Endangered Species (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - My Best Friend Schlitzy - full transcript

♪ Let's go on
an adventure! ♪

♪ That isn't very wise! ♪

[laughs]

I love you guys.

Whaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

♪ This is getting crazier! ♪

♪ It's like we're
Endangered.... ♪

♪ Species! ♪

[hammering]



Like my new closet,
Merl?

Uh Pickle, this,
it is no closet.

It is a "skylight."

Hmmm

[screams]
Sky closet!!!!!!!!!!

YEE-HA!

[grunts]

And if you like
my "sky closet" --

I do not.

-- you're REALLY gonna
love my --

AAHHH!!

"Floor Closet"!

[low grumble]

[laughing]



Oh that was so funny, Shlitzy!

[grunt]

So... what do you think
of the place?

Not bad, Gull!

You'll be totally stylin'
once you get rid of this

rodent infestation.

Oh, hahahah.

No, no, no, those
aren't rodents!

This is my fam-bily!

No way!

OH! My bad...

Gull... You have
the new "friend," yes?

Ooh sorry!

Yes!

Merl, Pickle...

This...is Shlitzy.

Ooh! He's so cute!

Where'd ya "meet him," Gull?

Pffft. Only in the most
exclusive dumpster in town!

♪

I'd been tryin' to get
in there for weeks...

but I could never get
past security.

Until today.

Aw, mope.

HEY!

[screaming]

Sorry... I didn't see you there!

Oh! Hey! You ok
there little guy?

[nervous laugh]

Guess I'll just go in then.

Wow, what a classy dump!

[growl]

I was just minding
my own beeswax...

[slurp]
Mmmm!

...when I caught the eye of
this feller across the room.

Here's your eye back,
feller!

Well it's nice to meet you,
feller.

Nice to meet you, too!

[giggles]

So, you come here
And from that moment on,

we were the bestest of friends!

Soooo, you brought home
the stinky corn cob

from the dumpster?

Uhhh, corn cob?

He means me, Gull.

That's all they see
when they gaze upon

The Shlitz-ter.

Others are smart enough
to look past

the half-eaten kernels
and moldy cob parts.

They can see...
The Real Me.

Awww...

All I see is one big ol' cob
o' sweet-corn, Shlitzy!

Thanks, cutie.

You're pretty sweet
yourself.

And ya got some GREAT
decorating ideas!

What?!

She put the closet in the floor
and the closet in the ceiling!

This, you say it is
the "great idea," Gull?

Um...

I didn't say anything, Merl.
Yes, but Gull...

you make the corn
do the talking, yes?

I do?

No, I don't.

[laughs]

Do I?

I don't know what he's
talkin' about neither, Gull.

But I'll keep my eye on him
for ya.

I'm watchin' ya, Mister.

Unlike you...

I...never...blink.

[growls]

[screams]
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

It is just a CORN COB!

Pickle...? Pickle?

Over here Merl.

In the grotto.

Pickle? What is this
beneath the sink?

Ya wanted to spruce
the ol' place up,

so I got rid of all that mold
and scum beneath the sink

and built us a grotto.

Refreshment?

Nah.

Ahhh!

What is this now?

Oh, that's just
the sink draining.

How d'ya think I fill
the grotto?

Hellooo?

Hey! Is somebody down the drain?

[gasp]

Ugh, it's just that
uptight squirrel--

[surprised]
WHAT?

--- who calls himself
your friend.

Ay-yi-yi!

Do you hear this, Pickle?

[chuckling]
Well...

you are a bit uptight.

Dios mio, the bird,
making the corn speak...

This must be his cry
for help!

And I shall help him.

Do you REALLY think I got
the smaller bed, Shlitzy?

Oh, abso-cobbin'-lutely!

And look at the state
of your sheets --

they're absolutely filthy!

It's my special "memory dirt."

[sniffs]

Ahhh, I remember that.
[clears throat]

Merl?

Ughh...

What does that control freak
want us to do this time?

Gull, everything...

It is okay, yes?

Why d'ya ask?

