Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 20 - Everybody Hates Playboy - full transcript

[***]

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was a teenager,

I discovered
a lot of new things.

I discovered sour milk
doesn't always become yogurt.

I discovered the barber
who's always available

isn't always the best.

[SCREAMING]

Next!
I also discovered

that if
you hit people with a truck,

they will do
anything you want.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]



Another thing I discovered

is if you're gonna buy
cheap furniture,

you better stock up
on Krazy Glue.

How come this table
keeps wobbling?

I don't know. Your daddy
was supposed to fix it.

Chris, go get
your father's Krazy Glue.

If we didn't have Krazy Glue,

thiswould have
happened to our house.

And I also discovered
something

that would
change my life forever.

Playboymagazine?

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

[***]



DiscoveringPlayboy
changed my life.

It was a foldout
of the most beautiful women,

with jokes on the back,
football stats, cars

and an interview
with McLean Stevenson.

I thought Keisha was cute,

but I'd push her
in front of a gas truck

to get to Miss June.

Oh, my God, this kicks ass
on the Sears catalog.

Does your dad know
you took this?

I gotta get it back
before he finds out it's gone.

Wow. Is that aPlayboy?
None of your business.

Now get out of here.
Come on.

I'll give you a dollar to look.

Okay, fine.

Right here, one minute.

Greg, give it to him.

Who knew you could make money

off of naked women?

[GROANING]

What?
Ugh.

The truck break down again?
Ugh, no.

I tried to kill a spider, broke
the handle off the dresser.

Spider?
Yeah.

I don't know
where they're coming from,

but we gotta do something.

Drew is scared
to death of spiders.

My brother Drew
wasn't scared of anything,

but after he sawThe Fly,
he was terrified of spiders.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING
ON TV]

[WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV]

[DREW WHIMPERING]

CHRIS ROCK:
I don't want
to tell you what happened

after he sawUrban Cowboy.

Okay, I-I'll go get
some bug spray after work.

Okay. Where's the Krazy Glue
so I can fix this?

It should be in my toolbox.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong with you?
Let me fix it.

I know what to do
with Krazy Glue.

It's trickier
than you might think.

You might glue your fingers
together. Let me do it.

Okay then, damn.
Okay. Thank you. Okay.

My father knew

that if my mother
ever found thatPlayboy,

he'd probably never
see a naked woman again.

Unfortunately,
he couldn't find it either.

I soon discovered that trying
to keep aPlayboymagazine

from a teenage boy
is like trying

to keep diamond teeth
from a rapper.

Somebody's gonna get that
money, might as well be me.

Quarter a peek and...
you're done.

You're next. A dollar a look,
a quarter a peek.

Thank you.

Okay, time's up. Next.

I'm next.

I found the one thing
that united the races:

women.

Thanks, Mantan.
Hey, give it back.

That's my dad's.
Like your father can read.

My father could ask
my mother

if anybody
had been in the toolbox,

but he knew questions
made my mother suspicious.

Can I go play over
at Tricia's house?

What you need to go
over her house for?

What you gonna do there
you can't do here?

And why you acting
all suspicious?

Oh. Hey, Mom, what time is it?

What you need
to know the time for?

What are you gonna do,
rob a bank?

You're acting suspicious.

Can I have more potatoes?

What you need
more potatoes for?

Boy, you getting high?
You starting to act suspicious.

Julius, what are you doing?

Uh... Huh? Uh...

I-I thought I saw a spider
crawl under here,

and I figured I'd better
kill it before Drew saw it.

Well, I'm going to the store
to pick up stuff for dinner.

I'll get a can of bug spray too.
Okay.

Did you fix the dresser yet?

Uh, got
the Krazy Glue right here.

Oh, good.

You okay?

No.

Yeah.

Okay.

The only place my father
hadn't looked for thatPlayboy

was in his own room.

Then he realized
that if my mother found it,

she could be saving it
to use against him.

Rochelle, why'd you spend
all this money on a coat?

Miss June has one.

[***]

Five hundred dollars?

Hey.

What do you want, Tito?
I need the magazine back.

You need to get out of here
before I knock your teeth out.

My dad's gonna kill
me if I don't get it back.

Too bad. I sold it.

See you at your funeral,
Slappy.

After my father found that
money, he was scared to think

what my mother might
want to do with it.

I'm sick of you.
I got my own money.

I'm out of here,
you cheap bastard!

Baby.

Don't leave me, baby.

Don't leave.

