Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Ballad of Shady Pines - full transcript
Is that the baby?
Mommy, I have diaper rash.
Gotcha!
Daddy, will you stop fooling
around with the baby monitor?
He thinks he's funny.
He is not funny.
Pretty funny?
So funny I'm getting
laugh lines.
What is... what is this?
I'm charting the best route
for our trip this weekend.
Honey, you're all over the map.
Your aunt Shirley
lives in Orlando.
It's straight up the turnpike.
No! I will not have my
son breathing highway fumes.
Okay, we'll take
the ocean route.
And drive by
that nuclear reactor?
No.
Fine, then we'll take route 27.
Orange groves. I will not
have Scotty witnessing
the plight
of the migrant worker.
Carol, I have an idea.
Let's just pack him in styrofoam
and ship him parcel post.
♪ I'm always here...
♪ ...rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
Maxine, Maxine...
This is an historic occasion.
Write down the date,
the time, the place,
seal it, put it in a safe.
Laverne Todd...
Is late.
No, she isn't.
I told her she could sleep in.
So close.
She hasn't been
gettin' much shut-eye
since she started fillin' in
for her friend
at Sophia's retirement home.
Oy vey! The traffic
I had to schlep through!
What a pain in my tokus!
I was speakin' that yiddish
again, wasn't I?
Like a maven.
That's what I get
for stayin' up all night
a-kibitzin'
with Mrs. Goldfarb.
So, how's Sophia doing?
Doctor, ain't you heard?
Sophia's a-goin' steady.
A-goin' steady?
You mean, like "pinned"?
Kinda.
Mr. Plotkin gave her his
medic alert bracelet.
How... how sweet.
It's medically unwise,
but sweet.
- Sweet?
It's downright romantic.
I mean, you should've seen
those two little lovebirds
a-curled up
on their heatin' pad.
♪ Feel so young
care to dance?
I'd love to.
♪ Bells to be rung
I tell ya...
For a man with an artificial
hip, you can really swing.
♪ 'Cause you make me feel
♪ so young
Hey, Vivian, you take requests?
Sure, Sophia.
Go to bed.
Well,
I better get back upstairs,
I... I like to watch
the 11:00 news.
But it's only 8:30.
If I hurry, I can just make it.
Nathan, that's some jacket.
Did anyone ever tell you
you're a snappy dresser?
Many times.
They were lying.
I'm gonna tickle you.
I'm gonna let you.
You all go together
like spaghetti and matzah balls.
So, Florence nightingale,
how's the bedpan business?
I got my hands full.
Hey, matzah balls,
how 'bout getting us some punch?
Okay, and...
Feel free
to talk about me when I'm gone.
Dream on, fabio.
So...
What do you think?
Quite a catch?
He's a keeper for sure.
Do y'all think
you'll get married?
- Nah, I don't think so.
I'm catholic, he's Jewish.
So? What's wrong with that?
It would kill his mother.
- Carol, what is...
What's all this?
Just a few provisions
for Scotty's first road trip.
Honey, we'll never fit
all this in the car.
Well, I thought
we'd take two cars.
Two cars?
You will drive
the escort vehicle,
creating a zone of safety,
and I will follow...
- No, Carol. No.
One car, and one car only.
Fine, but I wanna leave
for Orlando at 4:00 am.
Friday's a very big travel day.
So, guys going out of town?
No.
But you just said
you're going on a trip.
I don't recall that.
Just now. To your dad.
My daddy's not here.
So what? Am I dreaming?
Okay.
Cool.
Hi, Charles.
Hey, wait a minute.
This can't be a dream.
Otherwise you'd be naked.
You lied to me.
Why?
If you must know,
I was afraid you would offer
to house sit.
So you're saying
you don't trust me?
Basically, yes.
Aren't I your best friend?
Basically, no.
Harry?
"Best" is...
Such an ambiguous word,
you know?
