Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 19 - Everybody Hates Drew - full transcript

Fed up with Drew being the best at everything, Chris decides to take up karate. But when the two brothers challenge each other, Chris ends up breaking Drew's hand. Meanwhile, Toyna gets a lesson in gossip at the beauty salon.

NARRATOR:
Even though I was the oldest,

I never felt
like Drew's big brother.

I'll take him.

People expect a big brother

to be better at everything.

Dominique Wilkins
was the Human Highlight Film.

And Gerald Wilkins
watched a lot of film.

Bill Clinton was the President
of the United States.

But Roger Clinton
needed a presidential pardon.

But with me and Drew,
it seemed like no matter

what we did,
he always came out on top.



I'll take Drew.

He was better at sports.

He was better with girls.

BOTH:
Hi, Drew.

BOTH:
Hi, Drew.

Hi, Chris.

She's kind of cute.

He looked older.

Two forScarface.

You can go.

Your little brother's gonna
have to see something else.

But I'm older
than him.

You want to see a movie,
or don't you?

I actually went
to seeMr. Momthat day.



It was pretty good.

But worst of all,

he was a better big brother
than me.

I'm gonna get
my big brother on you.

Chris!

Go get Drew!

KID:
Uh-oh, no,
I wouldn't mess with...

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

[***]

It was embarrassing.

When they heard
Drew's name, they ran.

And you were standing
right there?

Just like I'm standing
right here.

I've got to do something.

I get the crap kicked
out of me here.

Even my little sister
knows I can't fight.

I'm gonna ask my mom
if I can take karate.

Why don't you take
boxing lessons?

Nah. If you tell people
you can box,

then everyone wants
to fight.

How come nobody messes
with your brother?

Because he knows karate,
and if they mess with him,

they think he might kill them.
That's perfect.

If you learn karate,
you'll never have to fight.

[SIGHS]

All right, Tonya,
hold your ear.

NARRATOR:
I imagine this is how it must
be before they hit the switch.

Ow. You burned my finger!

Well, if you'd be still,
that wouldn't happen.

Why can't I just go
to the beauty shop like you?

You got beauty shop money?

No.
All right then. Be still.

Your daddy barely wants to pay
to get my hair done.

I know he's not gonna spend
the extra 10 dollars

to get yours done, especially
when I can do it here at home.

Hey, what's burning?

My hair.

[SIZZLING]
Ow!

Tonya, stop
fidgeting so much.

You're moving
like a squirrel.

Sit still!

Mom, can I sign up
for karate lessons?

Why don't you just learn
from Drew?

Why don't you just mind
your own business?

Hey, enough, okay?

Chris,
go ask your daddy.

I can't be bothered
with this right now.

Tonya, bend down,
so I can get the kitchen.

Ow!

Girl, I didn't
even touch you.

Hey, man.

What's going on?

Dad, can I sign up
for karate class?

Karate class?

Why don't you just
learn from Drew?

I want to learn
from a real teacher.

Drew just does stuff
he sees in movies.

Everything Drew knew
about karate,

he got from the Masters
of Channel 9 Asian Invasion.

Grand Master Lung Ti
and the immortal David Chung.

What are you gonna do
with karate, anyway?

Just in case someone messes
with Drew or Tonya,

I'm gonna be able
to do something.

My father knew
I couldn't fight,

but he never said anything
about it.

How much is it gonna cost?

It's free.
Oh. All right, go ahead.

For free, my father would
let me learn almost anything.

What are you doing?

Taking How to Knock Off
a Liquor Store lessons.

How much does it cost?
It's free.

Go ahead.

Get on the floor, now!

Don't hurt anybody.

If I didn't want
to hurt anybody,

I wouldn't be taking karate.

Baby, you should have
listened to me.

I told you to keep still.

Hey, I'm headed to work.

All right, baby.

Baby, what happened?

Mama burned me with
the hot comb again.

Oh, let Daddy see.

[GASPS]

Ooh! Rochelle, that looks bad.

Ah, she'll live.

I don't think
it'll make a scar.

Yeah, but that's 18 cent worth
of butter

she's holding on her forehead.

