Episodes (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 7 - Episode Seven - full transcript
Merc asks Beverly and Sean to gently remind Matt that he is overweight. He takes the news badly but during a filming session the bulge in his trouser pocket turns out to be caused by loose sweets he is hoarding. Later he notes that a computer image has been posted,terming him Matt LeBlob and he rings Labia for comfort. She is happy to come round. Beverly goes to dinner with Rob but she is nervous and they are interrupted. Nonetheless he asks to see her again.
(WIND W?IS?LING)
(WIND ?OWLING)
(?YPEWRI?ER CLACKING)
(GUNS?O?)
So we just wanted to check in, get your
take on how you think the show's going.
Oh, phew. We were afraid
you were cancelling us.
Oh. (LAUG?S) God, no.
We'd never cancel you in person.
?hat's good to know.
So how do you think it's going?
Oh, come on,
you don't really care what we think.
You're just asking
so we can get to what you think.
She's feisty today.
- ?oday?
- (BO?? LAUG?ING)
So, uh, how do you think it's going?
?errific. I think it's going terrific.
?he scripts are strong.
?he Boys are scoring great.
So why do I feel
like there's a big "but" coming?
A big butt. Actually...
Sorry?
It's just... We're feeling like
maybe Matt isn't quite as,
uh, slender as he used to be.
Slender? ?e's a chunk.
Stop.
It just seems like
in the last few episodes,
he's maybe looking a little...
I'm gonna stick with "chunk".
You know what we're saying.
Uh, he may have put on a pound or two.
?as he?
- Sean doesn't notice these things.
- I don't.
It may just be this is Matt's way of
dealing with his part getting cut down.
Given that he's in the show less,
does it even really matter?
Well, clearly, yeah,
'cause it's giving him
more time to eat.
So? Who cares?
We did this show
in the UK with a much, much bigger man.
It certainly works.
Look, I have no problem with fat.
- Fat people are funny.
- John Candy.
- Chris Farley.
- ?hat fat guy in Laurel and Hardy.
Yeah. (C?UCKLES)
It's just that
all those people started off fat.
Yeah. You can't
start out sexy and then get fat.
Not on ?V.
With your ratings being where they are,
it's the last thing we need.
Yeah, we need hot Matt. Not fat Matt.
Mmm. It smells amazing.
Who knew you could do this?
(SCOFFS) I've been cooking
since I was, like, five.
My mom worked,
so I was kind of the chef of the house.
You really are a man of many talents.
All right, open your mouth.
Oh, we're going to play
that game, are we?
(C?UCKLES) C'mon, open.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
?his is, like, Italy good.
(OVEN DINGS)
- And that would be?
- My focaccia.
- Oh, come on.
- It's easy.
Unbelievable.
?ow could your wife leave you?
I cheated on her.
Ah.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Speaking of...
?ey.
?ey. Guess who dropped by
the boys' school this afternoon.
Uh, can we do this later?
No, come on. Guess.
I give up. Who?
?ow about your fucking stalker!
- Oh, shit.
- Uh-huh! ?hat's right!
Your little nut bundle
showed up at the boys' school
'cause she thought
you were picking 'em up today.
She's really got to get
her schedule straight!
Go, you idiot!
So what happened?
I called the police is what happened.
You better do something about her.
What do you want me to do?
I got a restraining order.
So restrain her!
'Cause if that fucking lunatic comes
near my kids again, I swear to God...
All right, okay,
I'll call my security guy.
Yeah, 'cause he's doing
such a good job so far.
It's green, asshole!
(CAR ?ONKING)
- ?ey, there.
- Well, look who's back.
- Just driving E.?. To work.
- Shut up.
Morning.
She's afraid some paparazzi will get
a picture of her with her...
So she lies down in the back.
I like to pretend I'm kidnapping her.
- You are a good brother.
- It's on my way to work,
so it's not that big a deal.
- And where is work?
- Right now, Beverly ?ills.
- Oh.
- I paint houses.
- Really?
- Yup, really.
It's just someone not in show business,
I don't think my brain
can process that.
Yeah, there's not a lot of us.
It's basically me,
two gardeners and a plumber.
Although the plumber is
working on a screenplay, so...
- (C?UCKLING)
- Oh, there you are.
Oh. Uh, Sean,
this is Morning's brother, Rob.
Oh, hello.
I didn't know Morning had a brother.
Oh, she kind of keeps me under wraps.
