Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 15 - Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have - full transcript

Are you finished
with the sports section yet?

- Yeah!
- Well, good! Let's go!

Here, how about...

You wanna play Patty-cake?
- Yeah.

Okay, ready? Patty-cake,
Patty-cake, baker's man...

Okay, wait, hey,
I'll tell you what.

I know what we'll do.
A horsey ride!

- Yeah!
- Do a horsey ride? Yay!

Let's go! Horsey ride! Hey!

Whoa, horsey! Whoa!

All right, Scotty, go to
the stables and have some oats.



Well, daddy, I finished my list.

Do you need anything from
the value-size discount club?

Carol, you just went there
yesterday.

I thought you bought in bulk

so you didn't have to shop
as often.

But I love it there, daddy.

But everything's so... big!

What are we supposed to do
with a drum of yogurt?

The fruit's at the bottom,
Carol. Way at the bottom.

You've got to sink a well
to get a strawberry.

Silly hyperbolizing daddy.

Hey, why don't you come with?

If we bring two cars,
we can get twice as much.

No, no, no, no,
we can't, we can't, no.



No, I think Scotty and I
are gonna go to the park

and have a little bulk fun.

All right, but don't forget
Scotty's sunscreen.

Can't you put it
in a smaller bottle?

I did.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Great going, Scotty!

Yeah, my Scotty!
My big boy!

That right, that's right!

That's the way
to sit right down...

On the sand castle grandpa
just made for you.

No, Scotty, Scotty, give the
ball back to the little girl.

Scotty! Scotty!
Give it back.

Say thank you, Amanda.

That's a good girl!

No, don't throw
the ball to me, honey.

No, don't throw the ball to me.

No, no, not to me... god!

She threw the ball to me.

- Nice catch.
- Thanks.

You have a beautiful daughter.

Granddaughter.

Really?

And you have
a great-looking son.

Yeah, thank you.

Actually, he's my grandson.

- Actually...
No kidding.

A redhead?

I used to have one like him.

Is he part retriever?
- Are you... are you kidding?

Watch this.

Watch this... all right.

Okay, dreyf... ready?

Fetch!

Dreyf, fetch!

All right, then...

Play dead.

I'm an animal trainer
by profession.

I hope you have
something to fall back on.

Yeah.

I'm Gwen Langley.

Harry Weston.
It's...

Very nice to meet ya.

And you.

Boy, look at those kids!

Aren't they hitting it off?
- Yes.

Now... now they...
They're just hitting.

Scotty, stop!
- Amanda, stop that!

Well, I think
I should get going.

Amanda's been in the sandbox
so long she thinks she owns it.

Yeah, well, I saw her
collecting rent from Scotty.

Yep.

Well, maybe I'll see you here
again sometime.

- Maybe.
- Well, I'll be here tomorrow.

- I might be here.
- Good! Then I might see you.

Yeah, you might.

- Well... bye.
- Bye.

No! Scotty! Scotty!

They're going home!

Scotty! You live with us!

Just come... to...
Come here, Scotty!

- What is that?
- A bird.

I can see that.

What the hell is it doing
in my clinic?

Well, I found him outside
last night,

and I could see he had a little
hitch in his get-along.

So I took him to the vet.

Said all he needed was some tlc.

Let me rephrase my question.

What is it hell is it doing
in my clinic?

I couldn't leave him
at my house.

My cat might eat him.

So? You got something
against the food chain?

- Doctor.
- All right.

Hold the cat and give the bird
a 10-minute head start.

Stop that!

Now, he's only gonna be
here temporarily.

I'm gonna run an ad
and find his rightful owner,

so I don't see
what the problem is.

- The problem is birds!
I hate 'em!

Have you known many?

Laverne, I'm from New York.

The pigeon capital of the world.

They're so creepy.
They take off

making that
fla-fla-flappin' sound.

They fly around your head

waiting for a chance
to peck your eyes out.

- He is not a pigeon.
He is an African grey parrot.

Pretty girl.

- God!
- It talks.

Where's Carol? She should've
been here an hour ago.

Man, I love that discount club!

Look at this, Sophia! Cold cuts
as far as the eye can see!

It's like
"the good ship baloney-pop."

I know, it's great.

Carol gets me poligrip
at 35 cents an ounce.

And I sell it on the street
for 75.

And if I cut it,
I can make a real killing.

You got the stuff?

- There is no stuff.
- What happened?

I was on my way
to the check-out line

when I spotted a supercase
of motor oil.

Forty-eight cans for 7 dollars.

That's less than 15 cents a can.

Why do you need motor oil?

Didn't you hear me?

I said it was less than
15 cents a can.

Anyway, there it was
on the top shelf

just out of my reach.

The more I stretched,
the farther away it seemed.

The story of my life.

There was no one around to help.

And I wasn't about
to leave my motor oil.

That's when I saw the forklift.

It whispered...

"Carol, I can help.
Drive me."

The next thing I knew,

shelves were crashing,
people were screaming

there was oil everywhere.

