Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - Everybody Hates Keisha - full transcript

There she was:

Keisha, the girl of my dreams.

I used to dream about a girl
named Didi, but then I moved.

And it seemed like I could
never get her off my mind.

Chris. Chris.

Wake up.

Chris.

Wake up!

What's going on?

Scared the death out of me!

Some days, I thought everyone
I saw was Keisha.



I'm glad that wasn't her.

Well, at least I hope that wasn't her.

Keisha?

You ain't taking my check!

What check?

What was she thinking?

Get out of the street, fool!

Get out of the street, fool!

Get off of my car, fool!

I got to get this girl off my mind.

Rochelle, I love your place.

How you keep it so clean
with three kids?

Oh, no, my children
know how to act.

They know, once they walk
through that front door,



I don't tolerate no foolishness.

Uh-uh.

That's Sheila, Keisha's mother.

My mother didn't make

a lot of friends, because
she's, what I like to call,

a ghetto snob.

Look at that woman out here
with rollers in her hair.

Mama, you have rollers on.

Yeah, but I'm wearing a scarf.

No class.

Sheila gave
my mother compliments

and my mother loved compliments.

Oh, girl, I love those shoes.

They're all leather.

No, they aren't.

Chris, this is, uh,
Ms. Ridenhour.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

You, too.

And you know her
daughter, Keisha.

Hey, Chris.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, boy!

Where do you think you're going

after getting a "C" on your quiz?

Back upstairs?
Right.

Chris...

Chris.

Boy, you hear me
talking to you?

Ow!

Close your mouth and go upstairs
and help Drew with his math.

Do you know that Drew got
a " on"C math quiz?

That boy knows he could do better than that.

Well, Keisha's great
at math.

She can help him
if he needs it.

Oh, thanks,
but Chris could do it.

You know he's going
to a good school now.

Oh.

Well, I like your coffee.

Is it instant?

Uh-uh.
No, child.

It's freeze-dried.

Like I said, ghetto snob.

I don't hear no math!

That's Joey Caruso.

After giving me a beat down in
front of everybody in school,

Caruso got a warning.

If I see you within
ten feet of him,

you, young man,
will be back in detention.

So, for a few days,

Caruso left me alone.

And Greg figured if he stuck
close enough,

Caruso would be off his ass, too.
-There's Greg.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, Greg.

If only Keisha liked me
this much.

Why you all up on me?

Look, Raymond told Caruso he
couldn't get near you.

So, can I stick to you close for a while?

Yeah, but can a brother
get some space?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Uh, so... so, what happened?

Ah, man!
Keisha?

Right in your living room?

Yeah. And she said,
"Hi, Chris."

Ah, man!
You are so in there.

You think so?

Yeah. I mean, she didn't just
say "Hi."

She initiated the "Hi."

Whoa.
I never thought of it like that.

Man, you got to get a condom.

It'd be two years before I knew
what a condom was

and eight years before

I got to use one.

Back at home, my father was
thinking about

something he wanted.

Hey, baby.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Hey!

Who are you?

I'm Sheila.
You must be Julius.

-What are you doing in my bathroom?
-Um, Rochelle said...

-Where's Rochelle?
-She's downstairs, I think...

-Rochelle!
-I live next door.

- Where?
-Next door.

I'm sorry, I...

I didn't mean to, um...

smack on your...

No, it's okay.

-I thought you were...
-No. Forget about it.

It's all right.

What?

Why didn't you let me know

there were people in here?

I'm sorry.

Uh, nice meeting you, Julius.

Girl, this color!
I love it!

It's going to look good on you.
It's hot.

Thank you.
a let myself out.

You got it, girl.
Bye, Rochelle.

No problem.
you got it.

Next time, let me know when you
got people in my house.

Okay.

Anybody else in here?

No!

If she found a strange man
in her bathroom,

she'd be nervous, too.

What is wrong with that man?

After I helped Drew with his math,

his score changed by a whole grade.

A "D"?

Chris, he got a "C" before.

I thought l told you to help him.

I did.

So, you move
the decimal point

over two places.

Hey, which one you like better?

The spider web
or the step ladder?

Is Drew stupid?

No, I'm not stupid, you idiot.

Well, this look like you are...

-Hey, hey, hey...
-Shut up.

Nobody is stupid.

Daddy, Drew got a "D"
on his math test.

