Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 6 - Everybody Hates Halloween - full transcript

After I turned 13,

a lot of things
I used to when I was 12

seemed like kid stuff.

Like Halloween...

Trick or treat.

Hey, there we go,
Reggie Jackson...

Miss Diana Ross!

Who you supposed to be?

I'm George Jefferson,

you know,
from The Jeffersons.

Chris, do the walk.



** Well, we're movin' on up *
* Movin' on up... **

Oh, yeah, all right.

I love that show.

Here you go.

You think that's bad?

You should have seen the year
I was Kunta Kinte's foot.

It wasn't that I didn't
like Halloween anymore,

I just wanted to celebrate it
like a teenager,

which meant going to a party.

You know, parties,
they used to be like this:

But, eventually,
they became this:

But, at 13, I had never
been to a real party.

All I knew
is that I didn't want

to go trick-or-treating again.



Chris...

Come straight home
so you can go

trick-or-treating
with Drew and Tonya.

Damn!

Transcript: Cfsmp3

Adaptation: Sixe

Be still, baby.

Mom, can I use that Chinese
robe you used to wear?

Sure, what for?

I want to be a samurai.

And do you have anything
I could use as a sword?

Boy, you are not taking
a sword on street.

Man, in Bed-Stuy,

you could get in trouble
just for pointing your finger.

It's down the street, man,
right down there, look...

Drop your weapon!

I ain't got no weapon.

I got the weapon.

That's my finger, man.
That's my finger!

Ma, do I have to take Drew
and Tonya trick-or-treing?at

Chris, somebody has to.

Me and your daddy
are gonna staye and give out candy.

I can give out candy.

Chris, it's only going
to be for an hour,

so take 'em up the street
and around the block,

and then you'll be done.

Do I have to wear a costume?

Not if you don't want to.

All right, baby.

I hope you can make it.

l'll see you
later, Drew.

And remember,
don't tell anybody, okay?

Okay.

I knew Keisha

had a crush on Drew,

but that didn't stop me
from liking her.

Who was that?

Lisa Patterson.

They just invited me
to some Halloween party.

- You got invited to a party.
- Yeah.

I'm not going, though.

I'm going trick-or-treating.

Drew was only 11,

and, as exciting as girls were,

they still couldn't
beat free candy.

You want to go?

You can't go
to a Halloween party.

You're supposed to be
taking us trick-or-treating.

- Why don't you mind your own business?
- This is my business.

This was the first chance
I had to go to a party,

and I was going to go,
even if I wasn't invited.

My father hated buying
Halloween candy.

He didn't like spending
money on stuff we kept,

so buying stuff that we gave
away almost drove him crazy.

Hey, baby.

What's up babe?

Nickers? What's the Nickers?

It's the same as a Snicker Bar.
But it's a lot cheaper.

I go to this place,
they got everything.

Nickers, Two Musketeers, M&N's.

Julius-- Gravy Way?

It's the same as a Milky Way.

But it tastes like gravy.

- Where you going?
- Out.

Mmm... mmm!

You think your mom's
going to let you go?

I hope so.

What are you going to
do about a costume?

I don't know yet.

Last year, I was
Super Flashlight Man.

Why are you wearing
your costume now?

My mom is picking me up
after school.

I'm going to a Star Trek party
at her house.

You know, you really do
look like Spock.

Live long and prosper.

You like getting beat up?
Do that some more.

Sorry.

You'd think a guy

who got his ass kicked
every day

wouldn't leave his house
in tights... you would think.

How old is she?

Lisa? Fifteen.

Dude, you are so in there!

Anytime I did anything
involving a girl,

Greg thought I was "in there."

Chris, can I
borrow a pencil?

Dude, you are so in there.

Hello, Chris.

Dude, you are
so in there.

Had I known what I know now
about teachers,

I'd say that was the one time
he was probably right.

Ready?

Yeah, let's go.

The worst thing about Halloween
in a white school

is that kids
actually prepare for it

like they're going to war.

But Dr. Raymond was making it
his business

to see that things
didn't get out of hand.

Attention, students of
Corleone Junior High.

Although this is Halloween,

I expect order to be maintained.

I will not tolerate vandalism.

I will not tolerate mischief.

I will not tolerate mayhem.

I will not tolerate
terrorism in the halls

in any shape, form or fashion.

Any acts of civil disobedience

will be met with
harsh repercussions.

That is all.

Happy Halloween.

Help me! Help me!

You okay?

Yeah yeah, You okay?

He did the same thing
during the L.A. riots.

What's all that?

