Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 3 - Everybody Hates Basketball - full transcript

The toughest thing
about going to a new school

was making friends.

At my old school, there were
tons of kids just like me.

But at Corleone,
I didn't fit in anywhere.

Not with the jocks...

not with the smart kids...

not with the troublemakers...
Hey, stop it!

...and definitely not with
the theater crowd.

Look at him dance.

He went on to become
the first Laker Boy.

The only group I fit in with
were the nerds



Yeah!

Hey!

Give it back.

What'd he say that for?

Maybe theater isn't so bad.

Man, I'm telling you.

Bernard King,
when he gets hot,

he score 60, 70 points easy,
I'm telling you.

Hey, man,
check this out.

What's that?

All right, well, it's
a breakdown on who's got

a better front court--
the Knicks or the Lakers.

Since me and Greg
couldn't play sports,

we talked about them
all the time.



Front court?

What's the difference
who's in the front court

if Magic Johnson
is in the back?

Good morning, gentlemen.

What was that?

We got a social studies quiz.

How do you know?
All she said was "good morning."

Trust me
on this, man.

The word is, she only
speaks to the students

when she's giving them
a pop quiz.

I got to warn the others
so we can study.

Magic Johnson has the ball.

Three seconds on the clock.

Two...

And the crowd goes wild.

Hey kid!

Kid wait up.

What's your name?

Are you a student here?

Chris.
I just transferd here.

I'm Coach Brady.

Welcome to Corleone
Junior High.

What I mean is, welcome
to the basketball team.

The basketball team?

I didn't try out
for the basketball team.

Son, after a shot like
that, you don't have to.

All I did was throw away
a piece of trash.

If a white kid had done that,
he wouldt haven'ven noticed.

But 'cause I was black,
here's what the coach saw.

...gets the ball to Dr. J.

He goes inside... Unbelievable!

I know you probably play
up at the courts in Harlem.

Uh, no, I'm from Bed-Stuy.

They're different?

Look, we were five
and 20 last season,

but with you...

I'm asking you,
give my program a shot.

Give your program a shot?
I can't play.

Yeah, right.

Look, kid, I'm not blind.

I tried
to play basketball once.

But I sucked.

Ball! Ball!

Ball!

I sucked
at every sport I tried.

Baseball...

Football...

Like a fool,
I even tried bowling.

Look, son, I need you
on this team.

What's your name again?

My name's Chris.

Swish. That's you.

Swish.

You can suit up
on game day.

We're up against Delio.

Be at the gym at 3:30.

See you at the game, Swish.

When my mother wasn't working,

sometimes we would rent out
a room upstairs

to make ends meet.

Are all of these
children yours?

Um, six of them are.

But I don't know where
these other kids came from.

Do y'all take food stamps?

Hey, hey.

- I'm tired of this.
- We've been here 15 minutes,

and you already acting up...

- Go comb your hair and brush your teeth.
- Comb my hair?

- We don't got no daggone brushes.
- Why don't you go

wait in the car?
Go wait in the car.

We ain't got no car.
We took the bus.

Y'all take food stamps?

So, you work at the church?

Yes!

* Yes, I do! *

* And I just need a place, ha *

* To lay my weary head, huh *

* Not trying to pay more *

* Than $300 a month, ha *

* And all I need to know, ha *

* Do you take *

* Food stamps? *

H ey,

you know if that apartment's
still for rent?

Oh, yeah, it's my place.

I'm Julius.

- Tate.
- Hey, nice to meet you.

It's clean, and it's nice.

How much you asking?

450.

450?
I can only pay four months advance.

Four months?!

All right, six,
but that's it.

With six months
in advance rent,

he could have shot my father
in the ass

and still got the room.

Have you ate yet?
There you go.

Come on up here, huh?

Watch out.

All right, so, we're all getting
together today

during lunch, and
we're l gonna stay for the...

You're Chris, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm Ernie D.

This is the team.

Hey, uh,
let's go grab some food.

Go on, man.

Come on.

Food.
All right, all right...

Bird's got the range,

but Magic scored 42 points
as a center.

Man, Bird shoots the
lights out every night.

I'm telling you,

I think the Knicks
might make it this year.

A boy can dream.

Hey,

you must be Chris.

I'm Jennifer.

At that moment, I discovered
one of life's great secrets.

