Episodes (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode Four - full transcript

- Hello?
- In here!

Oh, I'll come back.

No, no, it's okay. Come in.

- Oh!
- Look at these numbers.

I've seen them.

No, no, look. Look!

They're terrible. I know.

Why don't we have a dance show?

You said there were enough dance shows.

Really, I can come back.

Every fucking dance show is killing us.



Who wants to watch other people dance?

People will watch anything.

Obviously not.

I don't have
one goddamn night that's working.

Not one!
All my new shows are tanking. Why?

I don't know.

And Pucks! What the hell
happened to Pucks!?

Research is all over it. We'll fix it.

I look at these ratings,
and it's like 9/11.

It's not like 9/11.

It's like watching the Towers fall.

It's nothing like that.

This is my Ground Zero.

By the way, this is
not better than your Holocaust analogy.



Look, we will recover from this.
Everything is cyclical.

We will laugh about this someday.

Yeah, not if we make a show out of it.

Listen to me.
We will come back stronger than ever.

What if we don't?

What if this is the time
it just keeps getting worse?

I liked being on top.

Oh, I know you did.
You'll be on top again.

Will I?

Oh, baby...

It's going to be okay. I promise.

- Jesus...
- What?

Our numbers from last night.

Oh, we go down again?

Not just down,
it's like a fucking bungee jump.

Oh, shit.

Oh, man.

You know what just keeps going up?

That fucking talking dog show.

You know, I could've been on that...

- Oh, my God, we know!
- Jesus Christ, let it go!

I'm just saying.

- Oh, I've got a message for you.
- Yeah?

Some woman friended me on Facebook.

She says she knows you
and needs to get back in touch.

- You're on Facebook?
- Uh-huh.

What's her name?

It's actually an odd one.

Oh, shit, is it Labia?

Yes! Is that really
how it's pronounced?

It's not "Lah-bia" or "La-bee-a"?

Nope. Labia.

- As in...
- Labia.

Since when are you on Facebook?

I don't know, a couple of months.

- She's my stalker.
- Facebook. Wow.

He's got a stalker named Labia
and that's what you're focusing on?

It's like Hungarian
or Polish or some shit.

I'm just surprised. We always made
fun of people on Facebook.

They wore me down.
Pretty much everyone's on it.

Your mother's on Facebook.

- My mother's on Facebook?
- We're Facebook friends.

You and my mother?
You're not real-life friends.

For some reason
I like her better this way.

Perhaps 'cause
you can't hear her voice.

Yeah, listen. You gotta unfriend her.

Seriously, she's a fucking nutbag.
But you saw her picture.

She's pretty hot, huh?

And that's important in a stalker?

It's important, period.

You need us?

Your 11:00
pitch meeting with the network is now.

- Hi, Matt.
- Hey.

Okay. Off we go.

Off we go.

All right.
The first story's a bit of a road trip

for Lyman and Nicola.

- Fun!
- So, it's Nicola's sister's wedding

but there's a huge blizzard
and no planes are flying.

Uh-oh.

Nicola's car
is buried under a mountain of snow,

so Lyman offers to
drive her in his truck.

Can I just jump in? Quick thought.

What if, instead of Nicola's
sister getting married,

it's one of the Boys' sisters?

- That's fun.
- Mmm.

Well, that would be
a very different story.

Yeah, it's just a way
to get all the Boys in there.

And why are all the Boys
going to this wedding?

What if it's not a wedding?

Right. What if it's, like, a big
game they don't want to miss?

A big game in a blizzard?

Why does it even have to snow?

Yes, why is there ever weather, really?

So, now Lyman's
taking the Boys to a big game...

Look, obviously
none of us are writers...

- Obviously.
- But what if

the Boys take
Lyman's truck without his permission?

Ooh, that's nice and stakesy.

So the only part of our story that's
left is there's a truck.

What if there's not?

All right, stop. Just stop.

Tell us what is going on.

Okay. Uh, it's the ratings.

You told us not to worry
about the ratings.

Yeah, you can start now.

I see.

But hold on. There is good news.

Our research says
there is a core teenage audience

that's really connecting with the Boys.

Especially Stoke.

- Stoke!
- Stoke.

Stoke? Stoke can't even act.

- He's mostly hair.
- They like the hair.

- It's hot hair.
- Mmm.

So now we can focus on
what's actually working.

We just need to
concentrate more on the Boys

- and less on Matt and Morning.
- Matt and Morning.

You realise
that would massively change the show?

Everything we've got is geared
towards Matt. Matt is the show.

