Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 16 - Everybody Hates the Gout - full transcript
Chris gets an 'F' on his report card and tries to figure out a way to change his grade before his parents find out. When Julius is sick with the gout, he starts watching The Young and the Restless.
[***]
NARRATOR:
In my house,
everyone had a job.
It was my father's job
to pay the bills.
I'm hungry.
And I'm cold.
I'm hungry and cold.
Eat a piece of cracker.
Your father's coming.
[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
I've got the money.
[ALL CHEERING]
NARRATOR:
It was my mother's job to keep
the house and the kids in line.
Boy.
Quit leaving your socks
all over the place.
Boy, mop the floor.
Girl, clean up
the table.
Good job, baby.
NARRATOR:
As kids, we only had one job:
go to school
and get decent grades.
KIDS:
Bye, Mommy. Love you.
Have a good day.
Don't come home stupid.
KIDS:
We won't.
NARRATOR:
I could usually
get a good grade
just by talking
about Dr. Martin Luther King.
Free at last, free at last.
Thank God Almighty,
we are free at last.
NARRATOR:
In English class...
My book report is on
Dr. Martin Luther King.
NARRATOR:
In history...
My history report is on
the Birmingham Bus Boycott
led by Dr. Martin Luther King.
The only place
Martin Luther King didn't work
was in math.
Chris, what's
the square root of 144?
[***]
1963? The same year that
Dr. Martin Luther King
led the March on Washington?
No, it's 12.
[BELL RINGS]
All right, class.
Pick up your report cards
on the way out
and bring them back
signed tomorrow.
Oh, no.
What?
I got an F.
Aw, man. That's rough.
What's your mom
gonna say?
I don't know, but it ain't
gonna be "Free at last."
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
[***]
Look at my babies!
Drew, you got a B-plus in gym.
Good job! You can have
whatever you want for dinner.
Really? Thanks, Mom.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, can I have pork chops
and spaghetti?
You sure can.
Yes!
Well, Mom, I got
a B in science.
What do I get?
You can have whatever
dessert you want.
Uh, ice cream and cake?
Ice cream and cake it is.
Good job, baby.
Ooh, boy, don't
you see me cooking?
Sorry.
Where's your report card?
They didn't hand them out yet.
NARRATOR:
I couldn't bring myself
to tell my mother I got an F.
Next to dealing drugs,
getting bad grades
was the worst thing
you could do.
It was worse than this...
Tonya, what happened?
Mama, I had to smoke that fool.
Oh, not him. I'm talking about
this D you got in algebra.
NARRATOR:
And worse than this...
Drew!
Where is that boy?
What the hell is wrong
with you?
I'm following my dream, Mama.
I'm gonna be a country
and western singer.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about this F.
Now, take your Johnny Cashless
ass upstairs and study.
You think I'm
playing with you?
Where'd you get
that guitar?
You better not be selling
drugs in my house.
NARRATOR:
I didn't know what to do,
but I couldn't give her
that report card.
Let me know
when you get it.
Yes, ma'am.
[***]
Need any help cooking?
Sure. Thank you, baby.
NARRATOR:
I figured if I showed her
how useful I could be,
she wouldn't kill me
when she found out.
While I was trying to figure
out what to do about my F,
my father was home sick,
trying to figure out
how he got the gout.
Oh, baby...
when did you get the gout?
I don't know.
It just happened.
NARRATOR:
I know you're probably
wondering, what is the gout?
Well gout, or the gout
as some people like to call it,
is a form of arthritis,
which causes severe swelling
usually in the ankle
or the big toe.
It's caused by a poor diet,
including things like...
smothered pork chops.
Needs some salt.
Smothered chicken-fried bacon.
Needs some salt.
And smothered
chicken-fried bananas.
Not bad.
Needs salt.
Are you out
your damn mind?
All right, I'm going
to work the phones
over at the real estate
office today.
Try not to eat any junk.
I'll be home in time
to make dinner.
I can't eat that stuff all day.
You can if you want
to get rid of the gout.
Give me a kiss.
Mmm.
[***]
When are you gonna
turn in your report card?
