Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 9 - Harry's Friend - full transcript
Laverne, would you make
reservations for two
at the clubhouse?
7:30. Len and I are gonna have
a little dinner
before the Jai-Alai matches
tonight.
Fine.
Did I ever tell you
about the time
that Lenny and I...
- Yes.
I haven't told you anything yet.
I have heard it all.
Pitching pennies
in the schoolyard.
The time you both got caught
with the national geographics
and that unfortunate incident
with the training bras
and shoe Polish.
Well now that he's moved
moved to Miami
we'll be working
on some new stories for you.
Well, I am just thrilled
beyond belief.
Now, room 3, sick kid.
Room 2, sick kid.
Room 1, hypochondriac.
Jeffrey Millstein's here?
Here we go again.
Well, Jeffery.
How are we today?
- Horrible.
I think I've got prostate
problems.
Well, I doubt that.
You hardly have a prostate.
I have all the classic symptoms.
Insomnia. Irritability.
Weak stream.
Well, exactly where does it
hurt this time?
I've got a dull pain right here.
Well, you know, this could be
just a plain, old-fashioned
tummy ache.
Not possible. I watch my diet.
Eat low sodium. Low sugar.
Maybe it's cholesterol.
My school lunch program's loaded
with saturated fats.
Well, you may be right.
There could be something there.
But we would need
some further testing to confirm.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I think that we should schedule
you for an upper G.I. Series,
which as you know
is a very unpleasant test.
That's the one
where you have to drink
that horrible-tasting liquid
barium.
Perhaps I better rethink this,
Dr. Weston.
Maybe I'll just go home
and eat something binding.
- Hi, buddy.
- Hi, Charles.
Thought maybe you want
to do something tonight.
Sorry. I can't.
I have plans with Leonard.
Him again.
You've been seeing
an awful lot of this guy
since he moved here.
- Yeah, a few times.
- Six.
- What?
- Six times.
The boat show Thursday was five
and dinner at Joe's stone crab
was six.
Charley, what is going on here?
You like him better than me.
Charley, come on.
I didn't hear a "no, I don't."
- Harry.
- Hey.
Grapefruit
from my own private tree.
Thanks. That's great.
I'll tell you,
it's a real culture shock
when you move from Syracuse
to Miami.
It's 5 degrees there.
It's 83 degrees here.
Just for old time's sake,
I got up this morning
and shoveled off my walk.
- Ahem.
- Yes. Excuse me.
Leonard, ts is my neighbor
Charley.
Charley, this is...
- I know, I know.
Your best friend. Lenny.
I guess you guys
are pretty tight?
Yes. That we are.
Be hard to find something
we haven't done together.
Yeah?
You guys ever play the game
where two guys get together,
drink beer,
and one guy makes a joke,
tries to make the other guy
spit beer through his nose?
That's the kind of thing
you do with a real friend.
I better go.
Look, Charley,
we're going to Jai-Alai.
You're welcome to join us.
No thanks.
I'll find something else to do.
By the way, Jai-Alai,
that's seven.
Seven times.
Is it me or does he remind you
of that kid we used to beat up?
Yeah.
I had a real scary experience
this morning, Harry.
I was in the supermarket
and this not-bad-looking woman
comes up to me, asks me
if I'm shopping for my wife,
I tell her "no, I'm a widower,"
and then she starts
hitting on me.
I'm a grown man, Harry.
But I fled.
I couldn't handle it.
- No. Me neither.
Has it occurred to you
that we are both
in exactly the same place
we were 40 years ago?
Yeah. When we were 15,
we couldn't handle women either.
True. But at least then
we can lie
and brag to the guys
how we made out.
Hi, daddy. Hi, uncle Leonard.
Is it okay if we use your VCR?
We rented a couple movies.
Yes. Another thrilling
Friday night.
If I'm feeling really madcap,
I may return them
without rewinding.
What'd you get?
I got Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
Judgment at Nuremberg.
Come on.
Forget about the movies.
Come with us to Jai-Alai.
Again? We've been out
with you guys
three times this week.
Come on. It's fun.
It's exciting.
You can win a lot of money.
It does sound fun.
Maybe we should go.
No. You all go ahead.