Real Halloween candy.

Bags, everything.
I even bought a pumpkin.

That's almost
$23 worth of stuff.

Rochelle...!

Look, Julius, I don't want
people all over the neighborhood

talking about I'm that woman
giving out Butter Thumbs.

What are we going to do with all
this Halloween candy I bought?

That's almost $2.00 worth
of candy in the garbage.

Man, I've never seen
anything like that in my life.

I heard, last year, they set
all the teachers' cars on fire.

Hey, I got an idea for you
for your costume.

What?

Do you know that guy,

he sings that song...
"Little Red Corvette"!

Prince?

Yeah, the girls love that guy,
and...

you sort of
look like him.

You think so?

Yeah, a little bit.

Man, I can't believe we
got through the whole day

without getting stomped.

Yeah, I know.

All right,
catch you later.

- All right. See you.
- Yeah.

So far, Halloween
wasn't going so bad.

Get off! Right now!

Well, I was right
nine seconds ago.

Oh, baby,
what happened?

I got hit with rotten eggs.

Oh! Don't you know better
tean to stand around

and let somebody hit you
with rotten eggs?

Look at your hair, boy.

They ambushed
me on the bus.

Eww, Chris, you stink.

Tonya,
don'you think I know that?

Girl, go on.

Mama, Chris said he's not

taking us trick-or-treating

because he's going
to a party.

What party?

Chris, why do I always

have to find out things
from somebody else?

My mother hated
"finding out about things."

I was going to ask you.

Keisha's friend Lisa
is having a party.

Can I go?

Sure.

I like Keisha.

All right.

What's the matter,
you don't want to go?

You just said I couldn't.

No, I didn't, boy,
I just said yes.

You did?!

Yeah.
Should be fun.

You can go after you
bring Drew and Tonya back.

And I'm going to need her
address and telephone number.

I need to know where you are,
so I won't be worried.

Damn!

* Everybody hates Chris! *

Want me to make you a costume?

Do you want me to make you
a costume?

Prince.

What?

Can you make me
a Prince costume?

Hmm.

Okay, you guys,
have fun and be careful.

And, baby, make sure you take off
the Darth Vader mask so you can breathe.

Oh, and, Chris, I'll have
your costume ready when you get home.

Thanks, Mom.
Oh, and y'all don't eat

any candy until
you get home either.

My mother would never let us

eat the candy
before we got home.

Don't eat the candy
before I look at it!

There could be poison
or anything in there.

One boy ate an apple
with a razor blade in it,

and it cut his head off.

Where are we going?

We're gonna go
trick-or-treat.

Are you looking
for Cocoa?

K eisha.

Her name is Keisha.

Trick-or-treat!
Trick-or-treat!

Hey, look at y'all!

- I like your costume.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Chris, where's your costume?

I'm not trick-or-treating.
I'm just taking them.

Is Keisha here?
No, why?

We're supposed to be going
to a party over at Lisa's,

- but I lost her address.
- Oh.

I'll ask her about it.

Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.

- Tell your mama I said hi.
- Okay.

What are you doing now?

This candy is way too expensive
to be given to one person.

I cannot believe you.

I cannot believe you.

$23 on candy.

Well, I'm sorry, Julius.

Huh?

Well, this is our first
Halloween in the neighborhood,

and I just wanted to make
a good impression.

It's okay.

You want to help me finish
cutting these up?

Okay.

Here.

Cut 'em real small.
Right there.

Can I eat some of my candy?

No. You want your head
to get cut off?

Now, let's go.

I want to get to this party.

Trick-or-treat.

Well, where are your kids?

Oh, they're outside--
just give me the candy

and I'll give it to them.

Trick-or-treat.

I've got the best trick of all.

Knowledge.

Trick-or-treat.

Hey, a ghost.

Ooh!

Thank you, sir.

Trick-or-treat.

Superhero-- that's good.

Up, up and away!

Trick-or-treat.

What are you?

I'm a matador.

Right.

Ole!

Trick-or-treat.

I choose to trick:
Pick a card.

Trick-or-treat.

Man, you've been here
three times.

That wasn't me,
that was my brother.

Trick-or-treat.

Hey! Little dude

- from across the street.
- Hey.

I didn't know you still went
trick-or-treating.

I'm not trick-or-treatin
I'm just taking them.

Hmm.
Let me have some candy.

Hey, you know where
Lisa Patterson's party is?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's gonna be the jam.

You going, too?

I want to, it's just that
I lost the address.

You meet me on the corner

a half an hour,
we can go together.