I was thinking, it's so busy
that if I didn't say anything,
Miss Morello will just
forget about it.
NARRATOR:
It didn't take much to graduate
from my old school.
All you needed was a ride
to the graduation.
Who are you?
I was in Ms. Jenkins' class.
Oh. Here.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
Thank you.
[***]
Chris,
where's your report card?
My mom's been really busy.
I promise I'll have it
by tomorrow.
Make sure you do.
NARRATOR:
Because my father was used to
working all the time,
staying home was tough.
But at least he got to watch
one of his favorite things:
Soap operas.
The Yankees were good,
but not better
than soap operas.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
NARRATOR:
At Corleone,
if you needed something
like a forged report card
or a tardy slip,
there was one guy
that could get it for you,
and his name was Fischer.
GREG: Hey, Fischer.
Who's this?
Chris.
Tell him
I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking
to you. Chris.
He a friend of yours?
Yeah.
Pat him down.
[***]
He's clean.
What does he want?
I need a new--
Hey, hey.
Tell him
I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking to you.
He needs a new
report card.
He got an F, but he doesn't want
to show it to his mother.
Okay, I got it.
It's a two-part job.
He needs a report card with an A
for his mother to sign,
and a report card with an F with
his mother's signature on it.
So you'll do it?
I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking to you.
So you'll do it?
Okay, let's say
I do this for him.
What's he gonna do for me?
What do you want?
How about a book report
for English?
[***]
Hey, what the hell's
the matter with you?
Don't you see me
talking to you?
Don't you see him
talking to you?
Can it be on
Martin Luther King?
Deal.
Meet me in the science lab
storage room at 3.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Hey, look over there.
[SLURPING]
[***]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey, Julius.
Uh...Rochelle's not here.
No, no, no.
Rochelle told me
to check on you.
And I brought you this.
What, a salad?
Yeah, I gotta get back.The
Young and the Restlessis on.
[***]
NARRATOR:
I've never had a forged
report card before,
but Greg told me
Fischer was the best.
NARRATOR:
One time he made
such a good fake,
they arrested the guy
who made the original.
Hey, Ma,
I got my report card.
Oh. Let me see.
NARRATOR:I was scared.
Felt like I was giving
a fake diamond to Lil' Kim.
An A in math?
Chris, this is so great.
You got an A in math?
That's right.
So what?
What's three times three?
Nine.
What's four times five?
Twenty.
What's eleven times eleven?
Shut up.
[JULIUS LAUGHING]
Can you sign this?
Oh, he does?
Julius!
Oh, hey, you know,
I gotta go.
All right,
I'll talk to you later.
Oh, man!
Who was that?
Oh, that was Monica.
She was
the hairdresser's friend.
She just wanted to know
what happened.
[GRUNTS]
Well, you two were on the phone
an awfully long time.
Did you know that your son
got an A in math?
My man!
That must be why his teacher
called this afternoon.
Yeah, she wants you to come down
to school on Wednesday
and talk about Chris's grade.
ANNOUNCER:
Will Rochelle find out
about Chris' actual grade?
How long will Chris be able
to keep up this lie?
Will Julius ever
get rid of the gout?
Will Tonya ask Chris
more math questions?
Will Drew get any lines?
Find out this and more, when
Everybody Hates Chrisreturns.
* Everybody hates Chris
NARRATOR:
Once I got my mother's
signature on my report card,
Fischer had what he needed
to complete my plan.
What? I'm a natural.
Now beat it.
NARRATOR:
Since I had the cards in place,
all I had to do
was keep my mother
and Mrs. Morello
from seeing each other
and I would be home free.
Chris, do you have
your signed report card?
[***]
Sure do.
My mother says she won't be able
to come to the school tomorrow.
My father has the gout.
Did you say "the gout"?
Yes. The gout.
I'm concerned about
your grade, Chris.
Well, my mom is too.
She told me I better get a C
on my next report card.
And then she...
Well, let's just say it's
kind of hard to sit down.
[GASPS]
[WINCES, GROANS]
So I guess she's young
and he's restless.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Okay, wait, wait.
We're gonna come back
tomorrow for the update.
