Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 14 - Everybody Hates Valentine's Day - full transcript

[***]

CHRIS ROCK:
1983 was my first
Valentine's Day as a teenager.

I never really cared
about Valentine's Day before,

but now I couldn't ignore it.

Valentine's Day makes
most people

think of flowers and candy,

but it reminded me of the
gangland massacre in Chicago.

Happy Valentine's Day.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Yesterday,
those roses cost $10.

Today, they're $110.



Even when you're broke,
you have to find a way

to tell your woman
you love her.

OFFICER:
Hey!

You picked the wrong wall today!

Even if it means getting
the crap beat out of you.

On Valentine's Day,
love was in the air.

You should have seen what
they did after they shot him.

Hey.
Hi. Happy Valentine's Day.

Even at school, Valentine's Day
was a big deal, and it seemed

like everybody was getting
something except me.

Still a few days to go.
We could still get a card.

That look means,
"If we weren't friends,

I'd smack the hope out of you."

Hey, I got one. I got
a Valentine's Day card.



Cool.

Hey, if I got a card,
I know you will.

What's it say?

Roses are red, violets are blue,

you stink like a monkey
and look like one too.

Happy Valentine's Day.
BOY: Loser!

So much for love in the air.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

[***]

I didn't have any luck
with girls when I was 13.

Mostly, I just had
a bunch of crushes.

They call it a crush
because chances are

if you open your mouth,
you're gonna get crushed.

They could have called it,
"She don't like you, stupid,"

but "crush" is just quicker.

That's Tangee Brown.

Hi.

All she ever
said to me was "hi."

That's all I needed. After
that, she became my bus crush.

I call it a bus crush

because this one
happened on a bus.

One time
I had an elevator crush.

I almost lost my head
trying to follow her around.

There was my window crush.

[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]

The laws about that were a lot
more relaxed at the time.

There was only
one problem with my bus crush:

she had a boyfriend.

Why I gotta be stupid?
Youlost your hat.

I was trying to keep you
from getting on the wrong bus.

Oh, so I'm dumb now?
Yeah, Tangee.

And you're getting on my nerves.

[BELL DINGS]

Clyde, you still got my books.
Here.

You need to read them. Maybe
they'll teach you how to act.

This must be
how the drummer felt

watching Ike and Tina fight.

Thank you.
You want to sit down?

No, that's okay.

Oh, no, it's all right.
I like to stand.

Thanks.

At that moment,

somebody could have sold me
a lifetime bus pass.

[MOUTHS]
I love you.

CHRIS ROCK:
My mother loved
Valentine's Day,

and why not?
I learned early on,

Valentine's Day
is not a day for couples,

it's a day for women.

If a woman shows up at a man's
door empty-handed, big deal.

But if a man shows up
empty-handed,

he may as well
not have shown up at all.

WOMAN: Die, you pig!
Aah!

He won't forget next year.

ROCHELLE: Hello?
GIRL:Can I talk to Drew?

Drew can't come
to the phone right now.

We're having dinner.
I'm his valentine.

His who?
His valentine.

His only valentine.
Okay, bye.

Drew, you need
to tell these fast little girls

to stop calling
all hours of the day and night.

I told them already.
Tell them again.

They're all calling, "Well,
tell him his valentine called."

I don't have time for that.

Relax. Boy can't help it
if he's popular.

Chris, how many valentine cards
did you get so far?

None.
How come girls don't like you?

None of your business,
that's why.

Don't get mad at me.
Hey, hey, hey.

Mama, can you help me make
a Valentine's Day card?

JULIUS:
A homemade card.

That's my little girl,
saving that money.

Sure, baby. Who's it for?
My boyfriend.

[***]

Your what friend?
Well, the girl can't help it

if she's popular.

Where'd you get a boyfriend?
At school.

Ma, do you have a place
where I can put all my cards?

How many you giving out, boy?

Well, I'm not really
giving them out.

Girls just keep
giving them to me.

JULIUS:
My man.

Are girls supposed to give boys
Valentine's Day cards?

They're giving them to him.

What's that
got to do to with me?

How long
have you had a boyfriend?

Just for a week.

Rochelle?
Julius.

I wish somebody would give me
a Valentine's Day card that says

something besides "I hate you."

Well, if you want,
you can have one of mine.

And I thought getting
his hand-me-downs was bad.

Mm, no, thank you.

Who gave you a card
that said "I hate you"?

Oh, I don't know.

It's just a stupid joke.

Even though
I didn't like Caruso,

I didn't think he deserved
to be cursed out by my mother.

Even though
my father wasn't romantic,

he wasn't stupid, either.

He had a box full of
greeting cards in the house.

He could give my mother
a card for any occasion.

Happy Anniversary.

Aw, you shouldn't have.

Happy Flag Day.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Happy Chanukah.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

He used to keep
candy under the bed too,

but the mice kept eating it.

[ROCHELLE CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, babe.
Hey, baby.

This is for you.

Baby, it's not even
Valentine's Day yet.

