Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 21 - Everybody Hates Jail - full transcript

Chris has to sell cookies in order to go on a field trip to Washington D.C. Meanwhile Julius and Rochelle had tickets for Dreamgirls but Drew and Tonya get sick.

[***]

NARRATOR:
Growing up in Brooklyn,
I always thought that traveling

to faraway places was something
that only rich people did.

At 13, I'd never been
out of New York,

but all that
was about to change.

Class,
I have an announcement.

We're all going on a field trip
to Washington, D.C.

[STUDENTS MURMURING]

You just need to have
your parents

sign your permission slips
and sell

30 boxes of cookies
to cover the cost of the trip.



Chris.

If your people
can't afford to pay cash,

I'll see if we'll accept
food stamps.

NARRATOR:
She acts like it's caviar.

It's just cookies, damn.

How are we going to get there?

We're chartering a bus.

Prepare to sit in the back,
Birmingham.

NARRATOR:
I'd like to sit you
under a bus.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

[***]

Happy anniversary.

What's this?



Oh, baby, you didn't
have to get me anything!

NARRATOR:
Oh, yes, he did.

My father learned that
the hard way.

You're the one that told me
not to get you nothing!

[GRUNTS]

What you stab me for?
Rochelle!

NARRATOR:
And it was just Arbor Day.

Rochelle!

Go ahead, open it.

Let's see what you got me.

This is so sweet, baby.

Dreamgirls!

Oh, baby! Mwah!

How did you get tickets
toDreamgirls?

These are expensive.

It's okay,
I got them from Risky.

Risky?

NARRATOR:
My father has gotten tickets
from Risky before,

for the Ali-Frazier fight
at Madison Square Garden.

Ooh!
What happened?

[BELL RINGING]
Who's down? What happened?

Man!

[BAND PLAYING FUNK MUSIC]

What's she wearing?

Did she throw her shoe yet?

[SCREAMS]

Smell it! Smell it!

Yes, I love you, girl!
Whoo!

Don't worry, we're gonna
have a good time, okay?

We are! We're gonna
have a good time!

Thank you, baby. You are
the sweetest man in the world.

Tonya, breakfast!

Mama, I think something bit me.

No, baby, I don't think
these are bites.

You've got chicken pox.

Huh?

Who gave her chicken pox?

Wasn't me.

Want me to get
the Robitussin?

No, I don't think Robitussin's
gonna help this.

Look, Chris and Drew,

I don't need y'all
getting sick,

so I need y'all to
stay away from Tonya.

NARRATOR:
That's like saying
stay away from a serial killer.

BOTH:
Okay.

Mom. Did you sign
my permission slip?

It's in your book, baby.

Permission for what?

A field trip
to Washington, D.C.

I need to sell
cookies so I can go.

Can you take
a few boxes to work?

Oh, I'm sorry, Chris,

but I can't ask these people
to buy nothing else.

I've sold Yvonne
for your mother,

wrapping paper for Tonya,

chocolate bars for Drew...

Okay.

No, no, no.

I'll tell you what.

I'll buy two boxes for myself
to get you started.

The rest, you're gonna
have to handle yourself.

Thanks, Dad.

NARRATOR:
With at least 100,000 people
living in Bed-Stuy,

selling 28 boxes of cookies
couldn't be that hard.

Hello?

She said she was 18!

[***]

Hey!

BOTH:
Would you like to buy...

Oh.
Never mind.

Would you like to buy
some cookies?

I'll take four.

What are you doing?

He has diabetes.

You trying to kill him?

NARRATOR:
I can't believe it's harder
selling cookies than crack.

My mother told us
to stay away from Tonya,

but it was too late for Drew.

You're gonna make it worse, boy.
Stop scratching.

NARRATOR:
Why don't she just tell him
to stop growing hair?

But it itches.

Sit over here.

Mama, my booty itches.

Oh, come here.
Let me see.

See, baby, you can't scratch,
you got to pat.

See? Does that
feel better?

Yes.
All right, go back to bed, okay?

Let me see.

Ooh, 100 degrees,
that's not so bad.

Here, lay down,
get some rest.

I'll come check on you later.
And stop scratching.

You're making me itch.

You find anyone?

Nobody wants to baby-sit
kids with chicken pox.

[SIGHS]
Well, there goes
Dreamgirls.

Thanks anyway, baby.
You know what?

This would have been the best
present you ever gave me.

NARRATOR:
It wouldn't be the first time
my parents missed something

because one of us was sick.

I got a coupon
for a free dinner!

Oh, I'm gonna get dressed.

Mama, I have rabies!

Damn!

I got Michael Jackson tickets!

Oh, I'll call the sitter.

Mama, my eye fell out.

Damn!

We just won a trip to Miami!

Ooh, I'm gonna go get packed!

Ma, I think I broke my neck.

Damn.

I'm sorry.
Oh, no, Julius, it's okay.

We'll just spend
another anniversary at home.

At least we'll be together.
You know what?

These tickets
are expensive.

There's no reason why both
of us should sit at home.

I'll watch the kids.

