Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 12 - Dear Aunt Martha - full transcript

Good morning, Carol.

You have time to go
to the hairdresser?

- I'm sorry, Sophia.
- I can't today.

Then for god sakes put on a hat.

What are you working on?

It's my "dear aunt Martha"
column.

The world is so full
of lonely hearts.

This man hasn't had a date
for two years.

Here's a woman who's desperate
to meet Mr. Right.

I'm a fine one to give advice.

I can't even meet
Mr. Needs a green card.



You know what
these crybabies need?

A good war.

Nothing like the draft
to make people less picky.

Here's another one.

"Dear aunt Martha,
I'm a 30-ish man

"who can't endure
another singles bar.

"Where does a man have to go
to meet an intelligent,

available woman?"

Divorce court.

"Love looks not with
the eyes but with the mind,

and therefore, is winged cupid
painted blind."

Signed "wistful in Miami."

Shakespeare.
How charming.

Hey, here's an idea.



Why don't you set yourself up
with him?

- No.
- I couldn't.

It would be unethical.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's what you do.

Suggest a place where he
could meet intelligent women

and then you go there
and wait for him.

And how would I know who he is?

Tell him to wear a sombrero.

Sophia.

- All right.
A blue sport coat.

Tell him smart women love that.

That might work.

I mean hypothetically speaking.

And the most important thing.

Tell him to slap on
some old spice.

Plenty of old spice.
- Why?

Because I got stock
in the company.

♪ One by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one

Interesting texture.

Yes.

I love how kaminski
exhausts the blues.

By the way,
that's a striking blue coat.

I'm Carol.

Hi, I'm John.

- Hi, John.
Very nice to meet you.

Do you come here often?

Yes, we do.

This is a museum, honey,

not happy hour at Friday's.

What am I doing?

I've gotta get out of here.

Jeez.

- Excuse me...
- Are you all right?

- Yes, I'm fine.
I just...

I think you made
an illegal "u" turn there.

- No, I'm sorry.
It's just...

Blue coat.

But it's clean.

No.

I'm sorry.

It's just that
apparel oft proclaims the man.

Shakespeare.

Yes.

Kevin millen.

Carol Weston.

Very nice to have bumped
into you.

The pleasure was mine.

You were in quite a rush.

Yes, to see this painting here.

Diego's dark of the day.

It's powerful.
- Turbulent.

You know, if you stand back
and squint just a little bit

it kind of looks like...

Human suffering.

No, coleslaw.

Are you hungry?

Sure.

Come on, I know
a good place around the corner.

Okay.

Yes.

Hi.

Can I help you?

The question is:
Can I help you?

- Laverne, help!
It's a salesman!

Have a complimentary pencil.

Laverne, he's giving away
free stuff!

I'm gonna buy something.

And here is my catalog.

Can't you just say no?

Dr. Douglas,
you have a patient waiting.

She's a problem shopper.

Office supplies.

Lord, he's worse.

Dr. Weston, give me
that catalog right now.

- Why?
- Weston, wait a minute.

I know that face.
Harry Weston?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.
Do I know you?

- Ha, ha, ha!
Let me give you a hint.

Why, you're Jasper Hyde.

Grand marshal of the 1979
hickory Lane parade

after you fell off
the back of that buick.

Wait a minute.

Eight! Nine! Ten!

You're out.

Tornado mulvany.

Whoa.
Look at this.

- Of course.
Tornado mulvany.

Who the hell is tornado mulvany?

Laverne, tornado and I
were in the Navy together.

We used to box.
Boom.

Wait a minute.

You telling me
you knocked him down?

Down and out.

- Come on.
I got right back up.

- Yeah.
The next day.

There you go.
Give me a shot here.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha...

I'm sorry.

Doctor, I'm just picturin'
you in them boxing trunks

with your skinny white legs
a-stickin' out.

Those legs were so white

we used to pull his pants
up and down

to signal the other ships.

These are for you.

- Thank you.
Hi, Sophia.

Mr. Braxton,
you remember Sophia.

- Yeah.
- Petrillo.

What can I do for you?

I want to place an ad.

I've got an old knitting machine
I want to get rid of.

Okay, what kind?

I think she's Romanian.

Excuse me?

She's my roommate.

All night long,

clack clack clack clack
clack clack.

You're little friend's
amusing, Carol.

Keep her away from my scotch.

Sophia, you transparent
little sprite.

Nice cover, but I know
you just stopped by

to find out about
my rendezvous de cours.

Hey, this is america,
speak English.

How did you make out
with museum boy?

He asked me out
for this Friday night.

I can't wait.

My.

He wrote another letter
to aunt Martha.

- Who?
- Wistful in Miami.

I mean, Kevin.

"Dear aunt Martha,
I did as you suggested.

I went to the museum and met
the most charming woman."

Goody goody goody goody.

What grade are you in?

"I really want this to work out.

