Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 14 - Family Practice - full transcript

Hey! Stop that!

- That's it, doctor!
We got to go in there!

- No, Laverne!
She can handle it.

- Listen to that!
It's unholy!

- I know!
I've been there!

- Not like this, doctor!
It was never like this!

- Excuse me!
Hey, excuse me!

Por favor, portanse bien, okay?

Yeah. por favor.

Knock it off.

I yelled at you kids
so much, I'm losin' my voice.



Hey, that's not a toy.

It's actually a very small dead man.

Dr. Max...

How did he die?

- Who?
- The little man.

He bugged me while I was
tryin' to examine his mother.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on



- You're fat!
- I'm not fat! You're fat!

No, you're fat!

We're all fat!

Now quiet down.

Marta, Dr. Weston
is calling the lab

for your test results and...

We'll take it from there.

- Doctor, help me!
I have no arms!

Well, if you're really quiet,
they'll grow back.

- Armando, mi'jo...
Please go sit down.

- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- Maxine...

- Hello, Dr. Weston.
- Hi, Mrs. Herrera.

How are you?
- You tell me.

- Doctor, help me!
I have no arms!

No!

Then how are you gonna be
in my army?

All right, everybody fall in.

We have a lollipop invasion
in the waiting room.

Bueno, vamonos!

Hup, hup, hup!
Hup, hup, hup!

Ana, could you excuse us
a moment?

Why?

Ana, please go help
Dr. Weston with the kids.

That bad?

Well, your white count's
pretty high, and...

I'm not too thrilled
with this liver-function test.

Let me check somethin'.

Now, tell me what you feel.

Ay!

I feel I should go
to a different doctor!

Yeah, my guess is gallbladder.

You might need surgery.

I'm sending you to the hospital
for some tests.

Well, I have
some vacation days coming

at the end of the month.
- Marta, this can't wait.

I went ahead and scheduled you
for 8:00 tomorrow morning.

Mama, what's wrong?

Nothing, sweetheart.

I just have to go into
the hospital for some tests.

What kind of tests?

She'll be fine.

Dr. Max?

Yes?

- I learned a story.
You want to hear it?

No.

Okay, once upon a time,
there was a little boy

back the back in hickory.

Laverne!

Somebody burning tires in here?

Sophia, you little tease!

These are my new, delectable,

fat-free, sugar-free,
wheat-free, low-sodium cookies.

What do you think
I should call them?

Crap ahoy.

Hi, everybody!

Boy!
Whoa! Cookies!

Big lunch.

Hey, Harry, you have
any plans for Saturday night?

- No.
- Wrong!

You have a hot date with me.

It's the annual
shady pines dance.

Sounds like fun!

- It's a blast.
Last year we had disco night.

The theme was stayin' alive.

At the end of the evening,
everyone who did got a prize.

So what's the theme this year?

It's a hoedown, slim.

We'll be square-dancing
the night away.

- Square dancing?
- What's the matter?

You don't like square dancing?
- Not really.

- Why, daddy? It'll be fun.
- It's all right, Carol.

I'll just be sitting alone
in my room,

pulling petals off my corsage.

- He do-si-dos...
He do-si-don't...

He do-si-dos...
He do-si-don't...

Okay, all right,
no, no, it's all right.

Sophia, I'll...
I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Great. Happy trails!

Okay, that's great, dear.

I got to tell you, it's like...

God! What did I do
to get into this thing?

Daddy, what do you have
against square dancing?

Carol, I had a rather
traumatic experience once

when I was in junior high.

They marched us all into the gym

and told us
we're gonna play basketball.

Then the music started.

We had 47 girls

and 48 boys, and...

Somebody had to dance
with coach... nubbin.

Daddy,
it couldn't have been that bad.

Car... everybody laughed
at me, and they called me...

Coach's cowgirl.

Well, kids can be cruel.

Coach nubbin started it.

Okay, okay, I hear you!

If you're ringin' my doorbell
this early in the morning,

you'd better be prepared
for what you're about to see.

Marta, what's wrong?

I'm sorry, Dr. Douglas, but
I didn't know what else to do.

The kids were supposed
to stay with my neighbor,

but her little boy
came down with the chicken pox,

so I need to ask you
a big favor.

Please tell me
you want me to drive them

to their uncle's house.

- Their uncle lives in Cuba.
Do you have a boat?

Okay.

Okay.
Leave 'em here.

Are you sure it's okay?

- We'll be fine.
- Thank you.

- Okay, my babies.
All: Bye, mommy.

- Get well.
- Bye.

I'll come see you on my rounds.

Gracias.

Now, you kids be good.

Okay, I'm goin' back to bed.

You guys can play a game.

It's called "let's see
who can be quiet the longest."

We haven't had breakfast.

You lose.

All: Breakfast!
Breakfast! Breakfast!

Okay, okay, okay!

Come on.
- Breakfast! Breakfast!