Wait, so does Victor's ex-wife
know about him and Nicky?
Ooh, you know what?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Hey, babe.
How you doing?
What's going on here?
Why didn't you tell us
Julius likes
The Young and the Restless?
I didn't know.
[WOMEN CHUCKLING]
This is Pam. You remember Pam.
How you doing?
Good. How are you?
How long y'all been here?
Oh, about three, four hours.
We're catching up on the soaps.
This is my girl Monica.
That's Rochelle.
Nice to meet you, Monica.
Why do you look
so familiar to me?
You tried to sell me
food stamps
down by the subway that day.
I thought you said
you weren't selling
food stamps.
You were selling food stamps?
I wasn't selling no food stamps.
[PHONE RINGING]
Julius, go get the phone.
You hear
the phone ringing.
It rang, like,
three times already.
Thank you, baby.
[WOMEN CHUCKLE]
Girl, that gout
is making him lose his mind.
[ALL LAUGH]
Does gout mess with
your hearing?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hello?
Hey, Mrs. Morello.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on.
Honey, it's for you.
Where'd they go?
They left, gout boy.
[***]
ROCHELLE:
Hi. How are you?
What? An F?
What happened?
The teacher just told me
that Chris got an F.
But he said he got an A.
I can't believe that boy
looked me dead in the eye
and lied to me.
How you wanna handle this?
NARRATOR:
Translation:
do you want to kill him,
or should I?
Hmm...
Oh, I know what to do.
TONYA: Whoa, pancakes?
Pancakes?
Hey, Mom,
we're having pancakes?
No, Chris
is having pancakes.
That's my baby's reward
for getting an A.
TONYA:
Can I have
some pancakes?
Did you get an A?
I got a B.
That's not an A.
Can I have some pancakes?
My foot's getting better. I
might make it to work tomorrow.
Pancakes are
for people who get A's,
not for people
who get the gout.
Baby, you want
anything else?
My A student deserves
nothing but the best.
No. No. Oh, by the way,
my teacher says
she won't
be able to see you today.
That's okay, baby.
I'll talk to her next time.
You want some butter?
My foot's looking better,
don't you think?
Why are you talking
about your foot?
Your son has no conscience.
In there eating pancakes
like he actually got an A.
If you didn't want him
to have the pancakes,
what'd you give them
to him for?
For him to feel guilty
and confess.
But that's okay.
Tomorrow I got
something for him.
Baby, let's talk
about this. Come on.
Oh, so now
you want to talk to me?
Why don't you just
talk to your friends,
since you talk to them
all the time?
Rochelle,
those are your friends.
We were just talking
about the soaps.
Are you jealous?
Hell, yeah. Damn skippy.
How would you feel
if you came home
and I was sitting there
talking to
your friends
about football?
You like football?
No, I don't like football.
Julius, you always want
to talk to me
about bills or the kids.
I just think it would be nice
to talk about
something else for a change.
You want to talk
about the gout?
No! I don't want
to talk about the gout!
[***]
So it worked?
Yep. I told my mother
that Miss Morello was busy,
and I told Miss Morello
that my mother was busy.
That was that,
and I'm just glad it's over.
NARRATOR:
They say when
you're about to die
your life flashes
right before your eyes.
Well, here's
what mine looked like...
[***]
Dude, you're
definitely not in there.
Bye, Chris.
Don't tell any lies
when you get to heaven.
Hey, Chris, can I have
your comic books?
That's a $2 pair of underwear
you're messing up.
Rest in peace, Toby.
Chris.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just here to watch my
brilliant, mathematician son
in action.
Miss Morello said
it would be okay.
[***]
NARRATOR:
If I could just be cool, maybe
everything will be all right.
Today we're doing fractions.
What does three-twelfths
plus three-fourths equal?
Ooh! Ooh!
Me! Pick me.
Rochelle.
Chris has an answer.
He got an A.
That's right.
He did get an A.
NARRATOR:
If I could drive,
I'd do this...
I don't know the answer.
ROCHELLE:
No?
Well, how is that possible?
You're the math wiz.
The human calculator.
You got an A.
