Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Everybody Hates the Pilot - full transcript

1982.
That was the year I turned 13.
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me
was being a teenager.
I was gonna have women, money, stay out late.
I thought it was gonna be the bomb.
'sup?
Chris! Chris! Chris!
Boy, was I wrong!
Chris!
Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat!
Disgusting!
When I was 13, my mother convinced my father to move us out of the Project.
She always said Project is just another word for experiment.
In a lab, the government gives rats cheese.
In the Projetcs, the governement gives people cheese.
Dad, can we stop at McDonald's?
You guys have MacDonald's money?
Julius, the kids have to eat.
They ain't got to eat MacDonald's.
We got some beloni in the back. I'll pull over.
My father Julius always kept beloni handy just in case.
We get one combo meal.
Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries, Chris you can have the drink.
One time I just got ice.
We moved to an apartment in Bedstyle, Brookyn.
Now had we known that Bedstyle would be the center of a crack epidemic,
I guess we'd have picked some place else.
Bedstyle even had its own motto:
"Bedstyle, do or die"
Look at that! Look at that!
Those were some of the guys that were gonna die.
If I ever catch any of y'all spray painting on anybody's wall,
I'm gonna put my foot so far up your behind, you'll have toes for teeth.
Get inside.
That's my mother Rochelle.
She had a hundred recipes for whooping ass.
Boy, I will slap the caps off your knees.
I will knock you into last night.
I will slap your name out the phonebook and call my Bell and tell I didn't.
That's my younger brother Drew.
There's nothing worse than having a little brother that's bigger than you.
My sister Tonya was the youngest and would do anything to get me in trouble.
Chris, clean that mess up.
- Tonya did it. - Huh-uh!
Did I ask you that?
Since I was the oldest, I had to be the emergency adult.
If you smell smoke,
and you think the house is gonna catch fire,
get your brother and your sister and get out of here.
If you smell gaz and you think the house is gonna blow up,
get your brother and your sister and get out of here.
If you smell smoke,
and your brother catches on fire,
get your sister and get out of here.
Fortunately, the house never caught fire...
and neither did my brother.
Mom, why is it that Drew and Tonya get to go to school in our own neighborhood
but I have to go all way out to Brooklyn Beach?
Brooklyn Beach was a poor italian neighborhood on the other side of town.
It was just like Bedstyle,
take away the gangs, add the mob.
Because the junior high school around here is like a
hoodlum factory.
And those white kids, they get an education.
Not a Harvard type education,
just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store type education.
Hey, dad.
Hey, baby.
What's up, dad?
Hey, daddy.
Hey, baby.
Tonya was my father's favorite.
What's wrong with your oatmeal?
Chris made it too lumpy.
And she knew it.
You don't have to eat it
I know you're not gonna threw that away.
Eat that.
That's 30 cent worth of oatmeal.
My father always knew what everything costs.
That's a dollar 9 cent in the trash.
That's 2 dollars on fire.
That's 49 cent of spilled milk dripping all over my table.
Somebody's gonna drink this milk.
Baby did you see this?
I've paid this.
- It says you paid half. - I know.
I gave you all the money how come you only paid half the bill.
I cannot even believe that you'd ask me that.
Just asking you a question. I'm trying to find out what's going on around here.
No, you're not. You're questioning my judgement.
You act like there's not a big red bill sitting on the table.
Okay, fine.
You do it then.
- I will. - Okay.
- I am. - Good.
- Fine. - Fine.
My parents taught me love is never having to say "kiss my ass".
Where the stamps at?
I was never cool growing up.
The coolest thing about me was this pair of white sneakers I had.
No, no, no, no.
Boy, you're not going to school in no sneakers.
Believe it or not, there was a time where you couldn't wear sneakers everywhere.
Why? Everybody else wears sneakers.
Because you look raggity.
Plus, you have an assembly today.
Boy, you're gonna lost your mind.
My mother hated raggity.
She always said it's better to be poor and neat than rich and raggity.
I think she said that because we were poor.
Here.
Wear Drew's good shoes.
I hate these shoes.
And everybody will make fun of me at school.
You've only been going there for a week.
You don't know everybody.
I was the only black kid at the school.
They know me.
