Episodes (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode Three - full transcript
As Matt confesses to the Lincolns his affair with Jamie the news breaks that Merc's father - whom he once reported for tax evasion - has died and,as studio employees they are expected to attend the funeral,as well as send gifts of food or charity donations. Sean finds his birthday present watch but by this time Beverly has found out that Morning knows what the inside of his bedroom looks like and,at the funeral,she is rather tearful as she reflects on their marriage.
Jamie Lapidus gave me a handjob
last night. I had to tell you!
Hope this is OK.
I was dropping something off.
How did Sean like the watch?
I didn't want to put him on the spot
so I had a PA put it in his car.
Al the camera guy saw you
making out with Morning last week.
Should we talk about what happened?
I had fun. Me, too.
That's it? Pretty much.
See you tomorrow.
I should probably get that.
I totally disagree.
Sorry.
Hello?
No, actually I'm... in the car.
Why?
Oh, my God.
When?
Does Merc know?
OK. Tell him I'll meet him at home.
All right, bye.
That was my assistant.
Merc's father died. Jesus.
That sucks. Well, he's been
in a coma for the last month, so...
I guess it's kind of a blessing.
Still... I'm really sorry.
I should go.
Like... this minute?
Seriously,
my husband's father just died.
No, absolutely, but...
it's not like you can
bring the old guy back.
And isn't this really
a time to celebrate the living?
You're making a really plaintive
face right now, aren't you? I am.
And you should see what this guy's
doing. It would break your heart.
Ohhh...
There you go.
'What's another word for cock?'
What's wrong with "cock"?
You can't say "cock" on TV here.
No? Hmm. How about "prick"?
Nope. Seriously? No "prick"?
No "prick". How about "dick"?
No. "Knob"?
I don't think so. "Meat missile".
"Meat missile"?!
That's what the nuns called it.
Hey...
What do you call a cock?
A cock.
Right. Anything else?
Something we can say on television.
Noodle. Noodle?
That's what I call my boyfriend's.
Wow. He sounds quite the stud.
He's on anti-depressants.
Oh, sorry.
Is that it?
Actually, you came in here.
Oh, yeah. The network called.
They want to move the table read
to tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Why? Merc Lapidus'
father died and they all have to go
to the funeral today.
Oh, that's sad.
OK, well, just let the stage know.
OK.
Do you want to send something?
Like flowers or something?
Er... should we? I dunno.
Maybe. We could call Carol and ask.
Could you get us Carol? Huh?
Carol.
OK.
I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
You've met him. The gloomy chap
with the disappointing dong.
Dong. Good idea!
Carol Rance on two!
- Hi, Carol!
- 'Hold for Carol, please.'
- 'Hi, guys!'
- Hi, Carol!
Hope we didn't mess you up too much.
No, that's fine. We're just sorry
about Merc's father. 'I know.'
Don't get old.
And if you do, don't have a stroke.
We were just wondering,
should we send flowers or something?
Flowers are always nice,
but you shouldn't feel obligated.
Really.
'Sorry for the chewing.'
Phil Rosenthal sent Merc
this ginormous condolence spread
from Zabar's in New York. Ohh!
'I swear, the bagels were still
warm.' So people are sending food?
'No, not everybody.'
A few people sent platters,
a muffin basket is always nice,
but honestly don't feel any
pressure. My God! They just brought
in a turkey the size of a Prius.
I hate it when people die.
I get so fat.
"What better way to remember
a friend or loved one
"than this thoughtful bereavement
basket overflowing with scrumptious
mini muffins,
"decadent chocolate brownies,
butter toffee pretzels
and snickerdoodle cookies,
"wrapped in cellophane and tied
with a tasteful black bow?
"The entire family will appreciate
your gesture of peace and sympathy.
"Caution:
This product may contain nuts."
What's up?
Trying to decide what to send Merc.
Smart. Can I get in on that? Sure.
What are you thinking?
Carol suggested a muffin basket.
She's an idiot.
Muffins went out, like, 10 years
ago. Can I leave? Yeah.
Not for the day, though.
Oh.
So if not a muffin basket...?