I actually got an F.
NARRATOR:
This must be how Marion Barry
felt when that tape got out.
Miss Morello,
thank you
for your time.
Come on, Chris.
See you later, Stymie.
Ma, I can explain.
Okay.
Go ahead.
For real?
Yeah. Explain this.
Okay.
I was afraid you'd get
mad at me for getting an F.
I thought I could
do better next semester,
so I changed my grade,
forged your signature
onto the report card
and gave it to Miss Morello.
I thought
you wouldn't find out.
[MOCKINGLY]
"I thought you
wouldn't find out."
[NORMALLY]
Boy, what do I look like,
Boo-Boo the Fool?
You're running around here
lying, forging my signature.
Have you lost your mind?
Look, Chris,
if you lie
you steal,
if you steal, you kill,
and I am not getting
your behind out of jail.
Chris...
if you would have put
this much effort
into passing the class
in the first place,
you wouldn't
be in this mess.
I am very upset
that you failed that class,
but I'm more upset
that you lied to me.
You are not
stupid, Chris.
Don't act like it.
I bought you in this world,
I'll take you right out.
Do you understand me?
Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Now bring your behind home.
NARRATOR:
My mother had a funny way
of making me feel like the
smartest idiot in the world.
Wait, that's it?
No, you better bring
that grade up,
or I'm gonna slap
the wax out your ears.
NARRATOR:
After I got caught,
my parents finally had
something to talk about.
What happened
with Chris today?
Oh, I got it all handled.
How's your foot?
It's all right.
Got a surprise for you.
I watched
your soap today.
Really?
Yeah, but if you don't
feel like talking...
No, no, no, no.
We can talk about it.
Oh.
Did you know that
Nicky was a stripper?
A stripper?
Mm-hmm.
Does Victor know?
He does now.
[CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR:
Things always
worked out best in my house
when everybody did their job.
And after
being more embarrassed
than I'd ever been in my life,
all I had to do
was one more thing.
Mom, I got my report card.
A D!
My baby got a D.
And you're happy about that?
I'm just happy I don't have
to smack the chap off your lips.
* Everybody hates Chris
NARRATOR:
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
NARRATOR:
In my house,
everyone had a job.
It was my father's job
to pay the bills.
I'm hungry.
And I'm cold.
I'm hungry and cold.
Eat a piece of cracker.
Your father's coming.
[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
I've got the money.
[ALL CHEERING]
NARRATOR:
It was my mother's job to keep
the house and the kids in line.
Boy.
Quit leaving your socks
all over the place.
Boy, mop the floor.
Girl, clean up
the table.
Good job, baby.
NARRATOR:
As kids, we only had one job:
go to school
and get decent grades.
KIDS:
Bye, Mommy. Love you.
Have a good day.
Don't come home stupid.
KIDS:
We won't.
NARRATOR:
I could usually
get a good grade
just by talking
about Dr. Martin Luther King.
Free at last, free at last.
Thank God Almighty,
we are free at last.
NARRATOR:
In English class...
My book report is on
Dr. Martin Luther King.
NARRATOR:
In history...
My history report is on
the Birmingham Bus Boycott
led by Dr. Martin Luther King.
The only place
Martin Luther King didn't work
was in math.
Chris, what's
the square root of 144?
[***]
1963? The same year that
Dr. Martin Luther King
led the March on Washington?
No, it's 12.
[BELL RINGS]
All right, class.
Pick up your report cards
on the way out
and bring them back
signed tomorrow.
Oh, no.
What?
I got an F.
Aw, man. That's rough.
What's your mom
gonna say?
I don't know, but it ain't
gonna be "Free at last."
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now
[***]
Look at my babies!
Drew, you got a B-plus in gym.
Good job! You can have
whatever you want for dinner.
Really? Thanks, Mom.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, can I have pork chops
and spaghetti?
You sure can.
Yes!
Well, Mom, I got
a B in science.
What do I get?
You can have whatever
dessert you want.
Uh, ice cream and cake?
Ice cream and cake it is.
Good job, baby.
Ooh, boy, don't
you see me cooking?
Sorry.
Where's your report card?