Black guy plus basketball
equals white girl.

Now, here's
what would have happened

if I wasn't
on the basketball team.

Oh, stop it.

That sucks. Oh, my ribs.

Hey, Chris, you want
to study for the quiz?

Man, does it look
like I want to study?

Look at me, man. I'm killing.

I'm two feet from a girl!

Yeah, like I was saying,
Bernard King

he was incredible last night.

Hey, Chris.

That was the first time
Caruso ever said my name.

Good luck with the game
tomorrow.

Good luck finding an ax
to go with that shirt.

Being on the basketball team
was gonna be all right.

As long as I didn't have
to play.

Now, even though my father
was the man of the house,

he wasn't supposed
to make decisions

without my mother.

You rented
it to who?

His me is Tate.

Now, is that his first name,
or his last name?

Did you get any
references?

Yeah.

Hamilton, Grant and Lincoln.

Yeah

Hello?

Hello?

Rochelle,

this is Mr. Tate.

So, my husband tells me
you're from Chicago.

That look means "Hey, shut up!

I know what I'm doing."

No, no, I'm from Philly.

Philly?

I love Philly.

It's all right.

Okay, well, it's, um...
nice to meet you.

Uh, if you need anything,
you let us know.

Thank you,
thank you very much.

That man
is not from Philly.

People from Philly
don't shut up about Philly.

All they want
to talk about

is cheese steaks
and Bill Cosby

and Patti LaBelle.
Mm-hmm.

Who you know from Philly

don't want to talk
about Patti LaBelle?

"Patti LaBelle this,
Patti LaBelle that."

That man could be
a serial killer

on the run from the law
for all we know.

Ye, you're right.

Julius!

Rochelle, everything
I need to know about this man

for the next six months
is right here.

Well, I got a bad feeling
about this.

Feel on!

Now hold up, hold up.

Books under the desk,
eyes straight forward.

We're having a pop quiz.

Yes,
I knew it.

Good luck, Swish!

No talking.

Julius, go up there and see what
that man is doing.

Why don't you leave
that man alone?

I'm just trying
to lay down for a few minutes

before I go back
to work.

Look, if I'm not
getting any sleep,

you're not getting
any sleep.

Now, that was mean.

Taking sleep from my father

was like taking ignorance
from a rapper.

Yeah?

It's Julius.

Hey, Mr. Julius,
how you doing?

Hey... um...

my-my wife said she heard sounds
and it's keeping her up.

Sounds?

I didn't hear
anything.

Look... I, um...

You know what?

If-if you hear something,
just let me know.

Will do, Mr. Julius.

So what's he doing?

Nothing.
Go to sleep.

Did you put latches
on the door upstairs?

No, why?

Oh, nothing.

Listen,
I need a favor.

Uh-huh?

I got on the
basketball team,

and I need to learn
how to play by tomorrow.

The basketball team?

Man, are you crazy?

You know you don't know
how to play.

Didn't I say that?

I just need to know enough
to look like I know something.

You know how to faint?

You mean, like,
fake somebody out?

No, I mean, like, fall down

on the ground
so you won't have to play.

Okay, thank you so much
for calling, Ms. Martella.

I really appreciate it.

All right, then.
Bye-bye.

Chris!

How come you didn't tell
me you failed a quiz?

You failed a quiz?

Oh, no, no, it gets
better than that.

Since he failed that quiz,

he can't play in
a basketball game tomorrow.

Thank the Lord!

You're on the basketball team?

You can't play basketball.

I tried to tell him that...

Great!

It always killed my father
that I was no good at sports.

But he would never
tell me that.

My man!

It always killed me
that you were no good at sports.

I'm sorry I flunked
off the team, Dad.

You're not off the team yet.

What?

Lucky for you,

your coach got you
a make-up quiz.

Damn!

That's what
I'm talking about.

So, after dinner,
go upstairs and study.

Because if you don't
pass that quiz,

I'm going to score
40 on your behind.

* Everybody hates Chris. *

Hey.

Oh, hi, Swish.

Good luck
with the game.

Hey, hey, wait.

I wasn't trying to blow you off
the other day.

Then why did you?

It was just that...

It's just I'm not cool?

I liked hanging out
with Greg,

but a life without daily
ass-whuppings

does have its appeal.

