Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 19 - Hog Heaven - full transcript
- Hi, doc.
Hi, dopey.
Here, I brought your mail.
Thank you, Sophia, dear.
It's just some bills, a catalog
and a letter
from your uncle Larry.
He's sending you a video camera!
It was practically open.
He's tired of waiting
for tapes of the baby.
Ew, daddy, this is some camera.
It has digital zoom,
two look sensitivity
and flying erase heads!
What are flying erase heads?
They were the tumbling act
on the Sullivan show.
I never heard of 'em.
Yes, that's because one
of them gave ed the finger.
They never worked again!
♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
No, I haven't been
avoiding your calls.
I do have feelings for you.
But you're putting
too much pressure on me.
No, I will not go away
with you this weekend.
Because it will make me
uncomfortable.
Goodbye, mama.
Wee!
The smoldering hills of Rebecca?
Medical book?
Keeps my heart
pumpin' pretty good.
Laverne, why do you
read that trash?
'Cause when it gets
borin' around here,
it's my way of escapin'.
Let me have it
when you're done with it.
- Bye, bye, dear.
I will see you...
Okay Laverne, I'm ready
for my next...
Where'd everybody go?
- Our work is done, Harry.
We've cured them all.
Course I could go
down to Reggie's coffee shop
and wait for someone
to have the tuna.
So, Harry, I picked up
a little something for the baby.
- Again? Maxine!
- No, Harry, I couldn't resist.
Those baby shoes
are cute enough to eat.
My uncle ned ate his shoes once.
'Course they was hush puppies.
So, I was wondering
if I could drop by
tomorrow night and see the baby.
Yeah, well,
I will check with Carol,
but I'm sure it'll be okay.
You know, we should invite
some friends over.
We'll make a little party
out of it.
There you go.
- Something wrong, Laverne?
- Could I come too?
Did you think
I wouldn't invite you?
- Did you?
- I haven't had the chance.
- What if you forgot?
- I'm sure you'd remind me.
That's what I just did.
All right, Laverne,
would you like to come?
I'll let you know.
What is... what was that?
Either a big-ass motorcycle
or Laverne's poking
band aids in the fan again.
Excuse me,
there's no smoking in here.
Yeah? Sorry.
Listen, I hear you
got yourselves
a real good looking nurse here.
Maxine, I'll handle this.
Okay.
- I'm a doctor.
- Can I be of service?
No, you're not my type.
Sorry, I like 'em
blonde and skinny.
You haven't seen his legs.
Which one of you'uns
used up the...
My lord.
Both:!
You think they know each other?
I'm sorry.
Dr. Douglas, Dr. Weston,
this is Sam farley,
an old friend of mine.
Friend? Hell, Laverne
and me are more than friends.
You might say I broke her in.
Yeah, first time
she ever rode a hog,
it was mine.
Dr. Weston, that is
a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
I saw easy rider, Laverne.
Come on, now why
don't you just knock off
and wrap them long legs of yours
across my engine?
He's paraphrasing the boss.
Who's the boss?
Tony danza.
I-I've still got
work here to do. I can't go.
- Why not?
We close in ten minutes.
Go on, take the rest
of the day off.
- Thank you.
- See you.
Boy, is that guy lucky.
What do you mean?
I was afraid
he was gonna have to
Duke it out with you.
She should've been here
an hour ago.
Calm down, Harry.
Everybody's entitled
to be late once in a while.
Not Laverne. The word "late"
is not in her vocabulary.
Along with thousands
of other words!
I never should've let her
ride off with that guy
in the first place.
Howdy.
Is that all you've got
to say for yourself, young lady?
"Howdy"?
Doody.
Well, for your information,
Maxine was very concerned
about you.
Thank god you were here
to hold my hand.
- All right. I'm late.
I'm sorry.
But last night,
Sam's bike broke down
and we was forced
to spend the night
a-sleepin' under the stars.
- Sounds romantic.
- It was.
Could we please
just get to work?
Reaver?
Reaver, dear?
What is chewin' on him?
I think he's having trouble
cozying up to your boyfriend.
