Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 15 - Everybody Hates the Lottery - full transcript

[***]

NARRATOR:
In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people

have reputations
for different things.

Diedre Garfield was 23
and had a reputation

for being the youngest
grandmother in Brooklyn.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

All right, I got everything
under control!

NARRATOR:
Mr. Jackson had a reputation
for being crazy as hell.

And a lot of people say
he invented homelessness.

Move the car!
You want to fight?

NARRATOR:
I had a reputation too.



Not only for being a nerd
or getting beat up every day,

I was also known for being

the best Asteroids player
in Bed-Stuy.

[***]

[CHANGE JINGLING]

I'd beat people from all over:

Chinatown...

Rikers...

the Village...

Even though I was a nerd,

it felt really good

that there was one thing
that nobody could beat me at.

Chris, somebody beat your score
last night.

NARRATOR:
Hey, even Mike Tyson
got knocked out.



[***]

NARRATOR:
Ain't this about a--

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

NARRATOR:
My mother had paying bills
down to a science,

but there were always things
she didn't count on.

Oh, damn it!

Hey, honey.

Hey, baby.
What's wrong?

Well, I used this
month's phone bill

to pay half of last month's
electric bill,

and now I don't have
enough for the gas bill.

Well, why don't you just use
the electric bill money

to pay the electric bill?

Well, Tonya had to
get a filling.

She had a cavity.
She did?

NARRATOR:
My father never knew when
there was anything wrong

with the kids unless we were
unconscious or in the hospital.

Oh... Oh, no, no, no.

We're gonna have to cut back.

Cut back on what?

I mean, we're barely
getting by as it is.

NARRATOR:
That look only meant one thing.

Oh, no. Uh-uh.
Uh-uh, not my turtles.

You are not taking
away my turtles.

NARRATOR:
My mother loved
chocolate turtles

more than anything else
in the world.

Whenever she ate one,

it was like all of life's
problems just went away.

[TV BLARING]
[ALL SHOUTING]

[***]

NARRATOR:
It's a good thing
she chose those turtles

instead of guns.

Those chocolate turtles
are costing us $12 a box.

Oh. You gotta take
away my turtles.

You know
I need my turtles.

Why don't you cut off
your lottery playing?

Pssh. I'm not cutting
out my numbers.

Oh!

If you don't play,
how can you expect to win?

Look, it says so right here.

Oh, no, no, no.

No that damn
dream book.

NARRATOR:
My dad was the most
level-headed person I knew,

except when it came
to playing the lottery,

and he always consulted
his lucky star dream book.

A dream book takes any
possible dream you can have

and transforms it
into a lucky number.

You dreamt about a monkey
on the train

in the middle of a blizzard.

Here it is: 8-1-4.

I dreamt Dr. J
was roller-skating

with two white women
in Sweden.

Here it is: 6-2-1.

White ladies?

Rochelle, if I win
the lottery,

you can buy all the
chocolate turtles you want.

But you eating chocolate turtles
ain't helping nobody.

Well, if you
play the lottery,

I'm eating my turtles.

Fine...I'll quit the lottery.

Okay, then.

NARRATOR:
Can you believe
this is a real argument?

[STUDENTS CLAPPING]

At school, even Greg
was getting a reputation.

And for Best Attendance...
Greg Wuliger!

Yes!
[STUDENTS CLAPPING]

NARRATOR:
Getting an award for attendance

is kind of like getting
an award for breathing.

[***]

Wait, your dad is giving you
$5 just for coming to school?

I bet him I wouldn't miss a day
this year. So far, so good.

NARRATOR:
My mother told me I'd better
not miss a day of school

or else she'd take $5
off my ass.

This is so cool.
NARRATOR:The only award

I could've gotten at Corleone
would've been...

For Taking the Best
Ass Whupping... Chris.

[STUDENTS CLAPPING]

Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

[***]

NARRATOR:
But instead of an award,
I had Asteroids.