You know, since I'm
ageing in human years.
Right. I like your truck.
- ?hanks.
- I drove a truck one summer.
- Loved it.
- You mean that ice cream truck?
Still a truck.
- With popsicles.
- Still a truck.
- Yeah.
- Anyway,
whenever you're ready,
Matt's in his dressing room.
We should get this over with.
Oh, God...
Well, wouldn't want
to keep you from whatever "oh, God" is.
You do not want to know.
?here's always painting houses.
- Sounding better by the minute.
- ?ave fun.
- ?e seems nice.
- Mmm-hmm.
I like his truck.
Please understand what we're about
to tell you is not coming from us.
Especially me.
- From either of us.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- ?his is the network talking.
We are merely the messengers here.
Yeah, don't shoot the messengers.
All right, you guys
are freaking me out. What?
?he network feels...
?hey feel... You may have...
Put on a little bit of weight.
Are you fucking kidding me?
We are fucking not.
(SIG?S)
Wow.
Okay, first of all,
I haven't gained one pound
since I started this show.
?hank you. ?hey're all going on about,
"?e's gained so much weight,"
and, "?e's such a chunk," and I'm like,
"I'm sorry, I just don't see it!"
So when he says,
"Everyone's going on about this,"
does that include you?
I was not the one who said "chunk".
I... may have said
you gained a little...
- Which I haven't.
- Obviously.
- I stand corrected.
- But you think I look like I have.
I think you're
an enormously attractive man.
See, and I'm just
hearing the word "enormous".
I'm not the one
who sees the problem here!
I think you look great.
?ello, who's the only one
in this room who's slept with you?
Right, like we all weren't thinking it.
- I wasn't.
- Who would think that?
Why would I even...
What's that got to do with it?
Oh...
- So then who called me a chunk?
- Wasn't me.
Yes, we all know it wasn't you.
Was it that prick Merc?
It was that prick Merc.
If anything, I'd say you'd lost weight.
- I didn't know you smoke.
- Not since the '70s.
But ever since I went Smurf-face,
it's been like,
"Who gives a shit. Whatever".
?ow about you?
No. I gave up.
- Good for you.
- Can I have one?
Sure.
So, my brother asked about you again.
?e called you "fetching".
Like a dog with a stick?
Like he really likes you.
?mm.
(SIG?S) ?hat's very nice.
Come on. ?e's a great guy.
Let him take you to dinner.
Well, it does appear to be my day
for doing things I said I wouldn't do.
Yay! ?hat's great.
I'll have him call you.
?his is nice. We should hang out more.
Mmm...
- You fellated my husband.
- I what?
Oh. Yeah, okay.
MA??: It's such bullshit.
Believe me, I am with you 100%.
Yeah, I get that.
I'm embarrassed for them, frankly.
I mean, who are they to judge you?
What?
Nothing.
Eat it. ?ave it. Looks nice.
Why wouldn't you...
It's a doughnut.
Just... ?ave two!
Just a doughnut. ?ave it.
What? You deserve it. You...
Fat fuck.
Is that jam in your ear?
Oh, might be. Might very well be.
ASSIS?AN? DIRECTOR: Picture up!
Am I crazy, or are we
seeing the shadow of his, um...
What?
?is, um, crotchal area.
I don't think that's what...
Oh, yes it is.
Are you guys seeing it, too?
I didn't at first.
Now I can't look away.
It's like trying
not to look at an eclipse.
But that can't be his...
Right? I mean, it's just too...
Um, it's not beyond
the realm of possibility.
Okay, Matt.
It would be all right
if he just moves it to the other side.
And who's going to tell him that?
Don't look at me.
?e'll probably throw it at me.
No, no, no.
I've had too many
hideous tasks for one day.
You're the director. Direct... it.
?ere goes.
DIRECTOR: ?ey.
- Could I just...
- Sure.
- What's up?
- ?ey, um...
I was just noticing on the monitor.
Your pants.
(INAUDIBLE)
Where are you?
I'm here.
?mm, not really. What's wrong?
Nothing.
For a good actor,
you're a terrible liar.
You think I'm a good actor?
(LAUG?S) Did you even hear
the rest of that sentence?
Yeah. For a good actor...
- Something.
- (C?UCKLES)
Come on.
It's your fucking husband.
What?
?e... ?e thinks I'm fat.
You're kidding.
- Nope, he said I'm a chunk.
- ?hat's insane.
?alk about
a really big pot calling the kettle...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a kettle?