We should cater a whole dinner.
A whole dinner? For how many?
I don't know. 50, 75. They probably
have a ton of people at their house.
Doesn't that seem excessive?
If our ratings were great, we could
send cat piss and a bag of Doritos.
Mmm! But with our numbers, we can't
be the cheap assholes who sent
the shitty little muffin basket.
So we're catering a dinner for 75
people?! What happened to "somebody
dies, dig a hole, bury them"?
It's like dealing with cave people.
It's just so hard.
I should be with him today.
His father died.
I know. 'I should he holding him
and comforting him.'
I should be helping him pick out
a casket. You KNOW I would be better
at it than she is,
which I realise isn't saying a lot.
Well, you get to see him
at the funeral, no?
'Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.'
Oh, God. I've got to hear a pitch.
Some guy's got a TV movie about
his father's triumph over autism.
It's supposed to be inspiring.
I am SO not in the mood!
'Bye.'
Look familiar? Weirdly, yes.
I gave them some pictures of our
first flat to use as inspiration.
Oh, my God. Just imagine a brick
wall there and the smell of curry!
My ex-wife calling and hanging up.
Ah, good times.
They were.
Hey...
bad news on the catering thing.
We're too late. Mark Burnett's doing
tonight from the Grill. Tomorrow,
Universal is sending deli.
And some asshole from Warner Bros
took Friday. We're back to muffins?
We were never on muffins!
Anyway, I called Jamie and asked
if she had any ideas. Jamie who?
Lapidus.
What?
What? That look.
What look? No look.
We've been...
kinda seeing each other.
Who? Me and Jamie. Well, I've been
seeing her. She hasn't seen...
Blind jokes? Really?
Hey, she makes 'em! Oh, my God!
You and Jamie Lapidus?
For how long? A few weeks.
Started the night of our premiere.
She gave me a handjob
during the screening. A handjob?!
During our show? Relax.
It's not like she was watching it.
I was sitting right next to you.
Gotta say - her side, much better.
You really are horrifying.
What is it with you and
other people's wives? Yeah, yeah.
He's been all over me for that.
Well...
Anyway, I spoke to Jamie and there's
a couple of charities they suggest
people make donations to.
That's better than catering.
What charities? One helps homeless
people get tattoos removed.
That is the stupidest cause ever.
I think it's for gang tattoos,
stuff that stops them getting jobs.
What was the other thing?
Canadian geese.
What about them? I don't know! Ah!
It doesn't matter.
These are the ones they picked.
We just say, "Look, money!"
This is the worst chase scene ever.
How big a donation are we talking?
Like a hundred?
No. Who are you people? It's
got to be at least a grand. What?!
$1,000?! For geese?! And will they
even know how much we're giving?
The geese? Merc and his family.
I don't know, but in case they do
know, we've got to give a lot.
- I'm just going to check the back.
- Sure.
Hey, you guys! Do we all want to go
to this funeral together?
We weren't planning on going.
Everybody's going. Who's everybody?
From all the shows on the network.
Oh, shit. Really? I'm getting texts.
Carol didn't say anything about it.
Duh! They never say it.
It's the right thing to do. You
didn't say that when my Aunt Harriet
died. She didn't run a network.
Hey. OK, that was my agent. I've
got to go to this fucking funeral.
Thank you. He also said a charitable
donation is too impersonal.
So now what? Jerry Bruckheimer
donated a dialysis machine to Cedars
in Merc's father's name.
Jesus! I know,
but he's a partner in some dialysis
company so he gets them at cost.
Wow. David Kelley and Michelle
Pfeiffer are planting a tree.
Oh, those fuckers!
Wow. What do you think?
You look like you're on the news.
Thank you! The rental car company
sent this over. It was under
the seat when you turned the car in.
We don't have time for extensions?
No. Oh, well. OK. Just...
Oh, my God.
Don't you love this sofa?
Ooh, very nice. Shopping for a sofa?
No, I'm just really into catalogues.
I could read 'em all day.
So you count this as reading?
It's got words.
Ha. What?
Look familiar?
The chair? Uh-huh.
