Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Everybody Hates Fat Mike - full transcript

I got a new bike when we moved.

Now, before 13-year-olds
started driving Bentleys,

a new bike
was pretty impressive.

My last bike had gotten stolen,

so my father had one rule.

Don't let nobody ride it.

My mother had one rule, too.

Chris,
you can only ride

from this end of the block
to that end of the block.

Sometimes, I could only ride in
a circle in front of the house.

There were hundreds of kids
on my block,



but only four fathers.

There was Mr. Jenkins.

He had all girls,
so he was always screaming.

Hey! Hey!

You boys get away
from my daughter.

Mr. Parrish's wife
cheated on him,

so he was always checking

to see if his kids
looked like him.

He was the first man
in Bed-Stuy to get a DNA test.

Mr. Hutchins had two grandsons
who wouldn?t move out.

They're holding out like, "Last
one dies get's the apartment."

And there's my dad, Julius.
Morning, Julius!

Because unemployment
was so high,

the dads all knew each other,



'cause they were the only men
going to work in the morning.

Between these four dads,
they had 16 jobs

and worked 492 hours a week!

Bed-Stuy wasn't the best
neighborhood in Brooklyn,

but it wasn't quite as bad
as people thought.

You say, "Bed-Stuy,"
and people think this:

But it was
a pretty regular place.

Mail got delivered.

People ran businesses.

Kids played in the street.

My problem was,
since I didn't go to school

in the neighborhood,

the thugs didn't know me,

so they would rob me
almost every single day.

Yo, yo, yo, little man.

You live around here?

I live right down there.

I could tell him where I lived,

but then he might
break in my house.

Man, what school you go to?

Corleone Junior High.

Corleone?

You ever heard of that?
No.

Y'all ever heard
of Corleone Junior High?

These fools
never heard of Yale!

Hey, man, we ain't never
heard of that.

So, uh...

why don't you let
me hold a dollar?

In case you didn't know,
when a criminal says,

"Let me hold something,"

that means you're never
getting it back.

Let me hold your
cash register.

Thank you.

It could have been worse.

I could have been going
to pay the light bill.

Nothing could stop my father
from working

unless work stopped working.

Duckers are on strike
today over dangerous conditions

brought about what they call
"lack of adequate signage."

Apparently, a driver was injured
in an explosion

caused when gasoline fumes were
ignited as he filled his tank.

I can't believe this!

What's wrong?

I'm on strike.

What happened?

They say we're
in dangerous conditions,

and they got to put warning
signs on the truck,

'cause some guy
got in an accident.

It was a little more
than an accident.

Well, how long do you think
this is gonna last?

I don't know, but I can't
be out of work right now.

I'm trying to put some extra
money down on the heat bill.

Plus, the kids need
new winter coats.

Well, Chris could wear
Drew's old coat.

And Tanya will be okay.

Her sleeves might be
a little short, but we'll just

buy her longer gloves.

Fool don't know better
than to light fire around gas,

and now I'm all messed up.

Baby, don't worry,
I can just go down

to the temp agency on Monday
and get a job.

They like me.

My mother was pretty good with
people when she wanted to be,

so she never had any problem
getting a job.

Oh, you can stick it!

I told you not
to call my old job.

You trying to get
that secretary job?

Girl, I like your shoes.

Rochelle.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yo, little man,
let me hold a dollar.

I don't have any money.

So what you got, then?

Nothing!

I stopped carrying stuff, 'cause
every time I come by here,

you ask me where I live.

I say, "Right down there,"
and then you rob me anyway.

You live around here?

Yeah, right down there.

That's a nice bike.

Look at that. Yeah.

That's new?
Yeah.

Why don't you, uh,
let me take a ride on your bike.

Translation:
Can I steal your bike, please?

My dad said not
to let anybody ride it.

Why don't you guys
leave him alone?

Yo, Fat Mike.

You know this dude?

Yeah. He lives
right up the street.

Man, why you ain't say
you know Fat Mike?

Uh, because I don't.

Fat Mike...

you know him?

No.

Come on, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me hold a dollar.

Why do you hang out
with those guys?

I just know them
from the block.

I wasn't sure why Fat Mike
was hanging with me,

but as long as it kept me from
getting robbed, I was cool.

You go to school around here?

Yeah. Where do you go?

Corleone. It's all the way
over in Brooklyn Beach.

Why all the way
over there?

My mom.

She thinks it's "better."

That's a nice bike.

How long you had it?

About three months now.

I got it for my birthday.

I wish I had that one.

Why do they call you Fat Mike?

They just always did.

There were about ten Mikes
in my neighborhood

Big Head Mike spent more time
in jail than out of jail.

White Mike was just a white guy
who lived on the block.

Family didn't have
enough money to leave.

Tall Mike played ball.

Monster Mike just scared kids.