They didn't hand them out yet.
NARRATOR:
I couldn't bring myself
to tell my mother I got an F.
Next to dealing drugs,
getting bad grades
was the worst thing
you could do.
It was worse than this...
Tonya, what happened?
Mama, I had to smoke that fool.
Oh, not him. I'm talking about
this D you got in algebra.
NARRATOR:
And worse than this...
Drew!
Where is that boy?
What the hell is wrong
with you?
I'm following my dream, Mama.
I'm gonna be a country
and western singer.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about this F.
Now, take your Johnny Cashless
ass upstairs and study.
You think I'm
playing with you?
Where'd you get
that guitar?
You better not be selling
drugs in my house.
NARRATOR:
I didn't know what to do,
but I couldn't give her
that report card.
Let me know
when you get it.
Yes, ma'am.
[***]
Need any help cooking?
Sure. Thank you, baby.
NARRATOR:
I figured if I showed her
how useful I could be,
she wouldn't kill me
when she found out.
While I was trying to figure
out what to do about my F,
my father was home sick,
trying to figure out
how he got the gout.
Oh, baby...
when did you get the gout?
I don't know.
It just happened.
NARRATOR:
I know you're probably
wondering, what is the gout?
Well gout, or the gout
as some people like to call it,
is a form of arthritis,
which causes severe swelling
usually in the ankle
or the big toe.
It's caused by a poor diet,
including things like...
smothered pork chops.
Needs some salt.
Smothered chicken-fried bacon.
Needs some salt.
And smothered
chicken-fried bananas.
Not bad.
Needs salt.
Are you out
your damn mind?
All right, I'm going
to work the phones
over at the real estate
office today.
Try not to eat any junk.
I'll be home in time
to make dinner.
I can't eat that stuff all day.
You can if you want
to get rid of the gout.
Give me a kiss.
Mmm.
[***]
When are you gonna
turn in your report card?
I was thinking, it's so busy
that if I didn't say anything,
Miss Morello will just
forget about it.
NARRATOR:
It didn't take much to graduate
from my old school.
All you needed was a ride
to the graduation.
Who are you?
I was in Ms. Jenkins' class.
Oh. Here.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
Thank you.
[***]
Chris,
where's your report card?
My mom's been really busy.
I promise I'll have it
by tomorrow.
Make sure you do.
NARRATOR:
Because my father was used to
working all the time,
staying home was tough.
But at least he got to watch
one of his favorite things:
Soap operas.
The Yankees were good,
but not better
than soap operas.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
NARRATOR:
At Corleone,
if you needed something
like a forged report card
or a tardy slip,
there was one guy
that could get it for you,
and his name was Fischer.
GREG: Hey, Fischer.
Who's this?
Chris.
Tell him
I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking
to you. Chris.
He a friend of yours?
Yeah.
Pat him down.
[***]
He's clean.
What does he want?
I need a new--
Hey, hey.
Tell him
I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking to you.
He needs a new
report card.
He got an F, but he doesn't want
to show it to his mother.
Okay, I got it.
It's a two-part job.
He needs a report card with an A
for his mother to sign,
and a report card with an F with
his mother's signature on it.
So you'll do it?
I'm not talking to him.
He's not talking to you.
So you'll do it?
Okay, let's say
I do this for him.
What's he gonna do for me?
What do you want?
How about a book report
for English?
[***]
Hey, what the hell's
the matter with you?
Don't you see me
talking to you?
Don't you see him
talking to you?
Can it be on
Martin Luther King?
Deal.
Meet me in the science lab
storage room at 3.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Hey, look over there.
[SLURPING]
[***]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey, Julius.
Uh...Rochelle's not here.
No, no, no.
Rochelle told me
to check on you.
And I brought you this.
What, a salad?
Yeah, I gotta get back.The
Young and the Restlessis on.
[***]
NARRATOR:
I've never had a forged
report card before,
but Greg told me
Fischer was the best.
NARRATOR:
One time he made
such a good fake,
they arrested the guy
who made the original.
Hey, Ma,
I got my report card.
Oh. Let me see.
NARRATOR:I was scared.