"So please give me some advice
on how to plan

the perfect date."

Sophia, I don't know.

I mean, this raises so many
ethical and moral questions.

Dare I cross the line?

I got news for you, sister.

That line's behind you.

So,

where does your boss
keep that scotch?

Steaks are on.

- Great.
- Let me buy you a beer.

Great, thank you.

Listen, tornado, so what have
you been doing all these years?

Well, a couple of weeks
after our fight

I got transferred to
an ice breaker in the arctic.

Froze my butt off.

Listen, a lot of us
got lousy transfers.

Is that right, Harry?

Where did the Navy send you?

Hawaii.

Hi, Harry.

Charley, what are you doing
eating that steak?

The other one fell on the coals.

Want a bite?

- No, thanks.
M.J. Mulvany.

Charley dietz.

How are ya?

So you still got that
middleweight trophy, Harry?

I don't know.

It's probably up
in the attic somewhere.

No, it isn't.

It's in your den
with a light shining on it.

You know, Harry, if things
had turned out differently

that trophy'd be in my den

and this guy would be eating
my steaks.

- Cool.
More steaks.

So what do you think, Harry?

You think, hey?

You still got the...
Got the ol' moves?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I still got the moves.

A little stiffer but I can
still put you down.

He puts me down all of the time.

- Bing.
Right there, Harry.

That could've changed my life.

Come on, mulvany,
it was only a fight.

Yeah, well, all I know is that
everything changed after that.

You got married,
you started a family.

I started a family,
then I got married.

You became a successful doctor.

I push paper clips.

You live in this great house.

I push paper clips.

Hey, have you seen
Harry's new car?

Would you shove it?

Gee, tornado,

I'm sorry things
didn't work out well for you.

Boy, I wish there was something
I could do.

- There is.
You can give me a rematch.

Ha. Ha.
A rematch?

That's ridiculous.

- No, it isn't.
Fight! Fight!

Just...

Shut up.

Whoa, I get it.

The big rich doctor is afraid
that I won't slip this time

and he won't be able to hit me
on the way down.

Hey, mulvany,
I beat you fair and square.

- He's calling you a liar.
Fight! Fight!

Shut up!

Weston, if you were any
kind of a man,

you'd give me a chance
to win my pride back.

You know where you can reach me.

Harry, one piece of advice.

No sex before a fight.

Pfft, look who I'm talking to.

The whole evening was perfect.

I couldn't have planned it
better myself.

Not that I would have
because I couldn't have.

Will I see you again?

I...

I didn't hear your answer

but it felt like
you said "linoleum."

I'll call you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Au revoir.

Bon soir.

- You were watching us?
You cretin.

I wouldn't watch you with a guy.

Now, you and Connie chung,
that I'd watch.

- Good.
- You're back.

Sophia, thank you
so much for babysitting.

How is my little angel?

I'm fine.

And the kid's asleep.

So, Carol,
Sophia told me all about

your "aunt Martha" scam.

This is great.

You're taking out all of
the guess work for the guy.

It's like a map to panty land.

Get out of my house, you sleaze.

I'm the sleaze.

Like, what's good for the goose
isn't good for the...

Boy goose.

Sophia, Charley's right.

This whole relationship
is based on deception.

So what?

So I can't do this.

My conscience won't allow it.

Suit yourself.

But a conscience
will never give you a hickey.

- Kevin.
- Not another one.

No, I can't.

Good morning, Carol.

Mr. Braxton,
I need to speak to you.

- Me first.
I've got a brilliant idea.

Engraved license plate frames.

We put witty little sayings
on them like,

"you're ugly"
or "up yours."

Mr. Braxton,
I can't write

the "aunt Martha" column
this week.

Why?

Because then I wouldn't have
enough time to work on

your terrific
license plate idea.

Good point.

Yes, I've already thought
of a saying.

"Honk if you love yoga."

Change yoga to Tequila
and you got the job.

Great. Great.

These are today's letters.

Please, start with this one.

It's urgent.

Okay.

"Dear aunt Martha, thanks to you

my date was
a romantic success."

He's so sweet.

Whatever.

Let's see.

"A former lover has contacted me

"with the intention
of reconciliation.

I am in an emotional quagmire."

What, did this guy swallow
a freakin' dictionary?

Read. Just read.

"My dilemma is that I have
feelings for both women.

What shall I do?"

Signed,
"wistful in Miami."

This is terrible.

- Not really.
This is easy.

"Dear wistful,

"your only problem

"is a scheduling problem.

Keep both broads."

Mr. Braxton,

I think your advice
is very irresponsible.

Yeah.
You're right.

"P.s. Use condoms."

Hey! We got some stationery
from that mulvany fella.

It says "memo pads
from the Coop of Harry Weston".

I think
he's callin' you chicken.

- Can you believe this?
Can you believe this?

He thinks he can goad me
into a fight.

Come on.