And I don't know
why they were so upset,

they've got paper towels
up the gazoo!

So, no poligrip?

I got people waiting
at shady pines.

Big people with loose teeth.

I'm dead.

- Where's Scotty?
- Daddy...

I've been banned
from my discount club.

Hallelujah.

Where's Scotty? We're supposed
to go to the park.

- He's taking a nap.
- Again?

He took a nap yesterday!

Daddy, you've been to the park
every day this week.

Wait a minute.

Cologne. New sports jacket.
Your shoes are shined.

Hey, I can put two and two
together.

You're going to the park
for a job interview!

I happened to have met someone
and we kind of hit it off.

Well that's smart.

It's always easier to get a job
from someone who likes you.

So, daddy, who is she?

Well, Scotty was playing
with her granddaughter,

we were sitting together
and we...

We struck up a conversation.

A grandma? Ew!

Charley, I happen
to be a grandpa.

Ew! Wrinkle mania!

You think Scotty's awake yet?

- I think we would've heard him.
- Yeah, well...

Maybe I'll just go check.

Scotty, are you awake?

Your grandpa's home!

No, wait, wait, Gwen, Gwen,
I don't care what you say,

our rowboat
had the right of way!

It's no big deal.

- Come on!
- They cut me off on purpose!

Harry, they were ducks!

Fine, take their side.

Anyhow, I need dry socks.

Yes, I can hear you squishing.

- I should... I should...
I should go get my sex.

My socks! I'm getting...
I'm getting socks! Socks!

How are ya?

Who are ya?

- Who are you?
- I'm Charley. I live next door.

Hi! I'm Gwen.

- Gwen, ha ha...
- What a coincidence!

You know, Harry's dating
some old broad named Gwen.

An old broad?

Yeah, she must be loaded.

He goes to see her
at the park every day.

Maybe he likes her.

I like dinosaurs,

but I wouldn't wanna date one.

- Except maybe Barney.
He's rich.

Who's... who's rich?

Charley was just talking
about dinosaurs.

Like the one you're dating.

Charley was just leaving.

- No, I wasn't.
- Now, yes you are!

Get out! Come on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
wait a minute!

You're Gwen!

Gwen, Gwen!

Bye-bye.

I got you a little something.

Harry, what's this for?

We met one week ago today
and it's... happy anniversary.

It's a little park bench.

Harry, you're so sweet.

So where are Carol and Scotty?

They'll be back tonight.

Carol's off trying
to get a membership

in the value-size
discount club of...

I don't know... Orlando.

You know what, Harry?

I think I just came up
with a perfect way

for us to celebrate
our anniversary.

How?

Show me the rest of your house.

♪ I'm in love with you

Dreyf!
Come... come over here!

It's okay.

Not it's not. Every time
I sing he tries to run away.

What a beautiful day!

Not bad. Usually,
I'm in the office at this time.

- Even on weekends?
- All the time.

My wife is threatening
to rent out my side of the bed.

Amazing how kids love
that sandbox, isn't it?

Yeah... yeah.

Well, which one is yours?

That one.

Play nice, Amanda!
Don't fight!

- A-Amanda?
- Yeah.

Your... your daughter?

Granddaughter.

He's a good-looking dog,
all right!

We used to have a redhead.

My wife Gwen and I.

Gwen keeps asking for another
one, but I don't know.

What do you think, boy?

Anyhow, it got to the point
where Gwen and I were...

Well, you know how it goes.

She said, I said.
She said, I said.

Then we stopped talking
to each other.

Do you really wanna hear
all this?

Well, actually, it is-
it is getting kind of late

and I did promise my daughter...
- The truth of it is...

Neither one of us
has been very happy.

Although,
when I got home last night,

Gwen had a great big smile
on her face.

Okay.

What do you say, dreyf?

Time for a little exercise!

Come on... come on.

All I know is, I still love her.

Who can blame you?
She's... she's wonderful.

I mean, I mean, she sounds...

From what you said.

Well, it was...
It was nice meeting you.

You too.

You know, Gwen's right.

You open up,
you meet nice people.

Yeah... well...

Come on, dreyf, let's go home!

Come on... come on.

Doctor, I hate runnin' out
on you like this,

but you know I've had
these tickets for a month.

I understand, Laverne.

It's not every day
the funny cars come to town.

I'm gonna get
Shirley "cha cha" muldowney

to autograph my drag chute.

You bought your own drag chute?

Don't be silly. It come free
with the asbestos suit.

Ain't that the cutest thing?

No, that ain't the cutest thing!

When are you getting rid
of that vulture?

As soon as someone comes
to claim him.

I bet you never even ran an ad.

Yeah?

Just look right here.

Found. African grey.

That's it?

African grey?

You didn't even say
it was a bird!

This could be...
Nelson Mandela!

The rightful owner
will know what I mean.

Yeah, right!

Who are you looking at?

I wonder how you would taste

in the colonel's
11 herbs and spices.

Pretty girl!