I don't think so. Isn't that
the one Sean has in his bedroom?
I can't help you. I've never
actually been in Sean's bedroom.
Oh.
Hey.
Ooh, nice.
Did I give you that? No, you did
not! I gave out a bunch last year.
It's a vintage Breitling. Yeah.
If you want a few more, let me know.
Will do. Oh, man. This is going to
be weird at this thing today.
Being with Jamie in front of Merc.
But easier than the last time,
with no orgasms.
You've never been with a blind girl,
right? No! It's good.
You don't have to suck in the gut.
There's a bonus. I went out
with this deaf chick. Smoking hot.
But it was a little weird
when she'd do the dirty talk.
She was like, "Fuck me."
Stop! I'm just saying. "Fuck me.
Put your finger in my ass."
Ssh! Just shush.
"I like..." Shush!
"If you..." Ah! Look at you two!
Very nice. Hey!
We all clean up pretty good.
We should do something fun after.
You're assuming the funeral
won't be fun.
I think I got you in trouble.
What? I put my foot in it.
Hello?
My friend Carrie just got to
the cemetery. She says it's packed.
Hm. When we get there, just make
sure Merc sees you. And it wouldn't
hurt if you could cry a little.
Are you serious? I probably will cry
thinking about when my parents die.
Do you ever think about that? I do,
all the time. How old are they?
My mom's 91 and Dad's 93.
How is that even possi...?
Oh, right.
I never think about me dying.
Do you guys?
More so lately.
Do you think if you died the other
Friends would come to your funeral?
Yeah, I think they'd come.
Even Jennifer?
Yeah, even Jennifer.
God, can you imagine the press?
All of you together again.
Well, not YOU.
Right. Cos I'd be dead.
Sure, but still...
Still... I'd be dead.
I hope I'm still famous when I die.
Kinda playing fast and loose
with the word "famous", no?
When I first got out here
I went to Orson Welles' funeral.
Really? You knew Orson Welles? Nah.
My publicist got me in.
I couldn't believe I was there.
It was like a real Hollywood
funeral. Jimmy Stewart, Bob Hope,
Bette Davis.
The biggest fucking coffin
you ever saw. That guy was huge!
I'm standing next to this woman.
She's, like, in her 50s,
sort of looks familiar.
No one's paying any attention to
her. Turns out it's Gloria Haywood.
Who's Gloria Haywood? Exactly!
We started talking
and she's had this amazing life.
A big affair with Bing Crosby.
She won an Oscar for
Best Supporting Actress in 1950.
35 years later,
no one knows who the fuck she is.
We went out for a drink and ended up
back at her apartment, this shitty
little two-room place off Fountain.
She had this ratty dog who
watched us screwing all afternoon.
It was my first celebrity fuck.
Hm. I just remember thinking,
"Well, at least now
someone will remember you."
A couple of years ago I googled her
to see if she was still alive.
Turns out someone called Josephine
Hull won the Oscar in 1950.
So who was Gloria Haywood? Hell if I
know! Some nutjob who gave me crabs!
She gave you crabs? Mm-hm.
But... I learned
a valuable lesson that day.
How to get rid of crabs? Yep.
It's come in handy more than once.
Ah! Hey, I can't believe he's gone.
I know. It's the end of an era.
What are you doing?! Put those away!
If he sees you! I know, but...
I just got a text from a friend.
Matthew Broderick fell out of
his NBC deal this morning.
His people are shopping him around.
I don't care. There's a time
and place... Matthew Broderick!
Ferris Bueller? The Producers?
Inspector Gadget.
First of all, I already know this.
I have a call in to the agent.
More important, today is not
about work. Merc's father died.
We have to be here for him.
I totally hear you.
Sorry. Yeah, sorry.
What got up her ass?
Thanks so much for coming.
It means a lot.
Wow. Nice turnout.
OK, there's Merc. Let's do this.
You're here!
How could we not be?
Matty. My pop's gone.
I'm sorry, man.
I still can't believe it.
I bet he was really proud of you.
He was. And, you know,
we didn't speak for, like, 12 years.
When was this? Oh, long time ago.
