Episodes (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode Six - full transcript

(WIND W?IS?LING)

(WIND ?OWLING)

(?YPEWRI?ER CLACKING)

(GUNS?O?)

(CLEARS ??ROA?)

- ?i.
- Jesus! Fuck!

I was hoping you wouldn't
come home yet.

?he cookies aren't ready.

?ow the hell did you get in here?

?he laundry room window was open.

You know, you should talk to Rosa,
'cause that's not smart.



Okay, the fact that you know
my housekeeper's name

may be the scariest thing
out of a lot of scary things!

- You want milk with your cookies?
- No!

Beer?

Sure.

So is this place a rental?

'Cause it doesn't really feel like you.

- Yeah, it's a rental.
- (WA?ER RUNNING)

- It's closer to the studio.
- ?hat makes sense.

'Cause the commute
to your beach place is nuts.

Whenever I drive out there
to sit in front of your house,

the traffic... Oh, my God.

It's, like, "?his is
almost not worth it".

- Where are your clothes?
- Why?



Why? Because you're standing here
in my house, naked.

I'm not naked.
I like to leave a little mystery.

Yeah, it's like
Agatha Christie down there.

- I could take them off if you want.
- No!

I want you to put
the rest of your shit on and go. Go!

Why are you being so mean?
I'm making you cookies.

I'm not being mean!
I'm tired and I want to go to bed.

Alone!

You are being mean.

I have cancer.

You had cancer.

And you survived and you're healthy
and that's awesome.

And it's why I feel okay saying to you,

"Get the fuck out of my house,
you crazy Looney ?unes freak!"

- (OVEN DINGS)
- Ooh, my cookies.

All right, I'm calling the police.

If you don't want to be here
when they come, you should go now.

Okay.

- I love you so much.
- I know.

- No one will ever love you like I do.
- Mmm-hmm.

I mean it. I would die for you.

Yeah, but you didn't.

So, how are we doing here?

Almost done. It just has to set.

And this is really going to work?

Absolutely. ?hese men are wizards.
?hey can do anything.

It is going to work, right?

Oh! Got me.

Beverly, this is my kid brother Rob.
Feel free to hit him.

Oh! So you're not
one of the special effects wizards?

Oh, no, no, no!
No, I just drove her in.

What do you say we take a look at this
on camera?

(LAUG?ING) Whoa. She is really
feeling those pain pills.

Sorry?

"?id brother?"

She stopped telling people
I was her kid brother 20 years ago.

- You're not really, are you?
- What?

Younger?

Yeah, three years.

?ey, I don't have a team of doctors
working on me full-time.

On the other hand,
both my cheeks are in the right place.

(C?UCKLES)

Well, it's insane.
Why does she do it? She's so beautiful.

Sure. Now.

(BOYS LAUG?ING)

- You see, you just missed.
- Let me go again. Let's go again.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Yo.
- MAN: Hold for Merc Lapidus.

(GRUN?S)

- MERC: Matty!
- Mercky!

(LAUG?ING) So, listen,
you know that Man of the Year thing

you're gonna be giving me?

Do you know what you're gonna say yet?

No, not yet.
I still got a couple weeks, right?

Yeah, yeah.

By the way, if you're doing any jokes,
maybe don't mention the bald thing.

I'm thinking of getting
these microplugs,

I'd rather not shine a light up there,
if you know what I mean.

What are you talking about? You don't
need microplugs. You look great.

Ah, you're sweet.
Listen, there was one other thing.

Sure.

We've started talking about
what we want to promote for sweeps.

And we really want to make a push
for Pucks! So we need something big.

Maybe you could get that kid
to grow his hair a little longer.

I'd watch that.

(LAUG?ING) Funny.
?ere's what I'm thinking.

Any chance you could get one of
the other Friends to do a guest spot?

Yeah. ?ere's what's a little weird.

A couple weeks ago, you're cutting
my part down to nothing.

Now you're calling,
asking me for favours...

Hey! Hey! Hey!
It's all for the good of the show.

?otally get that. But right now,
I'm also thinking about the good of me.

Okay, how about this?
You get me one of the Friends,

and I give you my word, all of
our Pucks! promotion will be about you.

And not about the hair.

- No hair?
- I said no hair.

All right. Let me make a few calls.

(LAUG?S) Great. And hey,

listen, we gotta do lunch again soon.
I miss you, you bastard.