I can't condone any sport
that involves cruelty
to animals.
There are no animals
in Jai-Alai.
- There are no roosters?
- No.
Okay then.
I wonder what that thing is
I've been donating to.
Come on. Let's go.
God, it was amazing
how you hit that 3-4 perfecta.
This has never happened to me.
I am $288 richer.
And I have you to thank for it.
All I said was don't bet
on the guy with the cast.
11:30.
Awfully late for a work night.
Charley, I don't remember
giving you a key.
I was watching
the solid gold dancers
on your 35-inch screen.
Only I was too depressed
to enjoy it.
Looking at those dancers,
I kept thinking
"thighs you can always see,
but friends, those are rare."
I think you've got
a bumper sticker there.
Come on, Charley, join us.
We're gonna have
a little coffee,
a little conversation.
Sure. Intentionally
pick something
you know I'm not interested in.
Decaf okay for everybody?
- I'll help you, daddy.
- No, you stay, baby.
I can't stay,
I've got to get up early
and catch a plane to New York.
Wait. What?
You're going to New York?
Yes. I'm a material witness
in the Mancuso
multiple-stabbing case.
Try to take in a show, dear.
Leonard, I got a little
surprise for you.
You found the old photo album.
No, you guys sit.
You enjoy that.
I'm gonna kill your father
for this.
He's only doing this
to remind me
of how old we are.
Come on. You're not old.
No? Watch this.
You can actually see
my hairline receding.
When you get to my crew cut,
don't laugh too much.
Is that you and daddy?
Yeah, that's me dressed
as an Indian
and your dad dressed as a cop.
Cops and Indians?
Your dad forgot to call me
before he left the house
that day.
Here we are in a canoe
at summer camp.
Forget that one.
- Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
What was that back there?
Don't let her see that picture
of us mooning.
- Too late, daddy.
- Yeah.
Your dad got expelled
for that one
because he took the rap
for both of us as usual.
Now, this is an interesting one.
This was our first double date.
Those are the Huber twins.
The Huber twins?
Yes.
They're very attractive.
Yes, they are.
And this one is...
I don't know what this one is.
Hey, have you guys
seen the one of me
in the Bermuda shorts yet?
Ohoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Yeah.
- Good.
- Great. Great.
Good.
Then why didn't I feel anything?
My god, I'm glad you said that.
I didn't either.
I felt nothing, Leonard.
Nothing. A vacuum.
Less than nothing. Zip.
That's okay. I get it.
Thank you.
You know what this is.
It's guilt.
We've been seeing each other
for over a week
and we haven't told him yet.
I think you're right.
It is guilt.
I know it can't be me.
I'm making
all my usual moves here.
Maybe we should tell him.
Are you nuts?
Harry has a temper.
I know from experience.
He caught me once
making eyes at his Huber twin.
This would probably bother him
even more.
So what are we gonna do?
Well, we could be wrong.
Could be wrong
about this guilt thing.
Nope. Nope. Not wrong.
It feels like Harry's
in here watching us,
looking down in judgment.
Leonard, that's silly.
I love your father.
I don't want to hurt him.
I agree.
Let's hurt him a little bit.
No. You're right.
We can't do this.
I feel like I'm betraying
my best friend.
So what are we going to do?
Anything?
Remember that young
hypochondriac you cured?
- Jeffrey Millstein?
- He's back.
Jeffrey. Wow. Little surprised
to see you here.
Dr. Weston, I've decided to take
that upper G.I. Series.
- You have?
- Yes.
And just to be sure,
you better give me
lower G.I. As well.
As you know, this is a very
complicated procedure.
I'm all prepped.
I've taken the Liberty
of having my colon irrigated.
Jeffrey, there is nothing
wrong with you.
What I would like you to do
is talk to an associate of mine.
- A different kind of doctor.
- A specialist?
A therapist.
He can talk with you
and he'll help you work out
some of these problems.
His office
is not in a high-rise, is it?
I have a phobia about that.
No, no, no.
It's the ground floor.
You'll love him. I promise you.
Please. Now you tell your dad
that I'll stop by his office
and I'll talk to him
about this, all right?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Jeffrey, your first session,
I would bring up
that colon irrigation thing.