No! You're so not a kettle.
Don't do that.
You look amazing.
Uh, I don't know how to tell you this,
- but...
- Yeah, yeah. I have hands.
I can feel.
You feel like you look amazing.
- Yeah?
- Mmm.
Do not listen to him.
You're perfect just the way you are.
(KISSING)
Wow.
What?
Because I kissed your belly?
- Oh, so it's a belly?
- Oh, my God...
You know who has a belly?
Santa has a belly.
Stop it. You are not fat.
- I'm sure that's what Mrs Claus says.
- Don't do this.
- What?
- Lf I wanted to fight,
I could've stayed home with my husband.
Who's fighting?
Fine. But if you want me to go,
my driver's right outside.
No.
No.
Let's just talk about something else.
Or we don't have to talk.
Mmm.
?hey had a whole fucking meeting
about it at the network.
?hey have fucking meetings
about everything.
?hey have fucking meetings
about fucking meetings.
You've got to stop this.
You're gorgeous. End of story.
Okay, I got to go back to you're really
not the best person to judge.
All right, let's say you are a chunk.
Let's say you're a big, fat chunk.
So what?
So what?
Do you think if I could see
I wouldn't still be here?
No, you're right. You married the pot.
And you weren't even blind yet.
You know what?
I don't like you like this.
Like what, fat?
Call me when you're ready
to be a person.
Will do!
As soon as I can get my fat fingers
to push the buttons on the phone!
?o, ho, ho!
(P?ONE VIBRA?ING)
- ?ello?
- Why did I agree to do this?
?i, honey.
A date? A date?
I haven't been on a date in 10 years!
And even then, I was shit at it.
You'll be fine.
You wouldn't say that
if you'd ever dated me.
I'm serious. I am awful at it.
?he minute it's a "date,"
I become this whole other person.
I feel judged. I judge myself.
I sweat. A normal sentence
becomes a clusterfuck of words...
All right, relax.
It's just a date.
They're going to give you alcohol.
They're going to give you food.
In two hours, you're done.
It's like a flight to Omaha.
Only when it's over,
you're not in Omaha.
I wish I was in Omaha.
Stop freaking yourself out.
Okay? It's not like
you have to sleep with him.
I wasn't even thinking
about sleeping with him.
You serious?
?hen why are you putting
yourself through this?
So, you look really nice.
Oh, I don't but thank you.
Yes, you do.
And you're welcome.
Oh, well, it's new.
In the shop it looked black.
?urns out it's swamp.
(BO?? C?UCKLE)
Oh, olives.
Oh, too spicy?
Sorry, I should have warned you.
No. (CLEARS ??ROA?) ?hey're delicious.
You okay?
I'm great. ?his is fun.
So, house painting.
I'll bet you've got some stories.
- You can spit it out.
- Mmm-mmm.
Why don't we move those?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Bev?
(W?ISPERS) Oh, Christ.
?ow small is this world?
Much too small.
Andrew, Rob, Rob, Andrew.
- ?ey.
- Andrew was our PA.
Now he's a big-time screenwriter.
- Oh.
- And director.
Yes. Right.
Olive?
?hat's very kind.
But no, I don't want to fill up.
Big dinner here.
So where's Sean?
Uh, I don't know, actually.
What?
No!
Oh, no, oh, God, you're kidding me.
No, no way.
I'm so sorry.
It's all really fine.
No, it's not, if you two can't make it
what hope is there for the rest of us?
- Anyway...
- Oh, right.
I should get out of here.
?his is getting cold.
Got Keanu waiting in the car.
Nice to see you. Again.
Go, Andrew, go.
No.
(MOBILE RINGING)
SEAN: Hello?
- Are you near your computer?
- Why?
Just go to your computer.
I sent you a link.
Am I going to hate this?
Not as much as Matt.
Oh, Christ.
And plaid? What is he thinking?
Let's just hope he doesn't see this.
?his hummus is wonderful.
It's not too hummusy.
You know how sometimes hummus
can just have too much...
?ummusness?
Yes! But this has got
some other flavour going on.
Mmm. Bay-sil.
?m! "Bay-sil"?
(C?UCKLES)
Bay-sil, basil. ?omay-to, tomato.
Aluminum, aluminium.
Language is funny!
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh, God. Sorry. I'll shut it off.
?he phone, I mean. Me, I can't seem to.
SEAN: Hello?
- Not what I meant to do...
