Episodes (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode Five - full transcript

- You're not serious?
- Yeah.

- You believe in Bigfoot?
- Yep.

Bigfoot!

I'm telling you,
there's too much evidence

for it just to be a hoax.

Oh, dear God.
Are we including yeti in this?

No, yeti are bullshit.

Of course.

?here was this
really interesting documentary

about it on the Syfy channel.

Always a good source
for factual information.



?he Syfy Channel's good.

You do know what the "fy" stands for?

Anyway, they had actual footage
that could not be disputed.

Seriously. ?hey had experts

who examined the film
and they all said, without question...

?ello?

Don't turn around.

I said don't turn around!

Why is it the minute you say
"Don't turn around,"

the first thing people do...

Okay, okay, I'm not turning.

Is it Bigfoot?

?here's a girl over there,

who keeps looking at me.



Relax. Is she hot?

Pretty hot, yeah.

Looks familiar. Maybe she's an actress.

I swear to God...

All right, she's not looking.
Quick, turn around.

But be very nonchalant.

What the hell are you doing here?

I said be nonchalant!
?hat's totally chalant!

- ?i.
- 500 feet, Labia! 500 feet!

Yeah, I don't carry a tape measure.

- Maybe you should!
- Oh right, she's your...

From Facebook. You're his... Yes.

?ow did you even know I was here?

- ?ave you been following me again?
- No.

?e posted it on his page.

I may have updated my status.

You said you were gonna un-friend her.

- I don't know how.
- It's so easy.

You just click on Account and
then you click Edit Friends...

No. No, no, no, you're not
going to become his I? person.

- Now just go.
- But I'm still...

?ake it with you!
Eat it for dinner! I don't give a shit.

Just go! Or I'm gonna call the cops
and you know I'll do it.

Okay, I'm going. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- What?
- No. It's just...

we haven't been this close
since we were in court.

Go.

I'll, um, I'll just post
how to un-friend me on your wall.

?hank you.

It's our fifth anniversary,

and there's no acknowledgement.
None. Nothing.

When you say anniversary,

what's it the anniversary of exactly?
I mean,

how'd you figure it?

I go from the night
it actually started.

I was at the People's Choice Awards.

Faith ?ill had just won, like,

favourite hair
or something equally important,

and I just had to get out of there.

So I snuck outside,

luckily, I happened to have
a joint in my bag.

- Put there by the marijuana elves?
- ?ow great would that be?

Anyway,

I light up, and just then,
who walks out.

- Merc.
- Right.

And I'm like, "Oh shit, it's my boss!"

But he's totally cool,

and he goes,
"Can I get a hit off that doobie?"

And I'm like, "Um, yeah,
you can have a hit off that doobie!"

It's like Bogart and Bacall.

Anyway, we get pretty baked.

?hen after the show,
we're both waiting for our cars

and his limo doesn't show up.
So he turns to me and goes,

"Can I come in yours?"

And I just look him
straight in the eye.

I still can't believe
I said it and I go,

"Oh, you can come in mine".

What?

Not exactly "You complete me," but...

It was the best night ever.

But it's been five years
and where the hell are we?

I mean, I know that he loves me.
But so what?

I always come second,
it's always on his terms.

And yes, I know, I know he's married
and she's blind, and blah, blah, blah,

but so what. You know?

When is it gonna be my turn?

I just feel like I'm the only one
making sacrifices here.

It's fine. It's all good.

It's just a...

It's a little steep.

I come from flat.

It doesn't matter.
Nothing's going to change.

?ave you talked to him
about any of this?

?e's not so much with the talking.

And I'm not so much
with the confrontation. So...

Does he even know
it's your anniversary?

Probably not.

God, I'm so pathetic.

Disagree with me!

No, uh... I'm just saying,

you're in this relationship, too, you're
allowed to ask for what you want.

You probably won't get it,
but you're allowed to ask.

Maybe.

You want to keep going?

No.

Morning. ?ow was everyone's weekend?

Fairly uneventful, except...

Oh, that's right,
I met the infamous Labia!

You did not! ?ell me.

Seems perfectly normal.
Sweet, pretty, young.

- ?ech-savvy.
- Oh, yeah,

she's the girl next door.

If you live on Crazy Street!

?ow long has she been stalking you?

Probably, hmm... 15 years.

- Fifteen years?
- Yeah.