Caught him cheating on my mom. Wow.
So I called the IRS on him,
told them how he was cooking
his books and he was indicted.
Jeez. Every family has their stuff.
Hey, you!
- You met him, didn't you?
- Just once. He was a sweetie.
- Didn't he grab your ass?
- He was so full of life!
Not so much any more. Hey!
You got one job - to keep her
from falling in the goddamned hole!
Sorry.
Anyway, I'm so glad you're all here.
It really means the world to me.
And you two -
all the way from London.
We're so sorry.
My father loved England.
It was his favourite country.
Really? He said it was like Europe,
but in English. That's our slogan.
You still make me laugh,
even on a day like today.
Well...
Excuse me. Ah! You're here...
See you by the hole.
I'll just say
a quick hello to Carol.
What were you trying to say to me?
I didn't know Beverly's never been
to your apartment.
This is important why? I was talking
about a chair in your bedroom. OK.
Oh! I'm really sorry.
I wasn't even thinking.
Don't apologise.
You did nothing wrong.
Well... No. You were allowed to be
there. It's not like I was cheating.
I guess. Yeah, we're separated.
I can do whatever I want.
I'm perfectly within my rights.
Why do you sound guilty?
Because I am.
So sorry. Thank you.
Hey...
You're here. You holding up OK?
I've probably hugged 400 people
already!
Let's make it 401.
Sounds good to me.
So sorry for your loss.
I wanna kiss your neck. Mmm.
You feel so good.
And now it's too long.
He's in a better place.
How are you?
Hello again. William Shatner's here.
The real William Shatner?
The real William Shatner!
Please tell me you didn't do
your impression. Inside I was like,
"You Klingon bastard! You killed my
son!" Stop it! Today is sad enough.
Oh, by the way,
thank you so much for this.
You're welcome. Happy birthday.
Sorry. I just got it today.
Ah. I was wondering
when you didn't say anything.
I thought
maybe I'd got the wrong thing.
God, no. I love it. It's perfect.
Oh.
What?
What time do you have? Quarter to.
Why? It's 20 minutes behind.
Oh, did I not mention it's a piece
of shit? Put that in the card.
I'll get it fixed.
So...
Hm? Morning was saying something
about a conversation
she had with you... Yep.
Where she mentioned to you that,
um... she'd been in my apartment.
You don't owe me any explanation.
I really don't. I just said that.
And I believe she said bedroom.
Right. Yeah, bedroom, yeah.
But since you brought it up... Yeah.
This was when? On my birthday.
So you weren't alone? Good, good.
For what it's worth, I was
only with her the one time. Mm.
So you were actually... with her...
with her? I assumed, but...
I w-was with her.
I was with her. I was with her.
With her I was. I can't stop!
Try!
So just to clarify... Yeah. Go.
This wasn't something that was
going on back when... Right.
I thought there might be something
going on? No. Cos I was thinking,
"Mmm! Maybe I wasn't so crazy."
No, you were.
Oh, good. So I see no reason
to feel guilty. Absolutely none.
After what happened with you and...
Yes. I totally agree.
It's not like we're even together.
No. We're not together.
We, we are... not.
If everyone is ready,
it's time to begin.
What's wrong?
No, it's silly.
Tell me.
I just always assumed that...
that when I died you'd be there.
Or if you died, I'd be there.
Now I'm thinking
who knows? Maybe not.
Oh.
Told you it was silly.
It's OK. He had a full life.
There's an old Hebrew proverb.
Say not in grief he is no more,
but live in thankfulness
that he was.
I know everyone here today
is thankful that Leo Lapidus
touched our lives.
For 49 years he was a devoted
husband to our Selma,
he was a loving father to Mindy
and to Merc and he adored his
grandchildren - Sam, Tess, Emma,
Brett and Rose. But he'd
trade you all in a heartbeat
for an eight handicap.
It's OK. It's all right to laugh.
Leo wanted to leave us laughing.
May his memory endure among us
as a blessing.
I'm so sorry!
I thought it was turned off.
Who was it? Everyone is here.
- Matthew Broderick's agent.
- That fucker didn't come?