- No, it's fine.
- Let me take you off speaker.
- Okay?
Wait, I'm trying...
Never mind. Just go to your computer.
Um, actually, I'm not home.
- Where are you?
- At a restaurant.
Oh, is Carol there?
Carol, you're gonna love this.
No. I'm not with Carol.
Can we speak later?
Who are you with?
(?ESI?A?ING)
I, uh... I'm actually on a...
date.
(CLEARS ??ROA?)
?ello?
Right.
We can discuss this tomorrow.
No need. All good. Push on.
?ave fun.
(INAUDIBLE)
(MA?? CON?INUES INDIS?INCTLY ON ?V)
I was on my bike one time...
I'd say 90, 95.
Going down the 14, middle of the night.
That was pretty fun.
A little dangerous
but it was definitely exciting.
(INAUDIBLE)
(SIG?S)
(BEEPS)
?ey. It's me.
Call me when you get this.
I'm sorry I've been such a prick.
I really need to see you.
(BEEPS)
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
I assume that was your ex?
Not even ex. We're, um...
(CLEARS ??ROA?)
Estranged.
And that was definitely
the estrangest part of this so far.
- Not really.
- I mean, keep in mind,
he's been the one all along
who's been saying,
"We're done, it's over, move on".
So what did he expect?
?hat I'd sit in my cave and pine,
which, by the way,
I have done my share of.
Not in an actual cave, of course, but,
at a certain point one has to...
What?
I've just had a small epiphany.
Okay.
In the grand scope of human existence,
I believe I may just be
the worst date ever.
Mmm...
Even with the caveat
that this is my first one of these
in over a decade, still, I'm a person
who lives in the world. I get it.
If you want to leave right now,
- you would so be within your rights.
- Stop.
I'm serious. I'll just glance
over here at the olives,
- and you can slip away.
- You're not stopping.
Sorry.
I'm really your first date in 10 years?
Yup. ?hat's right.
You won that golden ticket.
Okay. ?ere's what we're going to do.
?onight? Never happened.
Oh, it happened.
No, no. You are
getting a total do-over.
?omorrow night,
we're gonna try this again.
- You don't have to do that.
- I know.
You're incredibly kind.
No. It's an educated bet.
I'm thinking you might be worth it.
Oh. I'm probably not, but...
?hank you.
Is your arm in the hummus?
It is, yes.
(DOORBELL)
I came as soon as I got your message.
- I love you so much.
- I know.
Okay.
(SIG?S)
(WIND ?OWLING)
(?YPEWRI?ER CLACKING)
(GUNS?O?)
So we just wanted to check in, get your
take on how you think the show's going.
Oh, phew. We were afraid
you were cancelling us.
Oh. (LAUG?S) God, no.
We'd never cancel you in person.
?hat's good to know.
So how do you think it's going?
Oh, come on,
you don't really care what we think.
You're just asking
so we can get to what you think.
She's feisty today.
- ?oday?
- (BO?? LAUG?ING)
So, uh, how do you think it's going?
?errific. I think it's going terrific.
?he scripts are strong.
?he Boys are scoring great.
So why do I feel
like there's a big "but" coming?
A big butt. Actually...
Sorry?
It's just... We're feeling like
maybe Matt isn't quite as,
uh, slender as he used to be.
Slender? ?e's a chunk.
Stop.
It just seems like
in the last few episodes,
he's maybe looking a little...
I'm gonna stick with "chunk".
You know what we're saying.
Uh, he may have put on a pound or two.
?as he?
- Sean doesn't notice these things.
- I don't.
It may just be this is Matt's way of
dealing with his part getting cut down.
Given that he's in the show less,
does it even really matter?
Well, clearly, yeah,
'cause it's giving him
more time to eat.
So? Who cares?
We did this show
in the UK with a much, much bigger man.
It certainly works.
Look, I have no problem with fat.
- Fat people are funny.
- John Candy.
- Chris Farley.
- ?hat fat guy in Laurel and Hardy.
Yeah. (C?UCKLES)
It's just that
all those people started off fat.
Yeah. You can't
start out sexy and then get fat.
Not on ?V.
With your ratings being where they are,
it's the last thing we need.
Yeah, we need hot Matt. Not fat Matt.
Mmm. It smells amazing.
Who knew you could do this?
(SCOFFS) I've been cooking
since I was, like, five.
My mom worked,
so I was kind of the chef of the house.
You really are a man of many talents.