Hey, I got the top five scores
on Asteroids yesterday.

Get out of here.
No way.

Yeah, but some kid
beat me.

I have to protect my title.

Man, you're just like
Apollo Creed inRocky II.

You sure you can
beat this guy?

Hey, I've got a reputation
to maintain.

Hey, Tonya, ask Daddy
for some money

so we can get
some candy tomorrow.

How come you can't ask?

Because if I ask,
he'll give me a speech.

If you ask, he'll
give you the money.

If Daddy gives me the money,

you have to share
some of that candy with me.

Okay.
All right.

[***]

JULIUS:
Six...

Daddy.

Huh? What?

Can I have a dollar?

What do you need a dollar for?

I want to get Drew some, um...
some candy.

Oh...that's nice.

NARRATOR:
My father was crazy
about Tonya.

She was the only one
in the house who would dare

take sleep and money from him
at the same time.

Thanks, Daddy.

NARRATOR:
In Bed-Stuy, we never had
a real video arcade to go to.

All we had was Doc's.

At Doc's, you can get
almost anything.

You could cash a check.

That'll be $5.

NARRATOR:
You could get an alibi.

Nah, it wasn't him.
He was here.

That'll be $5.

NARRATOR:
You could even get
your teeth pulled.

Ah...
Open.

Ah!

[SCREAMS]

Your mama know you're down here?
Yes, sir.

NARRATOR:
My mother didn't like me
hanging out at Doc's

'cause she thought that would
eventually lead to this...

I'm a junkie.

A crackhead.

Look, just tell my ma
her oldest son is a crackhead.

Hey! Little dude
from across the street.

NARRATOR:
Usually Jerome would rob me,

but not when I was about
to play Asteroids.

You getting ready
to play Asteroids?

Yeah. Some kid
beat my score.

For real? Oh, no!
I know you're not

gonna take that, man.

You'd better protect your rep.

[GAME CHIMING]

NARRATOR:
If I didn't get
my high score back,

somebody was gonna
get hit with a brick.

* I'm the boy wonder
Tragic super duper *

* Raised in the Bridge

* 'Cause I'm
A Queensbridge trooper *

Come on, come on.
Do it. Do it.

* '88 is on the way
I make a big difference *

* I make it visual
And intellectually clear *

* The rebel is here

BOY:
You're Chris.

NARRATOR:
Hey, he's big.

So you're Doah.

What?

Doah.

That's DOA.

It means dead on arrival.

My name is Jorge.

So what,
you want to play?

Come on.

NARRATOR:
I know it looks strange,
but before people

got Play Stations
in their backseats,

you actually had to go
someplace to play video games.

[***]

Come on.

* ...man on a mission

* Diagnosing the story
Like a mental condition *

* Everybody wants
A piece of the pie *

* Living the life
Or is it living a lie? *

* Got your eyes
On the prize *

[ALL CHEERING, CHATTERING]

All right, man,
that was a good game.

Hey, hold up.
Where are you going?

I gotta get home.

What, you're not gonna
give him a rematch?

Yeah, you can't just beat
the man and walk out.

Hey, I really gotta go.

Besides,
I'll just beat him again.

Ooh...

Want to put some money
on that?

NARRATOR:
If you have a good reputation,

you have to be willing
to do anything to protect it.

I can't play for money.

CROWD:
Aw...

Don't tell me you're scared.
I'm not.

I just gotta go home.

Man, I can't believe
you're scared of this dude.

Come on, go, get, come on.

NARRATOR:
Anybody got five bucks?

* Everybody hates Chris

CHRIS:
Hey, I need a favor.

I need to borrow
your five dollars.

What? What do
you need it for?

I beat this kid
playing Asteroids,

and now he wants
to play for money.

Can't you just save up
your lunch money?

Or take your neighbor's
garbage out?

Or help small ladies carry
groceries to their car?

Or turn in some Coke bottles
or something?

NARRATOR:
Note to self:
when begging, be persistent.

