Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 6, Episode 16 - Under the Gun - full transcript

- Bye, Amy.
See you next week.

They law, I swan.

I'll take your word for it.

Mama packed these preserves
in my hometown paper

and, lord,
there is a scandal in hickory.

Bobby fishkelly
done caught his wife donella

out behind the barn
belly-to-belly with another man.

Get off the bus.

It says here,
"Bobby grabbed his 12-Gauge

"and chased the fella
up a weeping Willow.

"Bobby's huntin' dogs
kept him treed



for three days
and three nights."

Raises some
interesting hygiene questions.

Listen to this.

"Sheriff Tyler rescued the man

"who was wearing nothing
but a contrived expression

"and one sock.

"Hickory citizens
were shocked to learn

that he was none other
than... continued on page eight."

Where's page eight?

Lordy,
she didn't pack page eight.

I'm gonna go call her.

Ask her where
he was wearing that sock.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we...



♪ ...one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Oscar, it seems
like you have, an ulcer.

- Ulcer?
I can't have an ulcer.

How would I get an ulcer?

What's an ulcer?

Well, it's a sore
inside your stomach.

We'll treat it with medication

and a special diet
to see if it helps,

but the good news is...

You don't have
to miss any school.

Can I get a second opinion?

Now, Oscar, one of the things

that can cause
an ulcer is stress.

Is everything okay?
Are you doing okay at school?

Yeah, I mean,
I get as and bs mostly.

Good for you.

And I have this
really cool art class.

Last week we made ashtrays,

which was kinda weird 'cause
they tell us not to smoke.

- All right. All right.
I'm gonna write a prescription.

You make sure that your uncle
gets it filled out, okay?

- Yeah, okay, doc.
- All right, come on.

Laverne, would you give Oscar

a copy of the ulcer diet,
please?

Absolutely, doctor.

Wow, how can you work
with a gorgeous babe like that?

Like what?

Your nurse.

I mean, she could
drive a guy crazy.

You are wise
beyond your years, amigo.

Here, I brought
some stuff for your garage sale.

- Sophia, I'm sorry.
The garage sale was yesterday.

Then you must have
plenty of room.

Here, take this junk.

Sophia, the whole point
of having a garage sale

is to clean out the garage.

I don't wanna
clutter it up with...

Homo erectus speaks?

Sophia, I had no idea

you were interested
in anthropology.

- I'm not.
I thought it was a dirty book.

Look.

It's autographed.

"Dear, Sophia,

"for the last time,
this is not a dirty book.

Adam Blakely."

Sophia, Adam Blakely

is a renowned
cultural anthropologist.

I can't believe
you've actually met him.

Met him?

I've got pictures
of him naked with a sheepdog.

Excuse me?

Baby pictures.

His mother left them in my room.

She lives at shady pines.

Sophia, I have to meet him.

Do you think
that you can arrange it?

What's in it for me?

I'll take
this junk off your hands.

Junk?

These priceless antiques?

- Okay, Sophia. Ten bucks.
Not a penny more.

- Ha-ha.
I would have taken five.

Adam Blakely.

Did you know that in 1991
he shocked the world

with startling revelations about
religion in the hindu kush?

Did you know in kindergarten
he shocked his teacher

by pooping in the sandbox?

Laverne,
are we out of pens again?

Dr. Douglas,
you remember I told you

'bout Bobby fishkelly
and his cheatin' wife donella?

Laverne, before you tell me
some long ridiculous story,

where's a pen?

I'll be brief as a thief.

Two words.

Dewey flynt.

I don't care about Dewey flynt.

Do we have a pen?

- No.
You don't get it.

Dewey flynt,
the man in the sock?

He also happens to be
the mayor of hickory.

As well as the maitre d'

of hickory's
most popular restaurant,

nothin' but beef.

And if I wanted
to write to this mayor

to express my outrage,

where would I find a pen?

That is a great idea.

A letter-writing campaign.

What about the pen?!

No, thanks,
'cause I've already got one.

Oscar, are you
taking your medication

and sticking to your diet?

Yeah.

Well, you're
not getting any better.

If anything,
you're getting worse.

Is something bothering you?

No, no.

I think there is.

Come on. Come on now.
You'd better level with me.

Well, there's some kids
at school, ninth graders,

they pick on me sometimes.

What do you mean?

It's not a big deal.

Every once in a while
they take my lunch money

and stuff me in my locker.

Oscar, it is a big deal.

It's probably
giving you this ulcer.

Tell you what, doc.

How 'bout
when I see them coming,

I just stuff
myself in my locker?

Cut out the middle man.

You're a very funny young man.

- Thanks.
- Cut it out.

Now, have you talked about
this with anybody in school?

What about...
What about your principal?

Doc, don't get me wrong.

I like the principal and all,

but I don't want him to be

the last person
I see before I die.