Absolutely. Any time. I'd love it.

- Asshole.
- Douche bag.

SEAN: All right. ?ere's our lovely
Morning Randolph before,

looking a tad blue-ish.

And here, $40,000 later,
is how she's going to look on ?V.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIM IN AWE)

Seriously, you guys, thank you.
You saved my life.

Well, it's all in a day's work,
if you've got a very strange job.

All right. Catastrophe averted.
Why don't we all get back to work?

- Isn't that amazing?
- Yeah.

Rather blase.

Uh... I was in Lost in Space.

We weren't actually "lost in space".

Ah!

I didn't see it.

- Really?
- ?mm.

I've seen all your movies.

- ?ey, can I talk to you for a sec?
- Sure. What's up?

My brother thought you were great.

- And he doesn't like anyone.
- A man after my own heart.

Anyway, he wanted to know
if you're available,

so I said I'd suss it out.
So this is me sussing.

Ooh! Good goodness. Um...

Why don't we suss over here?

Oh. Gotcha.

I think your brother's very nice

but I'm not doing anything till I'm
certain what's happening with, uh...

me and Sean.

Oh, wow. Okay, sure. Absolutely.

No problem.

Aw.

BEVERLY:
I'm getting pity looks from Morning!

Pity looks!

- My life has hit a new low.
- Aw.

- I don't need them from you, too!
- I'm sorry! I just...

Look, I think it's great
you're waiting for Sean.

But I gotta say, at a certain point,

don't you think
it's maybe time to think about...

(CAROL SIG?S)

- Moving on?
- Mmm.

Are we going to have the
"moving on" conversation again?

Which, by the way, coming from you,
is so steeped in irony...

?ey! No need to get mean.
Let's keep it hikey here.

Sorry.

So how is the brother? Is he cute?

Oh, I'd say way past cute.

Like hot?

Not that I noticed, but oh, my God!

Oh! Oh! ?hen maybe one date. One date!

A cup of coffee with a guy
is hardly moving on.

- No! Nope, nope, nope.
- (SIG?ING)

Meanwhile, has Sean been doing
any moving on? (C?UCKLES)

?ell me!

I found out he had a little thing
with Morning.

Shut the front door! (GASPS)

Apparently, it was just one time.

?hat is crazy.

And now she's trying to fix you up
with her brother?

?ow wild would it be
if Sean ended up with Morning

and you ended up with the brother?

Oh! I am so going to make that a show!

- Oh, come on!
- (SCOFFS)

A husband and wife get divorced
and hook up with a brother and sister?

If someone pitched me that,
I'd buy it in the room.

Ooh! Unless you and Sean
want to write it.

I mean it!

I will guarantee you six on the air,
right here on this trail!

Lisa Kudrow! ?ey! It's Matt LeBlanc.

?ello?

Oh, you didn't say anything, so...
?ow are you?

Well, fine is good.
Better than not fine.

So, uh, listen, you know
I've got this little ?V show, right?

Well, I do.

Now, I know you're really, really busy,

but any chance
you might want to do a guest thing?

Apologise? For what?

I said that?

Was I drunk?

No, I'm not saying that
makes it okay but...

Well, if I said that...

Okay, okay, no,
I believe you, I said it.

Well, I am incredibly sorry.

Lisa. Lisa. Lisa!

I don't know what more I can say.
I apologise.

But seriously, a person can't make
an innocent comment one time and...

Jesus, when did I say that?

David. David. David.

I don't know what joke
you're talking about.

?ell me what I said to you.

?ow is that anti-Semitic?

Oh! No, I can see that.

You got to admit, though,
it's still kind of funny.

Mr Perry! ?ow the hell are you?

So, listen, you know
I have this little show, right?

I was wondering...

Who said you're not
the first one I called?

Schwimmer's an asshole!

I never said you were an asshole.

No, I did not!

I did not!

I don't know, he was probably high.

If I said you were high,
I was obviously kidding.

It was a joke.

So you and Schwimmer still talk a lot.

Um, Carol from the network called.

Which one's Carol?

(SIG?S) ?he one you always say,
"Which one's Carol?"

- She's right under Merc.
- Also literally.

Oh, right.

She was asking where you are
on the Friends guest-star thing.

(SIG?S) Jesus. I'm working on it.

All right, well, she just needs to know
so they can get started on promotion.