This is so embarassing.
How come he's wearing my shoes?
Because you only have one pair of feet.
but, Chris, don't fool around after school.
I need you to be here to let Drew and Tonya in, okay?
You won't be here?
No, I gotta work today.
But you know the drill.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
Daddy's gonna be asleep and don't wake him up 'til 5 o'clock.
That's right.
Chris!
You got your bus pass?
Yeah, um...
- Somewhere around here... - Hmm-hm.
You keep on. You lose this bus pass and your behind is gonna be walking to school.
Oh.
- Here's 2 dollars for lunch. - Thanks.
All right, now be good.
- Bye, mom. - Bye, mommy.
Bye, baby.
Hold your sister's hand.
Now go in the street.
Keisha was the girl next door.
At 13, I didn't know a lot about sex.
But I knew she had something to do with it.
Hey, Drew!
Drew?
What's up, Keisha?
You know her?
Yeah.
Drew was so cool he got girls at 10 that I couldn't get until I was 30.
Listen, when y'all get to the house,
don't ring the bell or knock on the door.
Just wait, okay?
Whatever.
What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Go at school.
That bathroom is so nasty.
Listen...
You wake up daddy, he's gonna punch me square in the face,
and if he does that, I'm gonna punch you in the face
and then he's gonna kill me and wound up in jail.
Now do you want daddy to go to jail?
No.
No?
Alright then.
Even when my mother got mad, she still made my dad's dinner.
...on my mind.
Vegetables, patatoes and its favorite:
a big piece of chicken.
I had to take two buses to school everyday.
Was the junior high school across the street really that bad?
Like rock 'n roll, school shootings were also invented by blacks
and stolen by the white man.
My first bus was the 26.
I read the newspaper every single day.
I learnt more in the way to school than I learnt at school.
My next bus was the 44.
I was the only black person on the bus.
And nobody was sitting next to me.
I mean nobody.
If you think she's mad now, wait 'til her daughter brings home O.J.
My mother thought going to a white school meant I would get a better education
and I would be safer.
Wrong!
That's Joey Caruso.
A little thug with a big chip on his shoulder.
You know I manage to avoid him before I wore these shoes.
Nice shoes, Bojangles.
Bojangles?
That's not what your mother call me when I was tap dancing with her draws last night.
I know you think I'm crazy.
But if I let him get away with that, he'd be doing it all year.
Now I couldn't beat him,
but I thought maybe I could outblack him.
- What? - Did I stutter?
You know who I am?
You step on my shoe again and I'm gonna tell you who I am.
I don't play that.
I'm from Bedstyle, boy.
I bring half a marcy up in here.
I will beat your butt so bad. You're gonna need crutches in your sleep.
Hey, this might work.
You know what else I'm gonna do?
What's your name?
Chris.
I'm Dr. Raymond your new principle.
Now get off my feet.
That's funny?
That's not funny.
What's your name, son?
Caruso.
Fix yourself up next time you come to my school.
See those shoes?
They say something.
They say I'm a student,
I want to learn.
I want more of that.
And less of this.
Don't bump into me again.
Even though Caruso was messing with me,
getting embarrassed made him even madder.
So you know what's coming next...
This isn't over, nigger!
He got away with calling me nigger that day.
The later in life he said it at a DMX concert
and almost got stomped to death.
You're really from "Bedstyle do or die"?
Yeah.
You've ever been shot.
No.
At least not yet.
- I'm Greg. - I'm Chris.
Greg wasn't my first choice for a friend.
But mutual ass kicking seem to bring people together.
- Cool shoes. - Thanks.
If that was the new principle,
who was the old one?
I didn't touch her!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr. Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about
because of the network sensus.
The school settled the lawsuit out of court
and he's not allowed to teach anymore.
If he moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a warning.
Back at home, my father should have been in bed.
But he'd rather lose sleep than money.
What are you doing?
I'm paying the bills.
See, it says 40 dollars,
I'm paying 40 dollars.
And that's exactly why I don't let you pay the bills.
- Where are you going? - To work!
Is Chris gonna be home in time to wake me up?
Can I see in the future?
What's wrong with you?
Probably can see in the future!
By lunch time, I was starving.
I'm gonna go get a hotdog.
