Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 17 - Brotherly Shove - full transcript
Imitation eggs,
meatless bacon, salt-free salt.
This could give you
an artificial heart attack.
Hey, Sophia.
How are you doing?
- Fine... just fine.
- Good.
Sophia, are you sure
there's nothing wrong?
- Really, I'm fine.
- Good.
Sophia, can I get you
a cup of coffee?
All right, all right,
stop nagging me.
I'll tell you.
Harry, I'm bored.
Every day at shady pines
is the same:
Get up in the morning, knit,
knit, knit, bingo, bingo, bingo.
Go back to bed,
get up in the morning,
knit, knit, knit,
bingo, bingo, bingo.
- Bingo, knit, bingo, knit...
- Sophia.
Sophia, I-I-I get the point.
Harry, I'm goin' nuts.
I think I'm havin'
a midlife crisis.
A-a-a-a midlife crisis
at... at your age?
- Harry, I'm a late bloomer.
I got acne at 50.
Well, Sophia,
if you're in a rut, dear,
just try doing
something different.
You're right.
I'll get a tattoo.
- That's...
I wonder what'd look better,
an eagle or...
Al martino.
I'm so mad at my cruise line.
I'm gonna get even with them.
Hey, you wanna help me
make a torpedo?
Charley, what's going on?
I quit my job.
You what?
I had to, Harry!
On top of all my other duties,
they wanted me to wax
shuffleboard pucks.
Charley, that doesn't sound
so bad.
Harry, they called me
"puck boy."
Well, Charley, I wouldn't be
so quick to give up my job,
I mean, not the way
the economy is.
Why? Somethin' wrong
with the economy?
Look...
No... no, no.
If I start to explain,
I'll get half-way through,
you'll get bored
and tune me out.
No! No, Harry!
This is important.
I really wanna know.
All right, well, the economy
is a rather complicated issue,
but, well, for your purposes,
the-the-the business cycle
is in a downturn,
so a lot of companies
are beginning to feel...
This milk's warm.
I'm glad I could be
of some help.
Daddy, did you see that glass
of breast milk I just expressed?
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♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need...
♪ ...rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
Mom, what are you
so upset about?
I'm the one who's out of
a dream job on a cruise ship.
I guess from now on, you'll
just have to buy your own soap.
Please. Whatever you do,
don't tell dieter.
Okay, bye-bye.
Yeah, I like you too.
Charley, why can't your brother
dieter know you're out of a job?
Because dieter's always been
better than me at everything.
Every year, when I went
into a new grade,
I always had to be better
than dieter.
Charley, that often happens
with an older brother.
But he's my younger brother.
That almost... never happens.
If he ever found out
I was unemployed,
I'd never hear the end of it.
Charley, I'm sure your mother
will respect your feelings.
I got it.
Dieter!
- I just heard the news.
- How?
- Mom called me on my car phone.
But she promised me
she wasn't gonna tell you.
Yeah, we were just
laughing about that.
Hi, I'm Harry Weston.
Dieter dietz,
manager of "used auto delights"
at "used auto Plaza"
on used auto blvd., just off
the i-95 at the used auto exit.
Now, I see you
in a convertible, Mr. Weston.
- That's Dr. Weston.
- Doctor.
Why didn't you say so?
Make that
a Mercedes convertible.
Come in today.
Drive it away.
Open every night until midnight.
Se habla espanol.
Well, look at the time.
I'll... I'll leave you two
to chat for a while. Adios.
Good to see you, Charley.
Look, I know we haven't spoken
in a while.
Well, I wanted to have Christmas
dinner with you and mom,
but she said the Turkey
was too small.
Yeah, we were just
laughing about that too.
Look, the reason I came by
is to let you know
that if you wanna come work
for me...
All you've gotta do
is say the word.
Pff... no way. Forget it.
It'll be just like when
we had that lemonade stand.
You made all the sales,
and I stood there
with a can around my neck
for people
to spit their pits in.
- Charley, I'm here to help.
Why do you resent me so?
Is it just because mom and dad
gave me more love and attention
in one day than they gave you
in your entire life? Or...
Does it go deeper than that?
It goes a lot deeper.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
Anyway... think it over.
If there's anything I can do...