I met her when she was like, eight.

She was one of those Make-A-Wish kids.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Friends was her favourite show.

And her one last wish

was she wanted Joey
to take her to Disneyland. So,

I took her to Disneyland.

She was a great kid, very sweet.
But then...

- She didn't die.
- No!

I know.

Well, look, don't get me wrong,
it's a great organisation,

but they really should
check this stuff out.

I mean, come on,
Make-A-Wish, do your homework.

So then?

So then she just kept
living and living.

But she was still totally into me.

Cards and e-mails
and calling all the time.

I was nice about it at first,

but she started showing up places
I was going to be.

I had to get a restraining order.

Fifteen years!

- You never encouraged her at all?
- Never.

Like I said, I was nice...

?ow nice?

I slept with her once.

- Once!
- Oh, God.

In retrospect, probably a bad idea.

But she was 18, and really cute,

once her hair grew back.

I believe you will burn in hell.

Ah, what're you going to do?

- I need to talk to you about something.
- Oh, okay.

Do you know what this weekend is?

Oh, fuck, it's your birthday.

- My birthday is in January.
...anuary.

- Never mind.
- No, Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come here. I'm sorry.

?alk to me. What's this weekend?

Our fifth anniversary.

- People's Choice Awards.
- Yeah.

Five years. Five years.

And I try to be good.
And I try to make it easy for you.

But I just, I just,
I reach a point where I feel invisible.

Seriously, sometimes it's hard to
remember why I'm even in this thing.

Okay. Listen to me.

- What?
- What if I can get away this weekend?

What about Jamie?

I don't know. Let me see what I can do.

- Seriously?
- ?ey, it's our anniversary.

And definitely not your birthday.

You're really gonna try?

I really am.

?hank you.

- Just knowing that is enough.
- Really?

No! It's not enough!

Make it happen.

So in about 85 yards
it dog-legs to the right.

- Any traps?
- Both sides.

So you want to send it
right down the middle.

Nice.

Sorry. One sec.

- ?ello?
- ?ey, babe.

- Bad news.
- What?

I gotta go to New York this weekend.

No! Why?

?he big guns want to see me.

It can't be good.

But we've got tickets for the Ahmanson.

And Sunday's the Lupus Walk.

Aw, shit!

I can't say no to these guys.

No, I know. I just wish
they'd give you a little notice.

- When do you have to go?
- Friday afternoon.

So you're gonna miss the ballet, too.

No!

Of all the weekends.

It's not your fault.

Yo!

Merc has to go to
New York this weekend.

?ow do you feel about
48 hours of dirty stuff?

- You know I love the dirty stuff.
- I do.

Wait, I got the boys this weekend.

No.

Let me call Diane
and see if she can switch.

Oh, God, wouldn't it be great?

?wo whole days, no sneaking around,
no checking our watches.

We could go away!

Out of town dirty stuff.

Yeah.

?here's a foursome coming,
we should let them play through.

- Where are you?
- Playing golf.

No, seriously.

Seriously.

- You play golf?
- Yeah.

?ow do you know where the hole is?

?ey, I never ask you that question.

And the dirty stuff begins.

- Beverly ?ills ?ravel.
- Hold for Merc Lapidus.

- Bethany!
- ?i, sweetie. I was thinking about you.

I love that talking dog show,
it's hysterical.

- It's not ours.
- Oh.

- Stop watching it.
- Already did. What's up?

I need something on short notice.

Uh, how short?

?his weekend. I want Cabo.

I want big, I want view,
I want right on the beach.

Blow me away.
I don't care what it costs.

Okay, let me see what I can do.
Flying out on Friday?

- Right.
- It's my birthday on Friday you know.

Ah, happy birthday.

Rona!

It's Bethany's birthday on Friday.
Send her a fucking something!

The Stage just called.

What did the Stage say?

?hey said that Morning called in sick,
and she's going to be out all week.

?ow does she know in advance
she's going to be sick all week?

You don't suppose this
is because her part's been cut down?

Like what, a silent protest
kind of thing?

It's not impossible.

- Could you get her on the phone for us?
- Who?

Who we were just talking about.

- Which part?
- What?

I wasn't really listening.
Did you want me to listen?

?hat might be helpful.

Okay.

She still doesn't know who to call,
does she?

No.

What do you say to a weekend in Cabo?