Felt like I was giving
a fake diamond to Lil' Kim.
An A in math?
Chris, this is so great.
You got an A in math?
That's right.
So what?
What's three times three?
Nine.
What's four times five?
Twenty.
What's eleven times eleven?
Shut up.
[JULIUS LAUGHING]
Can you sign this?
Oh, he does?
Julius!
Oh, hey, you know,
I gotta go.
All right,
I'll talk to you later.
Oh, man!
Who was that?
Oh, that was Monica.
She was
the hairdresser's friend.
She just wanted to know
what happened.
[GRUNTS]
Well, you two were on the phone
an awfully long time.
Did you know that your son
got an A in math?
My man!
That must be why his teacher
called this afternoon.
Yeah, she wants you to come down
to school on Wednesday
and talk about Chris's grade.
ANNOUNCER:
Will Rochelle find out
about Chris' actual grade?
How long will Chris be able
to keep up this lie?
Will Julius ever
get rid of the gout?
Will Tonya ask Chris
more math questions?
Will Drew get any lines?
Find out this and more, when
Everybody Hates Chrisreturns.
* Everybody hates Chris
NARRATOR:
Once I got my mother's
signature on my report card,
Fischer had what he needed
to complete my plan.
What? I'm a natural.
Now beat it.
NARRATOR:
Since I had the cards in place,
all I had to do
was keep my mother
and Mrs. Morello
from seeing each other
and I would be home free.
Chris, do you have
your signed report card?
[***]
Sure do.
My mother says she won't be able
to come to the school tomorrow.
My father has the gout.
Did you say "the gout"?
Yes. The gout.
I'm concerned about
your grade, Chris.
Well, my mom is too.
She told me I better get a C
on my next report card.
And then she...
Well, let's just say it's
kind of hard to sit down.
[GASPS]
[WINCES, GROANS]
So I guess she's young
and he's restless.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Okay, wait, wait.
We're gonna come back
tomorrow for the update.
Wait, so does Victor's ex-wife
know about him and Nicky?
Ooh, you know what?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Hey, babe.
How you doing?
What's going on here?
Why didn't you tell us
Julius likes
The Young and the Restless?
I didn't know.
[WOMEN CHUCKLING]
This is Pam. You remember Pam.
How you doing?
Good. How are you?
How long y'all been here?
Oh, about three, four hours.
We're catching up on the soaps.
This is my girl Monica.
That's Rochelle.
Nice to meet you, Monica.
Why do you look
so familiar to me?
You tried to sell me
food stamps
down by the subway that day.
I thought you said
you weren't selling
food stamps.
You were selling food stamps?
I wasn't selling no food stamps.
[PHONE RINGING]
Julius, go get the phone.
You hear
the phone ringing.
It rang, like,
three times already.
Thank you, baby.
[WOMEN CHUCKLE]
Girl, that gout
is making him lose his mind.
[ALL LAUGH]
Does gout mess with
your hearing?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hello?
Hey, Mrs. Morello.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on.
Honey, it's for you.
Where'd they go?
They left, gout boy.
[***]
ROCHELLE:
Hi. How are you?
What? An F?
What happened?
The teacher just told me
that Chris got an F.
But he said he got an A.
I can't believe that boy
looked me dead in the eye
and lied to me.
How you wanna handle this?
NARRATOR:
Translation:
do you want to kill him,
or should I?
Hmm...
Oh, I know what to do.
TONYA: Whoa, pancakes?
Pancakes?
Hey, Mom,
we're having pancakes?
No, Chris
is having pancakes.
That's my baby's reward
for getting an A.
TONYA:
Can I have
some pancakes?
Did you get an A?
I got a B.
That's not an A.
Can I have some pancakes?
My foot's getting better. I
might make it to work tomorrow.
Pancakes are
for people who get A's,
not for people
who get the gout.
Baby, you want
anything else?
My A student deserves
nothing but the best.
No. No. Oh, by the way,
my teacher says
she won't
be able to see you today.
That's okay, baby.
I'll talk to her next time.
You want some butter?
My foot's looking better,
don't you think?
Why are you talking
about your foot?