Feel free to call.
You're gonna give me
your phone number?
It's better if I call you.
Hey, what are you lookin' at?
Exercise equipment.
Look at her...
God, I hate
those perfect models.
That one's not perfect,
she's got varicose veins.
I know...
I drew 'em there.
So Laverne, what do you think
I should get?
An exercycle or a treadmill?
Now, that'll give you
a work-out.
- The nordictrack?
- No, the nordic on the track.
What you lookin'
at that stuff for anyway?
I thought you's a jogger.
I used to be.
I don't have the discipline
to do it by myself.
What happened
to your runnin' partner?
She doesn't have to stay
in shape anymore.
She got married.
Well, you keep lookin'
you need a way to keep
your cholesterol down.
Hey, Laverne,
just had a thought.
How would you like to be
my running partner?
No thanks, doctor,
runnin' never seemed
like too much fun to me.
It's not about fun.
It's about getting up
at the crack of dawn
and pushing yourself past your
limits to a spiritual place.
- No, thanks, doctor.
I'm just not interested.
That's because
you've never been there.
It's a place that's so quiet
you can hear your inner voice.
- What's it sayin'?
"Go back to bed"?
Could be sayin'
"let's run through the park,
"we might see those guys
who look like Denzel Washington
and Tommy Lee Jones up ahead."
Will I need special shoes
for this?
Charley, I'm glad
you changed your mind.
That duct tape easing the
chafing around your neck there?
Yeah... right.
Dieter, I don't wanna
empty ashtrays,
I wanna sell.
And I know I got what it takes
to be a salesman.
Charley, this is used cars.
This isn't roadside meat.
- 'Morning, dieter.
- Jerod.
Charley, this is jerod handler,
owner and president
of used auto delights.
This is my brother, Charley.
No kidding.
Dieter always told me
that you drowned in a well.
I just say it as a goof.
Jerod, Charley thinks he's got
what it takes to sell used cars.
Another one?
I hear that
from so many young men like you
with stars in their eyes.
Dieter, this isn't working out.
I think I better look
for another job.
Like you're gonna find
something better than this.
Charley, this is an opportunity
of a lifetime. Now come on.
Move your can.
Hey, doc.
Glad you're here.
I've got a medical question.
How would you like
to remove a Porsche
from my swollen inventory?
Well, I just came by
to see Charley.
Dieter dietz, you have a
customer calling. Dieter dietz.
Excuse me, I've gotta
make another dream come true,
but when I come back, you know
the first thing I'm gonna do?
Yeah...
You're gonna
wonder where I went.
Good one.
Hey, Charley.
Harry.
What are you doin' here?
Well, I just came by
to see how things were going.
- Not so great.
Look what they have me doing.
They call me "butt boy."
- That one's not...
Not quite out.
Great,
I can't even do this right.
- You will. You will.
- Come on.
I bet you couldn't
wax a shuffleboard puck
the first time either.
God, is it all over town?
Charley, I have to
get back to the clinic.
I'm sure
this is all just... temporary.
Yeah, right.
It's gonna work out.
You just gotta take it
a step at a time.
You just be the best "butt boy"
you can be.
- God.
- Look who just walked in.
Our dear Mrs. Carlton,
queen of the looky-loos.
Yeah, well,
I got stuck with her last time,
I'm not takin' her.
- You don't have to.
Watch this.
Hey, Charley.
Still wanna be a salesman?
- Dieter, for god's sake.
He's your brother.
Did you say salesman?
There's your first customer.
Go get her, tiger.
You won't be sorry, dieter.
Hey there, pretty lady.
My name's Charley dietz,
and I'm at your service.
Cigarette?
- Don't mind if I do.
I can't believe it.
Good work, Charley.
And congratulations to you,
Mrs. Carlton,
on the acquisition
of a unique used auto delight.
All I know, there's plenty
of room in the back seat,
isn't there, Chuck-Chuck?
That's truly sickening.
I'm proud of you.
- Thanks, dieter.
You know, I think maybe
I was wrong about you.
I think workin' in used cars
has really changed you.
Please. You make me blush.
Now you go to lunch.
I'll stay here and finish up
this boring paperwork.
Thanks, bro.
And, I'll see you later,
Mrs. Carlton.