Are you kidding?

Oh, my God!

?ow did you do it?

You said make it happen,
I made it happen.

- Oh, I gotta start saying more shit.
- ?appy anniversary.

Aw.

We're going to Cabo.

Cabo, Cabo.

- Hey, there.
- What?

Do you think there's any way you could
take the boys this weekend?

No.

- It's just that...
- No.

- Look, I...
- No.

You're always saying you want to
spend more time with the boys.

Maybe start with the time
you're supposed to be with the boys.

Move, moron!

I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

- Who is she?
- There's no she.

- Bullshit.
- Are they in the car with you?

?hey're watching "SpongeBob Fuck Face".
?hey can't hear.

So what's so important?

You know Morning Randolph?

No.

She's on my show.

- I don't watch your show.
- Seriously?

It's opposite that talking dog.

If they change your time slot,
I'll watch your show.

Wow.

So what about this Morning person?

She's really sick.

With what?

They don't know. But we're all trying
to rally around her this weekend.

And they can't rally without you?

I'm the star.
I don't want to look like a dick.

Since when?

It's still yellow, asshole! Go!

I'm going to a spa with my sister
this weekend.

It's too late to get our money back.

I'll pay for your spa.

Come on please, just help me out here.

- ?ello.
- I did it.

Good for you.

- Who is this?
- Stop it, you know three people.

Oh, you should have seen me.

Oh, you would've been so proud.

I was strong,
I was assertive, I was all,

"Make it happen".

Seriously, to his face.

I actually said, "Make it happen".
And you know what?

- ?e made it happen.
- Really?

- It works!
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, we're going to Cabo.

I'm not even sure
where the hell Cabo is.

But I don't fucking care, 'cause...

I made it happen, see!

- Don't do voices.
- Okay.

Oh, uh, by the way, we may have
a problem with Morning Randolph.

Oh Jesus, what?

She's supposedly out sick.

But we think it might be
about her part being cut down.

- Uh-oh.
- Yeah, she's not answering her phone.

Sean's going over to her house
to check it out.

Well, if it's a problem, just solve it.

Do it. Make it happen!

- Not with me.
- Okay.

- Yes.
- ?i, it's Sean.

Oh, uh...

What are you doing here?

Why didn't you call?

We tried.
You're not answering your phone.

Bev and I were worried about you.
We wanted to see how you were feeling.

May I come in?

- I may be contagious.
- I'll take my chances.

- Please open the door.
- Okay.

?ey, you!

Why are you acting weird?

Not weird.

All right, look me in the eye
and tell me that.

Everything's fine.

Okay, it's not getting less weird.

All right, promise
you won't freak out.

I promise.

Beverly ?ills ?ravel.

Bethany, hi, it's Jamie Lapidus.

Oh, hi, sweetie. What's up?

Look, I totally understand
if it's too late, but,

this weekend, any chance
of something fabulous in Napa?

Napa? So not Cabo?

Cabo? No. I'm sick of Cabo.
I'm thinking Napa.

Okay. Let me see what I can do.

- ?ello.
- How do you feel about Napa?

Love Napa.

Oh, good. I never get to go.
Merc hates it.

?ow do you hate Napa?

- ?e says, "Wine is bullshit".
- Classy.

- So, where are you now?
- In the car.

Please tell me you're not driving.

I'm sure it's just swollen.

It'll come down.

It already came down.

It's a cheek implant!
It's supposed to be up!

Oh.

- Well, can't they fix it?
- ?here's too much trauma to the tissue.

?hey can't go back in
for at least two months.

?wo fucking months like this!

Why did you even do it?

- I thought it would help.
- ?elp what?

I don't know, after last week
and everything with the show.

Because we're giving more to the Boys?

And less to the "old" people.

Now I'm totally fucked.

- No. No, you're not.
- Bullshit.

- ?ow can you shoot this?
- We will make it work.

Come on, it's ?ollywood!

- Really?
- Really.

We'll find a way.

I promise.

?hank you.

- You are so a sweetie.
- Ah.

See, I'm totally gross.

No, no, I was afraid to...
Doesn't it hurt?

Are you kidding?
I can't even feel my face.

I'm on so many painkillers
you could hit me with a hammer.

?ere, poke it.

- I don't want to poke it.
- Go on, poke it.

It's fine. Poke it!

- Did you poke it?
- I did.