Shut up!

- Pretty girl.
- Ugly bird.

- Pretty girl.
- All right, that's it.

You going to sleep.

You think you're funny.

Well, you are not funny.

- I'm so depressed.
Supermarket?

They should call it
"the itsy-bitsy food place."

Nothing itsy-bitsy about Betsy.

- Who?
- The check-out girl!

Talk about
your jumbo-sized cans!

- Large? Large?
I know large. I've had large.

Let me tell you...
You are no large!

Carol... let it go.

Sophia, is daddy
still in the park?

Unless he and hot-lips
checked into a motel.

Sophia, don't make it out
to be something cheap.

All right, a hotel.

Sophia, Carol's right.

When it come to romance,
there's...

Nothing more beautiful than
two people enjoying each other.

Except maybe three people
enjoying each other.

Back from the park, lover boy?

Not now, Sophia, dear.

You all right, daddy?

I'm fine.

You and dreyfuss were gone
quite a while.

Well, we took a long walk.

I have a lot of stuff
on my mind.

- The doctor is in...
Doctor.

All right, daddy, I understand.
I am not going to be a pest.

I mean, if you are
harboring some weight,

some burden,
some unspeakable pain,

far be it from me to pry.

But the true north of my
emotional compass tells me

- that it would be much better...
- Carol, Carol.

If I talk, will you stop?

That's my plan, daddy.

- It's Gwen. She's married.
- What?

I just met her husband
in the park.

- God!
- Daddy, don't blame yourself.

You were deceived!
You didn't know!

Yeah, well, that doesn't
make me feel any better.

I understand.

Poor daddy!

What kind of a woman would
do something like that to you?

The kind of woman...

I was falling in love with.

- Laverne!
Come in here, quick!

Listen to this.

- I love you, Max!
I love you, Max!

- Isn't it great?
Isn't it great?

Doctor, just 'cause
the bird says everything twice

don't mean you have to.

- I love you, Max!
I love you, Max!

Don't that bird ever want
a cracker?

- Does Larry want a cracker?
- Larry?

- That's what I named him.
- Larry bird?

Was gonna call him
Dennis rodman,

but then I'd have to dye
his little head every week.

Excuse me, is this
the canal street clinic?

Yes, can I help you?

- My name is Arlene chase.
I came for my bird.

- I beg your pardon.
- My bird!

I believe you found my bird.

Well...

We found... a bird.

Can you describe
the aforementioned bird?

It's an African grey!

Whitish face, red tail,

beak, feathers, claws...
He's a bird!

Well, that's not gonna do it.

I'm afraid I need specifics.

He's got this one
really annoying habit.

He keeps telling
my husband Max he loves him.

I love you, Max. I love you,
Max. I love you, Max.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
he loves you too.

Doctor, don't be sad.

Who's to say a bird can't have
two loves named Max?

Thanks.

You gonna miss
little fella, aren’t you?

- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.

- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.

Miss the bird!
Miss the bird!

- All right!
Maybe just a little.

See you around, Larry.
Don't forget to write.

Well, if you like him so much,
maybe we can work out a deal.

Well, I did kind of get attached

to the little fella.

Might be fun to have around.

How much are we talkin'?

- $300.
- Bye-bye, birdie!

Hi.

Hi. Are you okay?

Well...

You sounded so nervous
on the phone,

I wasn't sure
you were gonna show up.

Harry,
you know me better than that.

Actually I... I don't.

That's fair.

I'm sure you're angry,
and you have every right to be.

You're such a wonderful man,
and you don't deserve this.

I'd feel so much better
if you yelled at me right now.

I just wish
you would've told me.

I wish I had too.

I'm sorry but I...
I was just so mixed up.

Things weren't good at home.

And then you came along
and all of a sudden

I had something
to look forward to.

I don't know what to do, Harry.

Maybe I should leave him.

Do you love him?

I don't know.

All I know is I met you, and...

Suddenly there was
romance in my life

I heard birds singing!

That's because we...

We met in the park.

If we had met in a movie,

you would've heard
car crashes and gunshots.

You know what I think?
I think you,

need to go home...

You need to give it another try.

Your husband still loves you.

He said that?

Gwen, this is not easy for me.

I, I wouldn't make that up.

Harry, I'm sorry.

Me too.

Okay...

Scotty brought this home.

I think it's Amanda's.

Here you go.

That's a nice catch.

Scotty, I want you to pay
attention to me, because...

- No.
- Please, just listen.

This is very important
what I'm about to say here.

- What?
- Relationships.

Relationships are complicated.

And... every once in a while
you may get your heart broken,

but you gotta keep at it.

Because when they work out,
it's worth all...

- Grandpa! Ssh!
- Shh.

Polly wanna cracker.

Polly wanna cracker.

Polly wanna cracker.

Polly wanna cracker.

Polly wanna cracker.

Polly wanna cracker.

Okay, now let's try another one.

Pretty boy.

Pretty boy.

Pretty boy.

Pretty boy.