Rochelle.
Can you explain this?

Where did you find that?
In your shoe.

What were you doing in my shoe?
Don't try to change the subject.

What's $500 doing in your shoe?

Where'd you get this?
That doesn't make a difference.

I want to know why you
were going through my stuff.

I don't go
through your stuff.

Yes, she does.
He just never caught her.

Rochelle, that's not the point.

I just wanna know
about this money.

You meanmymoney?
What you mean, your money?

I made it, I saved it,
so it's my money.

Let me get this straight.

The money I make,
that's everybody's money,

but the money you make,
that's your money?

That's right.

Hey, any of you guys
see my copy ofPlayboy?

It was here about
10 minutes ago,

but some eighth grader took it.
Look over there.

They were huddled up
like they were gonna run

the winning play
at the Super Bowl.

What are you doing?
Hey, calm down.

Wanna take a look? It's $1.00.
But it's my magazine.

Caruso took it.
And that's my problem?

All right, who wants
to look next?

Hey, Chris!

[***]

Oh! Ooh!

Oh...

To whom does this belong?
It used to belong to me.

Well, then. Until we figure out

who brought this
into our school,

I guess it belongs to me.

* Everybody hates Chris

What's all that bug spray
in the kitchen for?

There's a spider in your room.
There's a spider in my room?

Can I sleep with you
until you guys catch it?

No. Your father will kill it.

CHRIS ROCK:
When Tonya discovered
Drew was scared of spiders,

she couldn't wait
to use it against him.

Julius, can you make sure
you kill the spider, please?

I might not
be able to find it.

Could be hiding
in one of your shoes.

[SHRIEKS]
[LAUGHS]

It's my hand.

Julius, how come you're acting

so childish about this?

How would you feel if somebody
went through your stuff

and took something
that belonged to you?

What? I don't have
nothing to take.

I'm just saying. What if Chris
went through your stuff

and took something?
Why'd you pick me?

Why not Drew or Tonya?
Why you acting suspicious?

Suspicious? I'm not suspicious.

Well, you sure as hell
acting like it. Eat your food.

Ah!

Later that night
I discovered

my father knew
hisPlayboywas missing.

Chris. You been in my toolbox?

No. Why?

Uh, nothing.

Those tools will hurt you.

If Miss June knew how much
trouble she was causing,

she wouldn't be smiling.

Drew. Have you seen, uh...

anything...unusual
around here lately?

Like what, a UFO?

What? Now, why would a UFO...?

Never mind.

He even started to grill Tonya.

Tonya, baby?

Yes, Daddy?

Um...

I love you.

That's nice.

The vice principal had
my magazine, but I had money,

so I figured replacing it
wouldn't be a problem.

Three fifty.

Now get out of here,
before I call a cop.

For what? You just robbed me!
This don't cost $3.50.

Really?
Then why don't we call your mom

and tell her you're trying
to buy aPlayboy?

Hey, Miss June was fine,

but she wasn't worth going
to jail.

[SIGHS]

My last option
was to go to Risky.

Since all his stuff was stolen,
I knew he wouldn't call a cop.

He'd get you liquor.
It's for my uncle.

Yeah, don't drink it
all at once.

He'd get you cigarettes.
It's for my mother.

Yeah, don't smoke them
all at once.

He could even get
plutonium.

[BOX CLICKING]

It's for my daughter.

So I figured
I wouldn't have a problem.

Playboymagazine?

I ain't selling you
noPlayboymagazine.

Boy, what you think this is?

I know your mama.
Now, how do you think she'd feel

if she knew you were trying
to buy aPlayboymagazine?

If you want beer or cigarettes,
that's one thing.

APlayboymagazine?
You better keep on moving.

Tell your mama I said hey.

I want Wild Cherry to win
in the fifth race at Saratoga.

If I was going to get
thePlayboyback,

there was only one way
to do it.

I've gotta steal it from
the vice principal's office.

Dude, wait. That's burglary.
I know that.

Want me to commit burglary
or be a victim of murder?

Okay, but if we're going
outside the law,

we've got to do it right.

[***]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

That's it then.
Every day she goes to lunch

in the teachers' lounge
after fifth period.

She smokes three cigarettes,
which takes 20 minutes.

All we have to do is get in,
find the magazine

and get out
before she gets back.

Except we don't know
where the magazine is.

Fischer told me it was

in the bottom left-hand
drawer of her desk.

I hope he's right.

Don't worry,
Fischer knows everything.