Fine, if you think
that little of me,
if you think
I'm so irresponsible,
I'll give you
your house key back.
- Fine.
- I can't. I lost it.
Mr. Plotkin,
you forgot your vitamins.
Come in, Laverne.
Just, put them on the dresser.
I, knew you'd come.
Well, you forgot these,
Mr. Plotkin.
- On purpose.
That's how I knew you'd come.
And, call me Nathan.
Mr. Plotkin, what do you think
you're doin'?
Don't be coy.
I saw the way you looked
at me at dinner.
Everybody looked at you
at dinner.
Your teeth fell out.
- I was...
- I was just showboating.
You like it with the lights on.
Now, you stop this foolishness.
- Hey!
Enough with this clapping.
You just shut off my respirator.
I have work to do.
How dare you do this to Sophia?
Sophia's a fun old gal,
but god, I love a woman
in light stockings.
Come on, let's dance.
I ain't a-gonna dance with you.
Would you dance for me?
Now, Mr. Plotkin, you are
behavin' like a horse's ass.
I'm a-leavin' this room and we
will not speak of this again.
All right, all right,
I... I'm sorry.
Laverne... my pills.
Take my temperature,
I'm on fire.
Mr. Plotkin, my word.
Now what are you doin'?
Nathan...
Nathan?
Laverne?
- Sophia, I can explain...
- Don't bother.
I know foreplay when I see it.
But Sophia...
- My nerves.
- My nerves.
My nerves.
My nerves.
Laverne, what's the matter?
- Are you deaf?
It's my nerves.
Would you like some
quiet time alone?
Please god?
Sophia's boyfriend
hit on me last night.
You're kidding.
If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
What... does Sophia know?
She ought to,
she walked in mid-hit.
Well, did you explain it to her?
- Well, I couldn't.
She ran off to her room
and cranked up the soundtrack
from that cocoon.
I figure she'll talk to me
when she's ready.
There you are, you two-bit,
low-rent floozy.
She's ready.
Sophia, what are you doing?
- The evil eye.
It doesn't work with glasses.
All right that's... come on,
come on, please.
That's enough.
- Fine.
I'm getting a headache anyway.
- Sophia, about last night...
- Save your breath.
Nathan explained everything.
You tried
to have your way with him,
but thank god he was strong.
You...
You... you Amy Fisher, you!
So dreyfuss
gets fed twice a day,
the sprinklers go on at 5:00
and the trash goes out at 7:00.
Okay? Any questions?
Yes.
Why is Charley at the window?
Charley.
Yes, you. Get in here.
Why is he out there
in the first place?
I don't know, but he seems
to keep the crows away.
Charley, what are you doing
out there?
Just standing on the outside,
looking in.
I think the real question,
Harry, is:
What are you doing?
I was showing Maxine the ropes.
Well, you wouldn't have to
show me the ropes.
I happen to know they're
in the garage.
Look, Charley, I don't mean
to hurt your feelings,
but Maxine
is watching the house.
That's the end of it.
- Okay, fine, Harry.
No problem.
Maxine, if you need anything,
and you will,
don't hesitate to call me.
555-1685.
1684.
Well, thank you,
Mr. Memory.
Charley!
For god's sake, get in here.
Didn't anybody ever
teach you how to bark?
Now who were you doing
out there this time?
That's how much you know
about house sitting.
I was patrolling the perimeter.
Charley, do you mind?
I'd like to have
a little privacy.
I wanna take a nice hot bath,
curl up with a good book,
and enjoy myself.
So go home!
Hello.
Yes, this is Dr. Douglas.
Well, get him
to the emergency room.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Charley, I've got
a ruptured appendix.
No wonder you're so cranky.
Not me. My patient.
I have to
get to the emergency room.
I'll be back as soon as I can,
Charley.
My god. I forgot
to turn off the bath.
No, don't worry about it,
I got it.
Thanks. And don't forget
to lock the door.
Way ahead 'a ya.
When I leave, you idiot.