Chuck-Chuck,
don't I get a kiss goodbye?
Of course.
No tongue this time?
Not till the check clears.
Never thought we'd unload
that junker.
You even stuck the old broad
with an extended warranty.
God, I love this business.
Congratulations.
Terrific job, dieter.
- Thank you, sir.
You wanna learn
how to sell used cars?
You take a lesson
from your brother, here.
- What's he talkin' about?
I made that sale.
Why's your name on here?
Where's my name?
What's goin' on here?
That's lesson number one.
Welcome to the world
of used cars, Chuck-Chuck.
Well, you were absolutely
right, doctor.
I have never been so exhilarated
in all my born days.
I'm glad
you're enjoyin' it, Laverne.
- Surprised you, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
You're a good... runner.
Thank you, doctor,
and you're a good loser.
Loser?
Laverne,
were you under the impression
that this was some kinda race?
Granted, not much of one.
Wait a minute, didn't you hear
what I said before?
It's not about
competing against each other.
I was competing
against my personal best.
Just like you were competing
against your personal best.
I see now.
- Good.
What we have here
is me and my personal best
beatin' the pants off of
you and your personal best.
It's not about
anybody beating anybody.
It's not about
beating each other.
Beating has
nothing to do with it.
Whatever you say, doctor.
Although a good beating
might help her attitude.
It'll sure help mine.
Charley, if you don't stand up
for yourself, no one else will.
What are you drivin' at, Harry?
You let dieter take credit
for that sale
and you didn't say a word.
You know what you are?
You're a...
Wimp!
- A wimp?
- Wimp. Wimp. Wimp, wimp, wimp.
Watch it, Harry.
You're worse than a wimp.
You're a...
Weenie.
All right...
That's it.
Nobody calls me a weenie.
Now you made me mad.
- Good, good.
Now you hold on to that mad,
you go back down there,
and you straighten things out.
And don't forget
what I told you.
Be the best "butt boy" I can be?
I'm telling you...
Mrs. Carlton's family says
she's mentally incompetent.
And if we don't give them
a full refund on that lemon,
they're getting
the d.A. After us.
Right. Like the d.A.'S
got nothin' better to do.
The d.A. Is her son, stupid.
And the deal I've got with them,
is that whoever sold that car
is gone.
I don't need any more lawsuits.
That's why
I got out of puppy mills.
But, jerod, you can't...
Dieter, you are a selfish,
two-faced, lying s.O.B.
God. I'm gonna miss you.
Now, go on.
Get outta here.
Mr. Handler,
I need to speak to you,
yeah, Charley,
I'm glad you're here.
- You are?
- Yeah...
The ashtrays are filthy.
Well, I don't do
ashtrays anymore,
I wanna talk to you
about my brother.
I don't wanna hear
about your brother.
He's through here.
He's had it.
What are you talking about?
- That car he sold yesterday...
Mrs. Carlton is wacko.
The whole deal is kaput.
- You're kidding.
- Her family is really upset.
Course, he turned her
upside down and spanked her
pretty good on that deal.
She asked him to do that too?
Charley, am I glad to see you.
Tell jerod how you sold the car
to Mrs. Carlton.
What are you talkin'
about, dieter?
- Come on, stop kidding around.
My job's at stake.
Tell jerod
who really made the sale.
Well, you did, of course.
Charley, you can't do this
to me. I'm your baby brother.
Mr. Handler,
look at the two of us, now...
I'm just an ashtray wiper,
and dieter, here,
he's the salesman of the family.
Now as much as I'd like to,
I just can't take credit
for selling that car.
Hold it right there.
If you're not gonna stand up
for yourself, Charley,
then I'm gonna do it for you.
- Well, Harry, really.
It's okay.
No... no... no, it's not.
You finally did something right,
I'm not gonna let them
take it away from you.
No, I'm not gonna shut up.
Yeah, excuse me here.
Charley dietz
sold that car yesterday
and no amount of lying
is gonna change that fact.
Now who do you believe?
- Neither one of you.
You're both fired.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
That's-that's not fair.
Yeah? Who the hell are you?
- I'm Dr. Harry Weston.
- A doctor?
Talk to me, Harry.
