Episodes (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode Eight - full transcript

Can we speak later? Who're you with?
I'm er actually on...

a... date.

It's not just that people
don't like Pucks!

The dog show is killing us.

We had that cock-sucking dog,
how did we let it go?!

You said, "If anyone wants to pay
for that piece of shit,

"let them have it."

Sounds like me.

Guess who dropped by
the boys' school this afternoon?

I give up. How about
your fucking stalker!

Oh shit!



That fucking lunatic comes near my
kids again, I swear to God...

I came as soon as I got your message.

I love you so much!

I know.

Aaah, fuck!

Does this smell bad?

Oh! Yes!

Have you seen this?

No. Should I throw it out?

Yes! Look!

What am I looking at?

Nikke Finke, Deadline Hollywood.
Top story.

"Who let the dog out? Merc Lapidus."
Awww.

"It's no secret that
a certain talking canine



"has become the number one
new comedy of the television season.

"But what's less well-known
is that the ABC laugher

"was originally developed
by a rival network."

Uhhhh...

"And it was network prexy,
Merc Lapidus,

"who not only had the wisdom
to pass on the barking mega-hit,

"but then compounded
the bone-headed move

"by letting the project
be sold to a rival network.

"Inside sources tell me that
Lapidus can't be long for the job,

"especially
if you're counting in dog years."

Aww. Hmm.

Morning. Morning!

So...

So, so, so.

Sorry to disturb you last night
during your er...

date.

That's all right. No worries!

Ah, good. Phew!

How was it?

The "date"?

Fine.

Oh, brilliant! Good, good.

Would you like to talk about it?
No, no!

Noooo!

All right.

Although... Yeah.

I was wondering, erm...

the "date," was with...?

Rob. Morning's brother. Ah-ha!

Ah, keeping it in the family.
Smart! Good!

He seems nice.

Mmm.

Where did you go on the...

"date"?

Oh, just to this
neighbourhood tapas place.

Tapas!

Tapas!

Tapas!

Spanish... little plates.

OK. Speaking as someone
who knows you fairly well,

I'm thinking
you're going to get weirder

before you get less weird.

Er, you may want to step away.

Good idea. Good idea.

Good call!

Tapas!

Tapas!

Anybody read anything good
in the paper today?

Yeah, laugh.

FYI, you all get buried
in the pyramid with me.

OK, so we need you to sign off
on our sweeps promos.

Also, we should review
the status of the development slate.

Yeah, yeah, before that,

I'd like to know,
where's our vampire show?

Our... our, what?

Well, am I the only one who's noticed

that everybody's got vampires
but us?

Not just vampires.

AMC's got their fucking zombies!

And we've got, what?

Well, we've been trying to stick
to your mandate

to only do dramas
"ripped from the headlines."

Not a lot of zombies
in the headlines.

But let us get the word out.

We'll call some agents,

get some pitches in...
I don't have time for that!

I'll have New York
calling any minute now.

I need something that says,

"Hey, forget that
talking dog shit storm over there!

"Look over here! Werewolves!"

MTV's got werewolves.

So not werewolves! Help me here!

Well, first of all, we already have
some terrific projects

you can get them excited about.

Have you read
Beyond The Roses yet?

What's Beyond The Roses?

It's on your desk. It's that book.

A book?!

We already talked about it.

It's that bestseller
about the family in the '60s.

It's a beautifully nuanced portrait.

Oh, wow! A nuanced portrait!

Look at HBO, they're up the ass
with nuanced portraits!

What are the people watching?

Their fucking vampires!

Where are MY vampires?!

I want ideas and I want them now!

Go! Er...

Something with mummies!

Mummies? Too slow!

Leprechauns? Nothing scarier
than a fucking rainbow!

Um... sss..er...

come back to me?

Oh, Jesus!

Dragons?

Goblins?

Um, keep going.

Shape shifters? Lizard men?
Gypsies!

There's probably
a more constructive way...

Ogres, trolls, warlocks... pixies!

Mutants! Cyborgs! Succubi!

SUCCUBI!

HUGE rats!

Harpies! Mermen!

Gypsies!