I sure wish
he'd give Sam half a chance.
So, how'd you get hooked
up with Sam in the first place?
Well, the summer after
I graduated from high school,
I was sittin'
on my daddy's porch.
I was playin' Chinese checkers
with my second cousin Arlene,
who by the way cheats.
Is this important to the story?
No, but it is somethin'
people should know.
I'll spread the word.
Anyway, we were sittin' there,
when we started hearin' this
terrible rumblin' sound,
and out of nowhere
comes hundreds of motorcycles
roarin' by.
Arlene screamed.
At least I think she did.
I couldn't hear
for all that noise
but her face looked like this.
And one of them bikers
looked over at me and smiled.
I smiled right back at him.
And that was Sam.
No, that was Jake.
But turned out
he wasn't smilin'.
He's just pickin'
the bugs out of his teeth.
Is there a point here, Laverne?
I'm gettin' to it.
Anyway, Jake, the bug guy,
he introduced me to Sam.
Sittin' there on his Harley.
He was like a knight
on a shiny black horse.
But with wheels.
Two days later,
I rode off with Sam
to places unknown.
Anyway, to make
a long story short...
Too late.
After a while,
I realized two things.
Life on the road wasn't for me
and I needed a shower real bad.
So I went back to hickory
and applied to nursing school.
Well, everything worked out.
Not quite.
Sam still owns
a piece of my heart.
It's like one of them steaks
you get at sizzler
with that little flat toothpick
stickin' out of it.
But instead of sayin'
"medium rare,"
it says "Sam."
I think I know what you're
trying to say, Laverne.
And it's making me hungry.
Last night under the stars
while Sam was cleanin'
his plugs...
He popped the question.
That guy asked you to marry him?
No! He asked me
to be his old lady!
Now, look,
this is my second chance
at my first true love.
Laverne, so,
you mean you're gonna give up
everything you've worked
so hard for...
To run away with this man?
Doctor, put your
thinking cap on.
I'm not a-riding off with Sam!
He's a-movin' in with me.
F. Scotty Weston video
my life as a baby,
intro, take one.
What-what are you waiting for?
For you to say "action."
Action.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
once said
"in the real dark night
of the soul,
it is always 3:00
in the morning."
Hi, I'm Carol Weston.
Carol, don't you think
that's a bit much?
Cut! Daddy!
Work with me here.
This is important.
I wanna be able to show Scotty
how happy his childhood was
before some psychiatrist
turns him against me.
Now...
F. Scotty Weston video
my life as a baby,
intro, take two.
Okay. Action!
F. Scott Fitzgerald once...
I cannot work like this.
Well, good.
Wait. Give me the camera.
Carol, what are you doing?
- Just answer the door.
Pretend I'm not here.
How about you just go away?
Hey!
- Hi, Harry.
- Come on in, Max.
- Hi, Carol. Nice camera.
- No! Cut! Cut!
This isn't working for me.
Maxine, could you go outside
and try that again?
- Say what?
- No, Maxine.
You don't...
You don't have to.
She wants to.
Maxine, go back outside,
and remember,
you've just arrived.
Wait, wait.
I have a better idea.
Why don't you play it
like you were
just in the neighborhood
and you decided to drop in?
God, I'm good.
All right. Now, we're gonna
take this from the doorbell.
And don't forget, daddy.
Act surprised.
And...
Action!
Ding dong.
Where is that little
crumb snatcher?
Hi, I was just
in the neighborhood and...
Thought I'd drop by.
Have you gone mental, doctor?
You got a invite the same as me.
- Just act naturally, Laverne.
I'm not here.
Okey doke.
Listen, Sam had to make a stop,
but he'll be right on.
Wait, Sam's coming?
Laverne, look, I wish you
would've said something about...
Will you stop that?
That's him!
- Hey!
Sorry I'm late, doc.
Had to pick up my new bud.
Your boyfriend's cute, Laverne,
but he's no evel knievel.
She wanted me
to jump a school bus.
Wuss.
Hey! I didn't know
this was a costume party.
That's a good one.
- Charley, this is Sam.
- It's nice to meet you.
