Endangered Species (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Pillow Fight of the Century - full transcript

After Merl is crushed in a pillow fight by Gull, Pickle trains him boxing-movie-montage style for an epic pillow fighting rematch.

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♪ Let's go on
an adventure! ♪

♪ That isn't very wise! ♪

[laughs]

I love you guys.

Whaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

♪ This is getting crazier! ♪

♪ It's like we're
Endangered.... ♪

♪ Species! ♪

[laugh]



[giggles]

Hey! These pillow feathers are
tickling MY feathers.

[giggles]

[giggles]

Missed me,

missed me,

[dazed]
Uhh, nice swing

[Laughs]

What is the meaning of
this mess!?

Pillow-fighting!

Gull was winning though,
again.

Pillow-whating?

Hey, join in Merl.

We've got a third pillow.



No Merl, Gull is too good!

He'll pillow pound ya to--

Wait a minuto!

That is MY PILLOW!

[growls]

UGH!!!!!!!

Whoa merl!

Have you always been
that fast?

With foot speed like that,
you could be

a top notch pillow fighter!

Let's see you swing a pillow.

Swiiiing!

UGH!!!!!!!!!

I didn't mean YOU gull.

[Mumbled groaning]

Get up!

Take a swing Merl!

Swing? The pillow?

DO IT!

Well, okay.

[grunt]

Taaaake that... and this...
and this... and--

[wheezes]

[Laugh]

Why do you make
the laughing?

Your arms, Merl!

[laughs]

They swing like a couple of limp
pool noodles!

[laugh]

Mmmm... Pool noodles.

Pool noodles!

[laughs]

I need them in my tummy!

UGH!!!!!!

You're not gonna let him get
away with that, are ya!?

Get up!

[grunt]

Give him some of
that rapid foot speed

and pillow fight him back!

It is fine.

I, umm, slipped.

Yes it is very slippery
in here.

I ain't buyin' it.

I'm training you
for the rematch!

Rematch?

What is this rematch?

Only the biggest pillow-fight
this stump has ever seen.

The pillow fight of the century!

Merl versus Gull: The
Battle for the Stump.

It's back stroke
meets sun stroke.

Macadamia meets
mac 'n' cheese.

Hang-onto-yer-wigs-folks!

Ummm, helloooo!

Still hungry over here.

I can't find ANY limp noodles,
OR mac ún' cheese.

There he goes again Merl.

He's just askin' for it--

and you're the one
who's gonna BRING IT!

Oh? The noodles?

No.

Mac & Cheese?

No, The Pillow-fightin'
SACK-DOWN!

You're gonna clean his clock,
Merl!

Well, I like the cleaning.

Yes!! You'll settle this
tomorrow night.

The lights!

The cameras!

The action!

It'll be a HUGE event!

Yay!

An event!

Maybe there'll be food!

Mmmm pool noodles!

[slurp]

Heyyy!

[snoring and muttering]

[startles]

Rise n' shine, tough guy!

[screams]
AHHH!!!

Eat up!

Champions need fuel!

[gasp]

What is this?

EVERY piece of food we had
in the kitchen!

You're gonna eat lighting
and FART thunder!

Fart thunder...?

Less talky, more eaty.

[gags]

Ooh!

Free food!!!

[gulps]

[burps]

Mmm-Mmm!

Did you try this, Merl!?

Don't take it from him,
Iron Merl.

That's what he wants
you to do...

Eat a bunch of crud that'll
slow ya down and make ya sick.

Blergh!

But, wait--

YOU just tried
to MAKE ME EAT IT!--

Forget the past, Cashew Clay!

You gotta focus
on your future.

Ayyyy!!!!

That's some good walkin' there,
Nutcracker.

But it ain't good enough!

Who is this Cracker
of the Nuts?

And why is it you do
this to me?

Startin' your trainin' easy!

First beanbags, and then
we work you up to a pillow.

But bean bags are
a heavier--

Goh!

[groans]

I think you're
gonna need...

A TRAINING MONTAGE!

All aboard the pain train.

HOOT! HOOT!

[struggling]

Come on Merl!

[grunt]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Ey, helicoptero!

[grunts]

Yes!

[grunts]

That's the spirit,
ya beach-nut bruiser!

♪ The CRY-ha-ha-hiiiiii
of the Squirrel! ♪

Gull!

You're ruining our montage!

Woop.

Sorry.

See you tonight, Merl!

It's here, folks.

The night we've all been
waiting for!

David versus Goliath.

It's the feather throwin' bout
to end all bouts.

Hi Pickle!

Hi Merl!

Ya hear that,
Acorn Assassin?

He's gonna be coming at ya
and fighting dirty.

I do not know what
ANY of this means.

It means keep your head
on a swivel.

Watch your blind spot.