You can't do her hair
without burning her?

I told you before
that I wanted to take her

to the beauty shop,
and you told me no.

My father thought that going
to the beauty shop meant

that Tonya was growing up
too fast,

and she would end up like this.

She's 10 years old.

Why I got to spend money
getting her hair done?

She's tender-headed,
she moves around too much,

and she keeps
getting burned.

And I'm sick of this.

You pay to get it done,
or you do it.

If my father didn't want
to do something,

my mother got to decide
how it would get done.

Why you cooking biscuits
and ribs for breakfast?

You gonna do it?

Go ahead.

Why are you cleaning the tub
with a broom?

Are you gonna do it?

Go ahead.

How much is it gonna cost?

Ten dollars.
Mm-mm. No.

Daddy...please.

That never worked for me.

Okay.

I am Mr. Jackson,
your sensei.

Shotokan Karate is a very
ancient art of combat.

"Karate" literally means
"empty hands."

[STUDENTS GRUNTING]

Now what we're gonna do
here today

is learning how to whip
somebody's ass

with your empty hands.

Matei!

Matei!

Uh, so,

are we going to be learning
how to break boards?

You got something
against boards?

Huh? What has a board
ever done to you?

Has a board ever embarrassed you
in front of your woman?

Asked Yolanda
for her phone number

and dared you
to do something about it?

Did you just stand there
and watch her get

into the boy's car
and just drive off?

Uh... no.

That's why we ain't learning
how to break no damn boards.

Now, I want each and every one
of you to listen to me.

And watch.

It's called
the Shaolin handbreaker.

Now this move is guaranteed
to break anybody's hand.

But I don't want y'all
to try this.

It's very dangerous.

[SHOUTS]

Come here, boy.

Me?
You.

If you don't want us to do this,

then, why are you showing us?

'Cause that's what martial arts
is all about.

Learning ways to kill people.

And then not doing it.

Now grab my shoulder.

[JACKSON SHOUTING]

[BONES CRUNCH]

At that moment,

I learned two things.

One-- I learned a great
karate move.

And two,
this fool was crazy.

Man, karate--
It sounds complicated.

I tried wrestling once,
but I got knocked out.

Wait. You got knocked out
in a wrestling match?

I'm as surprised
as you are.

Well, I'm doing good.

My sensei says
I have a lot of potential.

I think I might even be better
at this than Drew.

Wouldn't you have to kill him
to find that out?

I never thought of that.

Mama, how long do
we have to wait?

Hush, girl. My appointment was
at 3:30. It's only 5:00.

The only thing you wait for
longer than a washer

at the Laundromat is a chair
at the beauty shop.

I'm ready for you, Rochelle.
About time.

Watch your mouth, girl.

Hey, Vanessa.

Hey, Rochelle.

Whew. Okay. Pam?
Yes.

Can I make an appointment
for Tonya?

Uh, yeah, I can squeeze her in
this week.
Cool.

Girl, don't tell me,
that's your daughter?

Mm, sure is.
Isn't she beautiful?

She's big, huh?

Oh, she sure is.

Pretty soon she'll be old enough
to date Richard.

Mm-mm!
ROCHELLE: Oh, do not tell me

his old ass is still
chasing after young girls.

Girl, I thought
you knew.

They're the only ones
dumb enough not to run

when they see him coming. He
old, he broke. He need a fool.

There's one thing
that you get at the beauty shop

that you don't have
to pay for-- good gossip.

VANESSA:
I heard Peggy said that

she caught them
in her house.

Wait... In her...
In her house?

Yes.
Well, did she stab him?

Girl.
You know I
would have stabbed him.

Mm-hmm. Now he's
staying with Lisa.

PAM:
Light-skinned Lisa?

Bow-legged Lisa.
Mm.

Wait a minute.
I thought Lisa was with Darius.

She was, until Darius
caught her with his brother.

The one with no job?

Yeah, yeah, him, yeah,
and he married too.

A wife, a girlfriend,
and no job.

You know these men--
They just ain't no good.

They ain't no good.

Get out of here. Mm.

Oh, I'd throw
the hot grits.