Just for that,
I'm not gonna lock it.
Hey, it's time for baywatch.
Dreyfuss. Be quiet.
This is my favorite part, where
they recite the lifeguard oath.
You can almost feel
the ocean spray.
Time for another bowl
of popcorn,
this one's full of water.
Bathtub.
Nothing.
Nurse, I need fluids.
Hey, that's fast.
Must be getting near Christmas.
Laverne, come in.
Hello, Mr. Plotkin.
I think you know why I'm here.
Absolutely. You came back
for a little action.
I did no such thing.
Come on, doll face,
once you've had grey,
there's no other way.
Now, you listen up.
I have had enough
of your shenanigans,
and you're ruinin'
my friendship with Sophia.
Now, I want you to march
yourself right down to her room
and tell her exactly
what happened last night.
Forget it.
Well, I can see
I'm wastin' my time here.
And to think I snuck you
extra tapioca.
And when you decide
you want me, don't come begging.
I find it a turn-off.
Boy, that's a perfect match.
That's why they call us
"the plaster masters".
Well, whatever it costs,
it's worth it.
So how much?
Here you go.
What? Are you crazy?
Hey, I had to bring 3 guys,
it's the middle of the night.
We missed the end of baywatch.
Okay, okay, okay.
This is really gonna clean out
the old checking account.
And then some.
My god. It's Maxine.
Quick. Out the back.
But, look, if it starts to
bubble or anything like that...
- Yeah, right bye...
Good. Move. Move. Move.
Hey. What are
you guys doing here?
I thought you were
supposed to be in Orlando.
We had to come back,
because daddy forgot
Scotty's favorite blanket.
- You said you had it.
- I said I had his pacifier.
Who knows what you say?
The blanket is "biggie."
The paci is "pookie."
Where's... where's Maxine?
At the hospie.
Your precious Maxine
abandoned your house
just because
some guy's appendix burst.
Charley,
obviously it was an emergency.
Face it, Harry,
Maxine dropped the ball,
and who was there to fall on it?
Ol' unreliable,
irresponsible Charley dietz.
Look, Charley, I'm sorry
if we hurt your feelings, but...
I mean, with your track record,
we sometimes get the feeling
if we left you alone
in the house for five minutes
you'd destroy the place.
Well, I guess
I proved you wrong.
- Well, I guess...
I guess you did.
Come on, pal, give me a hand
with the bags, will you?
Okay, buddy.
And I guess you know now
who you can trust.
I'm tellin' you,
he was after me.
- Come on, Laverne.
- The man's 80 years old.
You trying to tell me
you couldn't outrun him?
That is not the point.
The point is how do I
make it right with Sophia?
Well, the two of you
will work it out.
Time has a way of taking care
of these things.
Well... Nathan is dead
and you killed him.
- What?
- His ticker gave out.
They found him this morning.
Sophia, that's terrible.
But how's that Laverne's fault?
She went to his room last night.
They had a quarrel.
There were witnesses.
But when I left, he was fine.
Maybe a little red in the face,
but he was fine.
Then you admit it.
I want the world to know
this woman is a black widow.
Excuse me,
my mother's a black widow.
Sophia...
I only went to tell Mr. Plotkin
to do the right thing.
I'm not falling for any
of your hillbilly tricks.
Sophia, I hate to be the one
to tell you this, but...
Mr. Plotkin made a pass at me.
He made a pass at you?
- Two.
Two passes.
- My Nathan?
I...
I... can't believe it.
Lordy.
Well, Laverne, this is just
something that happened.
You can't blame yourself
for the man's heart attack.
No.
But I can blame myself
for hurtin' Sophia.
Did you see
the look on her face?
She believed that man cared
for her and I took that away.
I had to go and tell her
the truth.
Telling the truth
is all you can do.
- You're wrong, doctor.
I can do a lot better.
I can lie my tokus off.
Folks, as you are aware...
Nathan plotkin passed on
last night.