So, what would it take
to put you behind the wheel
of this little baby?
I'm not interested
in buying a car.
Okay, how about a puppy?
Okay...
- I won. I'm the best.
I'm the best.
I beat her. They can't
take that away from me.
Whoa, whoa, Maxine,
what are you talking about?
Laverne. I beat Laverne.
What-what. Wait a minute.
Are you sure it was worth it?
Yeah.
It was worth
every strained muscle
and pulled tendon in my body.
I'm the best.
What a lovely experience
that was.
What are you talkin' about?
I just whooped your butt.
- Did you?
I didn't even notice.
Like hell you didn't.
You know, you were right
about jogging, doctor.
It's not
about winning or losing...
Yes, it is.
Doctor, have you forgot
what you told me?
What?
I believe you have lost sight
of what is important
in this little undertaking:
Peace... tranquility.
- All right, you're right.
I'm sorry, Laverne.
It is about us getting in touch
with our inner selves.
Good.
Now that we've had this
little meeting of the minds,
I'd just like you to know
I really enjoyed that.
We ought to do more things
together.
Like what?
- I don't know.
Maybe bowlin' or somethin'.
You know, whatever you want.
Bowling would be fine.
Only no competing.
We just bowl
to achieve our personal best.
Exactly.
- Hello. Don? Maxine.
How are you doing?
Look, I need
some bowling lessons, fast.
Earl? Laverne Todd,
listen, I'm gonna be down there
to bowl a few lines
with a friend of mine.
Could you do me a favor?
Yeah, take my picture down
from the 300 club,
and take my trophies
out of the case.
No, no, no, no, no, no reason.
All right, come on, let's go,
we'll go.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, come on.
Sophia, what are you doing?
I was trying to remember
if I rang the bell.
Maybe that was yesterday.
Anyway, I stopped in
to say ciao.
Where are you going?
- I solved my problem.
I'm not bored anymore.
I'm taking a trip to sicily.
Good for you.
Plenty to do back there.
Get up in the morning, knit,
knit, knit, bocce, bocce, bocce.
Kill the man
who killed your brother.
God, I miss home.
Charley.
Don't tell me.
You got your job back.
Yep, Harry, I sure did.
See? You see what happens
when you don't let people
push you around
and you stand up for yourself?
It wasn't that, Harry.
I just showed up.
They never knew I was gone.
Well, that's a-another way.
The important thing is
you got your job back.
No. The important thing,
Harry, is dieter lost his.
I know I should feel bad that
dieter got fired, but I don't.
I feel good.
I feel really good.
That's wrong, isn't it, Harry?
- In your family...
Nah.
Okay.
- Dieter.
- Hey, doc.
What are you doin' here?
Charley, I was hoping you
could arrange something for me
on your cruise ship.
Groveling for a job?
I guess
the shoe's on my foot now.
Well, there might be
an opening for a puck boy.
No, I don't need a job.
I need an outside cabin.
I've got a first-class
round trip ticket on your ship.
I'm going to The Bahamas.
First class to The Bahamas?
How can you afford that?
Great news.
Jerod decided that anybody
who'd screw over their brother
the way I did deserves
to be vice president of sales.
If it hadn't been
for my big brother,
this never would've happened.
Aren't you happy for me?
No, I'm not happy for you!
- Charley, come on.
Let... let it go.
Everything worked out.
Okay, okay.
You're right, Harry.
I'm happy for you, dieter.
No hard feelings?
No hard feelings.
I feel better.
See ya on board.
Bye, doc.
- Bye-bye.
Yeah.
Come on, Charley,
don't you feel better?
Now you've got your dignity,
and you've got
a better relationship
with your brother.
I got more than that, Harry.
I got his ticket.
He's not going to The Bahamas.
He's going to Haiti.
He's not comin' back.
Buenos dias, amigos y amigas
me llamo dieter dietz
de "usused auto delights."
Situado cerca del i-95
en El used auto exit.
Venganse para verme
con mi perro, spike.
Ven aca, spike.
Venga, venga, rapido.
Estamos abiertos hasta
medianoche y se habla ingles.
A donde fue spike?
Fue por la biblioteca,
Para rentar una biblio.
Que lastima que...
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meatless bacon, salt-free salt.