Stop it!

Breakfast...
I can do breakfast.

All right,
tell me what they like.

Tough choice...

Mustard or baking soda.

Let them have the baking soda.

I'm saving the mustard
for company.

Dr. Max,
is this your husband?

Hey, Max, did you get the kids
off to school okay?

Barely.

First I had to take 'em
to ihop for breakfast.

Then I had to take 'em back home
and hose the syrup off of 'em.

I'm halfway to school
when I realize

I left one of the twins at home.

Maxine!

Well, Harry, it wasn't my fault!

I thought I had two.

The other one kept movin' around
in the backseat.

Well, how's their mom doin'?

Better than me.

She's in nice,
quiet recovery room

wacked out on painkillers.

Dr. Douglas, it's
Armando's school on line one.

- My god.
- What's wrong?

He's under his desk a-cryin'.

He says it's his birthday,
and no one sent cupcakes.

This is Dr. Douglas.

Hey, hey, hey!
Slow down, slow down!

I am a little too old to be
yelled at by the principal.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, well, could you tell him
nobody forgot his birthday?

Yeah, there's a surprise party
for him tonight.

How sweet.

You planned him
a surprise party.

- Yeah.
Be at my place at 8:00.

Surprise!

- I'm ready, daddy!
Lesson time!

I'm not coming down!

Daddy, trust me. You will have
a lot more fun tomorrow night

if you know what you're doing.

Besides, you promised Sophia.

I can't believe
you're making me wear this.

But you look so cute.

And look what else I got you.

I-I feel ridiculous.

Daddy, everyone
will be dressed like this.

No one will make fun of you.

It's the sheriff of dorkville.

I'm teaching daddy
to square-dance.

- Cool.
Can I do the call?

I do it all the time
on the ship.

I also do "Simon says."

- Fine, let's...
Let's just get this over with.

Okay, Simon says,
"hands on head."

- Not that!
- Okay, look, daddy...

I'm your partner,

and the coatrack is your corner.

You're making me dance
with a coatrack?

No, daddy, dreyfuss
is dancing with the coatrack.

You're dancing with me.

I guess he got first choice.

- Okay!
Hit it, Charley!

Now, daddy, just do what I do.

Bow to your partner.

Now bow to your corner.

Allemande left to your corner.

Now do-si-do your partner.

That's it, daddy!

Now do-si-do one more time.

The babes in Kenya
are lookin' fine.

Charley!

What are you...
What are you doing?

- Sorry.
- I guess I got distracted.

I'll do the call.

You dance with daddy.

- Howdy, cowgirl!
- God!

- It's my birthday!
It nobody else's birthday!

It's my birthday!

Ana, hand me those thumbtacks.

- Mando, knock it off!
I'm trying to watch TV.

- Don't watch TV! Watch me!
It's my birthday!

Ana, hand me those thumbtacks.

Mando, get those thumbtacks.

- Ana, I didn't ask him.
I asked you.

I want to see my mother.

- I told you.
She can't have visitors yet.

Why not?

- Don't worry.
She's fine.

We'll go see her tomorrow.

Mando, mando, look what
we got you for your birthday!

My god! Get that thing
out of my house!

Oye, ¿donde hallaron esa vibora?

- Afuera.
- No se puede quedar.

- ¿Por qué?
- Hey, excuse me!

Is somebody makin' arrangements

to get that thing
out of my house?

This is the best birthday ever!

- Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Here...

Here's a goody bag.

And here...

Here's one for the snake.

I want my snake!

Great. You made him cry
on his birthday.

Big deal. I always cry
on my birthday.

When does the clown get here?

- Hurray! The clown!
Hurray! The clown!

What clown?

Fear not, Maxine.

I studied the art of clowning
one summer in Paris.

Now, which clown should I be...

The merry clown...

Or the distraught clown...

Or how 'bout the clown
who's laughing on the outside

but is really a satire on
Neo-fascism in post-war France?

Which one has
the big floppy shoes?

Hey, doctor,

why don't you do one
of your famous magic tricks?

You've got your
beautiful assistant right here.

Now, watch carefully
as the great westoni

makes the spoon disappear.

All right.

All right, now, does
anybody know the magic word?

Abracadabra!

Gee, sure.

Thank you, little girl.

All right.
Abracadabra!

- I can see it!
It's in his sleeve!

Let's just eat the stupid cake
and go to bed.

- The cake...
That's a good idea.

Doctor, where your candles?
- Candles?

Forgot the candles.
- Don't you have anything?

Well there's a couple
of road flares in the garage.

- Man!
- Que vieja tan tonta!

- Hey, hey, hey!
Con cuidado, por favor!

It's okay, Harry.
I can handle this.

You know...

You haven't exactly been
a big help around here.

- Why should I help you?
You don't even want us here.

I mean, you invite
a bunch of stupid people here

we don't even know.