Right, well, tell Carol
she'll be the first to hear.

?ill then
she can just back the fuck off.

- I may paraphrase.
- Mmm. Mmm.

Is it diminishing at all?

Do you need more teeth?

(CLEARS ??ROA?) Fuck!

Anyway, I need a favour.

I have to present
this stupid award thing to Merc.

Right. We just got the invitation.

We don't have to go to that, do we?

Probably. It's a good cause.

- Which is?
- Some opera bullshit.

- Ah.
- Anyway, I was wondering

if you guys could write me
a little something to say?

Just some crap about Merc
for when I present it.

Uh, I suppose.
It's not really what we do.

Are you kidding me? You guys'll
knock it out in two seconds.

It just needs to be funny.
?hrow in some bald jokes.

Whatever you come up with'll
be great. You guys are amazing.

- When do you need it?
- Sooner the better.

You know, in case I don't like it,
you can take another pass.

?ey, so I hear we're getting one of
the Friends on the show?

- Yep.
- Awesome.

Very cool, man.

I can't believe we're going to be
working with one of the Friends!

?i, it's Matt LeBlanc for Jennifer.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I just tried her cell

and it doesn't seem
to be in service any more.

Can you give me the new number?

I'm sure she'd be fine with it.

She gave me the old one,
why wouldn't she want me to...

Is Alison there?

Oh, when did she leave?

?ave we met?

Well, hello.

Yeah, I can hold.

Oh, shall we get some dinner in?

Nah, we can blow through this.

Okay.

So, they introduce Matt,
he comes up on stage.

Applause, applause, applause...

- Right.
- ?hen how about something like,

"When I was first asked to present
this award to our Man of the Year,

"I thought..."

What? You thought what?

- ?hat's all I've got.
- Ah.

Uh, he should probably start off
with something funny.

- Definitely.
- Mmm-hmm.

What are you thinking?

- Pizza or ?hai?
- ?hai.

?mm.

Matt comes out.
Applause, applause, applause...

You know, you don't have to say

"applause, applause, applause"
each time.

Okay. Clap, clap, clap.

Maybe Matt goes, "What can I say
about my good friend Merc Lapidus?"

- What can he say?
- I don't know, he's not our good friend.

- (C?UCKLING) No.
- (SIG?S)

All right, what do we know about him?

- Well, he's lied to us repeatedly.
- Yeah.

- ?e destroyed our ?V show.
- Absolutely.

- ?e's cheating on his wife.
- Yeah.

Ooh, he's only got one testicle.

- Does he?
- Carol told me.

MA??: Look, Courteney, I understand.

If you can't do it, you can't do it.
Don't worry about it.

But while I got you,
can you give me Jen's number?

Why wouldn't she want to talk to me?

It was funny! People laughed.

I so did not pee on her Emmy.

Because I would never do that.

Yeah, I pulled it out,
but I never peed.

Never.

Never!

Well, if I dribbled, I'm sorry.
But come on, it was 10 years ago.

You really won't give me her number?

Seriously?

You really won't?

Fuck you.

No, I did not just say "fuck you".

SEAN: All right, how's this?

"Being a network president
requires many things.

"You need passion. You need perception.

"But apparently,
you don't need hair".

(LAUG?ING)

?hat's good. I like it. Let's do it.

Are you saying that
just so we can get out of here?

- I want to go home!
- You think I don't?

We don't know how to write this shit.
It's not what we do.

- I know that!
- Don't yell at me!

- Why did we agree to do this?
- Why do we agree to do anything?

I hate us! I hate Matt! I hate Merc!

(SIG?S) Why are we doing this
without alcohol?

What makes you think
he has a bottle here?

Oh, believe me, Jerry drinks.

- You know this for a fact?
- Sometimes he's drunk in the room.

One of our writers
is drunk in our writers' room?

- You've never noticed?
- No.

- And you're okay with this?
- It's the only time he's funny.

- (GASPS) Bloody bastard!
- What?

- ?e stole my pen.
- No.

- ?his is my pen.
- Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.
I've been looking for it.

?his really pisses me off.

But you're okay with him
being an alcoholic?

We need the jokes.

It's nice. Is it new?

Uh...

"Y.C.O.M.?."

- Oh, it says that?
- ?mm.

?a! Guess it's not mine. Sorry, Jerry!

- ?ello!
- ?here we go.

- ?his is expensive.
- You're thinking we shouldn't take it?