Your son has no conscience.
In there eating pancakes
like he actually got an A.
If you didn't want him
to have the pancakes,
what'd you give them
to him for?
For him to feel guilty
and confess.
But that's okay.
Tomorrow I got
something for him.
Baby, let's talk
about this. Come on.
Oh, so now
you want to talk to me?
Why don't you just
talk to your friends,
since you talk to them
all the time?
Rochelle,
those are your friends.
We were just talking
about the soaps.
Are you jealous?
Hell, yeah. Damn skippy.
How would you feel
if you came home
and I was sitting there
talking to
your friends
about football?
You like football?
No, I don't like football.
Julius, you always want
to talk to me
about bills or the kids.
I just think it would be nice
to talk about
something else for a change.
You want to talk
about the gout?
No! I don't want
to talk about the gout!
[***]
So it worked?
Yep. I told my mother
that Miss Morello was busy,
and I told Miss Morello
that my mother was busy.
That was that,
and I'm just glad it's over.
NARRATOR:
They say when
you're about to die
your life flashes
right before your eyes.
Well, here's
what mine looked like...
[***]
Dude, you're
definitely not in there.
Bye, Chris.
Don't tell any lies
when you get to heaven.
Hey, Chris, can I have
your comic books?
That's a $2 pair of underwear
you're messing up.
Rest in peace, Toby.
Chris.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just here to watch my
brilliant, mathematician son
in action.
Miss Morello said
it would be okay.
[***]
NARRATOR:
If I could just be cool, maybe
everything will be all right.
Today we're doing fractions.
What does three-twelfths
plus three-fourths equal?
Ooh! Ooh!
Me! Pick me.
Rochelle.
Chris has an answer.
He got an A.
That's right.
He did get an A.
NARRATOR:
If I could drive,
I'd do this...
I don't know the answer.
ROCHELLE:
No?
Well, how is that possible?
You're the math wiz.
The human calculator.
You got an A.
I actually got an F.
NARRATOR:
This must be how Marion Barry
felt when that tape got out.
Miss Morello,
thank you
for your time.
Come on, Chris.
See you later, Stymie.
Ma, I can explain.
Okay.
Go ahead.
For real?
Yeah. Explain this.
Okay.
I was afraid you'd get
mad at me for getting an F.
I thought I could
do better next semester,
so I changed my grade,
forged your signature
onto the report card
and gave it to Miss Morello.
I thought
you wouldn't find out.
[MOCKINGLY]
"I thought you
wouldn't find out."
[NORMALLY]
Boy, what do I look like,
Boo-Boo the Fool?
You're running around here
lying, forging my signature.
Have you lost your mind?
Look, Chris,
if you lie
you steal,
if you steal, you kill,
and I am not getting
your behind out of jail.
Chris...
if you would have put
this much effort
into passing the class
in the first place,
you wouldn't
be in this mess.
I am very upset
that you failed that class,
but I'm more upset
that you lied to me.
You are not
stupid, Chris.
Don't act like it.
I bought you in this world,
I'll take you right out.
Do you understand me?
Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Now bring your behind home.
NARRATOR:
My mother had a funny way
of making me feel like the
smartest idiot in the world.
Wait, that's it?
No, you better bring
that grade up,
or I'm gonna slap
the wax out your ears.
NARRATOR:
After I got caught,
my parents finally had
something to talk about.
What happened
with Chris today?
Oh, I got it all handled.
How's your foot?
It's all right.
Got a surprise for you.
I watched
your soap today.
Really?
Yeah, but if you don't
feel like talking...
No, no, no, no.
We can talk about it.
Oh.
Did you know that
Nicky was a stripper?
A stripper?
Mm-hmm.
Does Victor know?
He does now.
[CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR:
Things always
worked out best in my house
when everybody did their job.
And after
being more embarrassed
than I'd ever been in my life,
all I had to do
was one more thing.
Mom, I got my report card.
A D!
My baby got a D.
And you're happy about that?
I'm just happy I don't have
to smack the chap off your lips.
* Everybody hates Chris
NARRATOR:
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.
[***]
* Aw, make it funky now