-Shut up.
-You shut up.

A "D"?

Chris! I thought you
were going to help.

I did.

Before Chris helped him,
he got a "C".

Be quiet.

-No, you be quiet.
-Shut up.

Would you do something
about this?

Would you please be quiet, all be quiet.

Chris you go to a good school.

What you learning to do,
ride the bus?

Don't yell at me.
He got the "D".

Watch your mouth, boy.

Look, we're just going to have
to get him a tutor.

Tutors are expensive.

He's just going to have
to work harder.

We can barely afford kids.
We can't afford stupid kids.

Julius, if Drew's grades keep dropping,

he's going to get kicked out of school.

And then, he's going to get hooked on crack.
And then, the next thing you know,

we'll be walking in here
without a stick of furniture.

Now, do you want to pay for a tutor

or do you want to pay for new furniture?

How much is it going to cost?

Not a lot.

I'll get Keisha.

Who's Keisha?

You know Sheila.

It's her daughter.

Back at school, Greg camped out
for me

like I was a new Star Wars
movie.

Hey, where were you?

I was at class.

At class? I've been waiting
here for 15 minutes.

I told you to wait at my locker.

You weren't at your locker.

I'm at it now.

But you weren't then!

Greg.

Too close.

There goes two more girls

we're never going to get.

at's with the outfit?

Oh, Keisha's coming over
to tutor Drew today

and I want to look good.

So, uh, what's the plan?

I mean, you've got to have a plan.

Well, I guess, when I get home,
I'll check in

just to make sure everhing's cool.

And then, when Drew's finished,

he'll be outside and then Tonya
will be watching the TV.

That'll leave the two of us...

alone.

And then, you know...

No, I don't.

I mean, you going to ask her
to be your girlfriend?

I didn't know a lot of girls
who had boyfriends.

Babies, yes, but not boyfriends.

I don't know. Maybe.

Hey, you think

it'd be weird if I, you know,
went home with you,

hid in your closet
and watched the whole thing?

Yeah

Thought so.

I felt better than Billy Dee Williams

after a case of malt liquor.

Chris!

My mother was so loud,

every Chris in Brooklyn
could hear her.

Come on, boy. I'm late
fomy hair appointment.

Look, Keisha's upstairs with
Drew, Tonya's watching TV.

Drew can play outside when he's done.

Oh, and give this to Keisha
before she leaves.

I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Tonya's watching TV.

Check.

Couldn't risk being funky.

I'm the reason for the hole
in the ozone layer.

Hi, Chris.

Ooh, I'm telling.

Shut up, Tonya.

Usually, when Tonya said
she was telling,

that meant
I was getting in trouble.

But I didn't care.

All I wanted to do was slap
the black off of Drew.

What happened?

Looks like the older brother
came home,

found the little brother kissing
his woman

and slapped the black off him.

Is this the black?

All we could find.

So much for brotherly love.

You're supposed
to be up here studying,

not kissing no girl.

-That's not part of your homework.
-Shut up.

I ain't shutting up nothing.

-And you going to get in...
-Shut...

up.

But I said I was telling.

I don't care.

You don't?

Hmm.

All that mattered at that moment

was that Drew had my woman.

I'm going
to go downstairs.

What's wrong with you?

What?

You knew I like Keisha.

Now you're up here kissing her?

I... I didn't even know
you liked her.

And besides,
I wasn't kissing her.

She was kissing me.

He used that same excuse

with a woman's husband
ten years later and it worked.

Is she going to tell?

No

My mom told me
to give you this.

I'll see you later.

I had never had
a broken heart before.

I was so messed up,
nothing could get me out of it.

Did I tell you nothing?

Hey, Julius.

Uh, Rochelle's not here.

No. Keisha left her jacket here.
You mind if I come in and look?

Nah, I'll get it.

Sheila made my dad nervous.

Since there weren't
a lot of men around,

women on the block
were always coming around

when my mother wasn't home.

Did I leave my house keys?

Did I leave my frying pan?

Did I leave my sweater here?

You have never been here!

Can't blame a sister for trying.

Try this.

It's not here.

No, it's got to be here.

It'll only take a minute,
Julius.

My father didn't like
other women in the house

for the same reason he didn't
like guns in the house--

even with the safety on,
somebody could get killed.

Oh. I found it.

