
because my dad told me not to.

And then she's going
to curse him out

and kill me.

When are you
coming home?

As soon as his
mom and dad come back.

Are you still
going to teach me

how to French braid
my hair?

Yeah.

Oh, Chris why don't you
go watch your game.

Three, two, one!

Oh, man!

That was a good game!

So, everything
went okay?

Oh, everything went so good.
We had so much fun.

Oh, good!
They were really good.

We should do it again.

For sure!
You know what?

Maybe we could go
to a movie next time.

I wanted this to be
a good night for my parents.

and I didn't want my father to
think I couldn't handle things.

So, I decided to keep
everything that hapened...

to myself.

You know, Yvette,
are you free next Friday?

No, no, no, no, no!

She left us to go get a baby.

But then when she came back,
she burnt your chicken.

So then, this guy came
to the door asking for the baby.

He said his name was Mario
and he was the baby's father.

So then when he left,
she came back,

and the baby wasn't here.

So then she went
too get ge baby back,

her mother came the door
looking for her and the baby.

So then they had a big fight
about where to live.

She said she'd live
at Mario's house.

Who is Mario?!

So then when she came back, she
started braiding Tonya's hair.

Drew got to watcthe game,
you guys came back.

She's trying to make it
look like

everything was
all peachy and fine.

It's not!

I told you we should have
let Chris baby-sit.

Girl, give me
my money back.

I'm going to kick her ass.

Hold my wig.