I know, but every day
is special with you.

Oh, Julius, you didn't have to.

But since you did...

You see all this right here?
You see that?

That's why Tonya don't need
to be running around

talking about
she got a boyfriend.

Julius, she's 10 years old.

He's just a boy in her class.
It's no big deal.

Rochelle, do you watch the news?

Girls are having babies at 10.

And grandbabies at 20.

Drew is the one
you need to be worried about.

What for?
So a few girls like him.

There's nothing wrong with that.
He's 11.

He's only
one year older than Tonya.

Pssht.
What is the difference?

She is a girl.

Baby, you cannot protect
Tonya from everything.

You wanna bet? Watch me.

I'll protect her
from everything. Everything.

It was clear that my father
already had a plan.

Daddy, this is Ronald.
My fiancé.

Nice to meet you, sir.

[GROANS]

Mama! Daddy shot
my fiancé again.

Hey, say what you want, but
that's effective birth control.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hey, why do girls like guys
that are mean to them?

Nice guys finish last.

Maybe the mean guys beat
the crap out of the nice guys

so when the girls show up,
no one else is around.

Did you say anything
to her?

I picked up her books
and I offered her a seat.

Oh, man, this is major.

What's her name?
Tangee.

Greg, this is for you.

Oh, yeah.

Please don't open it
until I leave.

Promise?
Okay.

[***]

Valentine's Day card?

It says "Be mine."

Okay.

Yeah.

Man, "Be my valentine,"
that's so cool.

Hey, look, you got one too.

"Roses are red,
violets are blue...

cupid hates your guts,
and I do too."

Well, at least this time
he wrote a poem.

[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]

I never knew when
I'd see Tangee on the bus,

so I was always excited
when I saw her get on.

TANGEE: Let me go!
No.

Unfortunately, she was
always excited too.

Not "happy" excited, more
like "hold me back" excited.

Look what you did to my jacket.
It's all stretched out.

If you got on like I said,
it wouldn't have happened.

You ain't my daddy.
I don't have to do what you say.

Push me again
and see what happens.

Hey. Leave her alone.

What?
You heard him.

What you gonna do now?

Hey, I don't need any help
getting my ass whupped.

That's the one thing
I'm good at.

* Everybody hates Chris

Mind your business.
I couldn't back down now.

I was scared if I moved
I might pee myself.

No.

Get the hell off my bus, boy.

Okay.
Not you. You.

Come on, let's go.
Why I got to get off?

He started it.
Quit lying.

He ain't start nothing.

Why don't you quit lying?
I said, get off.

Now move.

[BUS DOORS OPEN]

You want to sit down?

Sure.

Why'd you do that?
I don't know.

I wasn't thinking, I guess.

My father said you're not
supposed to hit a girl.

You know your father?
Yeah.

Nobody's ever looked out for me
like that before.

What's your name?
Chris.

[***]

I'm Tangee.

Here.

A Valentine's Day card?

Yeah. I was gonna give it
to Clyde, but he makes me sick.

Thanks.
This was great,

my first Valentine's.

So what if it was meant
for a future wife beater?

He ain't beat me.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hi. Is Drew home?

Do you realize
it's 8:30 at night?

Drew is in bed.

He is 11.

E-L-E-V-E-N, 11.

I--
Go home.

If I see you
around my child again,

I'm calling the cops. Got that?
Yeah, I--

Okay, I know all of that.
I know, girl, I know.

Beat it.

Ooh, these are my favorites.

Mm! Mm-mm-mm.

All right, bye, Dad.
See you later, son.

Daddy, you haven't walked us
to school in a long time.

I know. It's been a while.

Aren't you supposed
to be sleeping?

Yeah. I can get my rest later.

Mama said you don't like
walking us to school.

That's not true.

You want a dollar?
Yeah.

All right. There you go.

Hey, since I'm here,

why don't you show me which one
of these kids is your boyfriend?

Oh, um...there he is.

James!

So that's him, huh?
Yeah.

All right.

Bye, Daddy.
All right, bye, baby.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

[CHILDREN CLAMORING]

Who, me?
Yeah, you.

Get over here.
What's your name?

My name is "Don't worry
about what my name is."

What, you think you're some
kind of ladies' man?

I don't know any ladies.
They're not even ladies to you?

No. Uh, I don't know...

Who are you?
Don't worry about who I am.

Worry about
who you're giving them cards to.

I want my mama.
Oh, so you a mama's boy?

Yes.
Well, listen up, mama's boy.

You stay away from
my daughter, you hear me?

Huh?

[CRYING]

Hey, man, stop that.

Hey, stop that.

MAN:
Hey, stay away from that boy!

Get out of here!
I was just talking to him.

MAN:
Hey, you, I'm talking to you!

While my father was getting rid
of Tonya's valentine,

I wish he'd been around
to get rid of mine.

[***]

"Roses are red,
violets are blue...

Please go back to Africa
and take your mother with you.

[LAUGHING]

Happy Valentine's Day."
BOY: Moron.