Gypsies are real.

I don't think so.

I..er...

I wanted to apologise
for my behaviour earlier.

Oh, no need!

Mmm...

It's a very strange time
for both of us.

I'm the one who's saying
there's no going back.

So you dating is something

I should have seen coming.

I'm sorry I reacted so poorly.

It's as much my fault
as it is yours. No, no, no.

No, I should have warned you
before I went.

Right.

Yeah.

Or just turned your phone off.

Absolutely!

Good advice for next time!

What?

Nothing.

Funnily enough... erm...

doesn't "funnily" sound like
it shouldn't be a word?

It's a word.

I know. But it sounds like
I made it up!

"Funnily!"

Seems like it should
involve a funnel!

Anyway, FUNNILY,

I hadn't really thought about
a next time.

Is there a next time in the offing?

Well, FUNNILY...

We're seeing each other
again tonight.

Tonight?!

I...I hadn't seen that coming!

Do you need to step away again?

I think I do!

Ooh... "Funnily!"

Hi, honey! It's Carol Rance.

Crazy left-field question,

would JJ have any interest in
developing a show about gargoyles?

Elliot Salad on two.

For me?

Mmm-hmm.

Sweetie, I'm so, so sorry.

I have to call you back.

It's New York.

Elliot, hi!

'Hello, pretty lady!'

'So how are things in New York?

'I saw you had almost 70 degrees!'

And they say there's
no global warming!

There's no global warming.
Thank you!

It's ridiculous!

People, hello?! It's called weather!

So what's up?

'I actually just landed in LA.'
Oh, wow! Welcome.

'I was wondering, '

do you think we could meet
for a drink tonight?

Yeah, absolutely.

Let me just make sure Merc's free,
but I can't imagine he would...

'No, no.'

No Merc. Just you.

Uh, sure. All right.

Is everything OK?

'Couldn't be better.'

Well, great. Great.

Oh, and maybe don't mention to him
that we're getting together.

Great, yeah, totally.

See you then. Bye-bye.

It's open!

Oh, hey, Facebook friend!

Hey... you!

Or should I say, ex-Facebook friend?

I miss your status!

Aw, that's... sweet.

If you'll just
excuse me for a moment?

A moment.

I need security! Wait!

Don't go in there! Why not?

She's in there. Um, er, you know...

Yeah, I know. You know?

She came in with me today.
Never mind. She came in with you?

Yeah. It's cool. I'm guessing
it's many things.

Cool is probably the one thing
it's not.

What's going on? Apparently, it's
Bring Your Stalker To Work Day.

What? He's got Labia in there!
What?!

Last night I got really hammered.

And I was feeling kind of depressed.

So I don't know,
I guess I called her.

You guess?
Why do you even have her number?

From the last time I called her?
Unbelievable!

I know. Even as I was dialling,
I'm like, "Don't do this!

"You know it's only going
to bite you in the ass!"

What? She bit you in the arse?

A little bit.

OK, fine, I get it!

You're not supposed
to screw your stalker!

You brought her to work! I'm not
going to leave her in my house!

Oh, of course not!
Where are you going to put her next?

I'm open to suggestions.

Well, if you put her in your car,
remember to crack open a window.

A LOT of stalkers
have died that way.

Look, don't worry about it.

Have you thought this through
at all?

What about Diane?

Oh, shit! Diane!

Oh, please, please!

Please may I be there when you
try to explain this to her?

"Darling, don't worry!

"She's not a maniac any more,
I fucked it out of her!"

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

All right,
I've got to get rid of her.

That won't be hard now!
All right, OK! It's fucked up!

It's not fucked up!

YOU... FUCKED... IT... UP!

Your shrink was right.

You really do have
an inability to appreciate

the consequences of your actions.

When did he tell you that?
When he was destroying our lives.

Ah, yes! Good times.

Oh, my God! I know.

He is the most self-sabotaging
person I have ever met!

And we know some pretty
fucked-up people!

It's like watching a car wreck.

Only he's driving both cars.

Somebody named Rob called.

About tonight.

Er...

you can tell me later.

How much later?

I was kind of hoping
to get out of here early.