This could give you
an artificial heart attack.
Hey, Sophia.
How are you doing?
- Fine... just fine.
- Good.
Sophia, are you sure
there's nothing wrong?
- Really, I'm fine.
- Good.
Sophia, can I get you
a cup of coffee?
All right, all right,
stop nagging me.
I'll tell you.
Harry, I'm bored.
Every day at shady pines
is the same:
Get up in the morning, knit,
knit, knit, bingo, bingo, bingo.
Go back to bed,
get up in the morning,
knit, knit, knit,
bingo, bingo, bingo.
- Bingo, knit, bingo, knit...
- Sophia.
Sophia, I-I-I get the point.
Harry, I'm goin' nuts.
I think I'm havin'
a midlife crisis.
A-a-a-a midlife crisis
at... at your age?
- Harry, I'm a late bloomer.
I got acne at 50.
Well, Sophia,
if you're in a rut, dear,
just try doing
something different.
You're right.
I'll get a tattoo.
- That's...
I wonder what'd look better,
an eagle or...
Al martino.
I'm so mad at my cruise line.
I'm gonna get even with them.
Hey, you wanna help me
make a torpedo?
Charley, what's going on?
I quit my job.
You what?
I had to, Harry!
On top of all my other duties,
they wanted me to wax
shuffleboard pucks.
Charley, that doesn't sound
so bad.
Harry, they called me
"puck boy."
Well, Charley, I wouldn't be
so quick to give up my job,
I mean, not the way
the economy is.
Why? Somethin' wrong
with the economy?
Look...
No... no, no.
If I start to explain,
I'll get half-way through,
you'll get bored
and tune me out.
No! No, Harry!
This is important.
I really wanna know.
All right, well, the economy
is a rather complicated issue,
but, well, for your purposes,
the-the-the business cycle
is in a downturn,
so a lot of companies
are beginning to feel...
This milk's warm.
I'm glad I could be
of some help.
Daddy, did you see that glass
of breast milk I just expressed?
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♪ I'm always here
♪ for anything you need...
♪ ...rain or shine
♪ I'll be the one...
♪ ...we share it all
♪ as life goes on
Mom, what are you
so upset about?
I'm the one who's out of
a dream job on a cruise ship.
I guess from now on, you'll
just have to buy your own soap.
Please. Whatever you do,
don't tell dieter.
Okay, bye-bye.
Yeah, I like you too.
Charley, why can't your brother
dieter know you're out of a job?
Because dieter's always been
better than me at everything.
Every year, when I went
into a new grade,
I always had to be better
than dieter.
Charley, that often happens
with an older brother.
But he's my younger brother.
That almost... never happens.
If he ever found out
I was unemployed,
I'd never hear the end of it.
Charley, I'm sure your mother
will respect your feelings.
I got it.
Dieter!
- I just heard the news.
- How?
- Mom called me on my car phone.
But she promised me
she wasn't gonna tell you.
Yeah, we were just
laughing about that.
Hi, I'm Harry Weston.
Dieter dietz,
manager of "used auto delights"
at "used auto Plaza"
on used auto blvd., just off
the i-95 at the used auto exit.
Now, I see you
in a convertible, Mr. Weston.
- That's Dr. Weston.
- Doctor.
Why didn't you say so?
Make that
a Mercedes convertible.
Come in today.
Drive it away.
Open every night until midnight.
Se habla espanol.
Well, look at the time.
I'll... I'll leave you two
to chat for a while. Adios.
Good to see you, Charley.
Look, I know we haven't spoken
in a while.
Well, I wanted to have Christmas
dinner with you and mom,
but she said the Turkey
was too small.
Yeah, we were just
laughing about that too.
Look, the reason I came by
is to let you know
that if you wanna come work
for me...
All you've gotta do
is say the word.
Pff... no way. Forget it.
It'll be just like when
we had that lemonade stand.
You made all the sales,
and I stood there
with a can around my neck
for people
to spit their pits in.
- Charley, I'm here to help.
Why do you resent me so?
Is it just because mom and dad
gave me more love and attention
in one day than they gave you
in your entire life? Or...
Does it go deeper than that?
It goes a lot deeper.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
Anyway... think it over.
