Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 7, Episode 11 - Single White Male - full transcript

- Morning, all!
- Morning, Charles.

- I suppose you want breakfast.
- No, thanks.

I just had a yummy breakfast
at home.

Eggs florentine,
croissants with marmalade

and fresh-ground
Nicaraguan coffee.

Where'd you get
that kind of breakfast?

The women you sleep with
can't figure out

which end of a pop-tart
goes in the toaster.

Besides, the next morning,

aren't they too busy
slamming their heads

against the bathroom mirror?



- This wasn't a babe.
My new roommate cooked it.

Since when did you get
a roommate?

Since I discovered he comes
with his own big-screen TV.

Anyway, Hank's a chef
on our ship

and he went through
a nasty break-up

he needed a place to stay.

Plus, he's great-looking!

Why is that important
to you, Charley?

- Are you kidding?
Women swarm to this guy

like mosquitoes
to one of those bug-zappers.

It's gonna be great!

Bzzt! One for him.

Bzzt! One for me.
- Yeah.

- So, bug-boy's a looker?
- When do we get to meet him?



- Well, right now if you want.
He's right outside.

Hey, Hank!
I want you to meet some people.

And, Carol, try not to make
a fool of yourself.

Please!

Sorry about my appearance,
I was just working on my car.

I'm Hank Farrell.

- Hi...
- Carol Weston.

Nice to meet you, hunk.

- Hey, you said "hunk."
Hey, Hank, she said "hunk."

No, no, I didn't,
I said "Hank."

I can't believe
you said "hunk," Carol...

Shut up, Charley!

- Sweetheart, sweetheart...
Hi! I'm Harry Weston,

this is our friend Sofia.

- Hi, sweetie.
You got a grandpa?

Well, I really gotta
get back to work.

Li-listen, if you need
any tools, I mean...

All my stuff is in...

Charley's garage.

Well, thanks. It was very nice
to meet all of you.

It was very nice
meeting all of you, too.

So, Carol, I guess you'll be
buzzing around my house

like a horny little mosquito.

Grow up, Charley! I mean,
sure he's a handsome man,

but I'm not just interested
in the way a man looks.

I'm interested in the...

Holy moley!
He dropped his wrench.

That's it, pick it up, baby.

Bzzt!

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on...

...all right, okay, all right,
Earl, listen, I don't know.

I'll see what I can do.

Damn.
- What's wrong, Harry?

I'm supposed to play golf
this weekend.

One of the guys
in my regular foursome

got struck by lightning.

My god! Is he okay?

Yeah! No, no, he's fine, he...

He just laughs out of context
a little and...

He's afraid to follow through
on cloudy days.

Anyway...

We need a fourth.
Know anybody who plays golf?

Yeah... me.

I don't know, Maxine.

I don't think you'd enjoy it.

Why not?

Well, these guys are
always telling dirty stories

and pulling
stupid practical jokes.

I mean, they embarrass me
sometimes.

You mean you're excludin' her
just 'cause she's a woman?

She can tell dirty stories,
too, you know.

And her practical jokes are just
as stupid as the next guy's.

Plus, she can cuss a blue streak
and belch like a trucker.

I am quite a catch, aren't I?

- Hey, why didn't you ask me?
- You play golf?

I most certainly do.

Just last week I stroked
a 3-foot birdie putt

that rolled
right in the clown's mouth.

- I'm telling you, Harry.
Women throw themselves at Hank.

We've already got
eight phone numbers.

And when he can't handle
'em all,

I'll be there to soak up
the overflow.

I'm like
the paper towel of love.

And I'm honored to be
your friend.

Here we are.

Hey, guys!
- Hey-hey! Ready to go!

- All right!
- This is Charley dietz,

Charley, this is Earl and bud.

- Hi.
- How you doin'?

- Hi.
- Hey, welcome aboard, Jack!

Say, listen, you know,
before we play,

we always like
to make a little bet.

You wanna kick in 20 bucks?

Sure! What's... what's the bet?

Ha ha... whether or not we
could con you out of 20 bucks.

That's great... hey,
let me know if I win, okay?

Guys, what are you doing?

Charley's not our fourth.
Maxine isn't here yet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... Maxine?

You got a woman?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that?

I'm sick of women!