Another card like this,
and I might just go to Africa.

What's wrong with you?

I'm trying not to bump
into Joy again.

The school's only but so big.

You're bound to run
into her sometimes.

I just don't know
what my next move is.

Well, did you get her a card?
No.

Then that's your next move.

You can come with me.
I was gonna go get one anyway.

For who?

The girl on the bus.
She gave me one yesterday.

And you didn't tell me?

I go to bed early,
but you can call

and wake me up when something
this important happens.

Well, I wanted
to tell you in person.

I broke up a fight between
her and her boyfriend.

You broke up a fight?
Yeah, and she gave me this card.

Dude, this is huge.

Is it? I-I don't know.

It... It's just a card.

A card is,
"I'm yours for the taking."

How in there do you have to be
before you get it?

Why is it
that when it comes to me,

you know so much about girls,

but you freak out
when one gives you a card?

I guess it's kind of like not
being able to cut your own hair.

Before you ever
buy a girl a gift,

the first thing you've got to
do is buy her the perfect card.

Nah, that's too much.

You haven't even
kissed her yet. Have you?

Um...how about this one?

"You know the deal.

I want you to be my valentine."

That's cool, but it's more
for a friend than a girl.

Whoa, cool.

"Relatively speaking,
would you be my valentine?"

This is perfect.
For Tangee? No, thanks.

No, for Joy.

Greg never fought being a nerd.

I always wondered
how that worked out for him.

[***]

[HORN HONKING]

Come on, honey!

Greg, when did you get
this car?

Well, the Bentley's
in the shop.

I kind of like this one.

Dude, this card is $2.50.

Hey, you've gotta pay
to play, right?

Quick, give me my card.

Here.

Here. This is for you.

Thank you.
GREG: No, no, no, no.

Read it when you get home.
Okay.

Man, that was close.

What's this?

Oh, ha, ha, very funny.

Chris!

How could you?

When I found out how Caruso
had been teasing you,

I thought you'd appreciate
a real valentine from someone.

Obviously, I was wrong.
Nowadays, you wish

all the teacher
gave your kids were cards.

I didn't know it was yours.

While I couldn't have been
less popular, back at home,

Drew couldn't have been
more popular.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?
GIRL:Is my valentine home yet?

No, Drew is
still outside playing.

Stop calling here!

What's wrong, what's wrong?

All these girls calling.

It's getting on my nerves.

I already have
enough to deal with.

Can you believe some maniac
threatened the kids?

I've gotta go pick them up
from school today.

Well, at least Drew's there
to protect Tonya.

Now, what are we gonna do
about Drew and these girls?

Huh? What?

Julius, every five minutes,

some girl is calling
or knocking at the door.

Drew is way too young
to get this much attention.

Rochelle, it's nothing, okay?

Drew's only 11 years old.

He don't care
about those girls.

Boys are becoming fathers
even at age 12.

CHRIS ROCK:
And great-grandfathers at 43.

Baby, relax.

Don't worry about it.

You don't worry about it,

'cause I ain't about to let
nobody call me Grandmama.

With my mother on the job,

I didn't get a girl
till I was 33.

Meanwhile, Drew had more girls
than an Usher after-party.

Happy Valentine's Day, Drew.

Oh, thank you, Miss Johnson.
Uh-huh.

As bad as my Valentine's Day
had been going, I knew

I could count on my bus crush
to make it all right.

Hey, Chris, I saved you a seat.

Thanks.

Can I ask you something?
What?

How come you go with a guy
that you always fight with?

I'm not going with him anymore.
He's stupid.

That's all I needed to hear.

Hey, I got you something.

Really? That's so sweet.

What else?

What else, what?

Where's the gift?
I only got you a card.

That's it?
It's Valentine's Day,

and all you got me was
this cheap-ass card?

I-I just met you.
So?

Where's the flowers?
Where's the candy?

I thought I meant
something to you.

I thought we had a connection.

You know, I could have stayed
with Clyde's sorry ass

if this is how you
were gonna treat me.

Can you please quiet down?
You don't tell me to be quiet.

Why don't you be quiet?
Better yet, shut up!

Gonna tell me to be quiet.
You ain't my daddy!

Getting cursed out on a bus

is not really how I expected
to end my Valentine's Day,

but it did prove my point.

If you have a crush,
you get crushed.

This is a piece of paper!
I don't need this!

Where was the bus driver
with a bat when you needed him?

I kissed your
little funky cheek,

but I could have
stayed with Clyde.

Here, take back your stupid
card. I do not need this.

Drew, you gotta return
these cards to Miss Johnson.

A 30-year-old married woman

giving cards
to my 11-year-old son.

What about the candy?

I think sending
the cards back makes the point.

Giving the card to Tangee
didn't work out,

but I knew my mother
would appreciate one.

Thank you, sweetie.

You didn't have to give me
a card.

I already know that you love me.

[CHUCKLES]

Who the hell is Joy?

Joy, are you dating a black guy?

She did, five years later.

* Everybody hates Chris

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now