If there's anything I can do...
Feel free to call.
You're gonna give me
your phone number?
It's better if I call you.
Hey, what are you lookin' at?
Exercise equipment.
Look at her...
God, I hate
those perfect models.
That one's not perfect,
she's got varicose veins.
I know...
I drew 'em there.
So Laverne, what do you think
I should get?
An exercycle or a treadmill?
Now, that'll give you
a work-out.
- The nordictrack?
- No, the nordic on the track.
What you lookin'
at that stuff for anyway?
I thought you's a jogger.
I used to be.
I don't have the discipline
to do it by myself.
What happened
to your runnin' partner?
She doesn't have to stay
in shape anymore.
She got married.
Well, you keep lookin'
you need a way to keep
your cholesterol down.
Hey, Laverne,
just had a thought.
How would you like to be
my running partner?
No thanks, doctor,
runnin' never seemed
like too much fun to me.
It's not about fun.
It's about getting up
at the crack of dawn
and pushing yourself past your
limits to a spiritual place.
- No, thanks, doctor.
I'm just not interested.
That's because
you've never been there.
It's a place that's so quiet
you can hear your inner voice.
- What's it sayin'?
"Go back to bed"?
Could be sayin'
"let's run through the park,
"we might see those guys
who look like Denzel Washington
and Tommy Lee Jones up ahead."
Will I need special shoes
for this?
Charley, I'm glad
you changed your mind.
That duct tape easing the
chafing around your neck there?
Yeah... right.
Dieter, I don't wanna
empty ashtrays,
I wanna sell.
And I know I got what it takes
to be a salesman.
Charley, this is used cars.
This isn't roadside meat.
- 'Morning, dieter.
- Jerod.
Charley, this is jerod handler,
owner and president
of used auto delights.
This is my brother, Charley.
No kidding.
Dieter always told me
that you drowned in a well.
I just say it as a goof.
Jerod, Charley thinks he's got
what it takes to sell used cars.
Another one?
I hear that
from so many young men like you
with stars in their eyes.
Dieter, this isn't working out.
I think I better look
for another job.
Like you're gonna find
something better than this.
Charley, this is an opportunity
of a lifetime. Now come on.
Move your can.
Hey, doc.
Glad you're here.
I've got a medical question.
How would you like
to remove a Porsche
from my swollen inventory?
Well, I just came by
to see Charley.
Dieter dietz, you have a
customer calling. Dieter dietz.
Excuse me, I've gotta
make another dream come true,
but when I come back, you know
the first thing I'm gonna do?
Yeah...
You're gonna
wonder where I went.
Good one.
Hey, Charley.
Harry.
What are you doin' here?
Well, I just came by
to see how things were going.
- Not so great.
Look what they have me doing.
They call me "butt boy."
- That one's not...
Not quite out.
Great,
I can't even do this right.
- You will. You will.
- Come on.
I bet you couldn't
wax a shuffleboard puck
the first time either.
God, is it all over town?
Charley, I have to
get back to the clinic.
I'm sure
this is all just... temporary.
Yeah, right.
It's gonna work out.
You just gotta take it
a step at a time.
You just be the best "butt boy"
you can be.
- God.
- Look who just walked in.
Our dear Mrs. Carlton,
queen of the looky-loos.
Yeah, well,
I got stuck with her last time,
I'm not takin' her.
- You don't have to.
Watch this.
Hey, Charley.
Still wanna be a salesman?
- Dieter, for god's sake.
He's your brother.
Did you say salesman?
There's your first customer.
Go get her, tiger.
You won't be sorry, dieter.
Hey there, pretty lady.
My name's Charley dietz,
and I'm at your service.
Cigarette?
- Don't mind if I do.
I can't believe it.
Good work, Charley.
And congratulations to you,
Mrs. Carlton,
on the acquisition
of a unique used auto delight.
All I know, there's plenty
of room in the back seat,
isn't there, Chuck-Chuck?
That's truly sickening.
I'm proud of you.
- Thanks, dieter.
You know, I think maybe
I was wrong about you.
I think workin' in used cars
has really changed you.
Please. You make me blush.
Now you go to lunch.
I'll stay here and finish up
this boring paperwork.
Thanks, bro.