No, it's not like that.

It's just...

it's kind of good
to get a break.

All right.

I mean, I can't blame you.

If I were you I'd probably
do the same thing.

Hey, I think I aced the quiz.

I know I failed it.

Wait, but doesn't that mean
you can't play ball?

I wish.

Coach Brady found out
and he got me a make-up.

My mom made me study
all night.

And if I don't pass,
she will kill me.

But if you do play
everybody's going to hate you.

Not everybody.

Just everybody
on the team...

everybody who
likes the team

and everybody else.

All done.

I decided to fail
the test on purpose.

Whatever my mother
might do to me,

at least it wasn't 400 of her.
You passed.

What?!

Hold on, let me see this.

Every answer
on this paper is wrong.

You are on
the basketball team, right?

Yeah, but what does that have
to do with anything?

Good luck at the game, Swish.

Another life secret--

black man plus basketball
equals a C-plus.

I passed.

Way to go, baby! Way to go!

Swish, Swish, Swish...

I bet this is how
Milli Vanilli must have felt

when they were walking up
to accept their Grammy.

Miss Rochelle?

I didn't mean
to bother you,

but can I borrow
some Scotch tape

and some ten-pound
test fishing line?

Fishing line?

Ten-pound test.

We don't have any
fishing line, Mr. Tate.

Maybe your husband does.

Well, maybe I'll ask him
when he gets home.

Thank you, ma'am.

I'll come back down.

That man is not from Philly.

Swish.

I want to run you through
a couple plays.

Basically,

here's you with the ball,
and here's the rest of the guys

getting out
of your way.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Great.
I'll see you out there.

* Sweet dreams are made of this *

* Who am I to disagre? *

* I travel the world and the seven seas *

* Everybody's looking for something *

* Some of them want to use you *

* Some of them want to get used by you *

* Some of them want to abuse you *

* Some of them want to be abused. *

Swish, Swish, Swish,

Swish, Swish, Swish...

You hear those people?

They believe in me.

And if they believed in me,

then I was going to believe
in myself.

Come on, Chris!

I thought you said
you were from Harlem.

Sorry about the game, man.

You should have fainted
like I told you.

Who's that white girl
who kept screaming at you?

Nobody.

I'm sorry, baby.

At that time I didn't know what
I was going to be

when I grew up,

but I knew I wasn't going
to be a basketball player.

Well, it's okay.

At least I passed
my social studies quiz.

What's that?

Nothing.

Anybody want some Kool-Aid?

Julius, I thought
something was wrong

the minute I laid eyes on
that man, and now I know it.

I want him out
of my house.

Yes?

It's me-- Julius.

Yes, Mr. Julius.

We need to come in.

Now?

Yes, now.

Who's that?

Rochelle,
your landlord.

Yes, Miss Rochelle.

I'm sorry.

What is going...?

Look, I don't know who you are
or what you're doing,

but you got to go.

You're kicking me out?

I'm sorry. It's...

it's not going
to work out.

I gave you six months rent.

I know.

You've been here
three days.

You don't know how much
that's killing him right now.

I'm crying
just looking at him.

That's 450...
divided by 30...

- 15...
- Julius, you counted it ten times.

Look, you got to get
your spooky ass out of here.

Come on, Julius.

I'm sorry...

Julius!

I'll be back
for my change.

Philly, my ass.

$400...

Shh.

We're going up
the stairs. Let's go.

On my signal. Go!

Move, move, move!

Turns out my mother was right.

Mr. Tate wasn't from Philly.

He was wanted in so many states
for so many crimes

that when they caught him
they had to let 30 guys go.

What's that?

Nothing.

That's just Mr. Tate leaving.

Hmm.

Wait a minute.
Where's my Kool-Aid?

Nice game, Raj.

The one chance you have
to make yourself useful

and you blew it.

I'd punch you if you
didn't stink so bad.

Hey...

Go for the yellow.

The yellow?
Yeah.

Hey, how come you didn't
come to the game?

I felt bad
not being there,

but I would
have felt worse

seeing you miss
all those shots,

trip over the ball
and pass to the other team.

You sure you weren't there?

The good thing about
hanging out with nerds was

they were happy
to hang out with anybody.

B-plus. Cool.

Wait a second.
I thought I had a C-plus.

I thought you were
on the team.