Because he, thinks
that you're a mess, Gull.

A mess!

I do not do the speaking to you,
Señor Cob of the Corn!!!

I mean...

Gull... you do not need the corn
of the cob to speak to me

if you have the issues, yes?

Oh okay.

Hey, but-but what's
an "ish-yooooo?"

It's like when they start
doing all these repairs

for themselves,
and NOTHING for you.

What?

This, it is no true!

OH yeah?

Gull, what's your absolute
favorite part of the stump?

Well, I useta like lickin'
all that dirt 'n' scum

beneath the sink.

And now they cleaned it up!

Whaaaaaaat?

Even my flavor scum?

Well, yes, but...

Ha!

They're moving walls
and closets.

The next thing you know
they'll be movin' YOU out, Gull!

[gasp]

[whines]

No, Gull. It is just
the repairs...

Merl.

Do not kick me

[sobbing]
...out of our...

[sobbing]
home!

But I didn't...

And I'm not...

And you just--

AHHHHH!

AIIII!

Gull needs you, Pickle!

NOW!

[grunt]

Why ya shoutin' in
the sink, Merl?

I'm up here, in the sky closet.

Of course...

The worst repairs ever --

and now they make Gull think

we are doing the kicking of
him out!

What?!!

Lemme talk to him...

[grumble]

[weeping]

Hey!

Oh!

Where ya goin', Gull?
Nowhere.

No! You're movin' out!

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

"I'm moving out!"

Huh?

Sayonara, suckers!

Me and the brainless bird
are outta here.

Whoaa-ho-ho-ho...

Hold on a sec there,
Shlitz-o.

It's one thing to call me
and Merl names,

but NO ONE messes
with our pal Gull!

Really?

And now...

time to rearrange
your niblets!

Come on! Bring it on!

Whaddya' got?

AHHH.

[grunt]

Nobody beats the Shlitz-ter!

[fighting grunts]

Ha! You missed me.

Is that all ya got?

[evil laugh]

He's too quick!

[grunt]

But he is on your hand!

Ha! You losers will NEVER get
rid of The Shlitz-ter.

[evil laugh]

Gull, a word, por favor...?

ALONE?!!!

[whispering] I do not
understand this, Gull,

but it seems that you have
no control over this Shlitzy

that you are now controlling.

It's like Shlitzy's
gotta mind of his own!

Plus! He's also much
smarter than me too!

Yes, that is also very strange.

You know, I could hear you!

The corn, he is all ear.

But now... we stop
the listening, yes?

[water running sounds]

The plan. It is this.

Gull, he use the bathroom.

Shlitzy, he is not looking...

And I hit him with a plunger
ún' knock him in the toilet!

You mean like this?

[shrill scream]
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[grunt]

That's "itsy"
for Shlitzy!

How does he ALWAYS find out
what we're doin'?!

Yes, it's almost like he has
someone on the "inside"

working for him.

He does?!?

Who could that be?

I know! It's you, Pickle!

No.

Merl!!!

Nope.

PiNo.e!

[Gasp]

Could it be me?!!

I told you they were
trying to get rid of you!

It's time to make that
decision for yourself and leave.

You're right, Shlitzy!

We're outta here.

We gotta stop him,
Merl.

We need to get Shlitzy
away from Gull!

Agreed, but how does one pry
such a sticky character

from Gull's feathery grip.

What's the one thing
that Gull can't resist?

We're finally free of those
rodents,

let's head back to the dump,
where we belong!

Uh, I don't know about
this Shlitzy,

I've never been this far
from The Stump

without my friends before.

Hey Gull!

You wouldn't wanna leave without
a goodbye-party would ya?

No, Gull.

We'll miss sunrise
on the diaper pile.

[sing-songy]
We've got cake!

The cake is a lie!!!

I don't like the looks of this.

Mmmm, my favourite.

Marzipan feather surprise
cake.

[gasp]

with dumpster diaper icing.

[giggles]

And what would a
party be without the balloons?

Hey! Let go of me!

Yes.

Do not get too "carried away."

[snicker]

Don'cha see, Gull?