Now, I'm gonna leave
the mic open
to those of you who wanna say
a few words in his memory.
Just don't mention
how cheap he was.
Vivian?
- ♪ You make me feel so young
- my...
- ♪ You make me feel like...
- Viv, viv...
Please.
Well.
Is... is this thing on?
Come in.
Who... who's there?
Excuse me,
I got to get to the door.
Well, as you can see,
in our excitement,
some of us forgot
our medication.
Let me tell you about Nathan.
He was a good man
and a so-so dancer.
He was a man who knew
what he wanted.
Boiled chicken for lunch,
brisket for dinner.
We'll all miss him.
Sophia...
Could I say somethin'?
And now, a few words
from the assassin.
Um...
First off, I wou...
I would just like to say
I'm just terribly sorry
about Mr. Plotkin.
Um, it is true we argued.
And I shoulda held my tongue,
but how much can a woman take?
Nathan spurned me,
and I lost my temper.
Yes, I wanted him
and I threw myself at him.
But he wouldn't have me.
And why?
Because his one true love
was that woman.
Sophia petrillo.
Excuse me.
It so happens
that Nathan loved me.
The hell you say.
He gave me
his medic alert bracelet.
- Yeah?
Well, for your information,
the man died in my arms.
She must've been singing to him.
Vivian?
Well, it was late,
Laverne had left.
After it happened,
I snuck out of his room.
I mean, I'm sorry, I didn't
wanna get a reputation.
Play something, Esther, please.
So that whole speech about
your throwing yourself at him...
That was a bunch of baloney?
Pretty much.
Well, except for the part
about you being special to him.
Every time he looked at you,
he had that little twinkle.
- Nathan twinkled at everyone.
He had a glass eye.
Now, Sophia, you know
in your heart you were the one.
Thanks, kid.
- Yes, it was.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
- It was not.
Will you settle a problem,
Laverne?
Shoot.
Is sex fun?
Now, if you don't remember,
you weren't a-doin' it right.
I told you.
Mommy, I have diaper rash.
Gotcha!
Daddy, will you stop fooling
around with the baby monitor?
He thinks he's funny.
He is not funny.
Pretty funny?
So funny I'm getting
laugh lines.
What is... what is this?
I'm charting the best route
for our trip this weekend.
Honey, you're all over the map.
Your aunt Shirley
lives in Orlando.
It's straight up the turnpike.
No! I will not have my
son breathing highway fumes.
Okay, we'll take
the ocean route.
And drive by
that nuclear reactor?
No.
Fine, then we'll take route 27.
Orange groves. I will not
have Scotty witnessing
the plight
of the migrant worker.
Carol, I have an idea.
Let's just pack him in styrofoam
and ship him parcel post.
♪ I'm always here...
♪ ...rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
Maxine, Maxine...
This is an historic occasion.
Write down the date,
the time, the place,
seal it, put it in a safe.
Laverne Todd...
Is late.
No, she isn't.
I told her she could sleep in.
So close.
She hasn't been
gettin' much shut-eye
since she started fillin' in
for her friend
at Sophia's retirement home.
Oy vey! The traffic
I had to schlep through!
What a pain in my tokus!
I was speakin' that yiddish
again, wasn't I?
Like a maven.
That's what I get
for stayin' up all night
a-kibitzin'
with Mrs. Goldfarb.
So, how's Sophia doing?
Doctor, ain't you heard?
Sophia's a-goin' steady.
A-goin' steady?
You mean, like "pinned"?
Kinda.
Mr. Plotkin gave her his
medic alert bracelet.
How... how sweet.
It's medically unwise,
but sweet.
- Sweet?
It's downright romantic.
I mean, you should've seen
those two little lovebirds
a-curled up
on their heatin' pad.
♪ Feel so young
care to dance?
I'd love to.
♪ Bells to be rung
I tell ya...
For a man with an artificial
hip, you can really swing.