And Mike Mike was actually

the first Mike
that lived on the block

But his real name was Paul.

Oh, don't be
scared of them.

They'll leave you alone
after a while.

Translation:
When they go to jail.

You want to hang out
after school tomorrow?

I can't.

I got to go to Jersey
to see my father.

I think I was the first kid
that Fat Mike knew

that actually had a father
that lived at home.

All right,
then I'll catch you later.

My father felt uncomfortable
when he didn't have a job.

So when he was home, he would
do any work he could find.

* I work *

* I work *

* I work *

** I work, baby *

* I work *

* I work **

** I work *

* I work **

* I work *

* I work, baby **

* I work **

* I work... *

Five cents worth of bread.

** I work, baby... *

Ten cents worth of Kool-Aid.

* I work-- I get the job done **

* I work, baby, I work! *

Hey, man.

You want to take a ride
down to the park?

I can't go
off the block.

Well, can I take a ride
on your bike?

Can't let anybody ride it.

I'm only going to the corner.

Cool guys always have a way
of making you feel like a punk

if you don't do what they say.

All right, I guess so.

But it's only
down to the corner.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Fat Mike!

Fat Mike!

Boy, stop all the hollering
and put your bike up.

It's time to come in.

Hi, Mom.

Hey, Mom.

Daddy showed me
how to fold napkins.

Julius,
what's all this?

Hey, babe,
how are you doing?

You were working, so I wanted
to have dinner ready for you.

I cleaned the house
too.

Daddy washed
and ironed

all my school clothes.

Mine, too.

He even sewed up
the holes in my socks.

Did he, now?

Looks like
you were really busy today.

You would think my mother
would be happy

that my father was helping out.

But if losing
his job was bad,

doing her job
was worse.

You want to eat?

No, I'm not that hungry.

Hey, Mom.

What's with mum?

She probably got a headache
from work or something.

Uh, did you bring
your bike in?

Yeah.

- You didn't let anybody ride it...
- No!

Good.

These guys around here
will steal it.

Got that sausage.

I'm full, Dad.

Me, too.
Those biscuits were good.

Made 'em from scratch.

Hey, Dad,
can we have

bacon tomorrow?

Anything for you, baby.

All right, you guys, uh,

finish getting ready for school.

- All right.
- Chris,

I was in the
basement.

I didn't see your bike.

I put it under a sheet
so it wouldn't get dirty.

- Not my good sheets?
- No, ma'am.

If my parents found out
about my bike,

this was gonna be my last meal.

What you put in these eggs?

Just a little ham,

cheddar cheese, season salt,

a touch of basil, and

just a-a little dash
of hot sauce.

Taste a little funny.

You want something else?

I'll have some sausage.

Okay.

Mmm.

A little dry.

Rochelle,

I feel bad enough
about not working.

I don't need you around here

complaining about
how I do things.

Well, if you did things right,
I wouldn't have complain.

Half the stuff around here
I do better than you.

It ain't that hard.

My father was the oldest
of ten brothers and sisters.

He had been cooking
and cleaning all of his life.

But even if the job wasn't
that hard

he's not supposed to say it.

What?

You got something to say?

WARNING! The following scene contains
language of a frank and explicit nature.

Viewer discrestion is advised.

Well, ain't this about a b...

Ooh!

Are you crazy?!

You do my job for one day.

O oh!

And I make that damn hard!

You baking, frying,
biscuit-baking,

pancake-making,
bald-headed bastard!

You must think I'm crazy!

You can kiss
my ain't-that-hard

Have you lost your mind?!

And that was my mother's way
of letting him off easy.

Got that?

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey.

What's up, little man?

I was looking for Fat Mike.

You know Fat Mike?

Yeah. I was here the other day
when y'all tried to rob me.

Oh.

Yeah, you're the little dude
from across the street, huh?

Man,hat's the
little dude from across the street.

Oh, yeah.

We didn't know
that was you.

You said that
like I had on a disguise.

Man, I ain't seen Fat Mike.

I ain't seen
him, either.

Well, if you you see him,
can you let him know

that Chris was looking for him?

Little dude?

You know him?

Nope.

All right.
All right.

Yeah, fresh meat.

Yeah, what's up?
Yeah.

Back.

Let me hold a dollar.

I didn't know
Fat Mike's real name

I didn't know where he lived.

All I knew was,
I had to get my bike back,

because if I didn't...

Mama, where's Chris?

Somebody stole his bike

after I told him not to let
anybody ride it.

So I smacked him
into next week.

I told you.

He'll be back on Tuesday.

Chris... please.

Mom, Dad found $20
cleaning under my bed.

That's nice.

He let me keep five.

Daddy, can you fix
my doll's dress?

It ripped.

I can do that for you, baby.

Oh, I want Dad to do it.

He sews good.

"Well," I sew well.

I guess you do.

Dad, this is good.

What's this called?