- I'll tell you later.
- What? Tell me now.
Broderick's available.
Seriously?
NBC couldn't close the deal.
Get him back.
Now?!
Hold for Merc Lapidus.
Sorry. This is important.
Yeah. Merc. Right.
last night. I had to tell you!
Hope this is OK.
I was dropping something off.
How did Sean like the watch?
I didn't want to put him on the spot
so I had a PA put it in his car.
Al the camera guy saw you
making out with Morning last week.
Should we talk about what happened?
I had fun. Me, too.
That's it? Pretty much.
See you tomorrow.
I should probably get that.
I totally disagree.
Sorry.
Hello?
No, actually I'm... in the car.
Why?
Oh, my God.
When?
Does Merc know?
OK. Tell him I'll meet him at home.
All right, bye.
That was my assistant.
Merc's father died. Jesus.
That sucks. Well, he's been
in a coma for the last month, so...
I guess it's kind of a blessing.
Still... I'm really sorry.
I should go.
Like... this minute?
Seriously,
my husband's father just died.
No, absolutely, but...
it's not like you can
bring the old guy back.
And isn't this really
a time to celebrate the living?
You're making a really plaintive
face right now, aren't you? I am.
And you should see what this guy's
doing. It would break your heart.
Ohhh...
There you go.
'What's another word for cock?'
What's wrong with "cock"?
You can't say "cock" on TV here.
No? Hmm. How about "prick"?
Nope. Seriously? No "prick"?
No "prick". How about "dick"?
No. "Knob"?
I don't think so. "Meat missile".
"Meat missile"?!
That's what the nuns called it.
Hey...
What do you call a cock?
A cock.
Right. Anything else?
Something we can say on television.
Noodle. Noodle?
That's what I call my boyfriend's.
Wow. He sounds quite the stud.
He's on anti-depressants.
Oh, sorry.
Is that it?
Actually, you came in here.
Oh, yeah. The network called.
They want to move the table read
to tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Why? Merc Lapidus'
father died and they all have to go
to the funeral today.
Oh, that's sad.
OK, well, just let the stage know.
OK.
Do you want to send something?
Like flowers or something?
Er... should we? I dunno.
Maybe. We could call Carol and ask.
Could you get us Carol? Huh?
Carol.
OK.
I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
You've met him. The gloomy chap
with the disappointing dong.
Dong. Good idea!
Carol Rance on two!
- Hi, Carol!
- 'Hold for Carol, please.'
- 'Hi, guys!'
- Hi, Carol!
Hope we didn't mess you up too much.
No, that's fine. We're just sorry
about Merc's father. 'I know.'
Don't get old.
And if you do, don't have a stroke.
We were just wondering,
should we send flowers or something?
Flowers are always nice,
but you shouldn't feel obligated.
Really.
'Sorry for the chewing.'
Phil Rosenthal sent Merc
this ginormous condolence spread
from Zabar's in New York. Ohh!
'I swear, the bagels were still
warm.' So people are sending food?
'No, not everybody.'
A few people sent platters,
a muffin basket is always nice,
but honestly don't feel any
pressure. My God! They just brought
in a turkey the size of a Prius.
I hate it when people die.
I get so fat.
"What better way to remember
a friend or loved one
"than this thoughtful bereavement
basket overflowing with scrumptious
mini muffins,
"decadent chocolate brownies,
butter toffee pretzels
and snickerdoodle cookies,
"wrapped in cellophane and tied
with a tasteful black bow?
"The entire family will appreciate
your gesture of peace and sympathy.
"Caution:
This product may contain nuts."
What's up?
Trying to decide what to send Merc.
Smart. Can I get in on that? Sure.
What are you thinking?
Carol suggested a muffin basket.
She's an idiot.
Muffins went out, like, 10 years
ago. Can I leave? Yeah.
Not for the day, though.
Oh.
So if not a muffin basket...?
We should cater a whole dinner.
A whole dinner? For how many?
I don't know. 50, 75. They probably
have a ton of people at their house.
Doesn't that seem excessive?
If our ratings were great, we could
send cat piss and a bag of Doritos.