You go.
Okay.

NARRATOR:
If she had a ball,
she could have

played for the Jets.
Sheila!

We're going to seeDreamgirls!
That's right.

NARRATOR:
Women never catch you in a lie
when you want them to.

Daddy, can you
scratch my booty?

Please?

[***]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

Dude, you got to
pull it together.

This is the best
field trip all year.

I might get to
see Tip O'Neill.

Who?

You've never heard
of Thomas "Tip" O'Neill?

NARRATOR:
Not unless he's related
to Shaquille.

He's only like the most famous

Speaker of the House
of Representatives ever.

I don't know
what else I can do.

I knocked on, like,
100 doors.

Well, you better knock
on 100 more, Jermaine,

'cause if I'm not
on that bus to D.C.,

I'm gonna freedom march
all over your face.

NARRATOR:
Counting the two boxes of
cookies I had sold to my dad,

I had sold two boxes of cookies
and had one stolen.

I needed a new strategy.

Excuse me, would you like
to buy a box of cookies?

Can I get drunk
on those cookies?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, Risky, you want to buy
a box of cookies?

Hey, youngblood,
I don't buy, I sell.

You want to buy a VCR?
No, thanks.

Hey. You need a VCR?

I got one already.

Fell off the truck
this morning.

Really?
I'll take two.

NARRATOR:
I never realized the only stuff
that sold on the street

in my neighborhood
was stolen stuff.

Cookies!
Cookies for sale!

Chocolate chip, peanut butter,
Do-Si-Do, chocolate mint!

I got cookies.

They just fell off
the truck this morning.

Why didn't you say so?

Give me two boxes.

[***]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

Thank you.

NARRATOR:
I couldn't wait
to get back to school.

MAN:
You the kid selling
the cookies?

Right off the truck.

How many you want?

None. You're under arrest.

* Everybody hates Chris

[***]

NARRATOR:
All I knew about getting
arrested was what I saw on TV.

They read you your rights...

You have the right
to remain silent.

NARRATOR:You get a phone call.
You get one call.

NARRATOR:The food is horrible.
Thanks.

NARRATOR:
What I found out was that the
worst part of getting arrested

is being treated
like a criminal.

Excuse me, can I
use the bathroom?

Should have thought
about using the bathroom

before you started
selling stolen goods.

I wasn't selling
stolen goods.

Then we must have got
the wrong guy.

Don't I get,
like, a phone call?

Should have thought about
making a phone call

before you started
selling stolen goods.

NARRATOR:
I know I looked cool
on the outside,

but on the inside,
I was doing this...

[SOBBING]
I won't do it anymore,
I promise!

I'm not a thief!

I want my mama!

NARRATOR:
All I was thinking was
one way or another,

I wish they'd let me go.

Back at home, my father
was thinking the same thing.

How do I look?

Huh? Huh?

Well, you changed
five times already.

You looked fine
the first time.

Oh, thank you, baby.
I'm just so excited.

I mean,
this isDreamgirls.

Dreamgirls!

This is like
a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

Yeah.
So, uh, you better get going.

You're right, baby.

Oh, you are
so good to me. Mm...

Come on, I need to put you
in a lineup.

A lineup?

Yeah, apparently a delivery
truck carrying cookies

was hijacked in East Bergen
the other day.

NARRATOR:
I know you're probably thinking

who would hold up
a cookie truck?

[GUN COCKS]
Don't move! Don't move!

All we want are
your cookies!

Think I'm playing?
Now, go!

I'm not doing time
for this-- Go!

I didn't hijack a truck.

I don't even know
where East Bergen is.

Should have
thought of that

before you started
selling stolen cookies.

I ain't taking
a bath in that.

That looks nasty.

It'll help your itching.
But I don't like oatmeal.

You don't have to eat it, girl,
you got to take a bath in it.

NARRATOR:
Then she's got to eat it.

My father didn't waste food.

It wasn't me.

I go to Corleone
Junior High.

I got the cookies from school.
I'm selling them

so I can go on some trip
to Washington, D.C.

And I did not steal them.

I was saying that so people
would wanna buy them.

You go to Corleone?

What, are you the only
black kid there?

Nice try.

There was an eyewitness,

and you fit the profile,
cookie boy.

NARRATOR:
I may have only been 13,

but I already knew how
racial profiling worked.

This is what
the witness said...

He was a black male,
medium complexion,

about 6'4", 230 pounds.

He had brown eyes.

Um, he was wearing
a Scout uniform

with a yellow beanie,

and he had on dark pants,
and size 14 dark shoes.

And, uh, a birthmark on
the back of his left wrist.

Oh, and-and he walked
with a limp.

NARRATOR:
But this is what
the cop heard...

Um, he was black, and, uh,
black, black, and black.

Um, black, black,
and he black, black, black,

black, black, black.

And, uh, he had, uh,
black, black, black, black.

And, oh, a black.
Yeah.

And, uh, he walked
with a black.

OFFICER [OVER PA]:
Face forward.

Number two, stand still!