Oscar, this is
nothing to joke about.

You better talk to him.

- I don't know, man.
I don't know.

All right, fine.

If you don't talk
to the principal, I will.

- Okay, okay.
I'll talk to him.

Look, I know
this is hard to deal with.

I went through the same thing.

You got picked on?

When I was your age, yeah.

A big guy like you?

Well, there's
always a bigger guy.

You know, actually,
I remember Danny flannigan.

Actually, he was...
He was smaller, but...

He had this big attitude.

What'd he do to you?

Well, every morning, during
the pledge of allegiance, he'd...

He'd...
He'd pants me.

Pants you?

Yeah, you know...

Pull my pants down.

That's it?

What? That's it?

It was very embarrassing.

I was 13 years old
before I realized it wasn't:

"I pledge
allegiance to the..."

Get off here.

Get out.

Adam Blakely has to be

the most sensitive man
ever born.

Listen to this, Sophia,

it's from his new book,

walking
among the leather people.

Sounds like
the sun deck at shady pines.

It's about
a tribe in new Guinea.

Listen.

"They are as leather.

"Each one, leather.

"Some are soft and supple,

"some baked-dry, hard,

"deeply cracked.

"A few, suede.

"They are the leather people,

yet they cry."

That is so moving.

Yeah,
it's moving me out the door.

Forget about the book.

What are you gonna
wear when he comes over?

What am I going to wear?

Sophia, this is
a meeting of the minds.

Adam Blakely is a scholar.

He's also recently divorced
and horny as a viking.

Sophia, is sex
all you ever think about?

That and jell-o.

Sometimes together.

Dr. Douglas,
I'm glad you're sittin' down.

You're never gonna believe this.

Laverne,
I have never been to hickory,

I don't plan to go to hickory,

and I couldn't care less

about Bobby fish, mayor Dewey,

Floyd the barber,
or Arnold the pig.

Well, I was just gonna tell you

that the stationery store
donated a whole case of pens.

Good luck findin' 'em.

- Oscar, hey.
Come over here.

What's going on?
- Nothing, nothing.

Those kids are
after you again, right?

Come on.
I'll go out there with you.

Doc, the last thing I need

is a big neon white guy
drawing attention to me.

- We'll talk to them.
- No, please.

If you talk to them now,
they'll beat me up later.

I thought you were
gonna talk to your principal.

All right.
That's it. You wait here.

I'm driving you back to school.

We're gonna talk
to the principal right now.

Wait.

Yo, little man.

You want those guys to lay off?

I'm okay.

Is grandpa gonna go
to school with you every day?

I'll work it out.

All I'm sayin' is,
if you want protection,

you need one of these.

Dr. Douglas,
I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Where are my car keys?

Let me draw you a map.

Can't seem to find a pen.

Hi.

- Hi, Oscar.
What can I do for you today?

Hi.

Hey, hey, Oscar.

Oscar?

Hi.

- What brings you here?
Is everything all right?

I wanted to give you this

to say, like, thanks.

It's a dog.

It started out as an ashtray,

then for a while
it was a big blob.

Now it's a dog.

- Well, this is wonderful.
Look.

It looks just like dreyfuss.

It's no big thing.

Well, I think it's wonderful.

Here.

You know, Oscar,

I have a friend of mine
who has an art studio.

Maybe he could use a hand.

And you get to see
some real artists at work.

- Cool.
Thanks, Dr. Weston.

Hey, will I get
to see any naked ladies?

Oscar.

- Come on, man.
We gotta go.

Later, doc.

Well, Oscar
seems a lot more relaxed.

Yeah, well, I guess
the principal was able

to handle it after all.

Harry, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah.

Do you really think
it was the principal

who got those kids
off Oscar's back?

Looks like it.

Harry, it doesn't
work that way around here.

I know these kids.

So, what's going on?

Well, you know that kid

that Oscar's
hanging around with, tj?

He's real bad news.

Last year he was expelled
for carrying a gun.

So, what are you saying?

That Oscar's hanging around
with him for protection?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

- Maxine, come on.
Oscar's not stupid.

He knows better than that.

Harry, it might
not seem that stupid to him.

Well.

"Chief nagili stood on the shore

"waving good-bye to me

"as the sun set behind him

"and his 1,500 wives.

"I drifted down the river

"never again to walk among...

The leather people."

That is so beautiful.

And to hear it
from your own lips.

I mean, this is
better than books on tape.

It is a book on tape.

$23.95.

You know, I find
anthropology so fascinating.

I fairly immersed myself
in it in college.

- Really?
You majored in anthropology?

Well, I took a class.

And I wrote
a compelling final paper.

I wonder
whatever became of that.

Here it is.

"Childless societies and...

Why they die out."

Sounds fascinating.