Don't tell me.
The village people.
Charley.
He's a biker.
Well, I didn't think
he was the Indian.
Hi, I'm Carol Weston.
I'm the mother/director.
Just act naturally.
A guy on our ship videotaped
the birth of his baby.
It's really neat to watch,
especially, when he runs it
in reverse.
Good. He's awake.
All right, everybody.
All right.
We're taping
this cinema veriete.
I need candid realism,
so just act spontaneously.
Here's some suggested dialog.
Hey...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you think you're doing here?
This is one bitchin' baby, doc.
Hey, excuse me.
Could you watch
your language, please?
You feeling better,
little guy? Sure we are.
- You see that, doctor?
- Yes, wonderful. Fabulous.
Good, good.
The juxtaposition
of hell on wheels
against new-born innocence
is riveting.
- Who's that?
Look at that.
Don't be rough with it.
This is not a toy we got here.
- I know that, doc.
I know that.
Look, he's real good
with young'uns.
He's got six or seven
nieces and nephews
back in lubbock.
Yeah, ain't dropped one yet.
- Yeah, thanks.
That's real nice.
Just put... put... put him down.
Just put him down.
Harry, can I talk to you?
Yeah.
He's just real touchy
when it comes to little Scotty.
Don't take it personal.
- How am I supposed to take it?
Harry, lighten up.
What are you talking about?
Well, you're treating Sam
like he's some kind of criminal.
How do you know he's not?
That's exactly the attitude
I'm talking about.
You're not even giving
the man a chance.
Well, I just think
that Laverne deserves better.
You're making that
abundantly clear.
It's making Laverne
uncomfortable.
Maxine, she's a grown woman.
It doesn't matter what I think.
Well, it does to Laverne.
She values your opinion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, and I value
your opinion too, Harry.
Which one is my best side
on camera?
Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- How was your day?
Same as yesterday.
How's yours?
- Real special.
I got you a little somethin'.
Hey.
Hey...
Little motorcycles.
What's the occasion?
- It's our anniversary.
Has it been a month already?
- A week.
- Yeah.
That's right.
I'm sorry, baby.
I just... I didn't get
you anything!
You know, I'm just...
I'm just awful with dates.
That's okay.
So guess where we're goin'
for supper.
Chicken chicken everywhere.
Didn't we go there last week?
Well, that's the thing.
If you go every Thursday
for a month,
you get a free chicken dinner.
Every Thursday.
It's the cutest thing.
They call it
the "frequent fryer club."
Yeah, right.
Honey...
What is this?
I was just cleaning up
my carburetor.
These are my best guest towels!
Well, it's my best carburetor!
Shoot, honey, it's just a towel!
I mean, can't you wash it?
- Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Listen, listen, listen.
I'm sorry, all right?
- No.
- It's no problem.
I'm sorry to get upset
over somethin' so silly.
I mean, it's just a towel.
I can wash it.
It'll come out.
So, what else did you do today?
No, Laverne,
I didn't find a job today.
It's... it's just
not that easy, you know?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
- What?
- I'm gonna get you a beer.
I heard, Sam farley
was crashing here?
Come in here and give me
a big old bear hug!
Hey!
Who's this beer belly bum
hugging my woman?
Who you calling a woman?
Hey, Jake.
I ain't seen you
since you last took a bath.
It's been that long?
How the hell have you been?
Yeah, I've been great.
Me and about 50 of the guys,
we took a run up to Daytona
last Tuesday.
- You should've been there, man.
- Yeah, you know.
Hey, guess who
I ran into last month.
Ugly ray pettibone.
- Ugly ray pettibone?
Whatever happened to him?
Well, he's got an ugly wife and,
three ugly kids...
And a beauty salon.
Is he the one
what got his ear bit off?
No.
Hey, hey.
You remember the time
ugly ray stands up in a bar
and he says,
"give me your best shot,"
and you pulled out
that pool cue?
Yeah, up until then,
they called him
pretty ray pettibone.
Man...
I thought ugly ray'd be
on the road forever.
His wife still lets him
ride on weekends.
Yeah, that ain't the same thing.