Right.
- Hi, Harry.
- Len!
Where the heck have you been?
I haven't seen you
in a couple of weeks.
That's right. That's right.
That's why I came
to talk to you.
You see, I've been seeing
this woman.
Len, I'm so happy for you.
I wouldn't get too happy
just yet.
You see, the woman
I've been dating is Carol.
My Carol?
I know this isn't easy for you.
We didn't plan it this way.
We tried to fight against it.
But we just like each other
too much.
That's all. Harry?
Are you all right, Harry?
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm calm.
This is calmness here.
I'm dealing.
I'm dealing with this.
You're seeing... you're seeing me
dealing with this.
I'm proud of you, Harry.
You have really grown
since the Huber twin incident.
Yeah, well, I shouldn't
be shocked.
I mean, it is the '80s, right?
I mean, you know,
guys are getting perms.
Girls are pumping iron.
Acid rain. Global warming.
And my best friend
is dating my firstborn.
Harry, relax. Take it easy.
I am relaxed. And it is easy.
It's okay. There is a peace.
There is a calmness.
And there is a tranquility.
And there is an age difference
of 25 years.
- Maybe I better go.
- No, no, no.
I'm sorry. No, please, don't go.
Len, please just let me...
Let me throw you out.
Get out!
Get out of my office, you rat!
You turncoat! You cradle robber!
Perhaps I'll bring Samantha back
for her shot tomorrow.
Watch out for the guy
in the elevator.
Keep an eye on your daughter.
Hi, Harry. What's new?
Well, if you must know, Charley,
I'm not in the best of moods.
By the way,
I'd like you to meet Rick.
- Hello, Rick.
- Hi. I'm in valet parking.
Rick is my new best friend.
Yeah, he's my new
number one amigo.
You may have Leonard,
but the rickster here
is my new main man.
Charley, Leonard and I
are not exactly best friends
anymore.
- Really?
- He's been dating Carol.
Bad move.
Barbara's the party girl.
So I guess you and Leonard
are on the outs?
You could say that.
Does Leonard have a history
of doing this kind of stuff?
Look, Rick, I really don't feel
like discussing this with you.
Hey, Rick, the magic's gone.
Beat it.
For 20 bucks,
you think you could rent
a friend
with a little more class.
Boy, after this Rick thing,
I really know
what you're going through
with Leonard.
Want to talk about it?
No. I don't. I really don't.
Okay, pal. See you around.
Hi, Carol. What's old?
Ha!
We need to talk.
Had a little chat with Leonard?
Daddy, I can imagine
what you're feeling.
This must be very weird for you.
Yes, a little.
My 55-year-old best friend
and my daughter.
Next thing you know,
we'll all be on Geraldo.
Daddy, you don't know
how lucky I am
to find someone like Leonard.
Do you know the kind of guys
that are out there?
I'll tell you.
There are men who swear
they're divorced
but just can't seem
to get away on Christmas.
Men whose idea
of a night out dancing
is running naked
around your couch.
And my personal favorite,
the vampire men,
who find it necessary to leave
before the sun comes up.
Suddenly this man comes along
and, yes,
he's my dad's best friend
and yes, he's older,
but he's sweet,
and he's sensitive,
and he mes me feel good.
And daddy, he listens to me.
Stop it. You're making me want
to date him.
What I'm trying to say is...
We would like you to be okay
with this.
How can I look at you
with that face
and tell you you can't have
what you want so very much?
So?
- So Dr. Philips said
there's nothing physically wrong
with me at all.
The core of my conflict
is unconscious anger
towards my parents.
Jeffrey, I'm so glad
it's working out for you.
Don't touch me.
My hostility extends
to all authority figures.
- Is Harry here?
- He's in there.
But if you set him
to hollering again,
I'll be on you like bugs
on a windshield.
All right, good boy, Jeff.
I'll see you in time.
Harry, I need to talk to you
about Carol.
Have you got a minute?
It depends.
Is the word "grandfather"
gonna be coming up?
- No.
- Good. Come in.
Just thought I should tell you
that I'm not gonna be seeing
your daughter anymore.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Excuse me. I think I have
something in my eye.