I'm thinking, if I'd known he had this,

I would have been in here
a long time ago.

(CLEARS ??ROA?)

- ?ow's your mother?
- Wow.

?hat wasn't random at all.

I was just remembering

when we were trying to write that song
for their anniversary,

- how hard it was.
- Oh, God, right.

And we sang it at the party

and she kept looking at me
with those "fuck you" eyes.

- Oh! She hated me.
- No.

Well...

She always blamed me
for splitting up you and Emmeline.

BO??: (IN SING-SONG) Emmeline!

- You did split us up.
- What?

For which I'm eternally grateful.

She must be loving
what's happened to us now.

(CLICKS ?ONGUE) She probably would

if I'd told her.

What?

As far as she knows,
we're still together.

You did not!

I wasn't about to give her
the satisfaction.

(BEVERLY LAUG?S)

Doesn't she wonder where I am?

No, of course she doesn't.
?hat would mean I'd have to exist.

BO??: (IN SING-SONG) Emmeline!

So...

- You and Morning...
- Always a fun topic.

- Was it everything you'd hoped it'd be?
- I'm not going near that question.

Oh, come on.

I'm imagining it was like driving
some amazing German-built sports car.

You're very aware
of all the engineers and mechanics

who've devoted themselves
to creating this one perfect machine.

?mm. Yeah, that and a vagina,
and you've pretty much got it.

So was it just that once?

Yeah... No!

- No?
- ?wice.

?wice?

And which time would
you say was better?

Why?

I'd like to think it was
going downhill.

Definitely downhill.

Good.

In fact, the second time...

No.

- Go on! ?he second time...
- No...

?he second time was right after
her whole cheek debacle.

No! Oh!

She was convinced
she was going to be fired.

I assured her she wasn't.

She was

- grateful.
- ?his is horrible.

- I resisted.
- So strong.

She was persistent.

(SCOFFS) What could you do?

Eventually, she...

- ?hanked you?
- Yeah.

- Orally?
- Might have been.

What a romantic story!

?hank you.

So how about you?

?ow about me what?

?ave you been...
driving anything lately?

- No!
- Really? No one?

- No.
- All this time?

I've been saving myself for you,
don't you know.

If you don't kiss me soon...

I'm thinking about it.

- Do it.
- Bossy.

- You like it bossy.
- I do.

I've missed you, you fucker.

(BREA??ING ?EAVILY)

I don't know whether
to savour every moment

- or just bash right through...
- I say bash!

(MOANS)

(BO?? GASPING)

What? What's the matter?

I keep seeing you with him.

No.

I thought I could, um...
I thought I could...

But I can't stop picturing you...

You, the two of you, in his bed with...
?im with all of his enormity.

- It's not that big.
- I've seen it!

Unless it's one of those
very special penises

that gets much, much smaller
when it gets erect.

Oh, my God, who cares?
It doesn't matter.

Well, it clearly matters to me.

I'm sorry.

I love you, you know that.
But I can't...

I can't do this any more.

CAROL: Great, you guys.
?hanks again for coming in.

(C?UCKLES)

(DOOR S?U?S)

Yeah, I don't think so.

What? I think it could be fun. Come on.

A show about three little ghosts?

It's a show about dead children.

Well, I wouldn't put
that in the promos.

Oh! Speaking of promos, where are we
with Pucks! and the Friends thing?

- ?hey're shooting it today.
- ?oday?

?eep me in the loop, why don't you?
Which one did we get?

ASSIS?AN? DIRECTOR: On a bell.
MAN: Speeding...

- (BELL RINGING)
- Action!

You actually think
your team can beat us?

Your guys suck so much
you should be called the ?oovers!

Yeah!

Seriously, Lyman?
Is that the best you got?

Yeah. It is. Yeah.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

ASSIS?AN? DIRECTOR: Moving on!

- ?ey, man, thanks for doing this.
- ?ey, thanks for having me.

- Really great to see you again.
- Yeah. You, too, man.

You know, you're like the only one
I don't keep in touch with.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

I still see Schwimmer and
Courteney and I text all the time.

- ?hanks.
- Really?

Jen, too?

Yeah. I housesit for her
when she's in New York.

?uh! ?ey, you don't happen
to have her cell number, do you?

Um...

You know, I gotta say, I feel a little
uncomfortable giving it to you...

Fuck you!