They're always complaining
about some problem or other.

Earl, you're a gynecologist!

Listen, Harry, did you hear
the one about the guy

that went into the bar and said

he could play the piano
without hands?

No, no, no, I don't wanna
hear... I don't wanna hear

any of that kind of stuff
around Maxine.

And no pranks!

It's gonna be tough enough
for her to play

with a bunch of guys,
so just lay off.

All right, here we go.

Hey, Maxine!
Come on in, dear.

How are you?
This is Earl and bud.

- Yeah, yeah, great.
Let's just go.

- Wait... wait a minute, Earl.
Listen, Maxine...

Before we play we always like
to make a little bet, see?

You wanna kick in 20 bucks?

Sure... what's the bet?

Whether or not we could
con you outta 20 bucks.

Then I guess I win.

I just gave you
a dry-cleaning coupon.

Ahem. So you did.

- 20 bucks, right?
- Right.

Get a load 'a this broad!

She waltzes in here,
never played with us before,

and right away
she's in our face!

You're okay, Maxine!

Thanks, Earl... by the way,

those are really ugly pants.

Fine, listen, I should've
known you all would get along,

I'm just gonna tell Carol
I'm leaving.

Listen, maxi,
don't worry about a thing,

we're not gonna pull
any practical jokes on you.

Aw, that's too bad.

Here I went and bought one
of those exploding golf balls.

I love these things!

All right, let's go!

I can't wait to smack
that first ball!

- What's... what's...
What's funny?

All: Nothing!
Nothing, nothing.

Come on!

Hey, Hank, I'm callin' that
babe we met at the car wash.

Remember her?

The one
with the nice headlights?

Charley, I wouldn't
get my hopes up too high.

Deborah, hi.

Charley dietz...
We met this morning.

A wash and a super seal?

No, no,
that was my roommate Hank.

I'm the one
who left his windows down.

Yeah, dumb like a fox.

I got the interior wash
for free.

Hello?

I thought I lost you.

Why don't you invite her
over for dinner tomorrow night?

I'll cook.
- Yeah, great!

Listen, Deborah, how'd you like
to come to my place

tomorrow for a fabulous
gourmet dinner?

Yeah, I'm a great cook!

Well, I'm makin'...
What am I makin'?

Cornish game hens
and a grand Marnier sauce

wild rice and asparagus
and a garlic aioli.

Chicken.

Yeah, Hank'll be there too.

Okay, see you at 7:00.

That must be my friends.

Thanks for doin' this, Hank.

- Hey, it's my pleasure.
I owe you one for puttin' me up.

Hey, guys!

Todd, Danny,
this is my friend Charley.

- Hey, Charley.
- Hi.

We'd better get a move on, Hank.

So, you guys
are going out tonight?

Yeah, gonna see a show,
maybe get a drink.

- Need a designated cool guy?
- Charley!

You're welcome to join us!

Great, well,
let's rock 'n' roll!

You two aren't together,
are you?

Good lord, no!

Even if he were gay,
Charley's not my type.

Can we get
a round of beers here?

Boy! Slim pickings
on the chick front tonight?

Guys, maybe we should
go to another bar.

I don't think Charley's
gonna be comfortable here.

But we told Ben and Peter

we'd meet 'em here
after the show.

You know how snippy Peter gets.

- Aw, Hank, it's fine.
You know,

sometimes it's great just to
come to a real guy bar.

You know?
Hang out with other men

and watch a game on the tube.

Torvill and Dean
are in the ice dancing finals.

Well, I really appreciate
your being so open-minded.

In fact, you're one of
the only guys on the ship

that always treats me
the same as anyone else.

Well, Hank, you're not like
the other guys.

You treat me with respect,
you don't make fun of me and...

Well, not to mention
your little bags of potpourri

have given the house
a really lovely aroma.

Thanks, I like you too.

I like to think we're
as close as two guys can get.

You know, if your friends
don't stop dancing together,

people are gonna think...

My god.

You're gay.

You didn't know?

How could I possibly have known?

Charley, I've been dating
a guy named Ricky for two years.

There's a picture of him by
my bed in a heart-shaped frame.

I thought
that was some president.