If this guy has his way,
you'll be singin'

♪ soprano ♪

for the rest of your life!
Singing what?!

♪ Soprano! ♪

Who?

Why are we singing?

Booo!

Merl's a bum! A hack!

Don't listen to em',
Hazelnut Hellhound!

You're no bum!

You're a bum!

But, wasn't that just a--

No time for questions!

You're an animal.

You're a beast!

Look at him swing!

He's got the killer instinct
I tells ya!

Good luck Merl!

I hope you win!

See how he mocks you??

Ladies n' gentlemen,
boys n' girls,

children of all ages,

welcome to the pillow fight
of the century!

Let's meet our combatants.

In the blue corner:

10 pounds of raw power,
the unbeatable villain...

Gullllllll!

[chuckles]

I'm a villain.

In the red corner: the underdog,
the perennial weakling,

the limp-wristed,
frail, glass jawed, feeble--

Enough!!

Right...

Merl the Nutcracker Iron
Acorn Macadamia Ali Buddy

Beechnut Cashew Pistachio
of Pain--!

It's just...

"Merlllll!"

Let's get ready
to PILLOW!

Touch Pillows.

I wanna clean fight.

Ya keep it above the waist,
ya hear me?

None of this!

Oooh!

And none of that!

Go Merl!

You can do it!

See that look champ?

That's the look of
a wild beast.

Errr?

But he's only got the beast
in his eyes.

Now you, you gots
it right here.

[Roars]

Release the beaaaassst!

But wait, they haven't rung
da bell yet!

[grunts]

[laughs]

Don't fall for it, kid.

He's faking you out!

[bell]

Eh?

[grunts]

Oh, sooo peaceful.

Sooo beautiful.

Nutty Buddy?

What're you doing --

[grunts]

Peeka-boo, I see you.

D'oh!

Don't worry about it kid.

Ya got plenty more rounds
to go.

[Chuckles]

Hi!

[war cry]
Yaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

[grunts]

Oooh!

Ohhh...

[grunts]

Wow! That went fast.

Alright kid, this rounds
for all the marbles.

Go wit-yer instincts.

Do what feels natural
out there.

Remember that
training montage way back?

Your speed is the KEY!

Looks like the clock's
about to hit midnight

for this Cinderella story.

Must...

keep...

swinging...

[grunts]

Noooooooo!

[grunts]

Hang it in there,
keep circling!

Now go PILLOW HIM!

The move of the, helicoptero!

AHHHH!!!!!!

Swiiiiing!

[DING, DING, DING]

It's over! It's over!

The NEW champion
of the stump!

I...

won?

HA! I won!

I won!

Your NEW champion!

Gull?!?

But he knocked himself out?!?

Yes, and he WON
by a knockout.

This, it does not make
the sense.

He won AND he lost?!?

And me?

You?

Well, you get your picture
on the cover of newspapers

around the world,

making the most ridiculous
face ever!!!

Huh?!?!!??!

The most important, buttery
meal of the day,

your name is...

Breakfast!

Breakfast!!!

She is served.

[snarfing]

Mmmm...demishous.

[moans]

Uh, perhaps I put too much of
myself into the preparation.

[slurps]

Hey ya-Merl!

What's for breakfast?

Something sure smells...really,

really...really,
really...really, really good!

Gull! NO!

Haltamente!

[grunts]

And why is it just
Merl

who crashes into
the breakfastissimo?

Air brakes.

Uh? Hey?

Air brakes!

[gasps]

Gull!!!

[grunts]

Oh...

[moans]

Merl!

Any eggs left?

[grunts]

Gull!

Why is it that you are
always getting into the
accidentes?

But I am the one
who gets hurt?

Accidents?

This stump would have
a perfect safety record,

if not for you!

Nooo!!!

[giggles]

You must be thinking
of someone else, Merl...

Ahhh!

Gull?

Can you bring me a harmless
cup of orange juice?

Sure thing Merl!

Hmmm.

Ah! There it is!

Mmmm...

[giggles]

Hamburgers...

[screams]

Guuuullllll!!!

Hey.

It was deadly poison
all along!

And you wasted it.

For shame Merl.

[screams]

For shame!

[grunts]

Huh? No wonder my socks
are all torn up!

[jackhammering sounds]

No Gull!

You will harm the polish
of the floor board.

[grunts]

Oh yai yai yai!!!

[screams]

Worst pedicure ever.

Merl!

Huh?

Check out what I found
at the dump!

Si, si, nice whatever it is
you have there Gu-

[explosion]

[screams]

You see?

The flashback,
she never lies!

You are always
causing accidents!

You accident prone,
clumsy guy!

[giggles]

You must be thinking
of someone else, Merl...

Ay ay ay!

El spidero muy gigante!

[screams]

Give him a break Merl...

[screams]

He doesn't mean
to be accident-prone!