So what was the problem?
I just realized
that for the past two weeks,
I've been very flattered
by the attentions
of a pretty young woman.
Carol made me feel great.
She had me turning cartwheels.
Harry, I have back problems.
I'm too old to turn cartwheels.
All right, Leonard,
let's get this over with
very quickly, okay?
I told you so.
I told you so. I told you so.
All right, so how
is my Carol taking this?
That's the other thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
I haven't exactly told her yet.
I was hoping you would.
- No!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
But, Harry,
you can explain it to her
much better than I could.
No, no, no, no.
This is one jam
I am not bailing you out of.
This is my daughter
you're talking about.
You made your bed
and you can just...
Strike that.
It's very bad wording.
Harry, if it was anybody
but Carol,
I could handle it.
But you know
how emotional she is.
Every time a relationship ends,
she falls apart.
Remember when she broke up
with that artist?
Every time she saw
a bowl of fruit, she cried.
All right. All right.
I'll do it.
Seeing as how we got gridlock
in the waiting room,
I thought I'd bring in
your diploma
to remind you you do have
the proper credentials
to deal with it.
So he tells me
he's dating Carol.
I call him "cradle robber,"
throw him out of my office.
Now Carol comes over.
She tells me she's dating
vampires.
So I said "go ahead.
Then see Leonard."
Now Leonard's back
and he's telling me
he's breaking up with Carol
because of his back problem.
Like somehow the cartwheel thing
is all my fault.
Daddy, I've only been gone
two weeks.
I mean, even in soap operas,
it takes at least a year
for this much stuff to happen.
Well, it happened.
And now I have to break up
with your sister.
Carol and uncle Leonard.
That's bizarre.
I mean, he's your age.
Listen, baby, help me
with this kind
of breaking up stuff here.
Which of these approaches
would be easier on Carol?
"Carol, it's all for the best"
or "Carol, it's like two ships
that pass in the night"?
But uncle Leonard...
He's so old!
Barbara, could you please
be repulsed
for a different reason?
Hi, Barbara.
I have a boyfriend.
New York was fine, thank you.
What's up, daddy?
When I got home,
there were five messages
on my machine from you
all telling me
what a wonderful,
wonderful girl I am.
Well, you are, my sweetheart.
You are a wonderful,
wonderful girl.
Please. Here. Sit down, babe.
There. Now listen.
What I wanted to talk
to you about is...
Ships.
- Ships?
- Old ships.
I'll get... I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Daddy was telling me
about you and uncle Leonard.
- Isn't it incredible?
- Yeah.
How often do you have
to dust him?
Harry, it's the strangest thing.
I was off the hook.
I was home free.
And then I started
feeling guilty.
This picture of you came
into my mind.
You were looking down on me
in judgment.
You've been doing that
a lot lately.
Anyway, if somebody
has to speak to Carol,
it should be me.
So you're saying
you don't want me
to bail you out of this one?
No. You haven't told her yet?
No, I have not.
And she's in the kitchen.
She's here?
Boy. You accept a little
responsibility
and it comes right smack at you.
Carol. Leonard's here.
He's here.
Carol, I don't want you
to go out there and get hurt.
There's something
that you should know.
Uncle Leonard
is about to dump you.
This is a good speech
you got here, Leonard.
There's no question about that.
But I'd leave out
this "maybe sometime
we can go bowling" part.
Hello, Carol.
Leonard, I want to talk to you.
Then I'll just go
in the kitchen.
No, daddy,
I want you to hear this.
Leonard, the past two weeks
have been beautiful, fun,
and romantic.
But I got caught up in something
that wasn't really love.
It's over, Leonard.
Carol, I wasn't expecting this.
That's okay.
At your age,
there's a good chance
your mind will fuzz
this whole thing out.
Good night, daddy.
Night, uncle Leonard.
You okay?
Thanks for the warning, Barbara.
I owe you one.
Well, at least this way
I still have my dignity
and my self-respect.
And, god willing,
enough money to go out
and buy a marble cake.
It's funny, I came here
to break up with Carol
and now I feel lousy.
Len, come here. Sit down.
Come over here with me.
Let me talk to you
like your old friend here.