- I got a good idea.
Let's play pictionary.
- No.
- No.
And I punctuate this shot
with what we call the zoom.
You see, you can actually
feel yourself
propelled toward the diaper bag.
Carol, can I go to the bathroom?
Not yet.
And here we have
the empty baby buggy
symbolizing childhood lost.
As it tumbles down the stairs
in my salute to eisenstein.
And fade... to... black.
- Wonderful.
That's the end.
Of part one.
- I need coffee.
- I already made some, daddy.
- I need caffeinated.
- I'll help, doctor.
- I'll help.
- I got it.
I said it first.
So, everything is going okay
with Sam?
Well, why wouldn't it be?
And why ask, doctor?
I mean, knowin'
how you feel about Sam,
I don't think
there's anything to talk about.
Well, I-I-I do.
Look, look.
When I first met Sam,
I have to admit
that I was a little quick
to judge him.
Yes, you were, doctor.
Well, I would like to apologize.
- It's not necessary.
- Yes, yes it is.
I'm sorry. I just couldn't
see the two of you together.
But I was wrong.
Well...
As much as I like
the sound of that, doctor,
I'm afraid you was right.
What?
I asked Sam to leave last night.
What happened?
It just wasn't workin' out.
I mean, it's not
like he didn't try.
Just, he wasn't built
for settlin' down.
You know, when I first met him,
I tried to fit into his life
and this time
he tried to fit into mine.
Trouble is we just don't fit.
I'm sorry.
- So am I.
- Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Come here.
All right. Don't worry.
Doctor, did you ever
love somebody very much
but you just couldn't stand
to have 'em in your house?
- Part two! Part two!
Part two!
Video dating tape, take 18.
Hello, I'm not a doctor,
but I used to play one on TV.
Maybe you remember me
as doctor huxtable.
Well, I've lived in the glamor
capital of the world
and I'm currently
a wealthy eligible bachelor
living in Miami.
I like long legs
and short relationships.
I'm waiting for your call.
Kiss, kiss.
Uff, finally got
through that one.
How was that for you, Sophia?
And action.
Hi, dopey.
Here, I brought your mail.
Thank you, Sophia, dear.
It's just some bills, a catalog
and a letter
from your uncle Larry.
He's sending you a video camera!
It was practically open.
He's tired of waiting
for tapes of the baby.
Ew, daddy, this is some camera.
It has digital zoom,
two look sensitivity
and flying erase heads!
What are flying erase heads?
They were the tumbling act
on the Sullivan show.
I never heard of 'em.
Yes, that's because one
of them gave ed the finger.
They never worked again!
♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
No, I haven't been
avoiding your calls.
I do have feelings for you.
But you're putting
too much pressure on me.
No, I will not go away
with you this weekend.
Because it will make me
uncomfortable.
Goodbye, mama.
Wee!
The smoldering hills of Rebecca?
Medical book?
Keeps my heart
pumpin' pretty good.
Laverne, why do you
read that trash?
'Cause when it gets
borin' around here,
it's my way of escapin'.
Let me have it
when you're done with it.
- Bye, bye, dear.
I will see you...
Okay Laverne, I'm ready
for my next...
Where'd everybody go?
- Our work is done, Harry.
We've cured them all.
Course I could go
down to Reggie's coffee shop
and wait for someone
to have the tuna.
So, Harry, I picked up
a little something for the baby.
- Again? Maxine!
- No, Harry, I couldn't resist.
Those baby shoes
are cute enough to eat.
My uncle ned ate his shoes once.
'Course they was hush puppies.
So, I was wondering
if I could drop by
tomorrow night and see the baby.
Yeah, well,
I will check with Carol,
but I'm sure it'll be okay.
You know, we should invite
some friends over.
We'll make a little party
out of it.
There you go.
- Something wrong, Laverne?
- Could I come too?
Did you think
I wouldn't invite you?
- Did you?
- I haven't had the chance.
- What if you forgot?
- I'm sure you'd remind me.
That's what I just did.
All right, Laverne,
would you like to come?
I'll let you know.
What is... what was that?