What if we get caught?

Then we're dead.

I was really hoping you
weren't gonna say that.

Don't worry.
I'll go in and get it.

It's my magazine.

All you have to do
is give me a signal

if you see anybody coming.

I hope this works.
Me too.

[SHOUTING, GUNSHOTS ON TV]

Drew, guess what I found?

[ANNOYED]
What?

[SCREAMS]

What the hell
is going on in here?

Tonya has a spider.
No, I don't.

Tonya, what are you hiding?

It's just a ring.

Leave Drew alone.

Would you like it if he went
around scaring you?

He can't scare me.
I like spiders.

And I ain't scared of nothing.
Mm-hm.

There was only one thing
Tonya was scared of...

and Drew knew it.

[***]

Here.

What's this?
My $500--

I mean,our$500.

So why you giving it to me now?

'Cause I don't wanna
fight anymore.

Baby...

I don't wanna
fight anymore either.

But why'd you feel you had
to hide money from me?

I wasn't really hiding it.
I was just...

keeping it in a safe place

in case something happened.
Like what?

Julius, you work hard,

and we barely make
ends meet now.

I mean, God forbid
something happens to you.

I mean, you could get hit by
a postal truck or a gas truck.

Get run over by a car,
get high blood pressure,

get the flu, gout,

pneumonia,
scoliosis, scurvy.

You could fall off
a building,

trip off the escalator,
get jumped, get stabbed.

You could get
MS, ALS, CHP, CCBD.

What's that?
I don't know,

but it sounds
like it'll kill you.

Look, baby, I just
wanted a cushion

to fall back on, that's all.

Is that all?

Yeah.

Come here.

Here.

Take your money, put it away.

I'm sorry.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You go in my shoe again,
I'm gonna knock your ass out.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[***]

[SCREAMING]

JULIUS:
You got that?!

If I ever catch you
scaring your sister

or wearing lipstick,
we gonna have a problem.

You hear me?

All right, baby,
you can go back to bed now.

I changed your sheets.

You ready?
Yeah.

Walkie-talkies?
The range is only 100 feet,

so I'll stay close.

[***]

Man!

Come on. The hallway's
getting empty.

I can't stay here
much longer.

I'm hurrying!
Just keep an eye out!

I've got it.

Abort, abort!
Perimeter not secure!

Oh, no!

Greg?

Greg?

Forget it.

Well, I guess we know to whom
this magazine belongs.

The last place I wanted
my father

to find hisPlayboy
was at my school.

I confiscated this.

Playboy?Well, what does
Chris have to do with that?

MILONE:
Somebody brought it
to school,

and I believe it was your son.

Chris?

Is this true?
I wanted to lie,

but my mother always told me
if I did,

she'd slap me
into another nationality.

Well, I'm waiting.

Yeah.

Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Heh-heh.
Hey, it's justPlayboy.

I mean, it really doesn't
matter. Boys will be boys.

Is that all you have to say?
"Boys will be boys"?!

Chris, where did you get
aPlayboyfrom, anyway?

That look means, "Boy, I know
I've never asked you to lie,

but please don't tell your
mother that that's myPlayboy."

I found it?

Usually, I would suspend you
for this sort of behavior,

but I think this is
best handled by the parents.

You best believe we're going
to handle it, right, Julius?

Yeah, we gonna handle this.

I'll take that.
What you going to do with it?

Here's what
he really wanted to do.

[***]

[CAR HORN BLARING]

I'll dispose of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's...
That's a good idea.

Disposing is good.

Come out here, boy.
Unh!

One of the ways I always tried
to avoid getting beatings

was pretending to be asleep.

Get up, boy.
You ain't fooling nobody.

I'm sorry
I took your magazine, Dad.

You shouldn't take other
people's things, Chris.

That's why I put it away.

But also, you're too young
for that stuff.

Yeah, but it's just pictures.

Look how much trouble
"just pictures" caused you.

You got chased,
your mama's mad,

and you almost got
kicked out of school.

That's when I discovered that
even if they're made of paper,

the wrong kind of woman
can really mess up your life.

Look, I know
you're interested in girls,

but there's a lot
for you to learn first.

If you never need anything,
you can talk to me.

But don't go in my toolbox.

After that, my father started

hiding things
in his fish tackle box.

I never told him I found it
the next day.

I promise. Things didn't
turn out that bad, though.

I made $28 off thatPlayboy.

My magazine, my money.

Here, you can keep that.

* Everybody hates Chris

Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now