All right, open your mouth.
Oh, we're going to play
that game, are we?
(C?UCKLES) C'mon, open.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
?his is, like, Italy good.
(OVEN DINGS)
- And that would be?
- My focaccia.
- Oh, come on.
- It's easy.
Unbelievable.
?ow could your wife leave you?
I cheated on her.
Ah.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Speaking of...
?ey.
?ey. Guess who dropped by
the boys' school this afternoon.
Uh, can we do this later?
No, come on. Guess.
I give up. Who?
?ow about your fucking stalker!
- Oh, shit.
- Uh-huh! ?hat's right!
Your little nut bundle
showed up at the boys' school
'cause she thought
you were picking 'em up today.
She's really got to get
her schedule straight!
Go, you idiot!
So what happened?
I called the police is what happened.
You better do something about her.
What do you want me to do?
I got a restraining order.
So restrain her!
'Cause if that fucking lunatic comes
near my kids again, I swear to God...
All right, okay,
I'll call my security guy.
Yeah, 'cause he's doing
such a good job so far.
It's green, asshole!
(CAR ?ONKING)
- ?ey, there.
- Well, look who's back.
- Just driving E.?. To work.
- Shut up.
Morning.
She's afraid some paparazzi will get
a picture of her with her...
So she lies down in the back.
I like to pretend I'm kidnapping her.
- You are a good brother.
- It's on my way to work,
so it's not that big a deal.
- And where is work?
- Right now, Beverly ?ills.
- Oh.
- I paint houses.
- Really?
- Yup, really.
It's just someone not in show business,
I don't think my brain
can process that.
Yeah, there's not a lot of us.
It's basically me,
two gardeners and a plumber.
Although the plumber is
working on a screenplay, so...
- (C?UCKLING)
- Oh, there you are.
Oh. Uh, Sean,
this is Morning's brother, Rob.
Oh, hello.
I didn't know Morning had a brother.
Oh, she kind of keeps me under wraps.
You know, since I'm
ageing in human years.
Right. I like your truck.
- ?hanks.
- I drove a truck one summer.
- Loved it.
- You mean that ice cream truck?
Still a truck.
- With popsicles.
- Still a truck.
- Yeah.
- Anyway,
whenever you're ready,
Matt's in his dressing room.
We should get this over with.
Oh, God...
Well, wouldn't want
to keep you from whatever "oh, God" is.
You do not want to know.
?here's always painting houses.
- Sounding better by the minute.
- ?ave fun.
- ?e seems nice.
- Mmm-hmm.
I like his truck.
Please understand what we're about
to tell you is not coming from us.
Especially me.
- From either of us.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- ?his is the network talking.
We are merely the messengers here.
Yeah, don't shoot the messengers.
All right, you guys
are freaking me out. What?
?he network feels...
?hey feel... You may have...
Put on a little bit of weight.
Are you fucking kidding me?
We are fucking not.
(SIG?S)
Wow.
Okay, first of all,
I haven't gained one pound
since I started this show.
?hank you. ?hey're all going on about,
"?e's gained so much weight,"
and, "?e's such a chunk," and I'm like,
"I'm sorry, I just don't see it!"
So when he says,
"Everyone's going on about this,"
does that include you?
I was not the one who said "chunk".
I... may have said
you gained a little...
- Which I haven't.
- Obviously.
- I stand corrected.
- But you think I look like I have.
I think you're
an enormously attractive man.
See, and I'm just
hearing the word "enormous".
I'm not the one
who sees the problem here!
I think you look great.
?ello, who's the only one
in this room who's slept with you?
Right, like we all weren't thinking it.
- I wasn't.
- Who would think that?
Why would I even...
What's that got to do with it?
Oh...
- So then who called me a chunk?
- Wasn't me.
Yes, we all know it wasn't you.
Was it that prick Merc?
It was that prick Merc.
If anything, I'd say you'd lost weight.
- I didn't know you smoke.
- Not since the '70s.
But ever since I went Smurf-face,
it's been like,
"Who gives a shit. Whatever".
?ow about you?
No. I gave up.
- Good for you.
- Can I have one?
Sure.
So, my brother asked about you again.
?e called you "fetching".
Like a dog with a stick?
Like he really likes you.
?mm.
(SIG?S) ?hat's very nice.
Come on. ?e's a great guy.
Let him take you to dinner.
Well, it does appear to be my day
for doing things I said I wouldn't do.
Yay! ?hat's great.