I mean, can you imagine
the two of us

putting on the gloves,
climbing into the ring,

and duking it out?

Come on, Harry,
it would be so exciting.

I could be in your corner.

I'd give you water
and you'd spit in the bucket.

Then you'd say "cut me, Maxine.

I can't see."

And I could cut
your swollen eyelid

and blood would squirt out.

Whoa, Maxine.

I'm not fighting.
Just let it go.

But he can't let it go, Harry.

Think about the man's pride.

No.

Okay, then think about me.

And how bad I really wanna
cut your eye.

Ha, there you are, white legs.

Come on.
Put 'em up.

Let's go.

He carries his
right hand low, Harry.

Hook him.

Mulvany, I'm not getting
into the ring with you.

It won't prove anything.
It won't change anything.

May I make a suggestion?

No.

Back in hickory I found myself

embroiled in a similar situation
with my third-grade Nemesis,

verne tipson.

See, I accidentally ate
his lunch.

It was an honest mistake.

His sack said "verne"
and I thought the "la"

was just hidden in a wrinkle.

He wanted to fight me.

There isn't gonna be
any fight, Laverne.

Well, if you wouldn't interrupt

you would find that verne and I

came to a much more civil
resolution.

We threw horseshoes.

Good for you, Laverne.

At each other's ankles.

- Wait a minute.
That's a great idea.

If you don't wanna fight

I'll just beat you
at something else.

Mulvany, that's ridiculous.

It's the least you can do.

Give him back his pride.

It's okay.

You're a big man
with a successful life.

You don't need to indulge
a little guy like me.

All right, fine, fine.

But we'll do something else.

How about darts?

Got a bad shoulder.

- Basketball.
- Can't jump.

If you think of something
let me know.

Hockey.

Can't skate.

What about wrestling?
No, that's fixed.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the museum will be closing
in 15 minutes.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
Something came up.

Something or someone?

Okay, someone, my boss.

Did you see the new exhibit?

Is this a new boss
or an old boss

who wants you back?

It's my regular boss.

Look, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I just lost track of the time.

- That's fine.
You're here.

Let's have our date.

Okay, sounds like fun.

That's interesting.

What do you think?

I see deceit,

betrayal,

infidelity.

Carol, it's a clown.

No, no, no, no, she's right.

Somebody finally understands
my work.

Carol, are you all right?

Okay, Kevin, look,

let's just lay our cards
on the table, all right?

I'm aunt Martha.

Okay, and I'm uncle Kevin.

Help me out here, Carol.

The dade county crier.

My advice column,
you wrote to me.

I told you to go to the museum
to meet women.

Blue coat, old spice, we met.

You don't have
the slightest idea

what I'm talking about, do you?

No, I don't.

My god.

You're not
wistful in Miami, are you?

No, I'm confused in a museum.

What are you saying?

You thought you were
meeting some guy

who wrote to you for advice?

Kevin, I'm so sorry.

Man, I gotta tell you
this is really weird.

I know, and I wouldn't blame you

if you never wanted
to see me again.

Well, what if I do?

Do you?

Well, I know
it's a little weird,

but you know,
if you hadn't have done it

we wouldn't have met.

Okay, where would aunt Martha
advise me

to take my girl tonight?

Any place you want.

Come on.

All right!

All right!
Double sixes!

I'm out of jail, I go to chance,

I take a card, go back to jail.

Your turn, Weston.

I pass.

You can't pass.

And you've been around
this board five times

and you haven't bought a thing.

Fine, all right, yeah.

I'll buy the next thing
I land on.

Fine.
One, two, three, four.

Boardwalk.

It figures.

Come on, doubles.

Box cars again!
My luck is changing!

I am out of here.

Ha ha ha!

Advance token to boardwalk.

Yeah, story of my life.

- Come on.
It's only a game.

It's easy for you.

You're the race car.

We rolled for the race car.

I didn't make you
take the thimble.

It doesn't matter.

I mean, it's just like
everything else.

The dice never roll for me.

They never have.

Tornado, listen to me, please.

Pay attention to me.

Just because somebody wins
a fight or lands on boardwalk

doesn't make you
less of a person.

Come on,
you've gotta stop looking

at what other people have.

Start looking at what's
out there for you to get.

Hey, looks to me like
you're a pretty good salesman.

How good can I be?

I've been here four days,
haven't sold you a damn thing.

Honestly, I can't leave you
alone for a minute.

Look at all these supplies.

Laverne, I paid for it
with my own money.

It's not gonna go bad.

Just have them put it
in the storage room.

Gordon, m.J.

Ha.
Of course it worked.

Listen, there's this guy
in Tallahassee

that I went to
junior high school with,

yeah, he beat me out
in a spelling bee.

So I'll give you a call
when I get down there.

Ha.

Ha.

No. No.

Yes.

It is art.

Let me see.

Why do I look so mad?

Because you hate the dog.

I don't hate the dog.

Okay, then the dog hates you.