So, tell Rochelle...

You can, uh,
let yourself out.

Okay.

I'll see you later, Julius.

Tell Rochelle that I'll be...

After everything
that happened to me,

the last thing I was thinking
about was what

was going to happen to Greg.

Hey, Chris.

So, uh, what happened
with Keisha?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Come on. Something
must have happened.

Nothing happened, okay?

All right, but, uh,
you're acting kind of weird.

Fine, okay?

I walked in on Drew
kissing Keisha.

Wow. You must feel terrible.

I mean, if I were you,

I wouldn't even be able
to stand right now.

I mean, seriously,
I'd be on the ground crying.

Man, Drew kissing Keisha
after all you went through

to impress her,
I'm surprised you aren't on

the top of Brooklyn Bridge

with a rock tied around your neck...

Shut up.

It's bad enough

I had a girl taken
by my little brother.

I don't need your suggestions
on how to end it all.

You want to make
me feel better?

Tell me about the time
when you got crushed.

Knowing a guy whose little
brother made out

is the furthest
I've ever got with a girl.

Just leave me alone.

Hey, you little punk,

I'm going to kick
your butt up and down...

just like it's
your daily beating.

I didn't want
to see you get beat down.

Thanks, man.

Come on. Let's go.

Greg's problems went away,

but mine just kept coming back
to haunt me.

Hey, son.

Want a soda?

Dad, what do you do
when you're trying

not to like somebody, but you
can't get them off your mind?

Chris, we can't talk
about this!

Why not?

Look, Chris,

sometimes things ain't always
what they look like.

I mean, just because
you might think about somebody,

doest mean anything's
going to happen.

You know, it's... it's just...
it's innocent.

But you can't tell nobody.

You just keep your mouth shut.

And keep your distance.

But she lives right next door.

Don't you think I know that?

What you want me to do, move?

It's nothing.
Forget it.

Drink your soda.

Well, what if she decides
to tutor Drew again?

Well, you just got to...

Drew?

Yeah.

Who are we talking about?

Keisha.

Oh...

Oh!

Oh, Keisha!

Keisha.

Hey, man, look.

Chris, you just have to focus
on other things,

okay?

I mean, you know,
it'll take a little time.

You'll meet
some more girls.

She's just the first one.

Is she the first one?

Kind of.

This is good.

If my father could just keep
things to himself,

he'd be all right.

You know, I waved at Sheila
today and she acted all siddity.

Yeah, pretty women
are always stuck up.

You think she's pretty?

Huh?

No. No, I... I don't. I... No!

No, you had just said that
you thought she was pretty.

I mean, she's not ugly.

I didn't notice.

So, you didn't notice
a pretty woman

walking around our house
that you didn't know?

I really... okay!

She was in the bathroom

and I smacked her on the butt.

You smacked her on the butt?

I smacked her on the butt.

I thout she was you!

Look, I see a grown woman's
behind running around my house,

I automatically assume
it's yours.

So, you can't tell
my behind from hers?

No.

But yet, my behind was perfectly
clear to you last Wednesday.

I don't... I...

I'm sorry.

So, are you attracted
to Sheila?

No. No.

Well, Julius,

if you're not attracted to her,
how could you think she was me?

Because, y'all both fine, baby.

What's...

Sit down, Julius.

I know you're not blind, Julius.

She's pretty.

And if you think I look like her,

then I'm okay with that.

-Really?
-No!

If that happens again,
somebody getting stabbed!

That's my mother's version
of being understanding.

Hey, Chris.

What?

I'm sorry about that girl, Teisha.

Keisha.

Her name's Keisha.

Yeah, Keisha.

I didn't know
you liked her like that.

It's nothing.
Just forget about it.

I know how you feel.

I remember this one time
when I was six,

man,

this girl broke my heart,

wouldn't give me
the time of day.

Can you believe this?

I'm being given advice about
women by my little brother.

Don't worry.
You'll be all right.

Oh. If you want, I could hook
you up with Shanice.

Shanice? She's 16.

She'll make all about Kiki.

Keisha.

Her name's Keisha.

Right. Keisha.

I always regretted
that I never tried Shanice.

Since Keisha broke my heart,

I promised myself I would never
give her the time of day.

Hey, Chris.

Hi, Keisha.

Okay, that didn't work.

Get out of the street!