It's nothing.

Just...

Mmm, it tastes
like syrup.

It's maple barbecue
baked chicken.

Is that why
it's so sweet?

Oh, Ma,

Dad cleaned the dishes good.

I can see myself in the spoon.

Oh, Dad,
do we have dessert?

Well, do we?

Yeah.

Peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler!
Peach cobbler!

Oh, I love peach cobbler!
Whoo!

Ma, how come you never
made peach cobbler?

he made the ice cream
from scratch, too.

Mm-hmm.

Can you pass
some butter, please?

It's supposed
to be biscuits.

Yeah. You want
that biscuit?

Dad, did you make
the soda, too?

Hey, need any help
with the disshes?

Oh, no, baby, I got it.

Don't worry about it

Yeah, well, I guess
I'm going to go to bed, then.

Okay.

When do you think
this strike is going to end?

I don't know.

They're still trying
to figure out

who's going to pay
for the truck signs.

Well, I hope
they figure it out soon.

* ...And learn the way
of love, my baby *

* And all that it has
to offer. *

Only a woman can make you
feel wrong for doing right.

Listen, I need
a favor from you guys.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Now, this is a little unusual,

but I need you to do
what I tell you.

I want you to mess
the house up.

- Whoa.
- What?

Mess the house up?

Won't Mama get mad?

Yeah, but don't
worry about it.

Can I set Chris on fire?

No, baby,

don't set Chris on fire, okay?

At least this time
she asked for permission.

Okay.

Good. Now mess up
your beds,

eat a snack,
leave your plates out.

Leave your drawers
in the hallway.

Just don't set
your brother on fire, all right?

Now, go!

Yes!

All right, when I get done,
can I go outside?

Yeah, but just out front.

Yeah!

Black people didn't go
this crazy again

until the L.A. riots.

I looked everywhere
for Fat Mike.

Well, considering I didn't
go past the corner,

everywhere was about a block.

Hey, baby.

It's getting late,
so why don't you get your bike

and come inside for dinner

I'm sure your father made
some fantastic meal.

I figured maybe if I told her

about my bike outside,
she wouldn't kill me

because of all the witnesses.

Mom, Mom, Mom.

I got to tell
you something.

What is it?

I love your cooking.

Thank you, baby.

Get your bike
and come on inside.

Where were you?

You said you'd bring
my bike back two days ago.

Sorry.

That's it?
Sorry?

Well, what do you want me to say?
I brought it back.

You act like I was going
to steal it or something.

I did think
you stoled it.

Well, I didn't.

I didn't know
a lot about Fat Mike,

but that's when I found out
he wasn't a thief.

Hey...

What?

I just didn't know
where you were.

Well, your mom said not to let
anyone ride your bike.

So I kept it so you wouldn't
get in trouble.

Now to him, that just makes
perfect sense.

You had my bike,

so why would I want
your bike?

Anyway...

you coming out tomorrow?

Yeah, I guess so.

I'll see you then.

That's what the call
a friendship in Bed Stuy--

a guy who doesn't steal
your bike.

Hey, Ma.

Hi, ba... by.

What in the world?

Julius!

Huh?

What in the world
happened in here?!

Huh?

I cannot believe...

What is this?

I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?
- What time is it?

It looks like a whirlwind.

He what are you going
to make for dinner?

Huh?

WARNING! The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature.

Viewer discretion is advised.

Have you lost
your monkey-ass mind?

Dinner?

Do I look like Florence
from The Jeffersons?

Get over here and
pick this crap up

before I smack
the shine off your head.

Today marks the end
of the strike

by local truckers, which began
after one of the drivers

was injured in an explosion

caused by what
the drivers termed

"lack if adequate signage."

An agreement was signed
last night,

and truckers will be back on the road
- Yes!

...tomorrow.

Thank you, Rob.
In other news...

Good morning.

Good morning, Daddy.

Ma, these pancakes
are good.

Yeah, Dad, how come you can't
make pancakes like this?

I don't know.

I just don't have that
touch like your mother.

Chris, who was that little boy
you were hanging with yesterday?

Who, Fat Mike?

Fool, now you know
you are not supposed

to be calling
somebody fat.

That's his name.

What kind of name
is Fat Mike?

That's just what
they call him.

Well, you just be
careful out there.

And don't let that boy
ride your bike.

That's how your last one
got stolen.

As much as my mother
complain

about housework, she hated
to have somebody else do it.

And after my father
got his job back,

she got to do one of the things
she does best...

File your own damn papers.

I do not need this.

My husband has two jobs.

Mother back at home

and father back at work

everything was back
to normal again.

Yo, little man,
let me hold a dollar.

I know Fat Mike.

Who?

Fat Mike.

You know me.

I'm the little dude
across the street.

What's that supposed to mean?
We don't live around here.

Help me!

Hey, man...
back here!