All right. All right,
I can leave early?

Or all right, you want the message?

Just give me the message and go.

OK, he said to tell you,

same time as last night,

same restaurant.

Thank you.

So I can go?

Fine!

So...

I think I may take off as well.

How about you?

Er, I... I've got some stuff to do.

You know, emails.

Get organized for tomorrow.

All right, well, have a nice evening.

You too.

I promise I will
have my phone off tonight!

And I will not be calling!

Very good!

See you tomorrow. Absolutely!

I have to ask, are you actually
typing something, or just pretending?

Pretending.

Right. Night.

Night.

Look, we need to talk.

Nooo! I just got here!

Labia, listen to me.

I shouldn't have called you.
It was wrong.

No! Yes! No!

Yes! This is over.

We're done, that's it!

You really have to go. Now!

OK.

Yeah?

Well, if that's what
you really want.

I mean, really, really,
really, really?

It really is, really.

All right.

Then I'll go.

Thank you.

But I'll always be waiting.

OK.

Not, like, in front of the house
though, right?

Sometimes in front of the house.

Great!

Look, please, don't wait for me.

You deserve someone who loves you.

Ah! You do!

They'll never be you.

That's not necessarily a bad thing.
I don't care!

I'll wait as long as I have to.

Even when you're old.

Even when you're old
and you've lost all your hair,

and you're not famous any more,

I'll still be waiting.

Even if you're just an old, fat,
former TV star

with no money, who nobody wants,
I'LL want you.

If you get cancer

and you lose control of your bowels
and you smell bad,

and no woman even wants
to look at you,

I'll be there for you.

Hello?

Hi!

Er, I'm about to leave for my date.

OK, now you're keeping me
a little too plugged in.

I think we need to strike a balance.

I just wanted to tell you that, er...

if you don't want me to go,
I won't go.

Oh.

'However, I would want to know why
you don't want me to go.'

If it's just out of jealousy,

and you don't want anything more
for the two of us,

then there's really
nothing in that for me.

On the other hand...

'..if you think
we still have a chance,

'and that's something you want to
work towards, then say so, and...'

I'll cancel this thing
in a heartbeat.

Go.

All right.

Cool! See you tomorrow.

Right.

I was hoping you'd call.

Really? Oh, sorry!

I thought you were Sean.

Well, it's me,
and I am FREAKING out!

'Why is that?'

OK, you cannot tell anyone.

ANYONE! Swear?

I swear.

'Elliot Salad called.'

He wants to meet me for a drink,
WITHOUT Merc.

'OK...'

You have no idea
who Elliot Salad is!

None. How do you NOT know
Elliot Salad?!

I feel like I've ordered one
at some point,

but if you're saying
it's the name of a person...

Elliot Salad
is the head of the network.

He's Merc's boss.

He's my boss. He's YOUR boss.

I have a boss named Elliot Salad?!

Oh, shit! Here he comes!

'How's he dressed?'

What? Oh, come on!

Salad? DRESSED?!

I'm just joining the lady.

I'm sad.

I know.

Got everything? Yes.

Got your sunglasses?

No. Where are they?

In the bedroom.
You want to help me look?

No, no! No! You wait here.

I'll go get them.

DO NOT MOVE!

OK.

Don't answer that!

'LeBlanc residence.'

Is Matt there?
'Who may I say is calling?'

Tell him it's Diane.

'Oh, hi, Diane!'

'It's Labia!'

'Noooooo!'

'Fuck!'

You don't have kids, do you?

Not yet. Some day.

Hey, don't rush into it.

You don't know what
you're going to end up with.

My oldest son is bipolar.

Last summer he burned down
our East Hampton place.

The other one's still got
six months in mandatory rehab.

And my daughter and two other girls
are married to this guy in Utah.

Jesus! You can't catch a break!

I love 'em all.
Of course you do! They're yours!

I still think I have a chance
with my youngest one.

Oh, she's a cutie!

No, that's my wife. Oh, uh...
It's fine.

Second marriage. Good for me!

Here she is. She's seven.

Aww! And so smart.

Guess what her favourite TV show is?

Pucks!?