♪ 'Cause you make me feel
♪ so young
Hey, Vivian, you take requests?
Sure, Sophia.
Go to bed.
Well,
I better get back upstairs,
I... I like to watch
the 11:00 news.
But it's only 8:30.
If I hurry, I can just make it.
Nathan, that's some jacket.
Did anyone ever tell you
you're a snappy dresser?
Many times.
They were lying.
I'm gonna tickle you.
I'm gonna let you.
You all go together
like spaghetti and matzah balls.
So, Florence nightingale,
how's the bedpan business?
I got my hands full.
Hey, matzah balls,
how 'bout getting us some punch?
Okay, and...
Feel free
to talk about me when I'm gone.
Dream on, fabio.
So...
What do you think?
Quite a catch?
He's a keeper for sure.
Do y'all think
you'll get married?
- Nah, I don't think so.
I'm catholic, he's Jewish.
So? What's wrong with that?
It would kill his mother.
- Carol, what is...
What's all this?
Just a few provisions
for Scotty's first road trip.
Honey, we'll never fit
all this in the car.
Well, I thought
we'd take two cars.
Two cars?
You will drive
the escort vehicle,
creating a zone of safety,
and I will follow...
- No, Carol. No.
One car, and one car only.
Fine, but I wanna leave
for Orlando at 4:00 am.
Friday's a very big travel day.
So, guys going out of town?
No.
But you just said
you're going on a trip.
I don't recall that.
Just now. To your dad.
My daddy's not here.
So what? Am I dreaming?
Okay.
Cool.
Hi, Charles.
Hey, wait a minute.
This can't be a dream.
Otherwise you'd be naked.
You lied to me.
Why?
If you must know,
I was afraid you would offer
to house sit.
So you're saying
you don't trust me?
Basically, yes.
Aren't I your best friend?
Basically, no.
Harry?
"Best" is...
Such an ambiguous word,
you know?
Fine, if you think
that little of me,
if you think
I'm so irresponsible,
I'll give you
your house key back.
- Fine.
- I can't. I lost it.
Mr. Plotkin,
you forgot your vitamins.
Come in, Laverne.
Just, put them on the dresser.
I, knew you'd come.
Well, you forgot these,
Mr. Plotkin.
- On purpose.
That's how I knew you'd come.
And, call me Nathan.
Mr. Plotkin, what do you think
you're doin'?
Don't be coy.
I saw the way you looked
at me at dinner.
Everybody looked at you
at dinner.
Your teeth fell out.
- I was...
- I was just showboating.
You like it with the lights on.
Now, you stop this foolishness.
- Hey!
Enough with this clapping.
You just shut off my respirator.
I have work to do.
How dare you do this to Sophia?
Sophia's a fun old gal,
but god, I love a woman
in light stockings.
Come on, let's dance.
I ain't a-gonna dance with you.
Would you dance for me?
Now, Mr. Plotkin, you are
behavin' like a horse's ass.
I'm a-leavin' this room and we
will not speak of this again.
All right, all right,
I... I'm sorry.
Laverne... my pills.
Take my temperature,
I'm on fire.
Mr. Plotkin, my word.
Now what are you doin'?
Nathan...
Nathan?
Laverne?
- Sophia, I can explain...
- Don't bother.
I know foreplay when I see it.
But Sophia...
- My nerves.
- My nerves.
My nerves.
My nerves.
Laverne, what's the matter?
- Are you deaf?
It's my nerves.
Would you like some
quiet time alone?
Please god?
Sophia's boyfriend
hit on me last night.
You're kidding.
If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
What... does Sophia know?
She ought to,
she walked in mid-hit.
Well, did you explain it to her?
- Well, I couldn't.
She ran off to her room
and cranked up the soundtrack
from that cocoon.
I figure she'll talk to me
when she's ready.
There you are, you two-bit,
low-rent floozy.
She's ready.
Sophia, what are you doing?
- The evil eye.
It doesn't work with glasses.