You see, it's like two ships
passing in the night.
reservations for two
at the clubhouse?
7:30. Len and I are gonna have
a little dinner
before the Jai-Alai matches
tonight.
Fine.
Did I ever tell you
about the time
that Lenny and I...
- Yes.
I haven't told you anything yet.
I have heard it all.
Pitching pennies
in the schoolyard.
The time you both got caught
with the national geographics
and that unfortunate incident
with the training bras
and shoe Polish.
Well now that he's moved
moved to Miami
we'll be working
on some new stories for you.
Well, I am just thrilled
beyond belief.
Now, room 3, sick kid.
Room 2, sick kid.
Room 1, hypochondriac.
Jeffrey Millstein's here?
Here we go again.
Well, Jeffery.
How are we today?
- Horrible.
I think I've got prostate
problems.
Well, I doubt that.
You hardly have a prostate.
I have all the classic symptoms.
Insomnia. Irritability.
Weak stream.
Well, exactly where does it
hurt this time?
I've got a dull pain right here.
Well, you know, this could be
just a plain, old-fashioned
tummy ache.
Not possible. I watch my diet.
Eat low sodium. Low sugar.
Maybe it's cholesterol.
My school lunch program's loaded
with saturated fats.
Well, you may be right.
There could be something there.
But we would need
some further testing to confirm.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I think that we should schedule
you for an upper G.I. Series,
which as you know
is a very unpleasant test.
That's the one
where you have to drink
that horrible-tasting liquid
barium.
Perhaps I better rethink this,
Dr. Weston.
Maybe I'll just go home
and eat something binding.
- Hi, buddy.
- Hi, Charles.
Thought maybe you want
to do something tonight.
Sorry. I can't.
I have plans with Leonard.
Him again.
You've been seeing
an awful lot of this guy
since he moved here.
- Yeah, a few times.
- Six.
- What?
- Six times.
The boat show Thursday was five
and dinner at Joe's stone crab
was six.
Charley, what is going on here?
You like him better than me.
Charley, come on.
I didn't hear a "no, I don't."
- Harry.
- Hey.
Grapefruit
from my own private tree.
Thanks. That's great.
I'll tell you,
it's a real culture shock
when you move from Syracuse
to Miami.
It's 5 degrees there.
It's 83 degrees here.
Just for old time's sake,
I got up this morning
and shoveled off my walk.
- Ahem.
- Yes. Excuse me.
Leonard, ts is my neighbor
Charley.
Charley, this is...
- I know, I know.
Your best friend. Lenny.
I guess you guys
are pretty tight?
Yes. That we are.
Be hard to find something
we haven't done together.
Yeah?
You guys ever play the game
where two guys get together,
drink beer,
and one guy makes a joke,
tries to make the other guy
spit beer through his nose?
That's the kind of thing
you do with a real friend.
I better go.
Look, Charley,
we're going to Jai-Alai.
You're welcome to join us.
No thanks.
I'll find something else to do.
By the way, Jai-Alai,
that's seven.
Seven times.
Is it me or does he remind you
of that kid we used to beat up?
Yeah.
I had a real scary experience
this morning, Harry.
I was in the supermarket
and this not-bad-looking woman
comes up to me, asks me
if I'm shopping for my wife,
I tell her "no, I'm a widower,"
and then she starts
hitting on me.
I'm a grown man, Harry.
But I fled.
I couldn't handle it.
- No. Me neither.
Has it occurred to you
that we are both
in exactly the same place
we were 40 years ago?
Yeah. When we were 15,
we couldn't handle women either.
True. But at least then
we can lie
and brag to the guys
how we made out.
Hi, daddy. Hi, uncle Leonard.
Is it okay if we use your VCR?
We rented a couple movies.
Yes. Another thrilling
Friday night.
If I'm feeling really madcap,
I may return them
without rewinding.
What'd you get?
I got Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
Judgment at Nuremberg.
Come on.
Forget about the movies.
Come with us to Jai-Alai.
Again? We've been out
with you guys
three times this week.
Come on. It's fun.
It's exciting.
You can win a lot of money.
It does sound fun.
Maybe we should go.
No. You all go ahead.