And, I'll see you later,
Mrs. Carlton.
Chuck-Chuck,
don't I get a kiss goodbye?
Of course.
No tongue this time?
Not till the check clears.
Never thought we'd unload
that junker.
You even stuck the old broad
with an extended warranty.
God, I love this business.
Congratulations.
Terrific job, dieter.
- Thank you, sir.
You wanna learn
how to sell used cars?
You take a lesson
from your brother, here.
- What's he talkin' about?
I made that sale.
Why's your name on here?
Where's my name?
What's goin' on here?
That's lesson number one.
Welcome to the world
of used cars, Chuck-Chuck.
Well, you were absolutely
right, doctor.
I have never been so exhilarated
in all my born days.
I'm glad
you're enjoyin' it, Laverne.
- Surprised you, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
You're a good... runner.
Thank you, doctor,
and you're a good loser.
Loser?
Laverne,
were you under the impression
that this was some kinda race?
Granted, not much of one.
Wait a minute, didn't you hear
what I said before?
It's not about
competing against each other.
I was competing
against my personal best.
Just like you were competing
against your personal best.
I see now.
- Good.
What we have here
is me and my personal best
beatin' the pants off of
you and your personal best.
It's not about
anybody beating anybody.
It's not about
beating each other.
Beating has
nothing to do with it.
Whatever you say, doctor.
Although a good beating
might help her attitude.
It'll sure help mine.
Charley, if you don't stand up
for yourself, no one else will.
What are you drivin' at, Harry?
You let dieter take credit
for that sale
and you didn't say a word.
You know what you are?
You're a...
Wimp!
- A wimp?
- Wimp. Wimp. Wimp, wimp, wimp.
Watch it, Harry.
You're worse than a wimp.
You're a...
Weenie.
All right...
That's it.
Nobody calls me a weenie.
Now you made me mad.
- Good, good.
Now you hold on to that mad,
you go back down there,
and you straighten things out.
And don't forget
what I told you.
Be the best "butt boy" I can be?
I'm telling you...
Mrs. Carlton's family says
she's mentally incompetent.
And if we don't give them
a full refund on that lemon,
they're getting
the d.A. After us.
Right. Like the d.A.'S
got nothin' better to do.
The d.A. Is her son, stupid.
And the deal I've got with them,
is that whoever sold that car
is gone.
I don't need any more lawsuits.
That's why
I got out of puppy mills.
But, jerod, you can't...
Dieter, you are a selfish,
two-faced, lying s.O.B.
God. I'm gonna miss you.
Now, go on.
Get outta here.
Mr. Handler,
I need to speak to you,
yeah, Charley,
I'm glad you're here.
- You are?
- Yeah...
The ashtrays are filthy.
Well, I don't do
ashtrays anymore,
I wanna talk to you
about my brother.
I don't wanna hear
about your brother.
He's through here.
He's had it.
What are you talking about?
- That car he sold yesterday...
Mrs. Carlton is wacko.
The whole deal is kaput.
- You're kidding.
- Her family is really upset.
Course, he turned her
upside down and spanked her
pretty good on that deal.
She asked him to do that too?
Charley, am I glad to see you.
Tell jerod how you sold the car
to Mrs. Carlton.
What are you talkin'
about, dieter?
- Come on, stop kidding around.
My job's at stake.
Tell jerod
who really made the sale.
Well, you did, of course.
Charley, you can't do this
to me. I'm your baby brother.
Mr. Handler,
look at the two of us, now...
I'm just an ashtray wiper,
and dieter, here,
he's the salesman of the family.
Now as much as I'd like to,
I just can't take credit
for selling that car.
Hold it right there.
If you're not gonna stand up
for yourself, Charley,
then I'm gonna do it for you.
- Well, Harry, really.
It's okay.
No... no... no, it's not.
You finally did something right,
I'm not gonna let them
take it away from you.
No, I'm not gonna shut up.
Yeah, excuse me here.
Charley dietz
sold that car yesterday
and no amount of lying
is gonna change that fact.
Now who do you believe?
- Neither one of you.
You're both fired.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
That's-that's not fair.
Yeah? Who the hell are you?
- I'm Dr. Harry Weston.
- A doctor?
Talk to me, Harry.