Okay, then, thanks.

Okay, so why'd you let
him take my candy bar?

That's Mr. Harris.

He was
the neighborhood butcher.

But on Halloween,

he became Sweet Tooth,
the Candy Pimp.

Candy, candy, candy!

Halloween candy!

So what you kids got
in the bags?

Give it up to Sweet Tooth.

Why don't you
leave us alone?

You know,
this is a little light.

- Hey!
- But I'm gonna give you kids

a chance to make it right
for old Sweet Tooth.

Give my sister
her candy back now!

I was so glad
Drew didn't have a sword.

Do I hear back talk?

No.

I thought not.

Now, you kids

get to tricking and to treating.

And you best to have
all my candy.

Sweet Tooth died
two years later

of a bad case of gingivitis.

- Mom, some pimp took all our candy.
- What?

If I had my sword,
it wouldn't have happed.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what?

Next time I'm sending y'all
over to Park Slope.

Park Slope was the last thing
on my mind.

For the first time in my life,
I was going to a party.

Oh, and, Chris,
I got your costume.

Ooh, woo!

Can I have your autograph,
please?

Do that thing,
do that thing.

* Oh, oh! **

Oh! One more time,
one more time.

* Oh, oh! *

You left the address
and the telephone number, right?

I'm gonna leave it
on the table.

Okay. Don't mess up
my coat, boy.

Even though I didn't know
the phone number,

I was just going to a party
a few blocks away.

As long as I came back on time,

I didn't have anything
to worry about.

Now, this is what
I'm talking about!

I waited 13 years

to get to my first party,

and now I'm here.

Let's get this party started!

* Break it up, break it up,
break it up! **

* Throw your hands in the air *

* Wave 'em like
you just don't care *

* And if you came to party *

** Don't want to go home,
somebody say, oh, yeah *

* If your woman steps out
with another man **

* That's the breaks,
that's the breaks *

** And she runs off with him
to Japan *

* That's the breaks,
that's the breaks *

** And the IRS says
they want to chat **

* That's the breaks,
that's the breaks *

** And you can't explain
why you paid your tax **

* That's the breaks,
that's the breaks *

** And Ma Bell sent you
a whopping bill *

They act like
they've never seen

a kid in a Prince suit before.

I sure hope that's
a girl and a guy.

* That's the breaks,
that's the breaks *

** And yesterday
you lost your job *

* That's the breaks,
that's the breaks *

** Well, these are the breaks *

* Break it up, break it up,
break it up! *

Planned Parenthood,
here we come.

Not another one.

Hey, Julius.

Hey.

- Is R...
- Rochelle!

Hey, girl, how you doing?

I'm okay.

Chris came by earlier
asking me about this party.

- Lisa's party.
- Right. But he said that

he was gonna see
Keisha there.

But I told Keisha she
could not go to that party

'cause those kids
are too old.

- Ooh. Now, that's a problem.
- Mm-hmm.

I have the number.
Come on in.

Thank you.

Shabazz Liquors.

Shabazz Liquor?!

What's going on, man?

- Hey, let me get one.
- You take this.

Whoa...

Take your time, man,
slow it down, slow it down.

Jerome's liver died

three years before he did.

Why don't you go
ask her to dance?

I ain't never asked a girl
to dance before.

The worst thing she
could say is no.

Jerome was right.

At that moment I realized

a woman needs a man
to take control of a situation.

And that's what I intended
to do.

Hey, Keisha,

you want to dance?

Hell, no!
Are you crazy?

Actually, all she said was no.

But when you're 13,
no sounds a lot like this...

Why are you dressed
in that stupid costume?

What are you supposed
to be anyways?

Why are you here?
Didn't nobody invite you.

I invited Drew.
Get out of my face.

Dang, Keisha.

All you had to say was no.

Hey, you all right?

I'll be okay.

You want to dance?

Th-This is a slow song.

I know.

You better not
touch my butt.

Lisa Patterson was the first
girl that ever had pity on me.

To this day, I love pity.

* I love you **

** I bet you didn't know that, girl *

* Y didn't know that *

** I need you *

** Right now, baby,
right now, baby *

* And I bet you didn't
know that *

* Ebony eyes... **

All right, that's it.

Man, I should have felt
her ass.

A brother's got to try.

Maybe next time.

Even though I'd been hit
with rotten eggs,

forced to go trick-or-treating,
and humiliated by Keisha,

at that moment,
my dream was complete.

I had gone to a party,

and nothing could
take that away from me.

Shabazz Liquor, huh?

Okay, so I was wrong.