Hey, I don't have time
for this.

You got to do this, or my
reputation's gonna be ruined.

NARRATOR:
I wonder if that's how O.J.
got A.C. to drive that Bronco.

[EXHALES]
Thanks.

[***]

NARRATOR:
After a day with no turtles,

my mother was going through
serious sugar withdrawal.

Ooh! Ooh!

NARRATOR:
She'd eat any sugar
she could find.

From anywhere
she could find it.

[GRUNTS, THEN LAUGHS]

NARRATOR:
All I can tell you is that

crack ain't got nothin'
on chocolate turtles.

Here.

NARRATOR:
Drew was getting his fix too.

I know you're giving me
more than that.

You're not supposed to be
eating candy, anyway.

You just got a filling.

I'm telling Mama!

[***]

NARRATOR:
Some people had wine,
my mom had Aunt Jemima.

Oh, see...
Mama!

Drew got some candy, and this is
all he gave me, three p-- Ma!

Candy?
Did you say candy?

Yeah?

Drew, get in here!

You got candy?
Ma!

Don't "Ma" me.
Don't "Ma" me right now, boy.

Do you have anything
in here that...

[SNIFFING]
...that tastes like turtles?

No.
Something that has

chocolate, peanuts, caramel,
something like that?

I don't know.

Where in the world
did you get money for candy?

Daddy.

[***]

CROWD:
Ooh!

Now, that's what
I'm talking about.

NARRATOR:
What he's actually
talking about is

which one of us he's gonna rob

after we get through
with the game.

Ha!
Oh, whoa!
Wh-Wh-What's wrong with you!

Turtles!

I ain't got my turtles!

I'm over here drinking syrup

while you're still
buying lottery tickets.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you?

Baby, I did it for you.

Julius, we both had
an agreement.

And you have to honor
that agreement.

Do you know what kind of message
we are sending to our children?

Message?
You're telling our kids,

"Oh, go ahead, little children,
ignore your mother,

'cause she's a lunatic!"

I didn't say that!
Yes, you did!

What I meant was,
it's just... It's...

It's just a couple
of dollars.

Are we cutting back?

Or am I...cutting back?

[CRYING]
'Cause I can't do it
by myself.

Ah, baby, no, baby.
I feel alone.

No, no, we-we're cutting back,
we're cutting back, okay?

I'm sorry.
We can do this!

We can do this.

I get the shakes at night,
Julius, I get the shakes!

It's all right,
we can do this.

Okay.

Okay.

[***]

Fine.

[GROANS]
[WHOOPS]

Yeah, baby!
Oh, yeah, baby!

Watch out,
let me through.

Good game.
You almost had him.

You got a lot of heart,
little dude.

NARRATOR:
I wonder if I could sell
my heart for five dollars.

You lost?
How can you lose?

Hey, I'll pay you back.
I'll...carry some groceries

or return some soda bottles
or something.

That crap'll take forever!

Well, why'd you
tell me to do it?

Because I didn't want
to give you my money?

I'm as surprised
as you are.

No. I'd say you're about 5 bucks
less surprised than I am.

NARRATOR:
He's starting to sound
like my father.

[***]

Hey. I'm gonna
pay you back.

It'll take a couple of weeks,
but I will.

You got to play him again.

No. I don't think so.

What about your rep?

I've got a new one:

sucker.

Come on.

NARRATOR:
I missed being the Asteroids
champ of Bed-Stuy.

Without that,
I was just another bum

from the neighborhood.

My father wouldn't
usually admit

he was wrong about things, at
least not in front of the kids.

I have something to say.

NARRATOR:
I thought he was about to
tell us he was leaving us

for a white family
across town.

I'm sorry.

What'd you do?

After your mother gave up
her chocolate turtles

so we could pay the bills...
I played the lottery.

I shouldn't
have done that.

I was wrong.

Is that why she ate up
all our candy?

I should've never given
you money for candy.