And when you used to say "I'm
going out with Ricky tonight,"

I thought you meant
a "ricki lake" Ricky,

not a "Ricky Ricardo" Ricky.

Look, I hope this won't affect
our friendship, Charley.

Well...

Don't be silly, of course not...

It's the '90s.
I'm a sophisticated guy.

Do me a favor.
Will you dance with me?

Listen, you see that guy
over there?

I wanna make sure
he knows I'm not interested.

So do me a favor, would ya?

Kiss me.

Okay. Just make it quick.

I've got a show to do.

Woof!

All right...

Yeah, fine, yeah.
I'm coming, coming, coming...

Good, you're up.

Charley, it's... it's 2:00 in
the morning. What do you want?

Harry, can I sleep
on your couch?

No!

Okay, you take the couch,
I'll take the bed.

Come... no, Charley, please,
what's going on?

Well, can you keep a secret?

Charley, I'm exhausted!

I spent the whole day picking
exploded golf-ball shrapnel

out of my hair.

- You missed one.
- Just...

What's your problem?

Okay, okay, here it is.

Hank's gay.

Yeah? So what?

Well, Harry,
I'm living with a gay guy!

Look, Charley if... if Hank
made a pass at you...

Then I'd say
that you have a problem.

And that Hank could do
a whole lot better.

But... I mean,
nothing's happened.

Has it?

No! Of course not!

Okay, I slow-danced
with a transvestite.

And he wasn't a bad kisser...
But that's it!

Hey, you look nice, Charley!

What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.
It's a good-looking shirt.

I don't think
it's so good-looking.

Charley...

You having a problem dealing
with my sexual orientation?

I don't know
why you'd think that.

You just took a shower
with a baseball bat.

You peeked!

- I didn't need to.
There's a wet bat on the floor

and a huge dent in the soap!

You realize
how ridiculous that is?

Well, of course I do!

I was the one who was trying
to wash his hair

with a bat between his knees.

Look, Charley, I'm sorry.

I mean, I guess I shouldn't have
assumed you knew...

Let's make this easy, I'll...

Stay in a hotel
until I find my own place.

Well, if you think that's best.

Sorry it didn't work out, Hank.

Yeah.

Listen, good luck
with your date.

You gonna be okay
making the dinner?

Sure!

Could you just like, though,
walk me through it?

Okay.

Rub the hens with olive oil.

Put a little tarragon
under the skin.

Meanwhile, cook your wild rice

while you're peeling
the chestnuts,

and then make
your garni bouquet.

Rosemary, coriander, four
peppercorns, medium bay leaf.

Hmph. Boy.

You really have to be smart
to be gay.

Maybe I should stay
through dinner.

Yeah.

Hi, Sofia!

So, why are you dressed
like a slut?

I'm dressed to walk the dog.

No, you're dressed
to walk the streets.

You're gonna cruise

the beefcake next-door,
aren't you?

Sofia, do you honestly think
that I would stoop

to such a blatantly transparent
attempt to bump into Hank?

You bet your wonderbra I do.

Sofia...

You silly little pixie!

- Carol...
- Yeah?

The dog!

Come on, dreyfuss!

- Golf again, Harry?
- Golf... yeah, golf!

That's what
it was supposed to be.

I've had it
with the three of them!

When I wasn't looking,

Maxine put saran wrap
over one of the holes

I wound up 16 putting the green

before I figured it out.

Well, there'll always
be more putts.

And apparently,
you'll always be one of them.

I'm starting to get
the same feeling myself.

Would you look at that!

Can you believe barkley
missed five shots in a row!

Why not? Harry did!

Yeah, and Harry didn't
have people booing

and throwing cups of beer
at his head.

Actually, I... I did,
if you recall, Maxine.

Well, Harry, I'm not sayin'
your putting needs work, but...

The gophers
felt so sorry for you,

they were digging you
extra holes.

- Kaboom! She got ya again!
- Yeah, I know...

Hello. Yeah, hold on.

Earl, it's bunny.

How does she track me down?

It's like living
with a bounty hunter!

Hi, honey.

Well, I'm... I'm just watching
a ball game with Maxine...

Okay, okay.
I'm... I'm on my way. Mwah!

Come on, bud, I gotta
get back to the cell block

before lock down.

So, Maxine...

Hey, you wanna play around
with us next Saturday morning?