Tonya never listened
to my mother

until she heard something
she wasn't supposed to.

[GRUNTING]

What are you doing?

Working on my form.

Why do you take lessons, anyway?

I saw some stuff inThe Return
of the Five Deadly Venoms.

It was way cooler than that.
Yeah, right.

I bet you can't hit me.
No, I think I can.

Then try to hit me.
But I don't want to hurt you.

No. I dare you.

[GONG CRASHES]

Try to hit me.

All right, then. Fine.

[WIND WHIPPING]

Aah!

[PEOPLE GROAN]

[GRUNTING]

[EXHALES]
[EXHALES]

GIRL:
They got some moves,
though, huh?

[GROANS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

I was just getting warmed up.

GIRL:
Y'all need to stop.

Wah... Whh...

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Ow! What you do that for?

What?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]

[GRUNTING]

NARRATOR:
Whoops!

[CRIES OUT]

* Everybody hates Chris

NARRATOR:
Even though it was an accident,

after breaking Drew's hand,
I felt horrible.

I'm gone for 10 minutes,
and y'all are breaking bones.

I knew that karate class
wasn't a good idea.

Rochelle, it was an accident,
just boys being boys.

Do you even know what they're
teaching Chris down there?

Where were you
when this happened?

Asleep.

Mm.

What's that supposed to mean?

"Mm" means
she's gonna blame him

for the rest of his life.

Asleep again, huh?

That's how Chris
broke Drew's hand.

Rochelle,
that was 45 years ago.

Mm-hmm.

Don't worry about it.

I'll deal with it.

I'll go down there tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.

Ouch!
It still hurts?

Of course it hurts,
it's broke.

Chris, help your brother
with his Kool-Aid.

Daddy,

do you have
a girlfriend?

What?!

Well?

No!

Why would you ask me a question
like that, baby?

'Cause men
ain't no good.

Where did you hear that?

At the beauty shop.

And where were you

when they were talking
like this?

It's just girls being girls.

I am not paying good money
so my baby can get her hair done

and come back hating men!
She does not hate men.

What am I supposed to think

when she comes home
talking like this?

Fine, I promise I'll talk
to the girls at the shop

and make sure that they
don't gossip around her.

Mm-hmm.

Even with a broken hand,

Drew still managed
to come out on top.

Does it hurt
a lot?

If I had known you could get
this much attention

with a cast, I would have
let him break my hand.

[SHOUTS]

Mr. Jackson was an ex-Marine

who taught karate
when he was on his medication.

When he was off his medication,
he did this.

Yolanda!

Yolanda!

Jackson!

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Okay?

[CONTINUES IN SPANISH]

Yolanda!

Whah!

Can I help you?

Yeah, uh, my son Chris

was taking your class here.
Chris? No, I don't...

I don't know any Chris.

What, is there...
is there a problem?

It's just that the boys
were fighting,

and Chris accidentally
broke his brother's hand.

He says you
taught him.

Hmm. Who was fighting?

Chris and my other son, Drew.

No, I don't know any Drew.

Either way...

I ain't had
nothing to do with that.

No, man, I didn't say you had
nothing to do with it.

[GONG CRASHES]

Come on, baby, let's go.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hey, baby.
¿Que tu quieres?

Let me get
with that phone number.

Ooh!

[SCREAMING]

Whah!

Oh, God, help me!

I can't believe she repeated
all that to Julius.

I didn't even know
she was listening.

She barely listens
to a word I say.

Rochelle,
I am so sorry.

Me too.

From now on, we watch
what we say in front of her.

Let me go pay half down on our
light bill before they close.

She'll be okay, though, right?

Oh, yeah, go ahead,
she'll be fine.

We'll watch Lil' Miss Nosy
for you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Okay, Tonya, I'm gonna leave
for a little while.

I'll be right back. Okay?
Okay.

All right, be good.

Y'all make her beautiful.
Mm-hm.

[SIGHS]
So is Richard still cheating?

Is the Pope still Catholic?
Vanessa.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's a reflex.

Tonya, I don't think
we should be talking

about Richard.
Why not?

That's
grown folks' business.

Oh, is that why my mom
and dad got in an argument?