Dad, um,
it's not all her fault.

I asked her to do it.

But only because I knew
you'd give it to her.

How'd you know that?

Because you give her
everything she wants.

TONYA:
That's not true.

One time I asked
if I could set Chris on fire,

and he didn't
let me do that.

Well, thank goodness
for that.

I have a confession too.

I've been hanging out
at that corner store.

Chris...

But I was only
playing Asteroids.

Oh. Well, that ain't so bad.

And I lost five dollars.

What? Five dollars?

Ooh! I'm telling!

Now, who are you gonna tell?
We're all sitting right here.

ROCHELLE:
How did you lose $5, boy?

Where did you get $5?

I bet a guy
playing Asteroids, and...

and I got the $5 from Greg.

What are you doing
betting on video games?

CHRIS:
I was trying to protect
my reputation.

DREW:
You have a reputation?

Yeah. I am the best player
on the block.

Cool.
Then how come you didn't win?

Because you need
to be quiet, that's why.

Don't tell me to be--!
[BOTH SHOUTING]

Hey, hey, that's enough.
It's your problem.

You borrowed it,
you pay it back.

I am.

I better not hear no more
about you betting money.

Yes, ma'am.
All right.

Mama, can we have
our candy--?

No!

I ate it.

I don't need y'all getting

any more cavities
than what y'all got.

No cavities in this house.

NARRATOR:
But at this rate,
there'll be plenty of diabetes.

[GULPING LOUDLY]

Needs more sugar.

[YAWNS]

You all right?

Yeah, I'm just tired.

I had this weird dream
last night

and couldn't
fall back to sleep.

Dream, huh?

Yeah, it was bizarre.

I was walking
down the street,

waving hello
to everybody,

but nobody was
waving back.

It was as if
they couldn't see me.

So you were invisible?
Yeah.

NARRATOR:
Mama had turtles,
Daddy had the lottery.

Oh, that's right...

NARRATOR:
It's a wonder
nobody sold the TV.

Come here. I need you to go to
the corner store after school

and buy a lottery ticket for me.
Six-three-seven.

Yeah, but you said
you weren't--

I know what I said! Huh?

I've just got a feeling
about this.

NARRATOR:
Translation: Just shut up
and do what I tell you.

Now, keep this between
me and you, all right?

Six-three-seven,
all right?

And keep the ticket on you.
Go! Go, go, go!

NARRATOR:
He hadn't been that excited
about a dream

since Martin Luther King's.

[RADIO PLAYING]

What do you need today?

NARRATOR:
My father played the lottery
a thousand times

and lost a thousand times.

I had only lost my rep once,

and I wasn't about
to let that happen again.

Give me four quarters.

Now you're talking.

[***]

Want to play me
for some more money?

I don't have any money.

I just want to prove
I can beat you.

[GAME CHIMING]

[MUTTERING]

No...

Aha! Ha-ha!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

What now, sucka? Ha!

Good game, man.
You should've bet me, though.

NARRATOR:
If I had bet him,
I couldn't help but think

that this would've happened...

Looks, good, huh?
JULIUS: I'm hungry.

[***]

Who are you?
I'm Jorge.

I won your family from Chris
playing Asteroids.

I told Chris
to stay out of that store.

Can you cook mofongo?

What?
What'd you call her?

Come tu comida.

I was raised around
Puerto Ricans.

NARRATOR:
There's something about
defending your reputation

that makes you feel like you
accomplished something.

And even though
I didn't get Greg's money back,

I had my rep.

Even though my father
never won the lottery,

it always made him feel like

there was one thing
in the world

he had a shot at winning.

And to him,
that dollar was worth it.

ANNOUNCER:
And tonight's
winning numbers are...

6...3...7.

I won! I won!

I won!

What happened?
My number hit!

Chris, show your mama
the ticket.

Show your mama the ticket, man!

Show your mama
the ticket.

Mama!
* Everybody hates Chris

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now