Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 13 - Goodbye Charley - full transcript

Hi, Maxine!

Harry, I came
as soon as I heard.

How was your trip?

Who cares about my trip?

This is terrible.

I think I'm gonna cry.

I almost got
"death ray" to level eight

my batteries is low.

Harry, what
the hell is going on?

I called your house

and the babysitter told me
you were at this funeral.



Well, it's all pretty bizarre.

My friends, we are here
to pay our last respects

to a young man
we all knew and loved...

Charley dietz.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ just how we do it

♪ is no mystery

♪ one-by-one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...



♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

There can be no greater
tribute to the departed

than the fond memories

of the friends
Charley left behind.

First to speak
is Ms. Sophia petrillo.

Harry, what happened?

It's a long story.

My name is Sophia,
and I'm a bingo-holic.

This is Charley's funeral.

Right, Charley.

Well, I remember one
wonderful thing about Charley.

His car.

Whenever I needed
a ride to the track,

he was always there for me

and at very reasonable rates.

All in all, I loved him.

Well... I liked him.

Well, I knew him.

And the next thing
I know, I'm at his funeral.

Harry, that's crazy.

What would make him do
a stupid thing like that?

Well, it all started

with a phone call
from his mother.

Carol, I am not a prude.

I just found it
embarrassing, that's all.

Daddy, when you go to
an art film,

you have to expect
a certain amount of sex.

Yes, on the screen,

not in the row in front of me!

Sophia said
she'd leave a message

when it was
time to pick up Scotty.

Hello, this is Ursula dietz.

Charley's mother.

Hi, Harry.

Just hearing
your voice on that message

sets my loins a-quiver.

Where was I?
Right.

Look, I haven't
been able to reach Charley,

so be a love and tell him

there's been
a death in the family.

Bye, Harry.

Quiver, quiver.

- Gee, that's terrible.
Poor guy.

I wonder why she
couldn't reach him at home,

his car's out there.

Charley, we need to talk to you.

- Charley.
- Hey, Harry.

What are you doing here?

Charley, sit down,
we need to talk to you.

Why so glum, chum?

It's a beautiful day,
the birds are chirping,

the X-Men captured Magneto.

Charley, I'm afraid
we have some bad news.

- My god.
- You're out of beer.

No, no.

Charley, we got a message
from your mother.

She's been trying to reach you.

There's been a...

A death in your family.

Wow.

Who died?
- She didn't say.

You'd better call.
Can I get you anything?

Yeah, I think I could
really use something.

Of all the times for you
to be out of beer.

You know, I bet
it's my aunt hilda.

She's been hanging on for years.

We thought we lost her once,
but it turned out

she was just taking a nap
on the driveway.

Hello!
Aunt hilda.

Yeah, I'm surprised
to hear your voice too.

Listen, aunt hilda, who died?

What do you mean, "guess"?

Okay, one guess.
Uncle Joe.

I don't have anything
against uncle Joe.

Aunt hilda, can you
just tell me who died, please?

You're kidding.

No.

I see.
Okay, thanks.

Wow.

My cousin, Max.
He had a heart attack.

His last words were,
"call 9-1-1."

That's terrible.

Yeah, my aunt Sally kept waiting

for the rest of the number.

It just shows that you
never know how close you are

to your own...
You know, what's the word?

Mortality.

No, death.

I mean, one minute
you're sitting there

drinking beer, checking out
your neighbor's Hooters...

And the next minute,
the guys in the morgue

are going through your pockets
looking for free stuff.

Well, the joke's on them.
My pockets are empty.

A mint.

Well, they're not getting this.

Charley, Charley, stop it.

You're a healthy young man.

Just because
an older relative dies

doesn't mean that you're next.

Max wasn't older,
he was my age... 42.

Well, I mean, even so!

Harry, you don't understand.

My family has a history
of men dying at 42.

My grandfather,
my great-grandfather,

two uncles, and now Max.