They're trying to float me away!

But it won't work.

This bird's fist is like steel!

YEAH!

He'll never let me go.

I'll ne--

wait, what my hands
are made of metal?

[gasp]

Oh, I gotta see this.

Gull! What're you doing?!

Get me down from here!
Huh?

Oh, sorry, Shlitzy.

I thought we were
best friends?

Uh...

...no.

Not really.

Ha! You'll never get rid of me!

I'll just hang up here on
the ceiling,

preying on your
silly insecurities!!

Yes, but perhaps
you did not see...

our new "sky closet?"

What? No! Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merl! You used my sky closet!

Yes, Pickle, it is not such
a bad idea after all.

Shlitzy?! Is he...g-g-g-gone?

[sniff] I'm gonna miss
the little guy.

Do not be sad, Gull.

We are your REAL friends.

And we will always be here
for yooOOOOO!

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[crash sounds]

Uh, Merl??

[grunts]

Pickle...

The dance,
it is new, yes?

It ain't no dance!

Got me an itch!

Can't reach!

Merl, scratch it, scratch it,

SCRATCH IT!

Uh... How do I put this?

No.

OOOH!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Lemme do it! Lemme do it!

"Not sanitary" Happens to be
my speciality!

Aaaah, that's better!

And now up...

[splutters] And now down
a little...

Over here?

A little to the left...
Over here?

Down more...

Over here?

Higher... Higher...Ah!

[giggles]

[laughs]
Hey! This is fun!

It's like your itch
is movin' around!

"Moving around"?!?

Just as I suspected.

Pickle, she has the flea.

A FLEA?!!!

Yes.

And where there is the flea,
there is bound to be...

...the dog!

(All): DAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

[chuckles]

Fun!

AAAWWWWWWWGGGG!!!!!

AWG!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!...

AWG!

AWG!

AWG AWG AWG!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!...

[siren wailing]

Woooo...

The safety, it is ours.

Woo!

Alright!

Woo!

Yeah!

No dogs!

Okay, Merl, but why are we
in your party room?

This? It is not the party room.

It is the panic room.

In here, we are protected by
the bomb-proof walls,

the security cameras, and
the six months of rations.

Ack! Where are the rations?!

You mean all that food that
was in there?

We ate it all up!!!

What?!!!

But these were the emergency
supplies!

For the emergency!

THIS emergency!!!

Well, Merl, if you didn't
want us to eat your panic chow,

ya shouldn't a put it
in the party room!

This is not the party room!

It is the panic room!

[maniacal laughing]

Now I get it!

A panic room is
where you panic!

AAAHH!

OH! OH!

AAAHH!

OH! OH!

Yeah, I liked it better
when it was a party room.

Wait... Not all the rations
are gone.

We have the cookie crumbs.

Yay! Crumbs!

Sweetness!

All that panickin's worked
me up an appetite!

We cannot eat them
all at once!

We ration, yes?

Stay alive.

Maybe for weeks...

and weeks!

[raspberry]

Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Those crumbs,
our last hope.

We shall be nothing be
the skin and the bones

when the dog eats us.

That'll learn him!

What's so scary
about this dog anyways?

(PIckle & Merl): "What's so
scary about the dog"?!!!

I shall never forget the first
time I saw the dog...

The park, she was
a paradise.

With the nuts. The sunshine.

Ooh! There I am...

Happy. And carefree.

[growls]

DAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWGGGGGG!!!!

We did everything we could!

We run, we stop, we stare,
we twitch,

we shake the tails!

All of our squirrel moves.

The dog, she kept coming.

[growls]

[screaming]
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow!

My story's almost úxactly
the same --

except SOOOO much better!

Only the bravest, toughest bunny
was brave and tough enough.

That'd be me.

[growls]

Dawg-rasslin' is
tough enough,

but this was that mean, monster
dog from Merl's story --

spewin' his vile toxic drool!

EEUUGGGHHHH!

So.

Much.

Drool.

[nervous laugh]

Dogs sound really fun!

I'm gonna get a look at him!
Noooo!