All right that's... come on,
come on, please.
That's enough.
- Fine.
I'm getting a headache anyway.
- Sophia, about last night...
- Save your breath.
Nathan explained everything.
You tried
to have your way with him,
but thank god he was strong.
You...
You... you Amy Fisher, you!
So dreyfuss
gets fed twice a day,
the sprinklers go on at 5:00
and the trash goes out at 7:00.
Okay? Any questions?
Yes.
Why is Charley at the window?
Charley.
Yes, you. Get in here.
Why is he out there
in the first place?
I don't know, but he seems
to keep the crows away.
Charley, what are you doing
out there?
Just standing on the outside,
looking in.
I think the real question,
Harry, is:
What are you doing?
I was showing Maxine the ropes.
Well, you wouldn't have to
show me the ropes.
I happen to know they're
in the garage.
Look, Charley, I don't mean
to hurt your feelings,
but Maxine
is watching the house.
That's the end of it.
- Okay, fine, Harry.
No problem.
Maxine, if you need anything,
and you will,
don't hesitate to call me.
555-1685.
1684.
Well, thank you,
Mr. Memory.
Charley!
For god's sake, get in here.
Didn't anybody ever
teach you how to bark?
Now who were you doing
out there this time?
That's how much you know
about house sitting.
I was patrolling the perimeter.
Charley, do you mind?
I'd like to have
a little privacy.
I wanna take a nice hot bath,
curl up with a good book,
and enjoy myself.
So go home!
Hello.
Yes, this is Dr. Douglas.
Well, get him
to the emergency room.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Charley, I've got
a ruptured appendix.
No wonder you're so cranky.
Not me. My patient.
I have to
get to the emergency room.
I'll be back as soon as I can,
Charley.
My god. I forgot
to turn off the bath.
No, don't worry about it,
I got it.
Thanks. And don't forget
to lock the door.
Way ahead 'a ya.
When I leave, you idiot.
Just for that,
I'm not gonna lock it.
Hey, it's time for baywatch.
Dreyfuss. Be quiet.
This is my favorite part, where
they recite the lifeguard oath.
You can almost feel
the ocean spray.
Time for another bowl
of popcorn,
this one's full of water.
Bathtub.
Nothing.
Nurse, I need fluids.
Hey, that's fast.
Must be getting near Christmas.
Laverne, come in.
Hello, Mr. Plotkin.
I think you know why I'm here.
Absolutely. You came back
for a little action.
I did no such thing.
Come on, doll face,
once you've had grey,
there's no other way.
Now, you listen up.
I have had enough
of your shenanigans,
and you're ruinin'
my friendship with Sophia.
Now, I want you to march
yourself right down to her room
and tell her exactly
what happened last night.
Forget it.
Well, I can see
I'm wastin' my time here.
And to think I snuck you
extra tapioca.
And when you decide
you want me, don't come begging.
I find it a turn-off.
Boy, that's a perfect match.
That's why they call us
"the plaster masters".
Well, whatever it costs,
it's worth it.
So how much?
Here you go.
What? Are you crazy?
Hey, I had to bring 3 guys,
it's the middle of the night.
We missed the end of baywatch.
Okay, okay, okay.
This is really gonna clean out
the old checking account.
And then some.
My god. It's Maxine.
Quick. Out the back.
But, look, if it starts to
bubble or anything like that...
- Yeah, right bye...
Good. Move. Move. Move.
Hey. What are
you guys doing here?
I thought you were
supposed to be in Orlando.
We had to come back,
because daddy forgot
Scotty's favorite blanket.
- You said you had it.
- I said I had his pacifier.
Who knows what you say?
The blanket is "biggie."
The paci is "pookie."
Where's... where's Maxine?
At the hospie.
Your precious Maxine
abandoned your house
just because
some guy's appendix burst.
Charley,
obviously it was an emergency.
Face it, Harry,
Maxine dropped the ball,
and who was there to fall on it?