But Charley,
your father's still alive.

Not according to my mother.

My god, my heart
could be squeezing out

it's last ticks
right this second.

My god, there it was!
The last one!

No, wait.
There was one more.

That was the last one.

No, no, no.
One more.

That was the last...
No, no, one more.

One more.
Yeah, that's the last one.

No, no, one more.

We got him calmed down,
we thought he was okay,

and then...

Remember the day
you left for your trip?

Well, it looks
like I've got everything.

Guess it's off to
the medical convention in...

Where was that again, Harry?

The Bahamas, Maxine.

- Yeah, that's right.
- The Bahamas.

That's the place
with the sun and the sand

and the bottomless rum drinks.

Gee...

Wonder if I should
bring my own limbo stick.

- Fine, Maxine.
Go, have a good time.

Say, Harry, you're not sore

because I'm going to
the convention and you're not?

Of course not.

I went to the convention
last year, remember?

Where was that again, Harry?

Vegas? Hawaii?

It was colonial williamsburg.

There's the party bus.

See you next week.

By the way,
if you need to reach me,

just have the hotel page
the best-looking cabana boy.

I'll be chasing his perfect
little butt around the pool.

Well, doctor...

Looks like it's
you and me alone again.

Just like the good ol' days.

Aw, don't feel bad, doctor.

You get to go to
the convention next year.

- That's true.
- And lookie here.

It says here in this schedule
it's gonna be held in...

Miami.

Thank god, a chair.

- Charley.
Are you all right?

I think I'm
having a heart attack.

- All right, Charley, here.
Come on.

Now just tell me exactly
what you're feeling.

- Weird, Harry.
You're undressing me.

No.

No, no, I mean your symptoms.

Chest pain, shortness of breath,

sweatiness, and
I'm a little nauseous.

Charley, your pulse is steady.

Your color's fine.
You seem okay.

Exactly when did you
start having these feelings?

Well, right after I read
this heart disease pamphlet

in your waiting room.

Good thing he didn't
read the one on childbirth.

Charley, Charley,
Charley, Charley.

Look, I don't think
you're having a heart attack.

You're just obsessed
about your cousin's death.

No, I'm okay with that.

What I'm obsessed about
is my death.

Charley, Charley, Charley,
Charley, listen to me.

This is all, you know,
the power of suggestion.

But if it'll make
you feel any better,

go in the exam room,
I'll give you a quick check-up

and an EKG.

Thanks, Harry.

Shall I prepare
the usual for him?

No, this time
let's give him a blue balloon.

Charley didn't
believe he was all right

until I gave him
a complete check-up.

He wanted everything.

Took me 20 minutes to
talk him out of the stirrups.

You know, I hate to admit it,

but I feel badly for the boob.

Charley, hey.
How you doing, pal?

How was your cousin's funeral?

Boy, what a downer.

That's why they call it
"funeral" and not "mardi gras."

It was really depressing.

Listening to all those people

talk about
what a great guy Max was,

made me realize that
when I die...

Nobody'll care.

Charlie, that's not true.

Of course it's not.

- Sure.
- Like you're gonna miss me.

Well, Charley, just because

we've had a difficult
relationship in the past

doesn't mean that...

Daddy won't miss you.

Right, daddy?

Absolutely.

A-A-And Sophia will miss you.

Won't you, Sophia?

Yeah, yeah, pass the ketchup.

Come on now, Sophia.

You'd remember Charley
if he died.

Are you kidding?

I can't even remember
why I needed the ketchup.

- No, Carol.
She's right.

I haven't done anything
worth remembering.

I'm a purser on the ship.

The most I've ever done is...

Purse.

Charley, here's a kooky thought.

Why not do something
with your life?

Yeah, Charley,
maybe your cousin's death

is a wake-up call.

Maybe it's time for you
to do something

meaningful with your life.

I know what you should do.