- We'd have to throw everything out.
- No, no, no!

Now, we're not saying everything.

Just shift the focus a little.

Scooch it over a bit.

Scooch it?

Give it a scooch.

It may be just a matter of tweaks.

Tweaks?

And scooches.

Relax. We're not going to get caught.

Mmm. That's 'cause we're not going.

Or you could grow a pair.

I'm not clear how my having testicles
stops this from being a stupid idea.

Coach Lyman enters.

Has anyone seen the keys to my truck?

What do they look like?

Uh, one of them looks like a
young Richard Chamberlain...

They look like keys.

Sorry, Coach. Haven't seen 'em.

I'm losing my mind.

Lyman exits.

He's totally
going to find out.

No way.

He's going to be away
all weekend at that coaches' conference.

He's not coming back till Monday.

You sure?

I'm telling you.
He's gone the whole time.

Okay, if we're
gonna do this thing, we gotta leave now.

The pageant's over in, like, an hour.

By the time we get there,

that hotel's going to be filled
with one winner

and 49 depressed and insecure girls.

And they're all going to need help
with their self-esteem.

And it doesn't bother you that
we're just emotional predators

taking advantage of their pain?

No.

C'mon, 49 hot girls!
We're talking pageant contestant hot.

This is going to be fun.

He just kept turning pages and looking.

Oh, no, he was counting.

I definitely saw him counting.

Ready?

No.

- Hey.
- You wanted to see us?

Yeah. Come on in.

- So, today was fun.
- Wasn't it? I thought it was really...

- Good, good.
- It had so much...

- Very pleased.
- Mmm.

I got to see
how the audience experiences it.

That was different.

Right. Well, this is a tricky episode.

What with the Boys going off
on their little adventure.

Yeah.

I noticed it didn't leave
a lot of adventure for me.

Which was weird. Or as you say, tricky.

- You see from...
- Yeah, I know, I could...

- I could see that. Definitely.
- Point is a point.

- So, what are we going to do?
- About...

About me not speaking
between pages 3 and 24.

Really? Is it that many?

- Uh-huh.
- Three and 24?

Honestly,
you don't notice it when you are there.

- You're so present.
- You have a lot of presence.

Okay, how about this?

What if I go on
their little adventure with them?

Well, that wouldn't quite make sense.

The whole point
is they're stealing your truck.

Also, I'm not sure
the Boys would want to go with you.

Yeah, I could see that,

except you're making them up.

You can make them want to go with me.

Look. The episode is working.

I wish you were in it more,
I really do,

but I don't think that's a reason to
start dismantling the whole thing.

I agree.

Okay.

Yeah?

You're right. It works.
Let's not screw it up.

Thank you.

Just promise I'm going to be
heavy in next week's show.

Um...

- Um...
- Oh, Jesus.

- What?
- I get it.

What, what do you get?

This is your little revenge.
For what happened with the three of us.

What?

Well, that is pretty shitty.

Seriously, could you
maybe be less professional?

- That is not what this is!
- Bullshit!

- It's not us!
- It's coming from the network!

Oh!

Oh.

I really wish it was you guys.

They're trying to appeal
to a younger demographic.

They want us to refocus the show on
the Boys, and less on you and Morning.

Wow.

- I'm sorry.
- Mmm. Me, too.

So, where are you guys?

Do you want to do a show
about a bunch of hockey kids?

We didn't want to do a show
about a hockey coach.

They think Stoke is a breakout star.

Which one's Stoke?

- You know, he's...
- With the hair?

Oh! It always
comes down to the fucking hair.

They have numbers and research...

Yeah, research said
Joey was going to be a hit.

- Joey was a hit.
- Joey was terrific. I mean in many ways.

- You, you were good, it's just that...
- Especially the bits you were in.

Okay. Not to be an asshole about it,

but this is not what I signed up for.

I don't need
to get paid to watch other people act.

Totally understand.

And now to be an asshole about it,

are you fucking kidding me?

I'm the only one on this whole fucking
show anyone's ever heard of!

- Well, Morning...
- Yeah, right. What's she done?

- Morning? Morning did...
- Oh, she did that...

- Uh...
- This is bullshit!

They want less of me?

On Pucks!? On fucking Pucks!?

I'm not good enough
for this piece-of-shit show?

- You're angry, it's okay...
- Just let it out, 'cause otherwise...

Does Merc know about this?

- What do you think?
- Jesus!

Fuck!

- I'm going to fight this.
- Fine. Do it.

You've got the relationship.

This is not the way
this is going to go down.

This is not okay!

Shit.