Either a big-ass motorcycle
or Laverne's poking
band aids in the fan again.
Excuse me,
there's no smoking in here.
Yeah? Sorry.
Listen, I hear you
got yourselves
a real good looking nurse here.
Maxine, I'll handle this.
Okay.
- I'm a doctor.
- Can I be of service?
No, you're not my type.
Sorry, I like 'em
blonde and skinny.
You haven't seen his legs.
Which one of you'uns
used up the...
My lord.
Both:!
You think they know each other?
I'm sorry.
Dr. Douglas, Dr. Weston,
this is Sam farley,
an old friend of mine.
Friend? Hell, Laverne
and me are more than friends.
You might say I broke her in.
Yeah, first time
she ever rode a hog,
it was mine.
Dr. Weston, that is
a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
I saw easy rider, Laverne.
Come on, now why
don't you just knock off
and wrap them long legs of yours
across my engine?
He's paraphrasing the boss.
Who's the boss?
Tony danza.
I-I've still got
work here to do. I can't go.
- Why not?
We close in ten minutes.
Go on, take the rest
of the day off.
- Thank you.
- See you.
Boy, is that guy lucky.
What do you mean?
I was afraid
he was gonna have to
Duke it out with you.
She should've been here
an hour ago.
Calm down, Harry.
Everybody's entitled
to be late once in a while.
Not Laverne. The word "late"
is not in her vocabulary.
Along with thousands
of other words!
I never should've let her
ride off with that guy
in the first place.
Howdy.
Is that all you've got
to say for yourself, young lady?
"Howdy"?
Doody.
Well, for your information,
Maxine was very concerned
about you.
Thank god you were here
to hold my hand.
- All right. I'm late.
I'm sorry.
But last night,
Sam's bike broke down
and we was forced
to spend the night
a-sleepin' under the stars.
- Sounds romantic.
- It was.
Could we please
just get to work?
Reaver?
Reaver, dear?
What is chewin' on him?
I think he's having trouble
cozying up to your boyfriend.
I sure wish
he'd give Sam half a chance.
So, how'd you get hooked
up with Sam in the first place?
Well, the summer after
I graduated from high school,
I was sittin'
on my daddy's porch.
I was playin' Chinese checkers
with my second cousin Arlene,
who by the way cheats.
Is this important to the story?
No, but it is somethin'
people should know.
I'll spread the word.
Anyway, we were sittin' there,
when we started hearin' this
terrible rumblin' sound,
and out of nowhere
comes hundreds of motorcycles
roarin' by.
Arlene screamed.
At least I think she did.
I couldn't hear
for all that noise
but her face looked like this.
And one of them bikers
looked over at me and smiled.
I smiled right back at him.
And that was Sam.
No, that was Jake.
But turned out
he wasn't smilin'.
He's just pickin'
the bugs out of his teeth.
Is there a point here, Laverne?
I'm gettin' to it.
Anyway, Jake, the bug guy,
he introduced me to Sam.
Sittin' there on his Harley.
He was like a knight
on a shiny black horse.
But with wheels.
Two days later,
I rode off with Sam
to places unknown.
Anyway, to make
a long story short...
Too late.
After a while,
I realized two things.
Life on the road wasn't for me
and I needed a shower real bad.
So I went back to hickory
and applied to nursing school.
Well, everything worked out.
Not quite.
Sam still owns
a piece of my heart.
It's like one of them steaks
you get at sizzler
with that little flat toothpick
stickin' out of it.
But instead of sayin'
"medium rare,"
it says "Sam."
I think I know what you're
trying to say, Laverne.
And it's making me hungry.
Last night under the stars
while Sam was cleanin'
his plugs...
He popped the question.
That guy asked you to marry him?
No! He asked me
to be his old lady!
Now, look,
this is my second chance
at my first true love.
Laverne, so,
you mean you're gonna give up
everything you've worked
so hard for...
To run away with this man?
Doctor, put your
thinking cap on.
I'm not a-riding off with Sam!
He's a-movin' in with me.
F. Scotty Weston video
my life as a baby,
intro, take one.
What-what are you waiting for?