Gull, have you heard
NO-THING we say?

That dog'll grab you in his
mouth and go RR-RRR-RRR!

Ooh! That sounds even more FUN!

Now I've gotta see this dog!
[grunt]

[gasp]

Hello?

Hey! I can see you seeing me,
seeing you, seeing me!

[distant barking]

I know that sound.

The dog, she munch the bones
of the squirrel!

...or a bunny!

Ohhh!!!!!!!!

[whine]

Aww!

Panic Hug!

Hey! What's on camera six?

El diablo!

The most fearsome
creature alive!

The dog.

[screaming]
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaawwwww...he's adorable!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Can we go out and see
if he wants to play?

Play?

This is not a game, Gull...

This is war.

If we want to defeat the dog,
the plan, she is this:

we are trapped here.

The killing machine that
wants to eat us, she is here.

Okay. But where's the dog?

This is the dog!!!

Nutty Buddy?

Yes!

I thought you liked Nutty Buddy!

I do like Nutty Buddy!

He is stuffy and my buddy.

And he's a nut.

Awwwww...

He's as cute as that dog
out there.

I... You... It...

What Merl's tryin' to say is:

He has a plan to chase
this pooch away,

probably by messin' with his
super-sensitive sense of smell.

Right, Merl?

[awkwardly]
Uh... Yes,

this is what I was thinking.

We just need to spread
some really stinky stuff

around the stump.

The dog smells it...

[sniffing]

...and then high-tails
it outta here!

Weee!

Wow!

Nutty Buddy can fly!

The plan, it requires
something so foul...

so disgusting...

so stinkante...

that it repels the dog, yes?

Where would you ever EVER...

[loud fart]

...find something that smells
that bad?

I still don't understand
this plan,

but it's great of you guys
to help me

with my dirty socks and undies!

Ok Gull, You just keep
a look out for the dog!

Right!

If I see him I'll call out
like this -

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

That is a bird call!

Uh-huh.

And you, you are a bird.

Uh-huh.

So how do we tell
the warning call

from the plain old bird call?

Ooh! Uh...Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

No, no, no, no, try a different
warning call!

Oh! Uh...Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

I said, a different
warning call!

OOOH!

UH...Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[panting]

[screaming]
DAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

...AAAAAAAWWWWWGGGG!!!!!

And now...

The dog, he runs away going,

"Ooh, my nose! It is so smelly!

I must run away!"

[panting]

Or not.

Hey look!

[giggles]
He likes it.

Gull! You must get
out of there!!

Huh?

Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Mmmmm nope...

Still don't understand.

What?!

No birds out here.

Just a big do--

Gull!!!!

[scared]
Aaaaah!!!

That's the most horrible thing
I've ever seen!

The dog... ate Gull?!!!!

Er, no.

He didn't eat Gull, heh...

Yet.

C'mon, Merl!

We gotta go out there
and save Gull!

Yes, but let us not be
too hasty.

Maybe he has the plan,
yes?

If we do the waiting inside
we can --

I see him!

[barking]

Whoaaa...

Gull made the dog go away!

He's my hero!

[gasp]

Huh?

The dog, she is coming back!

And she has the weapon!

GULL!!!! Save yourself!!!!!!!

Wheeee!

[grunt]

Oh no!

It's turned Gull
into a chew toy.

Look!

Oh! Hey!

This is fun!

He's hugging me
with his teeth!

Huuuhhh? So he is...

[laugh]

[screaming]
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Open this door!

But you love the adventure,
no?

[gasp]

Adventure?

Yes I do!

GULL!!!!

The dog, she is leaving.

And the gull is okay.

But more importantly,
the dog is leaving!

Bye bye big doggy!

Come back and play
real soon.

I have come to do
the saving of you.

Now, where is the dog so
I can show it the what for!

[grunting]

YOWWWWW!

Come here, hero!

Ooooooh!

Wow! That doggy drool
sure is slippery!

Yep! It'll be a long time before
he comes back down.

AAAHHH!

UGH!!!!!!!!!

The dog, she is bad.