Mmm! But with our numbers, we can't
be the cheap assholes who sent
the shitty little muffin basket.
So we're catering a dinner for 75
people?! What happened to "somebody
dies, dig a hole, bury them"?
It's like dealing with cave people.
It's just so hard.
I should be with him today.
His father died.
I know. 'I should he holding him
and comforting him.'
I should be helping him pick out
a casket. You KNOW I would be better
at it than she is,
which I realise isn't saying a lot.
Well, you get to see him
at the funeral, no?
'Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.'
Oh, God. I've got to hear a pitch.
Some guy's got a TV movie about
his father's triumph over autism.
It's supposed to be inspiring.
I am SO not in the mood!
'Bye.'
Look familiar? Weirdly, yes.
I gave them some pictures of our
first flat to use as inspiration.
Oh, my God. Just imagine a brick
wall there and the smell of curry!
My ex-wife calling and hanging up.
Ah, good times.
They were.
Hey...
bad news on the catering thing.
We're too late. Mark Burnett's doing
tonight from the Grill. Tomorrow,
Universal is sending deli.
And some asshole from Warner Bros
took Friday. We're back to muffins?
We were never on muffins!
Anyway, I called Jamie and asked
if she had any ideas. Jamie who?
Lapidus.
What?
What? That look.
What look? No look.
We've been...
kinda seeing each other.
Who? Me and Jamie. Well, I've been
seeing her. She hasn't seen...
Blind jokes? Really?
Hey, she makes 'em! Oh, my God!
You and Jamie Lapidus?
For how long? A few weeks.
Started the night of our premiere.
She gave me a handjob
during the screening. A handjob?!
During our show? Relax.
It's not like she was watching it.
I was sitting right next to you.
Gotta say - her side, much better.
You really are horrifying.
What is it with you and
other people's wives? Yeah, yeah.
He's been all over me for that.
Well...
Anyway, I spoke to Jamie and there's
a couple of charities they suggest
people make donations to.
That's better than catering.
What charities? One helps homeless
people get tattoos removed.
That is the stupidest cause ever.
I think it's for gang tattoos,
stuff that stops them getting jobs.
What was the other thing?
Canadian geese.
What about them? I don't know! Ah!
It doesn't matter.
These are the ones they picked.
We just say, "Look, money!"
This is the worst chase scene ever.
How big a donation are we talking?
Like a hundred?
No. Who are you people? It's
got to be at least a grand. What?!
$1,000?! For geese?! And will they
even know how much we're giving?
The geese? Merc and his family.
I don't know, but in case they do
know, we've got to give a lot.
- I'm just going to check the back.
- Sure.
Hey, you guys! Do we all want to go
to this funeral together?
We weren't planning on going.
Everybody's going. Who's everybody?
From all the shows on the network.
Oh, shit. Really? I'm getting texts.
Carol didn't say anything about it.
Duh! They never say it.
It's the right thing to do. You
didn't say that when my Aunt Harriet
died. She didn't run a network.
Hey. OK, that was my agent. I've
got to go to this fucking funeral.
Thank you. He also said a charitable
donation is too impersonal.
So now what? Jerry Bruckheimer
donated a dialysis machine to Cedars
in Merc's father's name.
Jesus! I know,
but he's a partner in some dialysis
company so he gets them at cost.
Wow. David Kelley and Michelle
Pfeiffer are planting a tree.
Oh, those fuckers!
Wow. What do you think?
You look like you're on the news.
Thank you! The rental car company
sent this over. It was under
the seat when you turned the car in.
We don't have time for extensions?
No. Oh, well. OK. Just...
Oh, my God.
Don't you love this sofa?
Ooh, very nice. Shopping for a sofa?
No, I'm just really into catalogues.
I could read 'em all day.
So you count this as reading?
It's got words.
Ha. What?
Look familiar?
The chair? Uh-huh.
I don't think so. Isn't that
the one Sean has in his bedroom?
I can't help you. I've never
actually been in Sean's bedroom.
Oh.
Hey.
Ooh, nice.
Did I give you that? No, you did
not! I gave out a bunch last year.