NARRATOR:
That looks like the cover of
the last Commodores album.

Usually, my father wanted
my mother to be happy.

But this was the one time
he was secretly hoping

that the tickets
that Risky gave him

were horrible as usual.

[SCREAMS]
Oh, my God!

These seats are great!
I know!

Oh, girl,
I hate to say it,

but I'm glad your kids
got the chicken pox. Oh!

Happy anniversary.
Oh, thank you, Sheila!

[SCREAMS]

We love you!

Don't go!

You stay!

You better go, girl!
Whoo!

I'm staying!

Hey. Is Chris here yet?

No, I guess he's still
out selling cookies.

Okay.
Hey, Dad?

Can you get my armpit?

I got it.

[***]

So, uh, when's
Mom coming home?

It'll be a while.

She's using my coupon
to take Sheila to dinner too.

How come she's going out
with somebody else

on your anniversary?

Well...

I told her to go.

Why'd you do that?

Because I want
your mother to be happy.

Oh. Well, if I had to stay at
home and be with sick people

while somebody else was out
having fun, I'd be mad.

Well, I'm not mad.

I would be.

I'd be sad too.

Be kind of depressed
because she left me.

Yeah...
I'd be crying and everything.

Man, I'd be so upset.

You know, let's get...
I don't see how you hold it in.

Here you go.

Sit tight, don't move.

Huh?
I'll be back.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

[***]

OFFICER:
Hey, Russo,

the kid's story
checks out.

Looks like you were
telling the truth.

Your teacher confirmed
your story.

Thank you.
Oh, yeah.

She also said to tell you
you're a credit to your race.

Can I leave now?

Sure, soon as your parents
come get you.

My parents?

Can't you just let me go?

I can't tell my mom
I got arrested.

Should have thought
of that before you started

telling people
you were selling stolen goods.

[RINGING]

Hello?
Hi, Dad.

Chris, you're supposed to be
home at 3:00. Where are you?

I need you to pick me up
at the police station.

You're in jail?

No matter what you did,
don't say nothing.

But, Dad, I didn't--

Didn't I tell you
don't say nothing?

Anything you say can
and will be used against you.

NARRATOR:
That was as close as my father
came to being a lawyer.

Keep your mouth shut,
I'll be there in a minute.

Okay.

So, what are you selling
these things for, anyway?

A class trip
to Washington, D.C.

You got any
peanut butter Do-Si-Do?

Just these.

Chocolate chip, huh?

How much are they?

[***]

NARRATOR:
Say what you want about cops,

they sure got
a mean sweet tooth.

Sign right there
and you're all set.

It's okay, they
just got chicken pox.

Uh...hi, Dad.

Come on, let's go.

Are you mad at me?

Yeah, I'm mad.

I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Tell him.

Hey, I never said you
didn't do anything wrong.

You were standing
outside a store

claiming you had
stolen goods.

It's not illegal,
but it ain't right, either.

You listen to your father.

He's a smart man.
Thanks.

NARRATOR:
Before NWA, you could actually
leave a police station

with the same amount of teeth
you came in with.

Dad?

Can I still go on the trip?

Yeah. Come on.

NARRATOR:
While I was dreaming
about getting out of jail,

my mother was dreaming
she was a Dreamgirl.

Look who's back.
How was the play?

Oh, baby,
it was incredible!

You would have loved it.

How are the kids?

Well, Tonya's asleep,
Drew's fever is down,

and Chris got arrested.

But the only thing
that matters is that

you had a good time.

What? What do you mean
Chris got arrested?

It's over.
It was a misunderstanding.

I went down
and took care of it.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Did you have a good time?

I had a great time!

Oh, baby,
it was incredible.

Thank you so much...

Well, as long as
you had a good time.

[***]

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Something.

What?

What's wrong is you spent
our anniversary with Sheila.

How could you
go without me?

Baby, you told me to go.

I didn't mean it.
It's just like when you tell me

not to get you a gift. I was
just saying that to be nice.

I didn't want the tickets
to go to waste.

And I wanted you to go
and have a good time.

I'm just mad that you did.

You know you're not making
a bit of sense, right?

I know.

Forget it.

How were the seats?

You don't want to know.

That good?

Yup.

Damn, Risky.

What's this?

I made a little stop
on the way home.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, you got me a card.

Julius, just open the card.

Knicks playoff tickets?
Mm-hmm.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Risky said they're
the best seats in the house.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Oh! Yes! Yes!
What happened?

That's right, Clyde!
That's right, Clyde!

Thank you, baby!
Oh...

Uh-uh. No.

Uh-uh...

Our anniversary
ain't over yet.

Ooh...
Ooh, did I say that?

Mm...

I said it.

Oh, man, I can't wait!

We're actually gonna visit
the senate floor!

Did you know,
for security reasons

there's no direct route
to or from the White House?

Just in case somebody
tries to kill the president?

They need to do that
in Bed-Stuy.

Hey, cell nerd.

What's that on your cheek?

Huh?
It looks like chicken pox.

* Everybody hates Chris

NARRATOR:
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now