I can't condone any sport
that involves cruelty
to animals.
There are no animals
in Jai-Alai.
- There are no roosters?
- No.
Okay then.
I wonder what that thing is
I've been donating to.
Come on. Let's go.
God, it was amazing
how you hit that 3-4 perfecta.
This has never happened to me.
I am $288 richer.
And I have you to thank for it.
All I said was don't bet
on the guy with the cast.
11:30.
Awfully late for a work night.
Charley, I don't remember
giving you a key.
I was watching
the solid gold dancers
on your 35-inch screen.
Only I was too depressed
to enjoy it.
Looking at those dancers,
I kept thinking
"thighs you can always see,
but friends, those are rare."
I think you've got
a bumper sticker there.
Come on, Charley, join us.
We're gonna have
a little coffee,
a little conversation.
Sure. Intentionally
pick something
you know I'm not interested in.
Decaf okay for everybody?
- I'll help you, daddy.
- No, you stay, baby.
I can't stay,
I've got to get up early
and catch a plane to New York.
Wait. What?
You're going to New York?
Yes. I'm a material witness
in the Mancuso
multiple-stabbing case.
Try to take in a show, dear.
Leonard, I got a little
surprise for you.
You found the old photo album.
No, you guys sit.
You enjoy that.
I'm gonna kill your father
for this.
He's only doing this
to remind me
of how old we are.
Come on. You're not old.
No? Watch this.
You can actually see
my hairline receding.
When you get to my crew cut,
don't laugh too much.
Is that you and daddy?
Yeah, that's me dressed
as an Indian
and your dad dressed as a cop.
Cops and Indians?
Your dad forgot to call me
before he left the house
that day.
Here we are in a canoe
at summer camp.
Forget that one.
- Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
What was that back there?
Don't let her see that picture
of us mooning.
- Too late, daddy.
- Yeah.
Your dad got expelled
for that one
because he took the rap
for both of us as usual.
Now, this is an interesting one.
This was our first double date.
Those are the Huber twins.
The Huber twins?
Yes.
They're very attractive.
Yes, they are.
And this one is...
I don't know what this one is.
Hey, have you guys
seen the one of me
in the Bermuda shorts yet?
Ohoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Yeah.
- Good.
- Great. Great.
Good.
Then why didn't I feel anything?
My god, I'm glad you said that.
I didn't either.
I felt nothing, Leonard.
Nothing. A vacuum.
Less than nothing. Zip.
That's okay. I get it.
Thank you.
You know what this is.
It's guilt.
We've been seeing each other
for over a week
and we haven't told him yet.
I think you're right.
It is guilt.
I know it can't be me.
I'm making
all my usual moves here.
Maybe we should tell him.
Are you nuts?
Harry has a temper.
I know from experience.
He caught me once
making eyes at his Huber twin.
This would probably bother him
even more.
So what are we gonna do?
Well, we could be wrong.
Could be wrong
about this guilt thing.
Nope. Nope. Not wrong.
It feels like Harry's
in here watching us,
looking down in judgment.
Leonard, that's silly.
I love your father.
I don't want to hurt him.
I agree.
Let's hurt him a little bit.
No. You're right.
We can't do this.
I feel like I'm betraying
my best friend.
So what are we going to do?
Anything?
Remember that young
hypochondriac you cured?
- Jeffrey Millstein?
- He's back.
Jeffrey. Wow. Little surprised
to see you here.
Dr. Weston, I've decided to take
that upper G.I. Series.
- You have?
- Yes.
And just to be sure,
you better give me
lower G.I. As well.
As you know, this is a very
complicated procedure.
I'm all prepped.
I've taken the Liberty
of having my colon irrigated.
Jeffrey, there is nothing
wrong with you.
What I would like you to do
is talk to an associate of mine.
- A different kind of doctor.
- A specialist?
A therapist.
He can talk with you
and he'll help you work out
some of these problems.
His office
is not in a high-rise, is it?
I have a phobia about that.
No, no, no.
It's the ground floor.
You'll love him. I promise you.
Please. Now you tell your dad
that I'll stop by his office
and I'll talk to him
about this, all right?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Jeffrey, your first session,
I would bring up
that colon irrigation thing.