No, seriously, guess.

Does it star a beagle
who won't shut up?

Yep. She adores that dog.

You developed that, right?

Well, not just me.
We really are a team.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you get to meet the dog?

It's actually five dogs.
Oh, I hate hearing that!

It must have killed you
when Merc didn't go with it.

You know, everybody makes mistakes.

Well, there's mistakes
and then there's MISTAKES.

Shows like this
come once in a decade.

It's like lightning in a bottle.

I watch my daughter watching it
and she just laughs.

And she's got
this great little laugh,

like a dolphin laugh, you know?

And I listen to her,

and she's just so into it
and so happy,

it makes me want to grab a bat
and fucking kill someone.

Just smash them and hurt them
and kill them!

Maybe you shouldn't be around
when she watches it.

The next morning,
when I look at the numbers... Jesus!

I hate Tuesday mornings now.

There's that dog
with his beautiful double digits.

And then I look over at Pucks.

What are we paying LeBlanc?

I would pay that much
to watch the dog eat him.

Look, a day doesn't go by

that Merc doesn't
beat himself up about it.

But what can we do?

We've got to look forward.

Well, he can stop looking forward.

What?

The decision's made. Merc's out.

For some reason,
this all feels vaguely familiar.

Almost as if we'd been here before.

Only I'm not babbling like an idiot.

The night is young.

Believe me!

Uh, no!

Oh, God!

So, how was your day?

Uh-uh, no.

No? No.

I promised myself tonight
is about you.

Oh, wow. You don't want

to talk about house painting.

Then we will sit in silence.

All right then. I tell you what,

if you're really interested,

after dinner,
I'll show you what I'm working on.

A house mid-paint? I'm intrigued!

Are you?

Strangely, I am.

I know it's not up to me,

but I really think
you should give him more time.

Merc is a strong executive.

He can turn this thing around!

I appreciate your loyalty...
It's not loyalty!

I truly believe he can do it.

Carol! We've got a lot of
great shows in development...

Honey! Stop!

It's a done deal.

The board voted. He's out.

Jesus!

What about all the years
we were number one?

Don't they count for anything?

They counted.

When we were number one.

I know, it's a ruthless business.

Look, it happens to all of us
eventually.

It's like the circle of life.

Like Lion King. You saw Lion King?

Mmm-hmm.

Genius! Those puppets!

When are you going to tell him?

I thought I'd wait till
after his Man Of The Year thing.

At least let him have that.

That's nice. Also, that way,

we can empty his office
while he's there.

So, we should
talk about the transition.

Can I ask? Do you know who
you're going to go with?

We've got a very short list.

Right.

And your name's at the top of it.

OK.

You see all that marble?

That's me.

What do you mean, it's you?

Well, it's not marble.

It's all faux.

Faux? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, you painted all this?

Well, me and my crew.

You big, fat liar!

"I paint houses!"

You're a bloody genius!

No, really. No, that is not true.

The hell it's not! This is amazing!

And this is actually
someone's house?

Yeah. Can you believe it?

No! Who's going to live here?

Oh, I don't know.

They don't even tell me their names.

My crew and I call them
the Bullshits.

Todd and Holly Bullshit.

So their children
are the little Shits?

Yeah, that's them!

All faux?

Mmm, all faux.

You really are amazingly talented.

You do know that?

I'm OK. It's not art-art.

I've seen a lot of art-art.

I'd be willing to bet
that the paintings

the Bullshits hang on these walls

are not nearly as good as what
you're doing underneath them.

You're very sweet.

Actually, I'm not.

You should speak to some
people who know me.

No. No, I'm sticking with sweet.

OK...

All right?

Yep... I am.

That was lovely.

A little troubling.

Troubling?

Because... it was lovely.

Oh!

Oh, what can I say? I'm a mess!

You're allowed to be.

See, you're the sweet one.

When I came to this country,
a few months ago, um...

I was happily married.

I hadn't kissed another man
in ten years, and um...

never had a doubt
as to what I was feeling.

And now?

I haven't a clue.

But...

whatever it is, funnily...

it's definitely not faux.

Oh! Now we're doing it again!