- Yup.
- Unbelievable.

Mmm-hmm.

How can they do this? You're Joey.

- Right?
- And I'm Kelly.

Huh?

Kelly, on Kelly Girl.

Okay.

I hate this fucking business.

I brought hors d'oeuvres.

And you think you don't have a problem?

Who said I don't have a problem?

Where do you even get it?
Do you have, like, a dealer or...

A dealer? No.

That sounds so druggie.

I have a prescription.

Why?

So I don't need a dealer.

There's this doctor,
and you just have to tell him

you're "having trouble sleeping".

Are you "having trouble sleeping"?

"No".

Oh, I so need this today.

- Matt was furious.
- You told him?

Of course we told him. He's not stupid.

Well, hopefully he realises it's all
for the good of the show.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

You just turned into work Carol.

You always say that. That's so not true.

You should hear yourself.
Your voice changes.

You become brutally pleasant.

Then don't fucking talk about work!

And we're back.

Did you remember to say no salami?

Oh, God. Sorry.

That's okay, I'll just pick it out.

Sean hates chickpeas.
Doesn't even like to touch them.

I always had to
pick them out of his salad.

That's a weird thing
to be nostalgic about.

I know.

So, how are things?

You guys seem fine when I'm with you.

We are fine.

At work he's almost normal.

We're just like
we used to be, minus all the good bits.

Aw.

I miss touching him.

Feeling him hold me...

It's like with me and Merc.

- Not yet.
- Okay.

I miss talking with him.
I mean, really talking.

Some days I feel like
I don't know him at all.

He's on Facebook!

Right.

- You knew this?
- Yeah. We're Facebook friends.

Apparently I don't know
you so well, either.

Ooh, you want to see his Facebook page?

This is my page.

1,642 friends. You are popular.

I know!

Okay.

Here's Sean's page.

He's got 137 friends.

Not so popular.

Huh.

What?

An old girlfriend of his.

Ooh, pretty.

In a fat, stupid way.

I didn't even know they were in touch.

What's "information"?

Oh, just basic stuff.

Your birthday, where you're from,
relationship status...

Seriously, let's just turn this off.

It's all right. I want to see.

I'm sure it still says married.
Why even...

"It's complicated."

Well,

I suppose it is.

- Morning.
- Hey, can I see you for a sec?

What's this?

I felt bad that I never gave
you a birthday present.

Oh, I definitely
feel like you gave me something.

Well, I also got you this.

Oh, you really didn't need to...

Ah, perfect.

We writers do love our pens.

Look. I had it engraved.

"Y. C. O. M. T."

You Came On My Tits.

That is true.

I thought it'd be tacky
to have the whole thing written out.

I think you made the right call.

Plus, they charge by the letter, so...

Ah. Frugal and filthy. Yes.

Well, thank you.

I figured you could use it
when you're writing next week's script.

I definitely will do that.

And hopefully you'll think of me.

- How could I not?
- Exactly.

I always forget about this place.

Didn't we come here
years ago with Jeff Saklow from Fox?

Yeah. Yeah, he brought that hooker
with the boob that kept falling out.

Right!

He ended up marrying her, you know.

Wait, that's Tracy?

I guess I never looked at her face.

'Cause it didn't have a nipple on it.

Hey, look who's here.

The penne still great?

Always.

Oh, shit.

Just give me a spinach salad.

No egg, no bacon, dressing on the side.

And a knife, so I can kill myself.

I'll have the penne.

You prick.

So, talk to me. What's going on?

Well, I don't know if you know but, uh,

they're saying Pucks! needs to be more
about the kids and less about me.

- That's nuts!
- They said it's coming from you.

Well, not just me.

Look, we're only trying to do
what we can to help the show.

And you think less of me
will help the show?

I gotta listen to the fucking research.

You don't have an opinion of your own?

Eh.

Look, you know why I did this show?

'Cause I gave you a shitload of money?

No. I didn't need to do this thing.

I came back because you asked me to.

With a shitload of money.

Forget the money.
You said you had a show for me.

You asked me as a personal favour.

You said the network needed me.

You're right.
You're absolutely right.

- I know.
- I hired you to be the star of a show.

It's not fair of us to switch it up now.

Thank you.

The trouble is
the show we hired you for,

it's not working.

So here's a question.

Do you want to be one of the
actors on a show that's on the air

or the star of something
that gets cancelled?

Hey. I just wanted
to give you a heads-up.

I'm quitting the show.

What?

I'm calling Merc Lapenis now.

I'm also going to tell him
I'm screwing his wife.