For you to say "action."
Action.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
once said
"in the real dark night
of the soul,
it is always 3:00
in the morning."
Hi, I'm Carol Weston.
Carol, don't you think
that's a bit much?
Cut! Daddy!
Work with me here.
This is important.
I wanna be able to show Scotty
how happy his childhood was
before some psychiatrist
turns him against me.
Now...
F. Scotty Weston video
my life as a baby,
intro, take two.
Okay. Action!
F. Scott Fitzgerald once...
I cannot work like this.
Well, good.
Wait. Give me the camera.
Carol, what are you doing?
- Just answer the door.
Pretend I'm not here.
How about you just go away?
Hey!
- Hi, Harry.
- Come on in, Max.
- Hi, Carol. Nice camera.
- No! Cut! Cut!
This isn't working for me.
Maxine, could you go outside
and try that again?
- Say what?
- No, Maxine.
You don't...
You don't have to.
She wants to.
Maxine, go back outside,
and remember,
you've just arrived.
Wait, wait.
I have a better idea.
Why don't you play it
like you were
just in the neighborhood
and you decided to drop in?
God, I'm good.
All right. Now, we're gonna
take this from the doorbell.
And don't forget, daddy.
Act surprised.
And...
Action!
Ding dong.
Where is that little
crumb snatcher?
Hi, I was just
in the neighborhood and...
Thought I'd drop by.
Have you gone mental, doctor?
You got a invite the same as me.
- Just act naturally, Laverne.
I'm not here.
Okey doke.
Listen, Sam had to make a stop,
but he'll be right on.
Wait, Sam's coming?
Laverne, look, I wish you
would've said something about...
Will you stop that?
That's him!
- Hey!
Sorry I'm late, doc.
Had to pick up my new bud.
Your boyfriend's cute, Laverne,
but he's no evel knievel.
She wanted me
to jump a school bus.
Wuss.
Hey! I didn't know
this was a costume party.
That's a good one.
- Charley, this is Sam.
- It's nice to meet you.
Don't tell me.
The village people.
Charley.
He's a biker.
Well, I didn't think
he was the Indian.
Hi, I'm Carol Weston.
I'm the mother/director.
Just act naturally.
A guy on our ship videotaped
the birth of his baby.
It's really neat to watch,
especially, when he runs it
in reverse.
Good. He's awake.
All right, everybody.
All right.
We're taping
this cinema veriete.
I need candid realism,
so just act spontaneously.
Here's some suggested dialog.
Hey...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you think you're doing here?
This is one bitchin' baby, doc.
Hey, excuse me.
Could you watch
your language, please?
You feeling better,
little guy? Sure we are.
- You see that, doctor?
- Yes, wonderful. Fabulous.
Good, good.
The juxtaposition
of hell on wheels
against new-born innocence
is riveting.
- Who's that?
Look at that.
Don't be rough with it.
This is not a toy we got here.
- I know that, doc.
I know that.
Look, he's real good
with young'uns.
He's got six or seven
nieces and nephews
back in lubbock.
Yeah, ain't dropped one yet.
- Yeah, thanks.
That's real nice.
Just put... put... put him down.
Just put him down.
Harry, can I talk to you?
Yeah.
He's just real touchy
when it comes to little Scotty.
Don't take it personal.
- How am I supposed to take it?
Harry, lighten up.
What are you talking about?
Well, you're treating Sam
like he's some kind of criminal.
How do you know he's not?
That's exactly the attitude
I'm talking about.
You're not even giving
the man a chance.
Well, I just think
that Laverne deserves better.
You're making that
abundantly clear.
It's making Laverne
uncomfortable.
Maxine, she's a grown woman.
It doesn't matter what I think.
Well, it does to Laverne.
She values your opinion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, and I value
your opinion too, Harry.
Which one is my best side
on camera?
Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- How was your day?
Same as yesterday.
How's yours?
- Real special.
I got you a little somethin'.
Hey.
Hey...
Little motorcycles.
What's the occasion?
- It's our anniversary.
Has it been a month already?
- A week.
- Yeah.
That's right.