Right.
- Hi, Harry.
- Len!
Where the heck have you been?
I haven't seen you
in a couple of weeks.
That's right. That's right.
That's why I came
to talk to you.
You see, I've been seeing
this woman.
Len, I'm so happy for you.
I wouldn't get too happy
just yet.
You see, the woman
I've been dating is Carol.
My Carol?
I know this isn't easy for you.
We didn't plan it this way.
We tried to fight against it.
But we just like each other
too much.
That's all. Harry?
Are you all right, Harry?
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm calm.
This is calmness here.
I'm dealing.
I'm dealing with this.
You're seeing... you're seeing me
dealing with this.
I'm proud of you, Harry.
You have really grown
since the Huber twin incident.
Yeah, well, I shouldn't
be shocked.
I mean, it is the '80s, right?
I mean, you know,
guys are getting perms.
Girls are pumping iron.
Acid rain. Global warming.
And my best friend
is dating my firstborn.
Harry, relax. Take it easy.
I am relaxed. And it is easy.
It's okay. There is a peace.
There is a calmness.
And there is a tranquility.
And there is an age difference
of 25 years.
- Maybe I better go.
- No, no, no.
I'm sorry. No, please, don't go.
Len, please just let me...
Let me throw you out.
Get out!
Get out of my office, you rat!
You turncoat! You cradle robber!
Perhaps I'll bring Samantha back
for her shot tomorrow.
Watch out for the guy
in the elevator.
Keep an eye on your daughter.
Hi, Harry. What's new?
Well, if you must know, Charley,
I'm not in the best of moods.
By the way,
I'd like you to meet Rick.
- Hello, Rick.
- Hi. I'm in valet parking.
Rick is my new best friend.
Yeah, he's my new
number one amigo.
You may have Leonard,
but the rickster here
is my new main man.
Charley, Leonard and I
are not exactly best friends
anymore.
- Really?
- He's been dating Carol.
Bad move.
Barbara's the party girl.
So I guess you and Leonard
are on the outs?
You could say that.
Does Leonard have a history
of doing this kind of stuff?
Look, Rick, I really don't feel
like discussing this with you.
Hey, Rick, the magic's gone.
Beat it.
For 20 bucks,
you think you could rent
a friend
with a little more class.
Boy, after this Rick thing,
I really know
what you're going through
with Leonard.
Want to talk about it?
No. I don't. I really don't.
Okay, pal. See you around.
Hi, Carol. What's old?
Ha!
We need to talk.
Had a little chat with Leonard?
Daddy, I can imagine
what you're feeling.
This must be very weird for you.
Yes, a little.
My 55-year-old best friend
and my daughter.
Next thing you know,
we'll all be on Geraldo.
Daddy, you don't know
how lucky I am
to find someone like Leonard.
Do you know the kind of guys
that are out there?
I'll tell you.
There are men who swear
they're divorced
but just can't seem
to get away on Christmas.
Men whose idea
of a night out dancing
is running naked
around your couch.
And my personal favorite,
the vampire men,
who find it necessary to leave
before the sun comes up.
Suddenly this man comes along
and, yes,
he's my dad's best friend
and yes, he's older,
but he's sweet,
and he's sensitive,
and he mes me feel good.
And daddy, he listens to me.
Stop it. You're making me want
to date him.
What I'm trying to say is...
We would like you to be okay
with this.
How can I look at you
with that face
and tell you you can't have
what you want so very much?
So?
- So Dr. Philips said
there's nothing physically wrong
with me at all.
The core of my conflict
is unconscious anger
towards my parents.
Jeffrey, I'm so glad
it's working out for you.
Don't touch me.
My hostility extends
to all authority figures.
- Is Harry here?
- He's in there.
But if you set him
to hollering again,
I'll be on you like bugs
on a windshield.
All right, good boy, Jeff.
I'll see you in time.
Harry, I need to talk to you
about Carol.
Have you got a minute?
It depends.
Is the word "grandfather"
gonna be coming up?
- No.
- Good. Come in.
Just thought I should tell you
that I'm not gonna be seeing
your daughter anymore.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Excuse me. I think I have
something in my eye.
So what was the problem?