Ol' unreliable,
irresponsible Charley dietz.
Look, Charley, I'm sorry
if we hurt your feelings, but...
I mean, with your track record,
we sometimes get the feeling
if we left you alone
in the house for five minutes
you'd destroy the place.
Well, I guess
I proved you wrong.
- Well, I guess...
I guess you did.
Come on, pal, give me a hand
with the bags, will you?
Okay, buddy.
And I guess you know now
who you can trust.
I'm tellin' you,
he was after me.
- Come on, Laverne.
- The man's 80 years old.
You trying to tell me
you couldn't outrun him?
That is not the point.
The point is how do I
make it right with Sophia?
Well, the two of you
will work it out.
Time has a way of taking care
of these things.
Well... Nathan is dead
and you killed him.
- What?
- His ticker gave out.
They found him this morning.
Sophia, that's terrible.
But how's that Laverne's fault?
She went to his room last night.
They had a quarrel.
There were witnesses.
But when I left, he was fine.
Maybe a little red in the face,
but he was fine.
Then you admit it.
I want the world to know
this woman is a black widow.
Excuse me,
my mother's a black widow.
Sophia...
I only went to tell Mr. Plotkin
to do the right thing.
I'm not falling for any
of your hillbilly tricks.
Sophia, I hate to be the one
to tell you this, but...
Mr. Plotkin made a pass at me.
He made a pass at you?
- Two.
Two passes.
- My Nathan?
I...
I... can't believe it.
Lordy.
Well, Laverne, this is just
something that happened.
You can't blame yourself
for the man's heart attack.
No.
But I can blame myself
for hurtin' Sophia.
Did you see
the look on her face?
She believed that man cared
for her and I took that away.
I had to go and tell her
the truth.
Telling the truth
is all you can do.
- You're wrong, doctor.
I can do a lot better.
I can lie my tokus off.
Folks, as you are aware...
Nathan plotkin passed on
last night.
Now, I'm gonna leave
the mic open
to those of you who wanna say
a few words in his memory.
Just don't mention
how cheap he was.
Vivian?
- ♪ You make me feel so young
- my...
- ♪ You make me feel like...
- Viv, viv...
Please.
Well.
Is... is this thing on?
Come in.
Who... who's there?
Excuse me,
I got to get to the door.
Well, as you can see,
in our excitement,
some of us forgot
our medication.
Let me tell you about Nathan.
He was a good man
and a so-so dancer.
He was a man who knew
what he wanted.
Boiled chicken for lunch,
brisket for dinner.
We'll all miss him.
Sophia...
Could I say somethin'?
And now, a few words
from the assassin.
Um...
First off, I wou...
I would just like to say
I'm just terribly sorry
about Mr. Plotkin.
Um, it is true we argued.
And I shoulda held my tongue,
but how much can a woman take?
Nathan spurned me,
and I lost my temper.
Yes, I wanted him
and I threw myself at him.
But he wouldn't have me.
And why?
Because his one true love
was that woman.
Sophia petrillo.
Excuse me.
It so happens
that Nathan loved me.
The hell you say.
He gave me
his medic alert bracelet.
- Yeah?
Well, for your information,
the man died in my arms.
She must've been singing to him.
Vivian?
Well, it was late,
Laverne had left.
After it happened,
I snuck out of his room.
I mean, I'm sorry, I didn't
wanna get a reputation.
Play something, Esther, please.
So that whole speech about
your throwing yourself at him...
That was a bunch of baloney?
Pretty much.
Well, except for the part
about you being special to him.
Every time he looked at you,
he had that little twinkle.
- Nathan twinkled at everyone.
He had a glass eye.
Now, Sophia, you know
in your heart you were the one.
Thanks, kid.
- Yes, it was.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
- It was not.
Will you settle a problem,
Laverne?
Shoot.
Is sex fun?
Now, if you don't remember,
you weren't a-doin' it right.
I told you.