[SCOFFS]
An argument?

About what?

Well, I asked my daddy
if he had a girlfriend,

and he said, "Why?"
Then mama said, "Well, do you?"

Then he asked me why I asked
him that, and then...

Although my mother told the
girls not to gossip to Tonya,

she didn't say anything about
Tonya gossiping to them.

At that moment,
I was having more trouble

coping with Drew's broken hand
than he was.

Drew, if you
need a nurse,

I'll be happy to come over
and get...

You'd better not
let mama see that.

Drew still has that cast,

and he hasn't finished calling
all those girls yet.

Hey, you need any help
with anything?

I could tie your shoe.

Nah, I got it.

I can tie it with one hand.

Okay, um... I could write out
your homework.

No, I'm fine.

I never wrote
with my left hand before,

but it turns out,
I'm really good at it.

Want to see
something else I could do?

I always thought
I needed two hands to do this.

I had to face facts.

Drew could do more with one arm

than I could do with five.

Want to sit on my back?

Your hair looks nice, baby.

Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]

So, what you and the girls
talk about?

You and daddy.
[SHUTS OFF ENGINE]

What? What about me and daddy?

I told everybody
about the argument.

Tonya, you just can't go
around telling our business!

Why not?
Everybody else does it.

Well, that's different.
How?

Well...

My father was worried

about Tonya learning
the wrong things,

so my mother taught her
a few things herself.

Tonya, you're
a big girl now, okay?

And you got to know that
there is no difference

between what they said to you
and what you said to them.

It's still gossip.

But you got to remember
two things.

You talk about other people,
not yourself.

And number two,
what you say in the shop

stays in the shop.

Got it?

So don't tell Daddy.

Right.

Hey, Mama?
Uh-huh?

Want to hear
about what happened to Carla?

[SHUTS OFF ENGINE]

What happened to Carla?

Hey.
What happened to you?

I had an accident.
What are you doing?

I thought Drew's arm
would get itchy under the cast,

so I'm making him a hand
scratcher out of a hanger.

Listen, you're going
to have to be more careful,

if you're going
to be doing karate.

I know it was
just an accident,

but you could have
really hurt Drew.

[KEYS JANGLE]

Dad?

It wasn't an accident.

What?

I hate that Drew can do
everything better than me.

Tonya even calls on him
when she gets in trouble.

We were fighting.
I tried the handbreaker on him,

and I fell.

Chris, being brothers
ain't easy.

All right?

I had six brothers,
and whether you like it or not,

somebody is going to be better
than you at something.

[SIGHS]
You can't be jealous.

He's the only brother you got.

Besides, I don't know
if you realize it,

but he looks up to you.

He does?

I didn't realize
that no matter how cool

your little brother is,

he still wants to be
like his big brother.

It worked out for Keenan
and Damon Wayans.

Not so great for Eric
and Lyle Menendez.

You need to apologize
to your brother, Chris.

[***]

That's my boy.

Hey, Chris,
watch this.

Whah!

I love this cast.

Cool, but I have something
to tell you.

What?

I tried to break your arm
on purpose.

How come?

'Cause I'm tired of you

being better than me
at everything.

What are you talking about?

I bet you're better than me
at some stuff.

Like what?
I don't know.

Uh-huh.

But you're still my big brother.

Yeah, but you're bigger
than I am.

Yeah, but every time
Mom and Dad leave the house,

they always put you
in charge.

I wish I could be
in charge.

That's just
a lot of work.

So? Plus, you get
to go to school

all the way
in Brooklyn Beach.

I wish I could ride the bus
to school every day.

You do?
Yeah! That's so cool.

Everybody in my class
is always asking me

what it's like
at your school.

You're the coolest big brother
out of all my friends.

It never occurred to me
that even though Drew

was bigger and cooler,
and better with girls,

the coolest thing to him
was that he had me.

Hey, Chris,
can you show me that move?

I'll try.

[SIGHING]
Just...

it might not work,
because I've had training.

So basically, you take
your opponent's hand and...

Oh, I think I got it.

[SHOUTING]

[SCREAMING]

* Everybody hates Chris

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now