It's a vintage Breitling. Yeah.
If you want a few more, let me know.
Will do. Oh, man. This is going to
be weird at this thing today.
Being with Jamie in front of Merc.
But easier than the last time,
with no orgasms.
You've never been with a blind girl,
right? No! It's good.
You don't have to suck in the gut.
There's a bonus. I went out
with this deaf chick. Smoking hot.
But it was a little weird
when she'd do the dirty talk.
She was like, "Fuck me."
Stop! I'm just saying. "Fuck me.
Put your finger in my ass."
Ssh! Just shush.
"I like..." Shush!
"If you..." Ah! Look at you two!
Very nice. Hey!
We all clean up pretty good.
We should do something fun after.
You're assuming the funeral
won't be fun.
I think I got you in trouble.
What? I put my foot in it.
Hello?
My friend Carrie just got to
the cemetery. She says it's packed.
Hm. When we get there, just make
sure Merc sees you. And it wouldn't
hurt if you could cry a little.
Are you serious? I probably will cry
thinking about when my parents die.
Do you ever think about that? I do,
all the time. How old are they?
My mom's 91 and Dad's 93.
How is that even possi...?
Oh, right.
I never think about me dying.
Do you guys?
More so lately.
Do you think if you died the other
Friends would come to your funeral?
Yeah, I think they'd come.
Even Jennifer?
Yeah, even Jennifer.
God, can you imagine the press?
All of you together again.
Well, not YOU.
Right. Cos I'd be dead.
Sure, but still...
Still... I'd be dead.
I hope I'm still famous when I die.
Kinda playing fast and loose
with the word "famous", no?
When I first got out here
I went to Orson Welles' funeral.
Really? You knew Orson Welles? Nah.
My publicist got me in.
I couldn't believe I was there.
It was like a real Hollywood
funeral. Jimmy Stewart, Bob Hope,
Bette Davis.
The biggest fucking coffin
you ever saw. That guy was huge!
I'm standing next to this woman.
She's, like, in her 50s,
sort of looks familiar.
No one's paying any attention to
her. Turns out it's Gloria Haywood.
Who's Gloria Haywood? Exactly!
We started talking
and she's had this amazing life.
A big affair with Bing Crosby.
She won an Oscar for
Best Supporting Actress in 1950.
35 years later,
no one knows who the fuck she is.
We went out for a drink and ended up
back at her apartment, this shitty
little two-room place off Fountain.
She had this ratty dog who
watched us screwing all afternoon.
It was my first celebrity fuck.
Hm. I just remember thinking,
"Well, at least now
someone will remember you."
A couple of years ago I googled her
to see if she was still alive.
Turns out someone called Josephine
Hull won the Oscar in 1950.
So who was Gloria Haywood? Hell if I
know! Some nutjob who gave me crabs!
She gave you crabs? Mm-hm.
But... I learned
a valuable lesson that day.
How to get rid of crabs? Yep.
It's come in handy more than once.
Ah! Hey, I can't believe he's gone.
I know. It's the end of an era.
What are you doing?! Put those away!
If he sees you! I know, but...
I just got a text from a friend.
Matthew Broderick fell out of
his NBC deal this morning.
His people are shopping him around.
I don't care. There's a time
and place... Matthew Broderick!
Ferris Bueller? The Producers?
Inspector Gadget.
First of all, I already know this.
I have a call in to the agent.
More important, today is not
about work. Merc's father died.
We have to be here for him.
I totally hear you.
Sorry. Yeah, sorry.
What got up her ass?
Thanks so much for coming.
It means a lot.
Wow. Nice turnout.
OK, there's Merc. Let's do this.
You're here!
How could we not be?
Matty. My pop's gone.
I'm sorry, man.
I still can't believe it.
I bet he was really proud of you.
He was. And, you know,
we didn't speak for, like, 12 years.
When was this? Oh, long time ago.
Caught him cheating on my mom. Wow.
So I called the IRS on him,
told them how he was cooking
his books and he was indicted.
Jeez. Every family has their stuff.
Hey, you!
- You met him, didn't you?
- Just once. He was a sweetie.