So, what would it take
to put you behind the wheel
of this little baby?
I'm not interested
in buying a car.
Okay, how about a puppy?
Okay...
- I won. I'm the best.
I'm the best.
I beat her. They can't
take that away from me.
Whoa, whoa, Maxine,
what are you talking about?
Laverne. I beat Laverne.
What-what. Wait a minute.
Are you sure it was worth it?
Yeah.
It was worth
every strained muscle
and pulled tendon in my body.
I'm the best.
What a lovely experience
that was.
What are you talkin' about?
I just whooped your butt.
- Did you?
I didn't even notice.
Like hell you didn't.
You know, you were right
about jogging, doctor.
It's not
about winning or losing...
Yes, it is.
Doctor, have you forgot
what you told me?
What?
I believe you have lost sight
of what is important
in this little undertaking:
Peace... tranquility.
- All right, you're right.
I'm sorry, Laverne.
It is about us getting in touch
with our inner selves.
Good.
Now that we've had this
little meeting of the minds,
I'd just like you to know
I really enjoyed that.
We ought to do more things
together.
Like what?
- I don't know.
Maybe bowlin' or somethin'.
You know, whatever you want.
Bowling would be fine.
Only no competing.
We just bowl
to achieve our personal best.
Exactly.
- Hello. Don? Maxine.
How are you doing?
Look, I need
some bowling lessons, fast.
Earl? Laverne Todd,
listen, I'm gonna be down there
to bowl a few lines
with a friend of mine.
Could you do me a favor?
Yeah, take my picture down
from the 300 club,
and take my trophies
out of the case.
No, no, no, no, no, no reason.
All right, come on, let's go,
we'll go.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, come on.
Sophia, what are you doing?
I was trying to remember
if I rang the bell.
Maybe that was yesterday.
Anyway, I stopped in
to say ciao.
Where are you going?
- I solved my problem.
I'm not bored anymore.
I'm taking a trip to sicily.
Good for you.
Plenty to do back there.
Get up in the morning, knit,
knit, knit, bocce, bocce, bocce.
Kill the man
who killed your brother.
God, I miss home.
Charley.
Don't tell me.
You got your job back.
Yep, Harry, I sure did.
See? You see what happens
when you don't let people
push you around
and you stand up for yourself?
It wasn't that, Harry.
I just showed up.
They never knew I was gone.
Well, that's a-another way.
The important thing is
you got your job back.
No. The important thing,
Harry, is dieter lost his.
I know I should feel bad that
dieter got fired, but I don't.
I feel good.
I feel really good.
That's wrong, isn't it, Harry?
- In your family...
Nah.
Okay.
- Dieter.
- Hey, doc.
What are you doin' here?
Charley, I was hoping you
could arrange something for me
on your cruise ship.
Groveling for a job?
I guess
the shoe's on my foot now.
Well, there might be
an opening for a puck boy.
No, I don't need a job.
I need an outside cabin.
I've got a first-class
round trip ticket on your ship.
I'm going to The Bahamas.
First class to The Bahamas?
How can you afford that?
Great news.
Jerod decided that anybody
who'd screw over their brother
the way I did deserves
to be vice president of sales.
If it hadn't been
for my big brother,
this never would've happened.
Aren't you happy for me?
No, I'm not happy for you!
- Charley, come on.
Let... let it go.
Everything worked out.
Okay, okay.
You're right, Harry.
I'm happy for you, dieter.
No hard feelings?
No hard feelings.
I feel better.
See ya on board.
Bye, doc.
- Bye-bye.
Yeah.
Come on, Charley,
don't you feel better?
Now you've got your dignity,
and you've got
a better relationship
with your brother.
I got more than that, Harry.
I got his ticket.
He's not going to The Bahamas.
He's going to Haiti.
He's not comin' back.
Buenos dias, amigos y amigas
me llamo dieter dietz
de "usused auto delights."
Situado cerca del i-95
en El used auto exit.
Venganse para verme
con mi perro, spike.
Ven aca, spike.
Venga, venga, rapido.
Estamos abiertos hasta
medianoche y se habla ingles.
A donde fue spike?
Fue por la biblioteca,
Para rentar una biblio.
Que lastima que...
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