- What?
- Play canasta.

How will that make
my life more meaningful?

It won't.

I just feel
like playing canasta.

Wait.

I know how to
make my Mark on the world.

How's that, Charles?

I'm gonna win the nobel prize.

Charley, there's no way
you can win the nobel prize.

Harry, anything can happen.

The more times I enter,
the more chances I have to win.

God, I hope
she keeps this short.

Friends, mourners, miamians...

Lend me your ears.

That answers that question.

I come to praise Charley,
not to Bury him.

But first...

Let me tell you
how I came to be here.

I was born on
a steamy summer night.

To a struggling
young medical student

and his winsome wife.

We're gonna be here for a while.

- Here.
I got some airline peanuts.

So what happened next?

Charley decided he needed

to do something
meaningful with his life,

so he quit his job,
cashed in his savings,

put his house up for sale,

which really
irritated his landlord.

Harry, this is
the weirdest story I ever heard.

You haven't heard anything yet.

A cookie sales record
that stands to this day,

according to the Miami council

of campfire girls.

Then... then began
a time of growth and discovery.

Seventh grade,
Ms. Wilkie's homeroom,

a crisp, fall morning...

I became a woman.

So did Charley come up

with anything meaningful
to do with his life?

He tried, but he ended up
even more depressed than ever.

And then I thought, "I know,

I'll find
a cure for cancer."

Then I realized
you need math for that.

- It's all right, Charley.
Come on, come on, come on.

Easy.
Easy, easy.

- It's no use, Harry.
I'll never amount to anything.

I might as well just
sit here and wait to die.

Charley, it seems to me

that you could
use some professional help.

- What?
A shrink?

Charley, a therapist
is merely someone

who helps people
solve their problems.

Hey, just because
I sit around all day

in my pajamas waiting to die

doesn't mean I have problems.

Charley, you can't
go on like this.

- Why not?
Nobody cares.

The only one who will show up
at my funeral will be me.

- Wait a minute.
I'm having a brainstorm.

Yeah, I thought
I was having one of those too,

but the cat scan showed nothing.

Charley,
you're not afraid of dying.

You're just afraid
that no one will care.

- So?
- So, have your funeral now.

Go through the experience,

and find out whether or not
your fears are founded.

- Carol, that's ridiculous!
- Why, daddy?

It builds on
sound psychiatric theory...

Confronting
one's fears directly.

Much as I confronted my own fear

of never finding the right man.

Daddy, I will find
the right man, won't I?

I'm looking for him too.

- Really?
Daddy, have you looked...

- Hey, hey.
I'm dying here.

- I'm sorry.
Look, all you have to do,

Charley, is have your funeral.

I don't like this.

I really don't like this, Carol.

A funeral.

There's so much to do.

There's arrangements to be made
and flowers to order.

Harry, would you help me?

- Sure.
I'll perform the autopsy.

Okay, Charley.

I am so in this moment.

We are going to
throw the best funeral ever.

Place is kinda creepy.

It's like being in Pennsylvania.

You mean transylvania.

Nuh-Pennsylvania.

All my relatives
died in Pittsburgh.

You think Dracula's
in here taking a nap?

What's in there?

The price tag.

I can see the grief
written all over your faces.

How can I help you?

We'd like to arrange a funeral.

Certainly, would
you like to have a chair?

I kinda had my heart
set on a coffin.

This one just came in.
It's the '95 model.

She's a beauty, isn't she?

It seems kind of expensive.

It's only pennies a day
when you consider

how long the deceased
will spend in there.

Well, in our case,

the deceased will only
be in there for about an hour.

Your religious beliefs
are your own affair, sir.

May I ask who is the deceased?

I am.

You're a brave man, sir.

- No, no, no.
- You think he's dying.

He's not dying.
- He's not?

- No, no.
This is merely an attempt

to assuage Charley's fear of
his own death and insignificance

by throwing him a funeral.