I'm sorry, baby.
I just... I didn't get
you anything!
You know, I'm just...
I'm just awful with dates.
That's okay.
So guess where we're goin'
for supper.
Chicken chicken everywhere.
Didn't we go there last week?
Well, that's the thing.
If you go every Thursday
for a month,
you get a free chicken dinner.
Every Thursday.
It's the cutest thing.
They call it
the "frequent fryer club."
Yeah, right.
Honey...
What is this?
I was just cleaning up
my carburetor.
These are my best guest towels!
Well, it's my best carburetor!
Shoot, honey, it's just a towel!
I mean, can't you wash it?
- Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Listen, listen, listen.
I'm sorry, all right?
- No.
- It's no problem.
I'm sorry to get upset
over somethin' so silly.
I mean, it's just a towel.
I can wash it.
It'll come out.
So, what else did you do today?
No, Laverne,
I didn't find a job today.
It's... it's just
not that easy, you know?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
- What?
- I'm gonna get you a beer.
I heard, Sam farley
was crashing here?
Come in here and give me
a big old bear hug!
Hey!
Who's this beer belly bum
hugging my woman?
Who you calling a woman?
Hey, Jake.
I ain't seen you
since you last took a bath.
It's been that long?
How the hell have you been?
Yeah, I've been great.
Me and about 50 of the guys,
we took a run up to Daytona
last Tuesday.
- You should've been there, man.
- Yeah, you know.
Hey, guess who
I ran into last month.
Ugly ray pettibone.
- Ugly ray pettibone?
Whatever happened to him?
Well, he's got an ugly wife and,
three ugly kids...
And a beauty salon.
Is he the one
what got his ear bit off?
No.
Hey, hey.
You remember the time
ugly ray stands up in a bar
and he says,
"give me your best shot,"
and you pulled out
that pool cue?
Yeah, up until then,
they called him
pretty ray pettibone.
Man...
I thought ugly ray'd be
on the road forever.
His wife still lets him
ride on weekends.
Yeah, that ain't the same thing.
- I got a good idea.
Let's play pictionary.
- No.
- No.
And I punctuate this shot
with what we call the zoom.
You see, you can actually
feel yourself
propelled toward the diaper bag.
Carol, can I go to the bathroom?
Not yet.
And here we have
the empty baby buggy
symbolizing childhood lost.
As it tumbles down the stairs
in my salute to eisenstein.
And fade... to... black.
- Wonderful.
That's the end.
Of part one.
- I need coffee.
- I already made some, daddy.
- I need caffeinated.
- I'll help, doctor.
- I'll help.
- I got it.
I said it first.
So, everything is going okay
with Sam?
Well, why wouldn't it be?
And why ask, doctor?
I mean, knowin'
how you feel about Sam,
I don't think
there's anything to talk about.
Well, I-I-I do.
Look, look.
When I first met Sam,
I have to admit
that I was a little quick
to judge him.
Yes, you were, doctor.
Well, I would like to apologize.
- It's not necessary.
- Yes, yes it is.
I'm sorry. I just couldn't
see the two of you together.
But I was wrong.
Well...
As much as I like
the sound of that, doctor,
I'm afraid you was right.
What?
I asked Sam to leave last night.
What happened?
It just wasn't workin' out.
I mean, it's not
like he didn't try.
Just, he wasn't built
for settlin' down.
You know, when I first met him,
I tried to fit into his life
and this time
he tried to fit into mine.
Trouble is we just don't fit.
I'm sorry.
- So am I.
- Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Come here.
All right. Don't worry.
Doctor, did you ever
love somebody very much
but you just couldn't stand
to have 'em in your house?
- Part two! Part two!
Part two!
Video dating tape, take 18.
Hello, I'm not a doctor,
but I used to play one on TV.
Maybe you remember me
as doctor huxtable.
Well, I've lived in the glamor
capital of the world
and I'm currently
a wealthy eligible bachelor
living in Miami.
I like long legs
and short relationships.
I'm waiting for your call.
Kiss, kiss.
Uff, finally got
through that one.
How was that for you, Sophia?
And action.