I'm gonna get a slice of pizza.
Give me back my bus pass.
You want it, take it you little...
After school, Satchmo.
After school, I had a plan.
This is crazy!
Man, it's a school fight. School fights only last a minute
because somebody always comes and breaks them up.
All I have to do is get in the first punch.
Somebody will stop it.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
What are you waiting for...
Cornbread!
This should be over any minute!
Somebody's gonna stop this!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait for me!
Thank you! Thank you! Yeah...
Come on, 'mam! Come on! I've got a schedule.
Wait! Hold on, please!
There's a kid trying to catch you.
Yeah, I know. I see.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
I bet you don't get me tomorrow.
I bet I do.
You do? I gotta close now.
Cut that out, you bunch of hoots!
Back off!
I was still hungry but I was almost home.
What could go wrong now?
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
That girl is trying to get me killed.
Dad!
Da...
Girl, you want daddy to go to jail?
I told her to quit.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I told you to go at school.
That bathroom is nasty.
Listen, we're going in.
But once we get in, I don't wanna hear any noise.
None. Do you understand?
Yes.
My father always slept in his uniform.
That way when he woke up,
he'd be ready to go.
...gonna pay bills. I'll pay the bills.
You may not think messing up a pair of 40 dollars shoes is such a big deal,
but you have to realize that my father's car only cost 65 dollars.
I had to get those shoes clean.
For the first time that day, things were going allright.
All I had to do now was keep everybody quiet 'til 5 o'clock.
Dad. Dad.
Time to get up.
It's 5 o'clock?
Yep.
It's not 4:59?
Nop.
Which job am I going to?
You're driving a truck.
Hello.
Hey, baby. It's mommy.
Is your father up?
- Yep. - Good, good, good.
Take his plate out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven for him.
What plate?
The one with the big piece of chicken.
Haven't I told you "do not eat the big piece of chicken"?
But I was still hungry.
My mother wasn't really mad at me, she was looking out for my father.
You see how big he is.
She didn't want him to go to work hungry.
Because if he goes to work hungry then he'll be grouchy.
And if he's grouchy, he might call his boss Cracker.
And if he calls his boss Cracker
then we'll live in the Projects again.
But do not eat the biggest piece of chicken.
Do you understand?
At least, you didn't mess up these school shoes.
Come over here and give me some sugar.
Now go to bed.
- Rochelle. - What?
Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do.
But I'm working hard trying to pay for this place, you know that.
Julius, just because you make money doesn't mean you know how to spend it.
You gotta know how to work the system.
- What system? - The debt system.
I run this house like they run the country...
on a deficit.
Rent is due on the 3rd,
I don't pay 'til the 9th because you don't get your check 'til the 7th.
If you pay the light bill now,
I won't have money for the groceries, the rent will be late
and then you'll have to work overtime.
You want to work overtime again, Julius?
No, I don't think so.
If we don't owe people money,
we won't have any money at all.
Um...
why didn't you just say that then?
Because you didn't ask.
Baby...
Don't baby me.
Come here.
I'm sorry, okay?
Who told you to open the mail anyway?
Come here, Pooky.
Last time you said Pooky I got pregnant.
You're my Pooky. You're always my Pooky.
No Pooky.
Okay, little bit of Pooky.
- Love you. - I love you too.
My dad always checked on us in between jobs:
his night job and his late at night job.
Dad?
Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.
I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.
That was 89 cent worth of chicken.
What? You didn't get enough to eat at school?
I was still hungry.
Now I'm still hungry.
Look, next time, eat a little some extra breakfast, okay?
Okay.
Here.
And don't go pulling this money out.
somebody'd try to rob you.
Don't tell your mother about this.
Everything okay at school?
I didn't tell him about the fight.
My dad went to school during the civil rights era.
After hoses, tanks and a dog bites on your ass,
somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare.
Yeah, it was alright.
Okay. I'll see you in the morning.
My father wasn't the type to say "I love you".
He was one of four fathers on the block.
"I'll see you in the morning" mean he was coming home.
Coming home was his way of saying "I love you".
Unplug that clock boy. You can't tell time when you sleep.
That's 2 cents an hour.
What the hell happened to my towel?