I'll have him call you.
?his is nice. We should hang out more.
Mmm...
- You fellated my husband.
- I what?
Oh. Yeah, okay.
MA??: It's such bullshit.
Believe me, I am with you 100%.
Yeah, I get that.
I'm embarrassed for them, frankly.
I mean, who are they to judge you?
What?
Nothing.
Eat it. ?ave it. Looks nice.
Why wouldn't you...
It's a doughnut.
Just... ?ave two!
Just a doughnut. ?ave it.
What? You deserve it. You...
Fat fuck.
Is that jam in your ear?
Oh, might be. Might very well be.
ASSIS?AN? DIRECTOR: Picture up!
Am I crazy, or are we
seeing the shadow of his, um...
What?
?is, um, crotchal area.
I don't think that's what...
Oh, yes it is.
Are you guys seeing it, too?
I didn't at first.
Now I can't look away.
It's like trying
not to look at an eclipse.
But that can't be his...
Right? I mean, it's just too...
Um, it's not beyond
the realm of possibility.
Okay, Matt.
It would be all right
if he just moves it to the other side.
And who's going to tell him that?
Don't look at me.
?e'll probably throw it at me.
No, no, no.
I've had too many
hideous tasks for one day.
You're the director. Direct... it.
?ere goes.
DIRECTOR: ?ey.
- Could I just...
- Sure.
- What's up?
- ?ey, um...
I was just noticing on the monitor.
Your pants.
(INAUDIBLE)
Where are you?
I'm here.
?mm, not really. What's wrong?
Nothing.
For a good actor,
you're a terrible liar.
You think I'm a good actor?
(LAUG?S) Did you even hear
the rest of that sentence?
Yeah. For a good actor...
- Something.
- (C?UCKLES)
Come on.
It's your fucking husband.
What?
?e... ?e thinks I'm fat.
You're kidding.
- Nope, he said I'm a chunk.
- ?hat's insane.
?alk about
a really big pot calling the kettle...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a kettle?
No! You're so not a kettle.
Don't do that.
You look amazing.
Uh, I don't know how to tell you this,
- but...
- Yeah, yeah. I have hands.
I can feel.
You feel like you look amazing.
- Yeah?
- Mmm.
Do not listen to him.
You're perfect just the way you are.
(KISSING)
Wow.
What?
Because I kissed your belly?
- Oh, so it's a belly?
- Oh, my God...
You know who has a belly?
Santa has a belly.
Stop it. You are not fat.
- I'm sure that's what Mrs Claus says.
- Don't do this.
- What?
- Lf I wanted to fight,
I could've stayed home with my husband.
Who's fighting?
Fine. But if you want me to go,
my driver's right outside.
No.
No.
Let's just talk about something else.
Or we don't have to talk.
Mmm.
?hey had a whole fucking meeting
about it at the network.
?hey have fucking meetings
about everything.
?hey have fucking meetings
about fucking meetings.
You've got to stop this.
You're gorgeous. End of story.
Okay, I got to go back to you're really
not the best person to judge.
All right, let's say you are a chunk.
Let's say you're a big, fat chunk.
So what?
So what?
Do you think if I could see
I wouldn't still be here?
No, you're right. You married the pot.
And you weren't even blind yet.
You know what?
I don't like you like this.
Like what, fat?
Call me when you're ready
to be a person.
Will do!
As soon as I can get my fat fingers
to push the buttons on the phone!
?o, ho, ho!
(P?ONE VIBRA?ING)
- ?ello?
- Why did I agree to do this?
?i, honey.
A date? A date?
I haven't been on a date in 10 years!
And even then, I was shit at it.
You'll be fine.
You wouldn't say that
if you'd ever dated me.
I'm serious. I am awful at it.
?he minute it's a "date,"
I become this whole other person.
I feel judged. I judge myself.
I sweat. A normal sentence
becomes a clusterfuck of words...
All right, relax.
It's just a date.
They're going to give you alcohol.
They're going to give you food.
In two hours, you're done.
It's like a flight to Omaha.
Only when it's over,
you're not in Omaha.
I wish I was in Omaha.
Stop freaking yourself out.
Okay? It's not like
you have to sleep with him.
I wasn't even thinking
about sleeping with him.
You serious?
?hen why are you putting
yourself through this?
So, you look really nice.
Oh, I don't but thank you.
Yes, you do.
And you're welcome.
Oh, well, it's new.