I just realized
that for the past two weeks,
I've been very flattered
by the attentions
of a pretty young woman.
Carol made me feel great.
She had me turning cartwheels.
Harry, I have back problems.
I'm too old to turn cartwheels.
All right, Leonard,
let's get this over with
very quickly, okay?
I told you so.
I told you so. I told you so.
All right, so how
is my Carol taking this?
That's the other thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
I haven't exactly told her yet.
I was hoping you would.
- No!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
But, Harry,
you can explain it to her
much better than I could.
No, no, no, no.
This is one jam
I am not bailing you out of.
This is my daughter
you're talking about.
You made your bed
and you can just...
Strike that.
It's very bad wording.
Harry, if it was anybody
but Carol,
I could handle it.
But you know
how emotional she is.
Every time a relationship ends,
she falls apart.
Remember when she broke up
with that artist?
Every time she saw
a bowl of fruit, she cried.
All right. All right.
I'll do it.
Seeing as how we got gridlock
in the waiting room,
I thought I'd bring in
your diploma
to remind you you do have
the proper credentials
to deal with it.
So he tells me
he's dating Carol.
I call him "cradle robber,"
throw him out of my office.
Now Carol comes over.
She tells me she's dating
vampires.
So I said "go ahead.
Then see Leonard."
Now Leonard's back
and he's telling me
he's breaking up with Carol
because of his back problem.
Like somehow the cartwheel thing
is all my fault.
Daddy, I've only been gone
two weeks.
I mean, even in soap operas,
it takes at least a year
for this much stuff to happen.
Well, it happened.
And now I have to break up
with your sister.
Carol and uncle Leonard.
That's bizarre.
I mean, he's your age.
Listen, baby, help me
with this kind
of breaking up stuff here.
Which of these approaches
would be easier on Carol?
"Carol, it's all for the best"
or "Carol, it's like two ships
that pass in the night"?
But uncle Leonard...
He's so old!
Barbara, could you please
be repulsed
for a different reason?
Hi, Barbara.
I have a boyfriend.
New York was fine, thank you.
What's up, daddy?
When I got home,
there were five messages
on my machine from you
all telling me
what a wonderful,
wonderful girl I am.
Well, you are, my sweetheart.
You are a wonderful,
wonderful girl.
Please. Here. Sit down, babe.
There. Now listen.
What I wanted to talk
to you about is...
Ships.
- Ships?
- Old ships.
I'll get... I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Daddy was telling me
about you and uncle Leonard.
- Isn't it incredible?
- Yeah.
How often do you have
to dust him?
Harry, it's the strangest thing.
I was off the hook.
I was home free.
And then I started
feeling guilty.
This picture of you came
into my mind.
You were looking down on me
in judgment.
You've been doing that
a lot lately.
Anyway, if somebody
has to speak to Carol,
it should be me.
So you're saying
you don't want me
to bail you out of this one?
No. You haven't told her yet?
No, I have not.
And she's in the kitchen.
She's here?
Boy. You accept a little
responsibility
and it comes right smack at you.
Carol. Leonard's here.
He's here.
Carol, I don't want you
to go out there and get hurt.
There's something
that you should know.
Uncle Leonard
is about to dump you.
This is a good speech
you got here, Leonard.
There's no question about that.
But I'd leave out
this "maybe sometime
we can go bowling" part.
Hello, Carol.
Leonard, I want to talk to you.
Then I'll just go
in the kitchen.
No, daddy,
I want you to hear this.
Leonard, the past two weeks
have been beautiful, fun,
and romantic.
But I got caught up in something
that wasn't really love.
It's over, Leonard.
Carol, I wasn't expecting this.
That's okay.
At your age,
there's a good chance
your mind will fuzz
this whole thing out.
Good night, daddy.
Night, uncle Leonard.
You okay?
Thanks for the warning, Barbara.
I owe you one.
Well, at least this way
I still have my dignity
and my self-respect.
And, god willing,
enough money to go out
and buy a marble cake.
It's funny, I came here
to break up with Carol
and now I feel lousy.
Len, come here. Sit down.
Come over here with me.
Let me talk to you
like your old friend here.
You see, it's like two ships
passing in the night.