[screams]

Besides, that flashback
made it look like

you were the accident-prone
one...

[grunts]

Hiyatai!

I don't remember asking
the bunny for advice!

Something must be done
about Gull's danger!

Don't do it, Merl...

don't mess with powers
you don't understand...

Hmp!

I will gull-proof the stump,
for maximum safety!

[grunts]

[laughs]

Wahoo!

This is really fun Merl!

But, uh, don't you think
you went a little overboard.

All I have done, was make
the stump safe from Gull.

This will prevent many
of the shattered bones!

And look what else.

No more of the burnt fur.

And, no more falling down
the stairs.

Every inch of the stump,
they are now...

Gull-proofed!

Now to test them!

Remember children,

do not try this at home!
The safety, yes?

[bell ringing]

[sniffing]

Finally! It's Bell-ringing time!

Oh yeah!!!

[grunts]

New safety feature!

TABLE AIRBAGS!

[giggles]

Just what I was hankering for:

GIANT, MUTANT LIMA BEANS!

No Gull, OBJECTO!

DO NOT EAT th--

UGH!!!!

[moans]

[grunts]

UGH!!!!

Ooooh.

So that's what it's like
to get hurt.

[doorbell]

OH! I'll get it

[growls]

Whoop! It's the mail!

Ok, let's see...

Merl, Merl, Merl,
Merl, Merl, Merl, Merl...

Oh, ah, one for Merl.

[screams]
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wheezes]

Merl, are you ok?

Blergh.

I made it worse!

Don't you see Merl.

The safer the stump is--

the more dangerous it is...
for BOTH of you!

You're right Pickle.

I-I see it now!

We must gull-proof--

THE GULL!

Hey...how'm I supposed
to make my three o'clock

hot chocolate now?

The less of the moving around
from you,

the safer it will be for me.

[muttering]

Hot, hot,
it's so hot!

[Screams]
GULLLL!

So much for your
cushions MERL!

Oh, nice tan by the way.

Whoa....If I didn't see it,
I wouldn't believe it.

[sighs]

I knew I'd be locked up

in a giant, cored-out
watermelon one day...

[gulp]

[grunts]

Pianomente el Crashante!?

Seriously?!!!

[grunts]

[gasps]

[moans]

[piano playing]

[nervous gasp]

Looks like rain.

Weee!

Awesome!!!

[giggles]

[nervous panting]

[grunts]

I made it! Safe and sound!

[applause]

Hmm. Usually, in scenarios
like this, one last piano,

she would fall, mocking my
"safe and sound" remark...

Well, no more pianos.

He-that's a rel--

Time served!!!

I can feel the fun again.

This makes no sense.

[whines]

Merl!

I toldya not to mess around
with him.

Gull-proofing does more harm
than good.

Observe.

What could possibly be safer

than a simple bowl
of apple-sauce.

But in the hands of Gull...
eat up buddy.

[gulps]

[screams]

It's in my eye!

There's apple in my eye!

[screams]
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Oh!

[screams]
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sobbing]

Why apple-sauce?!

[sobbing]

Why?!!!

Have you ever seen anyone
so unsafe,

while actually doing
something safe?

Now, check this out...

When it comes to dangerous,

there is nothing more deadly,

than a bowl of
flesh-eating piranhas.

Ay-yai-yai-yai!

Pickle?

What are you--

Ssshhh.

Merl!

[sings]

Hey Gull!

Thought you might like some
cute little goldfish

to keep you company
while you take your bath.

Oh sure.

The more the merrier.

[giggles]

That...That tickles.

[giggles]

[giggles]

Oh, whoops.

Hehe, not a very lively
bunch are they?

Can it be?

I am not injured.

I do believe myself
to be dreaming.

What'd I tell ya Merl.

Gull is safer around
deadly piranhas,

than he is around apple-sauce.

[gasps]

All we do is make the stump
the most dangerous place

on the planet and you'll never
be sore again!

Of course!

Gull, the more dangerosso he is,
the more safer he is.

Exactly.

I-- understand.

The Gull-de-proofing...

she starts now!

[yawns]

Oh, Guuuuysss...are
you done working yet?!

I'm loooonely, and whiiiiiining
so muuuuuch.

Seeeeee?

[yawns]

Yup.

Gull is only in danger
around safe stuff.

But he's just fine around
incredibly dangerous stuff.

You are el Genioso Pickle!

Everything worked out fine!

Except

[gulp]

for the incredibly
dangerous items

we have placed in every
inchito of the Stump.

Ooohh, what have we done?

Guys! Look what I found!

[gasps]

[sings]

[giggles]

So...dangerous...so...unsafe!

No Merl! Fight it!

For your own good!

This goes against
every fiber of my being.

I cannot do it!

The danger...she must
be stopped!

Gull!!!

[screams]
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!