You must get this all the time.

No.

But I don't see any reason
why we can't accommodate you.

Now...

How much were you thinking
about spending for the casket?

Well, we were thinking...

Somewhere
around this neighborhood.

No.

Not unless
we're thinking cremation.

Okay, talk to me.

Ew.

How 'bout a used one?

Charley!

Now, actually,
I do have something.

It's not exactly used.

We sold it,
but the deal fell through.

The governor granted him a stay.

Charley, it's you.

Hey, still has
that new box smell.

I'll knock off 10%.

- Make it 20.
- You got yourself a deal.

- Great!
- Congratulations.

Use it in good health.

Wow, sounds like
Carol cut some deal.

The way she tells it,
she was this close

to getting him to throw
in a cd player and a sunroof.

I'd like to start
with just a little prayer.

Dear lord...

I just want you to know
that this unholy gatherin'

was not my idea.

I'm only doin' this
because I'm told,

in some demented way,
it'll help Charley

get over his depression.

And even though we all know

he's a couple of pecks
shy of a bushel,

he is sweet,
and I do want him to know

that I would miss him.

Now I'm supposed to
introduce the next speaker,

Dr. Harry Weston,
who I suspect

was in on this
from the very beginning.

Amen.

Laverne...

Thank you for
those heartfelt words.

And I was never in on this.

In fact,
I never wanted to be here.

But now that I am...

Charley, look.

When you get to be my age,

you go to
enough of these things,

so forgive me if I was not
anxious to come to this one.

You know, sitting here
in these surroundings,

I couldn't help
thinking that I'm glad

that this is not for real.

Because the thought
of losing you...

It makes me real sad.

I'm sad too, Harry.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that concludes our service.

Now you're all invited
to come up and...

Pay your last respects.

- Come on.
Let go of me.

Thanks, Laverne.

Sophia, flowers were great.
Thanks.

This was neat.
Yeah.

Hey, you... it's a funeral.

Would it have killed you
to wear black?

You should've been there
when ida nartino died.

Three kinds of coffee cake.

Now that was a funeral.

- Hey, Maxine.
Let me get you a beverage.

Check it out.
It's true what they say.

My nails and hair
are still growing.

Very nice.

Listen, Charley,
if you're interested,

I think I may have a buyer.

You know the original owner?

Supreme court
just turned down his appeal.

- I'm next to go.
I can feel it.

Sophia, don't be morbid.

What morbid?

I'm next in line for
the bathroom.

Doctor, did you ever
really wonder

what happens to a body when
it passes to the great beyond?

Well, in Charley's case,

it'll probably end up
in my kitchen.

Attention, attention,
grieving family and friends.

The deceased would like
to say a few words.

Thank you, Carol.

"Dear penthouse,
I'm a health..."

"I'd like to
thank you all for coming.

"And a special thanks
to my cousin, Max,

"who gave his life
to make this day possible.

"I also wanna thank
my good friend, Harry,

for the use of his house."

That reminds me.

Harry, can we use your house?

And by the way,

if anybody has any
bookshelves or stuff to move,

I still have the hearse
for another couple hours.

Ms. Weston,
I gotta tell you,

this was really a great idea.

Maybe we should
discuss a business proposition.

I'm way ahead of you, stu.

How's this?
"Funerals...

They're not just
for dead people anymore."

Well, not that I'm
too superstitious, doctor.

But back in hickory,
we had a man... I swear...

Come back from the dead.
Orville Fitch.

He was the local brain surgeon.

He went out a-ridin' one night,

and his horse
got spooked and run off.

And poor Orville
wondered aimlessly for days

tryin' to find his way home.

They say he died out there.

And to this day, when you're out
there on a moonlit night,

people swear you can
still hear the plaintive cries

of the horseless headman.

Now, come on, admit it, doctor.

I really had you
goin' there, didn't I?

Didn't I?

No, but I'm a-goin' right now.