- Didn't he grab your ass?
- He was so full of life!
Not so much any more. Hey!
You got one job - to keep her
from falling in the goddamned hole!
Sorry.
Anyway, I'm so glad you're all here.
It really means the world to me.
And you two -
all the way from London.
We're so sorry.
My father loved England.
It was his favourite country.
Really? He said it was like Europe,
but in English. That's our slogan.
You still make me laugh,
even on a day like today.
Well...
Excuse me. Ah! You're here...
See you by the hole.
I'll just say
a quick hello to Carol.
What were you trying to say to me?
I didn't know Beverly's never been
to your apartment.
This is important why? I was talking
about a chair in your bedroom. OK.
Oh! I'm really sorry.
I wasn't even thinking.
Don't apologise.
You did nothing wrong.
Well... No. You were allowed to be
there. It's not like I was cheating.
I guess. Yeah, we're separated.
I can do whatever I want.
I'm perfectly within my rights.
Why do you sound guilty?
Because I am.
So sorry. Thank you.
Hey...
You're here. You holding up OK?
I've probably hugged 400 people
already!
Let's make it 401.
Sounds good to me.
So sorry for your loss.
I wanna kiss your neck. Mmm.
You feel so good.
And now it's too long.
He's in a better place.
How are you?
Hello again. William Shatner's here.
The real William Shatner?
The real William Shatner!
Please tell me you didn't do
your impression. Inside I was like,
"You Klingon bastard! You killed my
son!" Stop it! Today is sad enough.
Oh, by the way,
thank you so much for this.
You're welcome. Happy birthday.
Sorry. I just got it today.
Ah. I was wondering
when you didn't say anything.
I thought
maybe I'd got the wrong thing.
God, no. I love it. It's perfect.
Oh.
What?
What time do you have? Quarter to.
Why? It's 20 minutes behind.
Oh, did I not mention it's a piece
of shit? Put that in the card.
I'll get it fixed.
So...
Hm? Morning was saying something
about a conversation
she had with you... Yep.
Where she mentioned to you that,
um... she'd been in my apartment.
You don't owe me any explanation.
I really don't. I just said that.
And I believe she said bedroom.
Right. Yeah, bedroom, yeah.
But since you brought it up... Yeah.
This was when? On my birthday.
So you weren't alone? Good, good.
For what it's worth, I was
only with her the one time. Mm.
So you were actually... with her...
with her? I assumed, but...
I w-was with her.
I was with her. I was with her.
With her I was. I can't stop!
Try!
So just to clarify... Yeah. Go.
This wasn't something that was
going on back when... Right.
I thought there might be something
going on? No. Cos I was thinking,
"Mmm! Maybe I wasn't so crazy."
No, you were.
Oh, good. So I see no reason
to feel guilty. Absolutely none.
After what happened with you and...
Yes. I totally agree.
It's not like we're even together.
No. We're not together.
We, we are... not.
If everyone is ready,
it's time to begin.
What's wrong?
No, it's silly.
Tell me.
I just always assumed that...
that when I died you'd be there.
Or if you died, I'd be there.
Now I'm thinking
who knows? Maybe not.
Oh.
Told you it was silly.
It's OK. He had a full life.
There's an old Hebrew proverb.
Say not in grief he is no more,
but live in thankfulness
that he was.
I know everyone here today
is thankful that Leo Lapidus
touched our lives.
For 49 years he was a devoted
husband to our Selma,
he was a loving father to Mindy
and to Merc and he adored his
grandchildren - Sam, Tess, Emma,
Brett and Rose. But he'd
trade you all in a heartbeat
for an eight handicap.
It's OK. It's all right to laugh.
Leo wanted to leave us laughing.
May his memory endure among us
as a blessing.
I'm so sorry!
I thought it was turned off.
Who was it? Everyone is here.
- Matthew Broderick's agent.
- That fucker didn't come?
- I'll tell you later.
- What? Tell me now.
Broderick's available.
Seriously?
NBC couldn't close the deal.
Get him back.
Now?!
Hold for Merc Lapidus.
Sorry. This is important.
Yeah. Merc. Right.