Why is this little square

cut out of the title page?

The grade was wrong.

Well, I'd love to read it.

- Really?
- Great.

Why don't you sit over here?
The light's much better.

I thought
I'd read it when I got home.

I mean, why squander
our evening together?

You're absolutely right.

Oops.

Sorry, Carol.

I didn't know you had one
twitching in the web.

Go home.

Make me.

Hi, Charley dietz.

I'm Adam Blakely.

Who happens
to be one of the world's

foremost
cultural anthropologists.

Yeah?

Who are the other three?

It's amazing.

It's as though
you're actually sucking

the intelligence
out of the room.

So, what line of work
are you in, Charley?

He hands out towels
on a cruise ship.

And sunscreen.

Really?

I was in the merchant marine.

- No kidding.
In the Atlantic?

No, the pacific.

That's the big one.

Boy, those were the days.

Do you fellows
still raise the dickens

when you get into port?

Sure.

Heck sometimes I wake up
in the middle of the night,

I find I'm raising
a dickens for no reason at all.

God, you remind me so much

of the old salts
I used to run around with.

Once, when the captain
passed out,

we snuck into his bunk and
shaved off all his body hair.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Adam, what about that tribe?

The one in new Guinea.

I considered it,

but none of them
were hairy enough.

- No. That...
That's not what I meant.

Hey, I'm on my way to meet
some of the other boat guys.

Why don't you join us?

It's d-cup night at stiffy's.

Stiffy's?

God, I love stiffy's.

- What?!
- Well, we'd better hurry.

We don't wanna miss it when
they throw out the first pasty.

- All right.
- Adam.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

You, made dinner and everything.

No. It's okay.

Go.

Walk among the stupid people.

You're angry, aren't you?

I just can't believe
that you, of all people,

would stoop so low.

Carol, this is
part of male bonding,

not unlike the rites of passage
of the Fiji islanders.

It's the tribal ritual.

It's the primal hunt.

It's two-for-one
before 10:00.

Then we're off to hooterville.

Hey, doc.

They said at school
you wanted to see me?

Oscar, sit down.

I don't like the sound of that.

I'm concerned, that's all.

But I feel great.

I wanna talk to you
about your friend tj.

What's he like?
- He's okay.

- That's not what I hear.
I hear he carries a gun.

What's it to me?

Oscar, listen to me.

Good kids who hang around
with bad kids

usually end up in trouble.

Like in those
after-school specials?

Oscar,
when there's a gun around,

the odds are
somebody's gonna get shot.

Come on, Dr. Weston.

Around here,
when it comes to getting shot,

it don't much matter
who you hang with.

Oscar, I know you're scared,

but tj's gun isn't the answer.

- Yeah?
- Well, maybe tj carries a gun

because everyone else does.

Maybe tj wants to stay alive.

Wait, Oscar.

Look, I don't need tj and
I definitely don't need you.

- Oscar, pay att...
- Leave me alone.

God.

- What'd you do?!
What did you do?

It went off.

It was in my backpack.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Easy.
Okay.

Comfortable, daddy?

I was.

Well, you must be
a-goin' home soon.

I heard a chorus
of glory, glory, hallelujah

comin' from the nurses station.

How you feelin'?
- I'm feeling okay.

Have you voided today?

Twice.

I beat you by one, Harry.

Boy, look at the time.

Visiting hours are
just about over.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Unless you want me
to sleep here.

- No.
- I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm gonna stop off at the chapel

to say a prayer.

- Thank you, Sophia.
That's sweet.

Not for you.

Charley and I
are going to the track.

I love you, daddy.

Get some rest.

Well...

The world's gone mad,
that's all I can say.

It's just the world's gone mad.

I just... I just...
You know... and then I...

When I saw you
in there on the floor...

And my heart...

I was just...
Really scared.

I think you know
what I'm tryin' to say.

Thank you, Laverne.

He's a little sentimental today.

I think it's the medication.

- Hey, Harry.
I'm not keeping you up, am I?

- No, dear.
I'm glad to see you.

How are you feeling?

Well, the pain's gone.

- I know.
I just saw her leave.

God.
Maxine.

And, by the way,

I just talked to Oscar's uncle.

How is Oscar doing?

He's pretty shaken up.

But, on the bright side,

when word gets out
he shot his doctor,

those kids won't be
messing with him anymore.

It's a comforting thought.

Maxine, I've been treating
kids for half my life.

This is craziness.
This is insane.

I'd say we're
about a mile past insane.

Well, you'd
better get some rest.

Anything you need before I go?

No, dear.

You mind if I sleep in tomorrow?

What the hell.

Take the whole day off.

Thanks.

- Good night, Harry.
- Good night.

I'm sorry.

Oscar, Oscar, come on.

Shh.

- Panty raid!
- Panty raid!