And after that?
I'm gonna tell him again.

All right, listen to me.

- Lapenis...
- Are you listening?

Yeah. What?

Do not do anything till I get there.
Where are you?

Right. The phone stays in your pocket.
Do nothing.

Lapenis. That's...

We've got a problem.

Just tell me
you haven't called him yet.

- Who?
- Did you call Merc?

No.

Put the phone away.
Put it away! Put it...

This is a mistake.
You do not want to do this.

Oh, I wanna do it.

People do not hire people
who walk out on shows.

Do you ever want to work again?

- I don't care.
- Listen to me.

Sorry.

I hate to be a douche
but could I get an autograph?

Just a huge fan.

Sure thing.

Uh...

Sorry.

- What's your name?
- Dennis.

"Dennis, you are not a douche."

There you go. Bye-bye.

Thanks, Matt.

- Fancy.
- A gift from Morning.

"Y. C. O. M. T."

You Came On My Tits?

Yes! How did you know?

What else could it be?

Sorry I'm late.
I had trouble getting in.

Why?

Because I'm not 22.

I was just trying to tell Matt

why it would be a mistake
for him to leave the show.

And I was saying I don't give a shit.

There, you're all caught up.

- I'd love a whiskey.
- Sure.

Need I even ask? Right.

Come here.

You can't quit.

I'm too old, I'm too rich

and I've been doing this too long,
I don't need this shit!

You're right, you don't.

Thank you.

You realise if you leave,
there is no show.

What about the Boys?

They couldn't carry your bag,
let alone a TV series.

No argument from me.

Look, you don't owe me anything.

But if this thing goes down,
we go back to London.

So?

If we go back now,
that's it, we're done.

As long as we're here,
I still have a chance.

Don't quit yet.

Please.

Bev?

Andrew!

Oh, my God! How are you?

Great.

This is Matt LeBlanc.

Andrew Lesley.
Andrew used to be our PA.

Now he's a big-time screenwriter.

Yeah, we've met.

Oh, fuck! Andrew!

Sean! Hey.

Oh.

Okay.

How have you been?

Well, I'm positively
drowning in meetings.

Aw, fatally?

It's insane.

It's only my first movie,

and suddenly it's like I'm the only one
in town who can write one.

That is insane.

Paramount's
over the moon.

Are you sitting down?

They're letting me direct the next one.

- You're directing?
- The next one?

I know! Isn't it mad?

Yes!

So how are you all?
How's the show going?

No complaints.

We're on the air.

I know! I saw it!

Well, it's very different
from what we did before.

Very different.

We're still pleased with it.

Aw, that's nice.

I'm gonna hit him.

Picture up.

On a bell.

Action.

Hey, you know what we should do?

Before we bring Coach's truck back,

we should paint it a slightly different
colour and see if he notices.

- Repaint the truck?
- Yeah.

Why?

It'd be funny.

That's not funny, that's just weird.

Yeah. "Is it beige? Is it ecru?"

That's not a joke.

- What's ecru?
- It's a colour.

- Ecru's a colour?
- Yeah. It's like taupe.

- Taupe?
- Taupe.

How do you know this?

Uh, not to stereotype,
but two gay dads.

Never taught me to throw a ball,

but I do know ecru and taupe.

Hey! Less talkin', more skatin'!

And cut!

Good work
today, everyone!

Uh, before anyone leaves,
Mr LeBlanc here

has been generous enough to book
the rink for us for the rest of the day.

Free skates and hot chocolate,
whatever you want.

Well, see you tomorrow.

You not staying to skate?

Oh, please. Skate?

Are you forgetting Zurich?

I distinctly recall
being peeled off the ice with a spatula.

Oh, come on. Everyone's staying.

I promise you there'll be no little
kamikaze Swiss children

trying to take you down.

You're such a baby!

I am not a baby.

I just don't understand the appeal
of trying to balance on a floor

made of ice
with two knives strapped to my shoes,

waiting to fall down,

which you know is going to happen.

At which point
I will be thrown into the path

of a bunch of people,
many of whom don't like me,

also with knives on their shoes.

You ready?

- Fine.
- Big, big baby.

All right, now, let go.
Come on. I've got you.

Now the other one.

There you go. That's it.

There you go. Just try to relax.

Okay. Good.

I'm just going to come around here.

There you go. Look at you, skating.

Mmm-hmm. Now can I stop?

No.

Ooh!

There you go.

I've got you, it's okay.

- Just relax.
- I am.

- That's it, relax.
- Okay.

There we go. Very nice. See?

How's that?

Better.