Hey, well,
if you don't like this party,

you dot have to be part of it.

Fine!

Hey!

Hey!

You know,
it's a lot windier outside.

Maybe that's the real clown!

Hey.

Good guess, kid.

Hey, let's get
this party started.

I brought the brewskies.

Charley,
this is a children's party.

I brought light.

- Hey, Max, what... what?
- Harry, she got away.

I'm gonna get my car
and check her neighborhood.

Dr. Max,
did you find my sister?

No, Armando, I'm sorry.

Can I have her room?

- Hey, maybe...
Maybe that's her. Laverne...

- Hello.
Dr. Douglas...

Who wants to play
"pin the tail on the donkey"?

All:
I do! I do! I do! I do!

Okay, Charley, stand over
there and stick out your butt.

They love me.

Harry, can I see you a minute?

I know!

Let's play "guess who."
I'll go first.

I am an American poet
of confessional verse.

I often use bizarre images

to express my sense
of victimization by men.

Who am I?

- Okay, you win.
You're the donkey.

What's wrong, doctor?

- That was the hospital.
Marta's hemorrhaging.

They're rushing her
back into surgery.

Dr. Klein,
paging Dr. Klein.

Ana, what are you doing here?

I've been looking all over
for you.

They won't let me see her.

- Mama!
- Mi'ja.

- Marta, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay.

- How are the kids?
- They're fine.

They're home eatin' cake.

You know, you forgot to tell me
this was Armando's birthday.

Dr. Douglas...

Armando's birthday's in June.

Let's go.

- Mama, wait!
- I'm sorry, miss.

You'll have to wait here.
- No!

- Ana, you can't.
- Let me go!

I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you!

- I know. Let it go. Let it go.
- Let me go!

- Hey, hey!
Not my face.

Look...

They're thinkin' about
makin' a movie out of Mr. Ed.

I bet they get
Arnold schwarzenger

to play ed.

"Vilbur, I'll be back."

You're probably not laughing

because you're too young
to remember the show.

See, Mr. Ed was this horse
who talked,

but here the complication:

He only talked to wilbur.

Well, you can imagine
the high jinks.

Okay, Ana...

I know you don't like me.
- You got that right.

Well, hey, I'm sorry.

But I'm not too good
at this mother thing.

I mean, I'm better with cats.

Now, if you get a hair ball,
I'm your gal.

Is she gonna die?

Of course not.

Don't say, "of course not."

I mean, how am I supposed
to know?

Nobody's telling me anything.

Well, that's because your mother
didn't want to worry you.

Yeah, well, it didn't work.

Okay, look...

They did surgery this morning,

and they thought
everything was fine,

but then she started
bleeding internally,

and to be honest,
that can be pretty dangerous.

But they caught it immediately.

And she has an excellent chance
of recovering.

But what
if something else happens?

I don't think it will.

But I can promise you this.

Whatever I know, you'll know

thanks.

Okay.

Hey, you want to go downstairs

and pick up something
for your mom from the gift shop?

- Sure.
- Good.

And while we're there,

we can get a present
for Armando's birthday.

And bow to your partner!

Call it a day, buckaroo.

We're back at the bunkhouse.
- Aw...

- And you...
Get along, little doggie.

- Wow.
That was quite a night.

So how come you didn't ride
the mechanical bull?

Sophia, it's very dangerous.

Didn't you see
all the people who fell off?

Imagine how bad it would've
been if they plugged it in.

Anyway, Harry,
you're a great sport.

Nah, you know,
it was my pleasure.

I have to admit, though,
I had a great night,

but, you know, when you first
invited me to a dance,

I kind of pictures us
gliding across the floor,

dancing cheek to cheek.

Harry, the only way
we'll be cheek to cheek

is if I stand behind you.

- All right, come on!
Let's go!

What do you say?
What about it, Sophia?

May I have this dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

"Welcome home, mon."

"Welcome home, mon"?

Are you guys expecting
your mother or Ziggy Marley?

We ran out of icing.

My birthday cake!

Son...

You have a serious problem.

Come in!

- Mi hijos!
All: Mommy!

- We missed you!
- Aw.

- What was the hospital like?
- Mommy, can I have a snake?

Now, now, now, we can talk
about all this on the way home.

Dr. Douglas, thank you.

I hope they weren't
too much trouble.

No...

They were just
the right amount of trouble.

Wait.
Don't forget your cake.

Sorry it's lopsided.
The kids baked it.

- You baked it!
- Shh!

Want to sleep over at our house?

- Okay, bye-bye!
See you!

Look at this place.

A ninja turtle.

Which one are you?

Frosting head.

Well, guess it's just
you and me, frosting head.

Quick, they've come for you.
Hide!

Coming!

Ana!

Now witness as the great
westoni, makes dreyfuss...

Disappear!

May I have the magic word,
please?

All:
Abracadabra!

Presto!