See what I mean?
You don't have to worry.

Oh, good.

All right.

Mmm.

All right. All right.

?hat's great, thank you. Okay.

Oh, ah, oh, that's not necessary.

No, I want to.

Okay.

She's coming out of Make-up now.

- I thought you said it wasn't so bad.
- It's definitely better.

She looks like a Picasso!
And not in a good way.

- We can't shoot that.
- I promised her we'd try.

?oly crap!

?hank you.

What is she,
storing nuts for the winter?

- Seriously. We can't.
- ?hen you tell her.

Is it terrible?

No.

It... It's not that bad.

I'm sure we can make it work.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Why don't you, uh, go over to the set
so we can see it in the light.

Okay.

Yeah, 'cause light's gonna help.

Beverly ?ills ?ravel.

Uh, Bethany.

?hank you for my lovely bath oil.

I cannot wait to go home and soak.

Yeah, whatever.
I'm a little confused here.

I'm looking at the stuff you sent over.
It says Napa.

- Right.
- What are you talking about "right"?

Not Napa. Cabo.

But, we changed it.

What are you talking about?

Well.

Jamie said she was sick of Cabo.
She wanted Napa.

Wait.

You... You told Jamie?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I'm sorry, I...

Fuck! Fuck you, Bethany!
Fuck you and your big fucking mouth!

Um, I don't appreciate
being spoken to like that.

Well, then you're
really gonna hate this.

Fuck you! You ruined my life,
you stupid, cock-sucking, fucking fuck!

We gotta talk about last night.

- Last night?
- Our little moment.

What moment?

- Cheek.
- Cut!

- ?here was a moment.
- No moments.

- Cheek.
- Cut!

Sorry.

I don't even know what moment
you think was a moment.

- Cheek.
- Cut.

- Cheek.
- Cut.

- Cheek. Cheek.
- Cut.

Cut.

Cut.

- You totally gave me a look!
- I did not!

No moment, no look!

Why don't we just
cover her with a sheet?

You know what it means?

It means there was a look
and it means there was a moment.

Fine.

Fine, whatever.

It's like
Phantom of the Opera with hair.

Come in.

?i.

?hank you.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, thanks a lot, Robin.

- Oh, my God. We're really doing this.
- I know. Pretty great.

- You ready?
- Mm-hm!

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, don't answer it, let's just go.
Don't answer, don't answer it.

- ?ello.
- Or you can answer it.

So I guess Bethany
spoiled my little surprise.

- What?
- Oh, listen to you, "What?".

- You know I'm taking you to Napa.
- You're what?

She told me you didn't want Cabo,
that's fine.

What happened to New York?

Oh, like you ever believed that.

You're taking me to Napa?

Yeah, Napa.

?hat's how much I love you.

Oh, God. Yay.

Yay.

- Seriously, what the fuck?
- I don't know.

Let me find out what the fuck.

Beverly ?ills ?ravel.

Bethany, hi, it's Jamie.

Oh, I'm so sorry! ?e never told me
it was going to be a surprise.

- Don't worry, it's all fine.
- Tell your husband that.

?e called me
a cock-sucking fucking fuck.

Well, he really hates Napa.

You think?

So, when did he first call you?

Uh, Monday. I can't remember.
?e was talking about Cabo,

and how he wanted to go,
it had to be short notice.

- And it didn't matter what it cost.
- What?

It's what I thought.
?he reservation wasn't for me.

It's okay, honey, it wasn't your fault.

?appy birthday, by the way.

Shit.

I can't believe it.

I hate your fucking husband.

I know he's your fucking husband,
but I hate him.

?hank you.

- I'm sorry.
- No.

- ?hanks, Peter.
- Sure.

Ah! I have two more calls to make,
and then I'm ready to... No.

No. No.

- Yeah.
- What?

She found out about the trip.

I had to make her think it was for her.
Now we're going to fucking Napa.

Wow!

Perfect.

So, you're celebrating
our fifth anniversary

by taking your wife to Napa.

Does it help to know
I'm gonna hate every minute of it?

No. It doesn't help.

I can't do this any more.

- Baby...
- No. I can't.

No more.

I'm done.

So that's really it? Seriously?

Yep, I said it and I meant it.
I deserve better.

Good for you.

It took me five years to get here,
but that's it. No more. Over and out.

- Really?
- Probably not.