In the shop it looked black.
?urns out it's swamp.
(BO?? C?UCKLE)
Oh, olives.
Oh, too spicy?
Sorry, I should have warned you.
No. (CLEARS ??ROA?) ?hey're delicious.
You okay?
I'm great. ?his is fun.
So, house painting.
I'll bet you've got some stories.
- You can spit it out.
- Mmm-mmm.
Why don't we move those?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Bev?
(W?ISPERS) Oh, Christ.
?ow small is this world?
Much too small.
Andrew, Rob, Rob, Andrew.
- ?ey.
- Andrew was our PA.
Now he's a big-time screenwriter.
- Oh.
- And director.
Yes. Right.
Olive?
?hat's very kind.
But no, I don't want to fill up.
Big dinner here.
So where's Sean?
Uh, I don't know, actually.
What?
No!
Oh, no, oh, God, you're kidding me.
No, no way.
I'm so sorry.
It's all really fine.
No, it's not, if you two can't make it
what hope is there for the rest of us?
- Anyway...
- Oh, right.
I should get out of here.
?his is getting cold.
Got Keanu waiting in the car.
Nice to see you. Again.
Go, Andrew, go.
No.
(MOBILE RINGING)
SEAN: Hello?
- Are you near your computer?
- Why?
Just go to your computer.
I sent you a link.
Am I going to hate this?
Not as much as Matt.
Oh, Christ.
And plaid? What is he thinking?
Let's just hope he doesn't see this.
?his hummus is wonderful.
It's not too hummusy.
You know how sometimes hummus
can just have too much...
?ummusness?
Yes! But this has got
some other flavour going on.
Mmm. Bay-sil.
?m! "Bay-sil"?
(C?UCKLES)
Bay-sil, basil. ?omay-to, tomato.
Aluminum, aluminium.
Language is funny!
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh, God. Sorry. I'll shut it off.
?he phone, I mean. Me, I can't seem to.
SEAN: Hello?
- Not what I meant to do...
- No, it's fine.
- Let me take you off speaker.
- Okay?
Wait, I'm trying...
Never mind. Just go to your computer.
Um, actually, I'm not home.
- Where are you?
- At a restaurant.
Oh, is Carol there?
Carol, you're gonna love this.
No. I'm not with Carol.
Can we speak later?
Who are you with?
(?ESI?A?ING)
I, uh... I'm actually on a...
date.
(CLEARS ??ROA?)
?ello?
Right.
We can discuss this tomorrow.
No need. All good. Push on.
?ave fun.
(INAUDIBLE)
(MA?? CON?INUES INDIS?INCTLY ON ?V)
I was on my bike one time...
I'd say 90, 95.
Going down the 14, middle of the night.
That was pretty fun.
A little dangerous
but it was definitely exciting.
(INAUDIBLE)
(SIG?S)
(BEEPS)
?ey. It's me.
Call me when you get this.
I'm sorry I've been such a prick.
I really need to see you.
(BEEPS)
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
I assume that was your ex?
Not even ex. We're, um...
(CLEARS ??ROA?)
Estranged.
And that was definitely
the estrangest part of this so far.
- Not really.
- I mean, keep in mind,
he's been the one all along
who's been saying,
"We're done, it's over, move on".
So what did he expect?
?hat I'd sit in my cave and pine,
which, by the way,
I have done my share of.
Not in an actual cave, of course, but,
at a certain point one has to...
What?
I've just had a small epiphany.
Okay.
In the grand scope of human existence,
I believe I may just be
the worst date ever.
Mmm...
Even with the caveat
that this is my first one of these
in over a decade, still, I'm a person
who lives in the world. I get it.
If you want to leave right now,
- you would so be within your rights.
- Stop.
I'm serious. I'll just glance
over here at the olives,
- and you can slip away.
- You're not stopping.
Sorry.
I'm really your first date in 10 years?
Yup. ?hat's right.
You won that golden ticket.
Okay. ?ere's what we're going to do.
?onight? Never happened.
Oh, it happened.
No, no. You are
getting a total do-over.
?omorrow night,
we're gonna try this again.
- You don't have to do that.
- I know.
You're incredibly kind.
No. It's an educated bet.
I'm thinking you might be worth it.
Oh. I'm probably not, but...
?hank you.
Is your arm in the hummus?
It is, yes.
(DOORBELL)
I came as soon as I got your message.
- I love you so much.
- I know.
Okay.
(SIG?S)