Only if my boyfriend

won't play around with me
next Friday night!

- Is she a great guy or what?
- Yeah!

- See you later, Maxine!
- Bye, Max!

- I'll see you...
So long... so long... phht!

Well, I better
hit the road, too.

Same time next weekend?

Actually, I... I don't think
I can make it.

You'd better find yourself
another four.

- That's too bad.
What's up?

- Well, I have to visit my...
My aunt up in Virginia.

Harry, do you have a problem
with me joining your group?

No, why?

Well, because you've been kind
of cool to me, and,

your aunt in Virginia is dead.

Look, Maxine...

I had to talk the guys into
letting you into the foursome.

Next thing I know,
we're not playing golf anymore,

we're playing
practical jokes now.

Well, Harry, I was just
trying to be one of the guys,

can't you take it?

Yeah, I could take it
as well as anybody else,

but come on, give me
a break, Maxine.

Spread it around!

You're slinging it all at me.

Sorry, Harry.

I guess I went too far.

I didn't mean to make you cry.

I didn't cry!

It was that... onion gum
you gave me.

So if I, promise to behave,

- you'll play next weekend?
- I don't know...

We can glue their shoes
to the golf cart!

Maybe I can make it, yeah.

This pate is delicious!

Yes, Charley,
you've really outdone yourself.

What's in it?

Hank, why don't you tell her?
You watched me make it!

It's goose liver.

Nnn!

All this and a sense of humor.
What a guy!

Hi! I was just toddling by
with my dog.

Listen, before you start
drooling all over Hank,

I have to tell you something.

I am not here to drool on
Hank, peabrain.

Now let me in.
- Okey-dokey.

Hi, Hank!

I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you were entertaining.

Carol, this is Deborah, my date.

You're welcome to join us
for dinner.

Well, I wouldn't want to impose.

Go home, dreyfuss.

Would you like some help?

I'm sure you boys could use
a woman's touch.

- Trust me, Carol.
I got it covered.

Charley...

I think your soup's ready.

Well, thanks, but I'd really
like to eat with everybody else.

This guy!

Two bachelors
throwing a dinner party.

I bet they don't even know
which fork goes on the...

Wow! Finger bowls!

My god!
Are these Rose petals?

I know!

I never would've thought
Charley would be so worldly

and sophisticated.

Yes, a lot of people miss that.

So, Carol, you live next door.

Why haven't you tried
to pick him off yet?

Well...

I don't believe in guns.

Dinner is served!

That smells delicious!

It's so nice to meet a man
who can cook who isn't...

You know.

Suffering from
a broken wrist... yes, many...

Great chefs are victims
of tragic kitchen accidents.

- No, no, no.
What I mean is...

All the great guys
are either married or fags.

- Excuse me, will you?
- Wait a minute...

Deborah...

I wish you wouldn't use
that kind of talk in my house.

Good for you, Charley!

A friend of mine
happens to be gay.

Very good friend.

And there's no better person
in the world than him.

Well said.

I just hope Hank still
thinks of me as his friend.

- ...um...
- I had no idea.

Yeah, well, get a clue, honey!

You know, suddenly I'm feeling
a little under the weather.

I'd better go home, Charley.

That's a good idea.

You look kinda lousy.

Yeah, well, good night.

Charley,
I'm really proud of you.

Thanks, Charley.

Well... you're my friend,

and that's
the most important thing.

And... well...

I've been thinkin', and...

I'd like you to stay.

Thanks.

But I called Ricky
this afternoon,

and we're gonna give it
another try.

But we've made a home
here together!

What's Ricky got
that I don't have?

Come in!

Hey, Max. How you doing?
Earl and bud aren't here yet.

Actually, they're not coming.

Seems their wives heard
a little too much about Maxine,

and they're jealous of me.

Isn't that ridiculous?

- I mean, I don't know.
You're sexy, you're charming.

You can... you can belch
the alphabet.

- That's true.
- Yeah.

So it's just the two of us?
- No, I rounded up

a couple of more players.
- All right!

Hey now!

Okay, how many strokes off
for hittin' a squirrel?

- All right, who else...
Who else is playing?

Outta my way...

I'm lookin' for a rich old guy
who can still swing.

Foreplay!